should i be jealous?

macbarbie

Ok Girlies,

I wanna see if im just a weirdo or if im right to be jealous...

My boyfriend is spending loads of time with one of his mates(hes not gay)
jus playing football, pro evo, lads stuff like... but were together two years and he never spent this much time b4, its like every weekend and durin the week and textin and all..... i was kinda pissed off but now its gone too far...

i bought him tickets to a band who are playin this month and april, i couldn go this month so i got ones for april as a suprise... he was delighted and told his mate last week, then yesterday his mate shows up and suprises him with 2 tickets to the one this month..... im like wtf???

and last week he bought him a jersy and wen he went to give him the money he was like no no mate your grand its a present from me...

i Am right to feel jealous of there new friendship and angry about all this??

Macha

It's funny how everything can be seen as either normal or threatening depending on one's frame of mind or mood at the time. It's a slippy slope & once you start viewing this guy as invading on your relationship, you're going to analyse everything he does critically.

IMO the magic key to every relationship is communication. Talk to your boyfriend & tell him that you're feeling a bit of tension with his friend & that you feel he's trying to 'compete' with you for attention (ie ticket fiasco) and time.

Maybe his friend is going through a hard time & is leaning on your boyfriend??

macbarbie

yeah well he broke up with his girlfriend b4 xmas maybe thats why......

like i understand if this is why but at the same time i want him to back off... im not competing like... thats not fair.

i spoke to my bf and he was like oh so i cant have friends, freaked out and end of subject, he has loadsa friends and im cool with them its just this chapo is takin the piss....

whiskeyman

macbarbie wrote: »

its just this chapo is takin the piss....

the break up has obviously hurt him, and he needs a good friend like your b/f to forgot about things and enjoy himself.
Wanting him to 'back off' is nonsense. He's not being nowhere near as intrusive as he could be. (I've seen a lot worse, especially wimmin!!).

Imagine the scenario reversed?
I think you'll find your overreacting.

Just wait til this friend hooks up with some girl, and you'll probably never hear from him again!

Sherifu

From your post I don't see anything wrong. Two guys who sound like good friends. If he's not spending enough time with you then tell him that.

macbarbie

ok cool, jus the tickets thing pissed me off and like his mate wont go out if im goin too, the rest of his mates do..... and its not tat he doesnt like me i only met him once for 5 mins.....

he jus wants him to himself... il see if it calms down...... stay cool for a while

john_aero

there is probably no harm in just talking to your boyfriend. if i was him i would want to know as you OH may not know your feeling bit insecure. tell him.

also i know men can get very bad after break ups. my friend wanted me spend all my time with him after he broke up and used get think when i wanted be with OH. men can get very jealous when they are on their own and their friends have a g/f. so just say it to your OH and he will more than likely understand and make more effrot with you again

Loopy

I can understand where you coming from. The tickets thing would p1ss me off to, especially since he knew you had gotten them for april.

Talk to your bf and say although your not jealous but you do miss spending time with him, or even if he included you in their little twosome a bit more. Fair enough your bf is prob just lookin out for his mate who has recently become single which is admirable but at what cost to his own relationship?

Cathkins

To be honest it sounds like you're being overly paranoid about the scenario or you're just insecure in the relationship! As others have said you might feel differently if it was him telling you that you're spending too much time with your best friend!

What you did was good in talking to him but I'm not really suprised with his reaction - you need to realise that you both need you're independance and you shouldn't need be in each other pockets! For him probably he realises this more with the fact that his mate had a recent break up. He perhaps sees this friend as someone outside of your relationship that will be there for him regardless and he needs to be there for him too. It's a guy thing or so I'm told

Just tell him if you're feeling neglected but don't pressure him over it or you'll just end up driving him away with smell of clingyness!
With regards to the ticket thing - maybe he had planned to go with him before this and didn't wanna spoil your night together with the boyfriend? Could be more harmless than you're making it out!

macbarbie

ok il back off for a while see how it goes, maybe im jus bein paranoid, prob coz im not used to it. This has all only started the last month....
and im prob lookin too into it....

he kissed a girl outa work when we where only together a month but we sorted things out and stayed together but it was at this fellas 21st... he met him in the same job he met her so maybe its jus the associations attached to him that makes me paranoid about him...

aye

ok as a guy, i can understand your bf hanging out with his mate a bit. when guys are going through a rough time, we tend to try and keep them occupied and stuff.

however, the ticket thing is weird and the jersey thing is werid.
not one of my mates would buy me a jersey for no reason, other than a birthday.
and if they did i'd be a bit weirded out to be honest.
guys just tend not to buy presents for no reason.

randombar

I second that one, I'm good friends with the lads and all of that but I would never get one of them a present just cause . .

