Breaking up...getting back together

Creachadóir

What are peoples opinions on couples who break up and then get back together? Has anyone experienced this? In my experience in many of these cases it is often the fella who makes the break to go out and sow his wild oats or whatever.

Under what circumstances do a couple usually break-up and get back together?

Before we answer.......Are you on making up or breaking up?

Creachadóir

I'm doing one of the above...sure people won't give me an unbiased opinion if they know which one!

DetectivFoxtrot

Creachadóir wrote: »

What are peoples opinions on couples who break up and then get back together? Has anyone experienced this? In my experience in many of these cases it is often the fella who makes the break to go out and sow his wild oats or whatever.

Under what circumstances do a couple usually break-up and get back together?

I think those type of relationships are doomed tbh..... "make up/break up"syndrome is usually due to both parties being seriously insecure and feel the need to constanty test each other just to stretch the boundaries/feel validated. i.e. have a fight. Say horrible things. Go seperate ways. Feel desperately lonley, one apologises (usually the passive/aggressive of the two), they get back together, cycle starts again. I'm no expert, that's just what I've seen with friends/family.....;)

hhhmmm....Well personally if I was really head over heels for someone.
They would have a small window of opportunity, to realise the error of their ways and kiss ass. Maybe a few weeks or a couple of months.
After that..... its No nay, never, no more.

Dragan

Hmmmmm, my thoughts run as

1) If you break up you normally break up for a reason. Despite the amateur dramatics we sometimes see most people in relationships are emotionally sound folk so if an end is called it's normally for a good reason.

2) Couples who do break up to make up always strike me as being

a) very over-reactive and break up over the slightest bull****.
b) too stupid to realise that they just are not meant to be when serious things do go wrong.

That my stereotyping done for today i guess.

ali.c

Well seeing as i am now going out with an previous ex hmmmmm well it really depends on the reasons for the break-up and the time that elapsed. For me we got together initally during a time when i was working through some stuff and was busy having fun so we called it quits but after a few years passed and we both grew up a good bit it just kinda happened that we ended up back together. Its really dependent on the situation but yup for me it worked out but constant make up breakup relationships from my experience usually dont work out!!

IB.LEGEND

Creachadóir wrote: »

What are peoples opinions on couples who break up and then get back together? Has anyone experienced this? In my experience in many of these cases it is often the fella who makes the break to go out and sow his wild oats or whatever.

Under what circumstances do a couple usually break-up and get back together?

There's lots of reasons for a couple to break up I was with a partner for seven years , we broke up for one or two now we're back together with a baby the best thing thats ever happened to us.I think as long as you break for a good reason its fine and same goes for getting back together aslong as its for the right reason !

Weidii

I've had some serious cases of makeub/breakup throughout my OHing career.

It's really not worth it to get back together, my advice is (if you're thinking of breaking up) make it a clean break and don't see eachother until you're sure you're over eachother. Maybe 4 or 5 months or so. Otherwise you're starting down a long road of annoyance.

How Strange

If you break up then that relationship is over. There's no such thing as 'getting back together'. If you decide to try again then it's a different relationship and both people have to start again and leave all the problems and issues of the previous relationship behind them. This is a very hard thing to do and requires a lot of maturity and honesty on both sides.

Couples who constantly breakup and get back together shouldn't be together in the first place. IMO, they are too immature to be in an adult relationship. A healthy relationship shouldn't be one where you keep breaking up and then getting back together. IMO, if you're in this type of relationship then you should get out because it's going nowhere. Everytime there's a bump in the road then the relationship is off until one/both of you have forgotten the problem and then give it another go.

Mrs_Doyle

Creachadóir wrote: »

What are peoples opinions on couples who break up and then get back together? Has anyone experienced this? In my experience in many of these cases it is often the fella who makes the break to go out and sow his wild oats or whatever.

Under what circumstances do a couple usually break-up and get back together?

Me and my OH broke up years ago. We were really young. He lived in Offaly with his parents, I loved in Dublin with mine.
We had been together a few months at the time, but before we got together, he had been in a fairly long time relationship.

It just wasn't working, due to long distance, age, and the fact that he was probably on the rebound.

