Wife or girlfriend?

LegacyUser

I'm a 31 yo man and married, we have three kids that we both worship. I haven't loved my wife in years and we regularly fight, we don't have sex at all anymore. I'm only still there because of the kids because it would devastate them if I left.

Recently I met a woman who is everything I have always wanted, she's stunning looking, funny and genuinely a really nice person. I have been seeing her behind my wife's back.
I love her and her to me.

My wife know that we are only together because of the kids as it was said a couple of times to each other during our rows.

I'm in bits over this because I think this is truely my chance to be with the woman I love and adore but I really don't ever want to split from my kids.

My wife and I put on a good show in front of others who think we have great relationship
but its all to keep the kids in a stable home which i think we have. My kids are doing well in school and are confident, outgoing and well balanced, I really don't want to mess with that. They are all under ten.

What I'm asking is what is the best course of action for me, my new love wont hang around for ever because she wants to settle with me and have our own kids.

biko

My advice being blunt is - leave your wife, see your kids on the weekends and marry this new woman.
Kids are more resilient than you think. If you explain it I think they will be ok with it, just guessing of course.

RedXIV

If your kids hadn't been so young, i'd have agreed with Biko straight off. But 3 kids under 10? even if your not in love with your wife, your going to be putting an insane amount of strain on her.
Have you spoke to your wife about this?
Is she seeing anyone?
How far away will you be from the kids if you do leave?

Acid_Violet

Talk it out with your wife, you two clearly need to be with other people, and let her know that she needs to be with someone else too.

Bear in mind that the fighting and living with two parents who don't love each other will have a much worse effect on the kids than splitting up will. Imo (and I take this from personal experience I've had with my parents) it's much worse if the kids witness the fighting and if they feel as if their parents are only together for their sake.

Sherifu

You only get one shot at it. You can still be a father to your kids away from your wife.

AARRRGH

Difficult one.

Although I agree some kids can be tougher than we think, the reality is some take a divorce very badly. Only you know how your kids might react.

Can you talk to your wife about this? Would she care you are seeing someone else?

ozchick

Milton123 wrote: »

I'm a 31 yo man and married, we have three kids that we both worship. I haven't loved my wife in years and we regularly fight, we don't have sex at all anymore. I'm only still there because of the kids because it would devastate them if I left.

Recently I met a woman who is everything I have always wanted, she's stunning looking, funny and genuinely a really nice person. I have been seeing her behind my wife's back.
I love her and her to me.

My wife know that we are only together because of the kids as it was said a couple of times to each other during our rows.

I'm in bits over this because I think this is truely my chance to be with the woman I love and adore but I really don't ever want to split from my kids.

My wife and I put on a good show in front of others who think we have great relationship
but its all to keep the kids in a stable home which i think we have. My kids are doing well in school and are confident, outgoing and well balanced, I really don't want to mess with that. They are all under ten.

What I'm asking is what is the best course of action for me, my new love wont hang around for ever because she wants to settle with me and have our own kids.

Would your kids really be devastated if you left, would they miss all those rows??

You and your wife 'put on a good show'? How do you think you are fooling? Is it really a stable home? Just cos there is a mum and dad doesn't mean stability. You arent being a role model if you don't love their mother. Buddy, kids arent' stupid, they observe and learn by that, even if you think you don't row in front of them, they aren't dumb.

You can't have your cake and eat it too. You have to choose and it sounds like your new love doesn't want to be 'second best'.

You will also need to know you aren't going to repeat the same mistakes in this relationship, just cos it's new.

I'm not being harsh, just realistic. I have seen lots of people suffer this dilemma and there is no easy solution. You either leave on good terms and stay in contact with your kids and support them financially (don't know what the laws are like here, but in Oz you have to pay support) and will your new lady be happy about that?

All the best with the choice you make. Hope it works out ok for everyone

Nevyn

Is it possible for you to co habit with the mother of your children and be a family unit do your sharing of the parenting and be single ?
Be it seperate beds or seperate bedrooms ?

Talk to your wife about it there are more people in such situations then most people realise and it is doable as long as there is respect between the parents.

