Drink+Poor Choices = Trouble

LegacyUser

Quick background: Years ago meet boyfriend, both wild. Partying all the time. Now we are both 29. Since then we have both quitened down. Me quicker than him. I have big ambitions, good job, want more from life. He is not quite so ambitious but is very materialistic so that drives him i guess.

This weekend he goes out with some friends and goes clubbing. I usually collect him from town when this happens but this particular night I fall asleep and my phone is dead. He is stuck in town, can't get a taxi so decides to sleep in the car and get me too collect him in the morning. BIG mistake. Guards find him in the car and charge him for drink driving (or equivalent) so now he is facing being off the road. I am livid.

We had thee talk and I have decided to stay with him so thats not the issue. I told him that if we are to stay together he needs to think about how drink (and this episode) is not only affecting his life, but mine also. So now you get the title! BF plus drink equals stupid BF.

OK question, is it reasonable to ask him to seriously curb his drinking? By this I mean limiting to a few bottles instead of 7 or 8 pints. I don't know, I have seriously begun to hate drink 'cos it can really f up your life. I have all but given up alcohol at this stage, only drink on occasion but is it fair to push my beliefs onto him. What say the masses?

IanCurtis

I broke up with my long term girlfriend recently and looking back, I think my drunken antics had a lot to do with it.

Weekends were wasted hungover, drunken rubbish talked a lot, holidays became sessions, you get the message.

I have calmed down a lot since we broke up after this realisation.

But I WISH she'd have asked me to calm down if it was annoying her. Sure I might have been annoyed, but I reckon we would have got on a lot better and she would never have left when she did.

Do tell him.

Fellas love boozy nights more than women I think, but no boozy night is worth losing someone you love for.

hullaballoo

Erhm, that's not drink driving. You have to actually be driving the car for it to be drink driving. It makes sense, really.

http://www.irishstatutebook.ie/1961/en/act/pub/0024/sec0049.html#zza24y1961s49

Oh, and no, asking someone to curb their use of a mind-altering drug for the sake of your relationship is not a bad thing.

mikemac

hullaballú wrote: »

Erhm, that's not drink driving. You have to actually be driving the car for it to be drink driving. It makes sense, really.

http://www.irishstatutebook.ie/1961/en/act/pub/0024/sec0049.html#zza24y1961s49

While it's great that you quoted legislation, I'm fairly sure the boyfriend can be convicted.
This comes up in the motors forum all the time. So if you are resting in the front seat and the keys are in the ignition so you can turn on the heaters you can be convicted. Putting the keys into the ignition is enough (attempt to drive), the garda didn't charge him just for the craic
Getting offtopic though.

LegacyUser

Yes he is definately going to get charged.

Thought, you know, coming up to 30 everything was going to get better moneywise. We bought a house but want to build, change our cars for better ones, take multiple foreign holidays etc, living the dream y'know but this is a major spanner in the works,............... and at the end of the day it all boils down to one thing having done it..............drink.

I have told one friend and she told me to put everything in perspective, he didn't try to drive home, he didn't crash, he didn't hurt anybody else (thank god), he's not in hospital, he's not dead. I decided to stay with him because I love him, he's genuinely a good person with a good heart and he loves me back.

I guess this is the problem with modern Ireland. I've turned my back on the drinking lifestyle because you can't get home after a night out, the day after is fecked, you can't drive the next day, work is hard enough without being tired/hungover.

How can I tell him the next time he wants to meet his friends that I would prefer if he didn't drink. Because I know if I have more than two drinks I don't know when to stop. He's the same. So he could go out with the best of intentions but ,ya, the rest is history if you know what I mean.

Chucky the tree

Lol. You were meant too collect him that night, but you feel asleep and you didnt bother charging your phone and then you blame him for this whole episode?

That's golden.

