Fiance wont sleep with me

useful_contacts

i am 22 my fiance is 26, ive been with him for four years and we are very much in love. Hes never been big on sex though, and its gotten worse , we have only had sex once this year and before that it had been since september. It annoys me cos i have a high sex drive and i always have to sort myself out which annoys me cos i shouldnt have to.

Anyway i am on the implanon conterceptive and its due to be replaced in may, and i mentioned to him(just to see what he would say) that i wouldnt get it replaced id just get it taken out. When he asked why i said"well we have only had sex once this year and prob wont again so its not like ill need it. To which he answered "Fair enough"

Now this obviously means that he had no intention of havning sex with me again so WTF is going on here!Anytime i bring it up he just goes "OH NOT THIS AGAIN"

I had an affair before cos of the lack of sex and i had told him before it that i wanted to have one and he freaked and promised hed change but he didnt (and i didnt threatn him with an affair - he overheard a phone conversation where i mentioned it) . I had the affair and he found out in the new year, and we talked and he forgave me and promised the sex thing wouldnt be an issue anymore, but it is. Just an hour ago i tried to lure him into bed and all i got was "Ive stuff to do!

Wibbs

The chances are this won't ever change. He just has a lower drive/libido to you. Common enough. I think you do need to look long and hard on whether you can spend your life with this guy without sex or very little sex.

cowzerp

Dont threaten cheating, tell him you will leave him if he does not give you the affection that you crave, ask him why he does not like sex? maybe he is a closet gay? or could of been abused, find out the truth..

astraboy

Weird to be honest is my first response! Most guys like to get it as often as possible. How long have ye been together? I doubt its a case of the sex life simply needing spicing up, as he seems to have little interest. If you get married this will turn into a serious issue over time, if it not already has. Sit him down, talk to him and lay out the situation. You already admitted you have a high sex drive. If he cannot satisfy that you have an issue in the long run.

Aurora Borealis

Sex is an important part of a loving relationship. You need to talk to him and explain how serious this is for you. Threatening cheating though is pretty horrible and certainly wouldn't put me in the mood.

AARRRGH

Was he like this with previous girlfriends?

Have you asked him what exactly the problem is?

I agree with Wibbs that he probably won't change. How do you feel about having a sexless marriage?

How Strange

useful_contacts wrote: »

mentioned to him(just to see what he would say) that i wouldnt get it replaced id just get it taken out. When he asked why i said"well we have only had sex once this year and prob wont again so its not like ill need it. To which he answered "Fair enough"
Now this obviously means that he had no intention of havning sex with me again so WTF is going on here!Anytime i bring it up he just goes "OH NOT THIS AGAIN"

I had an affair before cos of the lack of sex and i had warned him before it that i wanted to have one and he freaked and promised hed change but he didnt. I had the affair and he found out in the new year, and we talked and he forgave me and promised the sex thing wouldnt be an issue anymore, but it is. Just an hour ago i tried to lure him into bed and all i got was "Ive stuff to do!

OP, if you think you are mature enough to get married then you are mature enough to tackle this very serious problem in your relationship. You can't seriously think you will have a happy marriage if you can't even discuss things like this now. Bringing up the matter of your sex life in such an obtuse way is ridiculous. It needs to be discussed openly and honestly. And it's not acceptable for him to act like a petulant teenager whenever you mention sex.

Also, a lack of a sex is no justification for having an affair. You threatened him with an affair, then you had an affair and then you told him about it and the motivation for the affair was his lack of interest in sex. In all honesty, that's alot of pressure to put a person under - if you don't have sex with me I'll have an affair.

You really need to talk to your fiance because you two are nowhere near ready for marriage. Marriage is supposed to be a lifelong commitment but how do you think you will fare in the long term if you can't discuss a fundamental problem in your relationship? As Wibbs said, he may not change so you either have to accept marriage to a man with a low libido which won't satisfy you or make some tough decisions.

biko

Well, this guy won't change even if you get married. This is where you decide whether you want to stay with him any more.

What could be the base for his behaviour? Have you asked him? Perhaps counselling.
Some people have low sex drive but this seems ridiculous. Does drink not get things going?

aye

could you really spend the rest of your life sorting with some who wont have sex with you?
i dont think its fair on you.
i dont think you are ready to get married if you are having affairs.

on a side note does he do any exercise. i have heard that men who dont do exercise have lower libidos as they have a lower testosterone level (weight lifting increase testosterone level before someone asks). just a thought.

useful_contacts

astraboy wrote: »

. How long have ye been together?

i said it in the orginal post im with him 4 years

Aurora Borealis

How Strange wrote: »

OP, if you think you are mature enough to get married then you are mature enough to tackle this very serious problem in your relationship. You can't seriously think you will have a happy marriage if you can't even discuss things like this now.

