How to get over her

johny28

Hello All,

I was wondering if someone out there with some experience can help me out of this dilemma I'm in!

I started going out with this girl about four months ago and I felt in love with her badly. We had a lot of fights at the time and I never understood what was in her head and she treated me really badly despite that I was always there for her and you know with gifts and meals etc..and even when she was attacking me verbally over trivial matters I was not saying anything till she calms down then have a dialogue with her...

Supported her emotionally and took good care of her but she finally broke up with me again this time for good because she said she does not feel the same way about me though I'm nice and all that but she does feel that we are different which I agree with but I was prepared to work out our differences and communicated this with her at the time..

She felt I was suffocating her by being available to her all the time (I was not contacting her when it was inappropriate) but I was there to respond to her at any time she needed me..

Now I'm in a situation that I do not care about work and every other area of my life and the only thing I think about throughout the day is her and I cannot believe in such a short time she had this effect on me while I have being in other relation for a much longer time and never effected me to half this..

I have being trying to keep busy with other stuff after work to keep my mind off her but so far it has not helped and it seemed every day this gets worst and feel lonelier..

I'd really appreciate if some tell me how did they get over this type of situation..

Thanks

Jimmy Bottlehead

Focus on all the negative parts of the relationship - it will remove the nostalgia goggles that make it seem so magical and perfect.

Tigger

casual sex:

i'm not being flippant you need to get yerself a little more confidence a little more player a little less husband.

don't give so much of youself till yer sure the person deserves it.

gaz wac

Start meeting/dating new girls, always took my mind off it

MCMLXXXIII

rbd wrote: »

casual sex:

i'm not being flippant you need to get yerself a little more confidence a little more player a little less husband.

don't give so much of youself till yer sure the person deserves it.

^ + 1

Make sure they are good looking too...it will boost your confidence.

Tigger

MCMLXXXIII wrote: »

Make sure they are good looking too

lol

goes without saying no ugly chicks

johny28

Some friends mentioned that it might be better if I hold off meeting anyone new for a while ... because I’m still a bit hurt and fragile and they said it is better if I find myself again before going into another relation

Do you still think it is a good idea to go ahead and start dating someone else?

flyingdagger

I've read your post a number of times and main thing jumping out is a play of power: What you had together seems pretty one sided-you mention she said "she does not feel the same way about me though I'm nice and all that but she does feel that we are different which I agree with but I was prepared to work out our differences".You were prepared.From your post you seemed to jump through hoops.There is no working of differences in a situation like this.

Forget her and move on.It may take weeks,it may take months,heck it even takes some people years to do so.She has stated that she wants no more part (actions speak louder than words).

Delete her number.You mention you are keeping busy-keep doing this.It's not unusual to feel lonely,upset or out of sorts.Talk to someone you trust.You've been emotionally wounded so to speak,it'll take a while for it to heal.Cliché p'haps but it's true.Be kind to yourself

johny28

don't give so much of youself till yer sure the person deserves it.[/QUOTE] <-- A very true statement

That what I should had done...But she kept saying that she is in love with me and she wanted for this to work out and she could not live without me and all that sh** walked me into where I'm now!

flyingdagger

Imo i'd avoid dating or getting involved with anyone else.It's not fair to you or to them.Do your own thing till you've gained some more confidence and feel ready to meet new people.

TradLad

Nahh, none of the above will work. Theres no point in wall-papering over this relationship. You need to deal with it before moving on. Do focus on the negatives, do have casual sex (obviously with good looking girls) but bear in mind it wont answer the outstanding questions you have. You sound like a vulnerable and very trusting guy who needs to have more confidence in himself. Sounds to me this girl got "bored" with how unchallenging you were. When most of us would think this would be a good thing, giving them their way etc. etc. sometimes they like to be treated a little less delicately. Next time, bear in mind that Mr. Nice Guy is always good but show em theres a Mr. Not-So-Nice-Guy in there also!! Best of luck next time..

meditraitor

rbd wrote: »

lol

goes without saying no ugly chicks

There no such thing as an ugly chick........ :cool:

Topic= Only time will heal this problem ourlad. By Christmas you will be grand

MCMLXXXIII

Here's the thing...it was only 4 months. If it had been years, or you were almost close to marriage, then yeah - take some time. But 4 months? Get out there and have fun. When you find the right person, you will be ready to marry - otherwise I wouldn't worry about anything besides having fun being myself.

