Should I tell..

Jessers

A few weeks ago, I had sex with someone I really liked and have known for about 6 months.

It ended badly as he admitted he had been using me and had pretty much said all the right things to get into my pants.

We are not talking at the moment.

Ive found out that im pregnant (condom slipped off). I do not want to have it.

Im going to go to England and, you know.... (never thought this would be me).

Should I tell him? I think I should but im afraid if I do, he'l just think its some ploy by me and will think im a psycho. I think he has a right to know though.

Help! thanks

finbarrk

Maybe tell him afterwards, in case he does anything to make you change your mind, which it seems that you have a decision made.

ChocolateSauce

He has a right to know, but no right to decide matters pertaining to your body. Tell him before you do it, but only a day or so.

Jessers

Is it not bad to tell him afterwards though? In that case there would be no point in telling him at all cos the deed is done sort of thing.

There is no way he can change my mind anyway. He doesnt even fancy me - which he kindly informed me after the event. So there would be no option of 'making it work' etc etc.

My father is dying at the moment and my family could not deal with this additional stress. I know I should have gotten the morning after pill but I so didnt think I was pregnant. Im only recently off the depo provera about 6 months, plus I dont think he'd came when the condom slipped off. Just goes to show, eh!

I never thought id ever have an abortion - I feel sick even thinking about it. I just dunno what to do.

Bottle_of_Smoke

If you have the abortion don't tell him. Would be a horrible thing to find out. Plus he may tell people you killed his child without telling him - how's that going to hit your reputation/confidence?

If you're having doubts about it then maybe discuss it with him. How old are you? Perhaps your dad would love to hear he's going to have a grandchild. Even if he won't be around I'd imagine it's a nice thing to hear on your deathbed.

bee_dix

noway you changing yor mind? id say tel em nowt if u dont want it could make it guilt trip for you so do whats best for you and forget one timer 2cents sorry

Jessers

No, I dont think I could change my mind.

I'm not ready for parenthood. My family are going through enough. And I dont want a child by that pr*ck.

I just thought he had a right to know, even if he is a prick. It would somehow feel wrong if I didnt tell him.

I dont think he'd want some minger (not what I think of me, more like what he thinks of me) that he doesnt even like having his baby anyway. So I doubt there would be a guilt trip involved.

estar

im so sorry for the difficult situation you are in.

my heart goes out to you.

he probably has a right to know, although hasnt been very nice so far.

can you trust him not to abuse this information if you do tell him?

have you told any of your friends / people that can support you?

he sounds very immature. im not going to tell you if having an abortion
is a good or bad idea, but i can tell you that make your decision
quickly, get some support making it, and then try not to beat yourself up.

not many people in this world live in a clean black and white world
where decisions are good or bad, right or wrong.

the fact of the matter is that both decisions are difficult, and
require a lot of sacrifice on your part, and if the father of the child
can be of support to you then tell him. if you feel that he would
increase your burden, and make life more difficult for you, then
i personally wouldnt tell him, as you dont have a good relationship,
you both were using contraception at the time, which means that
you werent trying for a baby, and in this circumstance, it might
make things easier. if you tell him and he breaks your confidance
it might make your situation worse.

i am not saying that in every situation the dad doesnt have a right
to know. suss out with him a possible reaction perhaps, if you can.

my main advice to you, is dont go through either option alone.
people are usually far more understanding than you might think.

positive options also have loads of experience dealing with
people in situations just like yours,

i wish you the very best.

ZENER

If you did tell him prior to the act is there anything legal he could do to attempt to stop you ? If there is and you're determined not to be a parent just yet then I'd go with not telling him at all.

ZEN

Jessers

Estar - thank you for taking the time to write such a detailed and helpful post. You have no idea how much I appreciate it.:)

Jessers

ZENER wrote: »

If you did tell him prior to the act is there anything legal he could do to attempt to stop you ? If there is and you're determined not to be a parent just yet then I'd go with not telling him at all.

ZEN

Does anyone know the legalities to the above? F*ck, I never even thought of the legal side of things.

Christ, what a mess.

gamer

basically you had a 1 night stand with a bloke, you have no real relationship with him ,so i cannot think of a reason why you should tell him ,its your right to go to england , so go ,keep it simple,say nothing unless you wish to get into a serious relationship with an selfish idiot ,which is unlikely ,he ,ll just assume it was another meaningless 1night stand .HAVE nothing more to do with him.Not to be rude ,but this is a common situation ,so most women end up going to england as if you despise him,why would you want to bear his child .

