Shallow Hal?

LegacyUser

Nutshell - 29 yo male.

Met an amazing girl recently. Gorgeous eyes, smile....intelligent, outspoken,confident....fantastic in every way...a diamond.

A bit overweight.

Can't get over it.....wanna kiss her everytime I see her, but a bit overweight.

Is it doomed?

Am I a shallow bast*rd?

Wagon

Yeah a bit.

Feelgood

Nutshell....

STFU

Esel

Dnftt

Overheal

you sound like a shallow troll of a gent alright.

Krsnik87

Everyone has there hold-ups about looks regardless of personallity, anyone who says they don't is lying... Once your not holding back because of what your mates will think, you get a bit of stick but have a gander at what you get in return...

As always in situations like these its up to yourself what YOU think and what YOU want to do.

Best of luck with it anyway mate.

The Sweeper

No idea if you're shallow, because I've no idea what she looks like.

You could be the sort of fool who thinks a size 12, 5ft 6" girl is overweight. You could be looking at a girl who's 14 stone and saying "she's a bit overweight".

Sangre

if you think shes attractive but won't go out with her because she is overweight, then yes, thats pretty much the epitomy of being shallow.

Carrigart Exile

see when you are 40, married to some skinny lass who is forever on your case moaning and greeting that she is gorgeous and should have married someone better, etc remember this time. And, if you meet the 'overweight' girl around this time with her happy smiling husband and probably a couple of nice kids don't start wishing for what you threw away.

Sangre

yeah, because all skinny girls are stuck up cows.

Pub07

Carrigart Exile wrote: »

see when you are 40, married to some skinny lass who is forever on your case moaning and greeting that she is gorgeous and should have married someone better, etc remember this time. And, if you meet the 'overweight' girl around this time with her happy smiling husband and probably a couple of nice kids don't start wishing for what you threw away.

Another way of looking at it would be - you meet the 'overweight' girl around this time and now she has let herself go completely, another 3 or 4 stone heavier, and you would have zero interest in her and you say thank god I didn't make that mistake. One of the reasons, not the only one before someone flames me, I broke up with my ex was cos she was letting her self go weight wise. She had put on 1.5-2 stone in the last year I was with and its not like she could afford to, met her again a month ago and she's piled on another one - she's a good looking girl so she probably thinks she can get away with it, I spose she is to a certain extent but I lost all attraction for her.

Anyway without knowing how overweight the girl in question is its hard to say if the op is being a bit shallow or not. Everyone has their limits of how much they can take, I'm never doing a fat bird again thats for sure.

Dizzyblonde

Yes.

Are we to believe that you yourself are a perfect specimen? Are you sure you're never going to lose your hair or get a beer gut?

milod

Sangre wrote: »

yeah, because all skinny girls are stuck up cows.

Well observed...

where do these cliches come from

I've a huge knob*, so women automatically think I must be an arrogant and selfish lover...

*terms and conditions apply, knob may only be huge when viewed through a magnifying glass.

Seriously though OP, your reluctance stems from your own insecurity about being seen with a girl you consider to be overweight. Deal with your own issues before you feck up someone else's life...

McGinty

Yes you are. Also she can't be that amazing otherwise you would not see her weight issue, you would just see she is amazing. I suggest you don't go there because in my opinion the worst a person can do is try to change a girlfriend/boyfriend after a period of time.

RedXIV

Krsnik87 wrote: »

Everyone has there hold-ups about looks regardless of personallity, anyone who says they don't is lying... Once your not holding back because of what your mates will think, you get a bit of stick but have a gander at what you get in return...

As always in situations like these its up to yourself what YOU think and what YOU want to do.

Best of luck with it anyway mate.

+1
Its nearly impossible to get someone to admit it these days but guys do judge, harshly sometimes, by appearance.
OP, i'm not gonna lie to you, you ARE coming across as a bit shallow, but i don't know the whole story so who am i to judge, that's grand, thats your issue. DON'T do what my mate did, hook up and straight away suggest going to the gym together, changing diets, taking up sports. That just makes you a pr**k

TerrorFirmer

Yeah because you've already admitted that you find her attractive in the first place. Where's the problem? Not liking someone because they're overweight is not shallow, being attracted to someone immensely but unsure about them simply because they're a bit overweight is.

