Boyfriend gambled my rent money

nikjess

This is text book stuff. Boyfriend is 38 professional. We live together and are "madly in love". From the onset of our relationship I knew he liked the horses and that was fine. Now things have escalated. He owes me 4850 and owes his brother another 2k while another family member has been approaced too. However I realised I had a serious problem on my hands when he gambled and lost our rent money. I'm devestated. I don't know what to do. He would kill me if I spoke to any family member about this but I dont think it is right for us to be giving him a "life line" everytime he is broke because of gambling. He blames me for the gambling saying I ma putting too much pressure on him. I know that isnt the truth and its just his way of dealing with it. He doesn't see he has a problem at all. In fact as I said he is true text book gambler......denial bigtime. I am at my wits end. Should I tell someone in the family? Should I just leave now while I am not married to him?? It would break my heart but i am so worried about the future. Thanks for listening and I really would love some advise. I have emailed gamblers anonymous for some info and hopefully I'll be able to attend a meeting...I know its he should be going but as I said ....in his eyes ...there is no problem...

lolli

Your boyfriend obviously has a problem, sit him down and talk to him. See if he realises that he has a problem and figure out if he is willing to seek help for this problem. If he is willing to get help I would stand by him and help him through it. However, if he isnt willing to get help for this problem you are best to walk away now before you are married. He will only drag you down and continue to gamble. You cant help someone who doesnt want help so you need to suss out what he wants to do.

Sherifu

Cut him loose, it may be the shock he needs.

chickenhawk

Don't lend him any more money. Even five euro to buy milk etc. He owes you and your family a lot of money and I think he probably owes more to other people that you don't know about. Go to a gamblers anonymous meeting. I wouldn't cut him loose but don't get any more deep.

Imposter

One positive thing is that he is at least confiding in you about how much he owes! Whether this is true or not though is anyone's guess but you should have some idea about that. Going to the meeting is a good idea as they should be better able to advise you as they'll have seen this before and should know how to handle things.

nikjess

You have no idea how thankful i am for the replies. He will not admit there is a problem. Is there anything at all I can do to make him see sense?? I am out of my mind with worry. I have no idea how the rent is going to be paid. Should I let him sort it or pay it myself using visa? Also can someone tell me if I should tell his sister/brother who he has also borrowed from or would that make it worse? Thanks again guys

Jiz-fiz

its a tough situation your in ive been there before . cold turkey is his only option remember there ispeople out there who want to help you and him. there is meetings for both gamblers and for wifes and girlfriends of the gamblers its best you both attend these meetings they will open your eyes to how affected by this both of you are apart from the money issue and it will help build your relationship....Gamblers annonymos for himself and Gamminon for you. there a great help

Princess Consuela Bananahammock

If he's in denial, things will NOT change.

If you want him to see sense, you have to be blunt: it's you or the horses
and he has seven days to decide. And picking you means giving up ALL gambling and going at least for preliminary assessment to an addiction counseller. And if the counseller say's he's got a problem, he goes unconditionally for help. Perhaps you could go for couples conselling?

Chinafoot

If he is in denial about his problem, which he obviously is, he's not going to be very receptive about any big chats or going to gamblers anonymous. I firmly believe that people with addictions will only seek help when they want to. You can't make him and at the moment he has no reason to since people keep lending him money. The only way he's going to wake up to himself is when he stops getting handouts to fund this addiction and he realises how deep he's gotten himself.

I agree with Sherifu, perhaps you need to give him the reality check he needs. Tell him you're gone until he sorts himself out. Yeah it'll hurt you because you love him but you need to look at the bigger picture. This addiction could very possibly destroy any relationship you have with him. He gambled your rent money....what happens if you get married or have kids? Is he going to gamble the money you need to feed and clothe your child?

