Guy cheated on his wife - I'm the other woman but didn't know it!

LegacyUser

To start with I do not like when people cheat.

Anyway, I started seeing a guy last summer. I'm in my early 20's, he's 27. I never knew that he was married! I only found out this a few days ago. He had emailed me to meet up again this summer. I don't like him anymore and I think he is a complete jerk but my problem is should I tell his wife? Or should I just confront him and tell him I know he is married and see what he has to say? I think my main thing about this is that he was trying to continue to cheat on her with me this summer and I feel bad.

Nevyn

Tell him you know he is married and then refuse to have nothing to do with him.

kelly1979

i'd advise that you not tell his wife, sure she deserves to know that her hubby is a cheating rat but do you really want to be the one to say it? i personally wouldnt, saying that though if i was the wife i would want to know.

Oryx

Much as you might like to hit this guy where it hurts by telling his wife (and of course, advise her of what a scumbag he is) it is not your place to do it. One, because marriage trouble is always best left to the couple, and two because you are the other woman, and she is likely to want to blame you fully. I dont think you need to get into all that with her, the cheating wasnt your fault after all.

Yes, tell him what you think of him, in great detail if you like, but then walk away from the whole sorry situation.

dudara

Telling him seems like a childish thing to do.

If you don't want anything more to do with him because he is married, just tell him so and leave well alone.

Wibbs

I agree with Oryx. All too often you'll be the brazen hussy that broke up their marriage and he'll be forgiven after a bit of groveling. That may not be the case, but as you didn't know he was married, would not have had anything to do with the guy if you had known, you have clearly nothing to be guilty about and also clearly have no reason to tell her. It'll come out in the wash sooner or later in the majority of cases. You could put good money on the bet that this isn't the first time he's pulled this one and won't be the last..

seahorse

Wibbs wrote: »

You could put good money on the bet that this isn't the first time he's pulled this one and won't be the last..

+ 1

Yes, this much you can be sure of.

I'd advise you to tell him you know he's married and just leave well enough alone.

Bottle_of_Smoke

If there's no kids I think you should do her a favour & let her know. What's your relationship with her? If you don't know her what does it matter what she thinks of you. Once you underline that you didn't know she has no right to be angry anyway

Wibbs

What people have no right to be angry about and what they get angry about are two very different things. A helluva lot of things people get angry about are like that. This is doubly true in affairs of the heart. As Thaed wrote, tell him you know he's hitched and tell him goodbye. Do NOT get involved further IMHO.

Steve.Pseudonym

I don't get the "it's not your place to tell her" attitude from the majority of posters, if it's not the OP's place to tell her then exactly who's place is it? I know if I were being cheated on I'd want to know. I agree that her reaction might be unpredictable, but if this guy is cheating on her she deserves to know. And it has nothing to do with "hitting him where it hurts", as one person said, it's just the right thing to do.

Talliesin

There's a whole bunch of stuff you don't know about what goes on between this man and his wife. In all, you're best leaving what happens between the two of them well alone.

What you do know is that he cheated on you, since he didn't tell you about his wife, so just dump him.

deisemum

I wouldn't even bother meeting up to tell him in person that you know that he's married and that you don't want anything further to do with him. I 'd just send an email and tell him if he contacts you again that you'll tell his wife.

ronbyrne2005

Steve.Pseudonym wrote: »

I don't get the "it's not your place to tell her" attitude from the majority of posters, if it's not the OP's place to tell her then exactly who's place is it? I know if I were being cheated on I'd want to know. I agree that her reaction might be unpredictable, but if this guy is cheating on her she deserves to know. And it has nothing to do with "hitting him where it hurts", as one person said, it's just the right thing to do.

Just because you would like to know does'nt mean she should go near or tell the wife. She does'nt even know the wife so can't know what is going on in their marriage. People who don't know the full facts sticking their noses into other peoples marriages/families can have unintended or unexpected outcomes. If she personally knew the wife it might be appropriate to inform her ,maybe even anonymously but not in this case.