Tigger

TradLad wrote: »

Nahh, none of the above will work. Theres no point in wall-papering over this relationship. You need to deal with it before moving on. Do focus on the negatives, do have casual sex (obviously with good looking girls) but bear in mind it wont answer the outstanding questions you have. You sound like a vulnerable and very trusting guy who needs to have more confidence in himself. Sounds to me this girl got "bored" with how unchallenging you were. When most of us would think this would be a good thing, giving them their way etc. etc. sometimes they like to be treated a little less delicately. Next time, bear in mind that Mr. Nice Guy is always good but show em theres a Mr. Not-So-Nice-Guy in there also!! Best of luck next time..

diane in trainspotting:
The truth is that you're a quiet sensitive type but, if I'm prepared to take a chance, I might just get to know the inner you: witty, adventurous, passionate, loving, loyal. Taxi! A little bit crazy, a little bit bad. But hey - don't us girls just love that?

as i said get in touchith your innr player

women are impressed by confidence (some fellas think its by "bad" men but its not its confident men) and inner strength. So practisew to be confident and innerly strong till you are good at it then let the right girl/girls meet the softer you once they've earned it

there's no wallpapreing its always now she was a mixed up person who enjoyed the attention that you gave her and the strength you gave her allowed her to decide she could get a more challenging less giving fella .

btw she'll be back the ones that leave becaus they thought you were too nice and giving are always back after some over confident knuckle head treats them with the distain that'll always come their way and when she does come back be strong be brave but don't go there

valleyoftheunos

Get ready for the Judgement...

Move on guy, dont meet her, dont try and stay friends, start seeing someone else, straight away.

You were only together 4 months but already you were having huge fights and she was verbally abusing you? Thats not right, let me guess she'd start a fight and at the end of it you'd be apologising for it? She doesnt want a relationship or a boyfriend she wants someone who she can manipulate and make soak up all her crap, dont be that person. She treats people like that because she doesnt value them.

She probably has a new best friend every 6 to 12 months and is constantly moving because she regularly falls out with her flat mates am I right?

If all of that is the case she needs to catch herself on and behave like a grown up, something she is probably not capable of. I don't know what age everybody is so perhaps its understandable that she isn't totally mature but thats still no reason to justify this to yourself. You have a right to expect more from your Girlfriend and likewise a Girlfriend who treats you well can expect the same from you. Thats the basis of any solid relationship.

Get away from this girl, untill she truly sees that her behaviour isn't acceptable she'll never change and as long as people like you continue putting up with it or giving her second chances she'll never see it.

Go out find yourself someone nice, smart and knows a good thing when she sees it who really values you and you'll wonder what youever saw in this girl.

johny28

valleyoftheunos wrote: »

Get ready for the Judgement...

Move on guy, dont meet her, dont try and stay friends, start seeing someone else, straight away.

You were only together 4 months but already you were having huge fights and she was verbally abusing you? Thats not right, let me guess she'd start a fight and at the end of it you'd be apologising for it? She doesnt want a relationship or a boyfriend she wants someone who she can manipulate and make soak up all her crap, dont be that person. She treats people like that because she doesnt value them.

She probably has a new best friend every 6 to 12 months and is constantly moving because she regularly falls out with her flat mates am I right?

If all of that is the case she needs to catch herself on and behave like a grown up, something she is probably not capable of. I don't know what age everybody is so perhaps its understandable that she isn't totally mature but thats still no reason to justify this to yourself. You have a right to expect more from your Girlfriend and likewise a Girlfriend who treats you well can expect the same from you. Thats the basis of any solid relationship.

Get away from this girl, untill she truly sees that her behaviour isn't acceptable she'll never change and as long as people like you continue putting up with it or giving her second chances she'll never see it.

Go out find yourself someone nice, smart and knows a good thing when she sees it who really values you and you'll wonder what youever saw in this girl.

I'll try to answer your questions:
1- I was a very happy/strong person till I met her
2-I know she is not the right person and she did not appreciate me yet I keep thinking off her and want to be back with her
3- She said it herself that she knows she will not meet someone as good as me(Treat her and care for her as much as I did) yet she decided to breakup with me
4- In terms of her friends, she has some who they keep in touch on daily/weekly basis and she gets along with them OK but she used to bitch about them to me and she said that I was not integrating well with her friends and she could not have this ongoing anymore as her friends were very important..And I only met her friends twice!
5-We both are 29 years of age
6- I cannot believe it was only 3-4 months and it caused me all this..
7- Yes, you are right she used to start the fights and I was ending up apologizing for my shortcoming if any..

Thanks

LegacyUser

Hey mate, are you sure we didnt go out with the same girl??

I am currently going through the same as you, same length of relationship too!! ..and age!

Forget about her! I know its hard, dont contact her. I'm trying not to do all that with my ex.