He's blaming you for his problem so why don't you remove what he sees as the cause. He might then realise that it's not you, it's him. If he can accept he has a problem he'll be able to get help for it. The way things stand now, he'll drag you down with him.

nikjess

Thanks everyone...all the replies are great. I seriously do believe that I will have to contact his brother or sister and tell them the extend of this. (To be honest I think I was in denial myself about his gambling...I didn't want to believe this was happening. I am a fool ) I think his brother should know because he will continue to throw him a life line. Today is borrowed money from his sister....I bet thats gambled by now. I just can't believe my lovely, happy , perfect life is now as crap as this. I can't believe I didn't go with my gut feeling all along. Hopefully i'll hear back from GA. I am defo giving him that ultimatum (i already said me or horses ....but he doesn't take me seriously at all i think). He is so damn angry about it and considers me a pain nagging him about. I guess I am too but what else am i suppose to do? I know he is upset but jesus he is ruining our lives and can't bloody see it . Sorry for ranting guys. I'm just so upset and have not a single soul in the world to speak to...besides you

Chinafoot

nikjess wrote: »

Thanks everyone...all the replies are great. I seriously do believe that I will have to contact his brother or sister and tell them the extend of this. (To be honest I think I was in denial myself about his gambling...I didn't want to believe this was happening. I am a fool ) I think his brother should know because he will continue to throw him a life line. Today is borrowed money from his sister....I bet thats gambled by now. I just can't believe my lovely, happy , perfect life is now as crap as this. I can't believe I didn't go with my gut feeling all along. Hopefully i'll hear back from GA. I am defo giving him that ultimatum (i already said me or horses ....but he doesn't take me seriously at all i think). He is so damn angry about it and considers me a pain nagging him about. I guess I am too but what else am i suppose to do? I know he is upset but jesus he is ruining our lives and can't bloody see it . Sorry for ranting guys. I'm just so upset and have not a single soul in the world to speak to...besides you

Do you have anyone you could stay with? Even just for a week or so. You need to take a stand here. If you've already given him the "horses or me" ultimatum and you haven't been taken seriously, what makes you think he'll take you seriously this time? He knows that you'll tell him how upset you are, tell him it's you or the horses and then.....nothing. You aren't doing anything to make him realise that you mean business.

You should go and stay with friend's/family. Leave him to sort out the rent and don't bail him out again as that is what he's counting on. If you facilitate his gambling he has no reason to stop.

You may love him but you need to start thinking about yourself.

Jiz-fiz

thing about it is you have to be strong cuz he obviously isnt able to . it may be hard now but someone will have to get the 2 of you through this and if you do love him then its gonna have to be you cuz he is blind and thats what happens. you know yourself it usually takes rock bottom for people to realize they have a problem . confront his family have them talk to him but dont gang up on him he will get defensive and angry . and like i said dont think there is noone to talk to you can attend meetings without him if he refuses and i think you should there very good and everyone there is supportive because there going or have gone through what your going through .

be strong

nikjess

I have no where really to go except home to my parents who are elderly and who will want to know why I'm back for a week at least. I know you are right though and I know that this would be the right thing to do whether I could do it is another thing. I really don't want us to split however stupid that sounds. I think the ultimatum and prelim assessment with addiction counseller is a good idea.....at least if I can get him to agree to that I know Im getting somewhere. I am sick of bailing him out and protecting him. Does anyone think i should tell his borther/ sister?????

Jiz-fiz

nikjess wrote: »

I have no where really to go except home to my parents who are elderly and who will want to know why I'm back for a week at least. I know you are right though and I know that this would be the right thing to do whether I could do it is another thing. I really don't want us to split however stupid that sounds. I think the ultimatum and prelim assessment with addiction counseller is a good idea.....at least if I can get him to agree to that I know Im getting somewhere. I am sick of bailing him out and protecting him. Does anyone think i should tell his borther/ sister?????

confide in them definately but make sure they handle it your way

nikjess

Jiz-fiz wrote: »

thing about it is you have to be strong cuz he obviously isnt able to . it may be hard now but someone will have to get the 2 of you through this and if you do love him then its gonna have to be you cuz he is blind and thats what happens. you know yourself it usually takes rock bottom for people to realize they have a problem . confront his family have them talk to him but dont gang up on him he will get defensive and angry . and like i said dont think there is noone to talk to you can attend meetings without him if he refuses and i think you should there very good and everyone there is supportive because there going or have gone through what your going through .

