Is it wrong to want a little better ?

LegacyUser

I have been with my partner for a good while now and engaged quite a while ...recently i was talking to my friend who works in Antwerp as a jewelers and who makes rings for everyone, specialising in engagement rings... she said if i wanted a bigger stone on my engagement ring ( not massively bigger or anything just a little bit bigger ) that she would get it for me at a good price... im not concerned about the price or quality i have no doubts she is legitimate what i am worried about is offending my partner as he picked the ring and surprised me with it out of the blue... is it wrong to change what he originally gave me ?

tbh

In this case I think it's ok as you were happy with the ring your oh got you and you are only getting a bigger one because suddenly you can afford it. He probably would have gotten you the ring if he knew he could get it at a good price - make sure you say all that when you bring the subject up!

Ickle Magoo

You have to wear the ring - if you can afford a bigger & better one that you like better too, then get it. Would your o/h be offended if you said you'd like to change the stone? I imagine he got you the best he could afford here & if you could get a bigger rock for the same money from your friend, I'm not sure why he would object.

Me, I liked the ring because my man chose it & all the sentimental stuff that goes with that - but that's just me. If that side of things doesn't bother you & you want an upgrade, meh, why not!

SarahSassy

No its not alright. Its a gesture of your engagement and what he chose for you and not how much money you have....

Be happy you have it and that you have a decent partner.. Dont buy into the Celtic Tiger Big Rock trash....

Liam Byrne

SarahSassy wrote: »

No its not alright. Its a gesture of your engagement and what he chose for you and not how much money you have....

Be happy you have it and that you have a decent partner.. Dont buy into the Celtic Tiger Big Rock trash....

Well said Sarah!!!! Pity there aren't more girls (and people in general) like ya......

Overheal

I wouldn't think about it personally. Every guy is different. I even know one husband who refuses to buy gifts. Even at Christmas, or Special Occassions, or Anniversaries.. But she still loves him :rolleyes:

He had the right idea he just took it too literal I think: love isn't measured by the size of your jewels

Sangre

i think it would be pretty crass.

Dudess

Yeah, why get a bigger gem simply because you can?

MagicMarker

Out of curiosity, what kind of quality is the current diamond?

I work in a high end jewellers and the size of the diamond is the least important aspect. In fact we just laugh at the tools who come in and just want a big diamond.

So, you want a bigger diamond? But why? Who cares? A small carat high quality diamond is much nicer than a large piece of ****.

Besides, if you want a bigger stone then the mount would need to be bigger hence changing changing the ring more so.

The Real B-man

SarahSassy wrote: »

No its not alright. Its a gesture of your engagement and what he chose for you and not how much money you have....

Be happy you have it and that you have a decent partner.. Dont buy into the Celtic Tiger Big Rock trash....

+1 Why would you want a bigger stone? not like your going to be wearing it for the rest of your life..

Rogueish

Truly it is the sentiment behind the gift. Most married women will tell you that they rarely wear their engagement rings. It is something that they wear when they are going out or for special occasions.

I'm engaged 2 years now. Every now and then I get a figary to change the setting on my ring. But the ring I wear now is not my real engagement ring.... he proposed with a hollowed out shell he found on the shore in the inlet where he proposed (one of the most romantic things he has ever done). This sits with pride in my jewelery box and will one day be made into my true engagement ring.

She Devil

Why dont you just get a different ring ... if you have the money! That way you wont be offending anyone! Id prefer to keep the one my guy picked for me! (if i was engaged that is )

Overheal

best engagement ring ever by the way: http://www.appetizer.com/appetizer/images/battered_or.jpg

It really is the thought that counts. Homer is a role model for men everywhere.

edit: now im hungry again

davyjose

PI anyone? Or fashion and appearance? Seems trivial in the extreme to be sweating over the size of your engagement ring. I guess I'm just not yet used to the personality changes in this country.

