Why is he lying?

confusedbaby

bf is in london. said he was visiting some male friend he used to share apt with back in college.
his friend bought this apt in london, where bf claimed that the reception for his irish mobile network was very poor. that was why he didnt response my text megs and stuff like. but he rang me last night, saying ringing from his bedroom in the apt, and the reception was perfect as long as i concern.

and also i got the delivery report 6am in the morning on saturday night. i think its ok if they were having some guys night out or anything like that. instead, he said the reception was on and off, thats why was got delivered 6am. but im thinking if he was not awake then, he would know when its delivered really. would only have the time when i sent him the msg.

confusedbaby

bacisally he has this problem of telling his friends and family about me. i dont know why.

2 weeks ago, we were in galway for a weekend break. his dad rang - he had to go to the bathroom to talk because he was telling some lies that he was with some college friends not his gf.

Huggles

Hi Confused,

To be honest as regards the text message you sound a bit clingy. Its very likely that the reception is coming and going on his phone, so, so what? What are you worried he is doing? Cheating on you? Has he cheated before? I think you need to relax.

On the talking to his Father point, perhaps his folks are quite strict and don't want him having a gf?

What age are you both?

confusedbaby

TheGooner wrote: »

Hi Confused,

To be honest as regards the text message you sound a bit clingy. Its very likely that the reception is coming and going on his phone, so, so what? What are you worried he is doing? Cheating on you? Has he cheated before? I think you need to relax.

On the talking to his Father point, perhaps his folks are quite strict and don't want him having a gf?

What age are you both?

im 23 and he is 25.

we only go out for like 7 months.i dont know what he is doing. but i dont understant why is it neccessary to lie.

he doesnt want to tell his friends either. he denies it but i think so.

confusedbaby

think about there is no network coverage in the middle of financial district of london because the apt has thick roof or sth. how lame is that?!
about text, my point is he shouldnt know when was the msg delivered unless he was awake at 6 am.but according to him, he wasnt. i dont understand the reason that he is lying for.

kittenkiller

Hi OP>
Sounds really messed up on both sides to be honest.
If he's denying you after 7 months, maybe it time to sit down and have a proper chat about what the two of you are up to?
From all the tracing of texts etc. it seems like him not wanting to tell people about you is taking its toll on you.

Not healthy at all!

Marksie

Have you asked him again? In the end its the only way you will get some idea on both counts, why is he not telling his family and why is he making up spurious excuses.

I am not sure on the clingy thing The Gooner, he is making things seem a lot more intruiging than they may be by his actions. TBH it would be simpler to have said i had my phone off.

Are you suspicious of some ulterior motive OP?

Edit, i just saw your last post. Is he an intensely private person? But you ahve all these things in your had. Time to have a proper open sit down talk about whats happening

confusedbaby

kittenkiller wrote: »

Hi OP>
Sounds really messed up on both sides to be honest.
If he's denying you after 7 months, maybe it time to sit down and have a proper chat about what the two of you are up to?
From all the tracing of texts etc. it seems like him not wanting to tell people about you is taking its toll on you.

Not healthy at all!

i want to talk with him before about the whole friends and family thing.
he would always say sth like " why is it important?
thats the way im
i dont want to talk that right now.
i will introduce you to my frind. dont worry

which never happened.

confusedbaby

Marksie wrote: »

Have you asked him again? In the end its the only way you will get some idea on both counts, why is he not telling his family and why is he making up spurious excuses.

I am not sure on the clingy thing The Gooner, he is making things seem a lot more intruiging than they may be by his actions. TBH it would be simpler to have said i had my phone off.

Are you suspicious of some ulterior motive OP?

Edit, i just saw your last post. Is he an intensely private person? But you ahve all these things in your had. Time to have a proper open sit down talk about whats happening

he always said that, he is a very private person. i dont even know what is that supposed to mean cos im very open and straightforward person myself.

i dont think he is cheating on me behind my back in london.
and i do think he likes me.
at the same time, it seems incrediably difficult to have a conversation about this with him.

i really like him.but i dont see where we can go with all these problems.
i think in a way, im trying to push things forwards and he is trying to push thing in the opposite direction.

kittenkiller

Looking from the outside in, I'd say run as fast as you can from this guy!
It really sounds like there's something wrong somewhere along the line.

