Maybe I'm just a B***ix

milkerman

The long running saga of the sister in law that owed us 10k has ended. We ended up going to a solicitor and she agreed to a payment plan. She defaulted on the plan in the third month, then engaged her own solicitor. Long & short of it being that we accepted 6250 euro on the basis that she didnt have another red cent and would have to sell her car. Cheque was paid over, I paid off the solicitor (350) and put the rest of the cash lost down to experience.
Have just found out today the wagon is just back from 2 weeks in the Canaries - so much for not having a red cent! (BTW still driving the same car)
Every time I hear of this woman my blood boils, I expect better of family. Whats worse is my wife's reaction- 'She needed the break, she was under a lot of pressure'. Maybe I'm being a bo**ix, but I would like to give her a 10 year 'holiday' in the Gulag for the hassle she has caused us. I definitely want no further contact, But my wife just wants us to play happy families again. I would prefer if this wagon had no further contact with us and no further contact with our kids. Am I being a Bo**ix? Is my wife right in just forgetting it all? Should I dig my heels in on this one?

NotInventedHere

You are understandably angry, but your'e wife is right let it go. life's too short to be holding grudges.

blah

Well, I've followed the saga, and as much as I feel like punching myself for saying this, it's over. Definitely put it down to experience, you've settled it, and it's over.

Of course you could harrass her about her holiday, you could make sure that everyone even remotely aquainted with her knows that she's a lying deadbeat, but you won't feel better about it.

I wouldn't say "be nice and pretend it never happened", but if you put your energy into holding a grudge and making sure she knows it, you'll wear yourself out, and all she'll do is just take another couple of weeks in the sun "because she needs a break". You've got your wife and your kids and your (some) money, so enjoy that.

seamus

There's no need to play happy families, but there's no need to go all out either. Just be civil when you see her, but you can be civil and also make it obvious that you've no wish to engage with the woman.

Make a point now of never offering her any more help, regardless of circumstances. If at some point in the future she's in the gutter, pregnant and dying of AIDS, leave her there.

Plek Trum

Ouch! I can totally appreciate your frustrations, seems like quite a shrewd mover. I guess it would depend on what the money was for really - if it was my sister-in law and she was in dire financial situtation with children to clothe and educate then I guess I could let it go. However, if the money was for work that you had done, or simply a loan in good faith then I wouldn't be too fast to let it go. 10G is an awful lot of money (regardless of whether you could afford to lend it or not). Why wasn't she able to repay it??

At this stage you know you are not going to see it again. Try and accept this as a lesson learned ("Never a borrower nor a lender be.." Shakespeare!) and look upon it as a refelction of your sister-in-laws personality. If she has that little respect for you and your wife, then maybe you can point this out gently when your wife suggests playing "happy families". Be civil yes, but as for socialising together, I think you would be within your rights not to partake.

AngryBadger

seamus wrote: »

There's no need to play happy families, but there's no need to go all out either. Just be civil when you see her, but you can be civil and also make it obvious that you've no wish to engage with the woman.

+1

milod

OP, I don't think you're a b******s - in fact I sympathise 100%. I've been in a few situations where family or friends are have thoroughly depressed me with their seeming lack of consideration. I'm not talking about forgotten birthdays here, but serious arrangements around lending money, allowing someone to use my credit card to buy something online, etc etc.

I've been told on one occasion that I expect too much from people - but apparently this means I expect people to repay a loan!

How you proceed depends on how much hassle you want in your life. The question is, if you treat your sister in law with the ambivalence she deserves, will your wife support that or even understand your annoyance?

I don't think you can expect your wife to cut her own sister out of her life, but I would expect her to understand your position and not arrange situations where you're expected to spend time in her company.

The basic reality is that your sister in law sh1t on her own doorstep and you shouldn't be expected to walk in it...

Duckjob

Agree with the advice given by the other posters here. Put the episode behind you but do it for your sake not your sister-in-laws.

If I were in your shoes I would write her and the remaining money off until such time as the remaining money was repaid along with an apology, but I wouldn't wait around for that. Right now you need to consider the matter closed and move on with your own life.

