Am I over reacting?? Is this it?

LegacyUser

The man that lives in my house....who I will refer to as D*ck from now on has really done it this time. With no mention of Mothers Day at arounf midday yesterday I mentioned it to him, as it didn't look like he was going to, he told me he had a surprise planned for later in the day and I got all excited. Spent the whole day building myself up, even went to B&Q shopping for a drill for him (oh the excitement)....so the hours passed, I fed DS and put him to bed. 8.30pm, couldnt hold it in any more...."So where's this surprise??" Girls, I nearly strangled him, there was nothing, he had hoped to "pop to tesco and grab a card during the day". I spent the evening in tears and am most certainly not talking to him, this morning he acts as if nothing had happend....the cheek!!!!

This is after only a few weeks ago, for valentines day I got nothing again and ended up really upset, accepted his apology and his promise to be more thoughtful.

Two weeks ago was his birthday, I organised (in between working, cleaning the house and looking after our son) a huge surprise party, spent a lot money and put in a huge amount of effort.

It just seems really selfish to me, I didnt want a huge pressie or anything, a card and a cuppa in bed would have done it.

I just don't know what to do, I love him dearly and he's a brilliant dad, but I don't want to spend my life with someone I consider to be incredibly selfish.

My mum says "play him at his own game", don't do anything nice for him and see how he feels, but I'm just not like that, and I don't think I should have to do that to get a little appreciation. I have talked to him about this numerous times.

This was my first mothers day, a day I will never ever have again. I'm welling up now typing this so I'll have to stop, can't be sitting at my desk in work crying.

Please give me some advice.

Faith

I understand you getting upset about Valentine's day, but Mother's day? You're not your husbands mother. It's always been my impression that Mother's Day is a time for kids to get something for their mums, not partners. I don't think my dad has ever gotten my mum something for Mother's day.

Don't forget that "holidays" like Mother's day, Father's day, Valentine's day etc are made-up commercial rip-offs. They have no real value. I appreciate my mother every day of the year, not just once in March when Hallmark tell me to. If he forgot your birthday, it'd be worth getting upset over.

Relax, put it into perspective. Sure, it was a bit thoughtless but it's not that big a deal, IMO. Others may disagree, of course...

AARRRGH

I don't understand why you expected your partner to give you something on Mothers day...

EDIT: After thinking about this a bit more I can see why it would have been nice to do something on Mothers day with your partner

Dizzyblonde

I think the lack of effort shows he takes you for granted, and since your child is too young to mark the occasion, he should have done something.

LaVidaLoca

to know how important made-up holidays are to you.

Besides which, you're not his mother. You're (from what I gather) his flatmate.

"This was my first mothers day, a day I will never ever have again. I'm welling up now typing this so I'll have to stop, can't be sitting at my desk in work crying."

Jesus, this makes me wanna slap on a false moustache and time-travel back to the 1950's so I could throw a glass of cold water over you and say "Get yourself together you irrational woman."

Stop being such a freaking victim. Jesus.

funky_monkey

I think it is a big deal. I would feel exactly the same. Your first mother's day should be very special and he should of at least made the effort.
I agree with Faith that these days are just commerical crap but that's not really the point.

Explain to him how you feel cos' if you keep it to yourself you will just get angrier and angrier. I think the worst thing about this situation is the fact he said he had a surprise planned for later. That is so thoughtless, you would have thought he would do something them.

Hope it works out for you:)

Hrududu

Yes, I think you are over reacting. You are not his mother.

Sherifu

Faith wrote: »

I understand you getting upset about Valentine's day, but Mother's day? You're not your husbands mother.

dublindude wrote: »

I don't understand why you expected your partner to give you something on Mothers day...

I can't understand it either.

GAAman

Sherifu wrote: »

I can't understand it either.

I am guessing "DS" is their child? If so then it is perfectly understandable as you can hardly expect a child to go ramblin to the shops etc

Op also mentioned valentines day and gettin nothin and after all the trouble she went to he did nothin for her

Op he is a selfish swine imho make him see what its like and do nothin for him make him look after himself see how far he gets

little lady

I don't think that it's a huge deal that nothing was done for Mothers Day by your partner but I can see why your upset.

