Fighting over bills/money

LegacyUser

Hi

I'm in a bit of a state at the moment, first I suppose I should give some background information. Myself and my boyfriend have been engaged 6 months now. We are together 7 years, living together for 5 or 6 and last year we start having big problems basically he wouldn't commit to me and wouldn't consider me in his plans and was generally treating me badly so I had enough and broke up with him telling him why and he moved out last May. A few months later we decided to see a counsellor to see if we could work things out and it turned out to be great for us, we learned a lot and decided to give our relationship another shot, I understood what he needed from me and vice versa so at the end of the year he proposed and I was very happy but we still weren't living back together and all this time I was living alone with my child and he woguld come and stay but he had an issue that he had to deal with so I agreed that it was ok that he didn't come back just yet in order to help him with it so I continued living alone and being responsible for all the bills etc. while he stayed with me a few nights a week. I was more than prepared to make that sacrifice because I love him but I was struggling.

So fastforward to now and we are still living apart, he got his issue dealt with in April and the way was clear for us to sit down and talk about the terms of him moving back but he kept putting it off. I pinned him down on it and for the last 2 nights we were having discussions. Wednesday's chat went fine, we agreed that sometimes we'd have to compromise on things and to approach problems from the other one's point of view, all very civilised and now I was feeling very positive about us. We were looking to buy a house and were sorting out him coming to live back with me until we did this and so I did up a budget of all our bills & expenses for the year and we sat down last night and went through it.

Straight away he was asking questions about everything which he's entitled to do but it's like he didn't trust me. I basically told him that since our circumstances are different (he earns way more than me and is in the black with huge savings and doesn't have to worry about money whereas I'm just living within my means with not much to spare after I pay all my bills and I owe a fortune on my credit card which I really want to clear) that if we could do a 60:40 split on the bills for a few months to help me catch up and pay off some of my credit card and try to save a bit for our house, that I would prefer to do that. He said no way, we go 50:50 or not at all and he wasn't prepared to compromise so we had a huge fight and I walked out of his mothers house and haven't spoke to him since.

I'm so annoyed over the fact that I asked him to help me with something since he was in a better position than me, and I don't think it's unresonable to ask your partner to do this if it was reveresed I'd do it for him, and he basically made me feel like a beggar. It's even more than the money, even if he had said, right I'm prepared to pay €20 more than you a week it would have been something. He has a list as long as my arm of things he wants me to compromise on and I'm prepared to do it cos I love him but yet he couldn't do this for me. It just feels like I might as well not be engaged to him or with him at all cos if I was ever in any trouble or needed him he would only be there for me on his terms. He told me that he thinks he's 3rd in my list of priorities but I've sacrificed so much for him and he wants to be second after my child but where am I on his list based on the above? I feel so let down by him. Before I left yesterday he was throwing it in my face about how he arranged a great surprise trip for my 30th and organised a party and yes he has been very good to me and is a one for the grand gestures but I told him that I never asked for this stuff and the one thing I am asking for help with he refuses to do. His response to that was "Well I didn't see you saying no to any of it" like as if I was greedy for accepting gifts he gave me, he also mentioned the money he spent on my engagement ring so I told him if it meant that much to him, he could have it back. So he has it and I don't even want it now cos it doens't mean the same as I thought it did and I'm not sure if I want to waste my time on a relationship that makes me feel this bad yet again. I really thought we'd worked things out but no.

Please tell me if I'm being resonable or not and I really want to know, if you are in a long term committed relationship do you split things 50:50 or if your partner earns more (or you do) do you think it's fair to watch them struggle while you are able to cope better financially and could help them with no hardship?

Sorry it's so long, feels good to vent though!

LegacyUser

Anyone??

RedXIV

Hey OP,

Probably not what you want to hear but a guy that isn't willing to comprimise like that doesn't sound like an ideal catch to me. Especially with him earning more money, he could be a bit more considerate.

If i were you i'd print out what you put up here and hand it to him. let him see it in black and white and if he's still unreasonable, it say it's time to call it a day

helimachoptor

Op you need to talk to him. Is the child his?

When myself and my Gf started going out we were both in college and broke. She finished the year before me and got a good job and was generous with her money. The next year I landed a very well paying contract and at this stage we were living together and i paid most of the bills for the next 9 months or so as she had been generous to me while I was studying for my finals.

I took on a permanent position which seen me earn about 15k a year less than her and again she had no problem sharing the wealth. Now I earn a good bit more than her and we dont have any money worries but things are pretty 50/50 though sometimes i'll just pay gas/esb or shopping and not take the money from her.

He sounds like a bit of a miser.

MagicMarker

It's not a case of you pay 50:50 or 60:40, if you're living together as a family with a view to marriage then the total income coming into the house belongs to the FAMILY, it's not his or yours it belongs to both of you and all the budgeting should be calculated using this total monthly income from a joint account setup by yourselves.

What happens in the future if you want to go on holiday and you can't afford your 'half' but he can afford his? Are you supposed to pay for your child too or will he kindly oblige to pay half of that?

Regarding the surprise party, in all fairness that was really nice of him, there was no need to throw that back in his face.

LegacyUser

hes a very mean small minded man. in your situation, 2 adults and a child, its a little family. family income should be put in a joint account and a budget made for household expenses & bills. the rest is saved or spent whatever way ye both agree.

heavyheart

Does he realise when he asked you to marry him that marriage is for better or worse for richer for poorer ?
I take it back if im wrong ...but in his head maybe he thinks if he gives into reducing your part of the bills that he is giving in to total commitment and maybe isnt ready ? There if definitely some underlining issue here , if he has the money and he loves you then him not helping you out couldn't possibly out of stinginess, there has to be something else going on with him .....

Trinity

Only you know him and i wouldnt advise people to break up based on what people on the internet think.

We only know half the story.I can understand how you feel. I had loans/credit cards up to 40k when i met my OH, he had none!!

However i still pay my own but he would always help if i was stuck.

Is this the only problem with him? Have you tried collating your credit cards etc.


After 7 years i dont know why he is being so unreasonable, if you had only met i could understand him thinking you were out for his money or something but obviously this is not the case and he knows it.

LegacyUser

Thanks, I appreciate the male perspective particularly cos I really didn't know if it was me or not. I may just show him this thread cos he believes that all couples do things 50:50 and refuses to believe otherwise, I wonder how he thinks his mother and father got by!

No my child is from a previous relationship and he has a child that way too, he helps me and I help him and there's no problems or resentment there.

Oh no I didn't throw anything he's done back in his face, he is very very generous in other ways, as I said he pays for holidays etc but I can't always do that back but he still expects it from me. He always brings up all the things he did for me from the time we start going out always throwing it in my face about how greatful I should be instead of listening to the fact that I don't need grand gestures, I just want help on a basic level then I'll look after myself after that. That was all I meant when I said that I hadn't asked him to do any of that for me.

