Sick of man in work

LegacyUser

I am posting this anonymously.

I am 22 ans I am really sick of a 60 year old I work with. This man is in a more senior role to me. I am working there 7 months, he is there donkeys years.
He has no business coming into the office I work in but comes in about 3 times a day to "chat with ye all". He always sits beside my desk and asks me about my boyfriend. Up until a few weeks ago he had never even met my boyfriend but asks about him on a daily basis. I just say "he's fine". No one else in the office gets asked about their boyfriend/girlfriend.

Every morning when we go down for breakfast the rest of my office sit with this man so I have to aswell. I do be quiet in the mornings as I am tired and like to just eat my breakfast in peace. I cannot with this man. Every 5-10 minutes he is tapping me on the arm telling me to "wake up". This drives me mad as I hate being touched by people I barely know especially men 3 times my age. He will do this 3-4 times over a 30 minute breakfast. He wil also put his hand on my shoulder as he leaves the table. When he touches me I pull away or glare at him but it doesnt deter him. In addition to this he makes comments about my makeup "I see you are wearing glitter today" or about my hair or clothes. No one else gets this, only me. I think it is so rude to be constantly making comment about other people's appearance. Once he also had a good look at my breakfast (a scone and 2 hash browns) and looked me up and down and said "You eat a lot, don't you?". I am tall and a size 10 and he is built like a garden gnome. When he said that I half-jokingly told him to **** off.

In addition to this, his partner lives in the same town as me. On a number of occasions he has asked "Who was that young lad going into your house on Saturday?" (it was my brother) and "whose is the blue car?" (its mine). I found this creepy and I half-jokingly told him to stop stalking me.

I am really sick of this man. I find him very rude and plain creepy. Asking several times a day how my boyfriend is. Making constant remarks about my appearance. Constantly touching my arm to "wake me up".

He does all this in front of my seniors in the office and he has this "jolly old man" persona but I am just plain sick of him. What can I do.

LegacyUser

Have you mentioned this to your colleagues? Your boss?

You need to become *assertive* and say what's annoying you. No amount of glaring will do the same as "please don't touch me as I really don't like it", "that is really not your business", " I'd appreciate it if you dropped the personal remarks as I don't find them appropriate". Stay polite, don't say it loudly, but keep repeating if he keeps doing the same things.

Is he retired or in a different office? He probably thinks he's being friendly, and doesn't realise he's overstepping the mark.

Big_Mac

sickofoldman wrote: »

I am posting this anonymously.

I am 22 ans I am really sick of a 60 year old I work with. This man is in a more senior role to me. I am working there 7 months, he is there donkeys years.
He has no business coming into the office I work in but comes in about 3 times a day to "chat with ye all". He always sits beside my desk and asks me about my boyfriend. Up until a few weeks ago he had never even met my boyfriend but asks about him on a daily basis. I just say "he's fine". No one else in the office gets asked about their boyfriend/girlfriend.

Every morning when we go down for breakfast the rest of my office sit with this man so I have to aswell. I do be quiet in the mornings as I am tired and like to just eat my breakfast in peace. I cannot with this man. Every 5-10 minutes he is tapping me on the arm telling me to "wake up". This drives me mad as I hate being touched by people I barely know especially men 3 times my age. He will do this 3-4 times over a 30 minute breakfast. He wil also put his hand on my shoulder as he leaves the table. When he touches me I pull away or glare at him but it doesnt deter him. In addition to this he makes comments about my makeup "I see you are wearing glitter today" or about my hair or clothes. No one else gets this, only me. I think it is so rude to be constantly making comment about other people's appearance. Once he also had a good look at my breakfast (a scone and 2 hash browns) and looked me up and down and said "You eat a lot, don't you?". I am tall and a size 10 and he is built like a garden gnome. When he said that I half-jokingly told him to **** off.

In addition to this, his partner lives in the same town as me. On a number of occasions he has asked "Who was that young lad going into your house on Saturday?" (it was my brother) and "whose is the blue car?" (its mine). I found this creepy and I half-jokingly told him to stop stalking me.

I am really sick of this man. I find him very rude and plain creepy. Asking several times a day how my boyfriend is. Making constant remarks about my appearance. Constantly touching my arm to "wake me up".

He does all this in front of my seniors in the office and he has this "jolly old man" persona but I am just plain sick of him. What can I do.

Tell him to feck off in no uncertain terms

This guy probably thinks your cute or something and this would be why he is spending so much time taking heed of your business. Just clearly explain that you feel uncomfortable when he touches you (he is invading your personal space after all), and that you find his condescending remarks about your figure and personal appearance insulting and offensive. If he comes into the office bothering you to 'Chat to ye all' just politely say something like 'I'm really sorry but I have a lot of work to do, so I must get on' or something like that.

