My hubbie and drugs.

Irongirl

Hi all,

I'm not a boards regular but needed some neutral, anonymous advice and thought it was a good place to come for same.

I've been with my husband for five years, married for one. About a year ago a friend of his let it slip that they had 'done more drugs than he would have thought possible' at a stags they had both been at the weekend before. My husband didn't bat an eyelid at this and when I asked him about it afterwards he said he presumed I knew he did drugs.

I knew that he had been a bit of a wild teenager, and even up to when I met him he still dabbled, but I suppose since he never told me of doing drugs after we met I just presumed it was in the past. He said he never hid it from me, he just didn't mention it. He lied about it once, and he doesn't know why and felt really bad about it.

We came to an understanding that he could do what he wanted but he wasn't to lie to me again. I insisted that was the only problem I had with the situation. And I was convinced myself that it was.

I wouldn't have thought of myself as 'anti-drugs' to be honest. Growing up, all around me were doing e and speed and I just said 'no, thank you' and had as much fun as the rest of them. I wasn't bothered by the fact that everyone else was high, I never really thought about it I suppose.

However, this thing with my husband is really bothering me. Tonight is only the second time in the last year that he has told me he's been doing coke and I've been hiding how much it is p1ssing me off.

Should I be laying down the law and telling him what to do? I really don't want to have that kind of relationship. Or should I let him know how much it bothers me and have him hide it again? Or is it just something I'll have to come to terms with?

All opinions very much appreciated.

jesus_thats_gre

I have very strong feelings about drugs so I might seem somewhat harsh. I can understand why weak minded kids end up getting involved in it but I just cannot comprehend why an apparently mature man would bother with something like coke or whatever.

My immediate response is that he is a complete fool but sure meh..

Piste

Well it's not your place to tell him what he can and cannot do, all you can really do is let him know how much you dislike it and much it troubles you, and hopefully for your sake he will cut back.

PeakOutput

jesus_thats_gre wrote: »

I have very strong feelings about drugs so I might seem somewhat harsh. I can understand why weak minded kids end up getting involved in it but I just cannot comprehend why an apparently mature man would bother with something like coke or whatever.

My immediate response is that he is a complete fool but sure meh..

hav u tried them

jesus_thats_gre

PeakOutput wrote: »

hav u tried them

Your point?






To elaborate on my first post. I find the fact that you did not know that he has been a regularish drug user throughout what I assume to be past 5 years to be somewhat strange. I assume that he knows you are not a fan of drug use? Speaking personally, if I had such a distaste for something, I wouldn't get involved with them in the first place, never mind go out with for a few years and then marry them.

FruitLover

Irongirl wrote: »

Should I be laying down the law and telling him what to do?

No - you're not his mammy (I hope!), so don't go making demands. You do have a right to let him know you're pissed off though. Hopefully he'll take your concern on board and make an effort to cut down or knock it on the head.

jesus_thats_gre wrote: »

I can understand why weak minded kids end up getting involved in it but I just cannot comprehend why an apparently mature man would bother with something like coke or whatever.

I bet you have no problem with a few scoops though, eh?

jesus_thats_gre

^^ lol

I see where this is going now..

I don't have a problem with someone having a few pints. I don't really have a problem with someone taking hash either. My problem, with both hardcore drugs and alcohol, is the effect that they have on not only the close people around them, but also on society in general.

Anyway, this isn't a debate about drugs or whatever so I will leave it at that.

scoot on

OP, I know exactly how you feel!! I was with my boyfriend for about 9 months before I found out he ever touched anything besides hash. It came as a big shock to me at the time and I got fairly upset when he told me that he used to take e's every weekend. He never lied to me though. He told me at the time that it was in the past, he did it when he was clubbing when he was younger and had kinda of grown out of it. So I got over it. A lot of his friends however haven't grown out of it and still take coke on a regular basis. I HATE the idea of my bf taking drugs. He doesn't do it on a regular basis but if he is at a stag or something with 'the lads' he might dabble. We're together 7 years, i'd say he's taken drugs maybe 7 or 8 times in that time. The thing is he never lies to me about it. If I ask him he'll tell me straight out even though he knows i'll give him grief over it. I won't lay down the law and tell him not to do it. What he does is not up to me. I don't like it, and he knows that, but the fact that he's open and honest about it really helps.

