How to get over her

johny28

Hello All,

I was wondering if someone out there with some experience can help me out of this dilemma I'm in!

I started going out with this girl about four months ago and I felt in love with her badly. We had a lot of fights at the time and I never understood what was in her head and she treated me really badly despite that I was always there for her and you know with gifts and meals etc..and even when she was attacking me verbally over trivial matters I was not saying anything till she calms down then have a dialogue with her...

Supported her emotionally and took good care of her but she finally broke up with me again this time for good because she said she does not feel the same way about me though I'm nice and all that but she does feel that we are different which I agree with but I was prepared to work out our differences and communicated this with her at the time..

She felt I was suffocating her by being available to her all the time (I was not contacting her when it was inappropriate) but I was there to respond to her at any time she needed me..

Now I'm in a situation that I do not care about work and every other area of my life and the only thing I think about throughout the day is her and I cannot believe in such a short time she had this effect on me while I have being in other relation for a much longer time and never effected me to half this..

I have being trying to keep busy with other stuff after work to keep my mind off her but so far it has not helped and it seemed every day this gets worst and feel lonelier..

I'd really appreciate if some tell me how did they get over this type of situation..

Thanks

Jimmy Bottlehead

Focus on all the negative parts of the relationship - it will remove the nostalgia goggles that make it seem so magical and perfect.

Tigger

casual sex:

i'm not being flippant you need to get yerself a little more confidence a little more player a little less husband.

don't give so much of youself till yer sure the person deserves it.

gaz wac

Start meeting/dating new girls, always took my mind off it

MCMLXXXIII

rbd wrote: »

casual sex:

i'm not being flippant you need to get yerself a little more confidence a little more player a little less husband.

don't give so much of youself till yer sure the person deserves it.

^ + 1

Make sure they are good looking too...it will boost your confidence.

Tigger

MCMLXXXIII wrote: »

Make sure they are good looking too

lol

goes without saying no ugly chicks

johny28

Some friends mentioned that it might be better if I hold off meeting anyone new for a while ... because I’m still a bit hurt and fragile and they said it is better if I find myself again before going into another relation

Do you still think it is a good idea to go ahead and start dating someone else?

flyingdagger

I've read your post a number of times and main thing jumping out is a play of power: What you had together seems pretty one sided-you mention she said "she does not feel the same way about me though I'm nice and all that but she does feel that we are different which I agree with but I was prepared to work out our differences".You were prepared.From your post you seemed to jump through hoops.There is no working of differences in a situation like this.

Forget her and move on.It may take weeks,it may take months,heck it even takes some people years to do so.She has stated that she wants no more part (actions speak louder than words).

Delete her number.You mention you are keeping busy-keep doing this.It's not unusual to feel lonely,upset or out of sorts.Talk to someone you trust.You've been emotionally wounded so to speak,it'll take a while for it to heal.Cliché p'haps but it's true.Be kind to yourself

johny28

don't give so much of youself till yer sure the person deserves it.[/QUOTE] <-- A very true statement

That what I should had done...But she kept saying that she is in love with me and she wanted for this to work out and she could not live without me and all that sh** walked me into where I'm now!

flyingdagger

Imo i'd avoid dating or getting involved with anyone else.It's not fair to you or to them.Do your own thing till you've gained some more confidence and feel ready to meet new people.

TradLad

Nahh, none of the above will work. Theres no point in wall-papering over this relationship. You need to deal with it before moving on. Do focus on the negatives, do have casual sex (obviously with good looking girls) but bear in mind it wont answer the outstanding questions you have. You sound like a vulnerable and very trusting guy who needs to have more confidence in himself. Sounds to me this girl got "bored" with how unchallenging you were. When most of us would think this would be a good thing, giving them their way etc. etc. sometimes they like to be treated a little less delicately. Next time, bear in mind that Mr. Nice Guy is always good but show em theres a Mr. Not-So-Nice-Guy in there also!! Best of luck next time..

meditraitor

rbd wrote: »

lol

goes without saying no ugly chicks

There no such thing as an ugly chick........ :cool:

Topic= Only time will heal this problem ourlad. By Christmas you will be grand

MCMLXXXIII

Here's the thing...it was only 4 months. If it had been years, or you were almost close to marriage, then yeah - take some time. But 4 months? Get out there and have fun. When you find the right person, you will be ready to marry - otherwise I wouldn't worry about anything besides having fun being myself.