Jessers

The only thing that ties us is that we go to college together.

We will continue to be in college together for 2 more years.

We were seeing each other on and off for about 3 months. I put out when he said he wanted to make a go of it. After it happened, he said how he really felt.

roundcrisis

best of luck to you

I think every girl in the planet has some idea of what you are going through, we all feared it at some point so I hope you can find your way out .
In hard times people come throu even people you really dont expect to. so talk to people you feel comfortable with it helps loads.

If he is a prick really, i would probably not tell him, he might make the situation harder. Do what you think and feel is the right thing to do. Dont forget we ALL make mistakes


best wishes

Chinafoot

This guy used and abused you. He has let you know in no uncertain terms that he has absolutely no interest in you now that he got his bit. Don't waste any more time even thinking about him.

Take the support of those close to you that you can trust and go to England for the abortion.

I don't think you need to tell him, and tbh from what you've said, I really don't think he'd care even if you did.

Best of luck with everything.

aidan24326

Jessers wrote: »

Does anyone know the legalities to the above? F*ck, I never even thought of the legal side of things.

Christ, what a mess.

Doubtful he'd go that far as he probably wouldn't want the baby any more than you do, and the legal side of it is messy to say the least. But to avoid hassle don't tell him before the event. Just go and have it done and don't be too hard on yourself. Whether you tell him afterwards is a tough one. Personally I don't think there's anything to be gained from telling him tbh, not for you or for him.

Drift

Hey Jessers, very tough situation to be in.

He acted like a class one bollocks just so he could get his hole. I still think he has a right to know you're pregnant with his child. The only reason not to tell him is because it would make things easier on yourself and that would push your selfishness up on a par with his. I really think he should be told.

On a side point you mention how you're "sick even thinking about it." Are you sure this is something you actually want to do? Or are you just doing it because you think it's what you "should" do considering the father of the child and your own father's condition. There was a great post on PI a few months back about how some people regret abortions in the future and some don't. Although it's not the question you asked, it seems from some of the things you said in your posts ("I never thought it would be me") that you may have some issues about going through with it. I would urge you to please discuss it openly with someone close to you before you come to your final decision; this well help you get things straight in your head one way or another and will help you in the future.

Best of look either way Jessers, it's a tough situation.

P.S. Sorry if this post is a very one-sided I didn't plan it to be but it's difficult to have a post on sensitive issues like this not coloured by personal opinion.

melon_collie

Hey Jessers,

I'm very sorry to hear about your situation.

I'm a fella and I can tell you that it's people like that, that give fellas a bad name. The fact is, he used you. He doesn't deserve to know because he probably wouldn't care anyway.

The best thing you can do here is say nothing. Look after yourself and don't worry about anyone else for a change, especially not someone like him. You don't need any more agro at the moment.

Tell a close friend or someone you can trust what has happened. They'll help you through it.

Bottom line is, make sure and look after yourself.

Take care and best of luck

ChocolateSauce

More advice from me...

On the legal issue, it's thankfully merciful (agruably). On the one hand, as you live in Ireland you do not have the legal right to control your body, and the state obliges you to have a child. The only way around this is to escape to outside the juristiction of the state. On the other hand, as you two aren't married, he has no legal rights as a father and cannot get any kind of injunction against you, and so unlike the state has no right to any kind of say on the matter.

Hope this puts your mind at ease.

Hobart

Jessers wrote: »

Does anyone know the legalities to the above? F*ck, I never even thought of the legal side of things.

Christ, what a mess.

The law is not clear on the fathers rights, if a case was to be taken. There was the "Miss D" case, where the HSE tried to stop a Girl from travelling, but that was quite a complicated case. Personally speaking, he would have to seek an injunction of some sort and then prove a case from his point of view, something I doubt he would do.

The law is one thing, morally speaking there is another side to this. Whatever about one's own view on termination it simply has to be the choice of the mother. So I would advise you to think about it. from your postings you seem to have your mind made up so, if I was in your position, I would not mention it to him. he has acted abhorrently towards you and, in my opinion, has forgone any rights he may believe he has held over you. I would view him as an unwanted cell donor, and nothing more.