PeakOutput

jesus_thats_gre wrote: »

Your point?

u hav no idea why people do it unless uv tried it fr the record iv only smoked hash

challengemaster

PeakOutput wrote: »

u hav no idea why people do it unless uv tried it fr the record iv only smoked hash

I indeed have no idea, because it doesn't make sense. Maybe...
Because they've got such a **** personality that they need drugs to be any fun?
There's no reason to take drugs, because, oh snap! there's billions of people who don't every time they go out. ****ing stupid if you ask me. Basically you're just too cowardly to let go and have a good time.

If you need drugs to have fun, you need your head checked.

WindSock

Moved from LL.

Abi

Irongirl wrote: »

I've been with my husband for five years, married for one.

Im not sure I can offer you any enlightening advice, and probably going to get slated for this, but- I think he should have been more open with you from the very beginning. Not so you could judge him or tell him what he is or isnt allowed to do, but so you could have made a choice then whether you were comfortable enough to handle it.

Putting aside the fact that it wasnt out in the open, do you and your husband have any plans to have children? This would be a concern for me; as you want to give your childrens health the best possible start, and of course - how would it influence their attitudes about drugs?

My OH has never, nor ever will take drugs. That is something he has said on his own bat. I on the other hand, have. E and hash, but very infrequently. I left that behind me long before I had kids, and saw it as an experimental stage for me.

Another thing to take into account is; drugs arent free. What is it costing him per month, say? If you and he are doing financially well at the moment, and you never really missed the money; What happens if you both go through a financial rough patch? First thing to get it in the neck is our social expenses. How easy would he find it to curtail the drugs?

JC 2K3

Why does it bother you so much OP?

Is it just the fact that he "does drugs" and the stigma associated with them or are there any changes in his behaviour as a result of drug use?

Most users aren't addicts and don't experience many negative consequences of drug use in their lives. If he's one of these, then there's no reason you should be concerned and IMO he's doing nothing wrong.

If his behaviour is changing as a result of drug use (and please don't go analysing him to try and link his drug use to any slight mood swing), then you have valid reason to be concerned and should talk to him about cutting down, but otherwise it's not a big deal, it's just something he enjoys now and then.

MagicMarker

JC 2K3 wrote: »

Most users aren't addicts and don't experience many negative consequences of drug use in their lives. If he's one of these, then there's no reason you should be concerned and IMO he's doing nothing wrong.

What kind of drugs are you basing this on?

m83

drugs are bad mmmkay

BraziliaNZ

I take them in moderation and wouldn't give them up for any woman, only by my own choice if I wanted to. As far as I'm concerned everything is ok in moderation when it comes to stuff like booze/drugs etc.

Abi

BraziliaNZ wrote: »

I take them in moderation and wouldn't give them up for any woman, only by my own choice if I wanted to. As far as I'm concerned everything is ok in moderation when it comes to stuff like booze/drugs etc.

I certainly dont judge you, you arent entitled to do what you please. But for curiosities sake; If you were seeing someone, and it looked like it might go places - would you make it known to her that you like to dabble a bit?

There seems to be quite a few varied opinions on it here, which makes me think - it would be hunky dory for one woman and the next would have some concerns about it.

Just a quick note though, alcohol = legal, drug= illegal, so there is a difference.

Again, not judging - but as I said, some women dont mind, and others feel quite strongly against drugs. Is she not entitled to the choice?

BostonB

Getting a bad pint is one thing, getting bad drugs is entirely another.

However this isn't really about drugs its about a partner doing something you don't like, and what compromise you work out, if indeed its something either of you can compromise on.

Abi

BostonB wrote: »

if indeed its something either of you can compromise on.

This here is exactly my point you see. The OP's husband never really gave her the choice. I cant lie, that would bug me in the same way as the OP.

Again, what he does is his own business - but its worth checking if your would be husband or wife might have an issue with it. Surely they are entitled to at least that information.

Attitudes towards drugs vary greatly from person to person.

herya

BostonB wrote: »

Getting a bad pint is one thing, getting bad drugs is entirely another.

