is hate wrong or is it natural

dbrady01

i suppose the question is in the title. Basically i have no intrest in meeting contacting or knowing anything about my the person who gave birth to me and i find that if i ever thing about her i get annoyed. Does / did anyone else ever feel like this. Some people find this a bit strange that i dont want to know anything about her

angelbabyk

dbrady01 wrote: »

i suppose the question is in the title. Basically i have no intrest in meeting contacting or knowing anything about my the person who gave birth to me and i find that if i ever thing about her i get annoyed. Does / did anyone else ever feel like this. Some people find this a bit strange that i dont want to know anything about her

Hey (dbrady)
Im adopted myself and i used to feel like that all the time.. If anyone even mentioned birth mother i would feel myself boiling up inside.. For me it stemed from feeling like this person gave me away with no feeling attached.. But over time it just became apparent to me that giving up a child must be the hardest thing anyone could do.. I Spoke to an Adoption Councillor and i found that it really helped me.. She gave me different scenarios of reasons people give up children.. Some go on not to have anymore children cause it was such a trauma for them to already have lost one. If you do need to speak to someone call the HSE and ask for the number for the adoption board in your area. In my experience the Councillor has been a great help to me and i only went one time to see her..

dbrady01

hi angelbabyk

thanks for the reply. Thats exactly how i feel i never liked the idea of counciling tho but im starting to think it might help. I found out about my situation ( see i dont even know how to put it ) about 12 years ago and i kinda brushed it off with the " i have the best family in the world now so im glad i was givin away " attitude but lately i have started to think about it and thats when i get annoyed inside. I dont know maybe its a very very delayed reaction HA HA

angelbabyk

dbrady01 wrote: »

hi angelbabyk

thanks for the reply. Thats exactly how i feel i never liked the idea of counciling tho but im starting to think it might help. I found out about my situation ( see i dont even know how to put it ) about 12 years ago and i kinda brushed it off with the " i have the best family in the world now so im glad i was givin away " attitude but lately i have started to think about it and thats when i get annoyed inside. I dont know maybe its a very very delayed reaction HA HA

A delayed reaction is exactley what it is.. I had a delayed reaction till i was about 20.. Im only 23 now and Honestly seeing that councillor has done me the world of good.. I have such a different prospective on my adoption now.. And when i say councillor i mean advisor, she just asked me how i felt and she said she would look at my file and see if any photos or anything in there.. Its up to your self if you want her to check.. They can give you more backround info aswell.. More that what your parents would have been given when they adopted you.. But its entirely up to yourself if you want any info.. I would say its worth a visit though.. You would find the number for the HSE (adoption) in the phone book, Center glossy

kathy finn

hi, i never felt i hated my birthmother, but i did go through a bad time in my early teens thinking there was something wrong with me because my parents did,nt want me. don,t judge your birthmother to harshly when you don,t know what she was going through or the circumstances surrounding your birth, my birthmother gave me the greatest gift of all life and i will be forever thankful she made the choices she did.........kathy

dbrady01

kathy finn wrote: »

my birthmother gave me the greatest gift of all life and i will be forever thankful she made the choices she did.

never thought of it that way but i like ur thinking kathy. Never went tru a bad time as such but i do feel that it has effected some relationships i had in the sence that aftere a while i feel like i will be left again as i am not worth keeping... if ya get me. I think the feelings i have towards her comes for the fact i was the second baby in the space of about 18 months she gave up. If i was the first i could perhaps understand a bit better like getting pregnant was a mistake and she was unable to keep me but to have 2 babys and give both up in a short space of time is what gets to me sometimes maybe thats the wrong way to look at it and maybe her reasons were very very valid but it just seemed all to easy. I know there might be mothers reading this and my views might annoy them. I am sorry if they do its not intentional its just my own personal view

holly_johnson

My brother and I are both adopted. We are not blood siblings.
He has the very same feelings that you do, but I would say probably more extreme. If anyone mentions adoption he freaks. Literally. No one in his life knows that he is adopted (or me for that matter). I remember years ago he was going out with a girl during the time I traced and met my birth mother. He physically grabbed me and told me that if I said anything to her he would kill me. His own children don't know about it.
I think it's very sad he feels this way, it's not his fault after all! I think councilling would really help him, but tbh, I'm wary of mentionaing the issue at all. I think it's just a chip he's going to carry on his shoulder for ever.