LegacyUser

Thanks for those replies!

I think what my mates would say is the only thing....but that is stupid alright. I would never try and change someone to suit me by the way.

gogglebok

I don't see what's so shallow about having physical preferences, but I have no idea what you can do about it. If it's a deal-breaker, I guess, don't get involved.

People change in relationships. You may find you like her look more and more. Or she may lose weight. Or your tastes may get skinnier and skinnier, and she may balloon. It's all a gamble. And I'm being really unhelpful, I know.

If you do get involved, however, I would tread really delicately. There's hardly a woman alive whose confidence can't be shattered with an off-hand word. I wouldn't buy her a stairmaster for her birthday, or grit my teeth whenever she orders dessert. A confident woman who is carrying a couple of imperfections is so much more fun than a beaten-down beauty.

MIN2511

Dude; you are not shallow you just don't know what you want.

When you like someone and want to be with the person, he's or her physical attributes shouldn't stop you.
Are you ashamed of what your friends/family would say when they see ye together?

As a size 14 female(a bit overweight; but all in the right places) i would be quite offended if a guy thought this about me.... And personally would not want to be associated with you....

My 2c is if her size is a problem then you have a problem


btw how big is she?

WEST

Sangre wrote: »

if you think shes attractive but won't go out with her because she is overweight, then yes, thats pretty much the epitomy of being shallow.

We all a bit shallow then. OP, best thing you can do is at least date her. You could be surprised and find you dont care about her weight any more.

Dudess

I constantly rail against the way guys can't dare, around these parts, admit they're losing sexual attraction to girlfriends due to weight gain... However in this case I think the OP feels he's too good for a girl who's, as he says himself, "a bit" overweight, and it's this that's concerning him - not a lack of attraction to her. He's made it clear he is attracted to her - he wouldn't be posting if he wasn't.
Plus he's probably worried about how others will perceive him for going out with a girl who's "a bit" overweight (remember, "a bit", not "a lot").

So yeah, you're fantastically shallow. Horribly so.

Loopy

I agree with Dudess.

The fact that you started a thread to ask if people think your shallow or not sort of says it all. I think you know you are..

How overweight is she? If you find her attractive and you want to kiss her why don't you?..

RealEstateKing

Firstly, sooner or later you are going to have to learn to see sexual attraction as coming from something other than looks.

The reason for this is simple: Women are only conventionally attractive for a comparably short period of their lives From 18-late 30's or so. and Irish women in particular lose those looks very early.

Whoever you stay with, eventually their looks will fade. If you don't educate yourself that sexiness comes far more from passion and attitude than anything else, you will end up in an awful unhappy state when you're older.

smellybiker

i do think you are definitely being a bit shallow but you know what - everyone is shallow when it comes to the laws of attraction.
us girls can get on our high horse and say how dare you, you ignoramus but tbh, we all have our biases when meeting someone for the first time.
evaluate how you really feel about her - if you think you can put the weight to one side and be with her for who she is and not her size - go for it.
but if you don't think that you can put her weight out of your head - please don't go there coz i will guarantee you right now, it don't matter how gorgous a gal is - if she's overweight - she knows it and she feels it harshly so she don't need anyone else drawing attention to it!

Victor

Feelgood wrote: »

Nutshell.... STFU

Cop on.

Banned for a week.

Carrigart Exile

Shallow? wrote: »

Thanks for those replies!

I think what my mates would say is the only thing....but that is stupid alright. I would never try and change someone to suit me by the way.

That's my issue with your story, you are 29 not 14, you are all the man you will ever be and still you worry what your mates will think

Overheal

At the base level sexual attraction governs who we procreate with, sir. Yes a very fit woman is obviously the pristine choice but there are hundreds of other factors to consider and a lot of it has to do with how well you get on with the person, their personality, etc. etc. In contrast, looks will only account for so much of that. A mere fraction.