Do him him a favour and dump. Being stuck with you for life would be a killer. Maybe instead you should be curbing your nap time? At least then he wouldnt be in this mess.

niceoneted

hullaballú you might as well have read on in that act and you would have found the following in particular sub section (2) would apply here.

http://www.irishstatutebook.ie/1961/en/act/pub/0024/sec0050.html


To the OP I think it is wise to discuss your concerns with your BF. I do also feel that while you have decided to curb your drinking alot it does not mean you have to judge everyone else's. I have a sister who did that and people stopped socialising with her.
Good luck with it and well done for cutting back.

sharkie2008

i can really understand where you are coming from on this one. my bf was the same and while i also enjoy a drink or two on a night out it was starting to cause serious problems. anyway after one disasterous night during the summer i had to reconsider our relationship. that seemed to be the wake up call he needed and i made it clear he needed to stay off the drink in order for our relationship to work. things have been great since, he now realises he can go out and have a good night with only a few drinks

sorry for going on, my point is, if it affecting both your lives and your relationship then you need to ask him to cut out the drinking. you need to make it clear to him how much of an issue it is for you as he is unlikely to stay off the drink if he isnt serious about it

LegacyUser

Chucky the tree wrote: »

Lol. You were meant too collect him that night, but you feel asleep and you didnt bother charging your phone?

And then you blame him for this whole episode? That golden.

Do him him a favour and dump. Being stuck with you for life would be a killer.

That is not helpful.

I even have to dignify your comment with a response. I don't collect him because he asks me beforehand, I do it because I want him to get home safely if meets his friends and ends up drinking with them. I did not know he was going to go clubbing. I fell asleep after a gruelling week at work.

Drinking is not the problem, its the problems that come with it. Our lives will be very different now because he will not be able to drive therefore not be able to work. Understand?

Just count yourself lucky you don't have to be 'stuck' with me for life.

SarahSassy

Chucky the tree wrote: »

Lol. You were meant too collect him that night, but you feel asleep and you didnt bother charging your phone and then you blame him for this whole episode?

That's golden.

Do him him a favour and dump. Being stuck with you for life would be a killer. Maybe instead you should be curbing your nap time? At least then he wouldnt be in this mess.

Did you fall off that tree of yours and bang your head??? Teenagers, huh :rolleyes:!!!

OP, did he not have access to a nitebus, friends to stay with?? how come he was the only one to be left alone in town?? Its sounds so immature and it would not kill him to stay of the booze for a while...

chris85

Chucky the tree wrote: »

Lol. You were meant too collect him that night, but you feel asleep and you didnt bother charging your phone and then you blame him for this whole episode?

That's golden.

Do him him a favour and dump. Being stuck with you for life would be a killer. Maybe instead you should be curbing your nap time? At least then he wouldnt be in this mess.

Are you serious?

The OP falls asleep in the middle of the night as happens. The BF made the stupid decision to get in the car and put keys in ignition.

LegacyUser

niceoneted wrote: »

To the OP I think it is wise to discuss your concerns with your BF. I do also feel that while you have decided to curb your drinking alot it does not mean you have to judge everyone else's. I have a sister who did that and people stopped socialising with her.
Good luck with it and well done for cutting back.

Thank you. I agree with you. I don't give a damn what anyone else does, as long as it doesn't directly affect me!

LegacyUser

SarahSassy wrote: »

OP, did he not have access to a nitebus, friends to stay with?? how come he was the only one to be left alone in town?? Its sounds so immature and it would not kill him to stay of the booze for a while...

No nitebus, living in the country. Probably could have stayed in friends house, I have no answer for that. He went to get food and doesn't know where his friends were. Yes he acted very immaturely and now WE'RE paying the price for HIS mistake.

Leeby

Wait, what? Your boyfriend is silly when drunk, so silly that he decided to sleep in his car as he was too stupid to try getting a taxi or nitelink or anything. Yeah the outcome of that situation was bad but it's hardly a dumpable offence is it??! There must be more going on for you to think of leaving him for that?

Chucky the tree wrote: »

Lol. You were meant too collect him that night, but you feel asleep and you didnt bother charging your phone and then you blame him for this whole episode?

That's golden.

Do him him a favour and dump. Being stuck with you for life would be a killer. Maybe instead you should be curbing your nap time? At least then he wouldnt be in this mess.

That's bull! The guy should count himself lucky that he has a girlfriend that would normally chauffer him around when he's drinking! What happened was not the OP's fault!

LegacyUser

Leeby wrote: »

Wait, what? Your boyfriend is silly when drunk, so silly that he decided to sleep in his car as he was too stupid to try getting a taxi or nitelink or anything. Yeah the outcome of that situation was bad but it's hardly a dumpable offence is it??! There must be more going on for you to think of leaving him for that?

Em no, maybe I was a bit emotional when he told me or something. Thought he had a bit more respect for himself and me to do something that reckless. But thats why I'm not asking for advice on the relationship, just if its fair to ask him to make a major change.

