Husband advertising in personals

LegacyUser

I just found out that my husband has put an ad in a personals website and probably not for the first time.

Anyway rather than confront him, on the spur of the moment, I set up a fake ID for myself on the personals website and replied to his ad. Am I mad? I don't know how long I will be able to keep quiet. He cannot deny it as the idiot posted a photo of himself.

I don't want to ignore it but I don't want to lose him either. I do love him, we have kids including his from his previous marriage and my child who all live with us. I know he loves me too and he treats me well otherwise. Things have been very difficult for the last couple of years through no one's fault and I guess I made allowances. We never get to go out as a couple because our youngest has been ill so in some ways I don't blame him.

I am calm but annoyed that he thinks he can do this and come home to me. He works long hours(or so I think) and I stay at home with the kids.

Anyway has anyone experienced this and can give me advice?

Pythia

Confront him.
You need to find out his reasons why and see what he says when confronted before you do anything.

Am I mad?

Am I mad? wrote: »

He cannot deny it as the idiot posted a photo of himself.

well then anybody can see him
which means potential embarassment for both of you

your after replying to his ad?
its like the pinacolada song!

Well alot depends on what is in his ad

is he looking for sex or is he lookin to start a relationship?
Just so we know what way he is thinkin

Is there a lack of physicality to the relationship?
You should definitely confront him but take your time and decide what way your gonna do this
could always follow though the pinacolada song and try and meet him via the ad !

Sherifu

Am I mad? wrote: »

Anyway rather than confront him, on the spur of the moment, I set up a fake ID for myself on the personals website and replied to his ad. Am I mad? I don't know how long I will be able to keep quiet. He cannot deny it as the idiot posted a photo of himself.

Are you doing this to gather proof or see how far he goes? I assume the latter since he put his own pic up so that's enough proof. There could be a possibility that he's doing this just for excitement but unlikely. If he does intend to meet these women your fake profile isn't a bad way to find out. You will eventually have to confront him and talk to him about what he's doing. Good luck.

board om

Am I mad? wrote: »

I just found out that my husband has put an ad in a personals website and probably not for the first time.

Anyway rather than confront him, on the spur of the moment, I set up a fake ID for myself on the personals website and replied to his ad. Am I mad? I don't know how long I will be able to keep quiet. He cannot deny it as the idiot posted a photo of himself.

I don't want to ignore it but I don't want to lose him either. I do love him, we have kids including his from his previous marriage and my child who all live with us. I know he loves me too and he treats me well otherwise. Things have been very difficult for the last couple of years through no one's fault and I guess I made allowances. We never get to go out as a couple because our youngest has been ill so in some ways I don't blame him.

I am calm but annoyed that he thinks he can do this and come home to me. He works long hours(or so I think) and I stay at home with the kids.

Anyway has anyone experienced this and can give me advice?

can i ask how you came across his ad on a personals website? im not bing funny but it would be something that he will probably ask you, why you were looking through perosnals ads for men?

Toots

I think confronting him is the only option. I think if you actually go through with meeting him, it could turn quite nasty. Before you confront him, make totally sure that it's him on the site. If you feel that it definitely is, print out the page and bring it to him and ask him to explain what's going on.

BTW, how did you find out about the ad?

redspider

Am I mad? wrote: »

I do love him, we have kids including his from his previous marriage and my child who all live with us. I know he loves me too and he treats me well otherwise. Things have been very difficult for the last couple of years through no one's fault and I guess I made allowances. We never get to go out as a couple because our youngest has been ill so in some ways I don't blame him. I am calm but annoyed that he thinks he can do this and come home to me. He works long hours(or so I think) and I stay at home with the kids.

