No GirlFriend

LegacyUser

Hey,
first time poster. Just looking for some advice or thoughs. Im mid 20's with good job...I'm quite a good looking guy(Ive been told),love sport,keepin fit etc..was in a relationship for 3 years a couple of years ago..it ended amicably. The problem is I'm finding it hard to meet someone...going to pubs and clubs just don't seem to work. A lot of my friends are starting to settle down and gettin a bit concerned!! I dont see myself going to singles nites etc...any ideas???Anyone in a similar situation-the funny thing is when Im out,its been said by a few people'I thought you'd have a gf,good lookin guy like ya'-by the way Im not an asshole,im good fun,humerous etc.

CCCP^

Mackey we're all in the same boat. The 20s are like this treacherous ocean that you have to cross. You can either cross it on a piece of drift wood with little or no dignity or piece of mind or you can hold out on those stormy sea's and land on paradise. I'm 23 and I haven't had a girlfriend in fecking ages and I'm not worried either. Just chill it out, you seem like a nice fella and eventually the girls will cope onto that. Also dont have any sexual crime convictions against you. That helps.

Petey2006

Same boat. We should start a club or something. I'm 26, I've a good job, just bought an apartment, blah blah blah. I guess it's just a matter of not looking so hard and it'll happen in time. I'm not too concerned!

Loki1983

Is there room for another 24 yr old single white male, who is quite good looking, has a good job etc. on this boat?

Don't be worrying about getting a girlfriend. If you do it'll never happen.

LegacyUser

Lads you seem to be forgetting your in your absolute prime...so don't be dwelling on how you really want a girlfriend...there are so many goodlooking girls out there who would love to see your nice apppartments that you just bought if you know what i mean...so don't be focusing on getting a girlfriend...and just chill out and have fun!

fuzzywiggle

It'll all happen in its own good time. Don't force it or rush it. It'll all come together when you're least expecting it. So relax, enjoy life, live it up and if you can do that you're sorted.

Drift

Same boat here lads, it appears that none of us are alone. 25 and doing well for myself in most things except the ladies department :rolleyes:. I'm just going by the motto that if I get out and partake in activities and socialise while being myself some "lucky" girl will eventually like what she sees. Hang in there OP and above all be yourself.

chump

Well if you've got a good job and own an apartment and are good looking! - what else can a woman want?

Hey... My name is Chase, I have a good job, I've just bought my own apartment and I'm also quite good looking


yawwwwwwwwwn

LegacyUser

Hate to burst the bubble, but maybe you guys aren't as good looking and cool as you think?

I'm more or less the same age, not particularly good looking, but I certainly have no problem finding girls.

Stench Blossoms

Maybe you throw off the wrong vibe?

Just a thought.

TheDriver

Same boat here and lads, try the internet dating thing and you will have dates as long as your not a sleazeball!

chuci

sure if youre in your mid twenties shouldnt you be spreading you "good looking" proverbial wild oats in your new apartments? maybe you are just giving off the wrong vibe.wait relax and just enjoy.

iwincosimcool

this thread has so many good looking fellas

bman

This is a funny thread. So many good looking guys! If you go around with that attitude your probably coming across as an ass. And good looks won't do much for you if you act like an ass.

Dudess

cheesedude wrote: »

there are so many goodlooking girls out there who would love to see your nice apppartments that you just bought if you know what i mean...so don't be focusing on getting a girlfriend...and just chill out and have fun!

Yes indeed, have fun but don't just use girls for a shag while secretly thinking they're sluts for "puting out" when they've just met you. Having that attitude, if any of you have it, can be quite an obstacle to meeting potential girlfriends. Not many girls want boyfriends like that.

LegacyUser

Dudess wrote: »

Yes indeed, have fun but don't just use girls for a shag while secretly thinking they're sluts for "puting out" when they've just met you. Having that attitude, if any of you have it, can be quite an obstacle to meeting potential girlfriends. Not many girls want boyfriends like that.

No of course not...only think they are sluts when you get bored of them. That's the difference.