be strong

Thanksso much .....makes alot of sense

nikjess

Jiz-fiz wrote: »

thing about it is you have to be strong cuz he obviously isnt able to . it may be hard now but someone will have to get the 2 of you through this and if you do love him then its gonna have to be you cuz he is blind and thats what happens. you know yourself it usually takes rock bottom for people to realize they have a problem . confront his family have them talk to him but dont gang up on him he will get defensive and angry . and like i said dont think there is noone to talk to you can attend meetings without him if he refuses and i think you should there very good and everyone there is supportive because there going or have gone through what your going through .

be strong

Thanks so much .....makes alot of sense

gamer

1st give him no more money,say you have major problem, admit it get professional help,or i will leave you.TELL his sis the situation, like a drug addict he ask any1 4money to feed his habit.HIS family needs 2know he has a problem.DO you want to wait til he owes 40k, DO something NOW.
if he cant admit i have a problem, say sorry i,ll leave you ,i cant take all this stress,you cant help if he won,t admit it it.YOU cant solve this yourself ,he needs a counsellor,theres also mab, it helps people in debt,he needs 2write down all debts,pay x amount per week,you can provide moral support ,encourage him to get help,make it clear i,ll leave you if you DONT sort this ,if you want feed him ,give him no money ,zero.this is like giving up heroin, its a tough uphill challenge.ask his family stop lending him money.

estar

if he cant pay the rent and has no money

kick him out.

when he gets home, have his stuff packed and tell him he
needs to move somewhere else if he gamlbes the rent money

then give him a list of things he needs to change
before he is allowed full boyfriend status again

1. he lives on an allowance and you control the cash until he
has beaten his addiction. this means agreeing a schedule of
repayment of the people he owes money to
2. an agreement on honesty - relationships can only work if people
are being honest.
3. he attends gamblers anonymous every week or every day
4. he does not have any accounts with any online or offline
betting houses. if he wants to follow the horses out of interest
thats fine. but no money must change hands.
5. he watches for cross addictions - scratch cards etc

gambling the rent money needs a BIG sanction in response
and if he doesnt respond positively then your relationship
should be over until he can change.

be strong. he needs to be taken in hand and read the riot act
before he owes money to someone who is quite happy to take his
knee caps as interest.

estar

he is in the throes of an addiction which makes you selfish and
horrible.

but he has some neck telling you its your fault as your putting him
under pressure.

hA!!!

he would know what pressure was if he gambled my money.
pressure on his jugular vein!!!

only joking. seriously you sound way too nice for him at the moment.
read the riot act. and if he doesnt respond, give the landlord a months
notice and move out on his ass. there are plenty of places you
can rent a room in.

4Xcut

The most important thing about gambling in knowing when to cut your losses, maybe you should think about this too....

However, gambling is different to cigarettes, alcohol, drugs, pretty much any other addiction. The reason is that the addiction can and i mean really can fix all the problems it caused. The next smoke won't fix your lungs, the next pint won't fix your liver but the next bet may get you out of a huge hole of debt. This is possibly how he sees it. The next one could fix it all.


Having said this, he stole from you and that was not acceptable. Break up with him, as stated above and in other posts.

chuci

he wont accept help until he realises and admits he has a problem. if he cant pay the rent and isnt equal in the relationship kick him out on his rear. there is no way you should have to put up with this kinda of stress. tell his brother and his sister what the story is in case he tries to borrow money from them. close any accounts you share together or cut up visa cards etc that are in both your names.try and get away to a friends house or something for a week if you can. go meet the counsellor and see if they can give you any advice. offer your boyfriend the ultimatum you or the horses and if he thinks your not being serious hand him a packed suitcase and tell him to leave. im sorry that your in this position but you need to get out before you get dragged down further.

SarahMc

Kiss him and your €5K goodbye, and walk out the door.

It may be the shock he needs to clean up his act. Maybe it won't be, in which case you have cut your losses before mortgage/marriage/children.