If your wife presses you to socialise, I would calmly but firmly point out that:-
- As far as the money goes, you consider the matter closed are not going to pursue the matter further.
- Her sister has damaged the relationship and therefore it is her responsibility to repair it if it is important enough to her.

Drummerboy2

When you agreed to accept her offer – it should have ended there. For all you know she has borrowed the money from another sucker to go on holidays. What you can content yourself with is the knowledge that she will never try and take advantage of your good nature in the future. Remember she is loved by your wife and don't let her come between you's again. Be civil.

milkerman

Yep, life is too short to waste any further time on this wagon. TBH although I wanted to throttle her I have maintained a polite (somewhat cool) approach, making it clear that a 'Hello' and 'Goodbye' was the extent of the contact. My wife on the other hand, was in her place turning the heating back on & putting milk etc in the fridge to make her return from yet another holiday as comfortable as possible.
What I am really asking is should I expect my other half to keep her sister at arm's length in view of what has happened? Not have a row or anything like that, just keep her at a distance and remember the sort of user she is.
My wife actually knew about her planned two week holiday at the time when sis' solicitor made the offer of 6250 saying that was the best possible offer. TBH I feel betrayed to an extent, I have said it to my wife and her only answer is 'She's my sister! I can't ignore her!'

larko

I think in most familys there is a member who gets carried and is more selfish than the rest. The others in family expect that person to be like that and people on the outside get really annoyed with being them being "taken advantage of".

I reckon that, however annoying it is for you, your partner is the only one who can make the decision of whether she wants to be p***ed off with her or not. I think you have learned a hard lesson but your partner is still going along with the "carrying" of her sister. It's a hard habit to break. I know.

I think that maybe there will come a day when your partner says enough is enough but only she can make that decision.

seamus

You don't have to show a united front in this case. If your wife wants to whitewash over her sister's bull****, let her do it. You're entitled to have a different attitude to her, you're an individual, just as she is. Her sister took you both for chumps (the money belonged to you both), but if your wife wants to ignore that, let her. Some people can't deal with conflicts and instead prefer to pretend that nothing's happened.

Be careful not to let this become an issue between you and your wife - just accept it as a difference of opinion about the person and leave it alone. Of course, keep an eye on money. If your wife wants to give her more money, then obviously put your foot down.

larko also made a point that I was going to make - remember that you're looking in from the outside to a certain extent. While to you, the sister's behaviour is completely dispicable, to your wife and her family, it's nothing new. The sister has probably been pulling this same crap all of her life and has never been pulled up on it. So your wife doesn't see anything particularly harsh or wrong in it, rather "That's just Mary" (or whatever her name is). People will often maintain strong family ties to users, because they've conditioned themselves to accept (and enable) that behaviour and love the person in spite of it.

K_P

milkerman wrote: »

What I am really asking is should I expect my other half to keep her sister at arm's length in view of what has happened? Not have a row or anything like that, just keep her at a distance and remember the sort of user she is.
My wife actually knew about her planned two week holiday at the time when sis' solicitor made the offer of 6250 saying that was the best possible offer. TBH I feel betrayed to an extent, I have said it to my wife and her only answer is 'She's my sister! I can't ignore her!'

Tbh, no you can't really expect that. I've followed this story too and I can completely sympathise with you. It makes me mad even reading about it really! If I was in her position, I don't think I'd be as understanding as your wife but I can also see how she feels torn between her sister and husband.

You've managed to get through this with your marriage and sanity intact and you got more than half the money owed to you back. It's not absolutely ideal, but it's a hell of a lot better than it could have been. So fair play to you for that.

You know now never to lend this wagon another cent. Be civil to her but distant. Your wife can't legitimately expect you to play happy families but at the same time you can't expect her to keep her sister at arm's length if that's not what she wants to do. Leave them be and don't give the sister another thought.

PS - The only thing I would say is try and be sure your wife isn't lending the sister money without you knowing. I realise this goes against much of what I said above, but it seems like the kind of thing that might happen.