That to me is a bit weird, and I know ye might think they're just maybe better friends etc etc but i dunno . . ..

john_aero

macbarbie wrote: »

ok il back off for a while see how it goes, maybe im jus bein paranoid, prob coz im not used to it. This has all only started the last month....
and im prob lookin too into it....

he kissed a girl outa work when we where only together a month but we sorted things out and stayed together but it was at this fellas 21st... he met him in the same job he met her so maybe its jus the associations attached to him that makes me paranoid about him...

ok i would say go with your gut feeling. it is sounding very strange to be honest. if he is not being very co-operative when your trying talk to him about it then he is being a right prik realy. relate this to a bigger isuue, what if in the future soething bigger was happening, do you want to have to deal with him pushing ieverything to the side when you try talk to him?

macbarbie

oh thank god use a agree i thought i was bein weird..... he also bought him tickets to two other gigs recently.... like im seein ppls point of views about bein there for his mate and the spendin time thing, maybe im bein paranoid... but the whole buyin him suprises thing.......weird


oh and he bought him a cd 3 weeks ago... and keeps cooking him dinner......

but its the tickets thing thats gettin me the most... i know my OH is not gay but maybe his mate is...

john_aero

personaly the gay issue i think is not the main problem.

the fact that he is neglecting the issue where you feel slightly uncomfortable and he wouldnt even disguss it like an adult with you is to me a huge issue

Balmed Out

That guy is a complete weirdo and your bf should tell him where to go. Its grand spending time, no probs there. Buying gifts is a bitt weird but no reason to hang him. Not going out because you are when he seems to be your bf's best friend is complete bs and shouldnt be tolerated.

scoot on

One of my bf's best buddys had just broken up with his gf when we started going out. I didn't really take any notice at the very start because myself and my bf were in the lovely dovey stage and stayed in watching DVD's together at the weekend but as we came out of the honeymoon period his buddy was still going through a mad phase because of the break up (there was a kid involved and it was a bit messy). We actually spent our first Valentines in the pub with his buddy. Looking back now I can't believe his friend actually came down to us but he rang when we were down there and called in for a few drinks. It did bug me from time to time and I'd say it to my bf but it never seriously bothered me. Don't ever make him choose, that's not fair. If it's annoying you sometimes say it to your bf but not in a nagging way. Trust me, it'll run it's course as soon as his buddy gets over this breakup and finds a new girl he won't be seen for dust.

Jesus Wept

Sounds like a bromance.

macbarbie

The-Rigger wrote: »

Sounds like a bromance.

wow thats really interesting, i never heard that b4, but you could be right.....

macbarbie

john_aero wrote: »

personaly the gay issue i think is not the main problem.

the fact that he is neglecting the issue where you feel slightly uncomfortable and he wouldnt even disguss it like an adult with you is to me a huge issue

yeah thanks for pointing that out, maybe i should tell him he needs to be more mature and speak to me when iv an issue!

macbarbie

scoot on wrote: »

. Trust me, it'll run it's course as soon as his buddy gets over this breakup and finds a new girl he won't be seen for dust.

Thanks for this, I hope your right hun!

Dragan

macbarbie wrote: »

yeah well he broke up with his girlfriend b4 xmas maybe thats why......

like i understand if this is why but at the same time i want him to back off... im not competing like... thats not fair.

i spoke to my bf and he was like oh so i cant have friends, freaked out and end of subject, he has loadsa friends and im cool with them its just this chapo is takin the piss....

Exactly. Your not competing.

The same way as you would look after a mate and make sure you spent more time with them if they broke up with their partner....or the same way YOU would seek that comfort if you and your fella broke up.

If you guys are together for 2 years with no major issues your boyfriend is working off the assumption that you are solid, and can go through times like these to help others and not have it affect you in a bad way.

If that is not the case i suggest you let him know.

