Money problems

LegacyUser

Myself and my wife are married 2 years were both early 30's.

Up until a year ago we both had good jobs with good salaries and the celtic tiger dream, big house, 2 cars holidays etc. Then a year ago my wife decided she didnt want to work anymore.
She was just sick of it so she handed in her notice and (1 month) and told me a week before her last day that she was leavig "oh i thought I told you" she said.

So I thought she'd just go anf find another job but she hasn't. She has a large group of friends and a lot of them are new mothers who are on maternity leave etc and she just spends all her day with them. Buying stuff for their kids etc. She upgraded her car to a 08 from a 05 at the start of the year without telling me. She has booked us and some other couples on a holiday later in the year. She has paid a hefty deposit and not received a penny yet. She's had decorators/builders in to price up an extension and I'm about ready to walk out the door.

My salary is 80k, here's was 60k and she probably would be earning more than me if she stayed in her job. We've got a couple of credit cards with about 15k debt on them thanks to my wife. We have a 15k credit union loan(her car) and she's gradually eating up our savings. Thankfully I can work OT in my place and get paid for it so I'm doing every hour possible but its not enough. She wants us to go to Sydney for New years and she handed me an provisional itinerary with 1st class flights! She has gone nuts. I've asked her to go speak to some one but she wont she thinks this is fine.

She doesnt understand that if she had kept her job things would be ok but now we are pretty much pissing money away left right and centre. Only my sister knows what is going on and she has told me to freeze all our assets (i'm not sure this is possible as all our accounts are joint accounts) but my wife is spending us into a blackhole that we may never get out off and in the end we'd probably have to sell our house to pay off debts if this goes on.

I know something must have happened that caused her to lose her job and go on this spending suicide mission but she seems to think its perfectly normal. I thought maybe she wants a baby but she says its not.

Any advice?

Thanks

Marksie

I have split your post off OP.

IRISH RAIL

Heres what you do,
empty the accounts bar a few hundred euro ( put them in prize bonds and away safely in your sisters so you wont lose anything) then say nothing.
when she realises she has no money left the shock of it will sink in and when she asks you where the money is say "I tought i told you I pent it on blah blah".
this should sink her attitude problem in more.
then sit her down and tell her her spending is out of hand and suggest counselling if she wants to save her marrige, because you will leave if she doesnt bring it under control.
after the storm you can tell her ou still have the money and will be holding it safe untill this is sorted.

AngryBadger

Obviously you need to ascertain why your wife is doing this. Until that happens then definitely freeze your accounts, stop this mad spending binge before you have nothing left.

redfacedbear

I think the most important thing to do first is for you to gain as much control of your finances as you can.

Open an account in your name only, that she has no access to. Get your wages paid into this account. Transfer the direct debits for your mortgage and any other 'important' debts to this account. Cancel any joint credit cards or cards in your name that she has access to. If you have a joint Credit Union account write to them and tell them to only allow transactions that you've both authorised.

Sit down and work out a budget to show her how serious things are. Put her on what you believe is a reasonable allowance given your budget and her outgoings.

You then need to tackle what is driving this self-destructive behaviour and make her see that it is a problem. I'm no expert (and of course it could be many things) but to me it sounds like a manic episode of bi-polar disorder and a trip to the docs shouldn't be ruled out.

OP

Open a new bank account in your own name and mandate your salary in there and have your mortgage coming out of it.
Get onto bluecube loans or something similar and pay off and close the credit cards your wife is using(I assume they are in joint names?).

There will be a row no doubt.
Also get onto the builders that are pricing extensions or decorations etc and tell them that you are not agree'ing to have the work done.

you don't mention any kids? You are lucky you don't have any in this situation.

Do those measures NOW as a stop gap before things get anyworse.

There is something depressing your wife alright-you can deal with that afterwards but do the necessary financial things first.
When the argument comes and she discovers that you have cut off the spending tap,you can simply start by saying that she's never bothered to consult you before spending so you decided enough was enough and only to tell her of your unilateral action to stop the rot after it is done on the same basis.

Please do this and post back to let us know how you get on.
This type of situation annoys me.

moody cow!

In terms of money i find it strange that you can support yourself and your wife on 80k per annum. My OH and i live on a combined earning of less that 45k a year and that is with a mortgage, 2 personal loans, and the other usual outgoings.
Is it possible that she is trying to tell you to stop hoarding and live a little? You sound a little materialistic.