Its not uncommon for us men not to take subtle hints that are being dropped, such as glaring, being told to fcuk off jokingly when you are actually being serious. Sometimes you really do need to spell things out for us.

He won't be long getting the message. And if continues to bother you and make these references after you making your feelings quite clear, I would speak with the boss as what he is doing can easily be interpreted as sexual harassment.

MysticalSoul

You do need to be direct with him. Some people don't understand half stated messages or hints, but remain polite yet firm. If it continues do speak to your superiors about it.

LegacyUser

I was sitting there at breakfast this morning and he started clicking his fingers at me telling me I wasn't "as lively" as I usually am. What am I, a dog? I just said "I'm fine thanks". He is just a pest. Started making comments about "You're not smiling today".

craichoe

Straight to HR and they can deal with it.

Thats what their there for ...

Steve_o

craichoe wrote: »

Straight to HR and they can deal with it.

Thats what their there for ...

This is the best course of action... Especially because he seems unwilling / or doesn't get the hints. Its completely unprofessional in any case.

jellie

Make it clear to him he is being inappropriate, but in a polite way. Keep a record of when you said this to him. If he continues, then go to HR & explain that youve already spoken to him giving reference to the time when you did.

Although this is easier said than done. Theres a guy in work who WRECKS my head. nothing i can put my finger on, but theres just something about him that creeps me out - sits too close when he speaks to me or has to look at my computer, speaks down to me, has even smirked at things ive said (as in your such a stupid girl type of smirk). but its nothing solid so i dont really think theres much i can do i just try avoid him, & am polite but slightly cold when speaking to him.

Big_Mac

craichoe wrote: »

Straight to HR and they can deal with it.

Thats what their there for ...

I agree, if the speaking to him directly approach fails, then you will need to speak to your HR department. If they even get the remotest hint of something resembling sexual harassment (and I can't see what else it could be if he doesn't stop) they will be on top of it so fast..........

Victor

Some of this may be down to personality and he may be oblivious on a certain level - he may think he is being friendly. However, if it is making you uncomfortable, then it isn't on. Take it up with HR or your superiors.

echosound

OK I'm going to go slightly against the general grain here - it sounds innocent enough to me from what you've described. I'd know a fair few older men who would act like that, thinking they're being friendly or kindly - perhaps he has a daughter your age, and has taken a shine to you because you remind him of her. Or perhaps he's being "protective" as he sees you as a young girl still, I know some older acquainteances see me as a girl even though I'm hitting 30, mainly because their own children are my age, and they still see them as youngsters. Therefore they act a little fatherly/motherly towards people that are the same age as their own kids. they may feel a little more comfortable being jokey/familiar with you.

I often get asked how my husband/family is by people who wouldn't have ever met him or them, they're just being polite and friendly, enquiring after someone they know means a lot to me. I wouldn't take offence to it at all, it's being polite - eg a woman I used to work with has a house with her sister, and I'd often ask how her sister was, even though I never met the sister, but I knew my colleague spent a lot of time with her and appreciated people taking an interest in her life outside of work. Same as I'd enquire after a work colleague's mother or father (whom I'd never met either) and how they were keeping, or about an older colleague's daughters or sons. To my mind, it's just being polite, and most people love nothing more than being able to discuss their family/loved ones, I'd often get told about how mary was doing travelling in australia, or how johnny was doing in the Leaving cert, or that their father was under the weather and had to have an operation, or whatever.

OK, you don't like the way he's acting, so you should perhaps just say it to him straight out, or perhaps do something else for your break so you're not around him.

I don't personally like people invading my personal space either (i'm not touchy feely) so I just position myself where people won't be able to prod me/lay a hand on my shoulder etc.

If it really is a huge problem for you, and you have asked him to stop/told him you don't like people touching you and he continues, then I'd think about going to a manager/HR and making it an official issue. But only after you have let him know you don't like acting like that around you, and give him a chance to change how he interacts with you. He is probably totally unaware that what he sees as being friendly/fatherly etc is making you feel uncomfortable, and I'd be willing to bet that he'd be mortified to think you were sitting there gritting your teeth and thinking he was some wierdo perv.

Is it just the fact that he's so much older that is annoying you?would you take the same offence if it was a woman the same age as you, or a man the same age acting like that?

LegacyUser

Keep us posted about what's happening. Cannot STAND those sort of old perverts. It's just horrible, because it's so subtle, you don't know if you can even say anything. He is definately over-stepping the mark, anyone with a small bit of common sense, or dignity for that matter would never put their hands on a colleague, even if it's a "friendly pat on the shoulder".
No shame in being assertive. I know it's bloody hard, but he knows full well what he's doing. And don't be ashamed of what people would think of you saying it to him, if you say it to him in a public place, people don't tend to buy the 'friendly old man' act for very long.
The guy's a pervert. Put him in his place.
After being assertive toward him, if his sh*te continues, do not hesitate to go to HR. He needs to be put in his place. It is sexual harrassment, have no doubt about it. Unwanted comments, about your appearance, about your personal life. Intimidating-in as much as he implies that he's been spying on you, leering at you, touching you. Totally out of order!
Good luck with it.