He tends to give me what he thinks I need and not actually listen to what I REALLY need but yet he's well able to dole out a list of things he wants from me and it usually involves me compromising myself and the person I am to give it to him but I'm prepared to do it cos I love him very much and apart from this he is great.

I just can't believe he was giving out about the amount he spent on my engagement ring, I felt I had no option but to give it back if he felt that bitter about buying it for me.

scoot on

Have to agree with other posters. A friend of mine is going out with someone for 7 years, they have a house together but are not engaged. If she buys him 20 euro credit she expects the 20 euro back. I could never understand it.
I couldn't go out with someone like that. It seems like a very old fashioned view of things to me. When I moved in with my bf I was in college, he had a full time job and paid for most of the bills. Since then I've graduated and now make a small bit more than him and we never really pay any attention to who pays for what. The mortgage is split 50/50 but besides that we share everything else depending on who happens to have more money that week.

DublinWriter

MagicMarker wrote: »

It's not a case of you pay 50:50 or 60:40, if you're living together as a family with a view to marriage then the total income coming into the house belongs to the FAMILY, it's not his or yours it belongs to both of you and all the budgeting should be calculated using this total monthly income from a joint account setup by yourselves.

+1

I read somewhere that in the UK money issues are the #1 cause of marriage breakups, as opposed to partners cheating, etc.

It's hard to get the full picture of a problem based on a one-sided description of the issue, but I don't think that 60:40 on his part is an unreasonable arrangement to ask for.

Ok, I just barely might understand his point of view if you were discussing co-habitation, but you're talking about marriage - that's just not a physical and emotional partnership, but also a fiscal one.

dresden8

To be blunt, he's a prick. After seven years he should know whether he's in or out. You should thank your lucky stars he's out.

professore

You should have sold the engagement ring and put the proceeds to your credit card bill. To the other posters, I don't get this whole 50:50 40:60 thing or whatever. You should be a team, not housemates IMHO.

MJOR

ProblemRship wrote: »

Hi

I'm in a bit of a state at the moment, first I suppose I should give some background information. Myself and my boyfriend have been engaged 6 months now. We are together 7 years, living together for 5 or 6 and last year we start having big problems basically he wouldn't commit to me and wouldn't consider me in his plans and was generally treating me badly so I had enough and broke up with him telling him why and he moved out last May. A few months later we decided to see a counsellor to see if we could work things out and it turned out to be great for us, we learned a lot and decided to give our relationship another shot, I understood what he needed from me and vice versa so at the end of the year he proposed and I was very happy but we still weren't living back together and all this time I was living alone with my child and he woguld come and stay but he had an issue that he had to deal with so I agreed that it was ok that he didn't come back just yet in order to help him with it so I continued living alone and being responsible for all the bills etc. while he stayed with me a few nights a week. I was more than prepared to make that sacrifice because I love him but I was struggling.

So fastforward to now and we are still living apart, he got his issue dealt with in April and the way was clear for us to sit down and talk about the terms of him moving back but he kept putting it off. I pinned him down on it and for the last 2 nights we were having discussions. Wednesday's chat went fine, we agreed that sometimes we'd have to compromise on things and to approach problems from the other one's point of view, all very civilised and now I was feeling very positive about us. We were looking to buy a house and were sorting out him coming to live back with me until we did this and so I did up a budget of all our bills & expenses for the year and we sat down last night and went through it.

Straight away he was asking questions about everything which he's entitled to do but it's like he didn't trust me. I basically told him that since our circumstances are different (he earns way more than me and is in the black with huge savings and doesn't have to worry about money whereas I'm just living within my means with not much to spare after I pay all my bills and I owe a fortune on my credit card which I really want to clear) that if we could do a 60:40 split on the bills for a few months to help me catch up and pay off some of my credit card and try to save a bit for our house, that I would prefer to do that. He said no way, we go 50:50 or not at all and he wasn't prepared to compromise so we had a huge fight and I walked out of his mothers house and haven't spoke to him since.

I'm so annoyed over the fact that I asked him to help me with something since he was in a better position than me, and I don't think it's unresonable to ask your partner to do this if it was reveresed I'd do it for him, and he basically made me feel like a beggar. It's even more than the money, even if he had said, right I'm prepared to pay €20 more than you a week it would have been something. He has a list as long as my arm of things he wants me to compromise on and I'm prepared to do it cos I love him but yet he couldn't do this for me. It just feels like I might as well not be engaged to him or with him at all cos if I was ever in any trouble or needed him he would only be there for me on his terms. He told me that he thinks he's 3rd in my list of priorities but I've sacrificed so much for him and he wants to be second after my child but where am I on his list based on the above? I feel so let down by him. Before I left yesterday he was throwing it in my face about how he arranged a great surprise trip for my 30th and organised a party and yes he has been very good to me and is a one for the grand gestures but I told him that I never asked for this stuff and the one thing I am asking for help with he refuses to do. His response to that was "Well I didn't see you saying no to any of it" like as if I was greedy for accepting gifts he gave me, he also mentioned the money he spent on my engagement ring so I told him if it meant that much to him, he could have it back. So he has it and I don't even want it now cos it doens't mean the same as I thought it did and I'm not sure if I want to waste my time on a relationship that makes me feel this bad yet again. I really thought we'd worked things out but no.

Please tell me if I'm being resonable or not and I really want to know, if you are in a long term committed relationship do you split things 50:50 or if your partner earns more (or you do) do you think it's fair to watch them struggle while you are able to cope better financially and could help them with no hardship?

Sorry it's so long, feels good to vent though!

Hi I feel for you being in that situation. Its incredibly difficult. I can see both sides of the arguement but really feel in this instance you're right....
I just got engaged myself a few months back .... i am feeling the pinch myself i worked in recruitment (great money) and was stressed so moved to another lower paid job. I have a mortgage (taken out before i met my intended a small one on a house i inherited)My BF lives in Dublin but always helps me out financially. not huge amounts but paying for dinner and buying stuff for the house. its his intention to move soon to Cork and we will get a joint account..... incidentally we are together 13 months engaged six.


at the end of the day you guys are hoping to builld a life together, ESB GAS need to just be paid... it shouldn't matter whether its you are him.... it needs to be paid anyway and ye should see who has the cash at the time....

you don't wanna marry a miser.....

Whispered

Going to go against the grain a bit here but I don't think it's fair to expect him to split 60:40 at all. I earn a little less than my fiance and am too in debt on my credit card and various loans. I would never expect him to help out based on MY spending, I was well able to run up my debts, it's my problem. He works his ass off for that money and it's his. We pay everything 50:50, if I'm stuck he'll give me a lend. He does treat me to nights out etc, but thats down to him deciding to, as opposed to me saying "you have to pay 60%"

Whispered

professore wrote: »

You should have sold the engagement ring and put the proceeds to your credit card bill.