Okay, if I were you I would not mention the personal ad at all, but instead try and find some quiet and dedicated time (just the 2 of you) to discuss, not a "I want us to sit down tonight and discuss" type of situation, but where you ask him nicely yet clearly if he has problems with the relationship (which you know he has) and what the solutions may be and for you to do likewise. As you say, "I dont blame him" so perhaps he is being neglected, and perhaps you are too. Maybe a perfect solution is impossible, but perhaps changes can be made that are steps in the right direction and that will help both of you.

Good Luck,

Redspider

randylonghorn

board om wrote: »

can i ask how you came across his ad on a personals website? im not bing funny but it would be something that he will probably ask you, why you were looking through perosnals ads for men?

She said she just found out, she didn't say she happened across the ad herself, someone may have told her, given that he posted a pic.

OP, I know it's probably unlikely, but you are sure this was posted by your husband? No possibility the ad was put in as a prank by workmates / guys he plays soccer with / something like that? As you have demonstrated yourself by setting up a fake ID on the same site, not everything on the internet is always as it seems ...

board om

randylonghorn wrote: »

She said she just found out, she didn't say she happened across the ad herself, someone may have told her, given that he posted a pic.

OP, I know it's probably unlikely, but you are sure this was posted by your husband? No possibility the ad was put in as a prank by workmates / guys he plays soccer with / something like that? As you have demonstrated yourself by setting up a fake ID on the same site, not everything on the internet is always as it seems ...

this is why i am asking the question how did she find it. how do you 'just find' an ad on a personal site?

the reason i ask is if someone else pointed her in the direction of the ad then that might raise some questions if it turns out the ad was put up as a prank.

or if she found it by looking at the internet history files on his computer then did she feel it necessary to do that becuase she suspected something was going on in the first place?

you see it is a rational enough question. just finding it doesnt really explain much. was it a case that she felt he was up to something maybe?

Carrigart Exile

OP, why not ask him via your persona on that website why he is on there

LegacyUser

I found out yesterday. He was out and I picked up his PDA to play a game, it was in sleep mode and his email program was open. One of the messages showed the summary of what he had posted. I did not go looking, it was there without me opening anything. I sometimes play games on his PDA as do the kids so I don't understand how he could be so stupid.

So I then went through the email and texts and got the details from there. There were other texts where it obvious he is trying to make arrangements to meet women. I don't think he is looking for a relationship but I guess anythng can happen.

This has happened before and it took me ages to get him to admit it even though all the signs were there. In the meantime he ended it when I told him he was jeopardising his kids futures and things were good for ages.

I do neglect him I guess but there is so much going on with work, kids, hospitals etc and not much time or money for anything else. Our youngest child needs a lot of attention and we all are paying the price I guess. We also lost a child two years ago after a long illness and we are still grieving. He rarely talks about it but I know he is still struggling.

When he is home he is really great with the kids. He is very attentive to me and I know he would do just about anything I asked of him. He rarely goes out after finishing work and is always home at the weekends. However he has always kept his own work hours and has never been office based. So I just expect him when I see him. In otherwords he has plenty of opportunity to do what he wants during the day.

I guess I will have to talk to him. He replied to my fake message last night and I just sent him back another one. I don't think I can take it to the stage of setting up a meeting although I did think about it. Maybe I should. It might give me more insight into what is going on in his head.

Anyway thanks for your advice everyone. It helps a lot.

Nevyn

This is starting to sound awfully Babooshka

Abi

To be honest, I would go through with the 'meet up'. I think if you just brought it up at home he might find ways to fluff around it.

I would want to know how far he would go for one, and two I'd love to see his face. I think he needs to be stunned into reality here. He is readily setting himself up for extra-marital activities, for a want of a better word.

If he has a problem within your marraige, he should have talked to you first. I don't mean any disrespect, but regardless of having a sick child - its his wife he should be talking to. Marraige is about unity. Im not saying I wouldn't give him another try, but he is creating a crack in the trust between you. I think he needs a scare tbh.

You will have to grow a thick skin for this, but I'd do it.