Steve.Pseudonym

ronbyrne2005 wrote: »

Just because you would like to know does'nt mean she should go near or tell the wife. She does'nt even know the wife so can't know what is going on in their marriage. People who don't know the full facts sticking their noses into other peoples marriages/families can have unintended or unexpected outcomes. If she personally knew the wife it might be appropriate to inform her ,maybe even anonymously but not in this case.

Respectfully disagree. It's a fact that he's cheating, not a theory or a malicious rumour. I hardly see someone telling his wife about it as "sticking their nose in" and I'm shocked that attitude is so prevalent. As for unexpected outcomes, that's his problem, he made his bed let him sleep in it. As far as I'm concerned telling the wife is the only right thing to do.

seahorse

ronbyrne2005 wrote: »

People who don't know the full facts sticking their noses into other peoples marriages/families can have unintended or unexpected outcomes.

+ 1

For all the OP knows the wife could have an open marriage, know full well that her husband sleeps with women who are unimportant to him on an emotional level and not give the slightest toss about it; there are marriages like that out there.

OP; I find it difficult to understand how a woman could not know a man was married to begin with. Did he never wear a ring? And if not, did he not have the classic and obvious indentation of one on his finger? What excuses did he come up with when he went home to his wife every night? Was it not suspicious that his mobile was off or he was ignoring calls a large percentage of the time? Or that you'd never seen the inside of his home??? :eek:

I just find it bizarre that women can be duped in this way; there are a million and one things that would get the mental alarm bells ringing. The only way I can imagine that is possible is when the other woman is a clueless teenager or the wife is turning a deliberate blind eye to it.

ronbyrne2005

Steve.Pseudonym wrote: »

Respectfully disagree. It's a fact that he's cheating, not a theory or a malicious rumour. I hardly see someone telling his wife about it as "sticking their nose in" and I'm shocked that attitude is so prevalent. As for unexpected outcomes, that's his problem, he made his bed let him sleep in it. As far as I'm concerned telling the wife is the only right thing to do.

Thats your belief. Like morals, everyone has different beliefs about how to live life. If the guy is a serial cheater he will be caught in time. This girl going to woman she does'nt know will achive little or nothing. What if the marriage had been going through a rocky patch but was now back on track? Telling the wife could ruin any future for the marriage and any kids. It's none of this girls business to get involved and just seems vindictive.

Steve.Pseudonym

ronbyrne2005 wrote: »

Thats your belief. Like morals, everyone has different beliefs about how to live life.

Indeed, but only mine are correct

ronbyrne2005 wrote:

Telling the wife could ruin any future for the marriage and any kids.

If the wife chooses to end the marriage based on the fact that this guy cheated on her then that's her right, and frankly she'd be putting herself in a better position by doing it. What you've said there appears to be more concerned with the husband's perspective than his wife's. I'm sure he'd feel terrible, but it's his own fault, and a rocky patch isn't an excuse. The logic of what you're saying is that it's okay her to be lied to in order to save the marriage. I can't agree with that.

seahorse wrote:

OP; I find it difficult to understand how a woman could not know a man was married to begin with. Did he never wear a ring? And if not, did he not have the classic and obvious indentation of one on his finger? What excuses did he come up with when he went home to his wife every night? Was it not suspicious that his mobile was off or he was ignoring calls a large percentage of the time? Or that you'd never seen the inside of his home???

I just find it bizarre that women can be duped in this way; there are a million and one things that would get the mental alarm bells ringing. The only way I can imagine that is possible is when the other woman is a clueless teenager or the wife is turning a deliberate blind eye to it.

In fairness, if he set out to cheat on his wife then there are lots of ways he could cover himself. It's not like he was innocently walking down the street, carrying a bunch of flowers for his wife and a card saying "with my love and eternal fidelity", when he was set upon by the OP.

LegacyUser

ronbyrne2005 wrote: »

Thats your belief. Like morals, everyone has different beliefs about how to live life. If the guy is a serial cheater he will be caught in time. This girl going to woman she does'nt know will achive little or nothing. What if the marriage had been going through a rocky patch but was now back on track? Telling the wife could ruin any future for the marriage and any kids. It's none of this girls business to get involved and just seems vindictive.