Alternately, say that while you really respect what he is doing for his mate you want to see him more.

He's your ****ing boyfriend for christ sake, give him a bit of credit and maybe try talking to HIM about it?

homerjay2005

well i found myself in a similair suituation about 6 months ago, but on the opposite side. i broke up with my ex after 4 years. i was mates with a lad at work, but not great mates as i didnt really know him. when i became single, i started going out a lot more and got to know him alot better and suddenly, his girlfriend, who i never met and still aint, hates me.

now he is one of me best mates, we support same team etc and would talk/text alot. she is basically jealous that when he is out with me, im forcing him into scoring with other girls,just because im single now(though have a new girlfriend for past few months), when its the opposite. i would kill him if he cheated on her (even though she is acting like a child), but he wouldnt anyway.she reads all my texts to him, checks my bebo page everytime when we go out for photos of girls etc......and has lost the plot a few times with him over me. totally crazy like, just driving him away really.

so what i am saying, is maybe he just wants some freedom from you at times, but at the end of the day, its just lads being lads. leave him be and do the same yourself, if you nag him about this, then he will get p**sed off with you and rightly so.

Sherifu

*cough*

Eviledna

OP, get to know this friend better, it is the only way to really know what exactly is going on. I'd say it's the unknown factor here that has made the toe-steppage so abundant.
If all else fails, go out with your bf and the other guy, and pee all around him:D Mark that territory!:D Ah no, just kidding, but the friend is definitely crossing a boundary here.

Also, you might find that if u express an interest in getting to know this other guy very very well, your bf might be less inclined to be hanging around with him all the time? Just a thought...

Miss Sunshine

eviledna wrote: »

but the friend is definitely crossing a boundary here.

Finally! I was really suprised that so many people didn't agree with you. This guy is most definetly crossing a boundary. Ok, spending lots of time with your bf is understandable, he just came out of a relationship, etc. Also guys don't think about giving their mates time with their girlfriends.

But he keeps buying him gifts, cooking him dinner!! To me, it sounds like he thinks HE'S the one dating your boyfriend. I don't know of any guys that spontaneously by their other male friends presents, and the frequency of it is also another reason for concern.

You are perfectly right to be annoyed and weirded out, and tbh, I'm suprised your boyfriend isn't. If I had a female friend was giving me that much attention, i would think it is weird.

Ickle Magoo

The very fact you have posted shows he has crossed what you see as an appropriate boundary. Of course your fella should be able to become a bit distant from you to support a friend in need but when I read about gifts & dinner being cooked & the friend buying tickets for the same gig but a month earlier it struck me that he is trying to make a competition out of it.

I don't know if he's doing it out of spite, pity or loneliness, tho.

echosound

Agreed with Dragan. talk to your BF about it.

However, I wouldn't necessarily get overly freaked out by the buying of tickets to gigs or cooking of dinner, some people like doing stuff for others, others not so much. that goes for both male and female people. I don't think it screams mancrush TBH.

eg - A good few years back, a male mate of both myself and my husbands (we were only going out at that stage though) was very grateful to us for various reasons (financial and friendshipwise, a shoulder to lean on,so to speak) and he'd often cook dinner for us as a thank you as he didn't have much money to say, buy a round of drinks in a pub to express his gratitude at having good friends. Not that he had to anyway, as friendship is a two way street and we didn't expect anything of him bar friendship in return, but he wanted to show us that he appreciated us being there for him anyway.

Anyway, why not try to get to know this friend better? Then you could all spend some time together without your BF feeling he has to choose between spending time with his GF and supporting his friend who has just come through a breakup. Your time with your BF doesn't have to be always exclusively just the two of you, why not go out as a group now and again with this guy?

and one more thought that has just struck me - perhaps your BF is spending a lot of time with his friend "without you" as the friend wants a shoulder to cry on and wouldn't feel comfortable putting you in that position of listening to his woes, or indeed he may not feel comfortable talking to anyone bar a few friends (ie your BF) about it? I know anytime a female friend of mine has split up they only feel comfortable confiding in me one on one rather than to a "couple", and vice versa with my DH - if one of his friends is going through something, often the friend would feel better just offloading to his male mate with no-one else in earshot. Give it a bit of time for the friend to get himself straightened out again and it'll all be back to normal I bet.

