Hurtful comment from bf...

LegacyUser

Went to the cinema last night with my boyfriend of 8 months, who I’m crazy about and vice versa (I believe)… So there we are sitting in the cinema waiting for the trailers to start and I’m munching away happily on my popcorn, when he suddenly turns to me and says “Jesus babe they’re not gonna go out of fashion, go easy there” …

I looked at him waiting for some sign that he was joking, cause he has been known to be a bit of a joker and is usually funny, but he looked totally serious.. I must add that we both had our own buckets of popcorn..

Now I don’t care if I was on the floor with the bucket on my head licking the salt from the inside of it (which I wasn’t) how dare he say something like that to me.. I wasn’t eating any faster than anyone else around me, and I’m not a big girl I’m a size 8-10 and take good care of myself.. I have had eating issues in the past (which am over now, TG) which he knows about, which makes it even harder for me to swallow (excuse the pun) I was so p1ssed off I nearly got up and left the cinema, it actually sickened me, I just saw it as a complete lack of regard for my feelings, I would never make a comment like that to anyone, never mind the person I’m supposed to be in love with… I didn’t want to touch the popcorn again after that, but as a matter of principal I made sure I ate every last bit.. I let it go and he stayed at mine but when I woke up this morning I just couldn’t get it out of my head, and I actually couldn’t wait for him to get up and leave for work..

Anyway, am I right to be upset or am I over reacting here? Has this ever happened to anyone else here? Has anyone any advice on how to approach this with him, as I am going to bring it up the next time I see him…

Thanks..

seamus

You're over reacting a bit. It was a joke. Just because he wasn't smiling or laughing, doesn't mean that he wasn't joking.

It's easy for us men to cross the boundaries sometimes - there's stuff that we'd say to our mates, such as your bf's comments, that mean absolutely nothing. But said to a woman, she will overanalyse it and think there's something more in it.

There's nothing deeper in the comment. It was off-the-cuff. You have overanalysed it and come to conclusions which don't even exist. Yes, he should have stopped himself before he spoke, but he's probably that comfortable with you that he didn't think it would mean anything. Don't fly off the handle at him - just make him aware that what he said did hurt you and I guarantee he'll apologise and it'll never happen again.

Instead of building it up overnight (and possibly out of proportion, the longer you leave it) and not saying a word to him, try reacting immediately next time. You don't need a bunch of strangers to tell you if you felt hurt by a comment or not.

milod

Sounds like you're over-sensitized around the food issue, and he's under-sensitized around the consideration of your feelings around the food issue (that's if he's fully aware of the issue etc).

LegacyUser

I asked him if he was joking and his response was "babe I'm just saying, that's all" which indicates that he wasn't joking.. At most I'd say he was half joking.. He eats like a pig I might add and usually finishes my dinners/deserts which doesn't bother me in the least, cause I love him..

LegacyUser

bluewolf wrote: »

Instead of building it up overnight (and possibly out of proportion, the longer you leave it) and not saying a word to him, try reacting immediately next time. You don't need a bunch of strangers to tell you if you felt hurt by a comment or not.

I did make my feelings known, I told him I was p1ssed off, what more could I do in a packed cinema, I didn't want to make a scene, I don't need anyone to tell me if Im hurt, I know I'm hurt, I'm asking for advice on how to approach it with him when I see him...

Milod, he is fully aware of the situation... and yes I could be a bit sensitive when it comes to food matters, and if he wasn't aware of that I probably wouldn't feel so hurt tbh..

JC 2K3

The only reason I can think of that someone might say that is so you wouldn't eat it all in the first 5 minutes and you'd have some left for during the movie....

This is a BIG overreaction IMO.

Unless he is some sort of a control freak who analyses everything you eat etc., if that's the case then run!

SEPT 23 1989

well once you were not eating your popcorn out of a black bin bag wearing a mumu
im sure he was joking with you:):)

Marksie

bluewolf wrote: »

Instead of building it up overnight (and possibly out of proportion, the longer you leave it) and not saying a word to him, try reacting immediately next time. You don't need a bunch of strangers to tell you if you felt hurt by a comment or not.