DetectivFoxtrot

Leave your wife OP, there's no other option. Gone are the days when divorce was frowned upon and you 'made it work for the kids'. Nothing worse than growing up in a house with parents that do not love each other, trust me. And the putting on a show for outsiders is more damaging in the long run than admitting the dysfunction and doing something about it in the short term. It will be a tough time for all but from reading your post it seems your wife wants out too it's just a matter of initiating it.

And as a previous poster said you don't stop being their Dad just because you are seperated from their mother.

These things happen to the best of us. Hugs and good luck,
((((O)))))

LegacyUser

Thanks for the answers.

You see, the thing is, I don't hate my wife at all. I think she would be happy plodding along as we are. We often even share the odd joke. Our home isn't a cauldron of hate and the kids very rarely hear us arguing because we shelter it from them.

One of my kids did ask me a while ago why we don't hold hands and kiss like other mums and dads. it nearly broke my heart.

Our relationship is 100% loveless.

I think if I told her I leaving she would probably be a little upset but not surprised. I don't think she has another man at the moment but I think she has been unfaithful before, in fact, I'm sure she has.

My problem is my kids, I'm so close to them and them to me. It really would break their hearts if I left. My plan before i met my now partner was to leave when the kids were older when they wouldn't be so dependant on me but my situation is several years to early.

This situation has really depressed me and its even effecting my job.

Sanjuro

Having had my parents split when myself and my sister were pretty young, I'd say your children more than likely will settle with the new arrangement if you do leave your wife. It'd be tough at first, but things would get better. Especially considering yourself and the wife are fighting so much. Kids pick up on bad atmosphere even if they don't see the fights. For the sake of your own happiness and everyone else's, I'd say move on.

Macha

The mother of a girl I know left her husband when her youngest daughter turned 18. The kids knew she just stayed in her unhappy marriage for them and it made them feel extremely guilty.

I think you should be aware of the pros & cons of either decision. But in the end, can you really lead this fake life for much longer?

chuci

op whats the point in staying in a loveless relationship? kids are tougher than you think it will be hard on them but no worse than the negative energy and the rows that ye have when you think they are asleep. you need to leave before this marriage becomes any more farcical. as for the other woman who you love dont rush into marriage or having more kids esp as it will only confuse matters for your children give them the time and attention they need after this break.

Beruthiel

Milton123 wrote: »

This situation has really depressed me and its even effecting my job

Of course it is.
Your head is melted.
You cannot continue to make yourself act in a way that you are not happy with.
You have to leave.
You get one chance at life and right now both of you are living in no mans land, treading water and wasting your lives away.

One of my kids did ask me a while ago why we don't hold hands and kiss like other mums and dads. it nearly broke my heart.

Kids aren't stupid. They see a lot more than you think.

My problem is my kids, I'm so close to them and them to me. It really would break their hearts if I left.

I split with my husband when my daughter was seven. She is in college now and a great girl.
It will of course initally upset your children, but if you handle it right, you will be grand.

You must do the following:

Find a place to live near by, doing that makes life easier for everyone. As they get older they will be able to come visit you of their own accord.
I did this, it meant my daughter could come visit whenever she felt like it.

See them regularly, at the same time every week. That shows consistancy and they can rely on the fact that it's saturday so Dad will be along.

Show your love for them, tell them you love them.
Most importantly, make sure they know you're leaving because you no long love your wife and it has nothing to do with them. You will always love them.

Talk to them a lot. Phone them.
You will find if you do the above, you may even have a better relationship with them because of the bigger effort you put into them. That has been my experience anyway.

It will be difficult at the start as you get used to the new arrangments, but as time goes on, everyone will get used to it. More importantly, your kids will have happier parents.

Keep an open relationship with your ex wife, make sure you both talk to each other regarding the kids.
As they get older, they make sometimes try to play one parent off the other.
Keeping in constant contact with your ex means ye are all on the same page and if your kids know that, there will be no messing.
Best of luck.

paperclip2

Hi OP.

My perspective is a little different from the above. While I do agree wholeheartedly that we only have one shot at life and need to make ourselves happy I really feel for your wife in all of this.

You say you no longer love her but at some point you felt enough to marry and have three children with her. Reading your post i got a sense of a huge distance that had built up between you over the last few years. I dont know, but being a parent with two kids I find I barely see my husband from one end of the week to the other sometimes and that has put huge pressure on us to find time to keep our relationship going.