But on the other hand you may have your reasons and i won't doubt that.

If she is out of control i'd advise a quiet weekend away at a remote location mayb an expensive spa(!!), with plenty of sea air maybe to focus and balance her mind. Try approaching things quietly and undemandingly. If that doesn't work maybe you should suggest couples therapy and see what happens there?May be easier for her to talk clearly with another presence in the room..

Elessar

Ugh people like this make my blood boil.

As stated, open a separate account for yourself and put your monthly/weekly wage into that one, along with whatever needs to be paid to be taken from it. Cancel the joint card - if she wants to spend, let her do it on her own card.

Simply say NO to all these luxurys she expects you to pay for her. It's a simple word. An argument is inevitable but tough it out - don't let her walk all over you.

Tell her if she wants to spend - GET A JOB, and spend her own money.

Jigsaw

Agreed with all the posts above. This woman needs to be spoken to.

Are there any children on the scene? She either needs a session or two of counselling or to get her ass back to work. What if you "decided you didn't want to work any more"? And to not tell you of her plans and let you know with only a week to go?

Surely a matter of the importance and gravity of leaving your job with no immediate intention of getting another one is something that should have been discussed at length in any healthy marriage? Marriage is supposed to be about teamwork. You are working your ass off while she is going to coffee mornings and lunching with the ladies and making grand plans for your money.

Sorry man if my tone leaves a little to be desired but the behaviour you have described would just piss me intensely.

Mr. Presentable

She's having a mid-life crisis - realised she's in her last fling of youth etc. Usually it's associated with men, but women are increasingly showing the effects too. You need, as others have said, to be cruel to be kind, but be careful not to drive her to a "sympathetic younger other".

martian1980

moody cow! wrote: »

In terms of money i find it strange that you can support yourself and your wife on 80k per annum. My OH and i live on a combined earning of less that 45k a year and that is with a mortgage, 2 personal loans, and the other usual outgoings.
Is it possible that she is trying to tell you to stop hoarding and live a little? You sound a little materialistic.

But on the other hand you may have your reasons and i won't doubt that.

If she is out of control i'd advise a quiet weekend away at a remote location mayb an expensive spa(!!), with plenty of sea air maybe to focus and balance her mind. Try approaching things quietly and undemandingly. If that doesn't work maybe you should suggest couples therapy and see what happens there?May be easier for her to talk clearly with another presence in the room..

The wife sounds a lot more materialistic than the poster. If running up thirty grand of debt without consulting with the person paying the bill is living a little, it'll take a lot more than an expensive spa and sea air to focus and balance the mind in this particular scenario

Jigsaw

moody cow! wrote: »

In terms of money i find it strange that you can support yourself and your wife on 80k per annum. My OH and i live on a combined earning of less that 45k a year and that is with a mortgage, 2 personal loans, and the other usual outgoings.
Is it possible that she is trying to tell you to stop hoarding and live a little? You sound a little materialistic.

But on the other hand you may have your reasons and i won't doubt that.

If she is out of control i'd advise a quiet weekend away at a remote location mayb an expensive spa(!!), with plenty of sea air maybe to focus and balance her mind. Try approaching things quietly and undemandingly. If that doesn't work maybe you should suggest couples therapy and see what happens there?May be easier for her to talk clearly with another presence in the room..

Wrong.

How is it that he sounds materialistic? If anything he sounds sensible and grounded. How do you conclude that the OP is hoarding or does not how to live a little? There is a difference between wanting to be financially prudent and being a dizzy spendthrift with other people's money. The amount he earns is of no relevance to the principle here. It is taking advantage and the OP must deal with it now before it develops into resentment and becomes an awful lot harder to deal with.

sam34

redfacedbear wrote: »

You then need to tackle what is driving this self-destructive behaviour and make her see that it is a problem. I'm no expert (and of course it could be many things) but to me it sounds like a manic episode of bi-polar disorder and a trip to the docs shouldn't be ruled out.