Tigger

TradLad wrote: »

Nahh, none of the above will work. Theres no point in wall-papering over this relationship. You need to deal with it before moving on. Do focus on the negatives, do have casual sex (obviously with good looking girls) but bear in mind it wont answer the outstanding questions you have. You sound like a vulnerable and very trusting guy who needs to have more confidence in himself. Sounds to me this girl got "bored" with how unchallenging you were. When most of us would think this would be a good thing, giving them their way etc. etc. sometimes they like to be treated a little less delicately. Next time, bear in mind that Mr. Nice Guy is always good but show em theres a Mr. Not-So-Nice-Guy in there also!! Best of luck next time..

diane in trainspotting:
The truth is that you're a quiet sensitive type but, if I'm prepared to take a chance, I might just get to know the inner you: witty, adventurous, passionate, loving, loyal. Taxi! A little bit crazy, a little bit bad. But hey - don't us girls just love that?

as i said get in touchith your innr player

women are impressed by confidence (some fellas think its by "bad" men but its not its confident men) and inner strength. So practisew to be confident and innerly strong till you are good at it then let the right girl/girls meet the softer you once they've earned it

there's no wallpapreing its always now she was a mixed up person who enjoyed the attention that you gave her and the strength you gave her allowed her to decide she could get a more challenging less giving fella .

btw she'll be back the ones that leave becaus they thought you were too nice and giving are always back after some over confident knuckle head treats them with the distain that'll always come their way and when she does come back be strong be brave but don't go there

valleyoftheunos

Get ready for the Judgement...

Move on guy, dont meet her, dont try and stay friends, start seeing someone else, straight away.

You were only together 4 months but already you were having huge fights and she was verbally abusing you? Thats not right, let me guess she'd start a fight and at the end of it you'd be apologising for it? She doesnt want a relationship or a boyfriend she wants someone who she can manipulate and make soak up all her crap, dont be that person. She treats people like that because she doesnt value them.

She probably has a new best friend every 6 to 12 months and is constantly moving because she regularly falls out with her flat mates am I right?

If all of that is the case she needs to catch herself on and behave like a grown up, something she is probably not capable of. I don't know what age everybody is so perhaps its understandable that she isn't totally mature but thats still no reason to justify this to yourself. You have a right to expect more from your Girlfriend and likewise a Girlfriend who treats you well can expect the same from you. Thats the basis of any solid relationship.

Get away from this girl, untill she truly sees that her behaviour isn't acceptable she'll never change and as long as people like you continue putting up with it or giving her second chances she'll never see it.

Go out find yourself someone nice, smart and knows a good thing when she sees it who really values you and you'll wonder what youever saw in this girl.

johny28

valleyoftheunos wrote: »

Get ready for the Judgement...

Move on guy, dont meet her, dont try and stay friends, start seeing someone else, straight away.

You were only together 4 months but already you were having huge fights and she was verbally abusing you? Thats not right, let me guess she'd start a fight and at the end of it you'd be apologising for it? She doesnt want a relationship or a boyfriend she wants someone who she can manipulate and make soak up all her crap, dont be that person. She treats people like that because she doesnt value them.

She probably has a new best friend every 6 to 12 months and is constantly moving because she regularly falls out with her flat mates am I right?

If all of that is the case she needs to catch herself on and behave like a grown up, something she is probably not capable of. I don't know what age everybody is so perhaps its understandable that she isn't totally mature but thats still no reason to justify this to yourself. You have a right to expect more from your Girlfriend and likewise a Girlfriend who treats you well can expect the same from you. Thats the basis of any solid relationship.