Xavi6

echosound wrote: »

Agreed with Dragan. talk to your BF about it.

However, I wouldn't necessarily get overly freaked out by the buying of tickets to gigs or cooking of dinner, some people like doing stuff for others, others not so much. that goes for both male and female people. I don't think it screams mancrush TBH.

As I guy I would find it weird to be getting random presents for no particular reason. I'd say there's method in the madness.

echosound wrote: »

eg - A good few years back, a male mate of both myself and my husbands (we were only going out at that stage though) was very grateful to us for various reasons (financial and friendshipwise, a shoulder to lean on,so to speak) and he'd often cook dinner for us as a thank you as he didn't have much money to say, buy a round of drinks in a pub to express his gratitude at having good friends. Not that he had to anyway, as friendship is a two way street and we didn't expect anything of him bar friendship in return, but he wanted to show us that he appreciated us being there for him anyway.

Completely different scenario.

The guy in your case was sayng thank you in the only way he could afford to. And he was doing it for both of you. In the OP's case the friend clearly has a bit of cash to splash for no particular reason. Plain and simple, it's weird.

macbarbie

thank you everyone for all your advice......appreciate it big time!!

i spoke to him about it over the weekend..... the response was.... hes just a good mate, i really get on with him and i see no harm in spendin this time with him...im not doing anythin wrong....its not my fault uv a prob with him.. you need to get over it....you dont even know him...

so of course i said ok wel il get to know him.... and he said no... why do you need to? hes my mate... you dont need to know him and plus ul never get the chance coz all my mates are single so wen we go out its all jus lads ud be out of place..... its not my fault u havin got a mate this close.. if you did id be cool with it so i dont see your problem...

thats the gist of it... although alot more harsh... i believe one of the phrases he came out with was shut up or out up.. i cant handle fights like this so i jus ended the conversation as i was crying.

I dont know..... its bothering me more than ever now after talkin about it...

At the end of the day i do love this guy.....

Xavi6

macbarbie wrote: »

thank you everyone for all your advice......appreciate it big time!!

i spoke to him about it over the weekend..... the response was.... hes just a good mate, i really get on with him and i see no harm in spendin this time with him...im not doing anythin wrong....its not my fault uv a prob with him.. you need to get over it....you dont even know him...

so of course i said ok wel il get to know him.... and he said no... why do you need to? hes my mate... you dont need to know him and plus ul never get the chance coz all my mates are single so wen we go out its all jus lads ud be out of place..... its not my fault u havin got a mate this close.. if you did id be cool with it so i dont see your problem...

thats the gist of it... although alot more harsh... i believe one of the phrases he came out with was shut up or out up.. i cant handle fights like this so i jus ended the conversation as i was crying.

I dont know..... its bothering me more than ever now after talkin about it...

At the end of the day i do love this guy.....

:eek: Well now I definitely believe there's something dodgy going on. Seriously you can't stand for that bullsh*t.

macbarbie

yeah... well like talkin didnt work... i jus got upset and frustrated..... so wat else will i do??? i was thinkin... start goin out with one of my mates loads... but i dont wanna play games... nor use my friend..... maybe ignore him to show its really botherin me?

Xavi6

macbarbie wrote: »

yeah... well like talkin didnt work... i jus got upset and frustrated..... so wat else will i do??? i was thinkin... start goin out with one of my mates loads... but i dont wanna play games... nor use my friend..... maybe ignore him to show its really botherin me?

Ignoring him and the problem is not the answer.

Look with my gf I WANT her to get to know my mates, and all my mates are of the same idea. What he is doing is strange and really unacceptable in your relationship. Have you considered that he may be batting for both teams? A bit extreme I know but the behaviour of both him and the mate aren't usual.

She Devil

You come first .. end of story!!!!!
I'd go mental, my friend is in a similiar situation ... This guy goes out with his newly single mate all the time ... i think its wrong!
I feel sorry for ya gal, chin up xx

aye

macbarbie wrote: »

thank you everyone for all your advice......appreciate it big time!!

i spoke to him about it over the weekend..... the response was.... hes just a good mate, i really get on with him and i see no harm in spendin this time with him...im not doing anythin wrong....its not my fault uv a prob with him.. you need to get over it....you dont even know him...

so of course i said ok wel il get to know him.... and he said no... why do you need to? hes my mate... you dont need to know him and plus ul never get the chance coz all my mates are single so wen we go out its all jus lads ud be out of place..... its not my fault u havin got a mate this close.. if you did id be cool with it so i dont see your problem...

thats the gist of it... although alot more harsh... i believe one of the phrases he came out with was shut up or out up.. i cant handle fights like this so i jus ended the conversation as i was crying.