That is how you handle this if it happens again

Hurt087 wrote: »

I asked him if he was joking and his response was "babe I'm just saying, that's all" which indicates that he wasn't joking.. At most I'd say he was half joking.. He eats like a pig I might add and usually finishes my dinners/deserts which doesn't bother me in the least, cause I love him..

You have been stewing on this overnight and as you said, can't get it out of your head.
Now I know eating disorders are no laughing matter, but i think it may have been an impromptu comment.

Why did you feel the need to tell us about the fact he east your dinners etc?
it is indicatory that you are really building this up.

biko

Here's my take:
You both have buckets, but you finish yours before movie even starts and then start digging into his during film.
Less for him means that he'll be upset.

LegacyUser

SEPT 23 1989 wrote: »

well once you were not eating your popcorn out of a black bin bag wearing a mumu
im sure he was joking with you:):)

LOL... Well they were large combos :-)

I get what you're all saying but I still want to choke him.. Maybe I am just too sensitive, but after 8 months he should know that and not joke with me like that..

helimachoptor

Op big overreaction IMO. I say it to my Gf plenty of times and she's pretty slim. Though for her it usually involves her eating a whole mashed turnip in one go!

For me its usually chocolate... I ate 3 easters eggs in one sitting last week

Marksie

Hurt087 wrote: »

I get what you're all saying but I still want to choke him.. Maybe I am just too sensitive, but after 8 months he should know that and not joke with me like that..

You will have the guy terrified of opening his mouth and double checking what he says!

I really dont think it was aimed at your disorder TBH, juts one of those things thats said in the moment.

TheDriver

I used to be in relationships like this where you couldn't say a thing or it would be seen as insulting or hurting their feelings and was always worried about what i said. Naturally, p45s came. Don't overreact, you need to be happy about yourself and self confidence to not let obviously non intentional things upset you.
Think you overreacted and need to not think about it so much

Jimmy Bottlehead

Hurt087 wrote: »

I asked him if he was joking and his response was "babe I'm just saying, that's all" which indicates that he wasn't joking.. At most I'd say he was half joking.. He eats like a pig I might add and usually finishes my dinners/deserts which doesn't bother me in the least, cause I love him..

With comments like those, I start to think about the words 'pot', 'black' and 'kettle'.

LegacyUser

Maybe you were eating really loudly and that was bothering him? If you're not fat and you were both eating the same thing, i say that's what his problem.

Maybe just close your mouth when you're eating with him next time.

AnonoBoy

I can see how you might be upset by it especially since you have a history of eating disorders but......

..... your boyfriend is a guy and we make comments as jokes all the time without thinking them through. It's what we do. Your history with food was probably the last thing on his mind when he said it - he may well have realised it afterwards and felt bad but it was already out there.

Explain to him why you're pissed off - not that he can't make jokey comments and slag you off a bit (presumably he can and you can give it right back) but that when it comes to this particular issue you want him to leave off since it's particularly sensitive area for you.

LegacyUser

Jimmy Bottlehead wrote: »

With comments like those, I start to think about the words 'pot', 'black' and 'kettle'.

Yeah bad choice of words there, what I meant was, he loves his food, which is great, and eats a lot faster and bigger portions than me, which again is fine, and I would never say anything like what he said to me, and tbh the thought to say it would never even enter my head.. Which was why it caught me off guard when he said it..

LegacyUser

HI op,

I know exactly what you mean, i've had food issues as well years ago and am now over them, however i am still over sensitive around the whole food thing. Thing is i recognise it now and try not to over react when someone makes a passing comment, which is exactly what i think your bf did. As others have said, i reckon he just meant keep some for the film!

If i were you i would just try and let it go after you tell him that it hurt you and your a little sensitive when it comes to comments like that. He'll think twice about it next time hopefully.

My bf made a passing comment on a photo of me before me met before and i went ballistic, when i look back on it he was just trying to say i had lost a bit of weight since then but i saw it as him calling me a fat hefer! We had a huge row about it for a couple of days but when i saw his point of view i realised i was was just over sensitive.
Most people who have had issues around food in the past are over sensitive when it comes to things like this.
I think the key is to recognise it and take a step back and see the comment for what it is. Just a comment that most people wouldn't think too much about. Best of luck with it!