Exactly. By doing coke he exposes himself to the risk of heart failure, seizure, whatever. Not to mention the possibility of addiction (and yes, there ARE drug addicts - where have you been folks? Is the drug industry brainwash marketing so effective already?) and its emotional physical psychological & financial consequences. That means that he is putting you in a situation when you may witness him die or have to deal with his addiction. Would it still be "his own choice"? I'd rather say extreme egoism.

It's kinda cheeky of him to expect you to shut up and put up when he did not discussed it with you in the first place (and it's not a thing that can be overlooked in any serious relationship). He probably believes there will be no consequences of drugs for him - he's so special that he'll be an exception.

gerryk

Ok, I'm curious about a few aspects to this...

In the 5 years you've been together, this has never come up, until now? Have you never had a conversation about all the various what if's that are so important to compatibility? Where you both are politically, sexually, spiritually and so on?
I find it difficult to believe that this is only now becoming an issue. Perhaps, you've just been in denial up to now.
I'm not trying to lay blame with you, just thinking aloud...

Also, what drugs are we talking about here?

Irongirl

gerryk wrote: »

Ok, I'm curious about a few aspects to this...

In the 5 years you've been together, this has never come up, until now? Have you never had a conversation about all the various what if's that are so important to compatibility? Where you both are politically, sexually, spiritually and so on?
I find it difficult to believe that this is only now becoming an issue. Perhaps, you've just been in denial up to now.
I'm not trying to lay blame with you, just thinking aloud...

Also, what drugs are we talking about here?

Thanks all for the input.

There's been a lot of points made so I'll try to cover everything. On this post...

It hasn't come up in the last five years because it has been so infrequent. None of the people we associate with as a couple are drug users so the topic has never come up. Like I said, I knew he regularly took drugs as a teenager but I just presumed it was something he had grown out of.

What bothers me about it? This is interesting because I've spent a lot of time trying to figure it out myself. It doesn't affect us financially because usually it's just something he does when it's offered or when he's away for a weekend anyway so he's got a lump sum that would just be spent on alcohol anyway.

Initially I think it was the secrecy that surrounded it. Not only did he keep it from me but he justified it by telling himself he had only lied once. I've never really seen that side of him. It was a shock after five years and I suppose it raised other questions about his honesty. But since the conversation we had a year ago about lying that isn't an issue. He's completely open about it...and I'm still p1ssed off. Maybe it's the whole gang violence sh1t that's going on. Or maybe that's just what I tell myself to make me feel better about being a little bit of a control freak.

As I said I have never thought of myself as anti-drugs, I've been at plenty of drug fuelled parties but maybe when it's my husband it's different.

I'm confusing myself now.

Anyway, I suppose my view on drugs are irrelevant, as are anyone's in the context of this conversation. Like someone else said it's about compromise and what you're willing to accept from a person. I love my husband very much and don't intend divorcing him over a once a year dabble so maybe I'll just have to be annoyed about it, let it pass, and get on with the other 364 days of the year.

Incidentally, I'm a smoker. He hates it. So really have I any ground to stand on?

Beruthiel

Irongirl wrote: »

Initially I think it was the secrecy that surrounded it. Not only did he keep it from me but he justified it by telling himself he had only lied once. I've never really seen that side of him. It was a shock after five years and I suppose it raised other questions about his honesty.

In all honesty, I would be well pissed off if after 5 years of marriage I just found out that my husband is doing coke.
Now the fact that he kept that info to himself is because he felt he had to. Why is that? Because he knew he shouldn't be doing it? Because the time to tell your wife that you are still taking a hard drug is before you marry her?
This would be a big problem for me. I have no issue with drink or soft drugs.
Coke on the other hand is a hard drug, addictive and expensive. My worry would be the future and how his habit may change for the worse.

At the very least, if I were marrying someone, I'd like to think I had all the facts going into such a contract, because personally, I would not marry someone who did coke on a regular basis.

JC 2K3

herya wrote: »

He probably believes there will be no consequences of drugs for him - he's so special that he'll be an exception.

The exceptions are the fúcked up ones who get all the media attention.