Excuse me? Sell her engagement ring, that was bought through love, a representation of their future, to pay her credit card? There would be absolutely no going back after that!

dudara

To be honest, it sounds as if this man is resisting the relationship with all his might. He's piling the straws on the camel's back, hoping that one of them will break it.

Carrigart Exile

RedXIV wrote: »

Hey OP,

Probably not what you want to hear but a guy that isn't willing to comprimise like that doesn't sound like an ideal catch to me. Especially with him earning more money, he could be a bit more considerate.

If i were you i'd print out what you put up here and hand it to him. let him see it in black and white and if he's still unreasonable, it say it's time to call it a day

are you both for real, your bills have gone from 100% to 50% and still you are not happy. He sees himself as you see him, your cash cow, a lucky escape for him.

Carrigart Exile

helena.ryan wrote: »

Going to go against the grain a bit here but I don't think it's fair to expect him to split 60:40 at all. I earn a little less than my fiance and am too in debt on my credit card and various loans. I would never expect him to help out based on MY spending, I was well able to run up my debts, it's my problem. He works his ass off for that money and it's his. We pay everything 50:50, if I'm stuck he'll give me a lend. He does treat me to nights out etc, but thats down to him deciding to, as opposed to me saying "you have to pay 60%"

+1 well said, too many people looking for a free ride

Clarins

It's the original poster here, I decided to register to get things moving a bit quicker

I know it's all one sided from my point of view and I'm trying to be fair to him, he has had his issues with me, but I've made a lot of headway in sorting them out for him. So to be fair he does help me with things like he paid for half the clothes and the meal for my daughters confirmation so he's not completely mean and he bought wardrobes for our room so we'd have enough space for both our things when he moved back in, that was thrown in my face the other day as well though and I was asked why I didn't offer to pay anything towards them. Er because I'm struggling shouldering all the bills myself the last year as well as my own expenses and that of my child all while I'm supposed to be in a commited supportive relationship.

I think he thinks that his bringing me on a big holiday, spending money on my ring and helping me out every now and then is enough and while it's certainly very generous and I really do appreciate it, it's not what I really need, just what he perceives me as needing and he questioned why I accepted it, because it take it in the nature it's given, who wouldn't? I need him to help me with the very basics, the bills so I can pay off my debt and try to be on equal footing as him so when it comes to buying our house I have something to contribute, or if he wants to go on a holiday I can afford my share easily. I'm prepared to forgo the grand gestures for this.

My mother is due redundancy this year and has said she'll help me pay off half my credit card which will be a great help to me and isn't that what those closest to you do? Help you out when they are in a better position than you I'd do it for him but I can't financially as I've never been better off than him but I do it in other ways that he needs me. The reason I owe 4 grand on my credit card is due to a combination of reasons: careless spending a few years ago on my part which is my fault I know, using it for spending money on the holidays we went on and because I'm struggling so much at the moment that when I pay my minimum payment, I have to use up the credit again cos I don't have enough in my wages to cover me it's a vicious circle but I've taken steps to help myself too in that regard.

As it stands now, he has a large lump sum saved which he says is for a deposit on our house that we will buy together and I know he has worked hard for that but I want to opportunity to contribute to that too. And one of the reasons we split last year was that he wanted to buy a house without me cos I couldn't afford the deposit and I said no way I'll go it alone then, this is just the same problem in a different disguise I think.

I would never sell my engagement ring, anyway it's considered his until we marry which is why I gave it back to him but I felt I had to do that.

I just sent him an email saying more or less what I said here as I can't bear talking to him right now, I don't know if he'll see it but I just find it easier to write down how I feel rather than try to get him to hear me out through arguing.

Those of you who said that maybe he's not willing to commit to me, you could be right, I'm starting to wonder alright but why is he wasting my time?

Clarins

Carrigart Exile wrote: »

are you both for real, your bills have gone from 100% to 50% and still you are not happy. He sees himself as you see him, your cash cow, a lucky escape for him.

I'm not looking for a free ride or anything like it if I saw him as a cash cow why would I be prepared to walk away completely from him, right now being alone and coping by myself is an easier prospect than having to deal with this level of pigheadedness for the rest of my life. We've been together 7 years, if I was only after his money he'd have seen that by now. I have a job and am well able to look after myself if needs be, he decided that he wanted me back and wanted to commit to me so therefore that's what he has to do and as I said there are sacrifices that i have to make to and am more than willing to.

This is more than just about money, it's about him wanting to come high on my list of priorities yet not being prepared to put me at the top of his, double standards??? I think so...

When I think of the future and depending on him, I'm scared. I would seriously worry about (for example) us being married and me being on maternity leave and needing him to support me, this is just one example but life being life you never know what's going to come your way and if you don't have the support of your partner your well and truely fecked. Trust is not an easy thing to give especially if you've been burned by a person before.

echosound

TBH, if you're going to be a family, get married, and raise your kids (ok your child is not his, and his is not yours, but they'll both be your stepchildren once you get married) than whatever money comes in should go to covering the family expenses. What happens if one of you loses your job when your'e married? half the mortgage repayment goes unpaid as one of you refuses to cover the other person's "half"? Or one of your children has to wear worn clothes and go without new shoes or whatever, while the other gets anything they ask for and more?

I've been married for about 3 yrs now, and from day one when we first started going out, all money was pooled as it was seen as "our" money not "mine and yours". There have been times where I have been the higher earner, or indeed the sole earner, and also vice versa. It's never been an issue. I don't understand this whole "I paid 100 quid for the ESB bill, you need to pay me back 50". Any money that comes in goes into a joint account and everything is paid from that - doesn't matter who's work and effort got that money into the account in the first place, it's there for the benefit of the family.

People grousing about money and insisting on keeping tabs,making notes and records of who paid for what, and splitting everything 50/50 no matter what the circumstances sets alarm bells ringing for me. The point you raise about maternity leave is important - you would be having his child, yet he would not be willing to support you through this -it's only through biology that you would by necessity be the one to leave work for a while rather than him; the baby would be created by both of you.

I actually know a married couple where they are strictly 50-50, so if one of them runs out of money before payday, the unlucky person has to stay in while their OH goes out, and even to the point of food - the broke one will have to make do with bread and pasta, while the other will order takeaway and booze, and sit eating it in front of them. Beggars belief. I'd think long and hard before committing myself to a relationship like that.

marti101

If its a partnership it should be 50-50 saying that if one of yous was stuck the other should help out.I know only to well in the same boat myself they want 50-50 when it suits them if he was stuck he wouldnt mind the 40-60.But in the case of loans credit cards something YOU ran up it should be up to you to clear and not your dp.Do you get maintenence if not could you try maybe that would lessen the burden for you both

Clarins

Well all I can say is that everyone has their dealbreakers, this is mine. If he's not willing to put me first then how can I do that for him, I think it goes deeper than just the money.

