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Does violence always mean the end?

  • 06-02-2008 2:20am
    #1
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 166,026 ✭✭✭✭


    Hi. Was on this a little while ago and ye gave me good advice bout stuff thats too embarrassing and upsetting to share with friends or family so here goes again... Basically been having rows with my boyfriend again after what was a relatively "good" patch. Seems like theres no end to our vicious cycle of arguments.. Rows were over somewhat trivial stuff with a few hurtful comments thrown in for good measure on either of our behalves. Usually I hold back a bit when we argue cos 1) I have a temper and 2) I know he'll go mad and the fight will escalate if I tell him how I really feel. Decided today that I was gonna tell him honestly how I feel bout these arguments. Just been feeling like I cant handle things anymore, like im losing my grip on reality or something. Anyway was through instant messaging on the net so felt safer sayin it like that.. Came home tonight feeling guilty about telling him how I really feel bout these rows but wasnt long til it all blew up again. I ended up slapping him in the face. Feel so ashamed of myself. He responded by ripping a hairband off my head,snapping it in two and threatened to rip my clothes off. I buried under the duvet then and went after him when he tore it off me. He responded by grabbing me and firing me hard into the wall. Feels surreal even writing this now. I feel like I cant cope anymore. Was in this situation before and ended up having a breakdown


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Comments

  • Closed Accounts Posts: 22,559 ✭✭✭✭AnonoBoy


    He fired you into a wall?

    Leave.

    Don't look back.


  • Moderators, Social & Fun Moderators Posts: 42,362 Mod ✭✭✭✭Beruthiel


    Get out of that relationship NOW!!
    There is nothing you can do to fix this, ye are bad for each other and the violence will get worse, not better.
    Get out now.


  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 1,131 ✭✭✭Curvy Vixen


    You slapped him around the face?

    Leave

    Don't look back!

    Sometimes people are violent and sometimes a cocktail of personalities means violence. I have no idea whether you are both violent people or whether you spark each other off but let's be honest, this isn't the healthiest of relationships!

    Finish it....


  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 33,518 ✭✭✭✭dudara


    Walk away. It's deteriorated too much at this stage.


  • Closed Accounts Posts: 6,395 ✭✭✭Marksie


    you hit him. He hit you

    Regard;ess of who hit who. Get out of it now. and stay out fo it
    for both your sakes.

    I am not taking sides but this whole relationship is a disaster.

    You will both end up damaged


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  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 9,560 ✭✭✭DublinWriter


    I think you've got anger issues too if you started off by slapping him across the face.

    You're probably best off splitting-up and then sorting out your own anger issue before embarking on another relationship.


  • Closed Accounts Posts: 9,463 ✭✭✭KTRIC


    Looks like both of you have serious anger issues.

    You instigated the violence by slapping him. It might seem trivial to you but I'd say that's what got him going. I'm not saying what he did was justified but some men don't know their own strength and have problems stopping when they get going.

    I'll just repeat what the rest said and tell you that for both of your sakes the best thing to do is go your separate ways.


  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 17,727 ✭✭✭✭Sherifu


    Beruthiel wrote: »
    ye are bad for each other and the violence will get worse, not better.
    ... and sometimes a cocktail of personalities means violence.

    Agree with above, you're not suited. Walk away.


  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 10,967 ✭✭✭✭Zulu


    Always.


  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 372 ✭✭miles teg


    Not Always


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  • Closed Accounts Posts: 284 ✭✭evry1sm8


    Cant say always or not always, but it seems to me that if the circle of anger and violence is never ending than youve got to get out.

    It will only damage you both probably emotionally and mentally more than anything


  • Closed Accounts Posts: 272 ✭✭Gumbyman


    You know the answer here for pete's sake. Why are you asking a question when you already know the answer? There is no alternative. End it. End it before you have kids and end up beating the crap out of each other in front of them and ruining their lives too. And get counselling for your anger as was said above. I hope it works out for you but it wont unless you do something and do it now. What are you waiting for?


  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 263 ✭✭Aura


    Trust me unless you are both committed enough to each other to actually seek some outside help with this and get counselling then yes it does mean the end because the resentments you both carry will not just dissappear and will fester until these arguments escalate even more.

    Is counselling something you would both consider?


  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 166,026 ✭✭✭✭LegacyUser


    As the product of a violent marriage I am telling you right now, get the hell out of there and do not look back. I don't really care who is at fault, I just see it that if you's ended up having kids or something in the future it would be them who'd pay the price of a foolish decision to remain together.


  • Closed Accounts Posts: 87 ✭✭flyingdagger


    Get the hell out of there.IMO you're as bad as each other-you got the ball rolling by slapping him across the face and it escalated.Nobody has the right to hit/slap/punch or kick their OH.


  • Moderators, Science, Health & Environment Moderators, Society & Culture Moderators Posts: 60,218 Mod ✭✭✭✭Wibbs


    These things are never as black and white as some think. Can a relationship survive this? It's possible, but only as Aura suggested, if you both went for counseling it might work. Personally I reckon that if it has gotten to that level it's not just the obvious anger. I think it's down to the fact that you are both not happy in this relationship(and with yourselves). Leave walk away and learn from this.