Get away from this girl, untill she truly sees that her behaviour isn't acceptable she'll never change and as long as people like you continue putting up with it or giving her second chances she'll never see it.

Go out find yourself someone nice, smart and knows a good thing when she sees it who really values you and you'll wonder what youever saw in this girl.

I'll try to answer your questions:
1- I was a very happy/strong person till I met her
2-I know she is not the right person and she did not appreciate me yet I keep thinking off her and want to be back with her
3- She said it herself that she knows she will not meet someone as good as me(Treat her and care for her as much as I did) yet she decided to breakup with me
4- In terms of her friends, she has some who they keep in touch on daily/weekly basis and she gets along with them OK but she used to bitch about them to me and she said that I was not integrating well with her friends and she could not have this ongoing anymore as her friends were very important..And I only met her friends twice!
5-We both are 29 years of age
6- I cannot believe it was only 3-4 months and it caused me all this..
7- Yes, you are right she used to start the fights and I was ending up apologizing for my shortcoming if any..

Thanks

LegacyUser

Hey mate, are you sure we didnt go out with the same girl??

I am currently going through the same as you, same length of relationship too!! ..and age!

Forget about her! I know its hard, dont contact her. I'm trying not to do all that with my ex.

I was the one who wanted the relationship
She was the one who wanted the casual thing (with others)

She was so sly about the break up too. Making up silly excuses when the ralationship was dying, anything from 'I'm depressed' to 'I've gone off sex'!!

valleyoftheunos

johny28 wrote: »

3- She said it herself that she knows she will not meet someone as good as me(Treat her and care for her as much as I did) yet she decided to breakup with me

She simply doesn't have feelings for you although she may wish she does. She'll never feel that way about you. She cant be happy with you because you are so good to her, it reminds her of all the shortcomings in the way she treats you.

johny28 wrote: »

5-We both are 29 years of age
Thanks

She's 29 but behaving like a 16 year old. She should know better by now and you should value yourself enough to demand better. Finish with this girl, totally. Go out have some fun and find a girl who is as good to you as you are to her.

Accept no less.

johny28

me too!!! wrote: »

Hey mate, are you sure we didnt go out with the same girl??

I am currently going through the same as you, same length of relationship too!! ..and age!

Forget about her! I know its hard, dont contact her. I'm trying not to do all that with my ex.

I was the one who wanted the relationship
She was the one who wanted the casual thing (with others)

She was so sly about the break up too. Making up silly excuses when the ralationship was dying, anything from 'I'm depressed' to 'I've gone off sex'!!

May be we were going out with the same girl ..LOL

Was yours by any chance insecure and hyper sensitive?

mountain

op,

there can be a feeling of trying "to save the girl" when dating someone like her,
"i can help her" "she needs me". This probably caused you to feel in someway responsible for her as well. You may miss her a lot now, but in a few months you will look back and think, - what did i put up with all that for,

its like banging your head against a brick wall, its feels great when you stop.

Liam Byrne

That what I should had done...But she kept saying that she is in love with me and she wanted for this to work out and she could not live without me and all that sh** walked me into where I'm now!

Been [at least most of the way] there, bud. WALK AWAY.

Someone can ALWAYS live without someone else; someone can easily say things like "I want this to work", without backing that up with actions. It's a sign that someone is - at best - a bit of a drama queen, TBH.

Y'see, we're all slightly cynical at heart, and hate to come across as needy, (or to have another half who is) but it seems like there are people out there who want something until they are sure they have it, after which it loses its appeal - or maybe they want it on a subconscious level, I dunno - but either way their actions make the other person feel like crap.

My last disaster was just that; some things she said and did made me think it was more serious than it was; I believed them [mod's, don't ban anyone who calls me a dumb-ass for that one] and as a result I said things I'd never have said after a short "relationship", and then all of a sudden I was accused of being what I would never, ever be accused of - too serious after a few months!!!! :P

Not sure if your situation is the exact same [god love you if it is] but don't believe everything you hear......it's like a girlie version of the "Of course I love you" from a guy who wants a shag.....