Carrigart Exile

ballly2008 wrote: »

I have been with my partner for a good while now and engaged quite a while ...recently i was talking to my friend who works in Antwerp as a jewelers and who makes rings for everyone, specialising in engagement rings... she said if i wanted a bigger stone on my engagement ring ( not massively bigger or anything just a little bit bigger ) that she would get it for me at a good price... im not concerned about the price or quality i have no doubts she is legitimate what i am worried about is offending my partner as he picked the ring and surprised me with it out of the blue... is it wrong to change what he originally gave me ?

I'm sorry you are replacing a gift of love with a gift of mammon

John Mason

SarahSassy wrote: »

No its not alright. Its a gesture of your engagement and what he chose for you and not how much money you have....

Be happy you have it and that you have a decent partner.. Dont buy into the Celtic Tiger Big Rock trash....

Exactly, i think it is extremely rude and if i was your partner, i would be very hurt and disappointed

Duckjob

SarahSassy wrote: »

No its not alright. Its a gesture of your engagement and what he chose for you and not how much money you have....

Be happy you have it and that you have a decent partner.. Dont buy into the Celtic Tiger Big Rock trash....

+1,000,000. If I was in his shoes and you even asked I'd be massively disappointed.

If you want a new ring, go for it. But your engagement ring has (or should have) a special meaning to you.

If you want to píss all over his effort and consideration in choosing a symbol of your engagement for the sake of a bigger "rock" go right ahead. I know in his shoes though, it would make me ask myself some searching questions.

seahorse

I wouldn't do it if I were in your shoes, to be honest. It would risk hurting my bloke and there isn't a diamond on earth worth that.

How Strange

ballly2008 wrote: »

is it wrong to change what he originally gave me?

I'd have to say yes, it is wrong. Buy yourself another ring if that's what you want but I think you should respect the fact that your OH gave you that ring and chose it especially for you.

Beruthiel

I would think doing that would be hurtful and insulting to the man who picked out your ring for you. It's basically telling him, it's not good enough.

biko

If you want the stone as an investment by all means buy it but don't change the ring you got.
Btw, boo for diamonds/slave labour but that is a different discussion.

LegacyUser

The ring itself is gorgeous , there is a diamond setting around the sides of it and then the main stone... i truely do love the ring but because she offered ,it got me thinking ...it would be just the stone i would be changing not the ring and the girl who offered to do it said loads of people do it and not even bothering to tell their fellas !!!!
I am going to wear my engagement ring for the rest of my life , i wont be taking it out just for special occasions , is it so strange that now because our circumstances have changed since he proposed that i would want a little up grade .. many many girls get to pick their engagement ring , i didnt , would be it so wrong to put a bit of me into my ring ?? But then i again i no i should be happy i have one at all eh ??
But i do understand where everyone is coming from , thanks for the points of views...

Glowing

You're not one bit materialistic, are you? :rolleyes:

tbh

ballly2008 wrote: »

The ring itself is gorgeous , there is a diamond setting around the sides of it and then the main stone... i truely do love the ring but because she offered ,it got me thinking ...it would be just the stone i would be changing not the ring and the girl who offered to do it said loads of people do it and not even bothering to tell their fellas !!!!
I am going to wear my engagement ring for the rest of my life , i wont be taking it out just for special occasions , is it so strange that now because our circumstances have changed since he proposed that i would want a little up grade .. many many girls get to pick their engagement ring , i didnt , would be it so wrong to put a bit of me into my ring ?? But then i again i no i should be happy i have one at all eh ??
But i do understand where everyone is coming from , thanks for the points of views...

say you bought your boyfriend a car, and his mate (who happened to be a car dealer) said, If you trade in your 3-series, I'll get you a 5-series for the same price, as a favour. Would you have a problem with that? I certaninly wouldn't. As long as your boyfriend is cool with it, then it doesn't matter what anyone thinks.

LegacyUser

Thank you TBH , your constructive comment is appreciated unlike glowings totally selfish comment.

Duckjob

tbh wrote: »

say you bought your boyfriend a car, and his mate (who happened to be a car dealer) said, If you trade in your 3-series, I'll get you a 5-series for the same price, as a favour. Would you have a problem with that? I certaninly wouldn't. As long as your boyfriend is cool with it, then it doesn't matter what anyone thinks.