+1.

op, it's quite possible your wife is high- common symptoms of mania/hypomania include overspending (often to the tune of tens of thousands) and other reckless behaviour- giving up the job would be an example. even if she has no history of psychiatric problems, it can start at any age.a chat with your gp is in order i think.

akamossy

nip this in the bud immediately, this is utterly ridiculous, to give up your job and then start overspending does not make any sense and it is also pure laziness, you need to tell her that if she wants to keep spending like this then she is going to have to get a job to pay for it! money doesnt grow on trees as we all know and she will learn this soon enough but the question is will it be too late then?? thats why its important to stop it now!!

vorbis

moody cow! wrote: »

If she is out of control i'd advise a quiet weekend away at a remote location mayb an expensive spa(!!), with plenty of sea air maybe to focus and balance her mind. Try approaching things quietly and undemandingly. If that doesn't work maybe you should suggest couples therapy and see what happens there?May be easier for her to talk clearly with another presence in the room..

Coincidentally, I've seen this advice of "pamper her" given a few times in posts where the husband has a problem with his wife's behavior. Its really bizarre advice. In this case, you need to get as much money and credit away from your wife as possible! Start today! I mean first class tickets to Sydney ffs!!

It sounds like you've been leaving her walk all over you for the past while. You need to stop this and stand up to her.

who_ru

vorbis wrote: »

Coincidentally, I've seen this advice of "pamper her" given a few times in posts where the husband has a problem with his wife's behavior. Its really bizarre advice. In this case, you need to get as much money and credit away from your wife as possible! Start today! I mean first class tickets to Sydney ffs!!

It sounds like you've been leaving her walk all over you for the past while. You need to stop this and stand up to her.

straight talking at last.

McGinty

Hi Op

I would have to agree with most of the posters here

Open an account in your name only, that she has no access to. Get your wages paid into this account. Transfer the direct debits for your mortgage and any other 'important' debts to this account. Cancel any joint credit cards or cards in your name that she has access to. If you have a joint Credit Union account write to them and tell them to only allow transactions that you've both authorised.

Sit down and work out a budget to show her how serious things are. Put her on what you believe is a reasonable allowance given your budget and her outgoings.

You then need to tackle what is driving this self-destructive behaviour and make her see that it is a problem. I'm no expert (and of course it could be many things) but to me it sounds like a manic episode of bi-polar disorder and a trip to the docs shouldn't be ruled out.

This is particuarly good advice, my ex husband was a spend-aholic, I divorced him but it took me seven years to clear the debts that he dumped on me (and I was raising our child with no financial support from him), do not get in to the same situation as I did. Basically she is being reckless and her behaviour is childish and smacks of bullying, you have to treat her like a child if she will not be reasonable, get your wages in to another account asap, give her a limited housekeeping budget, whilst she is not working is she keeping the home, shopping, cleaning that kind of thing, I would expect that considering you are the only working. If she treating you fairly, this is not just about money but respect, she has no right to get a loan for a car she cannot afford. Show her through your actions (not words) that you mean business and she will be forced to take responsibility for her actions, if you continue to carry her, she will continue to take the piss out of you. I was the highter earner in my marriage and my ex took the piss out of me because I let him, don't be the same.

MAKE MY DAY

moody cow! wrote: »

In terms of money i find it strange that you can support yourself and your wife on 80k per annum. My OH and i live on a combined earning of less that 45k a year and that is with a mortgage, 2 personal loans, and the other usual outgoings.
Is it possible that she is trying to tell you to stop hoarding and live a little? You sound a little materialistic.

But on the other hand you may have your reasons and i won't doubt that.

If she is out of control i'd advise a quiet weekend away at a remote location mayb an expensive spa(!!), with plenty of sea air maybe to focus and balance her mind. Try approaching things quietly and undemandingly. If that doesn't work maybe you should suggest couples therapy and see what happens there?May be easier for her to talk clearly with another presence in the room..

Moody Cow with all respect if anything you are the one who sounds money obsessed ! The Op has tried to speak to his wife, if as you put it she is "out of control" I seriously doubt an expensive weekend away in a spa will solve the issues. I think the OP is quite entitled to his opinions about his relationship. He is working overtime and additional hours to maintain his wifes spending - this is wron. First class tickets, new cars, holidays, presents for friends etc if she continues in this manner its alot more than 80K he needs to be earning.

OP the giving up work and overspending appear to be symptoms of something deeper. From what you have said your wife has left a well paying job and to do this she must have been incredibly unhappy. As difficult as it is you must talk to her again and try to get to the root of the problem. The current situation cannot continue , you are working yourself to the bone but at some point you will not be able to pay for her spending. All we can wish you is best of luck and as previously stated it might be time for some professional assistance.

who_ru

the contribution from moody cow did smack of a dig at men in general. motivated by what? who knows.

ztoical

OP at the end of the day it is your money you are working your ass off to earn and therefore should have some say in how it is spent. If your wife chose not to work then make it clear to her that she needs to learn to live on a budget. Why should you work yourself into an early grave with stress and overtime cus she wants to fly first class?