MaryMagdalene

I am a n/mother. I don't think anger is unusual at all. Sometimes I feel angry. When I was younger and before counselling I got angry when I thought about my daughter. I would think about her and then wonder was she angry with me and that in turn would make me angry. I would immediately feel defensive and angry imagining that she went through life having it easy, in a loving two parent family - all the reasons I had been given for giving her up.

Whereas I on the other hand lost everything - my best friend (my family's fault not hers), my youth, my relationship with my Mother, my relationship with some of my family. I left home at 18, emigrated and went through a very disturbing time. I was in several abusive relationships; I drank, did drugs, attempted suicide and generally hated myself. I too did not feel worthy.

I don't know your Mother's story but I bet she too felt many of these feelings.

I got counselling. It took three different types over several years but I knew I could not survive if I did not sort myself out and I wanted to survive. It was the best decision I ever made.

I got an education and finally learned how to allow myself to be loved. I now have a loving husband and 1 toddler and another on the way.

Sometimes anger is all we have to try to stop the hurt. Anger if redirected can become healing. Give counselling a try. It may hurt at first - for me it meant revisiting all my nightmares and remembering a lot of suppressed memories and learning to deal with them. It was not easy but then many things in life are not easy however we become stronger by learning to deal with them.

Good luck and I truly hope you find peace.

kathy finn

hi marymagdalen,
im so sorry you went through what you did, i never met my birthmother as she died before i got the chance. but you could be talking about her life in your post. my mother never got any help and ended up killing herself after a long time as a drug user the sad thing is after an appeal for relatives nobody attened her funeral, i find that so sad.
whatever emotions i have gone through as an adoptee i feel my mother went through a lot more. congratulations on turning your life around i wish my mother could have done the same.....kathy

Pixie83

When I was growing up I did feel very angry towards my birth mother that she was able to give me away ( as I felt it was that way). As I got older I found it hard to trust people as I felt that they too could leave me.

About 4 years ago i found my birth mother and we have been in contact ever since then. After years of feeling dislike (I dont think I ever felt real hate), I now understand it all a bit better. The main thing to remember is that what you feel, most people in this situation have felt the same at some point!

Maryan

I found out about my adoption coincidentally at 23, when I was already a mother myself. It hadn't been such a big surprise because I always had a feeling that something was wrong, but it's a difference though, when you see it black on white.

10 years later I met my birth mother for the first time and the anger came only later, when she denied to count me in with her children. Her children were my two half-siblings, which she could keep with her - I was her friend. It's ironic that I am the child of hers which resembles her most in many respects and she denied any resemblance too, when my husband pointed it out.

This hurt(s) and still makes me feel angry. I can understand why she gave me away and I'm not really resenting this, but I do resent the denial. Counselling helped and I recommend it to anyone who can't come to terms with being adopted or the implications.

holly_johnson

Maryan wrote: »

the anger came only later, when she denied to count me in with her children. Her children were my two half-siblings, which she could keep with her - I was her friend. It's ironic that I am the child of hers which resembles her most in many respects and she denied any resemblance too, when my husband pointed it out.

This is exactly what happened to me. My natural mother refused to tell her children about me, or to allow me to meet them.

Maryan

It was different to me. Although she refused to see me as her child, she told my siblings and I got to meet each of them once. I had some contact with my brother, but that's long ago and now there isn't any communication at all. I guess they were curious and that's it.

holly_johnson

Ah, apologies. I read you wrong.

Kelly O'Malley

Hate is natural but it is wrong.

Some natural mothers had no choice but to give up their babies,some did it for fear of not being able to give a child the upbringing it deserved and gave it up for love of the child.

Others were just thoughtless,heartless uncaring sods.

The 'rejection' happened to us when we were fully capable of logging the pain of it but too young to rationalise it and that scar tissue is with us for life.More so for some than others.

If it helps to find out that your birth mother was of the first group that's great,but I think what to aim for is the realisation that, whatever the reason for our situation,it wasn't OUR fault.We weren't given away because we're horrid or ugly or unlovable.

Hating the person who hurt us is natural but it is unhealthy,it hurts us more and ends up being the progenitor of an extremely vicious circle.

To misquote,to hate is normal but to forgive divine!