About the credit card, yes, it is my problem but I'm not asking him to clear it for me, I've changed it over to a 0% interest card, am prepared to cut it up and not use it and just pay off as much as I can plus my mother is paying half (the reason being that she thinks my OH should be helping me with the other half) so I should be ok with that. What I really want to do is have money to contribute to the savings of our house.

Although I'm probably caught either way if he helps me by contributing more to the bills he'll throw that in my face and if I try to manage myself and let him build up his savings for our deposit, that will get thrown in my face too. I can't win.

akamossy

I hate when relationships start failing because of money.. its hard going but i do believe that the man in this relationship is being slightly unreasonable and the OP is only asking him to help her out until she gets back on her feel money wise. Compromise is always the key in a relationship and if the man wants to/intends to marry her then he really does need to get it into his head that it's a two way thing and it's not always as clear cut as 50/50.

**magnolia**

i have been in a similar situation and it was the end of the relationship because I thought there was more to life than arguing about how bills etc should be split. For the record in my position, both of us at different times earned more and when I earned more he got angry if I didnt stay in with him even if I offered to pay for his night out and then when he earned more he went out and went mad if I suggested he pay for me so I couldnt win. Once I spoke to my friends and realised that most of their good relationships were based on sharing everything and didnt have these issues I left.
BTW an engagement ring is given as a token of someone really wanting to marry you and shouldnt be something that you can be made feel beholden to that person for or guilty about, that ruins the whole point of it!

mags16

I really sympathise with your situation, Clarins. But in a way, I can undestand someone not wanting to help pay off a credit card bill. He obviously has a very different approach to money than you.

I am in the earlyish stages of a relationship with a guy who spends money like it is going out of fashion. I am very careful with money and never have to pay a cent interest to the credit card company. I wonder how I would feel about helping my OH with his credit card bill . If we eventually were to move in together, would I be financially worse off because I would be subsidising his spending? Luckily that scenario is a long way off but it is something I think about. I don't think I'd want to go 60:40 on the bills.

I'd love to know how all you couples out there deal with the finances.

greatgoal

listen,its supposed to be a partnership based on love,50/50 down the line,if this bills and money is an issue with him,then forget about him,hes not committed to you at all,youre going to be under scrutiny ,all the time,there should be no argument,this is not a 50/50 financial agreement,this i s supposed to be a 100% commitment ,on both your parts,love and loyalty but as far as i can see the two of you are going to spend the rest of youre lives trying to get 1 up on the other,forget about it and move on.

mags16

Just a thought. You would like him to pay 60% of the household bills so you can pay off you cc bill. This is so you can start off on an equal footing. Essentially he would be paying 20% more on household expenses to to facilitate your credit card payments. Does that not mean he is paying part of your cc bill? So how on earth can you be starting off on an equal footing.

OP, you say this is deeper than money. That he mustn't put you first if won't help with your credit card bill. He might not think that way. It might be just about money to him and not connected to how he feels about you.

OP, if I were you, I would try to pay off my bills on my own. With no-one's help. Not even my mother's. Only then will you be starting off on an equal footing. And you'll have the satisfaction of knowing that you did it yourself. And you would be unlikely to run them up again.

Big_Mac

OP, I see two possible scenarios here.
1) He really does love you and you are high on the list of his priorities, but for some reason or another he cannot see what he is doing. Remember, us men can wander through life aimlessly for a long time not realising what we are doing until someone puts us straight. Its a possible situation but not likely. Maybe showing your writings on this thread might help. He may not realise how dire things are for you. I can appreciate how he may feel. I used to think also that the grand gestures are the important things. I know better now, but I had some confusing times then also.

2) He doesn't love you. You are together a matter of convenience for him, it suits him and maybe moving in will suit him too. Remember you did say that you do a lot of things for him. He has his own money which he wants to keep, and notwithstanding anything else he wants to have it for himself
. If this is the case, you will proabably know this already.

Your heart can do foolish things to you and oftentimes confuses what your head should be thinking.

As a last suggestion, maybe returning to counselling might help?

RedXIV

Carrigart Exile wrote: »

are you both for real, your bills have gone from 100% to 50% and still you are not happy. He sees himself as you see him, your cash cow, a lucky escape for him.

*Shrug* thats the way you read it, who am i to tell you how to think.

If i was in a relationship with someone that needed a helping hand to get their finances in order, i'd have no problem helping them. It's only money. Money doesn't buy happiness. Don't get me wrong, i've two jobs just to make sure i always have enough cash, but i'd never feel that money should dictate how things work in a relationship.

Clarins

Big_Mac wrote: »

OP, I see two possible scenarios here.
1) He really does love you and you are high on the list of his priorities, but for some reason or another he cannot see what he is doing. Remember, us men can wander through life aimlessly for a long time not realising what we are doing until someone puts us straight. Its a possible situation but not likely. Maybe showing your writings on this thread might help. He may not realise how dire things are for you. I can appreciate how he may feel. I used to think also that the grand gestures are the important things. I know better now, but I had some confusing times then also.

2) He doesn't love you. You are together a matter of convenience for him, it suits him and maybe moving in will suit him too. Remember you did say that you do a lot of things for him. He has his own money which he wants to keep, and notwithstanding anything else he wants to have it for himself
. If this is the case, you will proabably know this already.

Your heart can do foolish things to you and oftentimes confuses what your head should be thinking.

As a last suggestion, maybe returning to counselling might help?

Bigmac, you may be right on your first point, he's had problems seeing how his actions might make me unhappy in the past and instead of trying to see my point of view he chooses to dig the heels in and it turns into a power struggle. I don't normally fight my corner unless I really believe in what I'm saying and in this case I really do. I don't know how to get him to see reason apart from (as you suggest) printing this out or emailing it to him.

No it's not convenience it's because he loves me, I know he does. And I love him I just feel really upset about the whole thing. I do things for him but nothing that he wouldn't & doesn't do back for me most of the time, he's very domesicated and a bit more anal than me (which is where I agreed to pull up my socks!) so it's not that.

Yes you're right about the counselling, I suggested it to him in the email I sent him, as I said it did us a world of good. We both learned stuff about each other from it but I felt that there was a lot more there to be dealt with and so for that reason I'd have no hesitation in going back.

Clarins

your bills have gone from 100% to 50% and still you are not happy.

Yeah, just on this point, that's EXACTLY what he said to me "sure I'll be halving your bills so you'll be better off" but that's not how I see it. First off, they are not MY bills they're OURS and he's still not taking my personal situation into consideration so I'm not happy with this arrangement cos he's still leaving me to shoulder a disproportionate amount of burden while he can well afford to help me with no hardship to himself.

He won't make that sacrifice for me, that's what it boils down to.