Marksie

and what was his thread about again?

get it back on topic please and i am singling out iwincosimcool, bman and cheesedude

LegacyUser

How did this thread turn out like this?? What sort of internet dating is good,is there any sites or any on boards.ie?

LegacyUser

im a single 26 yr old female and i would be flattered if a guy just came up to me and asked me for my number. be proactive and dont wait until youre drunk in a pub/club. be confident. whats the worst that could happen? most girls would be flattered. i think we need to copy the americans re their style of dating people. its no big deal. enjoy it and have fun! my new years resolution is to ask a guy out - ive never done that before!

LegacyUser

Well lads, just so you know it's just the same for us girls - glad to hear that there are lads out there who feel the same! I'm 23, doing well, got a degree, good job, own house etc. have a laught but have yet to be in a serious relationship or meet anyone special.... when the time is right it'll happen, i suppose, is the best way to look at it... would be nice to have it now though

BubbleWrap85

Ha Mackey ya should read my thread, you're like the male version of me or something, well, similar anyhow! :P "Online dating the way to go??"

Baudelaire

Lads you can't just expect it to just fall in your laps, how much effort do you actually put into pursuing someone you're attracted to? internet dating is easy because it's a computer that makes the match and takes the responsibility out of your hands but have you considered taking the responsibility on board yourself. Having a good job/own appartment etc means nothing on a night out because a girl doesn't know that when she first see's you and then if it's the first thing you feel the need to mention she's most likely going to get offended because she'll think you only see her as shallow and she only cares about financial status. Try letting her get to know your worth as a person/friend/potential boyfriend first rather than your worth as an asset.

Lux23

Im the same. Im 25 and have been single for most of my life. But since I turned 18 I can honestly say that there have only been three men I have met that I was really mad about it, I went out with all three of them but it always fizzled out after a couple of months. I do get down about it sometimes but I try to just concentrate on other things. The right man will come along at some stage and in the mean time I can just have a laugh. Theres nothing else one can do.

Marksie

Lux23: I disagree. Waiting for somene to come along is not the way to go.
If you want to find somene you have to actively look. Be proactive and know what you want.

if you sit and wait one day you will turn around and find that life has gone by you.

Lux23

Marksie wrote: »

Lux23: I disagree. Waiting for somene to come along is not the way to go.
If you want to find somene you have to actively look. Be proactive and know what you want.

if you sit and wait one day you will turn around and find that life has gone by you.

How do you mean actively look? Its not like I sit in every weekend waiting for my phone to ring, im out having fun and meeting new people all the time. Theres not much else you can do.

Dudess

Lux23 wrote: »

Im the same. Im 25 and have been single for most of my life. But since I turned 18 I can honestly say that there have only been three men I have met that I was really mad about it, I went out with all three of them but it always fizzled out after a couple of months. I do get down about it sometimes but I try to just concentrate on other things. The right man will come along at some stage and in the mean time I can just have a laugh. Theres nothing else one can do.

"Only three men"? That's pretty good. I'm 29 and since I was 19 I've met four men I was absolutely mad about. I consider that good going. Plenty of people meet NOBODY they're mad about. It's pretty rare to meet someone you're mad about actually. If that was a regular occurrence Personal Issues would be a much quieter forum...

LegacyUser

girl_23 wrote: »

Well lads, just so you know it's just the same for us girls - glad to hear that there are lads out there who feel the same! I'm 23, doing well, got a degree, good job, own house etc. have a laught but have yet to be in a serious relationship or meet anyone special.... when the time is right it'll happen, i suppose, is the best way to look at it... would be nice to have it now though

i know what ya mean! doin the whole single thing for the last ages and been havin a whole loada fun with it BUT i really wouldnt mind gettin into a relationship again. had one serious relationship and been single for 3 yrs since then.started goin out with that same girl and ended it close to 3 weeks after..needed to figure out if i still had feelings for her. now that i know i dont, i think i can actually start with a clean slate. the thing that really p**ses me of is that now if find someone that i actually like,the whole thing has to be built up AGAIN! i mean the trust, getting to understand the other person etc. its just so much effort..and yes im in the same boat,if i meet up with a nice girl and she "puts out" on the first date i automatically think she does it with everybody..pity.my way of thinkin i mean.cant help it though!