As much as I'd like to meet my own birth parents - at my age it's becoming increasingly unlikely they're still alive - I'm too worried that what I'm really looking for is a loving mother.My adoptive family (all dead now) weren't the best.A bit lacking in the loving department you might say...

It was very hard work getting past the anger at my bm as I blamed her for putting me in that family.

It was even harder to forgive the adopters though it got easier once they'd gone!

Ickle Magoo

I don't know if I'd go so far as to say I hate my biological parents, I just don't care. I used to get angry that they were so crap at parenting when I look at my kids & I'm still a bit angry they lumbered me with all the emotional baggage that being adopted brings. I have no interest in contacting them either, they made their choice. *shrugs*

Can you talk to anyone about how you are feeling? It helps to talk about it or even write it down so you can work through any feelings of anger or hate as they aren't healthy, you need to come to terms with things as they are & meeting your biological family may actually achieve some kind of closure. Thinking of you.

Latchy

Most of the situations like this i have heard OP are when the roles are reversed ie, the parent doesnt wish to know the child they gave birth to .This must be a terrible gut/heartwrenching thing to expierence for any child or adult person and cant remember hearing of your expierence although i am sure there are many such as yours .

laurak265

I am a sibling of someone who was adopted! I only found out this week but with regards to parents not telling their other children, in my case that isn't true! I'm am the first person my mother has told about her adopted child! I sat and cried with her to the early hours of this morning about it all! She wants to find him...she says its the only thing in her life that she regrets and she dread dying and not ever seein him! She wishes she had of been stronger and not being allowed to be bullied into giving him up! she treasures the 4 days she nursed him in the hospital cos it had to last her a long time! The adoption agency are so cold...they said to her oh you signed the papers, forget it! She has gone numerous times and she is just dismissed! I wonder do adopted children think that their parents don't care or never want to see them? I told her that if she wants to find him i'll help her and if she does find him, i will regard him as my brother...I hope this helps people understand the search from the other side!

holly_johnson

Your poor Mum, it sounds like she had a bad time of it. Well done you, for being so supportive.
Thanks for posting this, as sometimes people can think that the mothers don't find it as difficult or don't feel any remorse.

laurak265

Thanks holly! We went a different route on it this morning, bypassed the agency and he have found him and he has been looking for her! Some good news at last! Fingers crossed.

The Chessplayer

The hate could just be the shame you feel for being an adoptee. Meeting up with your biological mother could be a way of getting over this. In any case, I'd say it would be interesting to find out what your alternative history might have been.

The_Conductor

laurak265 wrote: »

The adoption agency are so cold...they said to her oh you signed the papers, forget it! She has gone numerous times and she is just dismissed! I wonder do adopted children think that their parents don't care or never want to see them? I told her that if she wants to find him i'll help her and if she does find him, i will regard him as my brother...I hope this helps people understand the search from the other side!

Unfortunately adopted people are treated pretty much in the same manner by the agencies as your Mum has been. A lot of the social workers think that once they placed a baby in a reasonably good home (they hope) that their job is done- the book is closed, and anyone who tries to reopen the book is a trouble maker (for them). Even some of the agencies who undertook to pass photographs/letters/correspondence from adopted people or adoptive parents to birthparents, often are found years later to not have done so.......

laurak265 wrote: »

Thanks holly! We went a different route on it this morning, bypassed the agency and he have found him and he has been looking for her! Some good news at last! Fingers crossed.

Congratulations Laura- I'm thrilled for you and your Mum. I hope it works out for you.

Shane

laurak265

Thank you for that shane! I agree about the non passing of information...they told her that he has been searching and is very determind to find her! My mam rang them when we moved house with new contact information incase he looked for her so why havent they passed it on to him!!! If he is so determind why are they playing god with peoples emotions?? There both looking so why are social workers standing in the way???? I just don't understand it!!!!

The_Conductor

laurak265 wrote: »

Thank you for that shane! I agree about the non passing of information...they told her that he has been searching and is very determind to find her! My mam rang them when we moved house with new contact information incase he looked for her so why havent they passed it on to him!!! If he is so determind why are they playing god with peoples emotions?? There both looking so why are social workers standing in the way???? I just don't understand it!!!!

Agencies and social workers see themselves as being central to the whole situation- they dealt originally with the birthmothers, placed children with adoptive parents, diligently beavered away with their files for years- and see those files as their personal property- despite the fact that they contain other people's lives.