Generally (as far as I'm aware) if the child is to young to buy something for the parent then the partner buys it on behalf of the child to give to the mother or father.

funky_monkey

GAAman wrote: »

I am guessing "DS" is their child? If so then it is perfectly understandable as you can hardly expect a child to go ramblin to the shops etc

Op also mentioned valentines day and gettin nothin and after all the trouble she went to he did nothin for her

Op he is a selfish swine imho make him see what its like and do nothin for him make him look after himself see how far he gets

Obviously men don't understand this issue! When you have your first kid GAAman would you get your wife a card or anything?

Leeby

Sherifu wrote: »

I can't understand it either.

It was her first mothers day so yes her partner should have made the effort, my father never gets my mother anything for mothers day but when we were very young and couldn't get anything ourselves he'd give us flowers or something to give to her.
The fact that she was upset over Valentines day should have made it clear to him that these days matter to her (doesn't matter what our opinion on commercial holdays are, he knew her opinion after he messed up on Valentines), and the fact that she mentioned mothers day that morning and he lied and told her he had a surprise for her when in fact he had nothing would make me think she does have a right to be a bit peed off with him.

Sleepy

funky_monkey, yes we understand the issue: women in general are more inclined to buy into the crap that Hallmark sell them.

OP, get over yourself.

GAAman

funky_monkey wrote: »

Obviously men don't understand this issue! When you have your first kid GAAman would you get your wife a card or anything?

A tad presumptuous as i have a daughter and when myself and her mother were together i got her (the mother) presents from our daughter......and also on sunday gone i got my daughter stuff to give to my mother as a joint mothers/grandmothers day

John Mason

jaysis why are you getting upset about not getting a card? is it not enough that you have a healthy child? i know a few people who would have dearly loved to have spent yesterday with their children rather then just visiting their graves. Grow up

Sherifu

Sleepy wrote: »

women in general are more inclined to buy into the crap that Hallmark sell them.

QFT

Excuse me if I don't buy into marketing gimmicks.

paulksnn

+1 A card from the son (Dear Son) to a mother is kinda a necessity on mothers day.
It does show poor form alright on behalf of the guy.
A card from the man to his woman on mothers day I don't agree with.

Lets not judge the guy though. Maybe he's not into the big "card company" days.
Maybe he does other smaller stuff - the slightly less romantic (cup of tea)

It doesn't sound like it though and upset mum - if I were you I'd have a sit down and explain to him the problem.
Don't "assume" he should know all this stuff. We guys are fairly thick when it comes to intuiting things we don't normally intuit.
Sit him down and tell him how much these things mean to you.
If he doesn't get it after that...... well only yyou can decide that.

meglome

irishbird wrote: »

jaysis why are getting upset about not getting a card? is it not enough that you have a healthy child? i know a few people who would have dearly loved to have spent yesterday with their children rather then just visiting their graves. Grow up

Bit harsh there.

It would be normal in my experience that the boyfriend/husband would get something and get the child to give it to mammy. It just a little way to say they care. Doesn't have to be anything from hallmark.

Silverfish

irishbird wrote: »

jaysis why are getting upset about not getting a card? is it not enough that you have a healthy child? i know a few people who would have dearly loved to have spent yesterday with their children rather then just visiting their graves. Grow up

Yesterday my mother got to do that. She'd still have been annoyed if I didn't get her anything at all. Not sure where that leaves your theory.


OP, I'd be annoyed over the fact he not only didn't get you anything from your son, but also lied and said he had a surprise planned, and then waited for you to ask him about it? What the hell is that about.

I think you're justified in being annoyed, however, these things are not the be all and end all of a relationship. The way I see it, if you have to talk to someone about them not showing you enough appreciation.... then they just aren't the type that show it that way. I would rather look for signs that I was appreciated in other ways, rather than instructing them to do x, y, z... as it doesn't show they appreciate you, it shows they follow instructions

John Mason

meglome wrote: »

Bit harsh there.