Morals? - This guy would talk about how his father had an affair and left his mother with 4 kids to support on her own. He said he hated people who lied. Seems like father like son.

Marriage getting back on track? - He emailed me a week ago wanting to meet up again, it doesn't sound like he is trying to get the marriage back on track.

Not my business to get involved? - He made it my business when he made me the other woman!

Vindictive? - No, if anything i feel embarrassed and guilty. I feel bad for his wife. Personally I wouldn't want to stay married to a guy who cheated. I wanted to ask others opinions because it's not a nice situation to be involved in.

gogglebok

Talliesin wrote: »

There's a whole bunch of stuff you don't know about what goes on between this man and his wife. In all, you're best leaving what happens between the two of them well alone.

What you do know is that he cheated on you, since he didn't tell you about his wife, so just dump him.

Couldn't agree more. You have absolutely nothing to gain by getting more involved, OP, and that's what initiating contact with his wife would do. I think your urge is a generous one, but it will look like to him (and possibly her) like you're lashing out.

seahorse

Steve.Pseudonym wrote: »

In fairness, if he set out to cheat on his wife then there are lots of ways he could cover himself. It's not like he was innocently walking down the street, carrying a bunch of flowers for his wife and a card saying "with my love and eternal fidelity", when he was set upon by the OP.

Well I don’t remember the OP saying how long she'd been seeing this man, but I was not referring to instances where a married man had a one night stand or very brief fling; I was talking about the cases where women are seeing a man for months before they realise something is up with his elusive behaviour and then finally the penny drops and they realise the man they have been having a relationship with is married. If I never got a look-in to a mans private life I'd know pretty damn fast the reason for that was because there was something there he didn’t want me to see.

gogglebok

Steve.Pseudonym wrote: »

Respectfully disagree. It's a fact that he's cheating, not a theory or a malicious rumour. I hardly see someone telling his wife about it as "sticking their nose in" and I'm shocked that attitude is so prevalent. As for unexpected outcomes, that's his problem, he made his bed let him sleep in it. As far as I'm concerned telling the wife is the only right thing to do.

I'm not sure how far you'd go with this, Steve. Say I haven't had a relationship with either partner in a couple, but I know one of them is cheating. Am I morally obliged to tell?

I know the OP was involved, but that doesn't affect the moral position as you outline it here. I might go so far as to say that being involved makes her the last person who should tell. To much potential for mixed motives, and too much potential to get hurt.

Steve.Pseudonym

Say I haven't had a relationship with either partner in a couple, but I know one of them is cheating. Am I morally obliged to tell?

Yes, but as the distance from the situation is greater I imagine people would feel less pressure to do something about it, after all it's universally easier to stay quiet. As for me personally, yes I would tell them.

I know the OP was involved, but that doesn't affect the moral position as you outline it here. I might go so far as to say that being involved makes her the last person who should tell. To much potential for mixed motives, and too much potential to get hurt.

Motives are irrelevant, same information, same effects. Potential to get hurt? The relationship with the guy is over, so that isn't a source and isn't effected by telling the wife. That leaves a potential negative reaction from the wife or the guy. If she's honest and tactful about it the chances of this are reduced, but even if a negative reaction is encountered, hey, who cares? At least you tried, moral victory.

LegacyUser

seahorse wrote: »

+ 1

For all the OP knows the wife could have an open marriage, know full well that her husband sleeps with women who are unimportant to him on an emotional level and not give the slightest toss about it.