Kelly O'Malley

In the meantime keep a very big lock on your cash!One of the few things more expensive than keeping horses is keeping a man who bets on them!

I've gotta project this summer starting a very sweet 12yr old stallion under saddle - wanna come down to Kilkenny and give me a hand?

luckat

Run! Run like the wind!

Fine a house share on daft.ie, borrow some money from the bank for moving-in money, move out.

If he borrowed "my" rent money, I assume you're the one with the lease? Cancel it forthwith. Tell him you're outy and why; when you've moved - just get a van and do the whole thing in one - tell him he's going to have to move too.

This is not a tenable relationship.

Nuttzz

SarahMc wrote: »

Kiss him and your €5K goodbye, and walk out the door.

It may be the shock he needs to clean up his act. Maybe it won't be, in which case you have cut your losses before mortgage/marriage/children.

i was just going to post the same thing, he's a long term project, any addiction will take years to over come and the person has to want to change in the first place, he doesnt want to at the moment

spurious

It's also quite likely he owes a good bit more than he is admitting to you. It's a bad situation you are in - if it were me, I would leave, because loving him is only going to make you make excuses for him and that won't help him (or you).

Amigomenor

This is hard fro him and its his form of escape. You need to talk to him rationally explaining to him what he is doing to himself. You need to explain to him that the money is gone and that he can stop and move on or else he can continue to chase his losses and end up losing everything. If he is a stubborn man(which is more than likely the case) he needs understanding and support, anything less and you are no use to him. This problem will not go away, its probably got him hooked so bad that he cant think straight. Maybe a holiday away from it all is the answer, forget the cost of this as he could lose the cost of many holidays in a day, you need to invest in him to gt a return. Tell him teh money he owes you can be paid back in time but that all you need is his effort to get this out of his system. Gamblers anonymous works for some but not all so dont think this is the only option. He is probably very clever so ask him to work on being clever in other areas of interest.

nikjess

Thanks to all for very valid replies. I have spoken (and argued) in depth with him about it. it's on my mind 24/7. I go to sleep feeling ill about it and wake up feeling as bad. For sure he is chasing his losses. I have got him to admit that he has a problem but am unsure whether he is telling me what I want to hear. He borrowed money on Saturday from his sister and told me he went to watch a race. He said he didn't back anything but I can't be certain. Then yesterday he had a win. Won about 200 euro and is telling me that he has a great tip for today and could have the rent money. The rent money isn't bothering me anymore. I am simply not paying it. I don't care what are the consequences. I have told him to ring the Landlord tomorrow and explain. As far as I am concerned i've paid my share.

Anyway i have given him the ultimatum....me or horses and one week to think about it. I am leaving next Staurday if he chooses horses over me. He can keep all the money he owes me. As someone on here says "I just don't need the stress". At the moment while I adore him I see no future for us -I couldn't marry someoen like him who has this huge problem consuming him.

if I have to leave him I will. I know it will be extremely difficult. But there is no option. I'm defo going to the GA meeting. I have told him and he doesn't want me to go -obviously!!! Thanks againb everybody

BigglesMcGee

nikjess wrote: »

This is text book stuff. Boyfriend is 38 professional. We live together and are "madly in love". From the onset of our relationship I knew he liked the horses and that was fine. Now things have escalated. He owes me 4850 and owes his brother another 2k while another family member has been approaced too. However I realised I had a serious problem on my hands when he gambled and lost our rent money. I'm devestated. I don't know what to do. He would kill me if I spoke to any family member about this but I dont think it is right for us to be giving him a "life line" everytime he is broke because of gambling. He blames me for the gambling saying I ma putting too much pressure on him. I know that isnt the truth and its just his way of dealing with it. He doesn't see he has a problem at all. In fact as I said he is true text book gambler......denial bigtime. I am at my wits end. Should I tell someone in the family? Should I just leave now while I am not married to him?? It would break my heart but i am so worried about the future. Thanks for listening and I really would love some advise. I have emailed gamblers anonymous for some info and hopefully I'll be able to attend a meeting...I know its he should be going but as I said ....in his eyes ...there is no problem...