Knightfall

These things will happen in relationships. IMO you should just get it off of your chest at the time and say that you didnt' appreciate the comment. Don't let it stew because when people do that we all build the issue up and up in our heads! If you bring it up now, after the event it will seem like an overreaction.

Miss Fluff

Knightfall wrote: »

These things will happen in relationships. IMO you should just get it off of your chest at the time and say that you didnt' appreciate the comment. Don't let it stew because when people do that we all build the issue up and up in our heads! If you bring it up now, after the event it will seem like an overreaction.

+1, you are overreacting OP.

Sherifu

Food isn't worth getting pissed off about OP. There are a lot better things to be worried about in a relationship imo. Next time buy more popcorn.

Sleepy

Time to get out the lego OP...

LegacyUser

knowwhatumean. wrote: »

HI op,

I know exactly what you mean, i've had food issues as well years ago and am now over them, however i am still over sensitive around the whole food thing. Thing is i recognise it now and try not to over react when someone makes a passing comment, which is exactly what i think your bf did. As others have said, i reckon he just meant keep some for the film!

If i were you i would just try and let it go after you tell him that it hurt you and your a little sensitive when it comes to comments like that. He'll think twice about it next time hopefully.

My bf made a passing comment on a photo of me before me met before and i went ballistic, when i look back on it he was just trying to say i had lost a bit of weight since then but i saw it as him calling me a fat hefer! We had a huge row about it for a couple of days but when i saw his point of view i realised i was was just over sensitive.
Most people who have had issues around food in the past are over sensitive when it comes to things like this.
I think the key is to recognise it and take a step back and see the comment for what it is. Just a comment that most people wouldn't think too much about. Best of luck with it!

Thanks for that, I can see now that most people don't think as deeply about things like this, I'll try and be less sensitive or as you say take a step back and try to look at the situation in perspective... Hope you're doing well..

LegacyUser

Sleepy wrote: »

Time to get out the lego OP...

I'm over it, just needed to vent :-)

Dudess

OP, I've also had food issues so I can see it from your perspective, but I still think it's an over-reaction on your part. Sometimes when someone is eating really quickly and eagerly, another person might make the comment "calm down will you?!" No harm is meant. It's kinda like when someone is rushing round the place stressed out and someone says "relax will you?!" It might have been irritating him. I know when I'm watching a movie I like things to be relaxed - not frantic stuff going on beside me.
You'd have far more to be concerned about if he was like this guy: http://www.boards.ie/vbulletin/showthread.php?t=2055269539

Doesn't seem like he's even remotely similar.

StormWarrior

I think you're over reacting. It's not like he said, "Stop stuffing your face you fat bolster, you make me sick!" You sound over-sensitive to me. If you are worried about your weight, then stop eating whole buckets of popcorn yourself!

LegacyUser

StormWarrior wrote: »

I think you're over reacting. It's not like he said, "Stop stuffing your face you fat bolster, you make me sick!" You sound over-sensitive to me. If you are worried about your weight, then stop eating whole buckets of popcorn yourself!

Sorry but where did I say I was worried about my weight? I look after myself and I'm now happy with my size, the issue was his lack of regard for my feelings and I find it rude to comment on how someone else eats, but I'm discovering here that I may be alone in that respect...

Dudess

The OP is over sensitive because of having issues with food in her past. This problem is complex and difficult to understand unless you've been there. Comments like yours can trigger all sorts of negative emotions.

Maybe she just has a treat every so often - hence the large helping of popcorn. Seems likely considering she's only size 8 to 10.

LegacyUser

Hurt087 wrote: »

Thanks for that, I can see now that most people don't think as deeply about things like this, I'll try and be less sensitive or as you say take a step back and try to look at the situation in perspective... Hope you're doing well..