LoanShark

helena.ryan wrote: »

Going to go against the grain a bit here but I don't think it's fair to expect him to split 60:40 at all. I earn a little less than my fiance and am too in debt on my credit card and various loans. I would never expect him to help out based on MY spending, I was well able to run up my debts, it's my problem. He works his ass off for that money and it's his. We pay everything 50:50, if I'm stuck he'll give me a lend. He does treat me to nights out etc, but thats down to him deciding to, as opposed to me saying "you have to pay 60%"

Totally Agree!! 50/50 is better than a kick in the pants.

Carrigart Exile

Clarins wrote: »

I'm not looking for a free ride or anything like it if I saw him as a cash cow why would I be prepared to walk away completely from him, right now being alone and coping by myself is an easier prospect than having to deal with this level of pigheadedness for the rest of my life. We've been together 7 years, if I was only after his money he'd have seen that by now. I have a job and am well able to look after myself if needs be, he decided that he wanted me back and wanted to commit to me so therefore that's what he has to do and as I said there are sacrifices that i have to make to and am more than willing to.

This is more than just about money, it's about him wanting to come high on my list of priorities yet not being prepared to put me at the top of his, double standards??? I think so...

When I think of the future and depending on him, I'm scared. I would seriously worry about (for example) us being married and me being on maternity leave and needing him to support me, this is just one example but life being life you never know what's going to come your way and if you don't have the support of your partner your well and truely fecked. Trust is not an easy thing to give especially if you've been burned by a person before.

You appear to be judging where you are in his priority list by how much money he is prepared to give you. You are asking him to trust you financially whilst you have a stonking credit card bill and he has a substantial lump sum of savings which you appear to be coveting. You aeem to be measuring 'family support' by whether they will bail you out of the trouble you have gotten yourself into financially. I am sorry if this is miles off the mark but it is certainly how it comes across to me.

The Sweeper

OP it depends entirely on the nature of the relationship. In your case, this is more than boyfriend and girlfriend. This is supposed to be a family with two kids heading towards marriage. You cannot bring a 50/50 financial split into a marriage, because it is simply not sustainable.

My husband and I started off our relationship with everything 50/50. We had two joint accounts and two personal accounts. One joint was bills, the other was spending. We'd get paid into our personal accounts and then transfer money over to go 50/50 into the bills and spending accounts. The joint spending account covered groceries, takeaways, beer money and so on.

These days, it's all just our money. I do all of our budgets - what we can spend on this, what we can spend on that, how much we have to have for our bills. On big expenditure, we discuss it. Can I buy a PS3? Can I buy a set of bookshelves? And both of us have the sense not to say no to each other unless it's an unreasonable expense. ("Can I get a set of leather seats for the car?" "No, that's a total waste of money." "Can I buy a set of Le Creuset pans?" "You have more kitchen stuff than I have hot dinners. Literally.")

If you have very uneven incomes, you will always end up putting money on your credit card in an effort to keep up with your joint standard of living, and suddenly you'll have a €2000 balance that's come from €100 on this month and €200 that month, and suddenly you're paying interest on nothing expenses, useless, wasted expenditure buying him dinner one night to 'be nice' or whatever.

The 'my money your money' thing can be very destructive when your relationship becomes more serious. Seamlessing merging your finances can actually make things easier because you can then stick your nose into your partner's spending - when it's "our" money, you have a right to see where it's being spent! I mean that in the nicest possible way. My husband curbs my kitchen gadget spending, I curb his spending on "car stuff".

We only got to this point when life forced us to - we moved to Australia, he was unemployed, then I lost one of my self-employment contracts - in order to meet our bills, each of us simply had to pay whatever we had, every last cent of it, to keep our heads above water. Now our working situation has resolved itself and we're both making money again, but we've kept the joint approach going and it actually means far fewer disagreements over money.

The upshot is this - if your husband to be is throwing things he has bought for you in your face, and disagreeing on spending, you have the right to be upset about it because of the stage your relationship is at.

However, if you want to merge finances with someone, understand that they then get the right to be very involved in how you earn and spend your money. You need to be capable of a lot of compromise, both of you, in order for it to work. And it sounds like, for all of seven years, compromise has always been a problem for you as a couple. That would be more of a worry to me than the money.

MagicMarker

Sorry to bring this from another thread, but i think it's rather significant.

Taken from this thread.

Clarins wrote: »

OP I had this problem with my boyfriend 2 years ago. He was going to buy his own house and actually had done it behind my back. I was extremely hurt at that when I found out and saw it as a betrayal and split up with him a year later over it by which time he saw sense and pulled out of the sale.

OP, from this it seems you practically forced your BF from buying his own house... Now, 2 years later you're expecting him to move in with you and pay the majority of the expenses. From his point of view, if it weren't for you he would have his own house ffs! I can kind of understand why he's demanding everything to be split 50:50, and in light of recent discoveries, why the hell shouldn't he? I would feel a touch of resentment if i were in his shoes. What you did was a completely self absorbed tbh.

dixiefly

I am 18 years married and I have to say that this is NOT the way to have a relationship . I know you are not married but you have your own place and areengaged. This should be a no brainer - the level of trust should be such that what is yours is his and vice versa. I have NO IDEA what percentage me and my wife contribute to the finances in our family.
Believe me, there are so many other things that crop up in a marriage that are the causes of friction and rows that you do not need to have a basic issue such as this happening.

I am really sorry to say it as you love him and he seems to have a good job etc. but you are better off rid of him and hopefully getting a guy who is maybe not as well off but who treats you as an EQUAL.

Clarins

MagicMarker wrote: »

Sorry to bring this from another thread, but i think it's rather significant.

Taken from this thread.



OP, from this it seems you practically forced your BF from buying his own house... Now, 2 years later you're expecting him to move in with you and pay the majority of the expenses. From his point of view, if it weren't for you he would have his own house ffs! I can kind of understand why he's demanding everything to be split 50:50, and in light of recent discoveries, why the hell shouldn't he? I would feel a touch of resentment if i were in his shoes. What you did was a completely self absorbed tbh.

Sorry but you're way off the mark there mate. I never "forced " him to do anything. He now acknowledges that what he did was wrong. If you must find this relevant heres the full story: He went behind my back and purchased a house, spoke to his family about it and they advising him while I was going around like a clueless idiot investing myself in a long term relationship where he wasn't planning a future for "Us" but for himself. Now that's self absorbed, and deceitful, and hurtful and a long list of other things that make me feel really bad & resentful when I think about it.

When I found out I was well pissed off but against my better judgement decided to stay with him for a year before, like I said, it was a contributing factor to us breaking up last year. By this time he had pulled out of the sale but not because I was upset. Because house prices were going down and economically it would have been a terrible time for him to buy but he told me it was because he was taking my feelings into consideration :rolleyes:

Anyway I wanted him to either consider me in his future or I'd go off and make my own opportunities as a single person which included buying an affordable house. I was recently offered a 2 bed apartment on the affordable housing, but turned it down cos it wasn't what we needed as a family, me my OH and our two children. I make sacrifices too.