Leave. If you marry him or buy a house with him then his problem becomes your problem as far as companies recovering money that he owes. You'll be in debt for the rest of your life.

gamer

i think you,ll have to leave him 2 have a normal life, so his response is ill solve problem ,by borrowing more money ,making more bets,he has the maturity of an 8year old kid,his only hope is an intervention,or his family meets up ,agrees give him no more money, like a drug addict he only thinks about the latest fix/bet , hes a train crash /disaster just going from 1 loan 2 another, doesnt realise hes has a addiction ,so he wins 200 and all his problems are solved.THIS problem maybe too much 4 you 2 take on,basically hes surviving on loans ,give he no more money,just say you ARE a gambling addict ,you need to stop it COMPLETELY.

AARRRGH

I know a couple of guys in their late 30's who have problems like your boyfriend.

One is the classic "keeping up with the Jones's" and has a horrendous amount of debt. Another has a cocaine problem. A few of them are "functioning" alcoholics.

None of them are willing to accept they have a problem. I don't know if this is because they can't or because they won't. Certainly all of them have emotional issues.

OP I think you should leave your boyfriend. I'm sorry, but having that kind of problem at 38 means he is a total **** up. Whatever about if he was a 13 year old and he spent your money, but he's 38 and he should know better. I have no doubt in my mind that you only know the tip of his problem. How much credit card debt does he have?

Your partner should make your life better. You are not his mammy nor are you his nurse.

You need to break up with him. This guy is just going to cause you continuous heartache.

anonymous_joe

If you love the guy suggest he get treatment for addiction?

sam34

anonymous_joe wrote: »

If you love the guy suggest he get treatment for addiction?

it is not up to her to sort his life out for him. he is an adult.
op- i think you should get out now. dont wait around for him to spend more and more of your money and drag you further down. addictss are by their very nature liars and deceitful and manipulative. why saddle yourself with this crap? you deserve better.

anonymous_joe

sam34 wrote: »

it is not up to her to sort his life out for him. he is an adult.
op- i think you should get out now. dont wait around for him to spend more and more of your money and drag you further down. addictss are by their very nature liars and deceitful and manipulative. why saddle yourself with this crap? you deserve better.

Just because she doesn't have to doesn't mean she can't offer the guy advice and support.

If I had a serious problem like that (thankfully I dont) I'd want those closest to me to offer me help and support.

sam34

anonymous_joe wrote: »

Just because she doesn't have to doesn't mean she can't offer the guy advice and support.

If I had a serious problem like that (thankfully I dont) I'd want those closest to me to offer me help and support.

from reading her posts it appears she's weary from doing that. she has said he refused to acknowledge there was a problem initially, but later admitted it( altho she suspects he's only paying lip service). he has accused her of nagging. he has lied to her. she has given him an ultimatum which he dismissed. she has suggested he get help, he refused. she has tried to get help for herself and he has tried to stop her doing that. she is afraid to confide in his family as he "would kill" her - he is isolating her from potential supports and dragging her down with him. she has tried admirably to help him, and has failed, through no fault of her own. how much more do you think she should do?

as i said before, i think she should cut her losses and get out.
she and his family should stop facilitating and enabling his addiction.

anonymous_joe

Fair enough.

I'm the kind of person who never knows when it's time to give up on someone. Causes me a fair bit of pain, so you're probably right.

AARRRGH

I think a lot of people have a lot of self hatred, so even if they know what they're doing is wrong, and even if loved ones are offering advice and help, they won't be able to stop doing what they're doing.

They need to hit rock bottom. This will only happen if they start losing everything, in particular their partner.

nikjess

Guys I really appreciate the posts. Its evident that everyone says I should leave him and deep down inside I know i should too. My gut feeling is leave and for a long time I've had red flags flying in my head about him. I just can not believe this has/is happening. You will all think I am a fool but here goes....I'm doing a bit of work earlier on the laptop ...he "asks" me can he go watch a race....I said i'd perfer if he didn't .....anyway we compromise by me taking his wallet from him. I know this is foolish as he can obviously borrow the money from some other gob****e but I just couldn't be dealing with him. I am a wreck from all this....I'm just going to have to leave. I don't see any other solution. It'll break my heart but this is breaking my heart anyway. As I type ...he is in Ladbrokes.