Liam Byrne

me too!!! wrote: »

Hey mate, are you sure we didnt go out with the same girl??

I am currently going through the same as you, same length of relationship too!! ..and age!

Weird, I was just thinking the same thing after reading that post!!!!

P.S. Go find a track from Suzy Bogguss called "Save Yourself" (yeah, I know it's a country track, but the lyrics are on the ball)...

BTW, you do get over this crap, start thinking "what was I thinking, putting up with that behaviour", and then you head out with friends or maybe even meet someone new where you're not second-guessing or on a knife-edge and you definitely realise that what you somehow once viewed as "great" was nothing of the sort.

johny28

Liam Byrne wrote: »

Been [at least most of the way] there, bud. WALK AWAY.

Someone can ALWAYS live without someone else; someone can easily say things like "I want this to work", without backing that up with actions. It's a sign that someone is - at best - a bit of a drama queen, TBH.

Y'see, we're all slightly cynical at heart, and hate to come across as needy, (or to have another half who is) but it seems like there are people out there who want something until they are sure they have it, after which it loses its appeal - or maybe they want it on a subconscious level, I dunno - but either way their actions make the other person feel like crap.

My last disaster was just that; some things she said and did made me think it was more serious than it was; I believed them [mod's, don't ban anyone who calls me a dumb-ass for that one] and as a result I said things I'd never have said after a short "relationship", and then all of a sudden I was accused of being what I would never, ever be accused of - too serious after a few months!!!! :P

Not sure if your situation is the exact same [god love you if it is] but don't believe everything you hear......it's like a girlie version of the "Of course I love you" from a guy who wants a shag.....

It was a similar situation were at one stage(At start of the relation) she told me that she said it was getting too serious too soon and she wanted fun but then she said she wanted me to take this seriously and when I did she felt it was too "Intense"!and she broke up me with me for good what I still have not undersood is that how a relaiton suppose to be serious and to be rosey and everything to go smoothly in it!

BTW, when did you finish with yours, and how long did it take you to get over her?

Redpunto

If ya can go away on a 2 week holiday with some good mates. Getting out of the country would do ya a world of good and let you look on things "outside of the box".

johny28

Redpunto wrote: »

If ya can go away on a 2 week holiday with some good mates. Getting out of the country would do ya a world of good and let you look on things "outside of the box".

I'll be going away for few days in two weeks time ... So hopefully that will help..
thanks

Liam Byrne

johny28 wrote: »

It was a similar situation were at one stage(At start of the relation) she told me that she said it was getting too serious too soon and she wanted fun

Well that bit's different; initially I nearly backed out because she was adamant that she didn't just want a casual thing......but then I decided that I did want it....

but then she said she wanted me to take this seriously and when I did she felt it was too "Intense"!

Ditto on that last bit.

and she broke up me with me for good. BTW, when did you finish with yours, and how long did it take you to get over her?

That's the gas thing; I didn't, but she convinced herself that I did. Long, confusing and headwrecking story, but fact is - whether she realised it or not - she wanted it off. I didn't, but I couldn't cope with some of the behaviour (and TBH, no-one should have to)....some fabulous bits - best ever - but far too many WTF moments to compensate.

It took about 3 months to get over what was basically a 2-month thing that got dragged out to 3.....bad odds, and I finally copped myself on and saw it for what it was......despite some really cool bits, it was a mistake (for both of us) that nearly dragged me down.

Was almost stunned when I spotted that ye'd been together since Christmas....the timing's about right and all....maybe I got the boot because of you, mate! :eek:

Nevyn

Typedef her sister/mother.

LegacyUser

hey me here again..