You said it yourself she's a diamond in the rough. Come to your senses.

neuro-praxis

I think you should leave her alone. I'm not sure you're ready for an adult relationship if you make relationship choices based on magazine ideals and the opinions of your peer group. The issue here is not whether or not you find her attractive in spite of her weight (you clearly do), it's that you're worried she's not enough of a trophy for you. She's better off out of it in that case.

jimmycrackcorm

Op - this guy might help you....

http://www.tonyrobbins.com/Home/Home.aspx

vorbis

RealEstateKing wrote: »

Firstly, sooner or later you are going to have to learn to see sexual attraction as coming from something other than looks.

The reason for this is simple: Women are only conventionally attractive for a comparably short period of their lives From 18-late 30's or so. and Irish women in particular lose those looks very early.

Whoever you stay with, eventually their looks will fade. If you don't educate yourself that sexiness comes far more from passion and attitude than anything else, you will end up in an awful unhappy state when you're older.

Am I the only one who finds this quote really scary!
There is no legitimate reason why most people can't keep themselves in at least some shape throughout their lives. Sexual attraction is primarily looks based for guys. You can talk all you want about passion but if your wife has piled on 3 stone then attraction goes out the window.

To the OP, only you can decide whether the weight issue bothers you enough to stop you going out with her. If its not much, I wouldn't worry about it. The danger in these situations is that it will gradually grow.

Carrigart Exile

vorbis wrote: »

Am I the only one who finds this quote really scary!
There is no legitimate reason why most people can't keep themselves in at least some shape throughout their lives. Sexual attraction is primarily looks based for guys. You can talk all you want about passion but if your wife has piled on 3 stone then attraction goes out the window.

To the OP, only you can decide whether the weight issue bothers you enough to stop you going out with her. If its not much, I wouldn't worry about it. The danger in these situations is that it will gradually grow.

Vorbis you speak for yourself, not mankind

RealEstateKing

There is no legitimate reason why most people can't keep themselves in at least some shape throughout their lives.

Um, that would be true if it weren't for a little thing called 'age'. It happens to everybody, despite what Laboratoire Garnier might tell you.

And it looks like this:

Bridgitte Bardot then: http://farm1.static.flickr.com/17/22284967_8d1af39339.jpg

And Bridgette Bardot now:

http://www.edmontonsun.com/News/Canada/2006/03/22/BC-Bardot-Seal-Hunt-TOPIX-1.jpg

Get used to it.

TerrorFirmer

RealEstateKing wrote: »

Um, that would be true if it weren't for a little thing called 'age'. It happens to everybody, despite what Laboratoire Garnier might tell you.

And it looks like this:

Bridgitte Bardot then: http://farm1.static.flickr.com/17/22284967_8d1af39339.jpg

And Bridgette Bardot now:

http://www.edmontonsun.com/News/Canada/2006/03/22/BC-Bardot-Seal-Hunt-TOPIX-1.jpg

Get used to it.

Jesus I didn't realise Bridgette Bardot was in her 30's in that second picture. :rolleyes:

There's a world of difference between someone loosing their looks in their 70's and 30's and using using the former as evidence of your wild claim.

Naturally age comes into it, no one was advocating that you can maintain your youthful looks as you grow older but there is a process called 'aging gracefully' that refers to an individual doing all they can to be healthy, active and well taken care off. It's not difficult. And it works.

Plus, to incite that people loose their looks at 30's simply because of age is a joke. Yes, they might loose their looks due to other factors - weight gain, etc. But point out to be somebody that lost their looks in the transition from 20's to 30's as a result of natural aging within a consistent lifestyle....

I think it's you needs to get with reality.

PS - here is Brigette in her 30's. Total eyesore, isn't she?

RealEstateKing

Most people have lost a lot of their conventional good looks by the time they're 40, whether they've put on weight or not.

Its just nature. Have a couple of kids, endure the stresses and strains of live and you too will get old.

Sexual attraction is primarily looks based for guys

Its starts with that sure. But if the guy has any depth at all he realises eventually that it's about a good bit more than that. If he doesnt, he ends up a pathetic single 50 year old who takes his 'holidays' in Bangkok every year for some reason.