Go and do what you feel is the right thing for you to do, and bring a good friend with you, is the last piece of advice I would give you. Good luck.

Ebonyellie

i had a baby when i was 19, when i got pregnant i told the dad and he demanded i have an abortion, i didnt and he refused to have anything to do with the baby, that was 10 years ago and he has never seen him or even sent him a card, and he was a guy like the one you described so looking back, if i decided not to keep the baby, knowing who he reacted i wouldnt have told him. I also know another man (a friend of my brothers) whose ex had an abortion and told him about it afterwards, he used this to make her feel like crap and the generate sympathy from other girls, the last thing he wanted was a baby, but he played the victim. I hope you will be ok, im sorry that you are going through this very tough time and i hope you have a good friend or family member you can count on for support

Loomis

Bottle_of_Smoke wrote: »

If you have the abortion don't tell him. Would be a horrible thing to find out. .

Because he's been so considerate of her feelings...

Tell him. Maybe he'll think twice next time about treating someone like dirt.

LegacyUser

Jessers wrote: »

A few weeks ago, I had sex with someone I really liked and have known for about 6 months.

It ended badly as he admitted he had been using me and had pretty much said all the right things to get into my pants.

We are not talking at the moment.

Ive found out that im pregnant (condom slipped off). I do not want to have it.

Im going to go to England and, you know.... (never thought this would be me).

Should I tell him? I think I should but im afraid if I do, he'l just think its some ploy by me and will think im a psycho. I think he has a right to know though.

Help! thanks

Hello there,

If you feel it's the right thing for you to do, No, I wouldn't tell him. He's expressed no care for you other than a quick jump and that's life sometimes but don;t feel you owe him anything just because something physical has happened as a result. I went through it ten years ago, I knew it was the right thing to do for me, I never told the guy because it was a three night stand, a flash in the pan thing, and he told me the night the condom burst that he never ever wanted kids so I said I'd take the morning after pill and I never did, and lo and behold, two months later I found out after we'd stopped the affair.
I never ever had a regret, because I knew it was the right decision for me, inside. This is one hot subject that many people will have differing and very strong views on, but only you can answer it for yourself. Find a quiet space, think a while on your own, and the answer will come to you as to whether you need to tell anyone else except someone who is going to care for you and help you through it regardless of keeping it or not. If you feel you have to tell him merely because it was his sperm that lead to conception, I wouldn't necessarily go with that. Some people think emotionally about it, some people think purely biologically about it, and some people are half way in between. My advice would be for you to think about it however way you think it's going to sit with you from the time you act (or don't act) right through the rest of your days. I don't lose a wink of sleep at night, but like I said, I knew, from the get go, that I could live with my personal choice. Best of luck.

Hobart

Mr. Anderson wrote: »

Because he's been so considerate of her feelings...

Tell him. Maybe he'll think twice next time about treating someone like dirt.

There would be no reason for this girl telling him after the termination took place. If you think that this might make him "think twice" you're naive.

xzanti

Ebonyellie wrote: »

he used this to make her feel like crap and the generate sympathy from other girls, the last thing he wanted was a baby, but he played the victim. I hope you will be ok, im sorry that you are going through this very tough time and i hope you have a good friend or family member you can count on for support

Exactly and if you want to keep this private, then I'd recommend not telling him, what he doesn't know won't hurt him.. a friend of mine had one years ago, and was going out with the guy at the time, minute they broke up he went around telling everyone about it... Nice guy..

Velvet Vocals

Jessers wrote: »

The only thing that ties us is that we go to college together.

We will continue to be in college together for 2 more years.

We were seeing each other on and off for about 3 months. I put out when he said he wanted to make a go of it. After it happened, he said how he really felt.