Chinafoot

nikjess wrote: »

Guys I really appreciate the posts. Its evident that everyone says I should leave him and deep down inside I know i should too. My gut feeling is leave and for a long time I've had red flags flying in my head about him. I just can not believe this has/is happening. You will all think I am a fool but here goes....I'm doing a bit of work earlier on the laptop ...he "asks" me can he go watch a race....I said i'd perfer if he didn't .....anyway we compromise by me taking his wallet from him. I know this is foolish as he can obviously borrow the money from some other gob****e but I just couldn't be dealing with him. I am a wreck from all this....I'm just going to have to leave. I don't see any other solution. It'll break my heart but this is breaking my heart anyway. As I type ...he is in Ladbrokes.

God that is really awful. It must be such a hard place for you to be in but you really do have to think about yourself and your future. You could alsi be doing him the biggest favour of his life by leaving and giving him the kick up the ass he needs to sort himself out.

I'd recommend telling his brothers and sisters before you go. He's so wrapped up in this addiction and will keep going while other people are willing to give him a dig out.

I hope you have some friends/family you can lean and and who'll reassure you you're making the right move.

Best of luck.

board om

Hey OP,

i know everyone says leave him but in my opinion, if you really love him and you think there is even a glimmer of hope then it is worth trying something first. maybe something that doesnt cost you financially and lets you know where you stand once and for all. first of all apporach his brother and tell him the whole story. and i mean tell him everything. his brother should know how the best way to apporach him. but probably after you have filled his brother in on everything the 3 of you should sit down to talk about it. explain to him exactly what his gambling is doing to your relationship and that unless he takes steps to sorting it out then you are leaving him. and by taking steps i mean he starts now. no last races, or watching races, etc. you sit down with him tonight and work out the debt side of things, how much is owed and to whom it is owed. then tomorrow evening he starts GA meetings. offer to go with him to the meetings if that helps. basically explain to him that you are in charge now and if he doesnt like any of this then you are leaving now. if he agrees to do these things then you will stick with him, but only as long as he plays by your rules. the truth is if he really loves you he will follow the rules laid out. if he has gone that far into his addcition that he wont listen to you, then pack your bags and leave, because he is not going to change anytime soon. having his brother there will help in the sense that he wont be able to talk you down if there are 2 of you saying it to him, and also he cant just say it is you moaning about it if his own brother is also agreeing with you.

but the main thing of all is to find out the root cause of it. is it that he wants more from life financially, or is he just loking for an escape from life? you need to find out what the hell it is that is motivating him to do this. and dont accept that it is you naggiing him that is the cause becuase that is not a reason, it is an excuse. i think this is where couples counselling will come into play. i think that should actually be one of the 'new rules'.

i know everyone says just leave him but after spending as much time together as you have i just dont believe that you should just give up on him like that. i just think it is worth seeing where you stand first.

all the best with what ever you decide.

nikjess

Thanks for your reply Board om. I am still here and he is still in the bookies. He should be home anytime soon and Im dreading it. I am so angry and worried about paying that bloody rent tomorrow. I could pay for it but i dont want to give in.

There is no way in hell he would go to GA and personally I believe he is doing this for the money rather then anything else...eventhough he earns around 3500 pm he hasn't a penny due to these ridiculous bets. There is always someone phoning with a tip and some "info" and its all riduclous. I just cant see how I can get him to see sense. I am defo going to get his brothers number and phone him tomorrow. There will be war if he ever finds out I did that -possibly leave me but I'll take my chances I am tired of it all and to be honest i'm lonely. He is never here and when he is ...he is on the phone or on the racing post website.

the_syco

nikjess wrote: »

He owes me 4850 and owes his brother another 2k while another family member has been approaced too. However I realised I had a serious problem on my hands when he gambled and lost our rent money.

Kick him to the kerb.