I'm doing good thanks, I hope you are too. Thankfully that part of my life was dealt with years ago.
But i'm still sensitive to comments and the like , I don't think that ever leaves someone who's had an eating disorder but you learn to put it in perspective as you said.
Recently a guy who was very drunk told me i had a nice big arse, i think he meant it as a compliment but i was so upset for a few minutes and thinking that the next day i was going on a diet and i need to start exercising more etc etc. Then i just said ah here, feck it, so what! Life's too short!
Try not to worry about it, you were probably just eating a little loud or something

LegacyUser

Dudess wrote: »

The OP is over sensitive because of having issues with food in her past. This problem is complex and difficult to understand unless you've been there. Comments like yours can trigger all sorts of negative emotions.

Maybe she just has a treat every so often - hence the large helping of popcorn. Seems likely considering she's only size 8 to 10.

Thanks you..

kizzyr

I can see where you're coming from OP. It was a thoughtless insensitive comment to make and would be to many women not necessarily someone who has a history of an eating disorder. However, men can all too often be thoughtless, insensitive wan*ers and say things without thinking them through.
When you/if you see him tonight I'd tell him outright that his comment upset you and you didn't like it. Then I'd leave it at that, you'll have told him (calmly) how it made you feel and that will be it.

Mighty_Mouse

However, men can all too often be thoughtless, insensitive wan*ers and say things without thinking them through.
When you/if you see him tonight I'd tell him outright that his comment upset you and you didn't like it. Then I'd leave it at that

Blokes perspective: be very careful here.
If I was met coming in the door from work with an argument over a comment I probably can't even remember making as silly as that, I'd be very quick to tell her where to go.

FFS, grow up. I understand we live currently in a ridiculous, childish age where women are super-super-super sensitive to everything within an asses roar of weight..............but come on, he hardly insulted you.

Relax the kaks lady & enjoy yer feckin popcorn.

the GALL

This is just a thought and nobody blow a gasket.... if he thought you were eating like a pig and said it well thats his opinion.
You've heard loads about men been selfish insensetive b***ards and all that. You should talk to him about his comment and maybe take what he says about eating on board.
A lot of peoples eating habits/styles are disgusting(not that yours are)
maybe you had other people looking at you and he was just giving you the heads up.

Please dont shoot me!!!:eek:

kizzyr

Mighty_Mouse wrote: »

Blokes perspective: be very careful here.
If I was met coming in the door from work with an argument over a comment I probably can't even remember making as silly as that, I'd be very quick to tell her where to go.

FFS, grow up. I understand we live currently in a ridiculous, childish age where women are super-super-super sensitive to everything within an asses roar of weight..............but come on, he hardly insulted you.

Relax the kaks lady & enjoy yer feckin popcorn.

LOl I didn't mean that she should be sitting on the bottom step of the stairs waiting for him to get in and immediately launch into an attack about it.
If she could forget all about it that would be great but she can't. All too often this means that a massive fight will break out in the next few days about (to his mind) something totally different but to her mind is about that comment and all the time he ignored it afterward. Women can be nuts, I say that as one.

LegacyUser

kizzyr wrote: »

LOl I didn't mean that she should be sitting on the bottom step of the stairs waiting for him to get in and immediately launch into an attack about it.
If she could forget all about it that would be great but she can't. All too often this means that a massive fight will break out in the next few days about (to his mind) something totally different but to her mind is about that comment and all the time he ignored it afterward. Women can be nuts, I say that as one.

We don't live together, next time I see him will probably be Saturday, but I do intend to say something still.. I won't go in guns blazing but I want him to know that I don't appreciate what he said.. Anyway thanks for all the replies, appreciated...

Dudess

the GALL wrote: »

This is just a thought and nobody blow a gasket.... if he thought you were eating like a pig and said it well thats his opinion.

I agree. Sometimes people get irritated by the way others eat - e.g. slurping tea or soup drives me round the twist. That does not mean I think they're greedy or destined to become fat - those kinda thoughts don't even come into it.

LegacyUser

Dudess wrote: »

I agree. Sometimes people get irritated by the way others eat - e.g. slurping tea or soup drives me round the twist. That does not mean I think they're greedy or destined to become fat - those kinda thoughts don't even come into it.