I had a friend start dating someone who did the same thing - she had a very good job and her OH had just been let go and decided not to bother getting another job as they could just live off girlfriend. She ended making herself sick trying to cover all their bills and it took her family and friends intervening to get her to see what was happening.

Follow the advice on here - get your wages paid into a new account, transfer all the big bills to that account and cancel all the credit cards -those things are just awful for building debt up quickly. Yes its prob going to be ugly when you have to talk with your wife but it needs to be done. Get all your bills together sit down at the table and show her what her spending is doing. If she can't explain why she's been acting like this suggest she might be more comfortable speaking to a counselor rather then you. Compulsive spending is an addiction and she should get help.

luckat

Hmm.

Is your wife by any chance bipolar, OP? Is she spending like crazy in the manic phase, then dropping into deep depressions in the down cycle?

If she is, then she needs psychiatric help.

Unfortunately, taking all the money out of accounts, etc, won't work if she's in the kind of state that she sounds to be in - she'll just spend (even more expensively) using credit cards.

ztoical

luckat wrote: »

Unfortunately, taking all the money out of accounts, etc, won't work if she's in the kind of state that she sounds to be in - she'll just spend (even more expensively) using credit cards.

Most of the people who said he should take the money out of the accounts also said he should cancel the credit cards.

I honestly don't think this sounds like someone suffering from a bipolar disorder, for a start shes outside the age group for the onset of the disease and the OP doesn't mention anything other then the spending sprees that imply a manic episode [lack of sleep, indiscretion, talking too much] nor does he mention anything about any depressive episode - I'm sure he'd notice if she'd lost alot of weight and stopped sleeping and would def notice if she was cycling between manic and depressive episode

Miss Fluff

moneyworries wrote: »

I know something must have happened that caused her to lose her job and go on this spending suicide mission but she seems to think its perfectly normal.

Did she lose her job OP or hand in her notice? I would have issues with spending/shopping also, does she actually realise that there is only 80k coming into the house these days instead of the 140k you had before? You honestly need to get your salary paid into another account and close off the credit cards etc. She may be spending it without actually giving any thought to how much disposable income you have these days.

easyontheeye

aside from the spending issues, unless you have kids it would REALLY piss me off that your out your balls doing overtime and shes at home all day and out with friends...is she training to be the " footballer wife" ...you need answers!

also i hopes shes not the unreasonable type because if you start putting restrictions on your accounts ( which i also agree you should) she may turn against you. to be honest your situation is one of my worst nightmares and fears of marriage !

LegacyUser

Hey thanks for all the advice.

I'll try answer a few questions.

She did leave her job a couple of people she worked with told me she did leave of her own free will and thougth she was mad as it looked like she was in line for a big promotion (may she was worried about this??)

I've opened a new account there yesterday, I can get my wages paid in there. but as all the bills are in joint names I'm not sure if I can transfer the account they're paid from??

She was "normal" up to this so I'm hoping she hasnt lost her marbles.

I've talked to her sister earlier and told her whats going on so I think they two of us are going to sit down tomorrow with her and tell her that she is going to ruin our marriage if she keeps going on, thankfully we have no kids.
she has no history of mental illness in her family.


Frankly I'm at a loss to where this has all come from, but unless somethig is done soon we'll be in an even worse financial crisis.

thanks for the advice folks.

board om

it doesnt sound like bipolar behavior at all. i hate the way people throw words like that around knowing nothing about them.

tbh if it is a case that she 'lost' her job as apposed to quitting, then this could be what started the problem. she might be on the "i didnt need that job anyway" way of thinking and could be spending to make herself feel better. so a kind of pride thing. nobody would like to be fired, or told they were no longer needed in their employment, and they could deal with it in differnt ways. so the spending and showing off a lavish lifestyle to everyone on the outside in her mind would show that she didnt need the job and she is quite well off without it. so basically trying to prove to everyone that she is still wealthy and losing the job made no differnce to her at all.

i dont know if i am explaing this very well. maybe someone who understands what i mean might explain a bit better.