Drug use doesn't cause major problems in the majority of users.

That said, coke is one of the more likely drugs to fúck someone up, just behind heroin and just ahead of alcohol. But once a year use? It's extremely unlikely that he'd experience addiction or negative consequences as a result of that.

OP, I'd make it clear to your husband that you don't want him doing it any more frequently than he does currently.

herya

JC 2K3 wrote: »

That said, coke is one of the more likely drugs to fúck someone up, just behind heroin and just ahead of alcohol. But once a year use? It's extremely unlikely that he'd experience addiction or negative consequences as a result of that.

Possibly. But still, with all the sudden coke deaths around it's enough to do it *once* and suffer the consequences. Extremely unlikely, true, but it's kinda like telling his wife "hey hon, don't be surprised to get a phone call from the lads one evening that what I've taken was messed with or too strong or maybe I was just unlucky - so I had a stroke and I died". That's the kind of risk he's putting her to, for a bit of fun on his side.

JC 2K3

Not really, I'd expect my friends and family to be surprised if something "extremely unlikely" happened to me.

"All the sudden coke deaths" are just a handful of cases massively exaggerated and sensationalised to sell papers. Alcohol and road accidents are still far more prevalent killers.

I personally don't advocate cocaine use, but I don't advocate scaremongering and exaggerating the risks of very infrequent use either.

herya

JC 2K3 wrote: »

"All the sudden coke deaths" are just a handful of cases massively exaggerated and sensationalised to sell papers. Alcohol and road accidents are still far more prevalent killers.

Any death that results from sheer stupidity (be it drugs or drunk driving) is extremely unfair towards those who are left behind. You may kill yourself for a bit of fun, it's a free country, but it's your loved ones who are left to suffer. And those deaths DO happen.

JC 2K3 wrote: »

I personally don't advocate cocaine use

You do sound very defensive re: drugs use though.

JC 2K3 wrote: »

The exceptions are the fúcked up ones who get all the media attention.

Do you honestly believe that all hard drug addicts - be it the junkies in the street or the coke snorting yuppies or the ones being cured at institutions - were "f*cked up" from the beginning? Natural selection of the stupid or what? Believe me some of them were great people with satisfying lives. Before.

Daithio

challengemaster wrote: »

I indeed have no idea, because it doesn't make sense. Maybe...
Because they've got such a **** personality that they need drugs to be any fun?
There's no reason to take drugs, because, oh snap! there's billions of people who don't every time they go out. ****ing stupid if you ask me. Basically you're just too cowardly to let go and have a good time.

If you need drugs to have fun, you need your head checked.

Do you enjoy going to the cinema? (for example)

Do you need to go to the cinema to have fun?

Do you see how stupid your argument is?

Just because some people enjoy taking drugs recreationally, it doesn't follow that they "need" drugs to have fun. They just need them to have more fun.

OP- let him know that it bothers you. And you're right that it bothers you, because coke is pretty dodgy. Tell him to do take something that's less dangerous.

JC 2K3

herya wrote: »

You do sound very defensive re: drugs use though.

True, I am.

herya wrote: »

Do you honestly believe that all hard drug addicts - be it the junkies in the street or the coke snorting yuppies or the ones being cured at institutions - were "f*cked up" from the beginning? Natural selection of the stupid or what? Believe me some of them were great people with satisfying lives. Before.

No, you've misunderstood me. My point is essentially that drugs should be judged by their actual harm potential, rather than what you hear about in the news.

This is getting off topic here, however.

herya

JC 2K3 wrote: »

My point is essentially that drugs should be judged by their actual harm potential, rather than what you hear about in the news.

Fair enough. But I believe that their actual harm potential is high enough, plus the "recreational" drug use is very much a drug marketing slogan. You may *want* to be a recreational user but you never know how it turns out be for you.
/end of ot

Toots

OP, I wouldn't exactly advise you to lay down the law, but I'd definitely ask him to stop what he's doing. I know people say it's 'the same as having a few pints when you're out' but it's really not. Coke can be really dangerous, while there may be only a handful of deaths directly due to cocaine overdoses, they are still deaths!!