Clarins

Just a thought. You would like him to pay 60% of the household bills so you can pay off you cc bill. This is so you can start off on an equal footing. Essentially he would be paying 20% more on household expenses to to facilitate your credit card payments. Does that not mean he is paying part of your cc bill? So how on earth can you be starting off on an equal footing.

OP, you say this is deeper than money. That he mustn't put you first if won't help with your credit card bill. He might not think that way. It might be just about money to him and not connected to how he feels about you.

OP, if I were you, I would try to pay off my bills on my own. With no-one's help. Not even my mother's. Only then will you be starting off on an equal footing. And you'll have the satisfaction of knowing that you did it yourself. And you would be unlikely to run them up again.

It means he (along with myself and my mother) is helping me become debt free so that I can start afresh and be able to contribute to the cost of us setting up home together, getting married and eventually having children. These goals are not exactly selfish reasons, I want to be able to plan for OUR future and I don't think it's unreasonable to ask him to help me with that when this all benefits him too, it should be a no brainer for him. He needed to use a lot of money for the issue I mentioned earlier (it's his personal business so I don't want to get into it here) and I had agreed to live on my own and it was assumed that I carry the burden of the bills myself while he did this for 8 months.

I was not in a position to help him finanically but if I could have, I certainly would have, without question he would have deserved it after being so good to me. It was a lot of money for him to pay but he could afford it and he could have taken money from his savings but he chose to save it from his weekly wages and I respected that meant money was tight for him, I hadn't 2 pennies to rub together and was struggling but I put that aside and realised the best way I could support him was by not putting pressure on him to come back to me. Although I did think that if we hadn't split up and had been living together, he would have had to deal with that as well as our own costs then too and I doubt he'd have told me he was moving back to his mothers so he could save then. I suppose what I'm saying is that I worry whether it was him stalling on coming back for reasons only known to him, but I have to take him at his word.

About the credit card, yes you're probably right, in an ideal world I should pay my own debt but since I only have enough to make the minimum payment and then I need to spend that amount again every month, it would take me 20 years or more to pay it off (I checked! ) And while I don't BLAME him for my debt having to do the above also contributed to me having to depend on it a lot more every month to supplement my wage and he never had any problem telling me to book those flights or cinemas tickets or whatever on my credit card if it suited him. If OH came back and we were doing the 50:50 thing, I'd be able to pay a bit more off it yes, but it would still take me a long time and I'd have nothing to save for our house and future and I don't think it's wrong of me to ask for that when it means so much to me to be able to do that.

As for my mother helping me well, she's my mother, she's going to come into near €100,000 I'm her only child so she wants to help me, I'm not going to refuse that but she offered and I would never have asked her for anything. Actually when we heard she was being made redundant, OH was asking how much did he think she'd give me, he was saying oh, if she gets a lot €20 grand would be a fair amount to give you and you'd deserve it and you should ask her what she's going to give you (I was never going to do that, no way), I wasn't being that presumtious but I made it clear that if she did give me a large amount it would go towards our house & wedding, it would be for us he never questioned that and that's not what she's doing now and I'm fine with that but if she did or if I ever came into a large amount of money I would be thinking US and not me.

tinkerbell

It's not good to fight over bills / money but I'm sure at some point or another it happens to all couples, money can cause rows and so to avoid this if you are not married then you need to split stuff equally.

You cannot expect your boyfriend to pay more of the bills than you because you want to clear your credit card due to your spending. You need to take responsibility for it. What if you weren't with your boyfriend? You'd still have 100% of the bills to pay PLUS your credit card.

If it's gonna take you 20 yrs to clear your €4k credit card debt then I think you're gonna have to get a second job. If you can only afford min payments now there's only so much "no interest" periods on cc cards, I doubt you can just keep switching between different companies, you will run out of companies to switch to, so you will have to pay interest eventually!

You could ask him for a small loan to pay off part of your CC card and then set up a standing order on your bank account to repay him back bit by bit over a year or something. Then though you have to show him that he can trust you totally that you will pay him back.

About the holidays n stuff, just tell him you are not in a position to go on holidays when you are struggling financially.

Anyway, good luck.

littlebug

tinkerbell wrote: »

It's not good to fight over bills / money but I'm sure at some point or another it happens to all couples, money can cause rows and so to avoid this if you are not married then you need to split stuff equally.

You cannot expect your boyfriend to pay more of the bills than you because you want to clear your credit card due to your spending. You need to take responsibility for it. What if you weren't with your boyfriend? You'd still have 100% of the bills to pay PLUS your credit card.

If it's gonna take you 20 yrs to clear your €4k credit card debt then I think you're gonna have to get a second job. If you can only afford min payments now there's only so much "no interest" periods on cc cards, I doubt you can just keep switching between different companies, you will run out of companies to switch to, so you will have to pay interest eventually!

You could ask him for a small loan to pay off part of your CC card and then set up a standing order on your bank account to repay him back bit by bit over a year or something. Then though you have to show him that he can trust you totally that you will pay him back.

About the holidays n stuff, just tell him you are not in a position to go on holidays when you are struggling financially.

Anyway, good luck.

+1 good advice there.
I've been with my husband for 10 years and at this stage while all the money is "ours" we each have our own bank accounts. If one of the accounts is getting low we move some money over from the other one. If one of us wants to buy something expensive just for ourselves it is discussed first. However we're both reasonably careful with money and don't let the cc bills build up so it works well. But, If he was to run up a huge bill for no good reason I'd be pretty pissed off at him and wouldn't be entirely happy for my hard earned money to be paying for his foolishness.

I suspect it's not the 60:40 split that has put him off but the fact that he is being asked to pay for debts you ran up by yourself. I know I know you were on your own paying bills etc but some careful thought and planning and advice (MABS?) and this situation may not have arisen.

I would suggest that you get some advice from MABS and work out a plan to pay back your bill yourself, even if it is a 20 year plan. If he sees that you are putting the work into sorting it out yourself rather than expecting other people to bail you out he might actually be more inclined to help.

I also suggest you stop thinking about cutting up your cc, just cut it up NOW! Shop carefully and explain to him why you are doing so and that you can't justify spending on holidays, meals out etc until you have your debt sorted. He may be more inclined to agree to the 60:40 eventually if he sees you taking responsibility.