Managing three under tens is huge work and if both you and your wife put all your energies into your children then where was the time and space for you and her to do and be the things you were to each other before you became Mammy and Daddy?

You say that she is also only there for the sake of the children and that she has said this in rows. But we can all say things that aren't strictly true in the heat of argument. She could be seeing where things are headed with you and want to get the boot in first. You say she was unfaithful but she is still there with you, that might mean she still wants to make it work maybe. You seem to be on relatively good speaking terms and you speak fairly about her in your post so at least you aren't hating each other.

It could be the case that your relationship with your wife is over but to me it looks like there is so much that you have to get to the bottom of before you end it completely. Not least because you indicate that you want a family with your new lady and if all that has happened with your wife is that you fell out of love then knowing how to stop that from happening might be a good idea for you in a new relationship.

You sound like a decent guy OP, its clear you adore your children and think the world of them and i think its admirable that you want to keep them as protected as possible. My advice, for what its worth, is that before you pack the bags, have a long and honest talk with your wife. Get someone to take the kids overnight and lay your cards on the table. At least it could help you and your wife to draw a line under this relatinship and give you some sort of sound footing to develop a good co-parenting strategy which will work for your children.

A last piece of advice: I know from direct expereince how important it is that adults behave like adults in a break-up for the sake of the children. Kids can and do adapt to having two houses and two sets of parents /step parents and it can all work out really well if the childrens interests are put to the fore. You seem like a dad who would do that.

Good luck OP and I hope all goes well for you and your familiy.

(Sorry for the long post.)

LaVidaLoca

Tell us about this girlfriend.

Is she the same age as you? Is she better looking than your wife?

Is there any possiblility that you're just doing that classic male thing of losing interest in your wife cause she's a little older and saddled with babies, in order to run after some 19-year-old Swedish Au-Pair girl?

Just checking.

AngryBadger

paperclip2 wrote: »

Hi OP.

My perspective is a little different from the above. While I do agree wholeheartedly that we only have one shot at life and need to make ourselves happy I really feel for your wife in all of this.

...

Good luck OP and I hope all goes well for you and your familiy.

(Sorry for the long post.)

Have to say +1 to this post. Also have to say dam fine post, (are people doing something differently today, that's the second post I've felt compelled to compliment and it's not even lunch time )

Rev Hellfire

I certainly agree that you should dump the wife, but only do so when it is expedient to do so.
Before that you should certainly look into how you can secure both your assets and rights to your kids which will be most definitely threatened once you proceed with a separation. Plan ahead like it’s a military campaign.
You may have made a mistake when marrying your current wife but there’s no reason you should be punished for it.

tbh

my folks split up, and they are the best of friends now, everyone is really happy. It can work out, and imo, it's better to have two happy parents apart than unhappy together. It's hard on the kids, but that's life. As for the hows - when I read beruthials post, I had a tear in my eye. It's how my folks did it and it's perfect, perfect advice. best of luck.

Kooli

I think the OP is getting off VERY lightly here (apart from that great post that looked at things from the wife's perspective).

The fact is, he is having an affair, which is a total betrayal of his wife. He justifies it by saying she 'knows' they are only together for the kids. But firstly, you only say that cos of things that have been said in the heat of an argument, which don't necessarily reflect how she feels the rest of the time. Secondly, if you are so sure this is how you BOTH feel about things, why haven't you told her you have a new girlfriend?

What stands out for me is a total lack of communication. It doesn't seem you guys have discussed your problems or talked about your future and made a decision together. Until you do that I don't really care how good looking your new girlfriend is or how excited you are about your second chance at love. If your marriage is going to end, at least do in a way that shows your wife the respect you say you have for her.

And, to restate the obvious, kids aren't stupid and they will be happier if there parents are living separately and happily, than if they are living together unhappily, and faking happiness so the kids can't even express their fears about it.

