Ugh.

jezza

Opinions. I'm not here to try and play or win the blame game.

Basically- I was with this guy for about 7/8 months.
In that time he flirted with two of my friends, and on text it got very intense.
The first one, didn't matter too much. Yeah, I was pissed but we weren't exactly close.
Second time was with my "best" friend at the time, they were texting 24/7. She was playing the "omg im so depressed" line and she was making up a lot of worrying ****, like saying she was cutting (she wasn't), that she was ODing (she wasn't) and that her dad was abusing her (he wasn't)... So for i dunno how long he was pretty much together with her.

I had suspected they were fooling around because of a few misdirectioned texts and I had asked both of them to break contact with each other.
After a few months they finally said they did (I've later found out they didn't).

In the last month of the relationship, it was just coming up to the leaving cert and i had enough of him and it, but wasn't gonna dump him just before exams. I started sleeping with my ex (my ex on and off for like 2 years). But it is pretty safe to say the relationship was in bits already.

Now chatting with the ex last night, as we were friends, and he pretty much accused me of being incapable of staying faithful. I got mad and reminded him of what happened with him and my friend and he basically said it was ok because he never slept with her, and I had slept with someone else.

I believe that breaking trust is breaking trust. If your sending messages on what youd like to do to another person then in my eyes, its cheating. I think its irrelavent if you sleep with them or not. Betrayal is betrayal after all. Whereas he doesnt agree with that at all.

What do you think?

Mikel

I started sleeping with my ex (my ex on and off for like 2 years). But it is pretty safe to say the relationship was in bits already.

You did the dirt with your ex while in a relationship, that makes you a cheat.

its irrelavent if you sleep with them or not. Betrayal is betrayal after all.

You're only saying that because you slept with someone else, if you had flirted with someone and he slept with someone else you'd probably feel differently.

There's degrees of these things. If he was doing that to you why didn't you break up with him? It suited you not to because of your exams? Then you cheated on him and rationalised it by saying the relationship was in trouble.
That makes you selfish and unfaithful. Nothing he's done excuses that.

bills

Cheating is cheating. I think you would have been better off concentrating on your leaving cert ( a bit more important) than sleeping with an ex.

jezza

Yeah, I get that. I cheated and its not a nice thing to do.
But, the point i'm making (and want opinions on) is...Just because you sleep with someone (maybe you still love them) is that automatically worse than flirting/text sex or whatever they call it with your s/o 2 mates?

Imo they are as bad as each other.

Mikel

No they're not as bad as each other

Jules

Hold on Jez, so you are saying you were seeing this guy, as you sut dating or was he your boyfriend, and he was texting your best friends, flirting with them and your so called best friend was making **** up tyring to get his attention. It got to the point were you asked them to stop making contact and they didnt. So you didnt tell him that you didnt want to see him anymore or whatever, you just started sleeping with your ex, the ex who you had cheated on and he had, what kissed your friend or something.

Personally you are all as bad as each other and you need to surround yourself with some new and better people.

Wibbs

So "loving" him justifies it? Nice justification indeed. He was wrong and so were you. There's two of you in it basically. You knew what you were doing and you had sex with someone else while in a relationship. He claims he didn't and texted, which is not good either, but of the two scenarios, yours is of a far higher order of breaking of trust. A sliding scale of course. Hypothetically if he had sent just one single text that said "god ur gorgeous & I want 2....." and you had met your ex and said. "do you want to get naked and climb on board?". That's hypothetical, but which do you think is worse?

Remember you're closer to the hypothetical extreme than he as that's basically what happened. You can "excuse" to yourself by saying you loved the ex, that you were unhappy, that you thought he wasn't there for you, you had chemistry that night blah blah. The fact is it happened, you decided it would happen and you have to learn from it, not excuse it.

Basically you felt the relationship was on the skids, you didn't fancy him as much as before, you got an itch and decided to scratch it. All cool if you acknowledge that, but only if you acknowledge it and not try to couch it in terms of self justification.

BTW are you still sleeping with the ex that you love or is it just friends?

FruitLover

jezza wrote: »

Imo they are as bad as each other.

Texting and flirting with someone is nowhere near as bad as shagging someone behind your SO's back. You're kidding yourself.