MLE

Op, I feel for you. You seem very strong. You say that its hard on him with the kids and money etc and Im sure it is but Its very hard on you too. Like the previous reply said if your brave enough you should go through with the meet up just to show him how he is willing to go to jeopardise everything. Hopefully he sees sense and doesnt go through with it.

chuci

i go through with the meet up if its possible. it might be the shock he needs to cop on. if you do go through with it then id bring up either for ye to go to marriage therapist or for him to go to grief counciling. im sorry to hear about the death of your child and that you have another who is sick. im sure it is hard on him and you and that you children come first especially sick ones, but you need to make time for each other and to strengthen your marriage. from your post it does sound like you love each other very much and i hope it works out for you.

smash

you could arrange the meet, then turn around to him, point up to the sky and havesomething like this - http://img363.imageshack.us/img363/3728/00df01c8989cc6b30400f55vo1.jpg

starlight07

Thaedydal wrote: »

This is starting to sound awfully Babooshka

+1

Also, great usage of the word babooska lol

Andy-Pandy

Thaedydal wrote: »

This is starting to sound awfully Babooshka

Kate Bush???

StandnDeliver

this may sound a bit mad but here goes, if you dont have alone time at all, why not book a babysitter,go to this meetup and turn the whole thing round by going on a date with him.He will be shocked its you,all you say is i dont usually approve of this type of thing my husband wont be best pleased,So lets enjoy a drink and get to know each other.Why not put the romance,excitment into this date,you will be in the driving seat,and he will be gobsmacked.
Now most people would say your mad,but lots of people roleplay in relationships,
why not send him very flirty messages and put the spice you need back in. At least you will be his other woman.


im by no means condoning his behaviour.But you did say he isnt receiving much physical,maybe emotional attention,what about couple therapy,or even a couple activity.Surely there is someone who will let you spend time together for a few hours.

ellebelle

Hi

I've read your post and i am sorry to hear about your losing a baby and having a sick child.

However I am sad to see you are almost making excuses to excuse his behaviour. Everyone has to travel a rocky road at some point in their lives and some get it harder than others. You are both in the relationship so i don't see how an exception can be made for his behaviour. You have equally experienced the heart break of losing your child and the stresses and challenges of dealing with a sick child.

You have stated that he has done this before. Well if he's off on round two what makes you think there won't be a round three and will you put with it then. I would not continue with the whole scenario of communiating with him online pretending to be someone else..... thats just crazy. Get someone to look after the kids meet him and basically ask hime straight out 'met anyone nice on line?' Don't lose it with him find, let him have his say or explain himself and then get yourself in touch with the marraige counsellors that we hear so much about ACCORD (I think) and find out if this is something you want to work at.

Is this how you want to continue the rest of your married life... wondering is he being faithful, whats he up to, do i trust him. Thats no way to live and not an example to be setting your children. Also please do not let fear of being alone be the reason you stay. This life is not a dress rehersal, live it and be honest with yourself.

Good luck.

Hitchhiker's Guide to...

good post ellebelle, hope the OP listens to you

rohe

+1 ellebelle

Seraphina

actually.. i think StandnDeliver is on to something there
you could use this fake ID to show him a side of you he's never seen.
lots of attention, plenty of flirty messages, then if he's up for meeting, you could have a really nice 'date' planned for the two of you

you admitted you don't really spend enough time together. try getting a babysitter and maybe booking a hotel for the night, rediscover the love and all that

LegacyUser

Am sitting here trying to sort out my head. I went to bed just before 12 but he did not come up till 4.30. I asked him what was wrong, got usual answer. "cannot sleep, everything fine blah blah"

Anyway I said I felt there was something really wrong and I didn't understand why he wouldn't talk to me. He assured me that he was really happy with me. Anyway now I cannot sleep and want to see what he was really doing so come down to find some emails from him to my fake ID suggesting we meet for a drink/chat whatever.