How much do you know about him? How much time on average a week do you see him? Do you know where he works/lives? Are there certain days of the week that you *never* see him (claims he's got plans/working late/plays on some sort of sports team that he doesn't bother talking about except from when he says he's there?

It just seems to be getting dodgier and dodgier the more you go on!

confusedbaby

kittenkiller wrote: »

Looking from the outside in, I'd say run as fast as you can from this guy!
It really sounds like there's something wrong somewhere along the line.

How much do you know about him? How much time on average a week do you see him? Do you know where he works/lives? Are there certain days of the week that you *never* see him (claims he's got plans/working late/plays on some sort of sports team that he doesn't bother talking about except from when he says he's there?

It just seems to be getting dodgier and dodgier the more you go on!

why do you think its dodgy?
i see him once or twice a week.and talking on the fone every night.
he works/studies in a college in town.and living with parents just outside dublin.

i would like to know what are the possible reasons why a guy wouldnt tell ppl about his gf?
shy? shame?

Marksie

confusedbaby wrote: »

he always said that, he is a very private person. i dont even know what is that supposed to mean cos im very open and straightforward person myself. .

There at least is part of the issue..you are having difficulty accepting his reserved and quiet nature because your personality type is diametrically the opposite.

Because you do not understand it then you are having difficulty accepting it.

So perhaps, understanding it is not what its about, but trying to accept his nature. If you cant then it is going to be a dealbreaker.

confusedbaby wrote: »

i dont think he is cheating on me behind my back in london. .

OK, we will take that at face value

confusedbaby wrote: »

at the same time, it seems incrediably difficult to have a conversation about this with him..

Why? because he wont open?, because you do not know how to broach the subject? or because you get frustrated and stop asking when he doesnt respond in an outgoing fashion?

confusedbaby wrote: »

i really like him.but i dont see where we can go with all these problems. .

This is obviously getting to you...but if you cannot accept this then no you wont go anywhere.

confusedbaby wrote: »

i think in a way, im trying to push things forwards and he is trying to push thing in the opposite direction.

Y'see this is your perceptions here.
You are woikring to an agenda rather then letting things develop.
You are also assuming he is working to one..he may not e, he may be content to either let things go as they are, or even just drifting with it.

It is time then to do several things, look and list what is bothering you.

Assess what is due to your own ideas and conceptions and therefore not really to do with your b/friend.
Then to look at what it IS about your b/friend that is due to him.

You will have to talk to him about it, but if you ahve preparation before hand there will be some clarity.

I am guessing here, but i take it you get a simple answer when he replies.. as in "i'm a private person"

I am also guessing you then let it go at taht.
Try a different approacxh, not in the when you do this you make me feel...
but i feel that, its a way of making things less antagonistic and therefore getting his defenses up.

So for example: instead of saying when you dont introduce me to your friends you make me feel unwanted etc.

I feel uncomfortable when i am not known to your friends.
Its a way of shifting the focus onto your own feelings rather than "blaming" him straight off.

confusedbaby wrote: »

i would like to know what are the possible reasons why a guy wouldnt tell ppl about his gf?
shy? shame?

I just saw this so hence the edit.

I can only talk about my personal experience. But my mother interfered and wrecked my first ever relationship. Simply because she had difficulty letting go the fledgling.
It was years before i told her about any other relationship I was in, i determined it was none of her business.