I dont know..... its bothering me more than ever now after talkin about it...

At the end of the day i do love this guy.....

he sounds like a dick to be honest.
so what if his mates are single, my mate brings his girlfiend out with us, doesnt matter to us at all. its actaully good to a have a girl in the crew, female perspective.

kick him in the nuts OP.

macbarbie

She Devil wrote: »

You come first .. end of story!!!!!
I'd go mental, my friend is in a similiar situation ... This guy goes out with his newly single mate all the time ... i think its wrong!
I feel sorry for ya gal, chin up xx

Thank you hun.....x

its even worse that there all single!! they went to that gig anyway and after they all went out to barcode outside of town... and he said to me... was stupid there all lookin for birds they shoulda stayed in town... if was single i woulda coz the wales and ireland match was on so there be loadsa girls in town after it......i dont care though i have you..

the last bit was nice... but ya know wat i mean.....

macbarbie

aye wrote: »

he sounds like a dick to be honest.
so what if his mates are single, my mate brings his girlfiend out with us, doesnt matter to us at all. its actaully good to a have a girl in the crew, female perspective.

kick him in the nuts OP.

oh really?? he said no way would he bring me out with all the lads thats jus stupid.. id be outa place and no1 would want me there... i thought this was normal coz a bunch of lads like!

as he said shut up or put up... a kick in the nuts sounds effective though!!

macbarbie

Xavi6 wrote: »

Ignoring him and the problem is not the answer.

Look with my gf I WANT her to get to know my mates, and all my mates are of the same idea. What he is doing is strange and really unacceptable in your relationship. Have you considered that he may be batting for both teams? A bit extreme I know but the behaviour of both him and the mate aren't usual.

he jus said why do you need to know my mates, there nothin to with me ya know....

but i know them all except this chap as hes never there when i am..... and its mainly wen i bring him up he gets like this...

Eviledna

The last time I had a boyf that was constantly going out without me with a 'single' friend that didn't want to get to know me, I found out that he was cheating on me and didn't trust the friend not to let it out.
When I dumped his ass I was so annoyed that I had been so blind to the obvious covering-up and felt like a right eejit. Not to mention me being absolutely made a fool of for 4 years.

I amn't saying that is happening here, but your boyf's attitude is not gonna help the suspicion. It sucks that you are going through this, and you are right, playing games with him like going out only with your single friends really doesn't work (again, I tried that and it really didn't help, especially when the reaction from the boyf is apathy).

Options:
1) Next time he is going out, send a friend to the same place that he doesn't know/recognise and see if she would class his behaviour as appropriate
2) Tell your boyf that you are not going to be reassured until you get to know this guy. If he says no way again, reconsider option 1.
3) Consider your other single friends both male and female, and start being more than available for them, in every way.
Now, time to cool it with your boyf, considerably. Show him that he doesn't deserve your company solely on his terms. You can do it, even if it seems really out of character for you. Sometimes being unpredictable is all a girl has in a situation like this.

As a final tip, notice how your original post was to do with your problem with your boyf's friend. Now notice how your attention has turned to your boyf and how you feel about him at the moment. Truth surfaces eventually.

Best of luck you poor thing.

aye

macbarbie wrote: »

oh really?? he said no way would he bring me out with all the lads thats jus stupid.. id be outa place and no1 would want me there... i thought this was normal coz a bunch of lads like!

as he said shut up or put up... a kick in the nuts sounds effective though!!

yeh, most of my friends would bring their gf out with us. how else are we meant to get to know them?
i can understand sometimes wanting a night with the lads, but i wouldnt ever not want to introduce a gf to my mates, especially if my mate was a best mate, then i'd be more inclined to introduce them.

i'd be insulted if a gf told me i couldnt meet her mates cos i'd be outta place.

macbarbie

eviledna wrote: »

The last time I had a boyf that was constantly going out without me with a 'single' friend that didn't want to get to know me, I found out that he was cheating on me and didn't trust the friend not to let it out.
When I dumped his ass I was so annoyed that I had been so blind to the obvious covering-up and felt like a right eejit. Not to mention me being absolutely made a fool of for 4 years.