Kold

Marksie wrote: »

Lux23: I disagree. Waiting for somene to come along is not the way to go.
If you want to find somene you have to actively look. Be proactive and know what you want.

if you sit and wait one day you will turn around and find that life has gone by you.

From what I've seen this is the difference between men and women tbh. Women are able to go out, have a laugh, have no particular motives but still find a man at the end of the night. If you're a bloke out having a laugh, not a lot of women will go out of their way to come talk to you, even if you're 'quite good looking' lol. Unless ofcourse you're a God on the dancefloor which, seeing as it takes about 6 pints before I'll even think of displaying my lack of rhythm.

LegacyUser

This tread is reading my mind. Im 21/m and not bad to look at. I go out 2/3 nights a week. I really don't like the cattle in a small room feel of nightclubs and much prefer talking to the girls before anything. But invariably the girl I am attracted to and enjoy talking to has a boyfriend. It gets exhausting and feels pointless after a while. May try the online dating thing, everyone on the board seems to be a spokesperson for them. My only concern would be someone I know seeing my profile online, would you not come off a bit desperate. And are there really as many single girls lookin for guys in Dublin?!!!

Dudess

stat:single wrote: »

if i meet up with a nice girl and she "puts out" on the first date i automatically think she does it with everybody..pity.my way of thinkin i mean.cant help it though!

The really pity is that you're quite happy to "put out" too though.

Maybe you should work on changing your thinking in that regard. Saying you "can't help it" is a cop-out. If you let go of such attitudes towards women (and I'm not saying you're nasty, you've just been indoctrinated into a particular mind-set) you might find them having more interest in you.
An open-minded guy, not influenced by his peers, is very attractive and far more of a man than a macho type.

Pepe LeFrits

bman wrote: »

This is a funny thread. So many good looking guys! If you go around with that attitude your probably coming across as an ass. And good looks won't do much for you if you act like an ass.

Yeah, imagine, having self confidence - what kind of fools are these guys???

Gyalist

The Valentine's Day industry is doing a fantastic job marketing the day judging by all the similar posts in the last week or so about not being in a relationship.

LegacyUser

stat:single wrote: »

if i meet up with a nice girl and she "puts out" on the first date i automatically think she does it with everybody..pity.my way of thinkin i mean.cant help it though!

Of course you can't help it...her actions have led you to believe this. Most guys have less self control than girls regarding sex and are constantly thinking of sex/looking for sex whereas women don't(although some do)...so when a women starts acting like a man by putting out first night etc, the general consensus is that she is a slut.

Dudess

Gyalist: LOL, great point.
cheesedude: then the guy's a slut too for not keeping it in his trousers. If she's that disgusting, don't have sex with her. Otherwise your standards are damn low too.

LegacyUser

Dudess wrote: »

Gyalist: LOL, great point.
cheesedude: then the guy's a slut too for not keeping it in his trousers. If she's that disgusting, don't have sex with her. Otherwise your standards are damn low too.

I agree with you...that's my other point, guys especially when they drink tend to lower their standards a fair bit too....and while the guys are acting slutty, the girls always get the rough end of the stick...even from other girls, they tend to call her a slut too. I've heard it myself.

I think this whole way of thinking comes from the fact that everyone just says guys think of sex...so when guys act like sluts, they don't get called sluts because the girl must be worse....only because she is a girl !!!

Dudess

It's very, very vicious though to accept sex/head off someone - even if she's offering it - and then calling her a disgusting slut afterwards. Whatever about saying it after refusing her offer, but still happily complying and then saying those things? That's a very dark ugly side to the male psyche.

