Steamed Hams

Ruu_Old

Superintendent Chalmers: You know, these hamburgers are quite similar to the ones they have at Krusty Burger.
Seymour Skinner: Oh ho ho, no. Patented Skinner burgers. Old family recipe.
Superintendent Chalmers: For steamed hams ...
Seymour Skinner: Yes ...
Superintendent Chalmers: Yes, and you call them steamed hams despite the fact that they are obviously grilled.

AlmightyCushion

Ruu, you're an odd fellow but you steam a good ham.

cHaTbOx

Superintendent Chalmers: Why is there smoke coming out of your oven?
Seymour Skinner: "Uh, oh, that isn't smoke, it's steam. Steam from the steamed clams we're having."

davej

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9FU9QgAOLDE

Jesus Wept

Superintendant Chalmers: Steamed hams?
Principal Skinner: It's an upstate New York term.
Chalmers: Well I'm from Utica, I've never heard of them.
Skinner: It's more of an Albany term.

Jesus Wept

Skinner: Well, that was wonderful. A good time was had by all. I'm pooped.
Chalmers: Yes, I should be go-od lord, what is happening in there?
Skinner: Aurora Borealis?
Chalmers: Aurora Borealis? At this time of year? At this time of day? In this part of the country? Localized entirely within your kitchen?
Skinner: Yes.
Chalmers: May I see it?
Skinner: No.
Agnes: Seymour, the house is on fire!
Skinner: No, Mother, it's just the Northern Lights.

cHaTbOx

Superintendant Chalmers:Seymour, why is that student lying uncontious on the floor?
Principal Skinner:well, sometimes the floor is better...[trails off]

Jesus Wept

Superintendent Chalmers: Leopold?
(Leopold approaches the podium. The students gasp at his threatening presence)
Leopold: All right you little punks, pick up your freakin' ears, because I'm only gonna say this once. From now on, things are gonna be very, very different around here... (Students gasp, he quickly changes to a cheerful demeanor)...with your new principal, Ned Flanders!

Principal Skinner: Dirksen, tuck in your shirt. Jaffee, spit out that gum!
Leopold: You really think it's a good idea to give that freak his job back?
Superintendent Chalmers: Aw, he seems to know the students' names.

Ruu_Old

Bart Simpson: Hey, Chalmers, where are you from?
Superintendent Chalmers: Well, I was born in Queens, went to Ball state, then made the move to Intercourse, Pennsylvania. Uh, why do you ask?
[Bart is about to say something when Skinner Quickly puts his hand over his mouth]
Principal Skinner: Uh, don't worry, sir. I'll teach these children some respect for their town. I'm assigning each of you 20 hours of Community Service.
[the children walk offstage, groaning and moaning]
Ralph: Intercourse?
Superintendent Chalmers: Now if you'll excuse me, I'm off to my vacation at Lake Titicaca. Try to make a joke out of that, Mr. Smart Guy.
[Bart looks at Skinner, and Skinner waves his hands "no"]

Jesus Wept

heh Intercourse
/sniggers

Agent Smith

Ralph: my cats breath smells like cat food.

Sherifu

Jesus Wept

KnifeWRENCH

"Hello, Simpson. I'm riding the bus today because Mother hid my car keys to punish me for talking to a woman on the phone. She was right to do it."

Green Giant

The-Rigger wrote: »

Ned: They're not perfect, but the Lord says love thy neighbour.
Homer: Shut up, Flanders!
Ned: Okely-dokely-doo!

Ned: Hi-dilly-ho!
Homer: Go home.
Ned: Do-dilly-do!


everyone who counts loves Ned Flanders

ronnie3585

"Hens love roosters, geese love ganders, everyone else loves Ned Flanders"

Wazdakka

"Billy Corgan, 'Smashing Pumpkins'."


"Homer Simpson, smiling politely."

Jesus Wept

Flanders: 'Feels like I'm wearing - nothing at all!

Xavi6

Ralph - "Hi, Principal Skinner! Hi, Super Nintendo Chalmers!"

Jesus Wept

Ralph - "Principle Skinner, I got car sick in your office."

ronnie3585

Moe: Uh, hi, I'm Moe S.

Crowd: Hi, Moe!

Moe: Yeah, so last night I was closing up the bar, when some young
punk comes in and tries to stick me up. [the crowd gasps]

Sideshow Mel: Whatever did you do, Moe?

Moe: Well, it coulda been a real ugly situation, but, I managed
to shoot him in the spine. [crowd claps and cheers]

Moe: Yeah. I guess the next place he robs better have a ramp!

BlackMamba

Homer: Are you saying you're never going to eat any animal again? What about bacon?

Lisa: No.

Homer: Ham?

Lisa: No.

Homer: Pork chops?

Lisa: Dad, those all come from the same animal.

Homer: Heh heh heh. Ooh, yeah, right, Lisa. A wonderful, magical animal.
:D

Jesus Wept

Homer: Asleep at the switch?! I wasn't asleep, I was drunk!

Oman

just because i dont care doesnt mean i dont understand

Jesus Wept

Homer: Trying is the first step towards failure!

Oman

Homer: whats the point in going out, we're only gonna end up back here again

Jesus Wept

Homer: Kids, you tried your best and you failed miserably. The lesson is, never try.

Oman

If there was a law it would be against it

Predhead

''Something's not quite right with my Malibu Stacey...''

''My Spidey sense is tingling. Did anyone here call for a webslinger?...''