Jack B. Badd

InaDilemma wrote: »

This weekend he goes out with some friends and goes clubbing. I usually collect him from town when this happens but this particular night I fall asleep and my phone is dead. He is stuck in town, can't get a taxi so decides to sleep in the car and get me too collect him in the morning. BIG mistake. Guards find him in the car and charge him for drink driving (or equivalent) so now he is facing being off the road. I am livid.

We had thee talk and I have decided to stay with him so thats not the issue. I told him that if we are to stay together he needs to think about how drink (and this episode) is not only affecting his life, but mine also. So now you get the title! BF plus drink equals stupid BF.

Hrmmm...the phrase "none so pure..." springs to mind. It seems like a mistake a lot of people could make whether or not they used to be wild. I get the impression that you're begrudging the fact that you've grown up and moved on from your old partying ways faster than he has and this incident has given you an opportunity to vent at him.
That said, cutting down on the booze would probably be in his best interests at this point. Expecting him to become teetotal might be a bit much though. The only person who can make that decision for him is him.

LegacyUser

Is that not the whole point? That he needs to mature and act more responsibly ie less drink?

sharkie2008

Jack B. Badd wrote: »

That said, cutting down on the booze would probably be in his best interests at this point. Expecting him to become teetotal might be a bit much though. The only person who can make that decision for him is him.

I dont think shes asking him to be teetotal, just to cut down on his drinking. op i don't think its at all unreasonable for you to ask him, however at the end of the day it is up to him. if you do ask him be prepared that he might say no, also he maybe half heartedly agree just to keep you happy for the time being. as its been said, its his decision to make

SarahSassy

InaDilemma wrote: »

No nitebus, living in the country. Probably could have stayed in friends house, I have no answer for that. He went to get food and doesn't know where his friends were. Yes he acted very immaturely and now WE'RE paying the price for HIS mistake.

Fair enough, I mistakenly thought it happened in Dublin (and I am a culchie so i know its not the centre of the universe but... )

jellie

InaDilemma wrote: »

This weekend he goes out with some friends and goes clubbing. I usually collect him from town when this happens but this particular night I fall asleep and my phone is dead. He is stuck in town, can't get a taxi so decides to sleep in the car and get me too collect him in the morning. BIG mistake. Guards find him in the car and charge him for drink driving (or equivalent) so now he is facing being off the road. I am livid.

To be honest i dont understand why youre quite so angry. he couldnt get home so he slept in the car. if i was sober & i couldnt get home i would sleep in my car (well that wouldnt make sense because id drive, but if there was a reason i couldnt drive). He is stuck in town, he cant get a taxi, its bloody freezing out lately, would you prefer he stayed outside in the freezing cold?

maybe the situation is not that simple, maybe he put the keys in or something? i dunno, you didnt give too much detail.

I also think you are a little bit to blame. your phone is also to blame, & ok people fall asleep, but if i have to collect someone i make SURE im awake. but then again im a worrier, id probably lie awake worrying that he hadnt come home imagining all sorts.

If you dont like his drinking then discuss this with him. but for this particular incident i think you might be being a little harsh.

Zombrex

InaDilemma wrote: »

Is that not the whole point? That he needs to mature and act more responsibly ie less drink?

I think you might be pinning too much hope on the idea that simply cutting out drink will make him "mature." In my experience, people can get drunk and still not end up doing stupid things like your boyfriend did.

This was an excuse I saw a lot in college from girls (and guys) who preferred to blame drink on all the bad behaviour their boyfriends did when drunk, fighting, being nasty, being stupid, getting hurt, cheating on them etc, that actually admit to themselves that their boyfriends were just dicks, basically. I remember thinking at the time that there are plenty of guys who can get drunk without turning into a Neanderthals, and I would still think that. Drink simply heightens what the person is already like.

So by all means ask him to curb his drinking. But I wouldn't hold my breath that you will get a new man. He needs to grow up himself, and drink has little to do with that. If he grows up going out drinking wouldn't be a problem.

LegacyUser

sar84 wrote: »

To be honest i dont understand why youre quite so angry. he couldnt get home so he slept in the car. if i was sober & i couldnt get home i would sleep in my car (well that wouldnt make sense because id drive, but if there was a reason i couldnt drive). He is stuck in town, he cant get a taxi, its bloody freezing out lately, would you prefer he stayed outside in the freezing cold?

maybe the situation is not that simple, maybe he put the keys in or something? i dunno, you didnt give too much detail.