Ouch This is highly unlikely though - the open marriage part .

seahorse wrote: »

OP; I find it difficult to understand how a woman could not know a man was married to begin with. Did he never wear a ring? And if not, did he not have the classic and obvious indentation of one on his finger? What excuses did he come up with when he went home to his wife every night? Was it not suspicious that his mobile was off or he was ignoring calls a large percentage of the time? Or that you'd never seen the inside of his home??? :eek:

This isn't as straight forward as it's written in my 1st post. My two friends (who knew him quite well...or so we thought ) are also suprised. BTW he didn't go home to his wife every night, obviously every morning he must of but that's neither here nor there. There are other factors and details as to how he was able to do this without us all knowing.

seahorse wrote: »

I just find it bizarre that women can be duped in this way; there are a million and one things that would get the mental alarm bells ringing. The only way I can imagine that is possible is when the other woman is a clueless teenager or the wife is turning a deliberate blind eye to it.

Can you not make me feel more stupid? Thanks!

miss no stars

OP. this response is based on your own

from where I'm reading this, you seem to be taking most issue with the posts telling you to do nothing about telling the wife. to me, this is showing you want people to just say "tell her".

It's your conscience when all is said and done. You have a right to a clear conscience and until you found out you were the other woman you had one. if you want to take actions to get it back, then do. You have to be able to live with yourself. But be aware that you could end the relationship.

He's jacked you around and you don't owe her anything as you don't know this so you have to act for yourself. Think of all the possible consequences and go with whatever action leaves you with the freest and clearest conscience. Only you can tell which it is.

Bottle_of_Smoke

seahorse wrote: »

+ 1

For all the OP knows the wife could have an open marriage, know full well that her husband sleeps with women who are unimportant to him on an emotional level and not give the slightest toss about it; there are marriages like that out there.

Well if this incredibly unlikely scenario were to be true, telling her won't do any harm.

OP; I find it difficult to understand how a woman could not know a man was married to begin with. Did he never wear a ring? And if not, did he not have the classic and obvious indentation of one on his finger? What excuses did he come up with when he went home to his wife every night? Was it not suspicious that his mobile was off or he was ignoring calls a large percentage of the time? Or that you'd never seen the inside of his home??? :eek:

I just find it bizarre that women can be duped in this way; there are a million and one things that would get the mental alarm bells ringing. The only way I can imagine that is possible is when the other woman is a clueless teenager or the wife is turning a deliberate blind eye to it.

If you don't expect it(in fairness he was 27, not inconceivable for him to be unwed) you won't see the signals, she was in her early 20s. He could have kept his phone on silent/worn a ring that didn't look like a wedding ring days he met her. Guys know what they're up to when cheating. If you re-read the OP you'll see it wasn't a serious relationship so it probably didn't need to make excuses about where he was going at night.

Wibbs wrote:

What people have no right to be angry about and what they get angry about are two very different things. A helluva lot of things people get angry about are like that. This is doubly true in affairs of the heart.

Very true but the main difference is the effect it has on the OPs reputation. And in this case it seems as if it doesn't matter if the wife is angry.

Now thinking about it again I think the OP will need some proof of the affair. Perhaps emails would do. If she has some proof I really think she should tell the wife. Sure she might find out at some stage but its much harder for an older woman to start a new marriage. Sooner she finds out the better.

Affable

Tell him you won't see him as people have said. There's no way you'll get him to tell her about it. I think it's cruel to conceal it from her-she has a right to know, so that makes it seem you really should tell her.

LoanShark

Dont tell the wife, You Dont Know what kind of reaction you'll get..
Send him an email telling him you know he's married and finsh it with him then finish the email with a nice big P.F.O.

karen3212

No I don't think you should tell his wife either. She may be one of those women who suspects that her husband cheats but would be devastated if she found out he actually does cheat. She may be turning a blind for her own sanity. Why cause her pain if she suspects but really doesn't want to know.

Also be aware that people often shoot the messenger.

LoanShark

karen3212 wrote: »

No I don't think you should tell his wife either. She may be one of those women who suspects that her husband cheats but would be devastated if she found out he actually does cheat. She may be turning a blind for her own sanity. Why cause her pain if she suspects but really doesn't want to know.

Also be aware that people often shoot the messenger.