Also, you mentioned that the financial side of it is not an issue, well it's not now, while he just does it the odd time, but what if the odd time becomes once a month, once a month becomes just on saturdays, which turns to every day and he's totally addicted, let me tell you you'll be in a real mess financially then! And living with a cocaine addict probably wouldn't be a picnic either.

Another thing that struck me is, what would you do if you have a baby? Would you want him out using coke and then coming home to you and your child??

My advice would be that you explain to him that you don't want him doing coke any more, and ask that he stops, don't tell him to, but ask him. Then you could make him a deal, since he hates you smoking so much, agree that you'll quit if he stops with the nose powder. That way you'll both benefit from it.

PeakOutput

op sit down with ur husband ask him why he does it and how often and why it was 'kept secret'

then tell him your feelings about it and why its getting to you(as you said its mainly the secrecy thing) if what you said about him only doin it when its offered or on big weekends away is true then there should be no problem finding a compromise if not him stopping altogether

this is NOT a big deal at this stage imo its a hiccup that needs to be sat down and talked about. when you come to an agreement you need to keep an eye out to make sure its being stuck too(DO NOT be in his face about it but just keep an eye on things) this will be the point were you will find out if there is a bigger problem or not and more then likely there will not be.

there are numerous reasons for doing drugs good and bad if he has been doing them in moderation since he was a teenager i find it unlikely that he will suddenly let it affect and control his life

dont listen to the all drugs are bad all the time brigade and dont listen to the all drugs are fine all the time brigade the answer is somewhere in the middle and its not in the same place for everyone

JC 2K3

Toots85 wrote: »

OP, I wouldn't exactly advise you to lay down the law, but I'd definitely ask him to stop what he's doing. I know people say it's 'the same as having a few pints when you're out' but it's really not. Coke can be really dangerous, while there may be only a handful of deaths directly due to cocaine overdoses, they are still deaths!!

And the (much greater number of) deaths directly due to alcohol aren't?

Toots85 wrote: »

Also, you mentioned that the financial side of it is not an issue, well it's not now, while he just does it the odd time, but what if the odd time becomes once a month, once a month becomes just on saturdays, which turns to every day and he's totally addicted, let me tell you you'll be in a real mess financially then! And living with a cocaine addict probably wouldn't be a picnic either.

If he's been using it very infrequently for 5 years, I think he has control of it, wouldn't you think?

Toots85 wrote: »

Another thing that struck me is, what would you do if you have a baby? Would you want him out using coke and then coming home to you and your child??

Who says he's going to do that? When a couple have a baby, they have to cut down on going out, alcohol etc. If he was using cocaine too often, he would have to cut down on that too, but if he did it with his friends, away from his family, like he seems to do now anyway, the frequency at which he uses now, it would not be a problem IMO.

Toots85 wrote: »

My advice would be that you explain to him that you don't want him doing coke any more, and ask that he stops, don't tell him to, but ask him. Then you could make him a deal, since he hates you smoking so much, agree that you'll quit if he stops with the nose powder. That way you'll both benefit from it.

That's quite an unfair deal on the OP in terms of the difficulty involved in giving up cigarettes vs. stopping very infrequent cocaine use.

monkey9

OP, it's ok not to really have a reason why you don't like him doing drugs. You don't have to have a specific reason. I suppose there's a stigma attached to it and maybe if you weren't used to being around it, it can be a bit of a shock to see someone doing it. And even if you have been to parties, the fact your husband does it makes it a personal thing.
The important factor here is not why you don't like him doing it, but that you don't like him doing it, end of story.
All you can do is sit down and tell him it's not something you want him doing and without it being an ultimatum, ask him if he would stop for your sake.
In saying that, if he asked you to quit smoking, would you?? You could even compromise and say you would stop smoking if he stops taking drugs. Maybe then you will realise either way how much his drug taking bothers you

Seraphina

herya wrote: »

You may *want* to be a recreational user but you never know how it turns out be for you.
/end of ot

yeah you do. its called taking responsibility for your actions. i started smoking weed 8 years ago. before i had my first toke, i consciously made the decision that i would never start smoking cigarrettes, as i've had a few family members and friends with health problems because of them.