I also think you are a little bit to blame. your phone is also to blame, & ok people fall asleep, but if i have to collect someone i make SURE im awake. but then again im a worrier, id probably lie awake worrying that he hadnt come home imagining all sorts.

If you dont like his drinking then discuss this with him. but for this particular incident i think you might be being a little harsh.

Maybe I am being harsh, but we stand to lose alot over this. As I said before, I did not know he was out, I got home from work and crashed. He tried to ring me and couldn't get through. Fast forward and its 3 in the morning and my bf decides to sleep in the car. Ok no biggie but he knew the law aswell as anyone. Now he will not be able to drive for 2 years and I will have to support him. Am I still being too harsh?

jellie

InaDilemma wrote: »

As I said before, I did not know he was out

oops sorry, i thought you knew you had to collect him. apologies.

nmk

Similar thing happened to a friend of mine who got convicted but successfully appealed the charge. Your bf needs to get a solicitor asap, he'll need phone records to prove (if it's possible) that he tried to call you to get a lift home, he'll need to accrue evidence (presumably witnesses and phonebill records) that he made a habit of using the wonderful gf taxi service on nights out - in short, he'll need to start establishing the fact that he did not intend to drive home that night. He might get off it if he has a good lawyer who will convince the judge that, yes, he is (maybe was by the time of the court case ) a pisshead who got caught in town without a lift but is sensible and conscientious enough not to drive home drunk. He needs to take this very seriously (I'm saying this not cos of anything you're saying about him but cos in the case of my friend, he didn't think he could get convicted for it in the first place and didn't turn up at the court hearing, hence the appeal and expense of hiring a barrister which was thankfully successful). I can understand your frustration with him (a conviction can bring about a sh*tload of hassle for a long time), but as your friend says, look at the bigger picture.

LegacyUser

Wicknight wrote: »

I think you might be pinning too much hope on the idea that simply cutting out drink will make him "mature." In my experience, people can get drunk and still not end up doing stupid things like your boyfriend did.

This was an excuse I saw a lot in college from girls (and guys) who preferred to blame drink on all the bad behaviour their boyfriends did when drunk, fighting, being nasty, being stupid, getting hurt, cheating on them etc, that actually admit to themselves that their boyfriends were just dicks, basically. I remember thinking at the time that there are plenty of guys who can get drunk without turning into a Neanderthals, and I would still think that. Drink simply heightens what the person is already like.

So by all means ask him to curb his drinking. But I wouldn't hold my breath that you will get a new man. He needs to grow up himself, and drink has little to do with that. If he grows up going out drinking wouldn't be a problem.

I agree with parts of what you said. The thing is he is not a neanderathal. He is kind, treats me well and is generally a good person. Not a saint, none of us are. But we have a good relationship.
I just posted here really because I guess I'm frustrated now because I try hard to build a better life for us as does he. But now because of his actions things are going to change. Maybe I am venting a little bit.
But the question still weighs on my mind. What if drink* was taken out of the equation?

(*by that I mean drinking sessions)

LegacyUser

nmk wrote: »

I can understand your frustration with him (a conviction can bring about a sh*tload of hassle for a long time), but as your friend says, look at the bigger picture.

Ya thinking of what might have happened mellows me out a bit.

Thanks guys for listening and for your advice, this has actually been quite therapeutic.

Jack B. Badd

InaDilemma wrote: »

Is that not the whole point? That he needs to mature and act more responsibly ie less drink?

Maybe he does but you can't make him (and less drink does not necessarily mean more maturity). Tbh the above is the kind of comment I'd expect to hear from a teenager's mother rather than a grown man's girlfriend... You can't take responsibility for his life and decide that one day he's going to just "grow up". That's his responsibility, not yours. If he doesn't, then I would imagine that either a compromise will have to be reached or the relationship will end at some point.

LegacyUser

Jack B. Badd wrote: »

I would imagine that either a compromise will have to be reached or the relationship will end at some point.

Well I guess thats the whole question isn't it.

jdivision

InaDilemma wrote: »

Now he will not be able to drive for 2 years and I will have to support him. Am I still being too harsh?