+1

Carrigart Exile

OP have the best of both worlds, tell him you know he's married and that you have sent his wife a letter telling her what a scumbag he is. You of course haven't but he'll worry himself stupid watching the postman's movements for months:D

gogglebok

Steve.Pseudonym wrote: »

Yes, but as the distance from the situation is greater I imagine people would feel less pressure to do something about it, after all it's universally easier to stay quiet. As for me personally, yes I would tell them.

Fair enough. I'm not sure how much of my disagreement is from moral conviction, now that you say it, and how much is "Don't prod the beehive!"

I do think marriage issues should be worked out within the marriage. Then it becomes a question of whether people have to be given all the information. It might be easier for a wife to hear "I slept with a another (faintly abstract) woman", than to have a vivid image of the other woman in her mind. I certainly don't think it should be a stranger's choice.

In this case, motives do matter. If there is even a possiblity that your motive is to punish the guy, OP, I think you should defer the decision until you're not so hurt and angry. Punish him if you want, but not at the cost of carelessly hurting an innocent stranger.

bp

A friend of mine was in a similar situation - he was in a long term relationship (not living together though as far as we know)

Turns out he had been cheating on his o/h for years with different people. He had more then girls three at once - the partner, the girl friend and the mistress (who knew about the g/f).

In the end the partner got told by two of the girls involved, she stuck with him - they are now married - the man could turn anything around. He is still poping up on dating websites looking for 'fun'.

Wibbs

Carrigart Exile wrote: »

OP have the best of both worlds, tell him you know he's married and that you have sent his wife a letter telling her what a scumbag he is. You of course haven't but he'll worry himself stupid watching the postman's movements for months:D

Funny enough that's a fiendishly simple solution to the problem. It satisfies the "revenge" angle, which will drive some(unwisely IMHO) and will seal the deal as far as him ringing the OP again and may guilt him into spilling the beans himself.

Wibbs

bp wrote: »

A friend of mine was in a similar situation - he was in a long term relationship (not living together though as far as we know)

Turns out he had been cheating on his o/h for years with different people. He had more then girls three at once - the partner, the girl friend and the mistress (who knew about the g/f).

In the end the partner got told by two of the girls involved, she stuck with him - they are now married - the man could turn anything around. He is still poping up on dating websites looking for 'fun'.

Yep I've seen that one too or similar. More than once as well. I've seen one situation where the "other woman" found out, kicked up stink, even confronted the long term partner and a few months down the line he had both on the go again. Off the top of my head I can think of two current scenarios like that. Looking back a further few come to mind. Some guys just operate like that and have a handy knack of seeking out the type of women that may fall for their BS(I've not seen the reverse happen to nearly the same degree for some reason ).

How Strange

oh no, oh no! wrote: »

Not my business to get involved? - He made it my business when he made me the other woman!

I don't think that sleeping with a married man a few times even if you didn't know he was married gives you the right to be involved in their marriage. The only person you're involved with is him.

Vindictive? - No, if anything i feel embarrassed and guilty. I feel bad for his wife. Personally I wouldn't want to stay married to a guy who cheated. I wanted to ask others opinions because it's not a nice situation to be involved in.

Trying to empathise with the wife and wondering how we would feel in her situation is a classic way of justifying our desire for revenge; I'm only doing it out of concern for his wife. Ultimately, you'll make your announcement to the wife and then head off feeling slightly better in yourself that you did the 'right thing'. However, in reality you just leave behind the carnage for her to sort out.

OP, you've done nothing wrong so leave it like that. Don't go interfereing in a relationship that has absolutely nothing to do with you. The wife may or may not already know about her philandering husband but that's not your concern.

Tell him you know he's married and to stay away from you and leave it at that.

If you tell the wife you'll most probably be branded a wh0re while he's forgiven for his indiscretion. That's how this scenario usually plays out. There aren't any winners and your conscience won't be any clearer for telling her.

seamus

How Strange wrote: »

However, in reality you just leave behind the carnage for her to sort out.