The more i read this thread, my story sounds so, so familiar to Liam Byrne and johny 28

It's like this lads, being always there and 'nice' (not in a desperate, pussy way) but just being normal and not a bastard, does not at all get you anywhere with these bad girls. My ex wrecked my head so much with her very sudden hot and cold moments. I felt guilty all the time. Blamed it all on me on why she felt like this. We went on holidays towords the end of the relationship and she rejected my kisses, hand holding, general affection and sexual advances (wasn't pressurising her or anything!!). She even called me a creep and a perv when I used to randomly compliment her on her looks and body (yes, she was serious!!)!!! Like I said in an earlier post, apparently she was 'depressed' and thats why she acted like this, yet after the holiday she wanted eveything to work out and us to get back to normal. She didnt even have the balls to be truthful and say she simply wasnt interested anymore - she had to lie and drag it out in arguments and bringing me down in the process. Shortly after the holiday, it didnt get back to normal and it ended very messy.

Like Liam said if you have doubts NEVER BELIEVE ANYTHING girls say!!

These days girls are getting more like the bad boys that they really want to be with. Next time i'll be prepared for this, but I wont change. Nice, genuine girls who APPRECIATE a genuine guy are hard to find.

Liam Byrne

me too!! wrote: »

Like Liam said if you have doubts NEVER BELIEVE ANYTHING girls say!!

I don't think I QUITE said that, but it did kinda apply in my case.....a little like tribunal issues, if there are conflicting words, and conflicting actions, you gotta question what the feck is going on....

I still think with that ex that there is a fantastic girl in there somewhere; I did see flashes of it, and in a way that deluded me into thinking it was indeed something special - that I was privileged to get to see that side of her.

Yup, it's in there somewhere, but it'll take someone other than me to get it to shine.

BlackMamba

Concentrate on yourself for a while. Do what you love doing- sports, going out with friends etc. Build up your confidence before you venture onto the dating scene again.
And as for the casual sex thing, I agree.....no ugly chicks.

johny28

Liam Byrne wrote: »

Well that bit's different; initially I nearly backed out because she was adamant that she didn't just want a casual thing......but then I decided that I did want it....

Ditto on that last bit.



That's the gas thing; I didn't, but she convinced herself that I did. Long, confusing and headwrecking story, but fact is - whether she realised it or not - she wanted it off. I didn't, but I couldn't cope with some of the behaviour (and TBH, no-one should have to)....some fabulous bits - best ever - but far too many WTF moments to compensate.

It took about 3 months to get over what was basically a 2-month thing that got dragged out to 3.....bad odds, and I finally copped myself on and saw it for what it was......despite some really cool bits, it was a mistake (for both of us) that nearly dragged me down.

Was almost stunned when I spotted that ye'd been together since Christmas....the timing's about right and all....maybe I got the boot because of you, mate! :eek:

Let me guess the fabulos bits were her sense of humer and strong personality or was it something else?

did she have a hot temper?

johny28

Thaedydal wrote: »

Typedef her sister/mother.

what do you mean?

LegacyUser

This thread has us guys asking "What do women want?"!!

Can't keep them happy at all..Then they complain about us!!

johny28

me too!! wrote: »

This thread has us guys asking "What do women want?"!!

Can't keep them happy at all..Then they complain about us!!

I think and this is just my opinion, most of women are straight forward and we can tell what is that they want of us or what is that they would like to see in a man..

My experience and perhaps yours were a bit exceptional and the same with men there are men who don't know what they want ... This is more an individual based issue rather than a gender...

All what I can say here, I still love that girl and I'm not sure if I'd be able to love any other woman to this degree!

But I'd like to know how you getting on with your recovery process?

Liam Byrne

johny28 wrote: »

All what I can say here, I still love that girl and I'm not sure if I'd be able to love any other woman to this degree!

Remember thinking the same.....but here's the main thing you need to focus on......

1) You might "love" to have a Ferrari, but could you [financially] afford it ?

Likewise, can you emotionally afford this ? Do you (and, ironically, she) deserve to be happier ? Whatever about her decision to not let herself or whatever, you can decide that you deserve better - or at least what suits you better. If there's a trade-off, which there appears to be, do you really want to put being with her ahead of your overall happiness ?