Miss Fluff

board om wrote: »

it doesnt sound like bipolar behavior at all. i hate the way people throw words like that around knowing nothing about them.

tbh if it is a case that she 'lost' her job as apposed to quitting, then this could be what started the problem. she might be on the "i didnt need that job anyway" way of thinking and could be spending to make herself feel better. so a kind of pride thing. nobody would like to be fired, or told they were no longer needed in their employment, and they could deal with it in differnt ways. so the spending and showing off a lavish lifestyle to everyone on the outside in her mind would show that she didnt need the job and she is quite well off without it. so basically trying to prove to everyone that she is still wealthy and losing the job made no differnce to her at all.

i dont know if i am explaing this very well. maybe someone who understands what i mean might explain a bit better.

Good point there. Yes, it could all be for bravado and show, intending to fork out on first class tickets to Oz when they don't have money is a bit P Diddy flash when you think about it. It's still not clear from the OP whether she quit her job or was dismissed, he makes reference to both at the start of the thread.

sam34

board om wrote: »

it doesnt sound like bipolar behavior at all. i hate the way people throw words like that around knowing nothing about them.
.

i guess i'm one of the people that comment is directed at, given my previous post. i am a psychiatrist and also have a sibling with bipolar disorder, so i know a lot about it. and reckless overspending is quite common in hypomania.granted, the op hasnt given us details of his wife's biological functioning, such as sleep, energy etc, but that may be because he didnt think they were relevant, maybe he doesnt know what biploar disorder is, and didnt piece all the pieces together. or maybe she isnt unwell, and is just spending like this for the hell of it. who knows? but bipolar is definitely up there as a possible cause of her behaviour. it's as equally valid a suggestion as yours.

board om

Miss Fluff wrote: »

Good point there. Yes, it could all be for bravado and show, intending to fork out on first class tickets to Oz when they don't have money is a bit P Diddy flash when you think about it. It's still not clear from the OP whether she quit her job or was dismissed, he makes reference to both at the start of the thread.

yeah, he said she quit, but then he said later that she lost it so we dont really know. but if she lost the job it could have hit her quite hard. depending on her age. i would say the older she is, the worse it would hit her. becuase she would feel uselss and that nobody needed her anymore, where as if you are younger you just dust youself off and move on. but if she did lose it then it could be all bravado, a kind of "ill show them, i didnt need that job anyway" and she wants to show everyone that they are still wealthy, so the best way to show that in her eyes is to spend big and live a lavish lifestly for all to see.

(i dont need no job, my mans got 2 jobs, do ya hear me, 2 jobs)

board om

sam34 wrote: »

i guess i'm one of the people that comment is directed at, given my previous post. i am a psychiatrist and also have a sibling with bipolar disorder, so i know a lot about it. and reckless overspending is quite common in hypomania.granted, the op hasnt given us details of his wife's biological functioning, such as sleep, energy etc, but that may be because he didnt think they were relevant, maybe he doesnt know what biploar disorder is, and didnt piece all the pieces together. or maybe she isnt unwell, and is just spending like this for the hell of it. who knows? but bipolar is definitely up there as a possible cause of her behaviour. it's as equally valid a suggestion as yours.

i understand what you mean alright and i was by no means having a go at you. its just that with a lot of these posts we can only go on the infomation on hand, but as you say there could be plenty of other symptoms that he hasnt told us about that could conclude that she is bipolar. but i find a lot of posters who wouldnt have the qualifications you have tend to throw out amateur diagnoses becuase they think they know something about it. so you have someone writing a post about being down because they broke up with a partner, and the next thing someone is telling them they are bipolar. or someone says they had a drink becuasse something upset them, and then someone tells them they are a alcoholic so go to AA. or someone isnt hungry, so they are anorexic. people can be a bit extreme sometimes and i think it can be a bit drastic.

out of interest, as a psychiatrist what do you think of the theory that if she lost her job as opposed to quitting that the spending might be for show?

sam34

board om wrote: »

but i find a lot of posters who wouldnt have the qualifications you have tend to throw out amateur diagnoses becuase they think they know something about it. so you have someone writing a post about being down because they broke up with a partner, and the next thing someone is telling them they are bipolar. or someone says they had a drink becuasse something upset them, and then someone tells them they are a alcoholic so go to AA. or someone isnt hungry, so they are anorexic. people can be a bit extreme sometimes and i think it can be a bit drastic.

out of interest, as a psychiatrist what do you think of the theory that if she lost her job as opposed to quitting that the spending might be for show?