The car isn't a symbol of anything else, it's just a car. Not the same thing IMO.

Ginny

Be it the stone or the ring, you'd be changing the ring he proposed to you with, tbh I'd regard that as a kick in the teeth if I was a bloke
"Oh look I can and want to upgrade the symbol of love you presented me with..."

Its extremely materialistic to want to change it, tbh if I said that to a bloke who has worked hard and saved for the ring he proposed to me with I'd expect for him to ask for it back.

biker

as a bloke i'd be seriously po'd as I'd feel my choice was not good enough for her. I see an engagement ring as a symbol of love and committment, not a sign of wealth!

LegacyUser

ok so the result of my post is that the majority of you think it wouldnt be a good idea .
fair enough.
Im not materialistic because i havent done anything , all i said was that a friend offered the suggestion to me.
What harm is it to consider it ??? If any female here was told they could have a diamond for half what it would normally cost , can anyone honestly say they wouldnt think about it ???? Or are ye all saints here ???

Glowing

"Oh my God, people might think we're not rich!!"

That's what your attitude screams out to me, correct me if I'm wrong.

CrazyNoob

tbh wrote: »

say you bought your boyfriend a car, and his mate (who happened to be a car dealer) said, If you trade in your 3-series, I'll get you a 5-series for the same price, as a favour. Would you have a problem with that? I certaninly wouldn't. As long as your boyfriend is cool with it, then it doesn't matter what anyone thinks.

A car (or most other gifts you care to mention) has nothing to do with an engagement, and I dont see how its comparible situation.

OP I think engagement rings have a certain emotional attachment, and it could be seen as hurtful, personally I would be insulted. Esp if its not seen by your OH as a temporary ring till he gets you another.
No diamond is the same they are unique and that one was chosen for you

The size alone does not make the diamond there are other important features. (Not to mention the effort your OH could have gone to in getting that individual ring)

tbh

CrazyNoob wrote: »

A car (or most other gifts you care to mention) has nothing to do with an engagement, and I dont see how its comparible situation.

OP I think engagement rings have a certain emotional attachment

I'll start off by saying that I totally see where you are coming from, would probably agree with you 90% of the time on this, but to play the devils advocate - That emotional attachment is just that - it's emotional. It's not a tangible thing, it's subjective. For example, if the OP were to sell the original ring, could she sell it for more than it cost because of the "sentimental" reasons - not a hope. The sentimental value is specific to the OP and her boyf. To go back to the car example, some cars could have HUGE sentimental value, far beyond the actual price of the car - e.g. if the OP bought her boyf a car as an engagement present, it's not the actual car that carries the sentimental value, it's what it represents. So, if the OP's boyfriend doesn't have a problem with her getting a bigger ring, then an engagement ring is exactly the same as anything else you can buy or sell.

If the OP's boyfriend had given her his grannies ring, or had searched for this specific ring for years and years, then yes, getting a bigger stone would be slightly crass. If, on the other hand, he simply bought her the best ring he could afford, then I don't really see the problem with getting a bigger stone as long as he's cool with it. He probably would have bought it himself if he had known.

If it were me, as long as the missus is happy, then I'm happy.

tbh

Glowing wrote: »

"Oh my God, people might think we're not rich!!"

That's what your attitude screams out to me, correct me if I'm wrong.

right so if I offered you a three bedroom house and a four bedroom house in the same estate for the same price, you'd go with the three in case people thought you were vulgar?

Amazotheamazing

If I had spent my money, worried over what ring to get my o/h, worried if I could afford it, worried if she'd say yes, probably pestered her sisters/friends for advice, really wanted her to know she was the one etc, and she turned around and went "I can get a bargain basement diamond etc", I'd be annoyed, you're taking what he gave you and making it something to impress your friends, not something that solely symbolises the fact he reckons you great etc.