Andrew H

I agree with many of the points raised by echosound. This man may just think he is been friendly and is trying to bring you out of your shell. But he is obviously making you very uncomfortable and you need to get this accross to him.

I would avoid having breakfast in his company, I would leave the office when he comes in for his chats and when he makes a comment or does anything else that you find offensive I would clearly let him know that I found his remark offensive and then if it continues report the matter to Human Resources, make sure you keep a diary and list events, times and who was present.

MysticalSoul

echosound wrote: »

OK I'm going to go slightly against the general grain here - it sounds innocent enough to me from what you've described. /QUOTE]

I would disagree with this, as he has also commented on things he has seen outside of work, which are none of his business. To me, that would be overstepping the professional boundary, unless such information was volunteered.

OP I really hope that you do talk with him, and tell him that you find his comments and behaviour inappropriate. The longer you put it off telling him straight up how you feel about this, you are inadvertently giving him the message that it is ok.

craichoe

I would definetly recommend going to HR first, i have seen instances in the past where the confronted person goes to HR first with certain claims.

Previous example:

Girl in a meeting, guy on the other side of the table keeps staring down her top.
Girl is disgusted by the behaviour, has the intention of confronting the guy first, gets a call from HR.

Guy has already gone to HR saying that she had been coming onto him, wearing revealing clothing etc. HR told her this was a serious matter and that she would need to address her wardrobe as it was affecting her co-workers.

Since he went first, she looks like the guilty party.

Hence why you should go to HR first and let them address the issue, you have no way of knowing how he'll react and no defence if he reacts badly to it.

Carrigart Exile

echosound wrote: »

OK I'm going to go slightly against the general grain here - it sounds innocent enough to me from what you've described. I'd know a fair few older men who would act like that, thinking they're being friendly or kindly - perhaps he has a daughter your age, and has taken a shine to you because you remind him of her. Or perhaps he's being "protective" as he sees you as a young girl still, I know some older acquainteances see me as a girl even though I'm hitting 30, mainly because their own children are my age, and they still see them as youngsters. Therefore they act a little fatherly/motherly towards people that are the same age as their own kids. they may feel a little more comfortable being jokey/familiar with you.

I often get asked how my husband/family is by people who wouldn't have ever met him or them, they're just being polite and friendly, enquiring after someone they know means a lot to me. I wouldn't take offence to it at all, it's being polite - eg a woman I used to work with has a house with her sister, and I'd often ask how her sister was, even though I never met the sister, but I knew my colleague spent a lot of time with her and appreciated people taking an interest in her life outside of work. Same as I'd enquire after a work colleague's mother or father (whom I'd never met either) and how they were keeping, or about an older colleague's daughters or sons. To my mind, it's just being polite, and most people love nothing more than being able to discuss their family/loved ones, I'd often get told about how mary was doing travelling in australia, or how johnny was doing in the Leaving cert, or that their father was under the weather and had to have an operation, or whatever.

OK, you don't like the way he's acting, so you should perhaps just say it to him straight out, or perhaps do something else for your break so you're not around him.

I don't personally like people invading my personal space either (i'm not touchy feely) so I just position myself where people won't be able to prod me/lay a hand on my shoulder etc.

If it really is a huge problem for you, and you have asked him to stop/told him you don't like people touching you and he continues, then I'd think about going to a manager/HR and making it an official issue. But only after you have let him know you don't like acting like that around you, and give him a chance to change how he interacts with you. He is probably totally unaware that what he sees as being friendly/fatherly etc is making you feel uncomfortable, and I'd be willing to bet that he'd be mortified to think you were sitting there gritting your teeth and thinking he was some wierdo perv.

Is it just the fact that he's so much older that is annoying you?would you take the same offence if it was a woman the same age as you, or a man the same age acting like that?

+1, completely agree.

Wurly

I honestly don't think that this man knows what affect he is having on the OP.

I think he is just trying to be friendly.

It doesn't sound like sexual harassment to me tbh. I think its wrong for everyone to jump on the bandwagon with regards to this too. Its a very very serious allegation.

He would get on my absolute wick aswell. But honestly god love him, I just think he's trying to be nice and has a genuine interest in your life (not in a creepy way)

As another poster said, maybe you remind him of his daughter or some other young girl he knows.

I'd speak to him first and tell him politely that its bothering you and to stop. Don't report him. He'd prob be devastated as like I said, I dont think he thinks he's doing anything wrong. I really dont think he means to annoy you.