Duckjob

milkerman wrote: »

Yep, life is too short to waste any further time on this wagon. TBH although I wanted to throttle her I have maintained a polite (somewhat cool) approach, making it clear that a 'Hello' and 'Goodbye' was the extent of the contact. My wife on the other hand, was in her place turning the heating back on & putting milk etc in the fridge to make her return from yet another holiday as comfortable as possible.
What I am really asking is should I expect my other half to keep her sister at arm's length in view of what has happened? Not have a row or anything like that, just keep her at a distance and remember the sort of user she is.
My wife actually knew about her planned two week holiday at the time when sis' solicitor made the offer of 6250 saying that was the best possible offer. TBH I feel betrayed to an extent, I have said it to my wife and her only answer is 'She's my sister! I can't ignore her!'

You know, families are odd entities and the saying "blood is thicker than water" is very, very true. The desire to keep the family dynamic intact is a deep rooted instinct, and that is probably what you are seeing in your wife's actions.

I think the best approach is to foster an "agreement" of mutual respect with your wife. Tell her you understand her sister is family and she loves her, etc, that you don't expect her to cut her sister out of her life.

By the same token, I would tell her that
- you will be polite and civil to her sister
- you've put the money issue behind you in the sense that you're not going to take it further, but
- her sisters relationship with you is separate and that relationship is damaged
- it is her sisters responsibility to repair that relationship by taking the appropriate steps if it is important enough to her.
- You respect your wife's position but you expect her to respect yours also.


If your wife pushes you on this, I think you need to be firm and stand your ground. Point out that you've already "contributed" to relieving the pressure by not pursueing the money anymore, but be clear that you're not going to be getting palsy-walsy with your sisterinlaw until such time as she makes amends.

I don't think you should attempt to lay down any rules regarding her coming to your house, socialising with your kids. Just distance yourself from her in any given situation.

nomorebadtown

I have followed the story and while I hesitate to slag off anybodys life partner but as I see it, your wife's actions are absolutely shocking.

You must be aware thet she has completely chosen her sister over you in the loyalty stakes? I know, in and of itself, your wife's carry on is no big deal but for me it is indicative of something wrong going on in terms of the ways she sees your relationship. She seems to be covering for her sister as she would have done back in school when the headmaster was going give out to her.

From this saga it dosn't seem like your wife has much respect for you as her husband, friend or as a man. I know that will sound very harsh considering I dont know you but from reading your posts, I am completely outraged and furious on your behalf. If I was in your shoes I would be having MAJOR doubts as to the nature of the relationship with my wife. Maybe its a pride or ego thing but I really dont think I could take it.

You got most of the money back. Good. You can have a distant but civil relationship with the sister-in-law now. Fine. Frankly, the money and the sister-in-law would be the last thing on my mind right now. I understand sibling loyalty but in my books your wife has betrayed you and has been a complete bitch to you.

How Strange

OP, I'd have to say that holding grudges takes alot of energy.

Your s-i-l is a devious cnut, no doubt about it but you made your point, you got (most of) your money back, she had to accept responsibility (to a degree) for her actions so draw a line under it and move on.

Holding a grudge will only cause a rift between you and your wife. The s-i-l doesn't sound like she's going to change anytime soon and will carry on with her feckless lifestyle regardless. Holding a grudge will only make you bitter. It won't happen over night but you should try to put this behind you.

You don't have to play happy families but I think you should adopt a civil demeanour when dealing with her but also make it clear to your wife that NEITHER of you will EVER lend that woman money again. And your wife should support you on that in exchange for you letting this whole thing go and moving on.

It was an awful situation to be put in because you could either be the mug who gave away 10k or be the baddie who brought his s-i-l to court. You did the right thing but it's time to draw a line under it and move on.

milkerman

nomorebadtown wrote: »

From this saga it dosn't seem like your wife has much respect for you as her husband, friend or as a man. I know that will sound very harsh considering I dont know you but from reading your posts, I am completely outraged and furious on your behalf. If I was in your shoes I would be having MAJOR doubts as to the nature of the relationship with my wife. Maybe its a pride or ego thing but I really dont think I could take it.

You got most of the money back. Good. You can have a distant but civil relationship with the sister-in-law now. Fine. Frankly, the money and the sister-in-law would be the last thing on my mind right now. I understand sibling loyalty but in my books your wife has betrayed you and has been a complete bitch to you.