But in the end, you wont know unless you ask

confusedbaby

dont know if it is the socalled true love.it is so painful. every little thing upsets me like crazy.
i dont think its working:(

and marksie, i think you are incrediably mature, wish have a elder brother like you.:)

is_that_so

My brother had to be persuaded to introduce us to his then girlfriend , now partner who is a wonderful person. I would also wonder how much you can get to know someone in 7 months , especially when there is also any number of conflicting emotions at work. I think a deep breath and an exploration of what your concerns are, might be a good idea.

kittenkiller

confusedbaby wrote: »

i would like to know what are the possible reasons why a guy wouldnt tell ppl about his gf?
shy? shame?

Or he's got a whole life that you know nothing about because he's so "private".
If his mates know nothing about you, how much do you know about him?

Marksie

confusedbaby wrote: »

dont know if it is the socalled true love.it is so painful. every little thing upsets me like crazy.
i dont think its working:(

True love in the hollywood, mills and boon sense. does not exist.

But you have highlighted something about yourself there which needs to be looked at.
Your sensitivity to things, it is one of the aspects i was asking you TOO look at.
So now, knowing you are extremely sensitive to things..its up to you to do something about it
You can start by, when you feel it arising in you..asking yourself where it comes from and is it you or your b/friend.
Its a start op

confusedbaby wrote: »

and marksie, i think you are incrediably mature, wish have a elder brother like you.:)

LOL thanks. Others may not agree, but in fact i am that much older and have gone through, at your age, similar.
Its part of the developmental transformational process. To understand you are projecting (to a point) your own sensitivities and insecurities.
whihc aint the same as saying it your fault OP..there are two of you in it and he is *probably* in a similar boat.
So you both have to work on it, it cant be a one way thing.

spinandscribble

if you didnt get the delievery note until 6am then it didnt arrive until 6 am. more importantly so what if he was up at 6am? does that instantly mean he was up to no good? your bf isnt able to control when the txts are receieved so why are you so suspisious? he probably just read the txt and the time received and knew it came at 6 when he woke up. for all you know your txt actually woke him up at 6 thats another handy reason why he noticed it was only 6am. he definitely didnt highjack his network provider and make it look like the txt came hours after you sent it!:rolleyes:
the txt bit is a bit silly. i think you're just cheesed off about him in general and now you're seeing problems where there isnt and overreacting at little things instead of talking to him about whats really the matter.

some ppl dont tell their parents they're seeing someone for alot of reasons. one of those reasons could be he doesnt see you as a serious thing. you need to ask why. we cant tell you why. dont get angry with him until you find out. hear him out.

gamer

maybe hes ashamed of you, maybe hes gay,maybe he s in another relationship,maybe he s a drug dealer or criminal ,or separated from his wife, maybe hes upper class ,posh,embarassed to be going out with a lower class girl.i know a bloke that went out with 3 girls at the same time.THERES NO good reason he cant introduce you 2his family, HE is hiding something, maybe he has kids with another woman,theres a serious problem here,relationships r about trust, HOW can you trust a bloke that keeps you hidden.

spinandscribble

maybe he doesnt consider her hidden, maybe he doesnt like his family and dont want her to meet them because they're nuts or something. I've seen that happen before. just talk to him when he gets back.

takola

confusedbaby wrote: »

think about there is no network coverage in the middle of financial district of london because the apt has thick roof or sth. how lame is that?!
about text, my point is he shouldnt know when was the msg delivered unless he was awake at 6 am.but according to him, he wasnt. i dont understand the reason that he is lying for.

This can very easily happen tbh. Coverage in England is different from here. Most of the time depending on which network you're using you can have difficulty with the coverage once you enter a built up area.

I think Spin is right in saying you're nitpicking at this point. The text message is not important. You've said yourself you don't think he's cheating on you so that's that.

I think it's strange that after 7 months you haven't met any of his friends or family. It doesn't seem like he's even mentioned you to any of them. I would tend to be suspicious of that and the "I'm a private person" excuse would only work with me for a certain amount of time (ie. the first 3 months if even that long! :rolleyes:). But then I like a good argument and wouldn't have any trouble pushing it if I got that answer so I guess I deal with things differently.