LegacyUser

Dudess wrote: »

It's very, very vicious though to accept sex/head off someone - even if she's offering it - and then calling her a disgusting slut afterwards. Whatever about saying it after refusing her offer, but still happily complying and then saying those things? That's a very dark ugly side to the male psyche.

lol i suppose it is...but it's not as bad as it sounds...i've seen cases where the guys go back again and again...until it turns into some sort of **** buddy thing even if they think she is a slut...they won't tell her that obviously...

Even one of my friends who is single and plays the field...i was talking to him recently about a certain girl and he said "Yeah I'm just interested in this girl more than the others...and it's nothing to do with looks, it' s because she didn't put out first night and it seems like she is classy..."

Classy in his words = Potential girlfriend material

MIN2511

There are a lot of single people here, i am 22 good looking but single! Single for over a year after a 5yr relationship, the first year being single was good but now i want a bf.
Done with college(nearly) very good job e.t.c. and life couldn't be better, but still single.
I tried the online dating game(plentoffish) but lost interest after a few days.
Jeez, suggestion does boards have an online dating forum e.t.c. It would be fun!

Lux23

cheesedude wrote: »

I agree with you...that's my other point, guys especially when they drink tend to lower their standards a fair bit too....and while the guys are acting slutty, the girls always get the rough end of the stick...even from other girls, they tend to call her a slut too. I've heard it myself.

I think this whole way of thinking comes from the fact that everyone just says guys think of sex...so when guys act like sluts, they don't get called sluts because the girl must be worse....only because she is a girl !!!

Maybe I am better of single. So many Irish men have a vicious Madonna/Whore complex, maybe it stems from their own perceived sexual inadequancy??? You don't get this with other nationalities as much.

Drift

Lux23 wrote: »

Maybe I am better of single. So many Irish men have a vicious Madonna/Whore complex, maybe it stems from their own perceived sexual inadequancy???

I can't deny this because I see it coming out in myself sometimes and have to stop and tell myself it's wrong to think that way. However, and I hate generalisations, Irish men are definitely not perfect but neither are Irish women and to date I've still found that Irish men seem to be best matched by Irish women and Irish women tend to be best matched by Irish men. We've grown up with the same culture and tend to have similar senses of humour. (Basically we think the same :rolleyes: sad or what!)

Edit: There are frequent after hours threads saying "Irish women are frigid/stuck up/whatever else you have" and "Irish men are Mammy's boys/ have double standards/ etc." To some degree these threads are accurate, they tend to be very one sided though. A much better thread would be "Irish men and Irish women both behave strangely in some circumstances but in the long run suit each other well"

Wibbs

If you're single and desperate, then you have to open yourselves up to the possibility that "just being yourself" is not working. While I wouldn't suggest that you change yourself on a basic level, I would say that you should reel in those parts of you that lose their interest at the start. This is doubly true for men. Don't be needy, over emotional or pushy. This comes across as creepy. Value yourself higher than her until you get to know her. Don't put her on a pedestal as that's an uncomfortable place to be for her. Talk to women you're not interested in. Truly realise that women are not aliens. They've similar needs to you. Be fun. Don't whine or be overly emo. Don't be overly macho either. Don't boast about yourself. A good trait is better discovered in someone than advertised. Rinse and repeat.

Dudess wrote: »

It's very, very vicious though to accept sex/head off someone - even if she's offering it - and then calling her a disgusting slut afterwards. Whatever about saying it after refusing her offer, but still happily complying and then saying those things? That's a very dark ugly side to the male psyche.

I agree with you. If you feel that way about a woman, then don't have sex with her.

I will say that the double standard will take a long time to change, if it ever will. While we have contraception and are heading in the direction of sexual equality nowadays, our 100,000 year old primitive brain is still in the driving seat. The double standard exists because of that reproductive difference between men and women. A man will be cautious of a woman that "puts out" simply because if he invests time in a relationship with her, he is less sure that any children he may have are his. A man can never be absolutely sure his kids are his without resorting to a DNA test. A woman always knows. Big diff. The virginal type is a better bet genetically/biologically to the male primitive brain. A male "slut" is valued higher simply because if so many women are prepared to sleep with him, he has a higher biological value in the eyes of those women and any women he meets. Men cautiously admire him for the same reasons. Many women want to "tame" a bad boy, a sexual gadabout, for that reason, even if they won't admit it. Fewer men want to tame the bad girl by comparison, except when younger, or if they have fewer options. While fashions, society and attitudes may change those basic traits are not too far from the surface, even if lip service is paid either way. If I was a woman, I would be having sex as much as I could. I would be discrete about it though. The sad fact is as a man I don't need to be as discrete.