I amn't saying that is happening here, but your boyf's attitude is not gonna help the suspicion. It sucks that you are going through this, and you are right, playing games with him like going out only with your single friends really doesn't work (again, I tried that and it really didn't help, especially when the reaction from the boyf is apathy).

Options:
1) Next time he is going out, send a friend to the same place that he doesn't know/recognise and see if she would class his behaviour as appropriate
2) Tell your boyf that you are not going to be reassured until you get to know this guy. If he says no way again, reconsider option 1.
3) Consider your other single friends both male and female, and start being more than available for them, in every way.
Now, time to cool it with your boyf, considerably. Show him that he doesn't deserve your company solely on his terms. You can do it, even if it seems really out of character for you. Sometimes being unpredictable is all a girl has in a situation like this.

As a final tip, notice how your original post was to do with your problem with your boyf's friend. Now notice how your attention has turned to your boyf and how you feel about him at the moment. Truth surfaces eventually.

Best of luck you poor thing.

Thank you hun thats really helpfull.... i got that pain in my heart wen you mentioned the cheating though, ya know the horrible feeling in your chest like fear..... i really hope thats not the reason, fingers crossed, my last two boyfriends cheated on me... i think im too nice!!

But yeah them options are great thanks again, il go with 2. put the foot down, at the end of the day wats the point in a relationship without trust and now i jus feel suspicious....


now im startin to think of other things, like wen he goes out with him he never texts me, he always says his battery went or he forgot his phone...

oh god im all scared now!! fingers crossed

macbarbie

aye wrote: »

yeh, most of my friends would bring their gf out with us. how else are we meant to get to know them?
i can understand sometimes wanting a night with the lads, but i wouldnt ever not want to introduce a gf to my mates, especially if my mate was a best mate, then i'd be more inclined to introduce them.

i'd be insulted if a gf told me i couldnt meet her mates cos i'd be outta place.

ok cheers... now i know thats not the norm il say that to him.... that most ppl go out with their OH mates and know them etc!! cheers!!

Sherifu

macbarbie wrote: »

il go with 2. put the foot down, at the end of the day wats the point in a relationship without trust and now i jus feel suspicious....

That's not really trust imo but if you feel you need to do something you should. Hope it works out for you.

macbarbie

Sherifu wrote: »

That's not really trust imo but if you feel you need to do something you should. Hope it works out for you.

thats what i mean.. like im startin to question my trust and loose it... i dont want this.... so il try sort it out coz otherwise theirs no point...ya know?

And thanks for the support x

MattKid

There is the outside chance he is trying to tempt your Boyf back to the single life so they can have a laugh and go out on the pull.

I say try and get to know him a bit better and set him up with a suitable friend

all the stars

hi, so i read most of the posts .. i kinda figure if you dont trust your man- there is no point being in a relationship. Also, if you cant communicate properly, about important stuff- there is no point. They are kinda the two most important things in a relationship.
Im with my man 7 years now, and absolutely have trust in him.

You need to be able to have your own lives, friends, nights out and all that - you are 2 individuals in a relationship.
However, i know my mans mates, they never a problem if i go out on a lads night as i wouldnt be all around him & am comfortable to sit wherever & join in on whatever chat is going on.. However, i respect that they are his mates and give the space to go be a lad also.

If when you try to talk your just shut down, with an aggressive attitude and no reasoning - thats not on really, you need to be able to be heard and if he aint doin right by you - remember your worth as a person and make steps to have a happy hassle free life. Not saying dump him or anything - just life is short and if your not happy - you have to do something for your self whatever that may be.

I understand you love him, - however, nothing in life is certain- and at any stage life can change drastically, and while he is your man - he is not your possession. Just think about the future. If you cant see the ending you want - you will have to do something to get where you want to be.
Hopefully this came out right, and you dont pick me up wrong.. life is too short to be unhappy..
You dont know how long you will be here, so make sure you enjoy it!

Eviledna

MacBarbie, any updates? Did you ever figure what the friend was up to, or has it been resolved at all?

I hope it worked out for the best!;)