Everytime I try to talk he just fobs me off. I feel he is just looking for some excitement in a very boring life. Going out as a couple or going away is not possible as our youngest cannot be left. At least for now anyway. But it is not as if we don't sleep together, in fact I would have said I have a higher sex drive than him. Mostly I initiate it though so maybe he has gone off me. The issue of STD's is going through my head also.

I know it is a bad idea to string him along like this but I know he will use every line in the book to deny everything so I guess I want something definite to confront him with.That is why I need to set up a meeting and go through with it. He cannot not fob me off with excuses then.

Despite everything that has happened, I am not trying to excuse his behaviour just trying to understand him and why he is doing this. The last thing I want is to end our marriage but the trust is a problem. I do not want to be on my own, i've been there before and it is had enough with one child. We do have four altogether now and I need to be very careful. I know he loves me but I need to work out for myself if that is enough.

Anyway thanks again for the great advice. No doubt I will be back on again.

LegacyUser

Dear OP, I actually thought StandnDeliver's idea was quite tempting too, even though I wouldn't normally be in favour of setting someone up or catching someone out. It's clear from your last post though how upsetting the situation is for you so I guess you don't need whimsical wishful thinking that it will be that easy to rediscover each other.

The one thing that strikes me though is that the way you have been communicating through the personals site (unknown to him) actually shows that it's not the case that neither of you have time or mental space or energy for each other. You have busy and stressful lives and worry about your child and grief for your other child and yet you or at least he is not totally worn down and exhausted, he can find the time to pursue something like this. Obviously it's hurtful but the positive side is that if you can get communicating properly with each other again, you do potentially have time in your lives for each other. He has to seriously think about focussing this spare energy that he has back on your relationship. It is very sad that you have to worry about the hardship of coping with all your responsibilities alone if things were to go wrong, but surely if he is basically a decent man he has at least as much a vested interest as you have (the children of course but also the inherent worth of your own relationship) in keeping the marriage together or refreshing it.

Without knowing your husband I just don't know if going ahead with the meet up is wise or not. I do hope you find a way to get through to him one way or the other though.

LegacyUser

We are meeting this lunchtime in a local pub. He thinks he is meeting my alias. I am dreading it but I feel I have to see it through. Otherwise he will say he never intended going. I want to sort it out once and for all. As other people have said, he has done this before and will do it again. I feel I deserve better and the kids do as well. I want to give him one more chance and hopefully he will see sense.

He has been assuring me the last few days that he is happy and I am all he needs yet as I type this he is here getting ready.

I have to give him a fright and hopefully he will wake up to what he is doing to us. I don't know if I am doing the right thing but he is not easy to get answers out. The trust is gone and only time will tell if we can get past this. He is basically a decent man but I do not want a lifetime of wondering where he is going everytime he leaves the house. I do love him and know in spite of everything that he loves me. So here goes.

Seraphina

please update us with his reaction. he will surely have to admit something is wrong and perhaps the two of you could try counselling?

Sherifu

Good Luck. I think you are doing the right thing. A surprise like this may work.

Overheal

Am I mad? wrote: »

I just found out that my husband has put an ad in a personals website and probably not for the first time.

Anyway rather than confront him, on the spur of the moment, I set up a fake ID for myself on the personals website and replied to his ad. Am I mad? I don't know how long I will be able to keep quiet. He cannot deny it as the idiot posted a photo of himself.

I don't want to ignore it but I don't want to lose him either. I do love him, we have kids including his from his previous marriage and my child who all live with us. I know he loves me too and he treats me well otherwise. Things have been very difficult for the last couple of years through no one's fault and I guess I made allowances. We never get to go out as a couple because our youngest has been ill so in some ways I don't blame him.

I am calm but annoyed that he thinks he can do this and come home to me. He works long hours(or so I think) and I stay at home with the kids.

Anyway has anyone experienced this and can give me advice?

Why does this sound like something out of Shakespeare?