You do have it in a nutshell though- when you say they play god with people's emotions- its true, they do. Most of the agencies now consider themselves a lot more progressive than they were years ago- but they still feel a need to control everything- to dictate what people can and cannot do. They can drag things out over years- or refuse to release information or help people for what are often really petty reasons.

I do agree to a certain extent that people do need to have some sort of help when they are approaching a reunion situation- its a very good idea to know what the possibilities are- and how other people might feel- so that you can prepare yourself to a certain extent. This does not equate to the nannying that the agencies insist- with tactics that James Bond would almost be proud of- dead letter drops, facilitated meetings at short notice, exchange of letters that the social workers insist on opening and editting as they see fit, witholding of any information that they don't see should be in the open etc- it really is despicable.

Different people do search for different reasons though- it is a very good idea to explore the possibilities and also to accept that the emotions involved can be wide and varied- its impossible to say.

Be there for your Mum- she will need you.

A few things you might like to think about yourself:
How do you feel about having a new older brother that you didn't know about? Do you have other siblings? Does your "new" brother who you have never met change the way you or other siblings view each other (it can be hard sometimes for the eldest to discover that they have an older sibling, sometimes they can fear that their role as the eldest is somehow being usurped?) While you may not have thought about it- what role (if any) do you envisage for your new brother in your family? Are your siblings likely to feel similar? How would you feel if your brother for one reason or another did not want to meet with you?

When your Mum does get to meet your brother again- it might be nice to pick a good photograph of all of you- it might mean a lot to him.

Even allowing for the snail-like speed that the agencies like to do things- sometimes things take time. Don't be despondent if things seem to go on for a long time.

Barnados do a good course on adoption reunions that might be worthwhile exploring- several people that I know found it very helpful (personally I wasn't impressed with it- but other people have given it very good feedback).

laurak265

smccarrick wrote: »

A few things you might like to think about yourself:
How do you feel about having a new older brother that you didn't know about? Do you have other siblings? Does your "new" brother who you have never met change the way you or other siblings view each other (it can be hard sometimes for the eldest to discover that they have an older sibling, sometimes they can fear that their role as the eldest is somehow being usurped?) While you may not have thought about it- what role (if any) do you envisage for your new brother in your family? Are your siblings likely to feel similar? How would you feel if your brother for one reason or another did not want to meet with you?

I have a friend who was adopted and i went through it with her right up to meeting her biological family and afterwards so i have a good understanding of it all! I know though the her thoughts and feelings are going to be completely different to "his". I have brother some older and some younger so i don't feel the dynamics would change much for anyone. I don't know how he would fit in to our family right now though! Its entirely up to him, like you said people have different reason for looking and unlike my friend he most likely only wants to meet mam and not us but i feel that if he wants to meet us too at some point that i am ok with that! We just won't know until they both finally get to make contact with each other and see what it is he is looking for or how he feels!! I have however told her to tell him that we know about him and he isn't a secret or something shameful and hope that that would of some ease to him anyway! At the moment i'm up in the air and although shocked i think i am a little excited as well! I'm think i might be disappointed if he didn't want to meet the family but i also have to accept that that is entirely his decison! He may have brothers and sisters in his family and be happy with his life (i hope he was and that he isnt hurt or resentful) and may not want to change that!

It is hard to deal with on both sides. My mam is convinced it wont take a long time but i know from my friend and as we said its down to the speed of the social worker aka God!! Fingers crossed it won't drag terribly..for her sake!! Thanks for your helpful advice.

What is your story if you don't mind me asking?

The_Conductor

I met my Mum for the first of two times almost 4 years ago. I found her myself- as the agency refused to help (they were snowed under and had a waiting list of over 3 years length at the time). I had previously sought their help some years previously and was shown the door in no uncertain terms. My Mum had not told siblings of my existence- and some of them weren't very happy when she did (understatement of the year........). I've never met any of them, nor do I have pictures of them (even if they never do want to meet- it would be nice to at very least have a picture- just to see do I look like any of them, it would be nice to meet or to talk to them- but I don't think that'll ever happen). My Mum didn't get any support emotionally or otherwise, and hasn't met with me since then. She does phone every now and then- which I love, and she sends cards on birthdays or christmas when she remembers. I've kept every single one, they mean a lot to me. I'd love to introduce her to my wife someday- but I don't know if that will ever happen. She initiates contact, when it suits her. I'm proud of her- but terrified of ever saying anything much in case she doesn't call again. Not ideal