Indeed. The problem is that you don't know the wife, so you've no idea what to expect. As does happen, the wife may be well aware of his shenanigans but chooses to ignore them for whatever reason. Your going to her and telling her how it is, could incur her wrath for "rocking the boat", as it were.
Cheating men can sometimes be more attentive to their spouses (through guilt or fear or whatever), and sometimes women enjoy being treated better even if it does mean allowing their husband to have something on the side.

It's not that common, but my point is that you just don't know what's going to happen.

Whether they have marriage issues to sort out, is not the OP's problem. She is not responsible for their happiness or how they live their lives.

Forget about him, move on, and put it down as a lesson in spotting a rat when you come across another one in future.

LegacyUser

Send his wife an anonymous letter with a detail that only someone who'd slept with him would know. She may not believe it, but at least it'll put her on alert and she'll catch him next time (if she wants to).
Do not speak to or otherwise contact the wife as she'll undoubtedly project her anger onto you. Ignore the husband.

RedXIV

I'm with Carrigart Exile, for possibly one of the greatest ideas i've ever seen on boards. While personally, i'd like to know if i was being cheated on, i can't pretend to know how the wife in this case might react. Stick with Carrigart Exile's idea

Liam Byrne

Here's my take on it.

1) You did nothing wrong, OP, so your conscience is clear
2) Forget the wife for a sec; you hooked up with someone that you've since found out is a prick and, if he said he hates lies, a complete hypocrite

If it wasn't someone who was married, you'd just chalk it down to experience and walk away.

Next time he rings, tell him to leave you alone.

Remember, he's obviously a good liar; if you tell the wife and she quizzes him on it, he could convince her that you're some stalker with a crush that's trying to ruin his marraige because he turned you down, or something like that, and you're the one who'll come off looking bad, even though you did nothing wrong.

So walk away and forget about it, and don't let it eat you up.....some people aren't worth getting stressed over.

herya

How Strange wrote: »

Trying to empathise with the wife and wondering how we would feel in her situation is a classic way of justifying our desire for revenge; I'm only doing it out of concern for his wife. Ultimately, you'll make your announcement to the wife and then head off feeling slightly better in yourself that you did the 'right thing'. However, in reality you just leave behind the carnage for her to sort out.

Not really. I've never been in OP's situation but if I was the wife, I'd definitely want to KNOW too. What to do with this knowledge is another matter, but OP is not trying to force the wife to leave him. What if the cheating continues and the wife loses another couple of years with the cheater - when KNOWING she'd rather saved her youth to spend with a better guy?

In fact, I had a situation like this in my family (I was a child then) - everybody knew the guy is cheating apart from his wife. After several years she found out and left him immediately. Later she was telling that the humiliation of NOT KNOWING was worse than humiliation of being cheated on.

suimhneas

dont know whether is right or wrong but i would tel the wife, feck sake he is 27 so how long can he be married? Tell her now and stop her making an idiot of herself for the next 50 add years she might just be greatful in time

tritium

For what its worth OP my 2cents would be to tell the wife, though it sounds like on some level you've already decided to do so.

People have said that you could hurt her and ruin the marriage. My take is you're not the one who went looking to lie their way into an affair, and ultimately its the husband who is doing the hurting here. The only part you get to play is whether or not you want to decide the timing of it. In my experience people like this will keep this carry on going as long as they can, and eventually they will get caught. My take is that on some level its better to let the wife know sooner and decide if she really wants to spend the rest of her life with a cheating loser. Others have said that what goes on in a marriage is only the business of those in the marriage - respectfully I diasagree in this specific case. You have been involved with one of the participants in the marriage and openly lied to, and I would feel you are entitled to make the (now apparent) truth as open as you wish. When he choose to have a relationship with you, however casual, he choose to involve you in his personal life, and unfortunately as a married man that personal life includes his wife.

As someone else pointed out you're entitled to a clear conscience and you had one at the start of this. If you feel that telling his wife is the way to move back towards this then by all means do so. However I've known people who have taken this route before, and I'd warn you that they haven't always gotten back to where they want to be. Only you know if you need to do this, or if its the right thing for you to do.