There is a voice in the back of my head saying the same thing

nomorebadtown

I feel for you mate and i'm not trying to fan the flames of your discontent, i'm just calling it as I see it. good luck man.

Amazotheamazing

Have followed this from the start too, have to ask, does you wife appreciate just how badly she has let you down in all this? I understand supporting family, it's an important thing to do, but not to the extent where it causes a rift between you and your partner.

I'd be very disappointed if I were in your position, and sadly, more disappointed in your wife than in her sister.

Let the sister-in-law take care of herself, I'd be more concerned about your relationship with your wife.

King of Kings

milkerman
I've followed your story from the start. i firmly believe , from what you have said, that you are not the number 1 in your wife's life.
i feel if push cam eto shove she would have sacrificed her family with you , for her sis.
You are right to be pissed off with her sis and tbh it was wrng of your wife t try t let the sis away with be a devious selfish bitch

My advice is to forget the sister - say hi, and bye to her only, and examine your relationship with your wife.
Is that the person you want to spend the rest of your life with. she doesn't sound loyal to me - life to short to waist.

seamus

To be fair, I think the "Your wife thinks little of you" position is going way too far tbh. This would be true, if this wasn't the wife's sister we were talking about. Families will overlook a lot of stuff, and particularly so if a member of the family has a reputation for this kind of thing.
Perhaps it's lost on people who aren't that close to their own family, but you'd be amazed at some of the stuff that families forgive and forget about - stabbings, stealing, etc. "He might be an abusive, alcoholic thief, but by God he's my brother". Families tend to accept eachother's failings and stick by eachother regardless.

Also remember, this was his wife's money too, she has been no less wronged by her sister. It's not like the sister has done something specifically to the OP and his wife has ignored it. The sister has wronged them *both*, but the wife has chosen to gloss over it. That's her perogative, she's entitled to deal with it whatever way she wants.

King of Kings

seamus wrote: »

Also remember, this was his wife's money too, she has been no less wronged by her sister. It's not like the sister has done something specifically to the OP and his wife has ignored it. The sister has wronged them *both*, but the wife has chosen to gloss over it. That's her perogative, she's entitled to deal with it whatever way she wants.

sorry - it's milkermans' money too - he slogged hard , saved hard for that (or whatever portion he did)

That money coudl be spend on their kids,house, family holiday - but no she(the wife) would rather see her thief of a sister enjoy a grand old life on the back of milkerman's hard labour.

The sister is the the bad one - but the behaviour of the wife leaves a lot to be desired.
Also the sister will do it again and again cos the family keep forgiving her.

seamus

King of Kings wrote: »

Also the sister will do it again and again cos the family keep forgiving her.

And that's the family's problem, not the OP's. All he can do is make it clear that none of his money should ever help her again and that he refuses to engage with her. Outside of that, what the family do (including his wife) is none of his concern.

ferdi

seamus wrote: »

To be fair, I think the "Your wife thinks little of you" position is going way too far tbh.

I don't agree. Not only is his wife siding with her sister over him (even though the sister is completely in the wrong) but she lied to him, by way of omission, when she knew that the sister was going on a nice sun holiday (one of many) while claiming to be too broke to pay them back.

seamus wrote: »

Families will overlook a lot of stuff, and particularly so if a member of the family has a reputation for this kind of thing. Perhaps it's lost on people who aren't that close to their own family, but you'd be amazed at some of the stuff that families forgive and forget about - stabbings, stealing, etc. "He might be an abusive, alcoholic thief, but by God he's my brother". Families tend to accept eachother's failings and stick by eachother regardless.

None of this makes it right. Besides, the real issue is not if his wife is prepared to forgive and forget due to a twisted sense of family loyalty, the issue is the complete lack of respect that she has for him. The sister-in-law obviously views the OP and his wife as complete idiots. The OPs wife not only sides with this person over her husband but also lies, manipulates and guilt trips him about it. She has clearly outlined her priorities in black and white and the OP appears somewhere at the bottom of that list. Its not about the money anymore, it goes deeper.

seamus wrote: »

Also remember, this was his wife's money too, she has been no less wronged by her sister. It's not like the sister has done something specifically to the OP and his wife has ignored it. The sister has wronged them *both*, but the wife has chosen to gloss over it. That's her perogative, she's entitled to deal with it whatever way she wants.

her perogative? are you for real? even if we take your line that the money half belonged to his wife, what about the other half? is it her perogative to give his money away too?