Obviously, if it doesnt stop after that, go to HR.

Lollipops23

Hi OP,

I can totally understand why his behaviour is having this affect on you-it's one thing to enquire after your loved one's wellbeing but to ask such random questions about "that guy going into your house" is quite creepy.

I do have to wonder if he realises that he is coming across this way, but at the end of the day, does it matter??I don't think it does-you're not being unreasonable by not wanting him to touch you, and his constant needling of you to "wake up" would make me want to hit him. Be more assertive in letting him know how you feel-snatch your arm away next time he tries to touch you, when he tells you to wake up loudly reply NO I'LL WAKE UP WHEN I'M GOOD AND READY, THANKS and make sure people hear you. Also,clicking fingers at someone is the height of rudeness.

If he persists then it's time to report him to either HR or a union rep if you have one.

luckat

I think in your position I'd say it to him straight. Just say - when you're alone with him but *about to be with others*: "Look, Joe, I don't find the way you target me with attention appropriate. We're colleagues. Please treat me as such."

Don't get into any further discussion. If he tries to discuss it, just say: "I don't want to discuss this further."

If he keeps on after that, *then* you can think of going to HR/union, etc. But first, I'd just say it to him straight.

LegacyUser

echosound wrote: »

OK I'm going to go slightly against the general grain here - it sounds innocent enough to me from what you've described. I'd know a fair few older men who would act like that, thinking they're being friendly or kindly - perhaps he has a daughter your age, and has taken a shine to you because you remind him of her. Or perhaps he's being "protective" as he sees you as a young girl still, I know some older acquainteances see me as a girl even though I'm hitting 30, mainly because their own children are my age, and they still see them as youngsters. Therefore they act a little fatherly/motherly towards people that are the same age as their own kids. they may feel a little more comfortable being jokey/familiar with you.

I often get asked how my husband/family is by people who wouldn't have ever met him or them, they're just being polite and friendly, enquiring after someone they know means a lot to me. I wouldn't take offence to it at all, it's being polite - eg a woman I used to work with has a house with her sister, and I'd often ask how her sister was, even though I never met the sister, but I knew my colleague spent a lot of time with her and appreciated people taking an interest in her life outside of work. Same as I'd enquire after a work colleague's mother or father (whom I'd never met either) and how they were keeping, or about an older colleague's daughters or sons. To my mind, it's just being polite, and most people love nothing more than being able to discuss their family/loved ones, I'd often get told about how mary was doing travelling in australia, or how johnny was doing in the Leaving cert, or that their father was under the weather and had to have an operation, or whatever.

OK, you don't like the way he's acting, so you should perhaps just say it to him straight out, or perhaps do something else for your break so you're not around him.

I don't personally like people invading my personal space either (i'm not touchy feely) so I just position myself where people won't be able to prod me/lay a hand on my shoulder etc.

If it really is a huge problem for you, and you have asked him to stop/told him you don't like people touching you and he continues, then I'd think about going to a manager/HR and making it an official issue. But only after you have let him know you don't like acting like that around you, and give him a chance to change how he interacts with you. He is probably totally unaware that what he sees as being friendly/fatherly etc is making you feel uncomfortable, and I'd be willing to bet that he'd be mortified to think you were sitting there gritting your teeth and thinking he was some wierdo perv.

Is it just the fact that he's so much older that is annoying you?would you take the same offence if it was a woman the same age as you, or a man the same age acting like that?

i have the same problem at work. a man was being very friendly to me, and as he is way older i thought it was just because maybe he saw me as his daughter, acting fatherly as you said so i kept being friendly to him, until the day he asked me out for dinner. i said i wasnt interested but to this day he is still stalking me and getting creepier. we dont work for the same company so really dont know what to do. but what i want to say is that
its nice to think that oh he's just acting fatherly, but some kind of men needs little or none encouragment to go and do this kind of stuff to you. i can understand when you say you feel bad when he touches you, i would aswell. you don't need this kind of tension every day you know, just waiting for the next thing he'll do to you.
i think you should tell him you want to have a word with him, and then tell him that you want him to stop the personal comments and touching. be polite but firm. he'll prob say that you're overreacting and say that all is very innocent but don't mind him. be assertive cos if he doesn't stop you can tell the hr people that you already talked to him.
good luck.

MJOR

Tri wrote: »

I honestly don't think that this man knows what affect he is having on the OP.

I think he is just trying to be friendly.

It doesn't sound like sexual harassment to me tbh. I think its wrong for everyone to jump on the bandwagon with regards to this too. Its a very very serious allegation.

He would get on my absolute wick aswell. But honestly god love him, I just think he's trying to be nice and has a genuine interest in your life (not in a creepy way)

As another poster said, maybe you remind him of his daughter or some other young girl he knows.