When you confront him you could try putting a positive spin on this. Think about it: ultimately he has gone back to you.

I'm not saying it isn't troublesome but, you know, silver linings and all. It's certainly a start into fixing things.

StandnDeliver

Good luck

RuailleBuaille

Dying to know what's happened, best of luck OP!

Abi

Best of luck OP.


If the Mr turns up, Im not so sure we will hear from her for a good while. I cannot imagine what she felt to see him walk through that door.

Shes had such a rough run of things, and if this is what her husband calls support.. That is why I figured he needed a nasty shock. Just like she had when she accidently came across his advertisement.

You are probably very upset OP, but hope you do log in soon and tell us you are ok.


Best regards.

Nikster

Hope it all works out ok

BigglesMcGee

I just dont understand how if you catch him red-handed you will forgive him.
Why? Kick him to the kerb

useful_contacts

any word op?

Radharc na Sleibhte

Yeah, I was wondering all day.
Hope it went ok for you.
I was just thinking afterwards that a public place probably wasn't the best idea. I'm sure it'll be emotional enough.

LegacyUser

Sorry for not getting back sooner. It went pretty well I think. He was really shocked and admitted everything. Everything was very calm and we talked for about an hour. He was gobsmacked when I told him I was his"date" and said he was actually glad it went the way it did. He has promised never to do it again and has deleted his adverts. He said that he was bored, feeling unloved and needed excitement. We have agreed to both work on things but I have made it very clear that if anything like this happens again then that will be the end of us.

He swears that he has never slept with anyone else. I have no proof that he did so I have decided to believe him on this. He knows that it is going to take a while to get back on track and he seems genuinely sorry. Maybe I am being niave but I have to give him one more chance.

I was dreading yesterday but I think it was definately the best way to handle it. I just hope that he means everythng he said and it works out. I think we have a good chance. Hope so anyway.

I have to say I am really touched by the advice and support given to me here and it has been a fantastic help. Thank you all so much.

Weidii

Well done for handling it calmly. I wish you the best of luck and hope it all goes well for you.

Overheal

Another happy ending. I blame Bill Shakespeare, naturally.

Best wishes to ya.

Abi

OP Im glad things have worked out. You made a tough choice here, but it sounds like it was the right one. Urge him to keep the lines of communication open.

Best of luck.

Radharc na Sleibhte

Abigayle wrote: »

OP Im glad things have worked out. You made a tough choice here, but it sounds like it was the right one. Urge him to keep the lines of communication open.

Best of luck.

....and keep an eye on him.
Best of luck OP.

StandnDeliver

thats great news OP maybe some encouragement to book hotels for a night for a night of passion should be encouraged and make up for lost couple time and you can relax too

Sherifu

That's quite a good ending.

all the stars

im really pleased for you - well done handling it - best wishes!

chuci

im pleased for you op hope it all works out for the best. good luck.

funloving

Am I Mad? wrote: »

Sorry for not getting back sooner. It went pretty well I think. He was really shocked and admitted everything. Everything was very calm and we talked for about an hour. He was gobsmacked when I told him I was his"date" and said he was actually glad it went the way it did. He has promised never to do it again and has deleted his adverts. He said that he was bored, feeling unloved and needed excitement. We have agreed to both work on things but I have made it very clear that if anything like this happens again then that will be the end of us.

He swears that he has never slept with anyone else. I have no proof that he did so I have decided to believe him on this. He knows that it is going to take a while to get back on track and he seems genuinely sorry. Maybe I am being niave but I have to give him one more chance.

I was dreading yesterday but I think it was definately the best way to handle it. I just hope that he means everythng he said and it works out. I think we have a good chance. Hope so anyway.

I have to say I am really touched by the advice and support given to me here and it has been a fantastic help. Thank you all so much.