I was the one who wanted the relationship
She was the one who wanted the casual thing (with others)

She was so sly about the break up too. Making up silly excuses when the ralationship was dying, anything from 'I'm depressed' to 'I've gone off sex'!!

valleyoftheunos

johny28 wrote: »

3- She said it herself that she knows she will not meet someone as good as me(Treat her and care for her as much as I did) yet she decided to breakup with me

She simply doesn't have feelings for you although she may wish she does. She'll never feel that way about you. She cant be happy with you because you are so good to her, it reminds her of all the shortcomings in the way she treats you.

johny28 wrote: »

5-We both are 29 years of age
Thanks

She's 29 but behaving like a 16 year old. She should know better by now and you should value yourself enough to demand better. Finish with this girl, totally. Go out have some fun and find a girl who is as good to you as you are to her.

Accept no less.

johny28

me too!!! wrote: »

Hey mate, are you sure we didnt go out with the same girl??

I am currently going through the same as you, same length of relationship too!! ..and age!

Forget about her! I know its hard, dont contact her. I'm trying not to do all that with my ex.

I was the one who wanted the relationship
She was the one who wanted the casual thing (with others)

She was so sly about the break up too. Making up silly excuses when the ralationship was dying, anything from 'I'm depressed' to 'I've gone off sex'!!

May be we were going out with the same girl ..LOL

Was yours by any chance insecure and hyper sensitive?

mountain

op,

there can be a feeling of trying "to save the girl" when dating someone like her,
"i can help her" "she needs me". This probably caused you to feel in someway responsible for her as well. You may miss her a lot now, but in a few months you will look back and think, - what did i put up with all that for,

its like banging your head against a brick wall, its feels great when you stop.

Liam Byrne

That what I should had done...But she kept saying that she is in love with me and she wanted for this to work out and she could not live without me and all that sh** walked me into where I'm now!

Been [at least most of the way] there, bud. WALK AWAY.

Someone can ALWAYS live without someone else; someone can easily say things like "I want this to work", without backing that up with actions. It's a sign that someone is - at best - a bit of a drama queen, TBH.

Y'see, we're all slightly cynical at heart, and hate to come across as needy, (or to have another half who is) but it seems like there are people out there who want something until they are sure they have it, after which it loses its appeal - or maybe they want it on a subconscious level, I dunno - but either way their actions make the other person feel like crap.

My last disaster was just that; some things she said and did made me think it was more serious than it was; I believed them [mod's, don't ban anyone who calls me a dumb-ass for that one] and as a result I said things I'd never have said after a short "relationship", and then all of a sudden I was accused of being what I would never, ever be accused of - too serious after a few months!!!! :P

Not sure if your situation is the exact same [god love you if it is] but don't believe everything you hear......it's like a girlie version of the "Of course I love you" from a guy who wants a shag.....

Liam Byrne

me too!!! wrote: »

Hey mate, are you sure we didnt go out with the same girl??

I am currently going through the same as you, same length of relationship too!! ..and age!

Weird, I was just thinking the same thing after reading that post!!!!

P.S. Go find a track from Suzy Bogguss called "Save Yourself" (yeah, I know it's a country track, but the lyrics are on the ball)...

BTW, you do get over this crap, start thinking "what was I thinking, putting up with that behaviour", and then you head out with friends or maybe even meet someone new where you're not second-guessing or on a knife-edge and you definitely realise that what you somehow once viewed as "great" was nothing of the sort.

johny28

Liam Byrne wrote: »

Been [at least most of the way] there, bud. WALK AWAY.

Someone can ALWAYS live without someone else; someone can easily say things like "I want this to work", without backing that up with actions. It's a sign that someone is - at best - a bit of a drama queen, TBH.

Y'see, we're all slightly cynical at heart, and hate to come across as needy, (or to have another half who is) but it seems like there are people out there who want something until they are sure they have it, after which it loses its appeal - or maybe they want it on a subconscious level, I dunno - but either way their actions make the other person feel like crap.

My last disaster was just that; some things she said and did made me think it was more serious than it was; I believed them [mod's, don't ban anyone who calls me a dumb-ass for that one] and as a result I said things I'd never have said after a short "relationship", and then all of a sudden I was accused of being what I would never, ever be accused of - too serious after a few months!!!! :P

Not sure if your situation is the exact same [god love you if it is] but don't believe everything you hear......it's like a girlie version of the "Of course I love you" from a guy who wants a shag.....

It was a similar situation were at one stage(At start of the relation) she told me that she said it was getting too serious too soon and she wanted fun but then she said she wanted me to take this seriously and when I did she felt it was too "Intense"!and she broke up me with me for good what I still have not undersood is that how a relaiton suppose to be serious and to be rosey and everything to go smoothly in it!