I'd speak to him first and tell him politely that its bothering you and to stop. Don't report him. He'd prob be devastated as like I said, I dont think he thinks he's doing anything wrong. I really dont think he means to annoy you.

Obviously, if it doesnt stop after that, go to HR.

+ 1 he is harmless and i think just ignore him

LegacyUser

Hello,

I am quite old (62 to be precise) and I engage in this kind of behaviour with the younger employees in my workplace (hope your not talking about me!) I honestly didn't know young people found this creepy because to me its just a bit of fun and in my case I am pretty sure my co workers do too. It can get very monontonous at work constantly talking with the more senior workers even though I am a senior myself! So gererally I would go have a chat with the younger ones and have a laugh! it makes work a bit more bareable!

I really hope my co workers don't think like you and I really hope you are not talking about me!! But maybe I should rethink how I talk to the younger employees. Maybe I should act more serious and old.... I just think its a shame that because I am older that younger people find it creepy when I engage in a bit of banter. Quess I should have a talk with the younger employees and see if they have any problems with it. I dont think they do!

Well I hope they don't!

Toots

OP, he sounds harmless enough, but nonetheless his behaviour bothers you, so it needs to be addressed. I'd be reluctant to go straight to HR on this one, as if he is just a harmless, albeit socially awkward, old coot, this may be overkill to an extent.

Is there anyone senior to you who you are friendly with in the office who might be able to have a quiet word in his ear about it? If there is, and they're willing, see how that works. He might not mean any harm by his actions, and genuinely might not realise how annoying he is. He might also be the male version of a nosy old biddy, who likes to know what's going on in everyone's life.

If getting someone to have a chat with him doesn't work, and his behaviour persists, then I would speak to your manager or HR dept about it, but I'd say try the other option first.

AARRRGH

If he was young and good looking, would it still bother you?

echosound

^^ Would really like to know the answer to this question alright.

Anoldmanhimself - don't let this put you off enjoying a bit of banter with your co-workers, most people will see it for what it is - colleagues having a laugh at work, breaking up the monotony of the day. And BTW, at 62 I wouldn't class yourself as "old" just yet

luckat

There's a difference between light-hearted banter between *a group of people* and a guy who's continually edging up to sit beside *one* person and licking his lips over boyfriend questions.

I don't think it makes much difference what age someone is - there's a line you don't cross in work. Banter, yes, heavy-eyed, deep-breathing personal quesitons and constant attention, no, no, no, no, no.

seahorse

luckat wrote: »

There's a difference between light-hearted banter between *a group of people* and a guy who's continually edging up to sit beside *one* person and licking his lips over boyfriend questions.

+ 1.

He sounds like an aul perv. OP, your hints are getting you nowhere; if I were you I'd just tell him to fukoff.

LegacyUser

dublindude wrote: »

If he was young and good looking, would it still bother you?

What's that got to do with it? He is a colleague and is 3 times my age.

What does bother me- it is ONLY me that gets this treatment. There could be a few of us sitting there eating our breakfasts and I will be the one getting stared at and poked and "Are we awake yet? How is your boyfriend? You're looking very fancy today".

The problem is that he is seen as this jolly old man. But I am sure people do wonder about why he is at me constantly. But if I was to say "I am sick of you touching me, commenting on my appearance and asking about my boyfriend", I could look like some sort of weirdo? Some sort of Heather Mills character because everyone believes the man?

MissHoneyBun

OP I totally understand what you're going through as I found myself in a similar predicament last year. In my situation it involved a very random but persistent middle aged man following me for a period of almost three months. It got so bad that it unfortunately resulted in being very seriously dealt with by the Gardai. Anyway what I'd just like to say to you I guess is that you need to address this now. It's very surreal to have an unknown person take an unwanted interest in you and for that reason, looking back, I think I was in denial about what was actually happening. I think I convinced myself that I was to blame somehow and was very wary of getting this man into trouble for what may have been a misperception on my behalf. It got to the stage where I was a nervous mess leaving my house for work each morning as I knew he would be waiting for me as usual. In the end when my boyfriend and family realised what was happening and to the extent it was effecting me I knew I had to do something. I guess despite my better judgement I didnt trust my own instincts at the time and needed the clarification from my boyfriend and family to reassure me I wasnt imagining this. After one particularly disturbing episode on my way to work one morning, I broke down to a colleague and she immediately accompanied me to a Garda station. They were stunned when I told them and incredibly supportive and understanding. Sorry for the long winded post but I guess what I'm saying is it's important that you act on this now before things escalate because it's too late when it happens.
Best wishes x

TelePaul

dublindude wrote: »

If he was young and good looking, would it still bother you?