2) There's ALWAYS an element of wanting what you can't have / achieve.....if she came running and was all for making it work, would you then start worrying whether she'd treat you badly for the rest of your lives ?

3) Can you trust her, and therefore have a proper relationship where you know she respects you and you're not worried every time she goes out that she may be likely to feck off with someone else ?

4) ACID TEST : If she arrived on your doorstep and said she was pregnant, so that there would be a GUARANTEED link for the rest of your lives, how would you feel ?

Asking those 4 questions helped me; I hope I'm not superimposing what I went through onto your issue, but there are similarities and those 4 questions are the ones that got me to come out the other side.....

johny28

Liam Byrne wrote: »

Remember thinking the same.....but here's the main thing you need to focus on......

1) You might "love" to have a Ferrari, but could you [financially] afford it ?

Likewise, can you emotionally afford this ? Do you (and, ironically, she) deserve to be happier ? Whatever about her decision to not let herself or whatever, you can decide that you deserve better - or at least what suits you better. If there's a trade-off, which there appears to be, do you really want to put being with her ahead of your overall happiness ?



2) There's ALWAYS an element of wanting what you can't have / achieve.....if she came running and was all for making it work, would you then start worrying whether she'd treat you badly for the rest of your lives ?

3) Can you trust her, and therefore have a proper relationship where you know she respects you and you're not worried every time she goes out that she may be likely to feck off with someone else ?

4) ACID TEST : If she arrived on your doorstep and said she was pregnant, so that there would be a GUARANTEED link for the rest of your lives, how would you feel ?

Asking those 4 questions helped me; I hope I'm not superimposing what I went through onto your issue, but there are similarities and those 4 questions are the ones that got me to come out the other side.....

Those are all important questions and I do not know if I'd be sticking to the following answers in the next hour as my foundation was shaken by her so strongly! The only thing I know is that I find it diffuclt to stay apart from her!

I'll see if I can answer these questions:
1-Can I afford the emotional hassle? I keep telling myself if I did understand her she might no had behaved the way she did

2-There is that element too but it is only small part of me.

3-I don't know if I can but I have not seen anything(Facts, Evidence) that made me not to trust her however I was not sure about her at times...

4-Well, in crisis like that I have to take reponsibilities But the whole thing would be wrong to happen due to obvious reasons

And there is my problem overcoming her and forgetting her seems like a daunting task

LegacyUser

Actions always speak louder than words. Despite whatever she said, it didn't sound like she tried to make the relationship work. Chalk it up to experience and forget her.

Liam Byrne

johny28 wrote: »

1-Can I afford the emotional hassle? I keep telling myself if I did understand her she might no had behaved the way she did
2-There is that element too but it is only small part of me.
3-I don't know if I can but I have not seen anything(Facts, Evidence) that made me not to trust her however I was not sure about her at times...
4-Well, in crisis like that I have to take reponsibilities But the whole thing would be wrong to happen due to obvious reasons

Forgive me if I'm being harsh with the following, Johny - it's for a reason and if it helps, it means that it's worked; can I snip out some of what you've said ?

1. You don't understand her; and even if you did she might still have behaved as she did ? That's the problem with deluding ourselves with the word "might not".....there's always an equivalent "might"

2. You've admitted that's a factor, however small

3. You were not sure of her at times

4. The whole thing would be wrong; i.e. it wouldn't be an OK or half-decent relationship that, if that happened, ye could work together to make it work

I know you could let fly at me for being picky, and I am (so apologies if it seems unfair/harsh) but the above are all your own words.

And while I'm no expert, I've been there, and my heart goes out to you because no matter what we say the above penny has to drop some time, but it'll be in your own time......it took 3 months for it to drop for me.

So it might take a while mate, but it will happen.

BraziliaNZ

I always found the best way to treat women was thusly:
Once you manage to get them out on a date or two and have them interested by your bedazzling charms and bedroom moves, just sit back and let them do all the work. If they really like you they will text you first, they will call you first, they will arrange to meet you, they will come up with ideas so they can spend time with you, etc. etc.
Keep this going for 6 months or so, and after that you'll have them so hooked they are yours to do with as you please. Never fails.