i really really agree with your post about amateur diagnosticians, and often times on boards my blood literally boils, because people make ill-informed flippant comments, most often with very little understanding of what they're talking about. more often than not i dont bother replying because a) it happens such a lot (esp in PI) that i'd be all day at it and b)i try and leave my work and all things related behind me at work.

with regards your theory, it does sound plausible certainly. however, the duration of it and the extent of the debt make me think she should have "copped on" long before now. i guess im saying my bet would still be potential bipolar. but, i hasten to add that i am a biological psychiatrist and not really into the analytical/psychodynamic side of things. if theres anybody of that persuasion about, their view would be interesting

board om

sam34 wrote: »

i really really agree with your post about amateur diagnosticians, and often times on boards my blood literally boils, because people make ill-informed flippant comments, most often with very little understanding of what they're talking about. more often than not i dont bother replying because a) it happens such a lot (esp in PI) that i'd be all day at it and b)i try and leave my work and all things related behind me at work.

with regards your theory, it does sound plausible certainly. however, the duration of it and the extent of the debt make me think she should have "copped on" long before now. i guess im saying my bet would still be potential bipolar. but, i hasten to add that i am a biological psychiatrist and not really into the analytical/psychodynamic side of things. if theres anybody of that persuasion about, their view would be interesting

i would say the last thing you want to do after a days work is come home and log on to boards and correct every twit who thinks they know about phycological disorders. you probably get enough of it during the day. and as you said, you would be here all day if you were to start correcting people.

very true about the duration of her spending being a very long time, she should really have copped on that this stage. maybe it is a case of 'keeping up with the jones'. all her friends are not working becuase they are on maturnity leave so they are essentially 'kept women' by their husbands during their time off. and here she is having to go into work everyday. so she thinks if they have it then why shouldnt she, after all they are living the celtic tiger 'dream'. maybe she wants that extravagent lifestyle and to be a kept woman as well but she has taken it a bit far. i know my own mother was terrible for that when i was growing up. she was a serial spender when it came to keeping up with her friend and relatives. always needing a new car each year, always needing designer clothes, spending a fortune doing the house up when it didnt need to be, bascially spending unneccessary amounts of money just for the sake of it. funnily enough she didnt work so it was always my father that was footing the bills for her excessivness. they only seperated in the last few years (we would all be grown up now) and becuase he isnt paying her bills like he used to she has a totally differnt outlook on life now. she knows the value of money now where she never used to. a few years ago she would have spent a few grand on some crappy chair in an antique shop just for the sake of it, nowadys that money would be put aside for a holiday or someting worth while. she definitly wouldnt be throwing money away like she used to now that she has to work for it herself.

sportswear

ehhhh

OP have you actually sat her down and had a big chat with her about this yet?


have you got mad at her yet??

dudara

I don't want to see any further comments on diagnosis of depression in this thread. We cannot offer medical advice here.

To the OP, it's good that you are planning to sit her down and talk. Marriage is a union of 2 people, and communication is essential. Hopefully, you can get to the bottom of this.

moneyworries

moneyworries wrote: »

Hey thanks for all the advice.

I'll try answer a few questions.

She did leave her job a couple of people she worked with told me she did leave of her own free will and thougth she was mad as it looked like she was in line for a big promotion (may she was worried about this??)

I've opened a new account there yesterday, I can get my wages paid in there. but as all the bills are in joint names I'm not sure if I can transfer the account they're paid from??

She was "normal" up to this so I'm hoping she hasnt lost her marbles.

I've talked to her sister earlier and told her whats going on so I think they two of us are going to sit down tomorrow with her and tell her that she is going to ruin our marriage if she keeps going on, thankfully we have no kids.
she has no history of mental illness in her family.


Frankly I'm at a loss to where this has all come from, but unless somethig is done soon we'll be in an even worse financial crisis.

thanks for the advice folks.

Excelent.
The bills are only a direct debit matter and you just tell the likes of the ESB etc that you want them paid out of your new a/c and they will send you the forms.
It doesn't matter whose names are on the bill.
If your credit card is at the bank you bank with-Call in to see the manager and explain what you are doing IN CONFIDENCE.Thats the branch manager now not one of the assistants.He'll probably take the payments to close the credit card (s).

Also what ever it is thats made your wife go this way,it may hopefully all work out in the end and who knows she may even go back to work.