CathyMoran

I think that there should be a joint pool of money for the two of you. I know that that is easier said than done but you two are supposed to be committed for life. My husband married me when I was very ill and for a while my wages went down to almost nothing but he supported me, he even paid for holidays together which really helped me to get better. If we had been 50:50 that would have never have happened. I happened to come into some money and as he had some debts (which I consider to be our debts) I gave him the money and told him to put it towards a holiday for us rather than pay it back, but if he does not I do not mind. It is all about give and take and if you can not give and take now then you do not have a strong basis for a relationship.

littlebug

CathyMoran wrote: »

I think that there should be a joint pool of money for the two of you. I know that that is easier said than done but you two are supposed to be committed for life. My husband married me when I was very ill and for a while my wages went down to almost nothing but he supported me, he even paid for holidays together which really helped me to get better. If we had been 50:50 that would have never have happened. I happened to come into some money and as he had some debts (which I consider to be our debts) I gave him the money and told him to put it towards a holiday for us rather than pay it back, but if he does not I do not mind. It is all about give and take and if you can not give and take now then you do not have a strong basis for a relationship.

You are right Cathymoran but I think these things "usually" tend to happen naturally over time. When we met I had more money/ car etc so I tended to pay for weekends away/ meals out etc. over the years that situation has changed many times. We never contributed towards each others bills until we were living together. Now with kiddies and me working part time he pays way more than I do but none of it matters... all financial decisions are joint.

However I think the OP and her boyfriend have got off to a bad start in that the 60:40 suggestion was hers and not a joint one made from both of them looking at their financial situation. If all the financial requirements were laid out on the table, including the cc bill and a joint solution decided upon the outcome might have been different.

In other words work it so that he suggests the 60:40 split all by himself and thinks it was his idea:p (joking)

I pinned him down on it and for the last 2 nights we were having discussions. Wednesday's chat went fine, we agreed that sometimes we'd have to compromise on things and to approach problems from the other one's point of view, all very civilised and now I was feeling very positive about us. We were looking to buy a house and were sorting out him coming to live back with me until we did this and so I did up a budget of all our bills & expenses for the year and we sat down last night and went through it.

Straight away he was asking questions about everything which he's entitled to do but it's like he didn't trust me. I basically told him that since our circumstances are different (he earns way more than me and is in the black with huge savings and doesn't have to worry about money whereas I'm just living within my means with not much to spare after I pay all my bills and I owe a fortune on my credit card which I really want to clear) that if we could do a 60:40 split on the bills for a few months to help me catch up and pay off some of my credit card and try to save a bit for our house, that I would prefer to do that.

CathyMoran

I agree, and it is not easy to accept that someone is helping you out, I wanted to pay back the money he was spending on me when I was ill but he refused! When we first met he was the poor student and I was a postgrad (I know, baby steeler!) and I spoiled him as much as possible. It is only in the past few months that we have really got our act of sharing together and we are together over 10.5 years. I still like the idea of having a small amount of money that I can call my own (but I always spend it on him!) If the idea comes from him it will be far farer, I would never have been so blatent about suggesting that sort of split with my hubby. We have discussed though when we hope to have a baby next year that I will be working a lot less and he has no trouble with that. Communication seems to be key here.

Kazobel

ProblemRship wrote: »

Hi

I'm in a bit of a state at the moment, first I suppose I should give some background information. Myself and my boyfriend have been engaged 6 months now. We are together 7 years, living together for 5 or 6 and last year we start having big problems basically he wouldn't commit to me and wouldn't consider me in his plans and was generally treating me badly so I had enough and broke up with him telling him why and he moved out last May. A few months later we decided to see a counsellor to see if we could work things out and it turned out to be great for us, we learned a lot and decided to give our relationship another shot, I understood what he needed from me and vice versa so at the end of the year he proposed and I was very happy but we still weren't living back together and all this time I was living alone with my child and he woguld come and stay but he had an issue that he had to deal with so I agreed that it was ok that he didn't come back just yet in order to help him with it so I continued living alone and being responsible for all the bills etc. while he stayed with me a few nights a week. I was more than prepared to make that sacrifice because I love him but I was struggling.

So fastforward to now and we are still living apart, he got his issue dealt with in April and the way was clear for us to sit down and talk about the terms of him moving back but he kept putting it off. I pinned him down on it and for the last 2 nights we were having discussions. Wednesday's chat went fine, we agreed that sometimes we'd have to compromise on things and to approach problems from the other one's point of view, all very civilised and now I was feeling very positive about us. We were looking to buy a house and were sorting out him coming to live back with me until we did this and so I did up a budget of all our bills & expenses for the year and we sat down last night and went through it.

Straight away he was asking questions about everything which he's entitled to do but it's like he didn't trust me. I basically told him that since our circumstances are different (he earns way more than me and is in the black with huge savings and doesn't have to worry about money whereas I'm just living within my means with not much to spare after I pay all my bills and I owe a fortune on my credit card which I really want to clear) that if we could do a 60:40 split on the bills for a few months to help me catch up and pay off some of my credit card and try to save a bit for our house, that I would prefer to do that. He said no way, we go 50:50 or not at all and he wasn't prepared to compromise so we had a huge fight and I walked out of his mothers house and haven't spoke to him since.

I'm so annoyed over the fact that I asked him to help me with something since he was in a better position than me, and I don't think it's unresonable to ask your partner to do this if it was reveresed I'd do it for him, and he basically made me feel like a beggar. It's even more than the money, even if he had said, right I'm prepared to pay €20 more than you a week it would have been something. He has a list as long as my arm of things he wants me to compromise on and I'm prepared to do it cos I love him but yet he couldn't do this for me. It just feels like I might as well not be engaged to him or with him at all cos if I was ever in any trouble or needed him he would only be there for me on his terms. He told me that he thinks he's 3rd in my list of priorities but I've sacrificed so much for him and he wants to be second after my child but where am I on his list based on the above? I feel so let down by him. Before I left yesterday he was throwing it in my face about how he arranged a great surprise trip for my 30th and organised a party and yes he has been very good to me and is a one for the grand gestures but I told him that I never asked for this stuff and the one thing I am asking for help with he refuses to do. His response to that was "Well I didn't see you saying no to any of it" like as if I was greedy for accepting gifts he gave me, he also mentioned the money he spent on my engagement ring so I told him if it meant that much to him, he could have it back. So he has it and I don't even want it now cos it doens't mean the same as I thought it did and I'm not sure if I want to waste my time on a relationship that makes me feel this bad yet again. I really thought we'd worked things out but no.

Please tell me if I'm being resonable or not and I really want to know, if you are in a long term committed relationship do you split things 50:50 or if your partner earns more (or you do) do you think it's fair to watch them struggle while you are able to cope better financially and could help them with no hardship?

Sorry it's so long, feels good to vent though!