So we split, and by all accounts, we really had no intention of getting back together at the time.
6 months later (I neglected to mention we were in the same class in college) we start hanging around together again, and hvaing a laugh with each other, and kinda flirting with each other, and well............ it wasn't long before we shared a few kisses.
Here we are, almost 4 years later, engaged to be married!!!!!

cuckoo

How Strange wrote: »

If you break up then that relationship is over. There's no such thing as 'getting back together'. If you decide to try again then it's a different relationship and both people have to start again and leave all the problems and issues of the previous relationship behind them. This is a very hard thing to do and requires a lot of maturity and honesty on both sides.

+1.

I thought that was the situation with an ex, but after he dumped me (again) I realised that his groveling apology after the first time he ended it came from a situation of panic - he couldn't handle not being in a relationship, rather then he couldn't handle not being with me. *sigh*

I don't think there are any rules per se that can be applied to trying again with an ex, but I do know that perpetual 'dumping for the thrill and emotional rollercoaster' couples rarely seem to last the long haul.

Wibbs

How Strange wrote: »

If you break up then that relationship is over. There's no such thing as 'getting back together'. If you decide to try again then it's a different relationship and both people have to start again and leave all the problems and issues of the previous relationship behind them. This is a very hard thing to do and requires a lot of maturity and honesty on both sides.

+2 Nail on the head. If the couple are mature and have grown in the interim and funny enough have somewhat gotten over the ex, then it can work. Also the things that broke them up in the first place must be resolved. If not forget about it.

In fact among the best, most balanced couples I know, well over half fall into this category. None of them got back within a year, one was eight years apart. I think the second time around may be better because they're going in with both eyes open and the headiness of loves young dream is lesser, replaced by a genuine connection between them. It's more "real" in a manner of speaking. I seem to remember reading a stat that suggested that couples like that were much less likely to divorce down the line.

It's like movies(mad wibbs analogy alert ), if the first one is good, but there is more of a story to tell then the sequel is a good thing to think about doing, especially if there's no other better competing script. If the first movie is really good, but ends on an unresolved question then even better. The trick is to be like a "Godfather" though, not a "Police academy"....... The former is a lot rarer than the latter.

Jesus Wept

Ah 'Police Academy 4: Citizens on Patrol' wasn't without it's charm.

Crumble Froo

personally, myself and my b/f, in the early days, broke up several times. both of us instigating at various points, for various reasons, but at this stage, we're happily living together, and couldnt imagine it not being so.

Black Swan

Sure, there's probably a case for those that cycle through making up and breaking up more than once, but all breakups are not the same. Just like all people are not the same. Now there was one lad... naaaa, don't get me started!

mollybird

ya ive done the whole break up and gotten back together thing. the first time i did it i was doing my leaving cert and he was a distraction so 8 months later we got back together. but didn't last two long. the second time it wasn't my choice to get back together (as such) it was pretty much forced (in a nice way) but once he found his answer to a green card to the states it was over. only reason i got back with the narsasit was cause the chemistry was electicfing.

funmalley

I wish someone could answer that question for me.Im in the middle of a breakup at the min and its driving me mad.We broke up before and got back now over different resaons we are broke up again.I made the "Break" and its hurting so bad not goin back to him but i need this break(i think)im so all over the place now.So to answer ur question im in lala land.

Femelade

I have broken up with people before and gotten back with them, on 3 separate occasions, it didn't work out on those 3 separate occasions.
I am with my current boyfriend now over a yr and a half, we did break up for 3 days in Feb,but got back together and we are still together and very happy. I think it all depends on the reasons behind a break up, sometimes you break up and its a good thing down the road cos you were never suited anyway, but other times, the break up was just a stumbling block in your relationship and something ye can both sort out and work at if its what ye really want.

I broke up with him for a while because I felt I just needed space; there was a lot of stuff going on with me. It was for about 5 weeks. We then went on a couple of dates over a couple of weeks and decided to give it a go again. that was 2 months ago and it's still going well
But I wouldn't do it again - if we ever did break up (=/) again that would be it. It'd just be messing with our heads to do otherwise.