8 years on, and i think i've smoked 3 ciggarretes in my lifetime, all of which were stupid teenage drunkness and me not realising it was a normal ciggy and not a joint.

i've never felt the craving for a smoke, never 'needed' one for anything, but i have and still do enjoy smoking joints when i'm just hanging out with friends and having a laugh.

all this drugs scaremongering does nothing but remove personal responsibility from idiots. they blame they drugs ohh i was addicted, its not my fault blah blah blah. you let yourself become addicted through not being careful.

OP the drug situation obviously makes you feel uncomfortable, and i'm not surprised given the shock tactics the papers and government use to scare people away from ever using drugs. he is being honest and open about his use, which is very infrequent and most likely pretty minimal. is it just the fact that its illegal? do you actually KNOW anything about coke or do you just not like it because you're not there and you think he may 'go wild' or something on it?

everyone here posting about "oh what happens when you have a baby..." is ignoring the much closer to home (and the baby) fact that the OP herself smokes. how is this going to affect the baby when she gets pregnant? will she quit, will she risk damaging the baby for the sake of her addiction (i know people who have done this) will she start smoking again once the baby is born and expose him/her to the smoke?

people are getting all flustered about the husbands almost non existant use of coke and its possible effect on a future sprog, when its highly unlikely that the child will EVER come in contact with their father while he is on coke. the mother smoking, however is an altogether different matter.

BostonB

Seraphina wrote: »

....when its highly unlikely that the child will EVER come in contact with their father while he is on coke. the mother smoking, however is an altogether different matter.

You could read that two ways in that coke would lead to his demise or seperation from the child Smoking is obviously a big issue. The drug use is something that wasn't volunteered, the OP found out about it, is fairly infrequent, but its doesn't seem the OP would be happy with any drug use. (other than drinking and smoking). Seems like you want to draw a new line in the sand. I guess you've got to sell that to hubby. Its up to him if he wants to accept it, not accept it, or just hide it like he has been. The drug use itself seems very minor. However it could lead to other problems, (however unlikely) if caught by the law, lying and hiding drug use, side effects etc. I couldn't handle living with someone who smoked myself

herya

Seraphina wrote: »

yeah you do. its called taking responsibility for your actions. i started smoking weed 8 years ago. before i had my first toke, i consciously made the decision that i would never start smoking cigarrettes, as i've had a few family members and friends with health problems because of them.
8 years on, and i think i've smoked 3 ciggarretes in my lifetime, all of which were stupid teenage drunkness and me not realising it was a normal ciggy and not a joint.

Then you have strong will - good for you - something not everybody is blessed with. There are perfectly sensible bright people out there who try and never cross the line and the same kind of people who try and suddenly they need more and more. I am absolutely not saying that *everyone* who tries will fall for it (my bf smoked weed a lot and dabbled in hard drugs when he was 18 and never looked at them again). Some will, though. And they believed in "recreational use" as well. Nobody starts thinking "OK I'll end up as an addict", do they?

JC 2K3

herya wrote: »

There are perfectly sensible bright people out there who try and never cross the line

And from the evidence we've been presented with, the OP's husband seems to be one of these people.

herya wrote: »

And they believed in "recreational use" as well.

What's not to believe about recreational use? The use of drugs for recreational purposes most certainly exists.

herya

JC 2K3 wrote: »

And from the evidence we've been presented with, the OP's husband seems to be one of these people.

But it's up to her to judge the chance of him staying like this.

JC 2K3 wrote: »

What's not to believe about recreational use? The use of drugs for recreational purposes most certainly exists.

Not for everyone, for addicts and casualties it doesn't. The mistake is to believe that you'll belong to the majority.

Toots

And the (much greater number of) deaths directly due to alcohol aren't?

Alcohol isn't what the OP is concerned about, it's cocaine. I'm not for a second suggesting that it's ok to binge drink every weekend, but you seem to be saying that it's better to do the odd line of coke rather than get pissed?? Also when you say deaths directly due to alcohol do you mean people who died of alcohol poisoning? Because what I'm referring to in my post would be someone who goes out one night, takes too much coke and has a heart attack, or brain haemhorrage or something DIRECTLY caused by the effects of the drug. All it takes is for him to take some dodgy coke and that would be the end of it. He doesn't have to be using it regularly, it could happen to someone the first time they did it.