Dudess

RealEstateKing wrote: »

Most people have lost a lot of their conventional good looks by the time they're 40, whether they've put on weight or not.

And obviously by "people" you mean women. Not true by the way. If a woman "loses her looks" by her late 30s it's because of a crap lifestyle, not ageing. Sure, she'll have crow's feet and lines on her forehead but she won't quite be on a par with a 70-year-old.

RealEstateKing

I do. Is there supposed to be a point in there somewhere?

Women are considered conventionally attractive when they are young, men can remain "Silver foxes" a-la George Clooney for a good bit longer. Not saying it's fair, but it's probably based on something to do with fertility.

You seem to think Im implying that by the time women are 40 they'll look like Bridget Bardot in her 70's. Of course Im not.

I'm merely saying that, by around the age of 40, in the REAL world, not the celebrity one of macrobiotic diets, personal trainers and botox for breakfast, most women arent looking half as good as they were at 21 (or men either), and that the OP had better start trying to focus on thinking more deeply about sexuality.

Looks are the "peacocks feathers" that attract us to a person who is sexy. But lord knows, real sexy comes from within. I've been with a few lookers who were starfish in the sack, and Ive been with a few plain -lookers who just had a passion and intensity that'd kill ya.

Now does that mean I'd look down on a guy for not wanting to sleep with, say, JO Brand? No. I wouldnt want to sleep with her either. But the type of guy that gets sniffy about a perfectly attractive girl, simply cause she's got slightly larger than average thighs or something, is probably the type of guy who doesnt realise that there is another dimension to sex.

pebblesjm

Quote:
Originally Posted by RealEstateKing
Firstly, sooner or later you are going to have to learn to see sexual attraction as coming from something other than looks.

The reason for this is simple: Women are only conventionally attractive for a comparably short period of their lives From 18-late 30's or so. and Irish women in particular lose those looks very early.

Whoever you stay with, eventually their looks will fade. If you don't educate yourself that sexiness comes far more from passion and attitude than anything else, you will end up in an awful unhappy state when you're older.

vorbis wrote: »

Am I the only one who finds this quote really scary!
There is no legitimate reason why most people can't keep themselves in at least some shape throughout their lives. Sexual attraction is primarily looks based for guys. You can talk all you want about passion but if your wife has piled on 3 stone then attraction goes out the window.

What I find SCARY is that ass that thinks Irish women get particularly old sooner than ANYONE ELSE ON THE PLANET as he is implying:mad: So do Irish guys stay in an adonis like state all their lives....NO they don't. But thats not waht matters sexiness comes from more than physical attributes, OP a realtionship with a dumbass is boring whatever size they are!!

That said, being unheathily overweight should not be glorified with sentiments like 'big is beautiful' and I stress UNHEALTHY big not just a stone over! etc, cos that just propogates a culture of excuses and rhetoric that's be worth sfa when half the pop has type II diabetes!!

And to the poster who called all skinny girls cows.....sound like you got burned by one, but guess what some girls are just cows regardless of their size, as the 'skinny' one in my group of friends I'm often dismissed as the skinny b**** when opinions on outfits, food etc are sought...and I really don't like that, it that happened to a 'fat' girl it would be discrimination, lots of hipocracy out there!!:rolleyes:

Ok on topic again...OP try going out on a few dates with that girl and do kiss her, you'll prob be pleasantly surprised, we all have doubts when starting out and a relationship, its natural cos usually we're scared of commitment etc, usually spending time with someone changes perspective, but if it doesn't head off for different pastures and don't set about 'changing' her, it never works!

RealEstateKing

What I find SCARY is that ass that thinks Irish women get particularly old sooner than ANYONE ELSE ON THE PLANET as he is implying So do Irish guys stay in an adonis like state all their lives....NO they don't.

I agree. Irish men also age quite early and are probably the least Adonis-like in Europe. Your point is?

Generally speaking, pale Celtic skin tends to show the signs of aging (and illness and unhealth) more easily than darker skin.