This guy sounds like a real sh*t! I didn't think that guys still did that! Seriously what an a**hole! I'm so sorry for the situation you are in, and I wish I could advise differently, but unfortunately, di*k head or no, he has a right to know.
You really should tell him, then make sure you have a good support system around you for when you go and more importantly when you come back.
He wont be able to consider it as some sort of ploy if you just tell him and walk away and never have anything to do with ever again! He doesn't deserve your time!!
Best of luck and I really hope it all works out!

tbh

tell someone, but not him. What's the point? If he can't talk you out of it, he's better off not knowing, he certainly doesn't deserve to know by default.
Best of luck love x

mormank

theozster wrote: »

He has a right to know, but no right to decide matters pertaining to your body. Tell him before you do it, but only a day or so.

this is such a bogus attitude!! no rights pertaining to your body. this infuriates me in fact. this is the guys child we are talking about, not a pimple!

mormank

Velvet Vocals wrote: »

This guy sounds like a real sh*t! I didn't think that guys still did that! Seriously what an a**hole! I'm so sorry for the situation you are in, and I wish I could advise differently, but unfortunately, di*k head or no, he has a right to know.
You really should tell him, then make sure you have a good support system around you for when you go and more importantly when you come back.
He wont be able to consider it as some sort of ploy if you just tell him and walk away and never have anything to do with ever again! He doesn't deserve your time!!
Best of luck and I really hope it all works out!

im sorry to be the one who informs ye all of this.

this guy is not a complete twat ahole or otherwise. he merely represents a HUGE percentage of fellas. this is the way fellas are im afraid. willing to say or do anything to get into a girls pants and then dont give a fcuk afterwards.

i know loads of my friends are like this. i know loads that arent. but to be quite honest this is standard enough imo. this girl is just unlucky cos she got pregnant in this situation. sry if this offends. im not tryin to.

this issue hits me hard as i have two sisters, both of whom have been in this situation at a tender age and both of whom had the child.

jessers i really think you need to tell him, even if just for your own peace of mind. if you dont i think it could trouble you in the future. i could be wrong.

p.s contrary to what ye may think i am in fact a bloke...

RedXIV

mormank wrote: »

im sorry to be the one who informs ye all of this.

this guy is not a complete twat ahole or otherwise. he merely represents a HUGE percentage of fellas. this is the way fellas are im afraid. willing to say or do anything to get into a girls pants and then dont give a fcuk afterwards.

i know loads of my friends are like this. i know loads that arent. but to be quite honest this is standard enough imo. this girl is just unlucky cos she got pregnant in this situation. sry if this offends. im not tryin to.

this issue hits me hard as i have two sisters, both of whom have been in this situation at a tender age and both of whom had the child.

jessers i really think you need to tell him, even if just for your own peace of mind. if you dont i think it could trouble you in the future. i could be wrong.

p.s contrary to what ye may think i am in fact a bloke...

whoa whoa whoa!

Thats complete Bo**ox!

Sure lots of guys like to go out on the pull but very few of them will do something as despicable as turn around the next day and say "here love, get lost". I know LOADS of lads from home, college, work and i honestly can't think of one who'd do something like the OP described.

mormank

RedXIV wrote: »

whoa whoa whoa!

Thats complete Bo**ox!

Sure lots of guys like to go out on the pull but very few of them will do something as despicable as turn around the next day and say "here love, get lost". I know LOADS of lads from home, college, work and i honestly can't think of one who'd do something like the OP described.

you're from carlow...

no really, i think the only thing this guy has done diferently is tell the girl str8 up that he used her...its not complete bullocks

MIN2511

Jessers wrote: »

Is it not bad to tell him afterwards though? In that case there would be no point in telling him at all cos the deed is done sort of thing.

There is no way he can change my mind anyway. He doesnt even fancy me - which he kindly informed me after the event. So there would be no option of 'making it work' etc etc.

My father is dying at the moment and my family could not deal with this additional stress. I know I should have gotten the morning after pill but I so didnt think I was pregnant. Im only recently off the depo provera about 6 months, plus I dont think he'd came when the condom slipped off. Just goes to show, eh!

I never thought id ever have an abortion - I feel sick even thinking about it. I just dunno what to do.

Right, why do you want to tell him?
Do you by any chance want him to say everything would be alright and maybe ye could work things out?
It sounds like you are really confused, is there anyone(family/friend) you can confide in?
Sometimes a baby is not the end of the world, but knowing he doesn't want to be with you and may not neccessarily want a baby your best bet may be to go to England.
Whatever you decide, do it because you want to not because you have to

Jessers

Mormank - considering you can see where this guy is coming from, then how do you think he'd take it if I told him?

Im going to have to make a decision soon. This is consuming me and I feel so drained.