Also, a lack of a sex is no justification for having an affair. You threatened him with an affair, then you had an affair and then you told him about it and the motivation for the affair was his lack of interest in sex. In all honesty, that's alot of pressure to put a person under - if you don't have sex with me I'll have an affair.

You really need to talk to your fiance because you two are nowhere near ready for marriage.

+1

Differing sex drives a tricky one to tackle indeed but you have to if you want to stay together.

aye

useful_contacts wrote: »

i said it in the orginal post im with him 4 years

was he your first boyfriend?

useful_contacts

dublindude wrote: »

Was he like this with previous girlfriends?

Have you asked him what exactly the problem is?

I agree with Wibbs that he probably won't change. How do you feel about having a sexless marriage?

I was his first Girlfriend but not his sex partner he had a one night stand with some woman a month before he met me

I have asked him and he just says "Oh not this again" he doesnt ever want to talk about it

A sexless marriage is NOT gonna happen id rather die

useful_contacts

How Strange wrote: »

Also, a lack of a sex is no justification for having an affair. You threatened him with an affair, then you had an affair and then you told him about it and the motivation for the affair was his lack of interest in sex. In all honesty, that's alot of pressure to put a person under - if you don't have sex with me I'll have an affair.

i didnt threatn him wityh an affair he overheard me on the phone with my sister where i mentioned how close i was to having an affair, he asked me about it so i told him the truth- i never once said "if you dont have sex with me ill have an affair" and dont assume i did

Mellor

Im not trying to be funny, but if I was "threatened" with an affair, and then cheated on, I wouldn't be jumping into bed either.
I'd likely give the same "fair enough" above if asked about sex for the year,
and i'd probably be looking/getting sex somewhere else.

useful_contacts

biko wrote: »

Some people have low sex drive but this seems ridiculous. Does drink not get things going?

believe it or not drink seems to make him less interested, hes all over me in the pub etc but the second we get home its like "Love u goodnight" and hes gone to sleep

useful_contacts

aye wrote: »

on a side note does he do any exercise. i have heard that men who dont do exercise have lower libidos as they have a lower testosterone level (weight lifting increase testosterone level before someone asks). just a thought.

he goes to the gym 4 times a wek he is v toned and muscular, when i first met him he was a little weed but hes all muscles now

useful_contacts

aye wrote: »

was he your first boyfriend?

no hes been my 6th serious boyfriend

useful_contacts

Mellor wrote: »

Im not trying to be funny, but if I was "threatened" with an affair, and then cheated on, I wouldn't be jumping into bed either.
I'd likely give the same "fair enough" above if asked about sex for the year,
and i'd probably be looking/getting sex somewhere else.

i just answered a similar post i never threatned him with an affair

aye

How Strange wrote: »

Also, a lack of a sex is no justification for having an affair. You threatened him with an affair, then you had an affair and then you told him about it and the motivation for the affair was his lack of interest in sex. In all honesty, that's alot of pressure to put a person under - if you don't have sex with me I'll have an affair.

i dont think there is any justification for an affair, but i would assume lack of sex is probably the main reason people have an affair.

OP you need to decide whether you can put up with this for your life.
you are 22, do you think you can hack 50 years of marriage with a guy who doesnt make you happy (sexually).

i wouldnt rush into this if i was in your shoes.

AARRRGH

useful_contacts wrote:

A sexless marriage is NOT gonna happen id rather die

You need to sort this out ASAP. Either he tells you what's wrong or he goes for therapy. If he's unwilling to do either then break up with him. There is no point staying in a relationship which isn't going to work.

wylo

sounds weird, its not unreasonable to say he might be a closet gay,no excuses for having an affair though, and playing small mind games isnt really on..."i mentioned to him(just to see what he would say) that i wouldnt get it replaced id just get it taken out."

If your going to be marrying him you have to get that issue sorted face to face, simple as that.

aye

useful_contacts wrote: »

no hes been my 6th serious boyfriend

hang on. your 6th serious boyfriend.
you have 5 serious boyfriends before you were 18?