All I said was that if the OP wants to be as obsessed about looks as a Beverly Hills cosmetic surgeon, he's probably picking the wrong country to do so in.

pebblesjm

Hmm Irish lads get a hard time too, but they're not half as bad as some people think, in fact Irish guys are my favourite!!!! IMO you can't beat a nice irish fella!!:D

Listen we are what we are and as long as we don't abuse food, drink, the sun etc we've as much a chance as being a very attractive nation, unfortunately the problem is there are a large crowd of us that are just a bit too 'irish' to take care of themselves properly!

Dudess

RealEstateKing wrote: »

I do. Is there supposed to be a point in there somewhere?

Yes. You said "people" when you meant "women" - why not come right out and say "women"?

You seem to think Im implying that by the time women are 40 they'll look like Bridget Bardot in her 70's. Of course Im not.

No I don't. I think you're saying, not implying, that women's looks go in their late 30s. Although you did use a picture of a shrivelled up, elderly Brigitte Bardot to illustrate your point.

I'm merely saying that, by around the age of 40, in the REAL world, not the celebrity one of macrobiotic diets, personal trainers and botox for breakfast, most women arent looking half as good as they were at 21 (or men either), and that the OP had better start trying to focus on thinking more deeply about sexuality.

Ah... So now you're saying women in their late 30s/early 40s don't look half as good as they did at 21 - not that their looks are gone (which is what you said originally). Big difference.

RealEstateKing

Whaddya want me to give you a year?

Ok, here you go: Every woman's looks diminish by 74% on the 11th hour of the 34th day of her 39th year at precisecly 2 O' Clock P.M. Ya Happy?

No I don't. I think you're saying, not implying, that women's looks go in their late 30s.

I said in my original post that most women have lost a lot of their looks by the time their in the late 30s. Whats is so difficult for you to understand about that?

You're simply looking for an arguement where there isnt one.

Dudess

Look, I know what you're saying - that the OP should bear in mind looks don't last forever, but you're making generalisations about women which pander to a lot of sexist, ageist sh1t which gets thrown at us. I'm not saying you're sexist or ageist but you're throwing out these early ages at which looks supposedly "go" and I think you're wrong.

aislingm137

I dont understand. if she is as beautiful as u say she is and great in personality then i dont know how her being abit overweight can put you off at all? maybe she is always abit overweight and that is the shape her body is. i think its very sad shallowness is very sad

RealEstateKing

generalisations about women cause the OP in question is talking about a woman. And remember I meant this in terms of whats meant by "Conventionally attractive" - firm breasts, pert bum, smoothe skin, bright eyes, and all the rest. If you can manage to hang on to those past about 40, good on ya, but it aint normal. I fail to see where the sexism is in saying that.

As far as "Ageism" is concerned, that would apply if we were talking about applying for a job or something. But as far as the general public are concerned, women look better when they're young than they do when they're old. You can argue the whys and wherefores of this, if you like, but dont call me "ageist" for mentioning it.

Go into a newsagent, have a look a the magazines on sale: The men's magazines are covered in pictures of .... attractive young women. And the womens magazines? Also covered in pictures of attractive young women. Why do you think this is?

Jigsaw

I think it is impossible to definitively answer the OP's question without knowing exactly what the girl in question looks like.

I mean, if she is like this

http://www.worldofstock.com/slides/PHE1912.jpg

then fair enough, because sexual attraction is an important part of any relationship and I cannot see how you could be sexually attracted to a woman like that.

If, however, she is like this

http://www.dailymail.co.uk/pages/live/articles/news/news.html?in_article_id=489566&in_page_id=1770&in_page_id=1770&expand=true

then he is being a bit shallow.

That, of course, is merely my own opinion, and one that I express in the full knowledge that I am no adonis myself. I could do with losing a couple of stone and I imagine that if I did I would certainly appear more attractive to the opposite sex.

carolmon

OP
I think sexual attraction is something we have very little control over, it seems to be hard wired into our psyches.

However I feel that the question "am I shallow" is missing the point.