Interesting point. I think, in terms of hypothetical questions, one might ask whether a woman in her sixties asking such questions of a 22 year old male colleague would appear invasive or sexually driven (frankly, previous allusions to the latter in this thread appear pretty seriously unfounded given the information supplied.)

Tread carefully OP - you're obviously uncomfortable, but what you're accusing this man of is quite serious. You're there seven months, he's there alot longer. It wouldn't do to needlessly embarass anyone of the situation could be avoided.

kowloon

Firstly, let someone you trust not to spread this around the office know.
You need to confront him and tell him in a very serious manner what you think of his behaviour.
Be calm about it and don't get abusive as it won't help.
If he gets the message leave it at that.
If he doesn't you need to make the problem known to management/HR.

I wouldn't go to the higher powers straight away as disciplinary action on someone so near retirement is going to impact them badly, you need to be sure he understands the gravity of the situation first.

BraziliaNZ

Maybe the OP is just an unfriendly person, one of these typical Irish girls you meet in bar that instantly assumes you're a total weirdo if they don't know you already or any of your friends. There was a lady in her late 50s when I was working in Ireland who had an interest in my life and my plans and moving abroad etc etc that I would regularly talk with and take lifts home with or have lunch with. I didn't assume she was some dried up creepy old woman trying to hump me. Older people are just like younger people, you'll be old before you know it and it wouldn't be nice if younger people didn't talk to you and thought you're an oddball.

tbh

sickofoldman wrote: »

What does bother me- it is ONLY me that gets this treatment. There could be a few of us sitting there eating our breakfasts and I will be the one getting stared at and poked and "Are we awake yet? How is your boyfriend? You're looking very fancy today".

ok, you're going to have to embarrass yourself in order to get this to stop. The next time he does something like this, say (in front of everyone) "<name>, can I ask you a question? why is it only me that you make these comments to? How come you never comment on how <x> looks, or how sleepy <y> is, or ask about (z's) boyfriend?? Cause I have to say, I'm starting to feel picked on a little bit, and I don't really want to have to defend myself every time I come for breakfast". Make sure you say it in a matter-of-fact way, and try to not get emotional.

If he's genuinely just trying to be friendly, he'll cop on and quit. If not, you can go to HR.

missmatty

BraziliaNZ wrote: »

Maybe the OP is just an unfriendly person, one of these typical Irish girls you meet in bar that instantly assumes you're a total weirdo if they don't know you already or any of your friends

Is it just me or is this statement entirely offensive?

OP, definitely say some thing to this guy along the lines suggested in tbh's post. There's banter and having a laugh all right and most people are fine with that but this all just sounds creepy imo.

AARRRGH

sickofoldman wrote: »

What's that got to do with it? He is a colleague and is 3 times my age.

Because if he was younger and good looking, and his attention didn't bother you, this suggests to me the problem is you're uncomfortable around older people, rather than his attention being particularly bad.

Yes, he does sound like a dick, but being a dick and being a pervert are two totally different things. Just because he's old doesn't make him a pervert.

sickofoldman wrote: »

What does bother me- it is ONLY me that gets this treatment. There could be a few of us sitting there eating our breakfasts and I will be the one getting stared at and poked and "Are we awake yet? How is your boyfriend? You're looking very fancy today".

Does he actually say those three sentences in a row, or did he say them seperately over the space of a few weeks, and you've put them together in one sentence for dramatic effect?

sickofoldman wrote: »

The problem is that he is seen as this jolly old man.

So only you have a problem with him? Is it possible you're being paranoid? Seriously, by complaining to HR you could ruin this man.

tbh

yeah, it's unfair to label him as a pervert, but he really does sound very patronising. It's totally plausible that he thinks maybe you are down in the dumps or are shy, and he's trying to integrate you into the group in his own way. However, respect is a two-way street - if you've told him you are uncomfortable with this treatment and he doesn't stop, you've every right -and indeed obligation - to go to HR.

It could be just a lack of communication tho, do try to sort it out between you.

LegacyUser

dublindude wrote: »

Because if he was younger and good looking, and his attention didn't bother you, this suggests to me the problem is you're uncomfortable around older people, rather than his attention being particularly bad.

So what you're saying is that I should be just as happy about an old man I barely know making remarks about my appearance/boyfriend/everything else, as I should be about some fine thing doing the same? If you had some old woman touching your arm and asking "how is your girlfriend?" ten times a day, you would be as happy as if it was a beautiful girl you really fancied?

It seems from your view, that sexual harrassment does not exist, hell, even full on sexual assault doesn't exist, as all attention is good attention no matter who it is. What if I was in a nightclub and some ugly old weirdo was asking me to go home with him, would you expect me to, just because I would consider it if he was good looking?