And under no circumstances, if you do get back with someone after a break up, should you slide back into how things were. Make it dates + a fresh start. Otherwise it'll be a miserable cycle

Creachadóir

My situation is similar to Bluewolf...except I'm the dumpee. We were together a few years, and suddenly everyone is getting married etc. and although it wasn't something I felt ready for yet, he seemed to think it was. He says I'm his best friend, that he's still attracted to me and still in love with me etc. It came completely out of the blue as far as I was concerned, and I really don't think he can mean that he wants out. However, I'm keeping my distance. He's very stressed at work, and I was trying to convince him to confide in me instead of bottling it up....then BAM! Please don't put this in PI, I just want peoples opinions not really looking for advice.

But is it best to keep your distance after a break-up, even if there is no bad blood. I hate playing mind games, but everyone keeps telling me that I have to give him the chance to miss me.

Wibbs

Creachadóir wrote: »

But is it best to keep your distance after a break-up, even if there is no bad blood. I hate playing mind games, but everyone keeps telling me that I have to give him the chance to miss me.

I would say yes it's a good plan to get some distance.

A) to let him see what the real consequences are of splitting with you. If you're always around all he's really missing is the sex and after a few drinks even that can kick off. Don't be that person.

It gives you time to process your thoughts and feelings. Is he really the guy for you and vice versa, or is it panic at the thought of losing something comfortable and familiar or especially for many women the thought of being single/alone again?

The backing off will have an effect. I personally think it has more of an effect on women who have left men. Men in general need less contact with their partners and even when they miss someone do tend to find it easier to compartmentalise the loss. Again these are generalisations. Also men are more visual creatures at least more obvious about it, so if he bumps into you and you look like a million quid it'll have more of an effect.

I do think you need to think more on the whys though.

Now as you say you don't want to play games and that's a bloody good thing. I will suggest however that people play "games" or have unconscious strategies all the time, especially in relationships. If we didn't play games then neither gender would primp and preen before they went out for a night. In the early days we would always ring the other person, not wait so as not to appear desperate. We wouldn't edit our worst features as we got to know each other. The list is long and in most cases subtle. Those that are percieved to play games are just not very good at expressing their strategies and are too obvious. Those who are convinced they don't at all do these things naturally.

If you want to get anyone back. Get yourself back first. Then even if they don't come back it won't really matter anyway.

Wibbs

Wibbs wrote:

Men in general need less contact with their partners

hehe
tell that to my bf

+1 on your distance reasons though. Some space to clear your head is a must, and it just won't happen if you're talking to them much

tallaght01

Blue_Lagoon wrote: »

, but all breakups are not the same. Just like all people

This is the reality of it, isn't it.

Some people get back together and it fails. Most of them probably fail, just like most relationships fail.

Some people get back together and it works.

Go with what you think. Take some risks in life if you think the possibilities for happiness are worth it.

Don't worry about what we think!

Crumble Froo

tallaght01 wrote: »

This is the reality of it, isn't it.

Some people get back together and it fails. Most of them probably fail, just like most relationships fail.

Some people get back together and it works.

Go with what you think. Take some risks in life if you think the possibilities for happiness are worth it.

Don't worry about what we think!

can't emphasise that one enough.

jellie

this thread is so relevant to me right now its crazy.

broke up with my bf last july. we got back together in september. things havent been the best for the last month. now he doesnt know how he feels or what he wants to do. we're meeting to talk today..

yesterday i wouldve said getting back together can work. today i dont know but i can tell you that the thoughts of breaking up a 2nd time are a million times worse than the first

quietobserver

Creachadóir wrote: »

But is it best to keep your distance after a break-up, even if there is no bad blood. I hate playing mind games, but everyone keeps telling me that I have to give him the chance to miss me.

I was with my ex for 5 years and we split over her wanting different things she wanted to go away and be sure it was me she wanted, almost like there was a deadline ahead of us, when nothing could be further from the truth, for me that just seemed to clinical.

we broke up and decided it wasnt going to be just a break and that there would be no going back as that just gets messy, thats 3 years now, single since but by choice, i think in hindsight while it was a lovely relationship comprimise came into it too much, personal discovery has taken on such a role since not because im single but because it allowed me to challenge the things i didnt do while in a relationship, talking to her recently for first time in ages she felt the same.
Familarity is the greatest reason to want to return to something, theres safety in what you know. Make a decision and look forward and embrace what comes your way, its not a mistake just an opportunity waiting.