Maggie Simpson

Just out of curiosity OP, how old is your girlfriend? Is she going to want kids soon & do you think this would be the best idea for your kids??

token56

This situation is very familar for me. My parents went through this exact same thing not more than a year ago. For 5 years the stayed "together" for us, their 3 kids. Now they basically co existed in the same house. Stayed in slept in seperate rooms, led pretty much seperate lives. I was 12/13 when this started so a bit older than your kids are now I suppose. It was a very strange and un-natural enviroment to live in, even though my parents did their best to act as a normal couple through this time we could obviously see something is not right. So from this I can tell Kids always know something is off no matter how much you try and the notice this more the older they get.
Now after 5 years my parents sort of had enough playing happy families I guess and we were pretty much mature enough to realise the full extent of things at this stage. My father moved out so he could think about things properly, he was sort of involved with a women for about a year at this stage. My mother was devistated when he moved out as were we and especially me, being the only boy. But I had previously suffered with depression and this made things a hell of alot worse. I found it very hard to cope with this especially my father seeing another women and my mental health was bottoming but that is another story.
But i guess this story has a happy ending after my father moved out he realised he made a mistake and said he wanted to come back. My mother told him the only way this was going to happen if the got back as a proper couple, slept in the same bed etc. Thing were a bit strange for a while because my sisters had a hard time forgiving him. I guess I was just delighted to see my dad back. Two years since then and things are now better than they ever were.

I guess from my experience the best advice I can give you is to make a decision one way or the other. Trying to play happy families or whatever doesn't work and is good for no one. Either you decide to try make your marriage work, get counselling or something and work at it. Or tell your wife your leaving, try to find happiness elsewhere but still try to father your kids. There is no easy decision here people will get hurt regardless. I guess you just have to decide what you really want.

smcgiff

Tough one. And something else for you to consider...

You move out - Get new life wife new Girlfriend (have to wait five years to get divorce) and your wife moves a new man into your home and is your kids stepfather.

I don't know enough to give definitive advice. Best of luck though.

LegacyUser

I think you're being a bit selfish here. It is one thing to leave your wife because you haven't been getting along. It is quite another to leave your wife for another woman. Yes, I can see how it would be distressing to live in a house where your parents are not getting along so maybe you should think about splitting up, but going straight into a relationship with this marvelous new woman you have met is a selfish move. What makes you think the same thing wont happen with this new woman? You'll have a few children, you'll start arguing, you'll fall out of love, then another perfect woman for you will come along....
How do you think your children will see that? Think about this for a moment. Do you honestly want to cod yourself about this? The scenario you're talking about here is splitting up with your wife, moving out, starting up with the new girlfriend, possible new magically problem free family. Here's the bit your children are going to find difficult. You want to start a family with the bit you've been seeing on the side. So, your children are all under ten, they're still very young, they need their parents, and it will look to them that they were not good enough for you. That is it in a nutshell. You can sugar coat that in whatever way you want.

marti101

What are you going to do if your wife finds out in the meantime that if she doesnt already know and she is biding her time.Talk to your wife before this all blows up in your face .Plus you get on great with your gf because you dont have day to day issues with her,you dont have the same problems.Unless you resolve your problems with your wife yoa are going to make the same mistakes.I really think break up with your wife and have a few months to yourself and then think about a relationship.Have you really decided that your marriage is finished because have you come to terms that your wife might have another man who will be spending time with your children.Think it through from all angles wot if your gf doesnt like your children get some advice bout rights and entitlements so at least your covered and come clean to your wife its the only way forward

DetectivFoxtrot

Kooli wrote: »

I think the OP is getting off VERY lightly here .

It's not about 'getting off lightly' in the thread, the chap is looking for some advice irrespective of whether his actions to date are right or wrong. What would be the point of attacking him - it doesn't solve the problem

marti101 wrote: »

What are you going to do if your wife finds out in the meantime that if she doesnt already know and she is biding her time.Talk to your wife before this all blows up in your face .Plus you get on great with your gf because you dont have day to day issues with her,you dont have the same problems.Unless you resolve your problems with your wife yoa are going to make the same mistakes.I really think break up with your wife and have a few months to yourself and then think about a relationship.Have you really decided that your marriage is finished because have you come to terms that your wife might have another man who will be spending time with your children.Think it through from all angles wot if your gf doesnt like your children get some advice bout rights and entitlements so at least your covered and come clean to your wife its the only way forward

Excellent point. OP are you sure the new GF is all that you think or are you caught up in an exciting and romantic affair that ultimately may have no substance? could you see yourself with her day in day out, taking out the bins, worrying about money and all the other things that go with 'domestic bliss'?