Glowing

How can you compare houses and diamond rings? Obvoiusly a 4 bedroomed house would be more practical, but a bigger flashier diamond isn't! (especially when the original was bought for you as a present)

Tar.Aldarion

I wouldn't be happy if my girlfriend did this...

Mazeire

It sounds to me like you want an outward statement of how much your material circumstances have changed and are trying to justify it to yourself by saying you want to put a little bit of you in to it. The ring is not all about you anyway its a symbol of something you both share i.e your relationship love, lives and commitment to each other. Even if you has picked it out again, it would be something you both shared as presumably you would have shopped for it together. What you are suggesting (swapping it and keeping quiet) is one sided and deceitful. If thats the basis you want to build your marriage on the by all means go ahead.
As for your "friend" she is seeing commisssion and really, i dont know what kind of friend would say "yeah your engagement ring is kind of crap" run the risk of hurting you, and then try to make a quick buck out of it while she there?
Look if you want to show people how well you are doing just have a jordan-esque overly extravagant wedding. That way it will only be your fiancee's wallet that will get hurt not his feelings.

tbh

Glowing wrote: »

How can you compare houses and diamond rings?

it's very simple, both are commodities that can be bought and sold. As I said, any sentimental value that is applied to anything is done by people, not commerce.

Obviously a 4 bedroomed house would be more practical, but a bigger flashier diamond isn't! (especially when the original was bought for you as a present)

So the whole point of the ring is to be practical? Why have a stone at all then, unless you're a glass-cutter? And what if the three-bedroom house was your first house, are you stuck in it forever because of the sentimental value?

Glowing

Okay, lets look at the reasons to upgrade a normal sized diamond to a bigger one:
- It's bigger and shiner, and it sparkles
- People can tell that we've more money and that our financial circumstances have changed
- Erm thats all.

So as far as I can see, there is absolutely no reason to upgrade this gift apart from materialistic, shallow, pointless (possibly hurtful) reasons.

Now where do I start regarding upgrading a 3 bed to a 4 bed house? Come on .....

Mazeire

Hi. TBH. Personally I think the fact that your are comparing an engagement ring (which by its nature, automatically implies great sentiment) to bricks and mortar, would suggest that you really are not getting the crux of this. At all.

tbh

ok, so again, I'll ask you. What's the point in having a diamond at all? And if you are going to have one, what's wrong with getting the biggest one you can afford??

CapnMark

Poor form to replace the stone. If your not happy with the size of the diamond on your engagement ring then your missing the point of it entirely. I know people who are now worth millions with the same unassuming ring that they had when they were struggling to make it.

tbh

Mazeire wrote: »

Hi. TBH. Personally I think the fact that your are comparing an engagement ring (which by its nature, automatically implies great sentiment) to bricks and mortar, would suggest that you really are not getting the crux of this. At all.

ok, explain to me how giving a band of precious metal and stones as a symbol of an engagement is different to giving anything else as a symbol of an engagement.

Mazeire

tbh wrote: »

ok, so again, I'll ask you. What's the point in having a diamond at all? And if you are going to have one, what's wrong with getting the biggest one you can afford??

Again, TBH its not just a diamond. It's an engagement ring. It means and symbolises a great deal more. If the OP wants a diamond let her buy the best one she can afford and have it put on a necklace. I have no issue with someone spending their money on what they choose, (which I think is what you seem to feel I am saying) as long as no one elses feelings get hurt. Which in this case they more than likely will.

BankMan

There's a lot of good points here. It's an interesting scenario.

If I were you, I wouldn't meddle with the ring. There is a high probability of him being upset, maybe very upset. I wouldn't risk it for the sake of a bigger stone.

Maybe get another bigger stone made into a diamond necklace to match the ring ?:cool:

Amazotheamazing

tbh wrote: »

ok, so again, I'll ask you. What's the point in having a diamond at all? And if you are going to have one, what's wrong with getting the biggest one you can afford??

Her fiance already got the biggest one he could afford, she's decided it isn't good enough and wants something bigger.

Personally, I'd be offended.