Oman

Marge I'm not gonna lie to you. [Homer turns back and watches tv again]

Jesus Wept

Lionel Hutz: Well, he's kind of had it in for me ever since I accidentally ran over his dog. Actually, replace "accidentally" with "repeatedly," and replace "dog" with "son."

KnifeWRENCH

We want to go forwards, not backwards. Upwards, not forwards. And always twirling, twirling, TWIRLING towards freedom!!

Jesus Wept

Homer: Weaseling out of things is important to learn. It's what separates us from the animals ... except the weasel.

Jesus Wept

Marge: We got the popcorn! Did you get "Waiting to Exhale"?
Homer: They put us on the "Waiting to Exhale" waiting list, but they said "don't hold your breath".

bronte

Homer: Ooh, look at me! I'm making people happy! I'm the magical man from Happyland, in a gumdrop house on Lollipop Lane!



Oh, by the way: I was being sarcastic.

BlackMamba

Grandpa: My Homer is not a communist. He may be a liar, a pig, an idiot, a communist, but he is not a porn star.

KnifeWRENCH

Jasper : "Talking out of turn...that's a paddlin'. Looking out the window...that's a paddlin'. Staring at my sandals...that's a paddlin'. Paddling the school canoe...ooh, you better believe that's a paddlin'."

Jesus Wept

^^^ lol

I want to share something with you: The three little sentences that will get you through life. Number 1: Cover for me. Number 2: Oh, good idea, Boss! Number 3: It was like that when I got here.

KnifeWRENCH

Marge: Homer, when are you going to give up this crazy sugar scheme?

Homer: Never, Marge. Never. I can't live the button-down life like you. I want it all: the terrifying lows, the dizzying highs, the creamy middles. Sure, I might offend a few of the bluenoses with my cocky stride and musky odors -- oh, I'll never be the darling of the so-called "City Fathers" who cluck their tongues, stroke their beards, and talk about "What's to be done with this Homer Simpson?"

Green Giant

Homer: Excuse me, I'm going out to...stalk...Lenny and Carl (moment of realisation) D'oh!

ronnie3585

square_igloo wrote: »

Marge: Homer, when are you going to give up this crazy sugar scheme?

Homer: Never, Marge. Never. I can't live the button-down life like you. I want it all: the terrifying lows, the dizzying highs, the creamy middles. Sure, I might offend a few of the bluenoses with my cocky stride and musky odors -- oh, I'll never be the darling of the so-called "City Fathers" who cluck their tongues, stroke their beards, and talk about "What's to be done with this Homer Simpson?"

^^Possib-lye the best simpsons quote ever?

Followed closely by this;

Hank Scorpio: Uh, hi, Homer. What can I do for you?
Homer: Sir, I need to know where I can get some business hammocks.
Hank: Hammocks? My goodness, what an idea. Why didn't I think of that?
Hammocks! Homer, there's four places. There's the Hammock Hut,
that's on third.
Homer: Uh-huh.
Hank: There's Hammocks-R-Us, that's on third too. You got
Put-Your-Butt-There?
Homer: Mm-Hmm.
Hank: That's on third. Swing Low, Sweet Chariot... Matter of fact,
they're all in the same complex; it's the hammock complex on
third.
Homer: Oh, the hammock district.
Hank: That's right.

KnifeWRENCH

Kang (as Bob Dole): Abortions for all.
Crowd: BOOOOO!
Kang: Very well....no abortions for anyone.
Crowd: BOOOOOO!
Kang: Hmm...Abortions for some, miniature American flags for others
CROWD: YAAAAAY!

smoke.me.a.kipper

Lyle Lanley: And so, "mono" means "one." And "rail" means "rail." And that concludes our intensive three week course.

Acacia

Teenager at Hullabalooza:[Referring to Homer] Hey, it's that Cannon Ball Guy- he's cool...
Teenager 2: Are you being sarcastic, dude?
First Teenager:[Pause] I don't even know anymore.

Most folks'll never eat a skunk, and then again some folks'll like Cletus the Slack-Jawed Yokel...

Jesus Wept

Homer: Marge? Since I'm not talking to Lisa, would you please ask her to pass me the syrup?
Marge: Dear, please pass your father the syrup, Lisa.
Lisa: Bart, tell Dad I will only pass the syrup if it won't be used on any meat product.
Bart: You dunkin' your sausages in that syrup homeboy?
Homer: Marge, tell Bart I just want to drink a nice glass of syrup like I do every morning.
Marge: Tell him yourself, you're ignoring Lisa, not Bart.
Homer: Bart, thank your mother for pointing that out.
Marge: Homer, you're not not-talking to me and secondly I heard what you said.
Homer: Lisa, tell your mother to get off my case.
Bart: Uhhh, dad, Lisa's the one you're not talking to.
Homer: Bart, go to your room

ronnie3585

{Bart grooms himself for his big dinner date. His parents watch proudly
at the bathroom door.}

Homer: I can't believe my little boy is already going on his first
date.
[sings] Sunrise, sunset, sunrise, sunset...
Cat's in the cradle and the silver spoon...
Yes, we have no bananas...[weeps]
Marge: Oh, that's sweet Homer. Our son _is_ growing up, isn't he.
Homer: No, it's not that. Didn't you hear? They have no bananas!
They have no bananas today...[walks off crying]

kaki

Ralph: [whispering] Lisa, what's the answer to number seven?
Lisa: [whispering] Sorry, Ralph. That would defeat the purpose of testing as a means of student evaluation.
Ralph: [pauses] My cat's name is Mittens