On another note OP guys like this in my humble experience tend to string from affair to affair. Unless you were careful about protection I'd suggest having STI testing to be sure you caught nothing from him. Hopefully his wife is also in the clear.

Good luck

kelly1979

[QUOTE=Not my business to get involved? - He made it my business when he made me the other woman! [/QUOTE]

couldnt have said it better myself, i like the idea that someone had about sending an anomynous (*spelling!) letter, why should he get away with it and get another opportunity to humilate his wife in the future?

i think it was an unfair comment earlier on by someone who was questioning how the OP couldnt have known this man was married.:mad:

STUBBORNGIRL

Hey OP

i think the simple solution here is to take no further action - that also goes for not meeting up with that loser of a guy again. Do not answer his calls do not even let him know what he has done wrong. Go on with your life the way it was before he came into it.

More often than not women have a sneaky suspicion that their husbands are cheating but prefer not to believe it. Do not give anyone the upperhand in life.It will all come out sooner or later. What have you to lose either way.

By choosing not to say anything - things will be no different and you can carry on. Should you choose to tell her then you risk having her on your back, you dont know she could be a psycho (or really appreciative) finding out would be a risk! -have you ever heard of the phrase "the messenger always gets shot" YOu only stand to lose! believe me! i lost a friend years ago because i told her that her boyfriend at the time was cheating on her! Now i wasnt the other woman but after her reaction i am glad i wasnt! She chose him over me! I was the jealous interfering friend that she didnt want anything to do with.

Now Finally i ask the Question " what have you got to lose by saying nothing" - a cheater that is all!! now do what is right and go and make the life you deserve for yourself with some nice decent guy and pray that you are never that other woman!

Best of luck in whatever course of action you choose! Please let us know! Curiousity and all that

Maggie Simpson

For what it's worth stay out of other people's marriages if you can help it (and I know he involved you in his life but he didn't involve you in his marriage)

Here's a little story......a few years ogo I was on holidays in UK and met this guy (let's call him Matt cause that was his name). Matt knew a friend of mine (they had worked together in Oz years back) and as we were in Matt's neck of the woods, my friend arranged for us to go for lunch. We got on great. Nothing happened, we all had lunch & a few drinks & when we got home, my friend told me that Matt really liked me & had asked for my number so I said yes. So, for about 3 weeks he texted/phoned every day. We got on great, lots of online chatting etc. and eventually he said he wanted to come to Ireland to meet me again & his brother would come too so that there wouldn't be so much pressure. Great I thought......etc

About a week before he was due to come over I got a call out of the blue from - you guessed - Matt's wife. How long had we been in contact, had we slept together, why was he coming to Dublin to meet me? All in all I'd say I had about 4 phone calls with her. I felt really sorry for her & told her EVERYTHING - even about his brother coming over too (cause he knew all about it). For weeks after, she kept texting me asking if he'd been in touch & he kept texting me saying his marriage was over & he was so sorry he'd lied etc etc BS.

All I'm saying is that this sorry tale told me NEVER to get involved in someone else's marriage, even if you get dragged into it. Was a total head-wreck from beginning to end.

LegacyUser

I can sympathise with the OP and actually it is pretty easy to be duped by a guy like this they are usually expert liars! Especially if you only have a brief relationship its not lik eyou will be askign them where they were and what they were doing if you have only been together a few weeks. Its so awful to unwittingly be the 'other woman' as no matter what you are branded as the problem!

I went out for a brief while with a guy years ago. he was always telling these sad stories about how awful his ex was, she wouldnt ket him see his kid, she cheated etc etc. Everyone believed this his friends, work colleagues etc
anyway long story short we broke up. turned out he had been living with the 'ex' the whole time!
i didnt tell her and actually I was glad I didnt as it turned out she had been cheating on him at the same time so the relationship was FUBAR from the start with the two of them.