It would be normal in my experience that the boyfriend/husband would get something and get the child to give it to mammy. It just a little way to say they care. Doesn't have to be anything from hallmark.

yeah, you think thats harsh, tell that to my friend who just buried her two day old daughter. this woman needs to cop on and count her blessings.

A card in the big scheme of things is meaningless and pointless. I really dont understand her problem. I think the fact that she has been giving the gift of having a healthy child is more then enough. This country is so materialistic is makes me sick

How Strange

OP, I can understand why you were upset as you seem to think your OH is taking you for granted.

Regarding valentines and mothers day you have to ask yourself if and why these commerically invented days are so important to you. If they are important to you then you have to communicate that to him. I've seen the most progressive, modern women fall for the valentines and mothers day sham.

I'd say from reading your mail that it has less to do with not receiving anything on these days and more to do with you feeling your OH taking you for granted and being inconsiderate to your feelings.

I think you need to have a chat and talk about how you feel. Essentially it's not what he does on these particular days that is important but how you treat each other every day of the year i.e with mutual respect

sugark

I think some people are being a little harsh here - the OP's feelings have been hurt by the person she care's about the most (apart from her son) and she's feeling a bit blue.

I don't think it's too much for a new mum to expect a card on Mother's Day, but I think there's too much focus here on what the day was. Surely her point is that she just wanted someone to make a fuss over her and her hubby had said he would and then didn't.

Surely there's nothing wrong with a new mum wanting a bit of attention from her other half? OP, I don't think there's anything wrong with your feelings being hurt but you need to be able to sit down and point it out to him, hopefully without getting upset. Tell him that you're not expecting a brass band parade, but that a little consideration from himself would be nice.

Hope you feel better soon.

Predhead

My God cop on woman!!!!

Got this makes me so angry!! How bloody materialistic and self involved are you!?!

GAAman

irishbird wrote: »

yeah, you think thats harsh, tell that to my friend who just buried her two day old daughter. this woman needs to cop on and count her blessings.

A card in the big scheme of things is meaningless and pointless. I really dont understand her problem. I think the fact that she has been giving the gift of having a healthy child is more then enough. This country is so materialistic is makes me sick

irishbird in all fairness and respect that is a horrible situation for your friend but that has not one thing to do with what the op asked

I wonder if the day comes that you feel as appreciated as 5 year old wallpaper would you feel the same?

meglome

irishbird wrote: »

yeah, you think thats harsh, tell that to my friend who just buried her two day old daughter. this woman needs to cop on and count her blessings.

A card in the big scheme of things is meaningless and pointless. I really dont understand her problem. I think the fact that she has been giving the gift of having a healthy child is more then enough. This country is so materialistic is makes me sick

These are two completely different things. Wanting your boyfriend/husband to show some consideration doesn't mean you don't appreciate that your child is healthy nor does it mean you're materialistic. I get the feeling from the Op that she would have been happy with an effort even if he didn't spend any money.

whiskeyman

Upset Mum wrote: »

The man that lives in my house....who I will refer to as D*ck from now on has really done it this time.

It sounds like this Mothers Day thing, and Valentines, is just the tip of the iceberg and there's a lot more issues that you haven't mentioned...

On the face of it (and in our eyes) you're over reacting, but if there's more going on in the background you haven't told us, of course things like this will blow it all up.

LadyJ

Tbh, I think the OP has a right to be upset. If I was a new mother and it was my first mother's day then it'd be nice to have some kind of thoughtful gesture from my partner. Not presents or anything per se but just some kind of acknowlegement would be nice imo. Just something to mark the occasion like a bottle of wine or a nice home cooked meal.

Becoming a parent is such a big deal and maybe just for that first mother's day it would be nice to do something.

Also, I don't necessarily think that people who like to acknowledge Valentines or Mother's day are materialistic. I enjoy marking these days in different kinds of ways. For Valentine's my bf got me a bag of doughnuts from that kiosk on O'Connell St and we ordered a chinese. Not a big deal but it was still something a little special to mark the day.