OP i've read your previous threads about this. My take on it is that your wife's relationship with her sister is far more important to her than her marriage to you. If you are ok with this then grand. Just be aware of where you stand in the future and at least now you know what kind of woman you are really married to. Best of luck.

seamus

ferdi wrote: »

I don't agree. Not only is his wife siding with her sister over him (even though the sister is completely in the wrong) but she lied to him, by way of omission, when she knew that the sister was going on a nice sun holiday (one of many) while claiming to be too broke to pay them back.

Actually, I misinterpreted this

My wife actually knew about her planned two week holiday at the time when sis' solicitor made the offer of 6250 saying that was the best possible offer.

As meaning that he knew about this holiday as well. If his wife knew but didn't tell him, then yeah, there's a shedload of discussion to take place as she's clearly protecting her sister to the detriment of her own family with the OP.

milkerman

Thanks for the replies.
The differing views fall into two camps (1) What my wife does is her business and I should just ignore her sis from now on (2) Ignore my sis in law from now on and dont depend on loyalty from my wife.

(1) is hard to swallow and (2) is sickening.

Dont know what to say, do or think.

paperclip2

Hi Milkerman

No one elses opinion actually matters except your own. You are the expert on your own life and relationship with your wife. We aren't. If its upsetting you to the extent it is then the person you have to talk again to is your wife.

We are all looking at your relationship with your wife through her relationship with her sister. Things are bound to be confused and unclear. Also I agree with the posters who said that family dyanmaics can make rational people do very strange and out of character things.

If you are confused about how your wife feels about you then look at other aspects of your relationship seperate from your s-i-l. (Who sounds like a biatch in high heels!)

Saint_Mel

I've also been following the story on and off since the start. Definately not a bo**ocks in my opinion.

Dunno if it was mentioned but why could she not have sold her car to repay the rest of the debt??
Jebus with all these holidays she must be away more that Kathryn Thomas! Even with the holiday she needs spending money so she's obviously getting tio from somewhere.

The "blood is thicker than water" phrase is true and people only realise how true it is when they get stung by it.

As for a grudge, as was said before, they're hard work. If possible just avoid any confrontations or situations that has ye in the same place at the same time, or if thats unavoidable just dont bother making an effort to talk to her. No need for anger or rudeness, just pass yourself off.

Drift

Hey Milkerman,

I wouldn't go calling the divorce lawyer just yet!!!!!

You Sister in Law
Your sister in law shafted you rightly but at least you proved you meant business by getting the solicitor and getting 6 grand back. Forget about it, move on, life's too short. Just be standoff-ish and uninterested in her henceforth.


Your Wife
MUCH more important that your sister in law. If you feel it's reasonable sit her down and have a chat about what you think happened, but after that let it go completely. Never mention it again! I personally don't think your wife is deliberately being disloyal. I think she just hasn't been badly screwed over by the sis yet. If your sister in law continues in her ways you can be certain at some stage she'll f*ck over your wife too. Then you'll be able to smile and think "I told you so" .... NEVER EVER EVER say it though

LegacyUser

I feel similarly about it as nomorebadtown.
For me, this is all about loyalty and not so much about the money.
I have not seen any other thread about this. Based on what I have read here alone, I got the distinct impression that your wife's loyalty was more with her sister than with you.

This wouldn't be an acceptable situation for me. For me, with friends, unless there is complete loyalty, there is no friendship. However, I understand that other people don't feel as strongly about things like loyalty, honour and integrity as I do.

I also don't believe that people should be forgiven until they have understood what they did was wrong, accepted that they were in the wrong, and feel genuine remorse. I have been told that I may expect unreasonably high standards from others though, so perhaps my perspective is skewed.