BTW, when did you finish with yours, and how long did it take you to get over her?

Redpunto

If ya can go away on a 2 week holiday with some good mates. Getting out of the country would do ya a world of good and let you look on things "outside of the box".

johny28

Redpunto wrote: »

If ya can go away on a 2 week holiday with some good mates. Getting out of the country would do ya a world of good and let you look on things "outside of the box".

I'll be going away for few days in two weeks time ... So hopefully that will help..
thanks

Liam Byrne

johny28 wrote: »

It was a similar situation were at one stage(At start of the relation) she told me that she said it was getting too serious too soon and she wanted fun

Well that bit's different; initially I nearly backed out because she was adamant that she didn't just want a casual thing......but then I decided that I did want it....

but then she said she wanted me to take this seriously and when I did she felt it was too "Intense"!

Ditto on that last bit.

and she broke up me with me for good. BTW, when did you finish with yours, and how long did it take you to get over her?

That's the gas thing; I didn't, but she convinced herself that I did. Long, confusing and headwrecking story, but fact is - whether she realised it or not - she wanted it off. I didn't, but I couldn't cope with some of the behaviour (and TBH, no-one should have to)....some fabulous bits - best ever - but far too many WTF moments to compensate.

It took about 3 months to get over what was basically a 2-month thing that got dragged out to 3.....bad odds, and I finally copped myself on and saw it for what it was......despite some really cool bits, it was a mistake (for both of us) that nearly dragged me down.

Was almost stunned when I spotted that ye'd been together since Christmas....the timing's about right and all....maybe I got the boot because of you, mate! :eek:

Nevyn

Typedef her sister/mother.

LegacyUser

hey me here again..

The more i read this thread, my story sounds so, so familiar to Liam Byrne and johny 28

It's like this lads, being always there and 'nice' (not in a desperate, pussy way) but just being normal and not a bastard, does not at all get you anywhere with these bad girls. My ex wrecked my head so much with her very sudden hot and cold moments. I felt guilty all the time. Blamed it all on me on why she felt like this. We went on holidays towords the end of the relationship and she rejected my kisses, hand holding, general affection and sexual advances (wasn't pressurising her or anything!!). She even called me a creep and a perv when I used to randomly compliment her on her looks and body (yes, she was serious!!)!!! Like I said in an earlier post, apparently she was 'depressed' and thats why she acted like this, yet after the holiday she wanted eveything to work out and us to get back to normal. She didnt even have the balls to be truthful and say she simply wasnt interested anymore - she had to lie and drag it out in arguments and bringing me down in the process. Shortly after the holiday, it didnt get back to normal and it ended very messy.

Like Liam said if you have doubts NEVER BELIEVE ANYTHING girls say!!

These days girls are getting more like the bad boys that they really want to be with. Next time i'll be prepared for this, but I wont change. Nice, genuine girls who APPRECIATE a genuine guy are hard to find.

Liam Byrne

me too!! wrote: »

Like Liam said if you have doubts NEVER BELIEVE ANYTHING girls say!!

I don't think I QUITE said that, but it did kinda apply in my case.....a little like tribunal issues, if there are conflicting words, and conflicting actions, you gotta question what the feck is going on....

I still think with that ex that there is a fantastic girl in there somewhere; I did see flashes of it, and in a way that deluded me into thinking it was indeed something special - that I was privileged to get to see that side of her.

Yup, it's in there somewhere, but it'll take someone other than me to get it to shine.

BlackMamba

Concentrate on yourself for a while. Do what you love doing- sports, going out with friends etc. Build up your confidence before you venture onto the dating scene again.
And as for the casual sex thing, I agree.....no ugly chicks.

johny28

Liam Byrne wrote: »

Well that bit's different; initially I nearly backed out because she was adamant that she didn't just want a casual thing......but then I decided that I did want it....

Ditto on that last bit.



That's the gas thing; I didn't, but she convinced herself that I did. Long, confusing and headwrecking story, but fact is - whether she realised it or not - she wanted it off. I didn't, but I couldn't cope with some of the behaviour (and TBH, no-one should have to)....some fabulous bits - best ever - but far too many WTF moments to compensate.

It took about 3 months to get over what was basically a 2-month thing that got dragged out to 3.....bad odds, and I finally copped myself on and saw it for what it was......despite some really cool bits, it was a mistake (for both of us) that nearly dragged me down.

Was almost stunned when I spotted that ye'd been together since Christmas....the timing's about right and all....maybe I got the boot because of you, mate! :eek:

Let me guess the fabulos bits were her sense of humer and strong personality or was it something else?

did she have a hot temper?