It really should be "am I immature and too much of a wimp to follow my own attraction in case I don't get approval from my mates"

I mean you fancy the arse off this woman, you want to kiss her every time you're near her, so your sexual attraction to her is not the issue here, I can understand people being turned off by body type/ weight etc but that is not the case.
Do you get to vet/ pass comment on all your mate's girlfriends?

At the end of the day it's your life, but believe me if I met somebody who sparked that amount of desire in me I'd be after them like a shot!

ps RealEstateKing
I get your point totally, sexiness and desire are about so much more than conventional prettiness (thank god cos I'm in my 40's and have entered the downhill stage by your theory)
Carol

gogglebok

RealEstateKing wrote: »

The reason for this is simple: Women are only conventionally attractive for a comparably short period of their lives From 18-late 30's or so. and Irish women in particular lose those looks very early.

Are you sure this is true? I find as I get older that the range of people I'm attracted to gets older too. I hope when I'm eighty I'll be hobbling after 75-85 year olds.

But I guess that's why you say "conventionally", right? Do you think when you're a good deal older you'll still be attracted to the women you find attractive now?

(I know I have no idea what age you are, so apologies for the assumptions.)

AARRRGH

Shallow? wrote: »

Am I a shallow bast*rd?

I apologise in advance, as I have not read all the replies so far.

To answer your question: no, you're not shallow. The term "shallow" is bull**** anyway.

You don't like overweight women. That's totally fine.

We all discriminate in some way or another, e.g. don't like skinny people, don't like obese people, don't like nerds, don't like material people, etc.

Spend your life doing the things you like doing, and around the people you like being around, and you'll be a lot closer to happiness than the angry politically correct folk.

Gemini Sister

RealEstateKing wrote: »

Firstly, sooner or later you are going to have to learn to see sexual attraction as coming from something other than looks.

The reason for this is simple: Women are only conventionally attractive for a comparably short period of their lives From 18-late 30's or so. and Irish women in particular lose those looks very early.

QUOTE]


You're hilarious! Fact of life - none of us are getting prettier, that includes George Clooney!
Though I'm not sure us Irish age much worse that other white folk, the foreign white people we see here tend to be in their 20s/30s, they look a bit different when you see the whole spectrum of ages in their own countries... though our skin really has to be kept in the shade to last... but getting back to the point...

So ya think looks don't matter cause we all age?
Well i say if someone is dodgy looking at 25 imagine what you'll be waking up to when they're 50!

Its the difference between my old Granny and Sophia Loren
(but of course my old Gran had a great 'personality' hehe)....

Back to the point... its ok to feel a bit insecure about your partners looks at first, cause if you fall for them it won't matter, and if you don't, well... you may still have discovered the joys of chunky love... yes, its TRUE what they say, you can't beat a porker in bed... you, OP, may yet discover a lifetime yen for chubby chasing. Enjoy

GA361

Run to da hills.
SERIOUSLY though,you shouldn't commit yourself to anything you feel apprehansive about.

Dudess

dublindude wrote: »

To answer your question: no, you're not shallow. The term "shallow" is bull**** anyway.

You don't like overweight women. That's totally fine.

We all discriminate in some way or another, e.g. don't like skinny people, don't like obese people, don't like nerds, don't like material people, etc.

Spend your life doing the things you like doing, and around the people you like being around, and you'll be a lot closer to happiness than the angry politically correct folk.

Dublindude, your post annoys me. I'm constantly defending guys who come here to say they're no longer as attracted to their girlfriends due to weight gain, but this is an entirely different scenario. The OP is attracted to this girl - he says he just wants to snog her the whole time. But he's holding back because she's, as he says, "a little" overweight - not "a lot". This little bit of extra weight is not affecting his attraction to her, instead he's worried about what his friends will think and probably feels she's not good enough for an adonis like him. He's 29 - it's pathetic.
You seem to have interpreted it as: he doesn't fancy her because she's overweight. I mean really. Why the hell would he start a thread because there's this girl he doesn't fancy because she's overweight?!
It's got nothing to do with political correctness, it's got everything to do with him being shallow - yes, he is shallow.