Only time will say if he learnt the lesson for real or not.
I am sure he was very sorry for what he did and he meant all the things he said...BUT everybody generally say "I promise,I am never ever doing it again" or "I swear I won't disappoint you anymore,you are all I need" and after some time,when they feel they have sorted all out,they start again.
Unfortunately when some people are forgiven they feel stronger and even take their partner more for granted thinking the other will never have the courage of getting rid of them...
I don't wanna sadden the OP or being bitter,but this is the way things go sometimes.
I really hope this is not the case and I wish you all the best!

niceoneted

I read with interest. I am glad for you the way things worked out. I have two things I am going to suggest:
1. You both go for a STI/STD - this will not necessarily mean you do not trust what he says but suggest it will be for your fresh start together.
2. You ask him why he said things were ok when he then admitted he was feeling unloved etc. He will need to learn that he can trust you in telling you how he feels, and just be more honest in general. Perhaps some councelling would help in this are.

The best of luck to you.

LegacyUser

Well a few months have passed and things have not improved. I agreed to stay with him if he would organise and go to marriage counselling. He promised several times over the last few months that he would but never did. At the time I tried really hard to get past the situation and keep everything civil. However as time went on, I got more & more frustrated and we started to row constantly. We have only slept together three times since.

It came to a point a few weeks ago when I told him that I could not take it anymore and that for the sake of my sanity I could no longer look after his kids. I know it is terribly unfair on the kids but I really felt I was cracking up and the all kids were suffering as a result. He moved in to his kid's room(his decision). We barely speak now and live like flatmates. Him & his kids, me & mine. I do not like the person I have become. I am angry and agressive over the slightest thing.

Yesterday I came down before him and found his phone. I know I shouldn't have but I looked at his messages and found several from one person where it is obvious there is something going on. I know he was texting her at least as far back as March and possibly a lot longer. I also found texts he had sent to other people looking for female company. Now I don't really care about the recent stuff but the fact that he is still in contact with someone from back then really gets to me. I don't think it is a regular thing but it is obvious from the content of the texts that they have had physical contact. References to sexy body, cute lips, etc etc. I forwarded some of the texts to my phone and even sent her a text from his phone asking for her address so that I (he) could send her something. I have no idea why I did that, I suppose I just wanted concrete proof. He has no idea of this as I deleted the texts and asked her not to text back until I(he) got back in touch as things were awkward at home. I have no idea what he has told her and could be spinning her a pack of lies. He also made reference to plans he was making and that moving back home was an option.(he is not Irish btw)

Anyway I couldnt help my self and lost it with him this evening and told him I was not taking it anymore and wanted out once & for all. Things got quite nasty & the insults went back and forth although I was the far bigger culprit here. To cap it all, he still denies that there is anything going on.

Anyway he says he or his kids cannot live like this anymore and will find somewhere else to live within a month max. I am very disappointed that it has come to this, but I have no trust in him anymore and do not believe he will ever change. I do not want to settle just for security but I really thought after everything we had coped with, we could make this work.

Anyway weirdly I just feel tired. Not devasted or even particularly upset. I am so not looking forward to being on my own again but maybe it is for the best in the long run. I feel really bad for the kids though.

Anyway thanks for reading this. I just needed to get it out.

Maggie Simpson

Sorry this has all ended up so badly.

Just a word of advice - get yourself a solicitor ASAP. IF what you say is definite and he's moving out etc. you want to make sure everything is above board......even just make an appointment to explain the situation. The last thing you want is for something to happen whereby you need a solicitor and don't have one........

marti101

Also keep the texs and emails you will have the proof you need.Good luck.

LegacyUser

Hi,
Sorry to hear things haven't worked out. I remember reading the thread a few months ago as all this was happening, waiting eagerly on any news, and thinking how brave you were from confronting it the way your did.

But I think given the latest updates it is time you moved on. While the kids may be upset now, in the long run this is probably best for them. They don't need to be living around negativity and the fighting etc

Best of luck to you