It's only a matter of time before he finds a money lender, and YOUR pocessions are repossed to pay for HIS debts.

If you want to help him, let his entire family know. He'll see it as betrayal, but as it stands, it sounds like he's borrowing from at least one of them already, and may be giving a BS reason for it (eg: urgent house repairs, etc).

sam34

nikjess wrote: »

I could pay for it but i dont want to give in...

possibly leave me but I'll take my chances I am tired of it all

if you pay his share of the rent than you are facilitating him and his addiction. stop covering for him.

he's not going to leave you while you are his source of cash, accommodation and food

board om

nikjess wrote: »

Thanks for your reply Board om. I am still here and he is still in the bookies. He should be home anytime soon and Im dreading it. I am so angry and worried about paying that bloody rent tomorrow. I could pay for it but i dont want to give in.

There is no way in hell he would go to GA and personally I believe he is doing this for the money rather then anything else...eventhough he earns around 3500 pm he hasn't a penny due to these ridiculous bets. There is always someone phoning with a tip and some "info" and its all riduclous. I just cant see how I can get him to see sense. I am defo going to get his brothers number and phone him tomorrow. There will be war if he ever finds out I did that -possibly leave me but I'll take my chances I am tired of it all and to be honest i'm lonely. He is never here and when he is ...he is on the phone or on the racing post website.

well worrying about him 'leaving you' is the least of your worries seeing as you are pretty much bags packed towards leaving him at this stage. a threat like that is a joke really, and if he does 'leave you' becuase you contact his brother then he has done you a favour really. it saved you from leaving him. actually, it is pretty much an idle threat considering the circumstances. i would have no qualms about calling his brother seeing as it is for his benefit, not yours. and he will thank you for it one day.

a lot of people who suffer from gambling addictions these days seems to be in it for financial gain. and it always seems to be people who earn good salaries already. in an age where you can pretty much gamble anywhere at any time thanks to online betting, it is quite easy for someone to get wrapped up in the whole betting thing. you need to snap him out of this. remember, all these threats he is making to you about not going to GA or approaching his family are meaningless. if you were afraid of losing him then they are a threat, but seeing as you are pretty much planning to leave him anyway, they mean nothing. you hold all the cards (no pun intended). he is in no position to make threats. you need him to understand that there is no sense to what he is doing, he is bascially throwing money away. he could have all the people in the world call him with tips but they mean nothing. as someone said to me before, unless you can actually talk to a horse and he can tell you how he is feeling that day, a tip is worthless. and he has to know this becuase if he is borrowing money then that means he is losing money. there is no such thing as easy money in this life.

do talk to his brother tomorrow and see what he thinks. but do not go paying that rent. it is not your responsibilty. what ever happens do not put anymore money into this relationship until you know where it is going.

all the best.

Amigomenor

nikjess if you leave him you were just another bad bet, otherwise you would stick around and help him. either way you are a loser as if you go you will just moan and if you stay you moan. Supose you leave and something bad happens, can you say you tried everything, not at this stage if i have read your posts correctly. best thing you can do is hand him the phone and say call them and i will be here otherwise take his bank cards and cash and just give him weekly amounts to spend each week. This is the worst addiction of the lot but can be solved with a strong support network. when things get better you will forget about everything as time heals all. I understand its hard on you but gambling is his form of escape so understand that.

sam34

Amigomenor wrote: »

nikjess if you leave him you were just another bad bet, otherwise you would stick around and help him. either way you are a loser as if you go you will just moan and if you stay you moan. Supose you leave and something bad happens, can you say you tried everything, not at this stage if i have read your posts correctly. best thing you can do is hand him the phone and say call them and i will be here otherwise take his bank cards and cash and just give him weekly amounts to spend each week. This is the worst addiction of the lot but can be solved with a strong support network. when things get better you will forget about everything as time heals all. I understand its hard on you but gambling is his form of escape so understand that.

lol to be honest.
this poor woman is not and cannot be her partners saviour. some people are beyond help until thay want to be helped. if she leaves him, you say she will be a loser- what does she lose exactly? she will lose a liability and a weight off her shoulders, nothingh more. her relationship is already crap. and she will never be able to forget about all this, it will always be there as will be the risk that he will relapse into old patterns of behaviour.
she owes him nothing at this stage.