Jesus, it's amazing the things people will convince themselves of :eek:

you had no real proof to say that he was cheating on you. you lost your head and did the dirt on someone who could be innocent. even if he wasn't, inflicting that sort of thing on him just because he did it to you is childish
plenty of guys flirt with other girls. and girls flirt with other guys. we're only human. the guilty party is the one who really did the dirt. that would be you, my dear. that's the brutal truth

jezza

Aye, me and the ex got engaged after. We got back together properly after I dumped yer man.
I love him to bits and I know its a terrible thing to say but I dont regret sleeping with him at all. the only thing i do regret is staying in a relationship i was uphappy with.
He ****ed me over and betrayed me with my best friend, and a friend. **** that.

im not sorry at all.

jezza

Deleted User wrote: »

you had no real proof to say that he was cheating on you. you lost your head and did the dirt on someone who could be innocent. even if he wasn't, inflicting that sort of thing on him just because he did it to you is childish
plenty of guys flirt with other girls. and girls flirt with other guys. we're only human. the guilty party is the one who really did the dirt. that would be you, my dear. that's the brutal truth

No i do no for sure he was "cheating" because he told me.

minidazzler

I dont see what you did as really cheating. Trust had been broken on his Part (By continuing to text yer one) and as you say it was in tatters anyway.

So what you had sex with a guy you care about right before you broke up with a guy you dont. I dont see a problem. Yer man was having what I assume to be text sex. (Which while technically harmless should not be done with the person who you are not in a relationship with)

and may I add.

You are 19 concentrate on you leaving cert.

PS Why are you engaged at 19? Seems a bit young to me!

Sangre

jezza wrote: »

But, the point i'm making (and want opinions on) is...Just because you sleep with someone (maybe you still love them) is that automatically worse than flirting/text sex or whatever they call it with your s/o 2 mates?

Yes of course. What a ridiculous statement.

jezza

minidazzler wrote: »

I dont see what you did as really cheating. Trust had been broken on his Part (By continuing to text yer one) and as you say it was in tatters anyway.

So what you had sex with a guy you care about right before you broke up with a guy you dont. I dont see a problem. Yer man was having what I assume to be text sex. (Which while technically harmless should not be done with the person who you are not in a relationship with)

and may I add.

You are 19 concentrate on you leaving cert.

PS Why are you engaged at 19? Seems a bit young to me!

Ahhh its complicated. I was engaged at 18, was with him on and off since i was 15. done leavin at 17. i loved him to bits and i still do but i just tell myself i hate him because its easier to hate him than love him. a lot of stuff happened in that year and it just seemed like the right thing to do when he asked me.
then i got cold feet and suffice to say we no longer speak.

it wasnt harmless at all. thats what im sayin.
i loved guy 1 (ex) and i was dating guy 2. guy 2 hurt me when we were barely together with a friend.
guy 2 was messin about with my best ****ing friend for ages. texting her. im more upset at her than him- because he told me the truth. he told me that it had happened and he swore on my life that he was telling the truth. that coniving cow swore on my life he was lying. even tried to get my brother after guy 2 when they finally stopped talkiing.

I dunno. I got mesages from him saying "dont tell..." me and the oaf sent em to me... wtf? i asked them and asked them to stop talking. he even called me by her name once, and tried to ustify it by sayin that he was worried about her. fU ck that like.

His exams as well as mine were coming up. it was making me so miserable

i know thats no excuse as i couldnt give a toss about school anyway.
but he thinks i should regret it. i dont.
im not blaming him-at the end of the day I made the decision to go back to guy 1's bed. But if he hadn't made me so insecure about our relationship i might not have??

again i dont want to blame him, becuase i know what i done was horrid.

im just not sorry and i think he betrayed me as much as i did him.
he sacrificed us for a lil bitta fun, i sacrificed us , or the remains of us, for a relationship.


ah.

Abi

Jezza, you certainly do pick some friends and boyfriends. None of which are trustworthy imo.

You on the other hand a proving to be cut from the same cloth. Im not getting at you, but I think immaturity has a huge part to play in all of this.

Do not do to others, what you wouldnt want done on you.

Redpunto

Why are ya bothered about this fella's opinion if you have moved on? Him and his issues over your then relationship are his issues....move on,,,,and after all the stuff that went on I very doubt it if theres the maturity there to stay friends with this guy,,,even if the maturity was there I doubt a friendship could be salvaged. Sounds like theres an awful lot of "she said..he said" going on.

jellie

Jezza what age are you?

This is all sounding a bit like the made up ramblings up a teenager.

Sleeping with someone else is far worse than texting someone else. i have no idea where some people get their reasoning from.

jezza

^ Well thats your opinion.

So. Another question. If you found texts on your boyfriend/girlfriends phone from your best friend. What would you do/think?
Would you dump em? Would you think "ah sure its only texting-its not really important"?

Maybe the same could apply to your s/o flirting online too... I dunno.
I just think its betrayal. And as for making this up hah, guy 2 is a boardsie. and has most likey read this.

Wibbs

jezza wrote: »

So. Another question. If you found texts on your boyfriend/girlfriends phone from your best friend. What would you do/think?
Would you dump em? Would you think "ah sure its only texting-its not really important"?