Sherifu

I couldn't stay in a relationship like that.

useful_contacts

Orginal Post Edited

useful_contacts

aye wrote: »

hang on. your 6th serious boyfriend.
you have 5 serious boyfriends before you were 18?

serious to me is longer than 6 months

My 1st bf was when i was 10 (6 months) (i know when ur 10 it shuldnt count but i always counted it)

My 2nd when i was 12(a year and a half) (lost my virginity to him)

my 3rd when i was 14(2 and a half years)

my 4th when i was 17(6 months)

my 5th when i was 17 again (6 months) he was 24 and i fell for him big time which is why i considered it serious

so two in terms of how long but i always counted 6 months or over as serious

Miss Fluff

useful_contacts wrote: »

A sexless marriage is NOT gonna happen id rather die

I think you know the answer then OP. If he won't engage in discussion and therapy then get out of the "relationship" you are in, it is completely and utterly unreasonable to expect you to exist in a sexless relationship.

AARRRGH

useful_contacts wrote:

My 1st bf was when i was 10 (6 months)

My 2nd when i was 12(a year and a half)

my 3rd when i was 14(2 and a half years)

Oh gimme a break...

There's lots of people here kindly sparing their time to give you good advice.

Is this just a wind up?

useful_contacts

dublindude wrote: »

Oh gimme a break...

There's lots of people here kindly sparing their time to give you good advice.

Is this just a wind up?

how is it a wind up exactly? Is there some age limit for when your allowed to start having boyfriends- If there is i have not heard it

aye

useful_contacts wrote: »

serious to me is longer than 6 months

My 1st bf was when i was 10 (6 months) (i know when ur 10 it shuldnt count but i always counted it)


My 2nd when i was 12(a year and a half) (lost my virginity to him)

my 3rd when i was 14(2 and a half years)

my 4th when i was 17(6 months)

my 5th when i was 17 again (6 months)

so two in terms of how long but i always counted 6 months or over as serious

:rolleyes:

would you not think that the fact that you were 10, 12, 14 mean they werent serious?

maybe when you were 17 you thought that they might lead somewhere.


anyway, i just wonder if you are rushing into getting married for some reason.
you'll have to talk to the guy, but i dont think his libido is going to change. at 26 it should be fairly high!
so you need to think if you can handle a sexless marriage, which you have already said you cant.
next step?

useful_contacts

aye wrote: »

:rolleyes:

would you not think that the fact that you were 10, 12, 14 mean they werent serious?

maybe when you were 17 you thought that they might lead somewhere.


anyway, i just wonder if you are rushing into getting married for some reason.
you'll have to talk to the guy, but i dont think his libido is going to change. at 26 it should be fairly high!
so you need to think if you can handle a sexless marriage, which you have already said you cant.
next step?

at the time i loved them- and losing my virginity to someone when you have been with them a year and a half is serious to me

And im not rushing intoo marriage im with him the last four years and i have NO intention of getting married until im at least 30

Nevyn

Sounds like are enguaged to your friend rather then a bf and a man you intend to marry.
I suggest you end the 'relationship' and find someone more suited.

AARRRGH

Look, it sounds like you have a very immature idea of what a relationship is, so I find it a bit shocking that you're about to get married.

You're already cheating on your partner, and he doesn't want to have sex with you.

The relationship sounds doomed tbh.

useful_contacts

what has the amount of boyfriends i have had in the past got to do with the problem i have now,i started dating young- yes- big deal

I lost my virginity young- Yes - Big deal

Whats it got to do with the problem i have now?

AARRRGH

You think a relationship you had at 10 is a serious relationship.

I'm sorry, but that's something I would expect a child or a person with special needs to say.

If you think a relationship you had aged 10 was a serious relationship, I would have extreme doubts you are (at minimum!) ready to get married.

Miss Fluff

So you lost your virginity at 12 OP?:eek:

useful_contacts

dublindude wrote: »

Look, it sounds like you have a very immature idea of what a relationship is, so I find it a bit shocking that you're about to get married.

You're already cheating on your partner, and he doesn't want to have sex with you.

The relationship sounds doomed tbh.