rohe

hi

I am with my bf for the past 3 years and he himself left his marriage because he was unhappy, not due to me because we hadnt met by then


But the point i'm making is you should look at it also from your new girlfriends side, as it can be very tough taking on someones else's problems(so to speak), for example when i took up with my bf his wife and some of her family have given me dirty looks, make abusive comments to me in a shop one day, and his wife regularly for 2 years sent my bf snide,snarky,cutting texts about me.....now bear in mind i never met his wife or her family before i met my bf, this woman doesnt know me from adam but has a problem with me for the simple fact that i am now with her ex husband, believe me it can be tough not just for me but also for my bf having to put up with the whole situation

You should ask yourself would your new girlfriend put up with this sh*tty situation if things turn out this way....

You dont know how your wife is going to react to something like this???

But from my opinion i believe if theres no love there you should get out of the relationship

Your kids will understand in time,

Best of luck with whatever you do

LegacyUser

I forgot to add a couple of things while being on the being selfish note here...and just for the record, I think the OP is 'getting off lightly' here, and needs a good dose of reality.
You don't seem to have actually stopped to consider the possible consequences of your actions here. You're thinking of splitting up your family, not for the happiness of your children or wife, but for the happiness of yourself.
Isn't it convenient that before your children even reach the difficult teenage years that you're going to split their family up and lumber your wife with looking after them-on her own-while you have a lovely new relationship to enjoy? I wonder how easy it would be for her to move on and begin dating again while minding three children for most of the week? How is she going to handle it on her own? Where is her support system? But sure that's not your problem, she's only your wife.
You're 31, all your children are young, so you're not heading into the long-term married phase just yet, but this is the reality of it. Marriage can be difficult, to think it isn't difficult is laughable. I know this is such an obvious thing to say but that doesn't seem to register with you.
Other people on here are saying for you to do it, and their reasons for giving the go-ahead are because your children might be exposed to you and your wife's fighting. Now here is the thing, no relationship is perfect, and completely blissful. People go through phases of problems. Obviously after a few years marriage, the honeymoon, madly-in-love period fades.
While you go on to describe how fantastic your new girlfriend is, you completely gloss over the pain you're going to cause your children and wife.
I would like to also point out that when you tell your child you love them, but your actions are self-motivated and state to some effect that you love yourself more, this will stay with your child. They will know logically where you're coming from, because they will want to believe you love them, but emotionally don't think they wont pick up on the fact that you left them, and no matter what you say to them, and no matter what they say back to you they will believe under all of that that they are not good enough for you, and that you did not love them enough to stay with them. That is something that will stay with your children for many years.

rohe

greengreengrass wrote: »

I forgot to add a couple of things while being on the being selfish note here...and just for the record, I think the OP is 'getting off lightly' here, and needs a good dose of reality.
You don't seem to have actually stopped to consider the possible consequences of your actions here. You're thinking of splitting up your family, not for the happiness of your children or wife, but for the happiness of yourself.
Isn't it convenient that before your children even reach the difficult teenage years that you're going to split their family up and lumber your wife with looking after them-on her own-while you have a lovely new relationship to enjoy? I wonder how easy it would be for her to move on and begin dating again while minding three children for most of the week? How is she going to handle it on her own? Where is her support system? But sure that's not your problem, she's only your wife.
You're 31, all your children are young, so you're not heading into the long-term married phase just yet, but this is the reality of it. Marriage can be difficult, to think it isn't difficult is laughable. I know this is such an obvious thing to say but that doesn't seem to register with you.
Other people on here are saying for you to do it, and their reasons for giving the go-ahead are because your children might be exposed to you and your wife's fighting. Now here is the thing, no relationship is perfect, and completely blissful. People go through phases of problems. Obviously after a few years marriage, the honeymoon, madly-in-love period fades.
While you go on to describe how fantastic your new girlfriend is, you completely gloss over the pain you're going to cause your children and wife.
I would like to also point out that when you tell your child you love them, but your actions are self-motivated and state to some effect that you love yourself more, this will stay with your child. They will know logically where you're coming from, because they will want to believe you love them, but emotionally don't think they wont pick up on the fact that you left them, and no matter what you say to them, and no matter what they say back to you they will believe under all of that that they are not good enough for you, and that you did not love them enough to stay with them. That is something that will stay with your children for many years.

how is the op loving himself as you put it???