Him going to the bathroom to make the excuse of being with college friends to his father would have started all out war with me. Something isn't right there! But as Marksie pointed out, he didn't tell his mam about relationships he was in because she made it difficult for him at some point. Maybe something like that has happened with him but realistically I'd like to be told about something like that so that I could understand where he was coming from. To be honest overall I wouldn't worry about the family so much as the friends. Fair enough you can not like your family or have issues with telling them but why not tell your friends you have a girlfriend for 7 months?

You do need to sit down with him and find out what's going on. Explain exactly how it's making you feel and that you don't think it's working this way. I think if you're still getting the same answer after that talk then I think you should just walk away.

confusedbaby

my point wasnt about hes up till 6am.its ok if he wanted to have a good time with his mates. but i dislike the fact he lied to me about the whole no coverage thing. and then he was talking to me in the bedroom with perfect reception?sounds like bull****.

i was thinking about the whole "shame" thing. im from pretty decent family-dad is lecture that all. but the only thing is that im chinese(yes, dont judge me). would like to know whats the average opinion of irish blokes about this.

colly10

I wouldn't worry too much about the whole texting thing tbh. The rest is a bit 50/50 though. I have never taken a girl to meet my parents, I just think it's awkward for the girl/me and not worth the hassle, in saying that though the parents would know all about her and how things were going.
I would also be slow enough in introducing her to my mates for the first time but she would meet them and they'd know all about her early on.

So do you think his mates have ever heard of you, if not thats a very bad sign and after 7 months it's definetly about time ye's met. He may be a bit of a worrier and that would cause him to take a while to introduce ye.

But to be honest with ye, if he hasn't already met your mates introduce him now and if he's not willing to introduce you soon then id get rid of him (tell him you don't think it would work out)

If he won't introduce ye he's just with ye for sex and will dump ye sooner or later

colly10

confusedbaby wrote: »

but the only thing is that im chinese(yes, dont judge me).

Shouldn't make any difference, wouldn't to me anyway

estar

i really like him.but i dont see where we can go with all these problems.
i think in a way, im trying to push things forwards and he is trying to push thing in the opposite direction.

say the above to him exactly like that

and if he doesnt make an effort to give you what you
want fairly quickly - then you have your answer

introducing someone after 7 months to friends and family is basic
manners.

you wouldnt be examining times of text messages if he
had made you feel secure by introducing you

so have the conversation the minute he gets home.

estar

some irish families are really small minded about
different races integrating into their homogenous
little circle

perhaps he is nervous about it. but he should
just have the balls to get over it, and insist
they accept you.

and if they are a family with education and manners
and tolerance, they wont have an issue

and neither will his friends.

but if he continues to avoid introducing you
even though you want this to make you happy and secure
in the relationship

then you should tell him unless he introduces you
no more dates.

simple.

King of Kings

i wouldn't mind the london thing. I think you may be reading too much into it.

The hiding away reason is It could because you are chinese. He may feel awkward introducing to his family.
ut I'd be very concerned about him keeping you away from his friends. No matter how awkward / shy he is with his family you should be meeting his friends on a regular basis and he should be proud to introduce you to them,.

I think you should just ask him outright why and whats the reason. If it is cos you're Chinese I'd dump him. There are plenty of guys out there who'd be proud to date you and treat you with respect.

although I had a similar situation to marksie when i was young my mam not being happy with my gf "you could do better" was the phrase.
as if it were a competition.

anyway I vowed never to have her involved again and she only met my ex when she was 4 months pregnant - i guess it was time then

and at the moment (i'm 30) if i was away with a lady I'd prob tell my folks some lie cos I've no interest in dealing with the 20 questions that would follow. But certainly i'd have no probs introducing a ladyfriend to my friends.

confusedbaby

emm,we dont even have much sex. most of our dates are like dinner, coffee, movie etc . pretty innocent.hun.
so sounds like most of irish parents would have a problem with foreign gf?even if she is decent looking,background,eduation, etc??
i was thinking he wasnt confident enough with his friends.im not sure though.seems like i dont know much about him that way..emmmmmmm

*dolly*

i dont think most irish parents would have a major problem with having a foreign partner?
they may not have much experience with other cultures, but im not sure it would be the norm for them to have a problem.