John Mason

GAAman wrote: »

I wonder if the day comes that you feel as appreciated as 5 year old wallpaper would you feel the same?

well i hope to god i never find myself in a situation that i need a card to make me feel good about myself

AARRRGH

I think it would have been nice of the OP's partner to bring her out for lunch or something like that, but I do think the OP is overreacting and most likely the partner simply didn't realise this was important.

Susannahmia

sugark wrote: »

I think some people are being a little harsh here - the OP's feelings have been hurt by the person she care's about the most (apart from her son) and she's feeling a bit blue.

I don't think it's too much for a new mum to expect a card on Mother's Day, but I think there's too much focus here on what the day was. Surely her point is that she just wanted someone to make a fuss over her and her hubby had said he would and then didn't.

Surely there's nothing wrong with a new mum wanting a bit of attention from her other half? OP, I don't think there's anything wrong with your feelings being hurt but you need to be able to sit down and point it out to him, hopefully without getting upset. Tell him that you're not expecting a brass band parade, but that a little consideration from himself would be nice.

Hope you feel better soon.

+1 Some of these posters are being ridiculous. The point wasn't that he didn't get her anything for mothers day the real issue here is that her husband makes no effort to make his wife feel appreciated and loved. It doesn't have to be done through gifts etc but it seems like this man makes no effort at all.

The mothers day thing seems to have been the last straw for this woman. If he showed her appreciation everyday she probably wouldnt have minded that much about not getting a card etc.

She has just given birth to his son, as the mother of his child and lover she deserves some symbol of love and appreciation. Something she shows this man everyday. It didn't have to be materialistic, he could have cooked her dinner or given her a massage etc.

For gods sake she had to remind him to show her some appreciation and he didn't even bother after that. The op is not being silly and irrational.

Men can be really really stupid about these kinds of things. I think you need to show him how upset you are about this issue. You need to tell him outright men generally just don't get hints. He may not realise he is doing it.

Zulu

OP, you are over reacting.

You said he was a good father right?

GAAman

irishbird wrote: »

well i hope to god i never find myself in a situation that i need a card to make me feel good about myself

Sorry i re-read my post there where did i say anything about a card? I said feeling appreciated, some flowers, chocs, a nice dinner, even a simple gesture

Susannahmia

irishbird wrote: »

well i hope to god i never find myself in a situation that i need a card to make me feel good about myself

Yes and that is the situation that this poor woman is in. Show some empathy. Oh and I am sorry about your friend's baby girl , that is truely a heart breaking situation. However there is no need to take your grief out on others.

GAAman

Susannahmia wrote: »

Yes and that is the situation that this poor woman is in. Show some empathy.

Its not even, irishbird is on a crusade to show how the op is being materialistic when in fact she (the op) was only looking for the same treatment she has given her fella

Einstein

Irishbird, theres no doubt that your friend's situation is absolutely terrible, but I think you've missed the point on this.

OP I do feel you've over-reacted a little, but the fact that he said he had a surprise for you and built your hopes up was a mean thing to do...

Folks regardless of the fact that mothers day and valentines are commercial scams, this is no reason for telling OP to grow up and get over herself.
Her feelings have been hurt by someone she obviously cares about dearly...and as mentioned, it would seem that this is only the tip of the iceberg...

Valentines and mothers day are different for everyone. For some a kiss and card is enough, for some the big spread of dinner, flowers, chocolates and weekends away are whats expected.

OP, i hope things are resolved for you, but I do think that some underlying issues perhaps need to be addressed.

Mr. Incognito

He thinks that being a good dad is more important than buying a card?

The fool!

Loopy

I do understand you being upset but as others have said, accept he is just not buying into the HYPE. If he is a good Dad and partner to you, you have to accept thats the way he is.

It would of been a nice gesture to receive an acknowledgment as its your first mothers day, but if u have a good guy its not really that important is it....

Hitchhiker's Guide to...

OP - maybe you are a bit stressed out by the whole 'being a mum for the first time' thing. But, i think it is a little bit unfair of you to expect your husband to come up with a big celebration thing for mother's day. As has already been pointed out - you are not his mother.