Guilty until proven innocent. Strange attitude to have towards your boyfriend so yes I think you are a bit. You've ranted to him and if he gets convicted rant at him again but don't assume that he'll be convicted cos he's been charged and you hear he might be convicted.

LegacyUser

I totally sympathise with you because i am in exactly the same position myself!!!! My boyfriend is always doing similar stupid things!! He is currently off the road for a year and isn't working because of it, on the other hand i am working really hard trying to make ends meet for both our sakes and i just find myself resenting him for the stupid things he has done in the past!!
I don't really have much advice to offer because i am feeling quite bitter about our whole situation but one thing i know is that i love him and he loves me and i think if it had been the other way around he would be doing the same for me!!
I hope it works out for you!

The Sweeper

InaDilemma, does your boyfriend drive for a living?

I think you're overreacting somewhat to put two and two together and make seven by deciding "he WILL get convicted, therefore he CANNOT work, therefore he won't do a moneymaking tap for two years, therefore I WILL HAVE to support him."

As someone already said, ensure your boyfriend appeals the severity of his conviction and point out that if he does not drive, he cannot keep his existing job.

If he does get banned from driving for two years, he'll have to see what he can do to get to and from his job.

I think you're a bigger fool if you decide that if he can't drive, you have to support him. I'd buy my husband a bicycle and tell him he'll be pretty fit by 2010.

Beruthiel

Chucky the tree wrote: »

Lol. You were meant too collect him that night, but you feel asleep and you didnt bother charging your phone and then you blame him for this whole episode?

That's golden.

Do him him a favour and dump. Being stuck with you for life would be a killer. Maybe instead you should be curbing your nap time? At least then he wouldnt be in this mess.

Cop yourself on Chucky.
He's a grown man, responsible for his own actions and she was doing him a favour by collecting him. She's not his mother.

AngryBadger

Sorry, mis-read the first post.

It does sound like your bf needs to take a look at himself.

Out of curiousity, when you're not around how does he usually get home?

denhaagenite

I don't know, I think he should have told you he was going out but at the same time this was a series of unfortunate events. Imo, he doesn't have a drinking problem and while it is healthy to cut down your drinking (doing the same thing myself at the moment), it wasn't exactly what contributed to this whole situation.

Sit down and have a long chat with him, I'm sure you'll sort everything out. By the way, how come the car is so important for his job? Does he drive for a living?

tbh

Your reaction would be appropriate had he actually driven the car home and been done for drink driving. As it is, he fell asleep in the car - what was he supposed to do? Sleep under it?

craichoe

I don't get what the problem is.

Falling asleep in your car with the keys out of the ignition but on your person constitutes drink driving.

In the eyes of the law he was in control of the vehicle while under the influence.

In reality he didnt actually drive anywhere, just slept in his car until he could sort something out in the morning or drive home.

If you have an issue with picking him up then you should tell him that you will not pick him up, i'm assuming he rang you because you'll do it for him.

It happens ! get over it !

How much would he have had to pay for a taxi home ?
How would you have felt if he spent this money and when he went out, how did you recon he was going to get home ?

He would have probably gotten away with this if he slept in the passenger seat with the keys in the boot, although most people wouldn't even think of this !

How Strange

craichoe wrote: »

I don't get what the problem is.
Falling asleep in your car with the keys out of the ignition but on your person constitutes drink driving.
In the eyes of the law he was in control of the vehicle while under the influence.
In reality he didnt actually drive anywhere, just slept in his car until he could sort something out in the morning or drive home.

Because he faces the possibility of losing his licence so how is he going to hold down a job if he can't drive so that will affect their relationship quite significantly.

How much would he have had to pay for a taxi home ?
How would you have felt if he spent this money and when he went out, how did you recon he was going to get home ?

They live in the country so no taxis and no nitelinks.
No idea what the second part means.

He would have probably gotten away with this if he slept in the passenger seat with the keys in the boot, although most people wouldn't even think of this !

He could have stayed with one of his friends. Even if the gardai hadn't caught him he could've gotten hypothermia considering how cold it was at the weekend. Falling asleep in a cold car with alcohol in your system is not a good idea. Either way it was a stupid thing to do.

I think what the OP is getting at is that she has changed her lifestyle and rarely drinks anymore. Her bf does and now she has become the taxi driver when he goes out and has to put up with him acting silly when drunk.