laurak265

Wow...that must be very hard for you!! Some people are so selfish, it is not your fault you were born and its not your fault that you wanted to know where you come from, curiousity is only human nature!! At least you get calls and cards...some people don't ever get that!! Its must be very tough for her though...giving a child for adoption is torture for most mothers (i wont say all cos not every mother feels that way unfortunately) she has had to live with that missing part of her on her own and now she has no support now either. Her children must be spoilt and selfish. If they don't want to meet you thats their decision but they should be there for their mother. I know my mother isn't perfect but is there anyone on this planet who is? I love my mother and am very proud of her and she was a brilliant mother to us even under all that stress and pain. Your birth mother obvioiusly cares about you or she wouldn't call or send cards ever. Maybe you should ask her for a photo and maybe send her one of you and your wife and family. She may never show it to anyone but at least it will be hers to treasure! Or ask her would she like to meet up again sometime? Do you feel better about meeting her?

The_Conductor

To be honest- I'm worried that if I even suggest it, that I won't hear from her again. She got a lot of home trouble over meeting me- and I wouldn't want to put her through it again. I know that the odd phone call and a card every now and then is a lot better than most people- I look through the post when I get home every evening to see if I spot her handwriting on any envelope. Just when I have about given up hope- sometimes weeks or even months later, a card does arrive. I did ask for a photograph a few times back 3-4 years ago- she never gave me one, I don't want to ask again- I suppose I will maybe in year or twos time. She does tell me how they are all doing- which is nice to hear, when she calls. Its like a little window on the lives of people who you have no idea what they even look like. Its nice, but I wish it could be more.

I am glad that I met her- but had I known how much trouble I would cause, I don't know whether I would have done so. Sometimes I guess I imagined I could have given her a big hug and thanked her, but I don't think that she'd appreciate it- that was obvious.

I have some memories- and I have the cards and she does call sometimes. As you say- its a lot more than some people have. I am proud of her.

laurak265

Isn't it funny how every situation is different? I'm afraid my brother won't want more and maybe he won't and you do want more and can't have it!! :cool: My friend was raised an only child and was delighted to find out she had many siblings. Most are fine with her and she meets them regulary but one sister is off with her! Think it is to do with her being the last to know about my friend! I can only tell you that finding out is a bombshell and the shock has last days but i'm not in any way angry over it...as i said nervous and a little excited! I don't know why they would be angry over her meeting you. You are her child, you may not think of her as your mother and i bet you don't call her mam but i'm sure in some respects you do think of her as your mother on some level! She carried you and bet she didn't love any of her child any more than you!! I bet they feel threatened by it and they obvioulsy need councilling!!! I'm glad i've had this chat with you...Its another angle for me to get my head around!! I just want it to be ok for my mam...

CathyMoran

Just speaking as smccarrick's wife here. I saw the pain that he went through both finding his mum and eventually meeting her. When she rings his face lights up and he is happy for the rest of the week! He is petrified of saying anything to offend her. I have heard her voice on the phone but have never spoken to her though she knows of my existance. We are hoping to try for a child next year, maybe that will be the reason she needs to see us...fingers crossed. I am delighted with your news.

laurak265

Thanks for that cathy! Update on the goings on is...the agency actually did what they were told and gave him the information and photo. He has called twice since then and i have spoken to him on the phone! He sounds so happy to finally get to make contact and we are happy to hear from him. A happy ending touch wood!!!!

CathyMoran

Whoot! Delighted to hear that. Best wishes to you and your family.

Nickibaby*

laurak265 wrote: »

Thanks for that cathy! Update on the goings on is...the agency actually did what they were told and gave him the information and photo. He has called twice since then and i have spoken to him on the phone! He sounds so happy to finally get to make contact and we are happy to hear from him. A happy ending touch wood!!!!

That's brilliant news Laura, hope it all workds out well for everyone. Bet you're very excited

ChocolateSauce

I can't say, as I've never felt that way.

I'm very grateful my mother gave me away. I know I'm happier now that I ever could have been with her, and I feel she was caring for me in her own way by doing so.