I need a lie

Peyton Manning

Right, I have some part time work tomorrow but, having done my calculations, it will cost me more to do this (through travel costs) than I will actually earn. Thats where you lot come in.

I need a lie to get off work. Im a horrible lier myself, so Ive recruited an equally dishonest fellow to do my dirty work. The original plan was to get him to ring and say I was in hospital after an accident, and although I was fine, I was being kept for observations and was therefor unavailable to work. But then theres the chance they would check with the hospital (would they?).

What lies can you lot offer up to me? I wont accept any 'just grow up and be a man and do the work/ring yourself' replies for I am not a man, I am a lazy c*nt.

Thank you boardsies, the floor is yours...

Red Alert

Get your mam to ring up and say that you've laryngitis.

JohnCleary

Just grow up and be a man and do the work/ring yourself











A foolproof one to avoid work - shoot yourself in the head

JohnCleary

Red Alert wrote: »

Get your mam to ring up and say that you've laryngitis.

His oul one won't be able to make that call, she'll be 'busy'

Mena

Call and tell them you've worked it out and it's not worth your while to come in. Tell them you'll take a 100% increase in payment or you walk!

Peyton Manning

I should also mention that I spoke to them on the phone yesterday and said I was available for work, which rules out the laryngitis thing.

I know I am a horrible person, so you dont have to point this out.

funk-you

Ring them yourself now and tell them that a family problem has come up and you won't be able to make it. Use the whole i'm letting you know as early as possible so you aren't stuck etc...
If they ask you whats wrong just tell them you'd rather not say until you know a bit more yourself

-Funk

6th

Archimedes wrote: »

The original plan was to get him to ring and say I was in hospital after an accident

Trust me ... dont go with this one.

Just email in sick saying your throat is in bits and say you can give them a shout after you finish at the doctors. Send another email after lunch saying you have strep throat and will be back in after the weekend.

FunkZ

Ring them yourself now and tell them that a family problem has come up and you won't be able to make it. Use the whole i'm letting you know as early as possible so you aren't stuck etc...

-FunkZ

EDIT!
I rang in sick yesterday for today, granted I actually have a flu. But it'll probably go handier than ya think!

Dave!

Any dying relatives? Try to encourage them along. If they love you they'll not object to being unplugged.

s_carnage

Ring today saying you won a competition on Today Fm (or something like dat) for tickets to some premiership match this weekend and would it be possible to get off Sat so you could go.

Could also say the cows are calfing!!!!

coady

If you must lie , Keep it simple, there more complicated it is the more it gets.

RxQueen

food poisioning , or a 24hr bug.

joeybloggs

Agent: Now, before I give you the check, one more question. This place
"Moe's'' you left just before the accident. This is a business of
some kind?
Homer: [thinks] Don't tell him you were at a bar! Gasp! But what else
is open at night?
[aloud] It's a pornography store. I was buying pornography.

Boom_Bap

Why give an excuse? This is how the phone call should go:

Archimedes: Hello Boss, not going to be in today.
Boss: OK
Archimedes: Peace out

kevmy

Avoid anything hospital related or complicated.

Actually I'd advise steering clear from sickness altogether - presuming that is you have to go to work in the near future.

Say something along the lines of personal/family related. If they ask start muttering about your grandfather, alcoholism and interventions then start crying.

astrofool

Can you not just tell them that your costs are higher, and that you'd need to charge more to make it worth your while? What type of work is it?

Toto Wolfcastle

I'd avoid anything related to illness/death/potential death of relative because you just know that whatever you say will happen and then you'll feel guilty!

Also, don't say your granny died, and then change it to your other granny when you get found out. It arouses suspicion! Even Steve Staunton managed to figure that one out.

Xavi6

Sudden serious illness to a relative. Always worked a treat for me.

MBC

Just ring in and tell them the truth..........i promise ya you'll feel 100 times better.........just say you've just worked it out and it'll cost ya more to travel than what your gonna get back...............the person on the other end of the phone will/has to be able to understand this.

I use to be a bit like you be afraid to ring in sick, something wrong with payslip and id be more like ah just leave it etc...........but now that im sort of a manager........i get this all the time from colleagues .........what do you think the other person will say to you? go nuts.......well if so maybe ur better off not working for them then.

Go on do it:D

KingOfFairview

I've come down with a bad dose of AIDS

Clink

Ring in a bomb threat to the bus / train station you'll be departing from which'll get at least a few of them cancelled, then ring work and say that you can't come in as you've no way of getting there :cool:

Xavi6

Question: What sort of shitty wages are you on to be in that position?!

funk-you

FunkZ wrote: »

Ring them yourself now and tell them that a family problem has come up and you won't be able to make it. Use the whole i'm letting you know as early as possible so you aren't stuck etc...

-FunkZ

EDIT!
I rang in sick yesterday for today, granted I actually have a flu. But it'll probably go handier than ya think!

??

-Funk

derek27

Some very impractical advice been given here I must say.

The one that always works... diarrhoea. You can ring any time before you're due to be there to say that you must have eaten something bad and have diarrhoea and won't be able to make it in. They won't ask you to supply a doctors note since while you were sick, you couldn't go more than 20 feet away from the nearest toilet.

ibh

I would go with something like, "i have a serious dose of diarrhoea and i'm calling you from the toilet where i have been for 8 hours". You could also mention the details of it regarding viscosity etc.
Trust me they won't want you to come in, and the chances are they won't want to discuss your sickness like they might with a sore throat etc.