board om

i dont agree with the part about you being a loser if you leave him, i dont know what that is all about.

but what i do know is if you are in a long relationship with someone and everything is going well, but then something like this happens, you dont just ditch your partner at the first sign of trouble. you try and work it out first. every relationship is going to have its problems. i dont know anyone who has a perect relationship. and this is one of those problems. you would like to think that if the situation was reversed your partner wouldnt ditch you if it turned out you had an addiction of some sort.

i belive that you genuinely love him and i dont think you should throw everything away because of this. i think you should at least try and salvage the relationship first. at least then you will know you tried. otherwise you are going to spend the next few years asking yourself "what if".

but as i said before, do not put anything into this financially.

SarahMc

nikjess wrote: »

Anyway i have given him the ultimatum....me or horses and one week to think about it. I am leaving next Staurday if he chooses horses over me.

Three hours later, and he is in the bookies. Sorry, hon, but he has made his choice.

Chinafoot

board om wrote: »

i dont agree with the part about you being a loser if you leave him, i dont know what that is all about.

but what i do know is if you are in a long relationship with someone and everything is going well, but then something like this happens, you dont just ditch your partner at the first sign of trouble. you try and work it out first. every relationship is going to have its problems. i dont know anyone who has a perect relationship. and this is one of those problems. you would like to think that if the situation was reversed your partner wouldnt ditch you if it turned out you had an addiction of some sort.

i belive that you genuinely love him and i dont think you should throw everything away because of this. i think you should at least try and salvage the relationship first. at least then you will know you tried. otherwise you are going to spend the next few years asking yourself "what if".

but as i said before, do not put anything into this financially.

Ah but the thing is, you're approaching this as if she just found the other day that he has a gambling problem. From her posts that really isn't the impression I got. There has to be a limit to how far things will go. He already owes her almost €5,000 so she is obviously aware that something hasn't been right. She also said that she had already given him the ultimatum. What more can she do?

Whatever about investing financially, she's going to be bankrupt emotionally by this man if she continues as they are. It's all well and good saying "Oh if you love him you'll stick by him. You wouldn't like it if he ditched you if you had a problem". The fact of the matter is, when it comes to addictions like this the only person who can really help him is himself. He needs to accept that he has a serious problem and so far he hasn't seem to have done that.

She should leave for her own sake. Even just to give him the shock that he needs to wake up to the fact that he has a problem.

board om

Chinafoot wrote: »

She should leave for her own sake. Even just to give him the shock that he needs to wake up to the fact that he has a problem.

a shock like that could scare him into reassesing his situation alright. if it doesnt then at least she will know where she stands and that he is a lost cause.

the only reason i said to try one more thing is because when someone has an addiction like this it is hard for them to realise it themselves and even harder for them to admit it. your right that the only person that can help him is himslef, that is without a doubt. but i just dont think the way to deal with someone with an addiction is to kick them while their are already down. i just think that if all else is good in the relationship and apart from this (quite serious) problem the rest is good, then it may be worth salvaging. it might not be but i do think it is worth at least thinking about it. when you are in a long term relationship you are with each other for better or for worse, so when one of you has a problem then the other isnt supposed to just go "well thats your problem, im off". they are suppposed to work together to fix the problem. now granted he may be a lost cause which is why i wouldnt recommend any more input finacially, but maybe by bringing his brother into it he might realise that things are more serious than he currently thinks they are. if the OP can get to the root of the problem then they could be on the way to fixing it, and this could be something that makes them stronger as a couple. it may also be the thing that tears them apart and finishes them as a couple. thats why i think it may be worth at least trying. where would we be if we didnt have someone to reply on when things go bad in life?

sam34

board om wrote: »

but i just dont think the way to deal with someone with an addiction is to kick them while their are already down

and i bet thats the kind of emotional blackmail/guilt trip her bf will start when he realises that shes carrying out her threat of leaving.