Does the wife have a right to know? probably but do you really want to cause yourself so much grief? She will probably balme you or worse will torment you wanting details, he will probably give you grief too. For those who say it may ruin their marraige as far as I am concerned its ruined anyway if he is cheating. She may already suspect he is cheating, she may be cheating herself or she may be one of these sad women who know he is cheating but turn a blind eye you never know. Either way there will be rumours and stories and you will be stuck in the middle

I think the idea of saying you sent a letter is a brilliant one scare the git a bit

Carrigart Exile

RedXIV wrote: »

I'm with Carrigart Exile, for possibly one of the greatest ideas i've ever seen on boards. While personally, i'd like to know if i was being cheated on, i can't pretend to know how the wife in this case might react. Stick with Carrigart Exile's idea

aw shucks thanks......do I get a monetary reward?:cool::D

daisey

oh no, oh no! wrote: »

To start with I do not like when people cheat.

Anyway, I started seeing a guy last summer. I'm in my early 20's, he's 27. I never knew that he was married! I only found out this a few days ago. He had emailed me to meet up again this summer. I don't like him anymore and I think he is a complete jerk but my problem is should I tell his wife? Or should I just confront him and tell him I know he is married and see what he has to say? I think my main thing about this is that he was trying to continue to cheat on her with me this summer and I feel bad.[/quote
i hate cheaters if i was the misses id like to know if he was cheating on me cos i wouldnt would to waste my life with someone the dosent appreciate you or that is dishonest, but on the other hand if you did tell her she might not believe you and accuse u of all sorts( which seems to happen alot when a concerned mate might inform her pal about wat her hubby gets up to it tends to backfire on the friend:o)

[Jackass]

I'd let him know that you know and you don't want anything to do with him and tell him you think it's decitful and disgusting what he did. On the off chance that this might make him wake up, realise how terrible it is and not do it again.

However I don't think you have any responsability to tell the wife. These are peoples lives you're messing with, and although it's terrible, you can't interfere and you just have to let it take it's natural course imo.

It's sh*t and it's a horrible situation to be in, but maybe in one scenario, she never knows and then he cops on and suddenly the relationship becomes perfect and they live happily ever after and have a long and very happy, loyal and fulfilling marriage...or maybe you tell her and they split up and are miserable and she never manages to move on she's so hurt and devistated and ends up living a sad and lonely depressed life with 15 cats for company...

Extreme examples, but I'm just saying, if the woman was given the choice in the final moments of her life which scenario she would have prefered, I'm sure she would choose the not knowing and happily ever after..but I just don't think it's your place to make the choice for her...just let nature take it's course imo..

Earthhorse

If a husband is beating his wife and I know about it I choose to do nothing as, honestly, I believe these situations are best sorted out in the marriage itself. None of my business. I also operate a policy of not stopping at accidents because, hey, how do I know what's going on in a person's life? Maybe they wanted to crash their car. In fact, they probably enjoyed it.

Stay anonymous wrote: »

Send his wife an anonymous letter with a detail that only someone who'd slept with him would know. She may not believe it, but at least it'll put her on alert and she'll catch him next time (if she wants to).
Do not speak to or otherwise contact the wife as she'll undoubtedly project her anger onto you. Ignore the husband.

Honestly, I think this is the best approach and is certainly the only way to go if you intend on informing the wife. It allows her make her own decision as to what to do next. If she knows, and doesn't want to rock the boat (which, by the way, I think is astronomicaly unlikely) then sending an anonymous letter doesn't force her hand. If she doesn't know, and cares, she can confront him. He'll of course deny everything, he might even be expert at it, but that really doesn't matter. Give her the information. Let her make her own decision.

You would swear that the marriage was somehow more sacrosanct than the people involved in it, something he has shown to be false by his infidelity.

dade

oh no, oh no! wrote: »

To start with I do not like when people cheat.

Anyway, I started seeing a guy last summer. I'm in my early 20's, he's 27. I never knew that he was married! I only found out this a few days ago. He had emailed me to meet up again this summer.

op when was the last time you saw him? i assume it was toward the end of the summer last year. why the loss of contact? if you haven't seen him since then maybe send him a pic of you holding a new born baby or photoshop one to make you look like you're about to pop with the caption calling him daddy, that might cause him to run a mile.