No I asked him if the way I ate bothered him and he said no, well what I actually said was "**** if the way I eat bothers you, then we have problems" and he said it didn't, to which I could have contested that his previous statement indicated the contrary, but I just didn't see the point seeing as the film was about to begin.. In hindsight I should have tackled it there and then, maybe gone outside to discuss it but I had paid for the cinema tickets and didn't want to waste my money...

Clink

Maybe the way you eat doesn't bother him but the noise of popcorn being eaten(by anyone) does. I CANNOT STAND the sound of people eating popcorn, I mean really can't abide it. In the cinema I have to resist the urge to tell strangers to shut up the feck munching.

I think you're vastly over reacting here, if you get this bothered by a small comment like that it doesn't bode well for when you've a full blown arguement.

kizzyr

Hurt087 wrote: »

No I asked him if the way I ate bothered him and he said no, well what I actually said was "**** if the way I eat bothers you, then we have problems" and he said it didn't, to which I could have contested that his previous statement indicated the contrary, but I just didn't see the point seeing as the film was about to begin.. In hindsight I should have tackled it there and then, maybe gone outside to discuss it but I had paid for the cinema tickets and didn't want to waste my money...

Was the movie any good though? Hope the entire evening wasn't a waste:)

the GALL

Hurt087 wrote: »

No I asked him if the way I ate bothered him and he said no, well what I actually said was "**** if the way I eat bothers you, then we have problems" and he said it didn't, to which I could have contested that his previous statement indicated the contrary, but I just didn't see the point seeing as the film was about to begin.. In hindsight I should have tackled it there and then, maybe gone outside to discuss it but I had paid for the cinema tickets and didn't want to waste my money...

If you asked me the same question like that i'd have said no aswell.

JimmyCrackCorn!

Can you answer just a few questions?

You voiced your opinion in the cinema. Did your boyfriend learn or apologise?


If he did:
Why are you looking to explode a second time? It sounds like your building for a large argument.


If he didn't:
Exploding two days later will appear random. If it happens again then sit him down and explain CALMLY and CLEARLY what he is done wrong.

Oryx

The comment itself to me, was a bit of a non-event, and not worth leaving a cinema over, or having a huge row. A nudge and calling him an ignorant sod (in jest) would have been enough to point out his insensitivity.

I reckon his comment was an off the cuff male type comment. A moment in time that he didnt think to much about. Unless the man is a masochist, he wont have meant it to hurt you like it did.

I do think you could, if you wanted to, have shrugged it off. 1)because it was not meant in the way you heard it and 2) because in any relationship you can actually sometimes be an ass and say something hurtful (intended or not) but still genuinely love the person.

I wouldnt even bother bringing it up again, unless youre not really mentioning the comment itself, but opening a discussion on how sensitive you are to food comments, just so he is aware in future.

red_ice

sounds to me like you cant take a joke. He was trying to tell you to slow down so he wouldnt have to share his with you when you are all done with yours.

johny28

Hurt087 wrote: »

Went to the cinema last night with my boyfriend of 8 months, who I’m crazy about and vice versa (I believe)… So there we are sitting in the cinema waiting for the trailers to start and I’m munching away happily on my popcorn, when he suddenly turns to me and says “Jesus babe they’re not gonna go out of fashion, go easy there” …

I looked at him waiting for some sign that he was joking, cause he has been known to be a bit of a joker and is usually funny, but he looked totally serious.. I must add that we both had our own buckets of popcorn..

Now I don’t care if I was on the floor with the bucket on my head licking the salt from the inside of it (which I wasn’t) how dare he say something like that to me.. I wasn’t eating any faster than anyone else around me, and I’m not a big girl I’m a size 8-10 and take good care of myself.. I have had eating issues in the past (which am over now, TG) which he knows about, which makes it even harder for me to swallow (excuse the pun) I was so p1ssed off I nearly got up and left the cinema, it actually sickened me, I just saw it as a complete lack of regard for my feelings, I would never make a comment like that to anyone, never mind the person I’m supposed to be in love with… I didn’t want to touch the popcorn again after that, but as a matter of principal I made sure I ate every last bit.. I let it go and he stayed at mine but when I woke up this morning I just couldn’t get it out of my head, and I actually couldn’t wait for him to get up and leave for work..