Having said that, there is obviously something that needs to be improved in your relationship if you got so upset over this individual event. i.e. not something that you are doing wrong, but something wrong with the relationship in general that needs to be improved.

Don't really have any specific advice, except ... talk about it together

justsomebloke

OP I am going to look at this from a different angle. Does he love you. You have already said he is a brilliant Dad so I don't even have to ask about that part. So if he loves you what is the problem.

Yes he doesn't show you on valentine's day and mother's day but there are quite a few men as well as women you just don't get these holidays and then you have the polar opposite type of people you think that their partners are selfish ****ers if they don't go out and spend a fortune to show their undying love.

The problem is when these sort of people start going out with each other to leads to situations like this. So you have to decide what is more important a loving father and partner or a card? yes he should of gotten you a card as it is your first mother's day but truthfully is it really worth this turmoil, chances are probably not

LaVidaLoca

"The op is not being silly and irrational."

Yes she is.

I hate hearing people "expecting" things of other people and then complaining when they dont get it. This type of Passive agression means you are constantly a victim and sets up the world to dissapoint you.

Many men often genuinely dont know how much these things mean to some women. This is not cause they're insensitive pigs - it is because of the way human minds work: Most men are not brought up to care about Valentines Day or Mother's Day themselves. They have to make a real stretch of their minds to imagine what it must be like to care. Dont allow yourself for a second to fall into the lazy way of thinking that this constitutes insensitivity or chauvinism on their part. Try and stretch your mind as well, and imagine what it must be like not to care about Mother's Day.

If Mother's Day means a lot to you: TELL your partner this (using DIRECT understandable words, not sulking or a hissy fit), and next time he wont make the same mistake.

Personally, I think he is probably just somebody who thinks that Mother's Day is a day for doing stuff for your own mother, not for somebody who is a mother.

AARRRGH

LaVidaLoca wrote: »

"The op is not being silly and irrational."

Yes she is.

I hate hearing people "expecting" things of other people and then complaining when they dont get it. This type of Passive agression means you are constantly a victim and sets up the world to dissapoint you.

Many men often genuinely dont know how much these things mean to some women. This is not cause they're insensitive pigs - it is because of the way human minds work: Most men are not brought up to care about Valentines Day or Mother's Day themselves. They have to make a real stretch of their minds to imagine what it must be like to care. Dont allow yourself for a second to fall into the lazy way of thinking that this constitutes insensitivity or chauvinism on their part. Try and stretch your mind as well, and imagine what it must be like not to care about Mother's Day.

If Mother's Day means a lot to you: TELL your partner this (using DIRECT understandable words, not sulking or a hissy fit), and next time he wont make the same mistake.

Personally, I think he is probably just somebody who thinks that Mother's Day is a day for doing stuff for your own mother, not for somebody who is a mother.

Really good post.

Amazotheamazing

I dunno, I think the real issue here is that men and women have different expectations when it comes to showing love. A man might think it shows he loves her providing for her and his child (if he does), by being a good father etc. Very often this is simply not seen as affection by a woman, who instead thinks that tea and a card is more meaningful than working hard and being a good father.

Course, that is just a generalisation, maybe if the OP gave more info people would be able to see thinghs more from her point of view.

Femelade

OP, i hear you. Ignore all the comments from the people who are clearly NOT mothers. Being a mother is NOT easy. And abit of appreciaiton on one day of the year is not alot to ask for, especially, by the sound of it, if you dont get it on any other day.
I am a single mother, so i look after my daughter for myself..not for me and her father. i dont really expect anything for mothers day, but my mom usually buys me stuff for my daughter to give me, and spent ages making a card with her on the computer on sat night. My daugher gave me 4 cream crackers and a cup of miwadi on a tray in bed, she did it all on her own and i was delighted!(she's 6)

So, to all the people who told the OP she was over reacting and being selfish..is it safe to say you dont give your mom a mothers day card, or ever did??

dudara

It really seems as if there is a lot more going on here than just Mother's Day and Valentine's Day.

Do you feel neglected or forgotten most of the time?

LaVidaLoca

I cant beleive you used the Cheapest defence in the book:

OP, i hear you. Ignore all the comments from the people who are clearly NOT mothers.