Jessers

MIN2511 wrote: »

Right, why do you want to tell him?
Do you by any chance want him to say everything would be alright and maybe ye could work things out?

There is no way that would or could happen.

Even if he did say that, I would say no. He has treated me appalingly and he used me. I love myself too much to ever let him near me again.

He will never get the opportunity to treat me the way he has ever again.

I feel like I should tell him because its his blood and he has a right to know, irrespective of how he treated me.

RedXIV

mormank wrote: »

you're from carlow...

no really, i think the only thing this guy has done diferently is tell the girl str8 up that he used her...its not complete bullocks

No, i go to college in carlow, i work up in Dublin and i've lived in Meath, Wicklow and Wexford. I've got enough scope to completely disagree with your perception of men as a whole.

Is this how YOU'D treat a woman? If you can relate to it, grand but i find it hard to believe that a "huge percentage of men" would agree with you

mormank

Jessers wrote: »

Mormank - considering you can see where this guy is coming from, then how do you think he'd take it if I told him?

Im going to have to make a decision soon. This is consuming me and I feel so drained.

to be honest. his initial reaction would be shock, then fear...i think however the main point is that once you told him you would find out pretty quickly what he is made of. in fairness to both guys who got my sisters pregnant they stood by them. one of my sisters tried gettin back with him for the childs sake. on off on off, now he is married to another guy (her daughter being 8 yrs old now). my other sister never has any intention of gettin back with the other fella. seems to despise him but her son is 3 now and in fairness to the father he was always around during the pregnancy when needed and wanted to be there for the birth etc...

it is obv a difficult situation, but i think you should tell him and you will find out what kind of a man he really is.

hope i am helpin in some way, like i said, subject is close to home

Jessers

You are helping, thanks.

But

mormank wrote: »

like i said, subject is close to home

Seriously, would you treat a girl like this?

mormank

RedXIV wrote: »

No, i go to college in carlow, i work up in Dublin and i've lived in Meath, Wicklow and Wexford. I've got enough scope to completely disagree with your perception of men as a whole.

Is this how YOU'D treat a woman? If you can relate to it, grand but i find it hard to believe that a "huge percentage of men" would agree with you

ok maybe huge was the wrong term here. large maybe. to be honest alot of the guys that girls go for in clubs are only after one thing. same applies to alot of girls. it is naive to think otherwise. it is merely unusual for the guy o turn around and actual say he used her...

when you say that you think guys would not do this...do what??? use an attractive girl for sex?? how many guys do you know that wouldnt if they could??

RedXIV

mormank wrote: »

ok maybe huge was the wrong term here. large maybe. to be honest alot of the guys that girls go for in clubs are only after one thing. same applies to alot of girls. it is naive to think otherwise. it is merely unusual for the guy o turn around and actual say he used her...

when you say that you think guys would not do this...do what??? use an attractive girl for sex?? how many guys do you know that wouldnt if they could??

I'm pretty confident that pretty much all my mates, if they got an attractive girl to sleep with them, to be a crude as possible, would milk it and try to keep it happening, i.e. relationship

But i'm happy once your took huge out of there. you're destroying our reputation as men!

mormank

Jessers wrote: »

You are helping, thanks.

But



Seriously, would you treat a girl like this?

no of course i wouldnt. trust me when i say im one of a kind in that department.

i just remember wantin to go out and defend my sister's honour on more than one occasion through the years. i come from a big family, one of 8 kids.

the reason i am sayin the things i am about guys on here in cos i have seen how friends of mine have treated girls in the past. literally laughin at their faces at their misery cos they have just been used for sex...if this ever happened my little sister i would have to knock heads.

its such pathetic behaviour imo. so so bad

mormank

RedXIV wrote: »

I'm pretty confident that pretty much all my mates, if they got an attractive girl to sleep with them, to be a crude as possible, would milk it and try to keep it happening, i.e. relationship

But i'm happy once your took huge out of there. you're destroying our reputation as men!

haha fair enough...but have you had a relationship recently. so much hassle. is it worth the sex provided??? really??? wimmins be crazy!!

Victor

Having a baby is not the end of the world. Yes there are complications, but I'm sure you can get over them. I don't think it would affect your father negatively.

As to whether you tell they guy, I think only do it if he is to be part of the decision process.