Anyway, am I right to be upset or am I over reacting here? Has this ever happened to anyone else here? Has anyone any advice on how to approach this with him, as I am going to bring it up the next time I see him…

Thanks..

You are right to be upset.. what he did is just inconisderate and rude and not a gentleman act...

But then again people sometimes say mean things that they do not mean anything by it..And that is just my opinion and could be wrong

ve

As a guy in his late 20s, and in a long term relationship, I would never say anything like that to my girlfriend.

seamus wrote: »

It's easy for us men to cross the boundaries sometimes - there's stuff that we'd say to our mates, such as your bf's comments, that mean absolutely nothing. But said to a woman, she will overanalyse it and think there's something more in it.

It may be easy to cross boundaries, but that doesn't make it any more right or even OK. I think if the OP turned around to her boyfriend during sex and said "Jesus, you didn't need to cum so fast, I'm not going anywhere", I don't think he would be impressed. Considering it was generally known that the OP once had an eating disorder, I think it was a very insensitive comment. If it came out of his mouth without him thinking first, then it should have been followed by an apology.

On the otherhand, letting things slide, analysing and generally bottling feelings is only going to lead to fights. I'm not say that the OP's boyfriend is a complete muppet, I'm sure he's a decent guy at the best of times, but on that particular occasion I really think that was a pretty remarkable **** up.

LegacyUser

ve wrote: »

It may be easy to cross boundaries, but that doesn't make it any more right or even OK. I think if the OP turned around to her boyfriend during sex and said "Jesus, you didn't need to cum so fast, I'm not going anywhere", I don't think he would be impressed

Exactly, it was an insinuation of glutony or lack of self control on my part, this is the point I was making.. Thank you...

dellas1979

Well, why dont you put your pointy shoe on and give him a kick up the backside and make a comment like this to him some day?

Fellas tend to miss the point unless they are in the situation themselves.

Oryx

Hurt087 wrote: »

Exactly, it was an insinuation of glutony or lack of self control on my part, this is the point I was making.. Thank you...

Not trying to be harsh, but Im a long time with the one fella, and to be honest, if you dont develop a tougher skin, living with a man long term is going to leave you permanently hurt and frustrated. Everyone can say stuff thats inconsiderate. Everyone rows. You need to learn to voice it straight away when somethings wrong, and generally toughen up and not take things to heart so much.

aye

This is still going on?

OP build a bridge.
Sorry but you are being a bit over sensitive. he said an off-the-cuff remark, that was a little joke and bit of slagging, and most likely came out because you were in a relaxed atmosphere.
i doubt he even thought about the words coming out of his mouth.

ok he knew about your past, and he was a little insensitive i agree,
but at the same time you should know that he was just messing around.

if you get so upset by little things like that, then he is going to be walking on eggshells as such and wont relax around you.

by all means, if he says something again like it, tell him you dont find it if funny and why.
but do take it that he is messing around with you ,and nothing sinister was intended.

Dudess

Hurt087 wrote: »

it was an insinuation of glutony or lack of self control on my part, this is the point I was making

That's what you inferred. Maybe he just felt irritated by you eating so quickly (and possibly noisily?) And if that's the way he feels, well he can't help it - why should he apologise for how he feels? I get irritated by fast/noisy eaters. My mate says I crunch things too loudly - I think she's a bit out of order as you can't help making noise when you crunch things, but it doesn't upset me, I just lightheartedly tell her to shag off. Your boyfriend's comment does not mean he thinks you're greedy or destined to become fat. You need to learn to separate any negative comments to do with food/eating from your self-image.
I understand you've had issues with food (as have I) but you're not helping yourself to move on by reading so deeply into such a harmless remark.
You should be focusing on all the great things about him rather than allowing this tiny glitch to cancel them out... At this stage, I don't think you're being fair.