Of course Im not a mother. Im, male.

No matter how hard I try, and no matter what I do. I will never be a mother.

This is not a moral failing on my part. Its a Y chromosome thing.

And I will, of course never, ever truly understand what it means to be a mother.

So it is up to you, to make an effort to make me understand what it is to be a mother. Not just pouting in the corner with your arms folded saying" You will never understand."

The question here is how do we deal with the fact that males do find it hard to understand what Mother's Day or other things mean to mothers? And to underline with thick black marker, that they dont misunderstand it cause they're insensitive selfish pigs, but because it an experience that is not available to them due to certain laws of nature.

The Hill Billy

Talk about kicking the girl when she's down!

I don't see anything wrong with the OP expecting a bit of recognition on Mother's Day from her partner, particularly as it is her first year as the mother of his child.

OP - Don't let this snowball though. It may seem a lot worse than it is, particularly if the two of you are tired & stressed looking after a young child. Tell him what you feel without getting overly emotional. Mrs Billy has to do the same with me once or twice (a week ). We can be downright insensitive bâstards sometimes, but we're not all that bad.

Femelade

LaVidaLoca wrote: »

I cant beleive you used the Cheapest defence in the book:



Of course Im not a mother. Im, male.

No matter how hard I try, and no matter what I do. I will never be a mother.

This is not a moral failing on my part. Its a Y chromosome thing.

And I will, of course never, ever truly understand what it means to be a mother.

So it is up to you, to make an effort to make me understand what it is to be a mother. Not just pouting in the corner with your arms folded saying" You will never understand."

The question here is how do we deal with the fact that males do find it hard to understand what Mother's Day or other things mean to mothers? And to underline with thick black marker, that they dont misunderstand it cause they're insensitive selfish pigs, but because it an experience that is not available to them due to certain laws of nature.

If he is the father of her child, he should well know what she does and he should well know that she should be appreciated for it, i mean come on! its not rocket science! Did you ever give your mother a card on Mothers day?

Colonel_McCoy

Calm down. You are NOT his mother

LaVidaLoca

that the OP is on a message board telling strangers how let down she feels, when she should be on the phone talking to her partner about it.

Thats the core of the problem.

LegacyUser

Thank you all so much for your replies.

I guess I am over-reacting over the Mothers Day issue, but looking at it with a slightly clearer and less emotional head, (still haven't really gotten over the exagerated weepy stage of mother-hood, baby is 6mths old...thought it would be gone by now, anyhow...) I can see now that it really is a build up of other issues brought to a head by something that would not normally be such an issue.

I have been feeling quite low revently, my partner has a cannabis depandancy problem which of late has caused and awful lot of arguements. It hasn't gotten to the stage where it's effecting his work or anything, but smoking every single evening and nearly all weekend. (including mothers day, valentines day, my birthday, christmas etc). He has a very good and well paid job, which he loves, but his smoking leads to him being very unmotivated when he's at home, nothing gets done unless I do it, and if I can't do it myself (such as electrical work or heavy lifting), I have to hide his stash until it gets done....leading to more arguements.

I am by no means a materialistic person, a kiss and a "Happy Mothers Day" would have been more than sufficient to avoid adding the 'straw to the already heavily strained camels back'

I understand that my original post may have seemed irrational to some, but I hope that giving some more info will give you an idea of where I'm coming from and maybe you could give me some more advice on what to do now?

Yes I love him, and yes I do believe he loves me and there is no question of how good a dad he is.

How Strange

irishbird wrote: »

yeah, you think thats harsh, tell that to my friend who just buried her two day old daughter. this woman needs to cop on and count her blessings.

A card in the big scheme of things is meaningless and pointless. I really dont understand her problem. I think the fact that she has been giving the gift of having a healthy child is more then enough. This country is so materialistic is makes me sick

irishbird, what has that got to do with the OP's post? What happened to your friend is an awful situation but projecting it onto the OP and belittling her issue is unhelpful and downright cruel.

She has a right to be annoyed with her husband regardless of anyone else's personal circumstances.