Dating is not equal opportunities.

dublindude wrote: »

Does he actually say those three sentences in a row, or did he say them seperately over the space of a few weeks, and you've put them together in one sentence for dramatic effect?

He says those sentences at least twice a day, EVERY day. This goes on absolutely EVERY day.

dublindude wrote: »

So only you have a problem with him? Is it possible you're being paranoid? Seriously, by complaining to HR you could ruin this man.

No, it's the other way around. I am the only one that he pays any attention to. There could be 8 of us sitting at a table and I will be the one who has him clicking his fingers in my face, looking me up and down and making comments about my appearance.

If I go to HR it is his own fault for hassling me in the first place.

siouxie sue

Hey sick of old man guest, you are dead right to be annoyed with this man.Why should you have to change you lifestyle to avoid him such as not going to breakfast when he is going and walking out of the office when he comes in. Harassment didn't come as part of your job.

He could be trying to push you out of your job too?

I would go to HR or change my job.

After all did all those children who were abused by the priests think ahh their just being friendly. :rolleyes: In this day and age you can't think that chance.

ongarite

Sounds like he is infatuated with you. All these comments are out of order IMO and you should get onto HR.
Have you talked to any of your other work colleague's who you have lunch with, what they think of this man's behaviour?

gogglebok

I think the important element here is that the guy is behaving badly. Whether it's sexual or not is hardly the issue. He should be more sensitive to the OP's discomfort, and he certainly shouldn't bring private knowledge of her life outside work into office conversations, however "bantering" they are. Isn't that seriously inappropriate, regardless of age or gender?

OP, is there a manager or anyone in HR you could have a sympathetic chat with? There is a danger in doing nothing, in that you might suddenly explode into a reaction that is itself inappropriate. You want to stay entirely in the right in this one.

mosesgun

ongarite wrote: »

Sounds like he is infatuated with you. All these comments are out of order IMO and you should get onto HR.
Have you talked to any of your other work colleague's who you have lunch with, what they think of this man's behaviour?

With respect, I think this is crazy advice. He's a 60 year old man. His actions might be inappropriate but he needs to be told this in no uncertain terms by you. Going straight to HR is not a good idea. Guys of that age can tend to be a little less than PC so he needs to know this. Take him aside and tell him the problem and I'll bet you that will be an end to it.

Hrududu

I wouldnt suggest going to HR yet. But I would change the way you react to him. When he asks you things like "Who was that guy I saw going into your house?" Look at him incredulously and go "Excuse me?" When he asks after your boyfriend just say "He's fine." Either don't respond to him or do so coldly. Do it enough until he gets the message. If it was happening to me every day I would get very p!ssed off.

hunnymonster

Three things worry me about the situation

1. Apart from a handshake, I don't think it's ever appropriate to touch someone you work with. Touching you on the shoulder and clicking his fingers in front of your face are not suitable. Even constantly commenting on your appearance is not a bit borderline.

2. Treating you differently to everyone else is also not on. From what you say, he has singled you out for different treatment.

3. I would be very freaked out if a work colleague, knew who was coming to my house, when a strange car is parked outside etc. This really does smell like stalking.

As the others have said, you need to tell him about your concerns directly. Don't do it in public or make too big a deal about it but firmly tell him the behaviour is not appropriate in a professional setting and outline the changes you would like to see (no touching, no personal remarks)

LegacyUser

OP you are in the right, the fact that you are being singled out for this treatment either implies that he is infatuated with you or this is a result of the office dynamics - as in, "lets pick on the newbie", it may be that he's the focal point of the attack and the rest of the group are having a chuckle at your expense. This you'll have to figure out by talking with your other colleagues to see what the story is and also see if this if this is normal behaviour from him, make sure u ask someone u trust and get them on there own (as the butt of many a practical joke - you learn how to flush them out). A third option is that he's been doing this for years and therefore they've all become tolerant of it.

Either way this is unacceptable behaviour, practical jokes or not (usually a fan): manipulative/invasive/abusive, classic traits of a bully/creep, and others who are usually quick to defend this type of behaviour as "normal" for whatever reason have obvously never been the victim of this behaviour and most likely exhibit this type of behaviour themselves in one form or another.

You should address this OP and soon, go to HR with your issues and be assertive, don't let people try to roll you over with the "ah sure,that's normal oul fella behaviour" or "ah sure, he's always done that": there's taking an interest in people's life and then there's abusing peoples personal space - this man is clearly doing the latter.

tbh

I think it's unfair that people automatically assume that the old guy is doing it to be a dick. I would say that it's at least equally as likely that he genuinely thinks that he's being helpful - maybe he thinks that the OP is shy and needs "bringing out of herself" or whatever. Either way, the end result is unacceptable, but his motives do affect how you should deal with the issue, and I find it pays to give people the benefit of the doubt at first. If the OP simply tells the old guy she doesn't like it, he could be mortified and never do it again. If, on the other hand, he is unapologetic THEN you go to HR. The old guy comes from a different generation, possibly in his day it would have been an honour for a senior member of staff to interact with someone younger, or something along those lines.