I am not ABOUT to get married- start reading the posts fully, i have already said I have no intention of getting married until i am at least 30

And i WAS cheating on him- i am not now

Start reading my posts proplery and stop drawing out hasty and wrong conclusions

aye

useful_contacts wrote: »

at the time i loved them- and losing my virginity to someone when you have been with them a year and a half is serious to me

And im not rushing intoo marriage im with him the last four years and i have NO intention of getting married until im at least 30

yeh with him the last four years.
but since you were 12 you have been with someone pretty much constantly.
you have been on your own maybe at 6 months at a time.
its always a good idea to be single for a while to discover what you want in life. its been advised on this forum so often to people.
i'm not trying to have a go at you OP, just something you might wanna think about.

useful_contacts

dublindude wrote: »

You think a relationship you had at 10 is a serious relationship.

I'm sorry, but that's something I would expect a child or a person with special needs to say.

If you think a relationship you had aged 10 was a serious relationship, I would have extreme doubts you are (at minimum!) ready to get married.

Once again HOW is this got to do with my problem now, Sounds to be your just bulling for an argument, and for the 40TH time i never said i was about to get married

AARRRGH

useful_contacts wrote: »

I am not ABOUT to get married- start reading the posts fully

The title of this thread is "Fiance wont sleep with me".

You normally get engaged when you plan to get married.

useful_contacts

Miss Fluff wrote: »

So you lost your virginity at 12 OP?:eek:

ya, peer pressure, didnt want to but got the whole"ill dump you if you dont" line, and i didnt want to be the only girl in our gang without a bf, Regretted it so much though and still do

aye

useful_contacts wrote: »

Once again HOW is this got to do with my problem now, Sounds to be your just bulling for an argument, and for the 40TH time i never said i was about to get married

calm down. people are here trying to give you advise. the question about the relationships i aked because i was wondering if you were rushing into getting married with the first guy you met.
evidently you arent, but i still think you need time alone.

useful_contacts

dublindude wrote: »

The title of this thread is "Fiance wont sleep with me".

You normally get engaged when you plan to get married.

Yes in america they do, I want a long engagment

I am not talking about this anymore my past relationships have nothing to do with this and im not answering any more of your posts your only stirring stuff.

Miss Fluff

useful_contacts wrote: »

Yes in america they do, I want a long engagment

I am not talking about this anymore my past relationships have nothing to do with this and im not answering any more of your posts your only stirring stuff.

Being completely honest OP, regardless of this current issue you genuinely don't come accross as mature enough to even contemplate marriage.

AARRRGH

No I'm trying to point out how you have an extremely immature idea of what a relationship is, and that you being engaged to a guy who won't sleep with you is probably an extension of that.

Even the fact that you got engaged so young and want to still be engaged at 30. Sounds odd...

useful_contacts

aye wrote: »

yeh with him the last four years.
but since you were 12 you have been with someone pretty much constantly.
you have been on your own maybe at 6 months at a time.
its always a good idea to be single for a while to discover what you want in life. its been advised on this forum so often to people.
i'm not trying to have a go at you OP, just something you might wanna think about.

Honestly i have thought about that before- It seems I was always in a relationship, I have always lived by the saying"Your no one until someone loves you" and it looks like its coming back to bite me in the ass

aye

dublindude wrote: »

No I'm trying to point out how you have an extremely immature idea of what a relationship is, and that you being engaged to a guy who won't sleep with you is probably an extension of that.

bingo

TEDDYBEAR90

Did he always have a low libido or have you only noticed it recently?
Is it possible that he might be having affairs as well?

useful_contacts

Miss Fluff wrote: »

Being completely honest OP, regardless of this current issue you genuinely don't come accross as mature enough to even contemplate marriage.

wel thats your opnion miss fluff, Like i said its not an issue for at least another few years,I just dont appriciate other posters drawing hasty concluisions from misread posts, hence the hostility!!!

Silverfish

useful_contacts wrote: »

I am not ABOUT to get married- start reading the posts fully, i have already said I have no intention of getting married until i am at least 30

And i WAS cheating on him- i am not now

Start reading my posts proplery and stop drawing out hasty and wrong conclusions

Does he know you cheated on him?

useful_contacts

TEDDYBEAR90 wrote: »

Did he always have a low libido or have you only noticed it recently?
Is it possible that he might be having affairs as well?

Ya he has always been like this, and it never bothered me as much before,its only the last year and a half it seems to be bothering me

honestly i dont think he would have time to have an affair- We work together so i see him all day, we come home and we go to the gym, etc

The only time Id say i dont see him is when he goes on his guys nights out, and even then i know he was actually out cos we have the same group of friends and if he said he would go out and didnt they would be calling me asking where he was