OP, is there any possibility that you falling asleep with a dead mobile phone was a passive aggressive attempt to teach the bf a lesson? Maybe you were just fed up with the whole situation and decided to show him that you can't be the permanent on call taxi when he goes out? And now that lesson has backfired on both of you.

I have to say I find it slightly implausible that you fell asleep and the phone was dead. I'm from the country so I know all about picking people up from the pub at 1am and trying to stay awake but I think there is slightly more to this than you are saying.

Either way, you and your bf have to discuss the issue of him socialising in the pub and how often he gets drunk because it clearly bothers you and will continue to affect your relationship. You also need to discuss how you're going to cope if he loses his licence. You need to get all the issues sorted out before that happens because you will be his 24/7 taxi service if that happens and maybe even the sole earner so if there was resentment there already it will just get worse in the future.

Zombrex

InaDilemma wrote: »

But the question still weighs on my mind. What if drink* was taken out of the equation? (*by that I mean drinking sessions)

Well that was kinda my point. Nothing much. He is who he is, he is as mature as he is. He either grows up a bit or he doesn't grow up a bit. The drink has actually little to do with it. It is perfectly possible for someone to go out and drink and not do what your boyfriend did (leave his mates, wander off on his own, sleep in his car, get caught by the cops).

LegacyUser

Hi thanks for all the replies, on break need to be quick.

@jdivision
I thought there was a zero tolerance attitude taken in these situations

@same story
I sympathise and hope everything works out well for both of you

@minesajackdaniels
He really does depend on the car for work. Living in the sticks aswell so not much chance of him getting a job locally. That will remain to be seen.

@AngryBadger
This is not the first time he's fallen asleep in the car after a night out. After I would give him the whole y'know 'you shouldn't do that, the consquences are bad if the guards find you there etc' but i guess he thought it wouldn't happen to him.

@denhaagenite & tbh & craichoe
I don't think he has a drinking problem either. There are two pubs down the road within walking distance and would have no problem in the world if he wanted to go there and drink until he fell home (joking a bit). Its just the nearest town has the nightclub and the crowds so its extremly hard to get a taxi home when everyone streams onto the streets at 3 in the morning. The cost of the taxi is not an issue, its actually finding one.

I don't know what he was supposed to do in that situation, left in town with no way home, i agree, this was a series of unfortunate events. But what do we do from here. Clearly drinking in town is not working. Who wants to get out of their warm cozy beds in the middle of the night to collect somebody, i'd prefer if i didn't have to. And yes of course I'll 'get over it'.

I don't know where the line is with the law on this sort of thing. I had understood before if you even had the keys on your person and used them to open the door of you car whilst drunk that it was enough to be done. ??

hullaballoo

niceoneted wrote: »

hullaballú you might as well have read on in that act and you would have found the following in particular sub section (2) would apply here.

http://www.irishstatutebook.ie/1961/en/act/pub/0024/sec0050.html


To the OP I think it is wise to discuss your concerns with your BF. I do also feel that while you have decided to curb your drinking alot it does not mean you have to judge everyone else's. I have a sister who did that and people stopped socialising with her.
Good luck with it and well done for cutting back.

Ya. Good lads. You see, no one ever said he had the keys in the ignition when I posted. If he didn't, then it's not drink driving. Of course he can be charged - the Gardaí can charge you with everything. He can only be convicted if there's to meet the proofs that are set out in the legislation.

I mean, I was trying to give the girl a bit of help - she presumably doesn't want her boyfriend to get a conviction. I think it's hilarious that people will jump down your throat for giving some real practical advice, but when you launch into some sort of Dr Phil spasm, you're lauded as a great philosopher and psychoanalyst.

punchestown

I think you need to throw your full support behind your boyfriend particularly in relation to this drink driving chapter. He faces a day in court, with the months of stress and fear leading up to that day. Depending on the judge on the day, he could get away with a contribution to the poor box or stung with a driving ban. He needs a very good solicitor who will put the effort required into this case to convince the judge that your bf was bedding down in the car that night and had no intention to drive. The stress leading up to the court case could cause your boyfriend to take to the drink even more so. Allow him off the lead once in a while. What results from the court case could impact heavily on your future together. If your boyfriend escapes with a fine, having had your full support and backing, he should then be in a position to prioritize whats most important in his life. Is it the drink, that took him to court, caused him all the hours of anguish and stress and nearly cost him a lot or is it his girlfriend who stood by him through his crisis and helped him out the other side?