So you expect the op to stay and be unhappy, argue in front of his kids and in general make their kids unhappy in the process??? whats that going to achieve???

By leaving his WIFE not his kids, he is not being selfish,he is saving himself and his wife heartache down the road, and giving both of them the chance to change around their lives and find some kind happiness,exclude the girlfriend from all this, because as i see it most people have the problem with the fact the op was thinking of leaving his wife for start a new relationship with this girl, but besides all that, he has admitted and said he is unhappy

Theres no point in staying, one person doesnt make a marriage

My parents were together for over 20 years and spent most of their lives arguing and fighting and myself and my siblings wished that would just split up because they made each other unhappy,

And eventually they did split, and you know what ???

it was the best thing for everyone, including them and us their kids and i never doubted once that either of my parents loved us any less, i admire them for having the b*lls and courage to admit they didnt get on, werent ment to be and walk away from each other

DetectivFoxtrot

rohe wrote: »

how is the op loving himself as you put it???

So you expect the op to stay and be unhappy, argue in front of his kids and in general make their kids unhappy in the process??? whats that going to achieve???

By leaving his WIFE not his kids, he is not being selfish,he is saving himself and his wife heartache down the road, and giving both of them the chance to change around their lives and find some kind happiness,exclude the girlfriend from all this, because as i see it most people have the problem with the fact the op was thinking of leaving his wife for start a new relationship with this girl, but besides all that, he has admitted and said he is unhappy

Theres no point in staying, one person doesnt make a marriage

My parents were together for over 20 years and spent most of their lives arguing and fighting and myself and my siblings wished that would just split up because they made each other unhappy,

And eventually they did split, and you know what ???

it was the best thing for everyone, including them and us their kids and i never doubted once that either of my parents loved us any less, i admire them for having the b*lls and courage to admit they didnt get on, werent ment to be and walk away from each other

+1 QFT

dudara

OP, what steps have you taken to make your marriage work? Have you sought counselling? Have you actually sat down with your wife and had a serious talk about your relationship (not a row).

I'll put it this way. I'll believe you when you can show that you're not thinking with lust and that you've exhausted all avenues.

Right now, you don't need another woman in your life. Leave your mistress (she's not your girlfriend - you have a wife) and treat your wife with some respect while you sort this out. If she ever finds out that you were screwing around with someone else, it will devastate her.

LegacyUser

Listen, he has said it himself he wants to leave to start up a new family. I would call that 'loving himself', as you put it rohe. He is stating this before he has even split up, let alone discussed any of this with his wife, or children. Would you call that care for the children you already have? Is it not enough for them to have to process that their parents are splitting up, having to deal with the whole mess involved with that, without having to on top of that learn that their father has straight away started up with someone else, and has decided straight away to start a new, better, problem free family.
Let me put this to you. When he is looking after a new born baby, (a full time task in itself) not living full time in the previous marital home, which child will come first in that situation? It wont be the children from the first marriage. At least not in their eyes anyway. Because where will the father be? He will be with his new girlfriend, and new child.
It is completely selfish. He is putting his own happiness above all others.
Actually while we are on it, why is his happiness so important? It is not his happiness that counts actually. When did people forget this??? When there are children involved a parents happiness does not come into the equation.
If he actually wants to put his children first, because he says he loves them so much, and if he cant make his marriage work, (+1 what dudara said), then decide where to go from there. If it is better for the children for he and his wife to go their separate ways, then perhaps they should, but by the sounds of it at the moment, he is looking to split because there is a window of opportunity for his own happiness now.

Marksie

greengreengrass: could you register please it will save us approving yuor posts

greengreengrass

Yep, just did, sorry about that!

Marksie

greengreengrass wrote: »

Yep, just did, sorry about that!

grand

LegacyUser

If I were you, I'd finish with the new woman and get to work on salvaging your marriage right away. You might not get a second chance at a family and kids - you don't want to end up a deadbeat dad.