Drift wrote: »

On a side point you mention how you're "sick even thinking about it." Are you sure this is something you actually want to do? Or are you just doing it because you think it's what you "should" do considering the father of the child and your own father's condition. There was a great post on PI a few months back about how some people regret abortions in the future and some don't. Although it's not the question you asked, it seems from some of the things you said in your posts ("I never thought it would be me") that you may have some issues about going through with it. I would urge you to please discuss it openly with someone close to you before you come to your final decision; this well help you get things straight in your head one way or another and will help you in the future.

I agree, go find someone to talk to.

Jessers

Ive told him.

He's devastated. He wants it. But he says he understands me having the abortion if I want it.

He says he is ashamed of how he treated me. He said he's so sorry. He says he's messed up due to a recent break up. He was crying. It doesnt change what he's done.

There is a programme on BBC2 now about abortion. Gonna watch that now. If this doesnt change my mind, nothing will.

niavie

Hi Jessers,

Sorry to hear about your situation.. Was in a similar situation not too long ago.
My advice would be to give the Marie Stopes clinic a ring and book an appointment. They will talk through everything with you and can make arrangements for you if that's what you decide. It might help sort out your head. I know this is a tough situation for you and very stressful. What worked for me was writing a list of what I wanted my life to be like in 5 years times and what i could offer and provide for the baby.

Jessers

This programme is making me sick. They showed the instruments they use.

Apologies to anyone who has had an abortion, I promise im not judging you. But am I a sick murderer for getting rid of this child??

Im heartbroken.

Ive always wanted children, but not like this. Early menopause runs in my family - this could be my chance. But I cant have D's child. I just cant.

My only way out is what im seeing on the telly. I cannot believe im in this situation. I feel so stupid and horrible.

Thanks to everyone for their help

spudington16

If he was (by his own admission) only using you I can't imagine him caring too much about what happens to you. And in the unlikely event that he does it should have no bearing on your decision if you've already made up your mind because he doesn't sound like he's worth the hassle of listening to.

Best of luck, whatever happens.

Nevyn

Jessers it happens, you won't be the first and you won't be the last.
I suggest you go get some non directive counselling and figure out what you are going to do.

IF you do travel and you do think that having an abortion is what you want even if you know it is the right thing for you 100% you will still have regerets and be upset and worry and think what if. This happens to every women even if they are 100% sure about thier choice.

and yes many of those women go on to have children later in life.

Good luck to you it's not easy.

Jessers

Thank you, I just never thought it would be me.

Thanks to all.

allabouteve

I would be afraid that if you tell him, he would use it as a weapon to beat you with. He doesn't sound like a nice guy. You take care of yourself, before and after you make your final decision, whatever you decide. Best of luck, and you will recover from this and be happy again.

Drift

Hey Jessers,

Is there a family member or close friend you can confide in and talk to. I think in your current you really need to share with someone in person.

Secondly it seems to me from what you're saying that your heart is not fully with the idea of an abortion. I could be way off base here but I think there's only one thing stopping you from having the baby and that's the fact that the father acted like a **** and treated you badly.

There's never a perfect time or way to have a baby and you'll get very varying opinions for everyone on this board as to what they think you should do. The real question is what do YOU want to do. Don't worry about the babies father, that will sort itself out in time regardless of what you decide to do. Decide in your own heart with the help of someone close to you and then take the necessary steps from there.

All the best (and from what I've seen you'll make a good mother now or at some future date.) Please talk to someone.

fallout_girl

Jessers wrote: »

Thank you, I just never thought it would be me.

Thanks to all.

Hi Jessers

something similar happened to me 3 years ago. I would have never thought this could ever happen to me but it did. From experience I can only tell you that the first decision I made (and then stuck with) was to not go through with the pregnancy. I do not have any regrets, it was not the right time, I would have not been able to cope with a child, a pregnancy or an adoption process and whilst the operation obviously was horrible (I went to Holland and had it done under local anaestic) it was a relief once it was over.
If people tell you horror stories about the pain, the guilt, the regrets, I can assure you that all these things are not necessarily true and possibly even less so if you made your decision out of free will.
I still know and strongly feel that my decision was the best for all involved. And I sooo feel for you because it is mess and it drains you a little more moment by moment. Believe me though, you can get through it and you will be ok.

Hope it all works out for you!
S.