If he's been using it very infrequently for 5 years, I think he has control of it, wouldn't you think?

Not necessarily. I used to have the odd smoke once in a while when I was out, fast forward two years and I was up to a pack a day. The point is cocaine is an addictive substance, you can't control what you do and don't get addicted to. He can't say for certain that he won't ever get addicted, and neither can you.

Who says he's going to do that? When a couple have a baby, they have to cut down on going out, alcohol etc. If he was using cocaine too often, he would have to cut down on that too,

If only it were that simple! If a couple have a baby, it would make sense that they should cut down on going out, but that's not always the case. It's a lot easier to cut down on going out ect, but if it gets to the stage where someone's addicted to something, be it drugs, alcohol whatever it's difficult to just cut down.

but if he did it with his friends, away from his family, like he seems to do now anyway, the frequency at which he uses now, it would not be a problem IMO.

So you're saying that if you and your OH had a young baby and she went off with her mates every so often and got coked up you'd be ok with that?

That's quite an unfair deal on the OP in terms of the difficulty involved in giving up cigarettes vs. stopping very infrequent cocaine use.

This is a suggestion, and TBH, how is it an unfair deal if the OP succeded in quitting smoking? That would be a huge benefit to her. The reason I suggested it is that if she really doesn't want her husband to continue his use of cocaine, then why should he have to give up something he enjoys but she hates?

JC 2K3

Toots85 wrote: »

Alcohol isn't what the OP is concerned about, it's cocaine. I'm not for a second suggesting that it's ok to binge drink every weekend, but you seem to be saying that it's better to do the odd line of coke rather than get pissed?

Better? No. Any worse? Probably not. Perhaps slightly better or worse depending on the person and the amount and frequency of use we're talking about.

Toots85 wrote: »

you can't control what you do and don't get addicted to.

Emmm... yes you can. It's not as simple as every time you take a drug you have a chance of getting addicted. Addiction takes time to develop and requires frequent use. Taking coke as infrequently as the OP's husband will not result in an addiction, and having been taking it so infrequently for so long, it's extremely unlikely that he will increase his frequency of usage.

Toots85 wrote: »

So you're saying that if you and your OH had a young baby and she went off with her mates every so often and got coked up you'd be ok with that?

Of course. Why wouldn't I? If she wasn't under the influence of coke around the baby, was responsible about her coke use and wasn't doing it too often, then what good reason would I have to stop her?

Toots85 wrote: »

This is a suggestion, and TBH, how is it an unfair deal if the OP succeded in quitting smoking? That would be a huge benefit to her. The reason I suggested it is that if she really doesn't want her husband to continue his use of cocaine, then why should he have to give up something he enjoys but she hates?

Heh, nah it's a good idea, it was just a musing. The OP hasn't stated that she dislikes smoking, however.

At the end of the day, you're anti-drugs and I support people's right to use them, so our advice is going to be totally different.

Getting away from a debate on the nature of coke, I think if the OP can't find a definite reason why she dislikes him doing it, she should either learn to accept it, or offer a compromise, such as your suggestion to give up cigarettes if he gives up coke.

Beruthiel

I must be getting old.
I have to say I'm more than shocked.
I never thought I'd see the day when people would actually say it's ok to take coke.

NextSteps

Doesn't matter what it is - coke, sky-diving, speeding, smoking - if the OP's husband is doing something potentially life-threatening that really worries her then it's a matter of respect for him to listen to her worries.

And ditto for her, if her husband hates it, she should respect that and give up the cigarettes.

PeakOutput

Beruthiel wrote: »

I must be getting old.
I have to say I'm more than shocked.
I never thought I'd see the day when people would actually say it's ok to take coke.

its ok for adults t do watever the hell they like to themselves

Abi

PeakOutput wrote: »

its ok for adults t do watever the hell they like to themselves

I'd agree with it only in the case of a single person, you can do what you like to yourself then. But when you have someone else to consider, you should speak out about it. Its unfair to take the choice away from them.