Grawns

You're not being a b***ix. You're just furious. Ignore the b**** for the rest of your life (however be civil) , that's what I'd do. Your wife will understand.

I have a brother in law who is lower than a worm ( lazy ignorant immmature tw*t )and we treat each other like that. My sister understands ( she knows what he's like after all) and she and I get on just fine.

badolepuddytat

Wow! Going on this post it seems that your wife is giving your sister unconditional acceptance of unacceptable behaviour. I think you and your wife should go to counselling to discuss the issues that this has brought up and address how matters like this will be dealt with should they arise again (and they will). She was very underhand in keeping information about her holiday from you. The fact that her sister was happy to disclose this information to her knowing that you were pursuing legal intervention is mindboggling. Total lack of respect shown to you, your family and your relationship. As others have said, you've tried to be reasonable and fair yet there was a conspiracy to 'screw' you out of as much as possible.

the_syco

Having followed this through, I agree your not a bo||ix.

Blank the B|tch completley. F**k happy families. Do a BBQ for the extended family, and bar the b|tch from coming.

Golferx

Personally I feel the OP is being 100% correct in his approach to retrieve his family's money. It does appear his wife has no value on money and little respect for his feelings.

I would suggest the OP make a point to his wife about the money, something like cancelling a foreign holiday, or not changing the car, and showing it as a result of being defrauded out of €4000. I would, if I was the OP, seriously contemplate setting up some sort of hidden (from his wife) bank account to secrete money, because it seems she does not place any value on money at the present time.

I have had a similar experience (not quite coughing up money) where emotional blackmail was used to get me to contribute to a request for aid, a request I felt was unjustified. While others agreed with my feelings on the subject, they chickened out and paid up, leaving me to be the "bad" guy,

MIN2511

Isn't it time to stop complaining? If you didn't think the amount agreed was fair you should have said it to her.... You can't deny her holidays because she owed you
For all you know she took a second mortgage or got a loan....

I think it's time for you to let go

Kelly O'Malley

Question Milkerman.

How would you feel about it if it was a member of your family that had done it to you rather than an in-law?Would you behave any differently?How would you expect your wife to feel about the offending loaner?

koneko

Based on this thread alone, I'd say your wife sounds like a complete push over, and that the sister is probably the "baby" of the family maybe? She seems to feel like she needs to cover up for her mistakes and take care of her constantly. We all love our families, but your wife doesn't seem to realise that sometimes you need to be straight with family, and letting them get away with whatever they want is NOT a good thing. If it were up to your wife, she would have just said "forget about paying the money back", right? In the meantime sister learns nothing and keeps swanning off on holidays and to the pub, probably ends up borrowing money again because someone will bail her out. When was the last time you, your wife and your kids went on holiday? Sounds like the sister in law has had several during this ongoing saga.

But based on your other thread ("The €10k") it seems a bit worse, she went behind your back then to your sollicitor, you talked to her, you showed her posts on that thread and told her how upset you are, she doesn't seem to have taken any of that on board since then. Have you two spoken properly about it all recently?

Really tough situation in any case, hope it all works out for the best, have you two considered some sort of couples' counselling?

vorbis

I've read the previous threads and I'm sorry to say that your wife has f*cked you over YET again milkerman. If it was me I'd be having SERIOUS doubts about continuing the marriage. Your wife does not have you as her number one priority. That belongs to her family. Through this saga, your wife has always sided with her sister and obstructed your attempts to collect the money.

You wouldn't accept this kind of ****ty behavior from a friend, why would you accept it from your wife? The sad thing is that no amount of talking will make her respect you the way she should. Your wife just thinks she can bully you into submission. The only options seem to be to continue with this setup (your wife having a lack of loyalty and self respect for you) or to get out.

milkerman

Kelly O'Malley wrote: »

Question Milkerman.

How would you feel about it if it was a member of your family that had done it to you rather than an in-law?Would you behave any differently?How would you expect your wife to feel about the offending loaner?

Families can be ****ty, including mine!
When they step out of line I step on them. It has happened but I dealt with it fast. We have never been at a loss because of my family. How would my wife feel? How would I know?
My sis in law will be attending a family doo next week, I may choose not to be pleasant that day. If yer labelled a bo**ix, why not act like one?