Creachadóir

I see where you're coming from. However, I'm happy the way I am, I don't think I need time for self-discovery. Maybe he does. I was happy in the relationship and I'm happy now. However, I'm I do have sad thoughts because I miss my ex. It's only been a couple of weeks and I've kept my distance. It really sucks to feel so rejected by someone that you love. I'm still hoping he'll come round but I'm kinda going with "if you love somebody set them free..." and I'm getting on with my own life and all that. I was sure that he'd come running back. Clearly I can't read him as well as I thought:rolleyes:

quietobserver

well as you said yourself its only been a few weeks so theres still a chance he will come running. though id suggest looking after yourself,

if you love somebody set them free.... if they come back its meant to be, if they dont??? hunt them down and kill'em!!! i think that was used in a movie not sure of the name of it.

funkycat83

yeah iv heard of a couple of situations where the couple were fairly solid, and eventually parted ways but got back together and were all the stronger for it. i.e now married and / or building a house together!

I know it doesnt always work out that way but im a firm believer in "everything happens for a reason" and "whats for ya wont pass ya"

but thats just me...

quietobserver

first hand experience funkycat?
i know what your saying though

Zzippy

This August I'm going to a friend's wedding. He got back with his now-fiancee about 2 years ago, after 18 months apart. When they first got together, they just weren't ready to settle down, but the time apart helped them to realise what they were missing out on, and both of them grew up a bit. They have a great house together now, and are the happiest couple I know.
So it can work out...

funkycat83

well the two situations were that of my friends parents , bit before my time but it still counts! and the second is one of my best friends!

*Murphy*

jeepers... ya are talkin to en expert here........ been goin out with the bf for a year now, and we 'broke up' for the 4th time 2day. we both have alot going on, work, college, other commitments and there is loadsa arguments bout not seeing eachother or what the other one is doing or not doing...... as much as i hate him sometimes, *something* wont let me leave him.

funkycat83

oh! i know ALL about that *something* .....

Have been un-exclusively "involved" with (for lack of a better word) this guy (one of my closest friends-which makes it harder *not* to be in his company!) for 3 years and we've have had 3 "parting of ways" and at this stage i cant even tell my friends that "its happened again" because I know what they will say and they will give me that "I'm so disappointed in you " look

I hate that look

this time were parting ways for the foreseeable future, both going travelling in opposite directions of the world!

Creachadóir

Didn't realise this thread was still going! I like some of those positive comments. I think I was a bit naive a month ago, he hasn't come running back. I'm trying to move on, though it still seems like only a very short time since it happened. I have a bit of hope cos I know he's going through a strange/bad patch. However, I don't think it could be the same now after this and he doesn't seem to have any notion of coming back. Men!

funkycat83

yep, men... cant live with em...end of sentence!!!

MissHoneyBun

DetectivFoxtrot wrote: »

I think those type of relationships are doomed tbh..... "make up/break up"syndrome is usually due to both parties being seriously insecure and feel the need to constanty test each other just to stretch the boundaries/feel validated. i.e. have a fight. Say horrible things. Go seperate ways. Feel desperately lonley, one apologises (usually the passive/aggressive of the two), they get back together, cycle starts again. I'm no expert, that's just what I've seen with friends/family.....;)

Sweeping generalisation there. Like other posters, I know many couples who have taken a break from each other intermittently for a whole host of other reasons. None of which were being "seriously insecure". I think people are too quick to go down the easy route and brandish people as being "insecure" for being indecisive about situations which have enormous impact on their lives.

This is real life, not a Disney movie

Wibbs

I agree it's not always about insecurity, but it often is, hence the generalisation. If people are splitting up and getting back together all the time it's usually down to one or both dealing with issues by using the "breakup" as leverage. They're not really breakups per se, but hissy fits or arguments that are resolved by a "split". Not a good sign where emotional maturity is concerned and we all know people who do this.

I think there are those type of breakups, which are not really breakups and actual breakups where a point has been reached where moving on is a real option for one or both. I think they come from different angles.

I would consider a breakup that then results in a reconciliation as one that lasts for at least 6 months and has some element of moving on.