OP, has your bf introduced to you ANYONE at all?

King of Kings

confusedbaby wrote: »

emm,we dont even have much sex. most of our dates are like dinner, coffee, movie etc . pretty innocent.hun.
so sounds like most of irish parents would have a problem with foreign gf?even if she is decent looking,background,eduation, etc??
i was thinking he wasnt confident enough with his friends.im not sure though.seems like i dont know much about him that way..emmmmmmm

you'd be surprised - the parents mighn't have an issue - he might percieve them to have an issue
but there is definitely something afoot if you don't meet his friend.
from what you've said - I'd be wary of him and I'd consider ending it.

confusedbaby

met one of his friends when we were just about starting. he put me on his facebook after a big fight. appearantly his friends know me from that. other than that,no.

on the other hand, im making an effort to introduce him to my frinds.even just say "hi", like.i think thats nice thig to do.

confusedbaby

King of Kings wrote: »

you'd be surprised - the parents mighn't have an issue - he might percieve them to have an issue
but there is definitely something afoot if you don't meet his friend.
from what you've said - I'd be wary of him and I'd consider ending it.

i really like him....he is nice to me other than this whole introduction thing.
after this london no coverage thing, i find it a bit hard to trust him, seems he is lying with ease.....

*dolly*

i have a friend who likes to keep all his social circles seperate, including his girlfriend. and there's nothing sinister in it. he just gets different things from each group and doesnt mix them at all. that said we've all met her, several times. she just doesnt socialise with us. she doesnt really socialise much at all tho.
it could be as simple as that. he doesnt think that you'd blend well with his friends? do they drink and you dont maybe?

personally, it wouldnt be something that id accept. i wouldnt like being left out of so much of my bfs life. its up to you to decide whether or not its acceptable.

colly10

Everything may be alright, he's over in London with one of his mates so if he wants a bit of space for a weekend I wouldn't see it as a big issue, even if he has to lie to get that bit of space. This does not mean he's cheating on you while he's over there.
I'd just get a night out organised with his mates over the next while, there is no good reason why he wouldn't introduce you to them now, if not find out why not and see where it goes from there

CherrySugarPlum

No offence, but i think your reading into this a bit too much. Maybe he did have coverage in london but told you he didnt because he wanted to spend time with his mates but didnt want to tell you this was the real reason he wasnt keeping in touch as he knew it would upset you, as you've said yourself, you get upset easily by things. He shouldnt have lied to you but to a certain extent its understandable.

Its very possible the reason he's not introduced you to his family or friends is because he is simply a very private person. You said that sex isnt a major factor, so maybe he is just trying to keep everything at a slow pace and doenst see it as a big deal that he hasnt introduced you to anyone. I suggest that you either explain your feelings to him and talk it out or just take a step back and try not to dwell on it and see if he introduces you in his own time. if you dont think he's cheating and he's not using you for sex then you may just have to accept that he's a private person and does things in his own time. i doubt nagging him about it will help, you may only succeed in driving him away.

Rock Climber

OP
The only way you can say for certain if he lied to you about the coverage is if you vitit his friends appartment and check that yourself.
Otherwise you are just being paranoid.

As for his "subterfuge" about you-talk to him in a nice manner about it.
There could be several innocent reasons for this eg; he may not want to hurt someones feelings..someone that mightn't like ye going out for example.

Let me put a scenario to..Maybe his best friend fancies you and he doesn't want is friend knowing that he has you and he doesn't want to tell you this.
theres an innocent explanation albeit quirky.

My best advice to you is to : Number one ,enjoy your boyfriend,he has after all chosen you to spend most of his quality and sext time with and Number two just let it rest or talk to him in a nice way but be relaxed about it as it's probably only a slightly insecure mind/imagination working overtime.

Hope that helps