Mazeire

tbh wrote: »

ok, explain to me how giving a band of precious metal and stones as a symbol of an engagement is different to giving anything else as a symbol of an engagement.

Its not. But the OP is suggesting replacing what has already been given. When something is replaced its pretty much like saying "this is/ was totally inadequate".

BankMan

Oops, sorry maziere - looks like a robbed your idea !:eek:

CrazyNoob

Tbh try buying your missus a car instead of an engagement ring and see how far that gets you :rolleyes::rolleyes:
Most brides-to-be want a ring and would probably leave the kitchen knife between your shoulders and then drive over you in the car :D

TBH, IMO you like comparing situations/things that arent really comparible
If I was to get you a planet, say the earth would you want to swap it for jupiter cos its bigger?


Seriously though
An engagement ring is a highly individual item, no two diamonds are alike - that why its hard to get more value if you resell - a lot of brides-to-be dont want to wear another's ring - and yes its emotional and sentimental thats the difficulty and also has a weird effect on price.

I'd air extreme caution in changing ring for bigger, it could easily be seen as an insult by OP's OH.
I'd say its best if the OP sees how her partner feels about the ring himself, again not easy thing to approach either

Mazeire

BankMan wrote: »

Oops, sorry maziere - looks like a robbed your idea !:eek:

Tsk!:D

tbh

Mazeire wrote: »

Again, TBH its not just a diamond. It's an engagement ring. It means and symbolises a great deal more.

it'll still be an engagement ring if you put a bigger diamond in it. It'll still mean exactly the same thing.

Amazotheamazing wrote: »

Her fiance already got the biggest one he could afford, she's decided it isn't good enough and wants something bigger.

Personally, I'd be offended.

No, she hasn't, and you are being unfair. The OP had no problem at all with the ring, her friend just told her she could get her a bigger diamond. I'm assuming that it's just a straight swap.

Mazeire wrote: »

Its not. But the OP is suggesting replacing what has already been given. When something is replaced its pretty much like saying "this is/ was totally inadequate".

Again, you're being unfair. The OP had no problem with the ring, she just realises she can get something that's worth more for the same cost. It's not like she's asking her boyf to shell out extra money, her mate told her she could replace the existing diamond with a bigger diamond.

CrazyNoob wrote: »

Tbh try buying your missus a car instead of an engagement ring and see how far that gets you :rolleyes::rolleyes:
Most brides-to-be want a ring and would probably leave the kitchen knife between your shoulders and then drive over you in the car :D

You've missed my point. I was merely saying that the fact that this is a ring doesn't give it any more significance that if it were anything else. It's what the ring SYMBOLISES that is important. What if a girl hated rings but loved cars - a car would mean more in this case than a ring. It's subjective.

TBH, IMO you like comparing situations/things that arent really comparible
If I was to get you a planet, say the earth would you want to swap it for jupiter cos its bigger?

With respect, that's a bit of a stupid argument. If I bought you something, and you could swap it for something similar but of a higher value for no cost, would you do it?

Seriously though
An engagement ring is a highly individual item, no two diamonds are alike - that why its hard to get more value if you resell - a lot of brides-to-be dont want to wear another's ring - and yes its emotional and sentimental thats the difficulty and also has a weird effect on price.

I'd air extreme caution in changing ring for bigger, it could easily be seen as an insult by OP's OH.
I'd say its best if the OP sees how her partner feels about the ring himself, again not easy thing to approach either

Let's say that if the OP's boyfriend knew the OP's mate. He's picked out the ring, and before he pays for it, the OP's friend says "oh, hang on, I can get you a bigger stone, but it'll be the same price" - should the OP's boyfriend say "no, this is the one I picked, I have to stick with it" - or are you saying that the sentimental value only becomes attached to the ring once the credit card has been handed over?

Anyway as I said I can see all of your points - I really don't feel strongly enough about this to start defending the OP, but personally speaking, if I was the OP's boyfriend, and assuming he just bought the best ring he could rather than bought a ring because he thought it was just perfect, I wouldn't have a problem with my missus getting a bigger stone.