Maggie Simpson

Deleted User wrote: »

Excelent.
The bills are only a direct debit matter and you just tell the likes of the ESB etc that you want them paid out of your new a/c and they will send you the forms.
It doesn't matter whose names are on the bill.
If your credit card is at the bank you bank with-Call in to see the manager and explain what you are doing IN CONFIDENCE.Thats the branch manager now not one of the assistants.He'll probably take the payments to close the credit card (s).

When you're talking to your wife, could you come to an agreement to transfer a certain amount to your joint account every month to cover the mortgage, bills, running household - whatever you think is sensible. Then pay the credit card & get them to reduce the limit to something in region of 1 or 2K? Most people find this is ample to book flights, hotels etc. Or if you really think it's warranted, cancel this card & take one out in your own name. But there's nothing to stop her going & getting a card in her own name anyway.

Sleepy

Maggie Simpson, why do you think a bank would issue a credit card to someone with no discernable income? I'd be very worried about any financial institution which would lend money to someone on the basis of their spouse's salary.

stepbar

Sleepy wrote: »

Maggie Simpson, why do you think a bank would issue a credit card to someone with no discernable income? I'd be very worried about any financial institution which would lend money to someone on the basis of their spouse's salary.

I remember posting to a chap who filled up a form on a very well known airline carrier and got an credit card with an 8k limit on it shortly afterwards. The point being he could have wrote anything and said company would have give it to him.

Maggie Simpson

Em - I think it because they do. Esp. with spouse earning 80k. And there's no way the OP can stop it from happening & any debts she runs up and doesn't repay could fall back on him as I assume he'd help her out if the debt collectors come knocking.

LegacyUser

TBH I'd be most concerned that the OP's wife jacked in a good job without even consulting him about it.

Of course her spending is out of control but seriously, you're married... what happened to joint decisions and talking about things before doing something as drastic as leaving/being fired from a job?

The OP seems to have the financial end under control with a new bank account but he REALLY needs to talk to his wife. I would suggest counselling, seems something is amiss for her to do what she did off her own bat.

Sleepy

Well, I'm thinking that given the fact a certain dodgy solicitor's wife recently managed to hold onto their family home under the fact that it was "hers" and the massive debts run up were "the certain solicitor's", marriage doesn't in fact tie two people together financially from a legal stand-point.

As such, any attempt by a financial institution to reclaim the money would be easily rebutted based on an 'irresponsible lending practices' basis while the person the card was issued to had no income of their own.

OP - cut her off completely from any access to money until she gets a job of her own. You could start by asking if she thinks it's fair to treat you like a john and if she's showing herself any respect acting as your whore?

How Strange

OP, sit your wife down and talk to her. Tell her what you've told us and show her some tough love. Ask her why her behaviour has changed so much recently.

I find it hard to understand why a woman who earned such a big salary would willingly give up her financial independence. It doesn't really seem logical so there may be an underlying reason that she hasn't told you about.

Also, the champagne spending on the fizzy wine budget has to stop. First class tickets to Oz :eek: honestly that is just plain craziness.

There are certain people in our post celtic tiger society who think that they have the right to live an almost celebrity type lifestyle where they don't work and they just spend spend spend on whatever they like. But according to your post your wife wasn't like this until recently so something has changed.

You need to talk to her about it. Also, getting a separate bank account is a good idea for the moment until this is sorted out.

PoleStar

sam34 wrote: »

i guess i'm one of the people that comment is directed at, given my previous post. i am a psychiatrist and also have a sibling with bipolar disorder

Yes and so as a psychiatrist it is highly irresponsible of you to give a possible medical diagnosis based on the fact that someone leaves her job and continues to spend and live life in the manner she is accustomed too, having a joint income of 140k.

I aggree with the poster who said that it is wrong to start throwing out possible diagnoses of psychiatirc disorders when all this might be is a lady who is not very happy in her job and sees all her friends on maternity leave and yearns for a stay at home lifetsyle.

And before you say, I am also a doctor.

sam34

i also think it would be irresponsible to not mention the potential diagnosis and advise on seeking medical intervention. as i mentioned in an earlier post, the op did not give us information on his wife's biological functioning and other things which would help clarifying whether or not there may be a mental illness in the equation. obviously, i am not going to make a diagnosis on an internet forum, but i do strongly think the op should have a chat with his gp. nothing irresponsible there, imo.