Lux23

Drift wrote: »

. A much better thread would be "Irish men and Irish women both behave strangely in some circumstances but in the long run suit each other well"

Thats very true. I think we are very immature sexually, how we managed to breed so much in the past is beyond me!!:D

JustCoz

Wow Wibbs, that post is really insightful :rolleyes:

Wibbs wrote:

Value yourself higher than her until you get to know her.

Why would you do that? Would you not just see yourself as being on an equal footing? If this attitude comes accross it would be really unattractive

Wibbs wrote:

A man will be cautious of a woman that "puts out" simply because if he invests time in a relationship with her, he is less sure that any children he may have are his. A man can never be absolutely sure his kids are his without resorting to a DNA test. A woman always knows. Big diff.

How do you figure?

Marksie

Lux23 wrote: »

How do you mean actively look? Its not like I sit in every weekend waiting for my phone to ring, im out having fun and meeting new people all the time. Theres not much else you can do.

I would contend that being in nightclubs/ pubs is actually THE worst place to meet people with whom you want a realtionship. They are juts a bunch of immature drunks at the end of the night with all the emotional maturity of clams.

Lux23 wrote: »

Maybe I am better of single. So many Irish men have a vicious Madonna/Whore complex, maybe it stems from their own perceived sexual inadequancy??? You don't get this with other nationalities as much.

You have hit on intersting points
Its not a percieved sexual inadequacy and fear, its very real. It then manifests as the apparent double standards.
If they got off their backsides and actually got out there and became self reliant then they would be better suited to mature adult relationships. As it is teh perception of frightened mammy's boys covering inadequacy by bluster is all to real

Drift

In order to provide some reference for people with the same issues in future and to prevent all these "single on valentines" posts from going way off topic I put a post in humanities about it:

Queue shameless promotion of my own post:
http://www.boards.ie/vbulletin/showthread.php?t=2055234770

Marksie

You are right aoife000: PI isnt a dating agency.

OK Drift : you are right as well all discussion about dating to go to humanities. Clear the thread for the OP

Rob_l

Another silly thread any thread that starts off with im not bad looking clearly has you going down the wrong road gents.

To any of the replies doubting Irish women or women in general, is that your defense mechanism for being rejected? Easier to blame someone else than accept you got it wrong and seek help to fix your problem!

DO NOT go out with the view I will get a woman tonight you will smell of desperation and insecurity.

DO go out to have fun and talk to interesting women

DO NOT get goal driven (I mist get laid tonoight)

DO set targets to talk to as many women as possible but not with the view of any success/failure.

Most males I know or have ever met who have problems in this area always say "I cant meet women they dont like me", then when I see them out I understand, they act like jackasses.
Sure its good to have fun and tease women a bit but if thats all you got your a CLOWN and who wants to go out with a clown?

Sure women aren't always the most responsive to your attempts to chat to them in pubs/clubs, would you be responsive if you got five ten drunk guys a night trying to "chat you up" by mumbling incoherently and dribbling beer down their top!
Bring something new to equation be clever witty smart have something interesting to talk about used canned material if you cant think for yourself!

But first admit your doing something wrong either you stand around until late in the night and then when full of dutch courage you go storming over determined to chat up the woman you ave been staring at all night.

OR

Just stand there all night and then at the end of the night wonder how you didn't meet any women!

Either of those sound familiar?
do you see any problems with either method?

aoife000

Marksie wrote: »

You are right aoife000: PI isnt a dating agency.