I cant believe people are trying to compare drink and cigarettes to drugs. Neither of those two are illegal.

Each to their own I say. But if it were me, there would be a shit-storm.

And I've no qualms in saying this; I dont give a cráp about what anyone thinks of my opinion on the matter, or how I would react in this scenario.

Shit. Fucking. Storm.

jellie

OP i really feel for you. My ex has been doing drugs for a few months now. but he purposely kept it secret because he knew i hated it.

I cant explain why, but i was NOT okay with it. but over time i felt myself almost normalising it. he started off on half a pill, maybe 1. now he takes 5+ on a night out. i tried to make myself think i was ok with it as long as it wasnt around me. its his body, he can put whatever he wants into it, etc etc.

But the reality isnt that simple. i KNEW what he was doing, i spent sleepless nights worrying about him. I felt he was taking his life into his own hands every time he did it, regardless if it was just 1 pill, or 5 pills plus coke plus whatever.

Some people think its fine, & thats fair enough for them, but if youre not comfortable with it then youre not. While i dont agree with laying down rules about it, if its not that big a deal for him then i dont see why he wouldnt stop if it bothers you. Although at the same time, if your smoking really bothers him, then you could also make the effort to stop for him.

For me, its a dealbreaker. If i met someone who told me they took drugs i wouldnt get involved. but when youre already involved its not that simple. Im not telling you to dump him or anything. But you need to make it clear to him how much it bothers you & if he doesnt care, then you have a decision to make.

neuro-praxis

Seraphina wrote: »

i've never felt the craving for a smoke, never 'needed' one for anything, but i have and still do enjoy smoking joints when i'm just hanging out with friends and having a laugh.

all this drugs scaremongering does nothing but remove personal responsibility from idiots. they blame they drugs ohh i was addicted, its not my fault blah blah blah. you let yourself become addicted through not being careful.

Um that's pretty stupid. I think you've forgotten that hash is not physically addictive in the way that cocaine is. Cocaine is a dangerous drug; five minutes reading about its effects on the body will tell you that.

workaccount

challengemaster wrote: »

I indeed have no idea, because it doesn't make sense. Maybe...
Because they've got such a **** personality that they need drugs to be any fun?
There's no reason to take drugs, because, oh snap! there's billions of people who don't every time they go out. ****ing stupid if you ask me. Basically you're just too cowardly to let go and have a good time.

If you need drugs to have fun, you need your head checked.

That statement is fairly far from the truth tbh. There's some people that can't go out and have a good time fair enough but there's loads of people that can go out and have a class time drinking and everything but abit of coke and a few e's could just make it ten times better.

There's ad's on the tv at the moment saying smoking is not cool and there trying to target all the young un's that are into it. It's total bull though made up by a few squares that are a million miles away from the reality of younger people. I fit into the young catergory btw.

What I'm trying to say is smoking is cool (I don't smoke - I gave it up) & drugs are class.
All the squares and newspapers will try to convince you of the exact opposite though. The main one being how dangerous they are. There not dangerous though. You will always have a few clowns that will get addicted. You will find people everywhere addicted to alcohol or food or gambling though. Usually it's not the drugs that are the problem. Heroin and crack excluded of course.

Abigayle

Abigayle wrote: »

....when you have someone else to consider, you should speak out about it. Its unfair to take the choice away from them.......

Conversely......is it unfair to take away the hubby's choice too?

There's an awful lot of crap being talked by people on both sides of this argument. I'm gonna refrain from a big long-winded post on the matter because it'll get lost in the clutter and will descend (further) into an anti/pro drugs debate.

The one thing I will say is that this:

I think if the OP can't find a definite reason why she dislikes him doing it, she should either learn to accept it, or offer a compromise

...is all the OP really needs to take on board.

Good luck to both of you.


Edit: forgot to mention, in case anyone is stupid enough to take it seriously, ignore the previous "What I'm trying to say is smoking is cool & drugs are class" drivel.

MagicMarker

I think the OP should get rid of him... Not neccesarily for using coke, rather just for being a complete fcking idiot!

Abi

Deleted User wrote: »

Conversely......is it unfair to take away the hubby's choice too?

To use illegal substances? ah yes. I see your point there.