Wibbs

*Murphy* wrote: »

as much as i hate him sometimes, *something* wont let me leave him.

Horniness basically. It can be romanticised up as the "spark" or "connection", but that's it pretty much. Some part of your animal brain wants to have his babies and no matter how much you know that it's not healthy you'll keep going back, until you lose that need or get that "spark" with someone else. Or he does.

do you love it?

me and my bf were together for a few months when we broke up cause he was going to the states for a while, he came back and was seeing someone for a little while and like a week after they broke up we were back together.
it really depends on the people and not the circumstance.

it worked for me, nearly 13 months together!

Creachadóir

Well with my ex we'd been going out nearly 3 years. He asked me to move in, I said no...then changed my mind. Then he said no actually I've decided people shouldn't live together before they get married (?!? all of a sudden!) then a few weeks later said that I was clearly ready to settle down, he wasn't. Goodybye! And we've known each other and been friends 5 years, going out nearly 3 of them. And very little contact since, except when we bump into each other. And then it's frosty.

On the day we broke up we were supposed to be booking a weekend abroad at the end of the month. He had said to book it when he went home (cos I'd have net access). Then he got ratty at the end of the day and said it's over. We even had plans made for that week and weekend. Plans he made! It was completely out of the blue as far as I was concerned. I know he's up to his eyes at work. We have never spoken about breaking up and as far as I was concerned we were blissfully happy. I'd be able to count the number of minor disagreements we've had inthe last few years on one hand. He says there's no one else involved. I believe him. He says he has no intention of going out with anyone for months if not years. He just wants to be on his own.

Sorry this is sounding more and more like a PI!!! Sorry to drag it off topic from general break-ups. I guess it's hard to get over these things.

do you love it?

no its ok, i know the feeling.
us being girls and all we think these things out good and proper!!!
i know what its like for things to be all over out of the blue when you think you really have a future, there is nothing worse than that feeling of being totally let down, and tbh, if you get back together withhim and your anything like me, itll take a good long time for you to stop resenting him because of how it ended.
but then you remind yourself of the good times. for me, i think me and my bf are 2 totally different people than we were last time around.

do you love it?

im sorry for all that babble....i hope you find it useful!

Wibbs

do you love it? wrote: »

i think me and my bf are 2 totally different people than we were last time around.

Bingo. That's the only way it can work.

us being girls and all we think these things out good and proper!!!

So do thw lads, we just talk about it less.

do you love it?

Wibbs wrote: »

Bingo. That's the only way it can work.

So do thw lads, we just talk about it less.

ah wibbs, thats harsh!!!!

i meant that me and my BF are alot more mature this time around

Young_gunner

Hi! just wanted to bump this thread, wondered if anyone had any new stories to share on this top (kinda looking for inspiration if i'm honest)

Young_gunner

Zzippy wrote: »

This August I'm going to a friend's wedding. He got back with his now-fiancee about 2 years ago, after 18 months apart. When they first got together, they just weren't ready to settle down, but the time apart helped them to realise what they were missing out on, and both of them grew up a bit. They have a great house together now, and are the happiest couple I know.
So it can work out...

This is the story i'm looking for!

Amy Popsicle

All depends who you're getting back with?

If the other person is a narcissistic sociopath, its more than likely they have deliberately manipulated your feelings.
You may find yourself "addicted" to them.
Constant episodes' of "brake-up-make-up". Usually with them calling the shots.
This is a toxic relationship.
After a brak-up in this scenario I would run for the hills.

But i have seen people who were deeply in love, but broke up because one was lacking maturity or unwilling to settle down.
After a considerable amount of time apart (to mature), they've got back together and now have a gallon of immature kids to be looking after.
Bitter sweet and all that jaz

AppleBottle

Each to their own. I don't think anything bad of people who have done this.

Had a friend who did this for a long time with an ex boyfriend. And everytime she would go back to him, we would warn her that its not a good idea because she's going to get hurt again. In the end, I think you just have to leave people to it and let them make their own decisions and stay out of it.

Off hand I can't think of anyone I know who did the whole break up/get back together thing that are still together or ended up together.

sullivlo

Mod

Am locking this thread as the OP has a second one open in PI