It's called being proactive to his situation mate

Marksie

aoife000 wrote: »

It's called being proactive to his situation mate

. Not the right forum i am afraid.
ok back on topic

Wibbs

JustCoz wrote: »

Wow Wibbs, that post is really insightful :rolleyes:

Why thank you.

Why would you do that?

Because it works basically.

Would you not just see yourself as being on an equal footing?

In manners and basic respect due to a fellow person of course. Emotionally no. I meet someone out on a night, I have no clue what she's like and will not reduce my value just because I find her attractive. She's not the only woman in the world so she has to engage me emotionally as much as I have to engage her. I would expect the same of her TBH. It's hard to explain and it's not something conscious, but it's in one's general demeanour.

There is a balance, but it's not equal in most cases especially at the start.. The woman in most initial encounters is the one with the power. The guy is usually the one who approaches the woman. The woman is the one who then decides whether she likes him or not. His looks are the first thing, followed by confidence, emotional maturity and fun level. Because the woman usually makes these choices and can blow the guy out at any stage, she has the "power" in this encounter. She is vetting a potential partner and can walk at any time. Naturally as a woman has far more to lose by picking a wrong un'.

So you see it's not on an equal footing, at least at first encounter. First date it balances out more and with each successive encounter it becomes more and more inclusive and equal(best case scenario anyway).

Letting it all hang out and being yourself doesn't work either or at least not to the extent it's portrayed. This is the most common advice I've seen given to men who are having issues with attracting women. It's advice usually given by women too. It doesn't work. Simply because if it did, the guys wouldn't be here wondering why they're without a girlfriend. Everyone puts their best foot forward when seeking a partner. Both men and women pick clothes and looks that attempt to compliment their physical appearance. The low light in pickup nightclubs makes everyone look better. Women in particular "lie" about how they look with clothes hair and makeup. They'll wear uplift bras and control pants(the mind always boggled )Men do it too. We both preen our physical image to appeal to who we want to appeal to. The billion quid fashion industry is evidence enough of that. People will even inject botulism into their faces to help.

So that's the physical. The personality is and should be the same. Sometimes a persons personality needs to do some gym time to get fitter(more attractive). They may need to cover up or work on faults to become more attractive. We should be ourselves, but the best ourselves we can be. That's all I'm saying. You must observe, learn and know the game before you can play. If anyone doesn't think this game has rules, show up to a nightclub wearing overalls with your hair in bits and covered in mud and see how you get on. Do the same as a woman and see how you get on. Extreme example but true nonetheless.

(I put most and usually in italics to stave of the exceptions argument)

If this attitude comes accross it would be really unattractive

Really? While I agree that arrogance in a person is unattractive, arrogant men attract far more women than "sensitive" men do. That's the reality. Now as I say it's a balance. Confidence with openness is the aim.

How do you figure?

Simple evolutionary biology. Organisms need to reproduce and pass on their genes. Males, unless they observe the females at all times after mating can't be sure another male has got in before or since. The male can't be sure any offspring(his genes) are his. As a male he will attempt to minimise the risk. He will look for a female that is less likely to stray. Promiscuous females are simply a higher risk. He may take that risk if the female is a higher value to him, but in general he won't. Females attempt to secure the best genes for their offspring. They however always know their offspring are theirs simply because they give birth to them. They may be torn about a male who has a higher value that has reproduced(or had sex) with other women. On the one hand he's probably high value because of his success, but he is more likely to stray and not be around when she needs help with the offspring(especially true in humans). A ower value male is a better longterm bet, but he may not have the best genes but that's offset by his reliability.

You can observe this in other animals and among our closest relatives. It's a fascinating subject. Men and women have different reproductive strategies and that's why the double standard exists. It may change over time, but it is there, just under the surface.

hupyago

It seems we need a dating branch of boards
with all these single people
all good lookin and with everything going for them
how about someone starts a group on social.ie
for all of us twenty somethings looking for love
just an idea ,welcome to any better ones
if we used a map to locate members and get a little network going
with all these people alone on boards why not remedy it with a networking capability