Overheal

Hey now, I was 5 when my folks had a nice violent separation... I'll resist the urge to make this about me though Long story short at 5 I had a quite good understanding of what happened at the incident; not why they were fighting (still dont have that full portrait). My mom spent a couple years screening us from seeing our dad and blamed him for not trying (even though it turns out he was) after my own incident i moved in with my dad and spent years fighting with him and then spent years fighting with my mom and now, I dodge her e-mails have a moderately good relationship with him and am still just a wee bit displaced about my position on the matter. Pretty much out on my own now and am quite happy to avoid family matters entirely, really.

So yes, it can run your kids for a bit of a loop. You need to weigh that carefully, and it might be a good idea to read into it. Especially when you both still are tense with eachother years later (like my parents) But if you can maintain that outward appearance now and during and after your separation it will help. My stepmum divorced after he cheated on her too; they kept amazingly civil (from my perspective ) and I dare say - had an ideal divorce; step-brothers always seemed fine with it.

Whats your next move? Talk to your wife alone sometime soon. Let her know you want the divorce and that you've met someone. Take it from there. Keep it civil. Don't let the kids see you fight.

heavyheart

If you are going to leave your wife , that is after you have genuinely tried to make the marriage work , then i suggest you do it as amicably as possible.
My parents hated each other for years and eventually when i was 13 i found out by accident that he was taking off with another woman and was doing so without telling my mother or my sisters... and he did. I was outside that day and i saw him drive off knowing he wasn't coming back.. eventually he did visit and they went through a messy separation and even though they are talking now ( partly because my mother is still in love with him ) there is still no closure on the topic and im 25 now and still pretty messed up over it all...
My point is , if you are leaving then your wife , her finding out that youve been having an affair behind her back isnt exactly source for a healthy split and no matter what , that is going to effect the way your kids look at you because eventually they will find out when they start asking questions.. as they already are ...

LegacyUser

Wow! Lots of replies. Thanks everyone who replied.

Where do I start, I can state it now 100% that my marriage is over and we have tried to save it, really we have. Maybe our hearts weren't in it because we both knew that the love was gone but we tried regardless.

My girlfriend is perfect, to me. She is younger but not much and I don't regard her as my mistress but my wife to be. I often read other peoples problems on these boards and I seem to know the answers to their problems but what i have learned is that not all problems has a straight forward answer.

I thought I loved my wife when we got married but now I'm not sure, maybe I thought that that was they way it was suppose to be. I had friends who would talk about their wives/girlfriends and it was clear that they adored them, I never felt that, ever, until now.

I'm willing to give up my partner for the happiness/stability of my kids so those of you who said I was selfish are wrong. If I was selfish I would have been gone along time ago.

I will always be close to my kids and them to me and my wife knows how much they mean to me so future access would not be a problem.

What I do know is that there is no good result from this situation, somebody is going to get hurt.

Thanks.

Anti

as you said, you dont love your wife so dont even waste yoru time and money trying to get it to work again. Leave your wife, and get with the woman you want to be with. My parents had a horrible relationship when i was growing up, and looking back i would have them rather split up and find happiness then stick together for all them years and end up hating eachother.

Get some balls, tell yoru wife, move out. Who knows, she might have a fella too !

DetectivFoxtrot

Anti wrote: »

as you said, you dont love your wife so dont even waste yoru time and money trying to get it to work again. Leave your wife, and get with the woman you want to be with. My parents had a horrible relationship when i was growing up, and looking back i would have them rather split up and find happiness then stick together for all them years and end up hating eachother.

Get some balls, tell yoru wife, move out. Who knows, she might have a fella too !

+1 Life's too short!

LouOB

Im sure when your kids grow up they will respect you for being a good father - plus a good man.
Put your happiness first as kids grow up and find their own lives. If you are happy your kids will be. Id have a good talk with the wife though
You cannot put yours on hold - you will always be their father and be there for them, even if they dont want you to be.

Susannahmia

My aunt and uncle stayed together years "for the kids". They never fought in front of them but they hardly ever talked to each other and obviously did not love each other.

Kids arent stupid, my cousin told me she wished that they had just split up earlier as she had always sensed it throughout her childhood and it really made her uncomfortable and insecure. She also felt later on that she had ruined their lives, while they had the chance to move on and start a new life they had stayed for her and her siblings..

I remember going down there as a kid for week holidays and I could even feel that all was not right.

If you really feel that the marriage cannot be saved. Move on, this could be your only chance, your kids may be more resilient than you think and will eventually understand.