Liam Byrne

BraziliaNZ wrote: »

I always found the best way to treat women was thusly:
Once you manage to get them out on a date or two and have them interested by your bedazzling charms and bedroom moves, just sit back and let them do all the work. If they really like you they will text you first, they will call you first, they will arrange to meet you, they will come up with ideas so they can spend time with you, etc. etc.
Keep this going for 6 months or so, and after that you'll have them so hooked they are yours to do with as you please. Never fails.

In other words, games.....so what if you're a decent guy who doesn't want the girl to make an idiot of herself ?

Sorry, but the "yours to do with as you please" is pretty pathetic.

Why would you want to be with someone that you don't respect ? And why would you act like that if you respected them.

Games just lead to headwreck and hassle; there's always a "proceed with caution" in getting to know someone new, but why put obstacles in the way ? If it's gonna be worthwhile, you've got to respect each other for who you both are, not for how you appeared to be while you were playing games...

johny28

Liam, may be you are right ...

I made my final attempt to get back with her and waiting on her response!

If you ask me why did I do this... Because I'm so much into her!

Thanks

Liam Byrne

Best of luck, johny, genuinely......but I am going to be a complete p***k and constantly remind you for the next 6 months that you said "final attempt" in that last post!!!!

May the force be with you.....

johny28

Liam Byrne wrote: »

Best of luck, johny, genuinely......but I am going to be a complete p***k and constantly remind you for the next 6 months that you said "final attempt" in that last post!!!!

May the force be with you.....

Defo it was the final attempt...

I have to start gather my shattered pride from here regardless of her reponse..

Thanks once again

Liam Byrne

johny28 wrote: »

I have to start gather my shattered pride from here regardless of her reponse..

Been there, mate (well, I'd've said self-confidence and self-respect rather than pride, as such, but I presume we're talking about roughly the same thing).

But it can be done. Like alcoholism, the first step is realising "this is bad for me - I need out".

johny28

Liam, I wonder if it is only you and I who had this expereince or are there many other guys with the same expereince? What do you think?

Liam Byrne

I don't think we're unique, Johny - it's just not "cool" to admit it, so most people don't.

Also (and I want to emphasise something in relation to all of the above posts) it's not the easiest thing to talk about without coming across as bitter; in my case, the girl in question is, indeed, one-in-a-million and will be some catch if she manages to put her past behind her and stop pre-empting a breakup (and therefore making it happen by ruining a perfectly good relationship). But she wasn't going to do that with me.

Y'see, that's the thing; when things go tits-up it's easy to say "feck that b***h" - and in some ways I nearly did.....but it's a fine balance; if someone's been treated like crap in past relationships and expects more of the same, then they're going to be wary; but there's also a grey area between being wary and wanting to be a victim (as in "look, it happened to me AGAIN, so I must be ****e at this").

In addition, I might be being completely naieve and she might have gotten what was - in her eyes - a "better offer", and may even have started something else before she got rid of me. I don't know.

So when you add all of that up (not wanting to seem naieve or an idiot) then not a lot of people will talk about it, or if they do it's in a bitter or defensive "feck her" mode, because you've made the effort and gotten **** for thanks.

I think it's only when you've REALLY loved someone and tried to make it work, and then realised that it's likely to be a disaster for both of ye, that you can see both sides and still come out seeing a bigger pattern and caring in some way for someone without the hangover of wanting something to re-ignite when it ain't going to, because if it did it would lead to two nice people dragging each other down.

Ironically, loving someone like that would seem to be ideal - that you could take on any problem and overcome it - but sometimes it leads to being blinkered and not realising that it just ain't gonna make it.

johny28

Liam Byrne wrote: »

(as in "look, it happened to me AGAIN, so I must be ****e at this").

So, did this happen to you with the new girl you did meet or did I misunderstand?