MBC

BTW if ya are gonna ring in sick........use family member and you just don't know what the story is yet.

Reason to use family member is because the next day in work people wont be asking bout it........if you bombs, going hospital, and the the cat rang away me eye balls and i fell down a manhole and the army helicopter (have the irish army actually got one of these) had to rescue me etc etc etc............you will be hounded in your job about what happened.

ibh

derek27 wrote: »

Some very impractical advice been given here I must say.

The one that always works... diarrhoea. You can ring any time before you're due to be there to say that you must have eaten something bad and have diarrhoea and won't be able to make it in. They won't ask you to supply a doctors note since while you were sick, you couldn't go more than 20 feet away from the nearest toilet.

Damn it... You beat me to it....

helimachoptor

Op be a man a ring in. No matter how sick I am I always ring in sick myself.

Last year I had a very nasty football injury. I called my boss the night it happened to tell her I'd be taking a few days off. The call lasted so long that as soon as it was over I turned the air blue... Massive pain!

derek27

ibh wrote: »

Damn it... You beat me to it....

Great minds think alike

johnnyskeleton

Archimedes wrote: »

Right, I have some part time work tomorrow but, having done my calculations, it will cost me more to do this (through travel costs) than I will actually earn. Thats where you lot come in.

I need a lie to get off work. Im a horrible lier myself, so Ive recruited an equally dishonest fellow to do my dirty work. The original plan was to get him to ring and say I was in hospital after an accident, and although I was fine, I was being kept for observations and was therefor unavailable to work. But then theres the chance they would check with the hospital (would they?).

What lies can you lot offer up to me? I wont accept any 'just grow up and be a man and do the work/ring yourself' replies for I am not a man, I am a lazy c*nt.

Thank you boardsies, the floor is yours...

How do you earn less than the travel expense? Get a job that's nearer to home or on a bus route, or ask your employer for travel expenses.

Popinjay

Archimedes, if you don't want to do the job you can just tell me. I understand if it's costing you more money. I'll find someone else who lives a bit nearer or something. Don't worry about it. Incidentally, if this is the level of dishonesty you're displaying I won't be employing you ever again. You can pick up your p45 when you get a chance.

KingOfFairview

Turn up in the office with a huge bloodstain eminating from your arse and a cheerful demeanour

Xavi6

KingOfFairview wrote: »

Turn up in the office with a huge bloodstain eminating from your arse and a cheerful demeanour

Eh the point is it's not worth it for him to go to the office. Sure if he turns up as you say he may as well feckin work. At least read the OP.

JohnCleary

Popinjay wrote: »

Archimedes, if you don't want to do the job you can just tell me. I understand if it's costing you more money. I'll find someone else who lives a bit nearer or something. Don't worry about it. Incidentally, if this is the level of dishonesty you're displaying I won't be employing you ever again. You can pick up your p45 when you get a chance.

LOL imagine if the boss actually was reading this thread

TestTransmission

1.Family Issue
2.Personal Issue
3.If all else fails....diarrhoea

MarkR

Tell them your ovaries hurt.

biko

Ring them now and tell them you've been fired. Or try to fire them.

Randomswinger

Ring yourself and tell them someone popped a couple of viagra into your pint the night before and you can't rid of the stiffy for love nor money

Clink

Or tell then you've Necrotizing fasciitis

Rb

Just tell them that you've pulled something in your back whilst moving furniture around the house or that you ate something dodgy and can't make it in.

Spud83

The sh*ts is always a good one. Blame some dodgy meat or somethin.

Dragan

Ensure that no one in your place of work knows your boards user name.

faceman

Im with MBC and astrofool on this one. I was in a similar situation and explained to my employer at the time that it would cost me money to go to work so they gave me a travel allowance for those days. best tell them today though and not leave it till tomorrow.

Jigsaw

You could say that you slept in an awkward position and woke up with torsion of the testes and that you have had to go to hospital for a testicular massage to untwist your tubes.

Ross_Mahon

Scab a lift of someone to work, no travel cost then, or you could fake the flu

Drift

I've skipped through the thread so someone may have already suggested these:

Option 1: Tell them a dingo ate your baby and you're too distraught to work.

Option 2: Tell them you've been hit by a train and can't come in because it's very contageous.

Tigger

piles burst-blood everywhere

MCMLXXXIII

Dragan wrote: »

Ensure that no one in your place of work knows your boards user name.

Haha ^ + 1 !

But seriously though, just say that it will cost you more than you will make...who knows - maybe they will pay you more?

Girrrrseach

Drift wrote: »

Tell them you've been hit by a train and can't come in because it's very contageous.

Brilliant.

Nah, I would go for the truth, honest to God, I mean it costs more to get there then what you will be paid? If this is an ongoing thing, then its not viable... Tell the truth, it's not like its your fault, and as was already said, they may pay you more when you make them realise the situation.

Sherifu

You made thread of the day OP so they're gonna know you're full of shit anyway.

JohnCleary wrote: »

LOL imagine if the boss actually was reading this thread

More likely now.