LegacyUser

How Strange wrote: »

I think what the OP is getting at is that she has changed her lifestyle and rarely drinks anymore. Her bf does and now she has become the taxi driver when he goes out and has to put up with him acting silly when drunk.

OP, is there any possibility that you falling asleep with a dead mobile phone was a passive aggressive attempt to teach the bf a lesson? Maybe you were just fed up with the whole situation and decided to show him that you can't be the permanent on call taxi when he goes out? And now that lesson has backfired on both of you.

I have to say I find it slightly implausible that you fell asleep and the phone was dead. I'm from the country so I know all about picking people up from the pub at 1am and trying to stay awake but I think there is slightly more to this than you are saying.

Either way, you and your bf have to discuss the issue of him socialising in the pub and how often he gets drunk because it clearly bothers you and will continue to affect your relationship. You also need to discuss how you're going to cope if he loses his licence. You need to get all the issues sorted out before that happens because you will be his 24/7 taxi service if that happens and maybe even the sole earner so if there was resentment there already it will just get worse in the future.

Haha I think you've hit the nail on the head with this one! If I search the deepest darkest recesses of my mind maybe I am resentful. I didn't switch my phone off or anything like that. Just genuinely wrecked and selfishly switched myself off!
Theres no more or no less to this story I'm telling you. Fundamentaly I don't have a problem with having the odd drinking session with your mates, just what can the compromise be between juggling a social life in ballygobackwards with striving for the best future we can give ourselves. Maybe it is the 'how often' bit that really is the thing we need to be taking about.

LegacyUser

punchestown wrote: »

I think you need to throw your full support behind your boyfriend particularly in relation to this drink driving chapter. He faces a day in court, with the months of stress and fear leading up to that day. Depending on the judge on the day, he could get away with a contribution to the poor box or stung with a driving ban. He needs a very good solicitor who will put the effort required into this case to convince the judge that your bf was bedding down in the car that night and had no intention to drive. The stress leading up to the court case could cause your boyfriend to take to the drink even more so. Allow him off the lead once in a while. What results from the court case could impact heavily on your future together. If your boyfriend escapes with a fine, having had your full support and backing, he should then be in a position to prioritize whats most important in his life. Is it the drink, that took him to court, caused him all the hours of anguish and stress and nearly cost him a lot or is it his girlfriend who stood by him through his crisis and helped him out the other side?

He will have 110% of my support. I've told him that I would prefer to have him in my life with zero in the bank as opposed to being wealthy without him. I understand everyone needs 'me' time. We are strong together but on the same note I don't want to put all my effort into getting him the good solictor etc as I think if he has to do some of the hard work himself, it will stand to him better.

brokensoul

I imagine that what your boyfriend is being charged with is being "drunk in charge" of the vehicle. This is a serious offence.

What he will need to try and prove is that he had no intention of driving the car. Things that may go in his favour are if the keys were not in the ignition, if he was not in the driving seat, if he had a blanket over him etc. I have seen many convictions in these cases though,

tell him to get a good solicitor and fight everything if he needs his car for work etc.

funk-you

Are you pissed off at his drinking or that what he gets up to inconveniences your plans?

-Funk

craichoe

Because he faces the possibility of losing his licence so how is he going to hold down a job if he can't drive so that will affect their relationship quite significantly.

It happens, so what, he didn't drive home drunk. I don't know what part of the country you live in but you could easily be waiting 3-4 hours in some places.

They live in the country so no taxis and no nitelinks.
No idea what the second part means.

My point is how was she expecting him to get home ?
How much would a taxi have cost.

He could have stayed with one of his friends. Even if the gardai hadn't caught him he could've gotten hypothermia considering how cold it was at the weekend. Falling asleep in a cold car with alcohol in your system is not a good idea. Either way it was a stupid thing to do.

Again, waiting around 3-4 hours for a bloody taxi, can't check into a hotel or B&B at that time either. Where else was he going to sleep ?

I think what the OP is getting at is that she has changed her lifestyle and rarely drinks anymore. Her bf does and now she has become the taxi driver when he goes out and has to put up with him acting silly when drunk.

Yes, but that doesnt mean he has to change his lifestyle.
What would they have done before she was the "taxi driver" in this situation?