Grawns

Right on mate! It's way to soon to even pretend to be polite. If you went you'd probably start want to start quizzing her about her car and holiday. Nasty B****

Overheal

milkerman wrote: »

Thanks for the replies.
The differing views fall into two camps (1) What my wife does is her business and I should just ignore her sis from now on (2) Ignore my sis in law from now on and dont depend on loyalty from my wife.

(1) is hard to swallow and (2) is sickening.

Dont know what to say, do or think.

I have no other way to say it so excuse me when I suggest your Wife probably does the same for your sake more than you think. Hard to swallow? Most definitely; but 2 isn't an option, is it?

I've followed this one from the begining and I was one of your first advocates for nailing the **** but at this stage, what, a year later nearly(?) whats more important: your sanity or 3,000 euro?

I rightly assume by now she isn't seeing another cent from you so just let it go?

milkerman

Overheal wrote: »

I have no other way to say it so excuse me when I suggest your Wife probably does the same for your sake more than you think. Hard to swallow? Most definitely; but 2 isn't an option, is it?

I've followed this one from the begining and I was one of your first advocates for nailing the **** but at this stage, what, a year later nearly(?) whats more important: your sanity or 3,000 euro?

I rightly assume by now she isn't seeing another cent from you so just let it go?

Hi Overheal,
TBH the money doesnt worry me too much. It is the fact that I have managed to sort this out DESPITE MY WIFE'S EFFORTS.

My wife does not tolerate much from me or mine and will be very direct when she wants to be. This has caused us a lot of hassle. We even went to a counsellor and when the subject came up the counsellor asked my wife why she continued to defend someone that was doing us harm. There was no satisfactory answer.

Maybe it is just me and maybe it's a bad day but I am really tempted to walk. I feel the last 20 years of hard work and playing it straight has been for f*** all.My marriage has cost me a lot in terms of friendships,family, enjoying life, worry etc and for what? She has undermined me in this case and it hurts.
I have explained this to her but get nowhere.

Amazotheamazing

To be honest, this isn't really about your sister in law anymore, it seems to be about where you and your wife are going in the relationship. From what you're telling us, you're both on completely different pages at the minute.

If this was the only issue with your wife (she loves her sister, I think most people could deal with that) but there seems to be a lot of other stuff going on too.

Either way, you'd be better off talking to her in a open and frank manner than getting yourself worked up here over her sister.

Wagon

Nah your not a bollix mate I followed that last thread of yours and I honestly can't blame you for feeling betrayed. But you have to realise that some people feel the need to defend stupidity because they're related to it and you're wife holds this view sadly. I hate saying this cos I don't know your wife but that's a small minded notion only she can change in herself.

The fact that your wife isn't tolerant of your mistakes however is a problem. Tell her that all these problems could have been avoided if she wasn't so bloody short sighted in relation to problems with her family. Point out to her that you're family too! You're her husband! And that you made sacrifices for her! You had the patience of a saint.

In terms of her sister, just ignore the bitch. Who cares if she takes a holiday? Karma will bite her in the ass one day and you can laugh your own off at her when it happens.

Reku

How Strange wrote: »

You don't have to play happy families but I think you should adopt a civil demeanour when dealing with her but also make it clear to your wife that NEITHER of you will EVER lend that woman money again. And your wife should support you on that in exchange for you letting this whole thing go and moving on.

I think this sums it up pretty well, if your wife decide to disregard your wishes then I'd have to say that it's clear her loyalties are not with you and it may be time to talk to a divorce lawyer. I know people keep bringing up the family bond but the only time we get to choose our family is when we marry, as such the highest loyalty should be to the person we are claiming we most want to call family.

Perhaps a little horrid of me (though thankfully Golferx has also suggested it) but if you're not sure you can trust her to abide by this perhaps you'd best start keeping your earnings in a personal account instead of a joint one, at least then it will be her own money she'll be limited to throwing away on her sister.

As to the sister in law, remain polite but clear that you no longer have any time for her or her antics.