BigglesMcGee

samesit wrote: »

i have the same problem at work. a man was being very friendly to me, and as he is way older i thought it was just because maybe he saw me as his daughter, acting fatherly as you said so i kept being friendly to him, until the day he asked me out for dinner. i said i wasnt interested but to this day he is still stalking me and getting creepier. we dont work for the same company so really dont know what to do. but what i want to say is that
its nice to think that oh he's just acting fatherly, but some kind of men needs little or none encouragment to go and do this kind of stuff to you. i can understand when you say you feel bad when he touches you, i would aswell. you don't need this kind of tension every day you know, just waiting for the next thing he'll do to you.

Friend of mine years ago had this too. He got all the attention from an older man. Thought he was being protective of him. One niht he invites him to sleep on his couch after a night out with work. Wakes up in the middle of the night with the guys hand down his trousers :eek:

OP - Go to HR.

AARRRGH

sickofoldman wrote: »

It seems from your view, that sexual harrassment does not exist, hell, even full on sexual assault doesn't exist, as all attention is good attention no matter who it is.

You see, it's posts like the above which makes me think you are a bit paranoid/unstable.

sickofoldman wrote: »

"Are we awake yet? How is your boyfriend? You're looking very fancy today". He says those sentences at least twice a day, EVERY day. This goes on absolutely EVERY day.

I don't believe you. If he were doing this everyone in your office would be thinking wtf.

sickofoldman wrote: »

If I go to HR it is his own fault for hassling me in the first place.

Going to HR is pointless at this stage. If his behaviour is making you uncomfortable, say it to him.

Tell him his behaviour is making you uncomfortable. Don't try to ruin the man. It could simply be poor social skills.

tbh

dublindude wrote: »

You see, it's posts like the above which makes me think you are a bit paranoid/unstable.

or upset?

I don't believe you. If he were doing this everyone in your office would be thinking wtf.

I believe that he is making the comments. Perhaps everyone else in the office just takes them in a different context (when they hear the guy saying them to the OP). Like, maybe they think he's a friend of the family, or any other satisfactory explanation for the over-familiarity.

Going to HR is pointless at this stage. If his behaviour is making you uncomfortable, say it to him.

I obviously agree with this, and OP another thing you might want to think of, if you go to hr, and they have a word with him and he apologises profusely and gets terribly embarrased and contrite, and offers an explanation (I thought I was being helpful etc), hr are going to feel sorry for him and wonder if maybe you were over-reacting. It's human nature.

so in summary:

yes, his behaviour is unacceptable, no, you shouldn't have to put up with it, yes, sometimes these things do happen, but no, it doesn't always mean that the guy is a perv - although he could be. Say it to him first, and then if you get no joy, say it to HR, and don't feel guilty about doing either.

Tell him his behaviour is making you uncomfortable. Don't try to ruin the man. It could simply be poor social skills.

In my experience, it's 80% chance it's poor social skills, and 20% likely to be creepy. But if you treat everyone like they are in that 20%, they win.

MJOR

dublindude wrote: »

You see, it's posts like the above which makes me think you are a bit paranoid/unstable.



I don't believe you. If he were doing this everyone in your office would be thinking wtf.



Going to HR is pointless at this stage. If his behaviour is making you uncomfortable, say it to him.

Tell him his behaviour is making you uncomfortable. Don't try to ruin the man. It could simply be poor social skills.

here here....

Pamwam

We all have the right to choose who we are comfortable with or not. Maybe his intensions are harmless but if they are making someone uncomfortable that’s not right.

Clearly OP isn’t comfortable with it and that is her prerogative.

If you can manage it OP, a quiet word with him to say that you aren’t comfortable with his behaviour should sort it. If it was harmless on his part, he should get the message and respect what you are saying.

Difficult to do I’m sure, but if you think about what you want to say and write it down beforehand that will help. Or would you be able to chat to your manager about it? Maybe they could have a word with him on your behalf.

LegacyUser

I agree with Dublin Dude, he's hit the nail on the head. If it was a young/rich/attractive guy, there's no problem. Go figure.





Imho, the old guy is just being friendly. I remember one particular old man who I used to work with and he was very friendly, had a great personality and would always be willing to have a conversation or go for coffee. He was also a little bit touchy-feely, as in a pat on the back etc. He did it to a lot of staff, both male and female, and the general consensus was that he was just being friendly. We all really liked working with him.

It could be a generation thing. Certain behaviour (eg. acting as a father figure) may have been acceptable long ago, but nowadays could be viewed as sexual harassment.