Anyway, a driving ban isn't the end of the world. At worst i'd say 6 months, at best a fine and a slap on the wrists if he has no prior record.

nmk

craichoe wrote: »

My point is how was she expecting him to get home ?

I agree that it's the kind of scrape that anyone can get into (if they don't plan a night out properly, book a taxi, arrange to share lifts, arrange a lift home) and I don't agree with giving him dogs abuse over it but it really was irresponsible of him and if I was the op my problem with it would be that he should be big enough and ugly enough to arrange nights out in their entirety, not just the drinking session. Yep he was unlucky and could've gotten away with it but it's not like it's a shocker that the cops are out looking for people who might drink drive at that hour on a weekend night.

Anyway, a driving ban isn't the end of the world. At worst i'd say 6 months, at best a fine and a slap on the wrists if he has no prior record.

If convicted, he has a criminal record, (afaik) can't drive a car abroad, can never get visas to work in certain countries, his employer may not be willing to rehire him after the ban is served and he will have to disclose this to potential employers if they ask about convictions. I don't know about anyone else but I would be pretty p*ssed off to have to deal with this kind of stuff at 29-30 when you're trying to get your life sorted house-wise/career wise etc. Having the option of working/travelling abroad or even taking a job that requires you to drive a moderate amount pretty much ruled out, is severely limiting for both partners in a relationship. No, it's not the end of the world but it's not exactly a dream situation for either of them, our actions good and bad, smart and stupid have implications for our partners.

craichoe

craichoe wrote:

My point is how was she expecting him to get home ?
How much would a taxi have cost.

1- she said she didnt know he was out
2- she is not his mother. he is 29-30, he is bloody old enough to figure out how he's going to get home after a night out. it's not her job.
if she was always picking him up then yes, it's an issue, but he didnt tell her and didnt arrange anything else on this night. his responsbility.

Again, waiting around 3-4 hours for a bloody taxi, can't check into a hotel or B&B at that time either. Where else was he going to sleep ?

He could have arranged a lift or a couch at a friend's house as has already been suggested. hell, he could have ordered a taxi in advance or something.
even crazier idea, he could have not gone out if he didnt have a definite way of getting back. noone was forcing him to go.

Yes, but that doesnt mean he has to change his lifestyle.

No, but he can take some responsbility for it and realise how his actions affect her because there are two of them in it.

LegacyUser

nmk wrote: »

If convicted, he has a criminal record, (afaik).

Is this the case. If so its even worse that I thought.

nmk

Hopefully that won't happen. The courts don't try to penalise people out of hand, the trick is to get a good lawyer who will present the case in such a way as to cast reasonable doubt on his intent to drive. The guy I know that won his appeal actually had the engine running to keep warm while he was sleeping!

I know it's an added stress you could both do without but there is a chance he can come through without major penalties being applied. If he is convicted, appeal, but deal with that when/if it comes. Best of luck and try not to stress over it. If it minimises your worrying, keep tabs on him to ensure that he gets on top of managing the legal/evidence side of things. If it's causing rows between you every time it's brought up just leave it for a while until you've both calmed down about it.

As others have said, you're a couple, you need to deal with this together and look at how you handle stressful hiccups. It's unfortunate he was charged as he would not have considered driving home. The guards couldn't have known that he was just an unlucky and ill-prepared to make his way home and have to keep roadusers (including your bf) safe.

barbiegirl

Oh my God I don't even know what to say. I'm a 32 year old female in a very stable relationship, a very good job, we own 2 houses and work very hard, both of us, from Monday to Friday.
If my fiancee wants to go out with his mates on his own and have a few, 7-8 pints, of a weekend night and comes in a bit pi**ed I work on the basis of he's had some fun, yes he'll be hung over but well I've been there after nights out with my mates.
I think a lot of people here are being very judgemental. He has nights out with his mates, on this occasion he couldn't get home and all hell has broken out. He is responsible for himself and of course you worry, so do I but you know something, I'm his partner not his mother and you say he doesn't have a drink problem.
It sounds to me like you may have grown up, changed your outlook on life and now you expect him to. That's unfair. Voice your views, see what his are but you know something if he isn't willing to go down your route you can't make him. Then you need to think about what you want from life.
Both my partner and I often go on nights out where we don't drink, we as often go out together and drink and sometimes one more than the other. If a drink problem was an issue I'd tackle it, but social drinking, you're being a bit harsh.