I hope this ends well but looking at your most recent post I'm left feeling that your wife comes from a selfish family who only look out for themselves and their family, which regardless of vows you are not part of as far as she is concerned. Nearly seems you're just a banklink.:(

K_P

farohar wrote: »

I hope this ends well but looking at your most recent post I'm left feeling that your wife comes from a selfish family who only look out for themselves and their family, which regardless of vows you are not part of as far as she is concerned. Nearly seems you're just a banklink.:(

That's a pretty big assumption to make. None of us here, other than the OP obviously know the real situation

OP, the bottom line is that if this is how you're feeling, your wife needs to know. She needs to know how important things like trust and loyalty are to you and that this could be a serious threat to your marriage. I'm not trying to minimise what your sister in law has done or how hurtful your wife's support of her sister has been. However, much as it annoys me that the sister in law got away with a few grand, how much worse would it be if her actions led to the break up of your 20 year marriage.

For now, forget about the sister in law. That whole issue is done and dusted. You need to focus on your marriage now. Maybe marriage counselling wouldn't be a bad idea? I'm sure this whole episode has taken its toll on everyone in the family.

Reku

K_P wrote: »

That's a pretty big assumption to make.

Not really, he has stated in this thread about how she does not hold back when it comes to putting up with him or his family's acts that upset her, yet she has even tried to do things behind his back (mentioned in the prior thread how she was talking to their solicitor behind his back) to support and protect her sister from any attempts of reactions from him to deal with the sister in law's act which had upset him. This shows that she puts her family on a higher pedalstal than she does him.
That she

has cost me a lot in terms of friendships,family, enjoying life, worry etc

doesn't exactly make her sound loving and caring of her partner's feelings now does it?

LouOB

milkerman wrote: »

Hi Overheal,
TBH the money doesnt worry me too much. It is the fact that I have managed to sort this out DESPITE MY WIFE'S EFFORTS.

My wife does not tolerate much from me or mine and will be very direct when she wants to be. This has caused us a lot of hassle. We even went to a counsellor and when the subject came up the counsellor asked my wife why she continued to defend someone that was doing us harm. There was no satisfactory answer.

Maybe it is just me and maybe it's a bad day but I am really tempted to walk. I feel the last 20 years of hard work and playing it straight has been for f*** all.My marriage has cost me a lot in terms of friendships,family, enjoying life, worry etc and for what? She has undermined me in this case and it hurts.
I have explained this to her but get nowhere.

I think you have just answered your own question re wife

If love and trust is not there its not worth the effort
Have 'break' from each other for awhile - head on hols with few lads
You will figure it out in your own time.

How Strange

OP, I really didn't want to say against your wife but it seems that yes you both have a problem which needs to be addressed.

I think I said it in one of your previous posts but sit her down and engage her in a conversation entitled 'how I feel you've treated me throughout this entire mess'. Don't blame the sister but direct your feelings at your wife and tell her how you felt each time she betrayed you or didn't back you up.

It probably won't be an easy conversation but ask her to pay you the courtesy of sitting there and listening.

I hope it works out for you both and you get back on track

milkerman

Thanks for all the advice. I have a cooler head today and have spent most of last night awake & thinking.
In the course of everyday life you encounter nasty people occasionally, thankfully 99.9% of the human race are fairly OK. My sister in law just happens to be part of the .01%. So I will treat her as I always treat the .01%- from the maximum possible distance.

My wife is a different matter. I dont believe she is part of the .01% but I think that she equates being married to someone as being able to get away with a lot of sh*t. It has been my fault in the past to let her away with a lot of cr*p & just accept it. I am not saying I'm a saint but I always seem to be the one that gives in first in any argument. I have tried speaking to her but am met with a brick wall. GOD KNOWS I HAVE TRIED TALKING TO HER but it makes no difference. I think she has found a comfort zone for herself and has forgotten that marriage needs commitment, honesty & loyalty from BOTH sides.

I have decided to move out for a short while at least just to give both of us space to think. Perhaps the break will allow each of us see what we miss in each other. I am taking a few hours off today to go look for somewhere. I hope this is for the best.

How Strange

OP, I'm really sorry to hear that it has come to this stage between you.

Hopefully you can work through it.