I'm totally with you on this, I always thought engagement (failing a breakup) was a prerequisite to marriage, in that case 50/50, 60/40 etc becomes irrelevant, as was already said the money becomes THE FAMILY'S. It doesn't give you the right to walk all over him and use him but nor does it give him the right to treat you like you are doing that. The grand gestures are just that, grand gestures. He likes the feeling of knowing he can spend alot and everyone can see (big bling ring, holidays etc) and you're soooo appreciative and constantly tell and show him how great he is whereas paying off a bill or two (that would probably cost less than the gestures) wouldn't be as visual, others wouldn't know and that's what he needs, others to know. He sounds like he has a few self esteem issues tbh and thinks money is buying your loyality. I bet when things were good he bought you random stuff for no reason and then went on and on about it (probably made up a little joke about it that would "randomly" come up every now and again?) but ignored your more important "Roof over your head" issues, it's self esteem, trust me.

You could try sitting him down and saying "Listen forget the things, what I could really do with is a dig out with this bill this month" but it rarely works in cases like this. He doesn't want to help with the bills, as I said no one sees that and he needs people to see it so the best thing to do is this, don't accept anything anymore, no matter what just say no thanks. It'll make no difference since he's not helping you anyway, become distant i.e. look after you and your child first, you're right for him to be third on your list after your baby and you, your baby comes first, you look after your baby so you come second so third should be where he comes and don't forget there's alot of guys that would be happy with that place. If you really do love him then still accept nothing thats an object but let him know you love him but for now things aren't what you need from him, what you need is the support of a family. He'll see he can't buy you and hopefully cop on that it's more than just that.

Carrigart Exile

Clarins wrote: »

Yeah, just on this point, that's EXACTLY what he said to me "sure I'll be halving your bills so you'll be better off" but that's not how I see it. First off, they are not MY bills they're OURS and he's still not taking my personal situation into consideration so I'm not happy with this arrangement cos he's still leaving me to shoulder a disproportionate amount of burden while he can well afford to help me with no hardship to himself.

He won't make that sacrifice for me, that's what it boils down to.

very selfish point of view imo

Clarins

littlebug wrote: »

+1 good advice there.
I suspect it's not the 60:40 split that has put him off but the fact that he is being asked to pay for debts you ran up by yourself. I know I know you were on your own paying bills etc but some careful thought and planning and advice (MABS?) and this situation may not have arisen.

I would suggest that you get some advice from MABS and work out a plan to pay back your bill yourself, even if it is a 20 year plan. If he sees that you are putting the work into sorting it out yourself rather than expecting other people to bail you out he might actually be more inclined to help.

I also suggest you stop thinking about cutting up your cc, just cut it up NOW! Shop carefully and explain to him why you are doing so and that you can't justify spending on holidays, meals out etc until you have your debt sorted. He may be more inclined to agree to the 60:40 eventually if he sees you taking responsibility.

Ok, I will reluctantly admit to that making sense and being good advice!

He rang me earlier and first we had a screaming match then we took a breather, calmed down and agreed to try see things from the others Point of view. Turns out (when we stopped blaming each other & started actually listening) that as you say littlebug he was reluctant to pay my debt since I ran it up myself and I suppose if I stop being stubborn and really think about it, that is fair enough. I agreed that I needed to take responsibility for it myself and he said once he sees me doing that he will help me out in a way that we have still to sit down and decide. I've been quite upset since this happened and I suppose I mistook his reluctance to help me out personally and as a sign that he'd never be there for me if I needed him etc. I was afraid that if I was ever really vulnerable he'd let me down but he reassured me that he wouldn't so seems silly now.

I suppose that now what I need to do is tighten my belt and not go on any breaks, stay in for a while etc. I have already taken steps to get the card paid by changing to 0% interest rate and I have an appointment with my boss this month to negotiate a pay rise since I never got a proper one when I was promoted last year and have more experience now. So positve result all round I suppose and we're not fighting any more.

I still hold some of my views but now that it's open for discussion & compromise I am more than happy and am positive that we can sort things out.

Only problem I have now is that I've booked a trip to Las Vegas at the end of the year for his 30th I didn't say before cos I was going to show him this thread and didn't want him to know but now I'm not showing it to him. Thing is he really deserves it, as I said he's so good & thoughtful but I just CANNOT manage another big holiday I'm paying my fare and his mother & father are paying his as a present from them, I'm arranging his party & also paying for a Grand Canyon tour that I know he wants to do. Help! I really want to do this for him but at this rate my CC will never be paid should I just suck it up and do this for him or should I pay for one of the fare's and let a mate go with him, it's just it's his 30th and I would like to be the one to spend it with him. What will I do??

MagicMarker

Clarins wrote: »

Only problem I have now is that I've booked a trip to Las Vegas at the end of the year for his 30th I didn't say before cos I was going to show him this thread and didn't want him to know but now I'm not showing it to him. Thing is he really deserves it, as I said he's so good & thoughtful but I just CANNOT manage another big holiday I'm paying my fare and his mother & father are paying his as a present from them, I'm arranging his party & also paying for a Grand Canyon tour that I know he wants to do. Help! I really want to do this for him but at this rate my CC will never be paid should I just suck it up and do this for him or should I pay for one of the fare's and let a mate go with him, it's just it's his 30th and I would like to be the one to spend it with him. What will I do??

Sorry to be so blunt, but don't be such an idiot! You do not have the means to pay any of this, so don't. It's stupidity of the highest order. You have a child FFS! Why put yourself in more debt? And stop getting your parents to pay for stuff!

I think the first thing you need to learn is how to manage your finances.

CathyMoran

Also being blunt (sorry) - at the moment you do not have a relationship so you should not be saving up for a trip for his 30th. You do not know what will happen in the interim but at the moment you two are not in a good place. I was in no mans land for both mine and my husbands 30th - we made up for it later but it was touch and go and I would not have dreamed of making plans at that time. Also, how will he feel about you getting further into debt?

Edit: Sorry, I should have worded that better, but if you look at things you two are not in the best place at the moment. Wait until you sort things out before you start saving for his 30th birthday present. I really do hope that you work things out.

Kazobel

Clarins wrote: »

Only problem I have now is that I've booked a trip to Las Vegas at the end of the year for his 30th I didn't say before cos I was going to show him this thread and didn't want him to know but now I'm not showing it to him. Thing is he really deserves it, as I said he's so good & thoughtful but I just CANNOT manage another big holiday I'm paying my fare and his mother & father are paying his as a present from them, I'm arranging his party & also paying for a Grand Canyon tour that I know he wants to do. Help! I really want to do this for him but at this rate my CC will never be paid should I just suck it up and do this for him or should I pay for one of the fare's and let a mate go with him, it's just it's his 30th and I would like to be the one to spend it with him. What will I do??

Dear lord, for the first time ever, I retract my previous post and admit I was wrong, it's all your fault OP, stop spending money based on the assumtion that he'll bale you out because that's what you're doing, you convieniently left out your spending addiction in your first post and made it sound like he was in the wrong and the minute you got validated for it started going on about more debts you plan to run up and him to pay for, you may claim it's your bill but in the end it'll be his, wanna know what he'd like for his 30th? a clean slate and you actually making an effort instead of expecting him to carry you for the rest of your life.