I would find out what's what calmly. If I didn't like or believe what I heard I would reassess the relationship and chances are god a dumping we would go. However I would not shag someone else, using the text betrayal as an excuse and then justify it by comparing the two. That's plainly daft. Simple as. Now if you find it makes it easier for you to justify it that way, but I tend to agree with whichever guy said you can't be faithful. It's not faithfulness per se it's your lack of self knowledge and a moral compass and your unbalanced response to suspected cheating. I'm no prude one moral code doesn't fit all but at least acknowledge it don't excuse it.

Maybe the same could apply to your s/o flirting online too... I dunno.
I just think its betrayal. And as for making this up hah, guy 2 is a boardsie. and has most likey read this.

Jeez you really don't have much of a clue when it comes to a moral compass do you? There are degrees of this. Texting someone else bad, OK. Shagging someone else worse, OK?

jellie

jezza wrote: »

^ Well thats your opinion.
So. Another question. If you found texts on your boyfriend/girlfriends phone from your best friend. What would you do/think?
Would you dump em? Would you think "ah sure its only texting-its not really important"?

1. i trust my bf & dont go looking through his phone
2. if i somehow found texts from a friend on my bfs phone, i probably wouldnt think anything of it, depending on what the texts said. i am good friends with my friends bf & my friends get on with my bf. they have been known to text eg. my bf surprising me with something & getting a friends help.
3. if i somehow found dodgy texts from a friend on his phone there would be war & it would be over. i really dont see how the texts condone the cheating. youre as bad as he is if not worse.

cheating is cheating. if you dont wanna be with someone just end it ffs. nothing makes it ok or acceptable

jezza

Yeah...it is worse.
But I mean... its not ALL my fault.

Chinafoot

jezza wrote: »

Yeah...it is worse.
But I mean... its not ALL my fault.

Why do you care? You're not sorry and you don't think its your fault so what exactly is the purpose of all this?

Are you hoping someone will come along and say "Yeah jezza you're right! He sent messages to your mates and you were so right to go and shag someone else befor eyou broke up with him! You go girl!!"

Why do you need that validation?

Chances are you're not going to get that response because most people here have some level of maturity and going on this and your past posts, you're seriously lacking in that department.

I'm not trying to be mean to you, I'm just calling it as I see it.

astrofool

You should have broken up with the other guy, before you started to f*ck your ex again.

It is your fault you didn't break up with him when he started to treat you badly, but were this story ever to go onto a daytime TV show, everybody would be booing you and you'd be answering "you don't know me...."

Redpunto

To this girl's defense,,thats all she is, a girl and an immature one at that..This is the behaviour and rationale of a teenager (obviously not all teenagers BTW). Ya make mistakes so that you can learn from them, whether OP has learned from hers i dunno.

Everyone makes their own decisions and cannot lay the blame of their own behaviour onto someone else.

jezza

Yeah i am actually very immature. But I don't mind that? Ya know...cause I have NEVER claimed to be mature. I know I'm not.

Yeah I guess sleeping with my ex was a pretty sh1tty thing to do but like, as I said earlier. Its a pair of 6's. I cheated "worse" but wah that conversation was all like.. yeah.., I dunno how to be faithful? Pot. Kettle. Dark colour.

Amazotheamazing

Em, aren't you the one who complained about her best friend ditching her in the smoking area to get back with her ex? You need to find better friends.

jezza

Oh for sure. And no. My friend pretty much ditched me for her ex's friend.
Although shes the kinda chick that ditches her friends when she gets a boyfriend anyway so i dunno why I expected anythin more from her.

Chinafoot

jezza wrote: »

Yeah i am actually very immature. But I don't mind that? Ya know...cause I have NEVER claimed to be mature. I know I'm not.

Ah well that makes it ok then. You're what, 19? Time to grow up maybe? This attitude of "well I never said I was mature so what do you expect?!" will get really old, really fast with anyone with a mental age over 15.

Again I have to ask why you're posting this. Is this merely an attempt to gain attention or were you geuinely expecting someone to agree that you're behaviour is acceptable?

pow wow

jezza wrote: »

Oh for sure. And no. My friend pretty much ditched me for her ex's friend.
Although shes the kinda chick that ditches her friends when she gets a boyfriend anyway so i dunno why I expected anythin more from her.

I think you know, but are refusing to acknowledge, what kind of girl your actions make you.

Seriously, what are you expecting people to say to you, no matter how immature you are? Everyone makes mistakes, most people acknowledge them and move on, instead of pointing the finger at someone else trying to make out what they did is worse.

jezza

Chinafoot wrote: »

Ah well that makes it ok then. You're what, 19? Time to grow up maybe? This attitude of "well I never said I was mature so what do you expect?!" will get really old, really fast with anyone with a mental age over 15.