[/quote]
In addition, I might be being completely naieve and she might have gotten what was - in her eyes - a "better offer", and may even have started something else before she got rid of me. I don't know.[/quote]

That is one of the things that I wonder about at times!

[/quote]
So when you add all of that up (not wanting to seem naieve or an idiot) then not a lot of people will talk about it, or if they do it's in a bitter or defensive "feck her" mode, because you've made the effort and gotten **** for thanks.

I think it's only when you've REALLY loved someone and tried to make it work, and then realised that it's likely to be a disaster for both of ye, that you can see both sides and still come out seeing a bigger pattern and caring in some way for someone without the hangover of wanting something to re-ignite when it ain't going to, because if it did it would lead to two nice people dragging each other down.

Ironically, loving someone like that would seem to be ideal - that you could take on any problem and overcome it - but sometimes it leads to being blinkered and not realising that it just ain't gonna make it.[/quote]

Despite, the fact I wanted to to care of her and all her ***t she is thinking about it!!
So, what does it take to meet a normal, decent and nice person?

RedXIV

just to reiterate there johny28 and Liam, you AREN'T the only ones to go through this, I too fell for the "too Nice for me" kind of girl.

But i can hand on heart say the best hing i did after was go straight back into the dating game. admittidly it was easier for me, i was dropped just before i went back into college and when i moved into my new house for college, there were 3 rooms. i had one, my friend had another and the third was looked after by the landlord. and he got a MODEL! she was great craic, stunning girl and, to this day i don't know why, she took a shine to me. So a measly 2 weeks after it ended, i was back in relationship therapy with a better model! ever since (needless to say, i screwed that up too ), i always believed that best way to get over a girl is get under another

Liam Byrne

johny28 wrote: »

So, did this happen to you with the new girl you did meet or did I misunderstand?

Misunderstand (maybe my fault).....what I meant was that if a girl (or indeed, a guy) sabotages something because of past experiences it gives them an excuse to get into a "victim" mentality of "why does this always happen to me"......essentially, it may only have happened once, and because of that someone won't accept another relationship and screws that up and convinces themselves that they were right......rinse and repeat....

That is one of the things that I wonder about at times!

Don't. It'll wreck your head. It's an easy trap to fall in to, though, and here's why: a few people I spoke to were convinced that this is the case, and if there was any shred of actual proof that it were true it would make it easy to hate her and therefore easier to move on. But while there was suspicion / doubt / lack of trust, there's no tangible reason to think this was the case, so I'm not gonna slander someone by focussing on it. If I ever find out that it was the case, then my "reasonableness" will end VERY quickly and I'll damn well make sure that everyone finds out, but it may well just have been odd behavoiur, and I'll leave it at that and move on. I don't like being taken for a ride, but I'd prefer to be viewed as naieve than be viewed as someone who slings accusations...

Despite, the fact I wanted to to care of her and all her ***t she is thinking about it!!

You can't (and really, don't want to) "take care" of someone like that; a relationship is about mutual respect and being there for / taking care of each other on occasions, not ALL THE TIME. Get your own self-respect and confidence back and you'll realise that.

So, what does it take to meet a normal, decent and nice person?

Don't have a "one size fix all" answer, but I kinda have an opportunity to find out, almost as soon as I put the past behind me! Will keep ya posted!

RedXIV wrote:

needless to say, i screwed that up too

Oi!! That's precisely the kind of negative and victim thinking that we were talking about.....it may not be your fault (it may, and I don't know ya) but equally it may not.

RedXIV

Liam Byrne wrote: »

Oi!! That's precisely the kind of negative and victim thinking that we were talking about.....it may not be your fault (it may, and I don't know ya) but equally it may not.

lol cheers for the vote of confidence, i say screwed it up but it just didn't work out, not to mention the fact she left college and i didn't see her anymore. But it was all a learning curve, and believe me, NO ONE who knows me in person would refer to me as the victim in a relationship anymore. I finally figured out what i want and it's made relationships ten times easier

johny28

Very true Liam..