Again I have to ask why you're posting this. Is this merely an attempt to gain attention or were you geuinely expecting someone to agree that you're behaviour is acceptable?

Blah blah blah.
So I'm immature and and mentally 15? Hah. See yeah...that might be my immaturity coming out...but... I.DON'T.CARE.

And again I have to answer, I'm posting this because I was curious to see what other peoples opinion on what makes a cheat.
Obviously sleeping with someone else does. I accept that.
But texting someone doesn't and as for why didn't I dump him straight away... I'll post clips from the email he sent when i did dump him... and then you can see why I might not have done it just before our exams started.

This probably makes me a b1tch for posting it but whatever.
Immaturity meets immaturity.

I’m sorry for writing you a big long detailed thing but I’ve tried strangle
myself unconscious a few minutes ago and I figured if I don’t write down my
thoughts I’ll end up doing something that will end up permentaly injuring me

Amazotheamazing

jezza wrote: »

Blah blah blah.
So I'm immature and and mentally 15? Hah. See yeah...that might be my immaturity coming out...but... I.DON'T.CARE.

And again I have to answer, I'm posting this because I was curious to see what other peoples opinion on what makes a cheat.
Obviously sleeping with someone else does. I accept that.
But texting someone doesn't and as for why didn't I dump him straight away... I'll post clips from the email he sent when i did dump him... and then you can see why I might not have done it just before our exams started.

This probably makes me a b1tch for posting it but whatever.
Immaturity meets immaturity.

If you are mature enough to know you are immature then (funnily enough) you are mature enough to be unable to pretend to be immature anymore. In other words, you aren't immature any more, you're just acting the spanner.

Wibbs

jezza wrote: »

Blah blah blah.
So I'm immature and and mentally 15? Hah. See yeah...that might be my immaturity coming out...but... I.DON'T.CARE.

Clearly you do.

And again I have to answer, I'm posting this because I was curious to see what other peoples opinion on what makes a cheat.

Because you care about opinions. That's good btw, but only if you process them and not just look for justification for actions you feel dubious about. If you didn't feel dubious about it you wouldn't have asked.

Obviously sleeping with someone else does. I accept that.

That's a start.

But texting someone doesn't

Huh? I presume there's a question mark missing there? Let's join the dots shall we? Texting someone else bad, Shagging someone else worse.

and as for why didn't I dump him straight away... I'll post clips from the email he sent when i did dump him... and then you can see why I might not have done it just before our exams started.

Classy. More self justification too as opposed to working this stuff out in your head.

This probably makes me a b1tch for posting it but whatever.

Yep pretty much. Well it makes you self centered and immature anyway. I hate pulling the immature card, but if it barks like a dog.....

Immaturity meets immaturity.

You see the trick to life is to meet immaturity with maturity. It'll work out better for you.

jezza

^ Gah. The mind boggles.
So lets get this... I'm immature, I have the mentality of a 15 year old... I agree.. So now I'm not immature anymore?

Ahhh.

Wibbs

Amazotheamazing wrote: »

If you are mature enough to know you are immature then (funnily enough) you are mature enough to be unable to pretend to be immature anymore. In other words, you aren't immature any more, you're just acting the spanner.

Logic. Brilliant. Lets watch the steam fly from the ears......

Amazotheamazing

jezza wrote: »

^ Gah. The mind boggles.
So lets get this... I'm immature, I have the mentality of a 15 year old... I agree.. So now I'm not immature anymore?

Ahhh.

If you have the capacity to recognise your actions as immature, I would think you aren't immature anymore, but simply acting immaturely because it suits you. The entire justification for excusing someones actions due to that persons immaturity relies on the supposition that the person doesn't realise they are immature. You realise it, so how are you immature?

Chinafoot

jezza wrote: »

Blah blah blah.
So I'm immature and and mentally 15? Hah. See yeah...that might be my immaturity coming out...but... I.DON'T.CARE.

And again I have to answer, I'm posting this because I was curious to see what other peoples opinion on what makes a cheat.
Obviously sleeping with someone else does. I accept that.
But texting someone doesn't and as for why didn't I dump him straight away... I'll post clips from the email he sent when i did dump him... and then you can see why I might not have done it just before our exams started.

This probably makes me a b1tch for posting it but whatever.
Immaturity meets immaturity.

Oh please. If you really wanted an answer to your question you would have simply asked the question instead of giving the long winded "he said, she said" bull that you posted here while then trying to justify yourself and your actions. Sorry love but you're just attention whoring.

I can just picture you with your hands over your ears going "lalalalala I'm not listening to you!!"

You'll have a very lonely existence if you don't cop yourself on.

Mikel

Tell you what, it's not your fault, it's someone elses, always.
Happy now?