    As for the violence. Slapping him was a bad bad plan. Which you know. Him firing you into a wall was as bad. He could have walked away in 90% of cases. IMO a man should only lay a hand on a woman in the case of personal danger to himself, to her or others. There are no excuses for anything else.

    Rejoice in the awareness of feeling stupid, for that’s how you end up learning new things. If you’re not aware you’re stupid, you probably are.



  • Moderators, Category Moderators, Politics Moderators, Recreation & Hobbies Moderators, Society & Culture Moderators, Regional East Moderators Posts: 12,110 CMod ✭✭✭✭Dizzyblonde


    This is a very unhealthy relationship and without intervention the violence will probably only escalate. If you think it's worth it, go for couples counselling, otherwise leave - now.


  • Closed Accounts Posts: 13,497 ✭✭✭✭Dragan


    miles teg wrote: »
    Not Always

    "Look, i didn't mean it. I was just so angry. I'm so sorry. You know i'd never hurt you, not really. Don't you? I love you for **** sake."

    I get the feeling that one sounds familiar to you.

    OP..... walk away. Your hitting him, he's hitting you.

    Both of you need a time out before you even think of ending up in a relationship again.


  • Hosted Moderators Posts: 10,661 ✭✭✭✭John Mason


    Look, you both obviously bring out the worst in each other and violence isnt good but if you really want it work, i would suggest counselling and anger management, talking from personal experience it does work but only if each person wants it to


  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 372 ✭✭miles teg


    Dragan wrote: »
    "Look, i didn't mean it. I was just so angry. I'm so sorry. You know i'd never hurt you, not really. Don't you? I love you for **** sake."

    I get the feeling that one sounds familiar to you.
    ...

    Is that directed at me? :confused:

    The OPs particular case is too violent to carry on but until she comes back saying whether they're both willing to try salvage the relationship with councilling or not, it's premature to advise on splitting up or not. It's up to her to decide if she thinks it's worth it and also if things could actually change


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  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 505 ✭✭✭CamillaRhodes


    MissN, I had a somewhat similar incident towards the end of a relationship. We were both subsequently really, really shocked by our violent behaviour (neither had been violent before). However, I think it signalled to us both that our relationship had deteriorated to such an extent that it just couldn't be saved at that stage. We split up soon (not immediately) afterwards and both became happier individuals - I've certainly never been violent again (I don't know if he has, but he never seemed a violent person in general, it was just our relationship had gotten so bad, the fights so vicious, that it brought out the absolute worst in us).

    Sometimes, it takes a lot of strength to walk away from a relationship, even when you know it's bad. Take this violent incident as the proof you need that it's time to leave - whether you don't want him to ever be violent again, or you don't want to become violent again yourself.

    I'm not saying counselling and anger management could never work, but don't you think that both you (and he) deserve a better relationship than this? Constant fighting (whether violent and aggressive or cold, quiet rage) is not good for you. Say goodbye.


  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 20,099 ✭✭✭✭WhiteWashMan


    MissN wrote: »
    . Basically been having rows with my boyfriend again after what was a relatively "good" patch.

    even at that stage you know its not a good relationship.

    you dont have 'good patches' in a realtionship. you can have not so good, but when you count the positives as being abnormal, then its time to quit.

    then the rest of it?
    good god, what are you two doing with each other?
    why are you still together?

    its an appalling way to treat each other. just leave. theres no love in this relationship, theres no respect, there isnt really anything.

    youre both going through the motions of something, but its not healthy, and its not good.

    there is no saving this relationship. nothing. nada. sounds like youre both just hanging in there becuase youre both afraid of what you will end up doing if it ends. being on your own is frightening, but its no reason to have a siht relationship.


  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 166,026 ✭✭✭✭LegacyUser


    Thanks for the comments. I really appreciate the advice, even though I've been in tears reading most of it. Guess sometimes the truths hard to face. To clarify some things, I dont think either of us are here for the sake of being in a relationship. Quite the contrary in fact. I was a year out of a previously abusive relationship and was enjoying being single when we met. I told him clearly from the start that although I really liked him I didnt want to be in a relationship. He said that was just a label and wanted us to keep seeing each other, even casually, to see where it took us. It took us to falling in love and moving in together six months later. The past two years havent been easy, largely due to circumstances beyond our control: a death in my family, moving house(twice), thieving landlords, ill health, a stalker. Im tellin ya the **** we've been through. We recently moved to another county for him to go to college and also as a bid to make a fresh start. He's quite happy doing a postgrad whereas I havent been able to procure a job. Dont think he understands how majorly depressed I've been because of that. Its not easy to just walk away, even if in my heart I know I should. I dont know anyone in this new county and moving home is not an option.


  • Moderators, Regional Midwest Moderators Posts: 11,183 Mod ✭✭✭✭MarkR


    There's always options, just varies on how difficult it is.


  • Moderators, Social & Fun Moderators Posts: 42,362 Mod ✭✭✭✭Beruthiel


    MissN wrote: »
    The past two years havent been easy, largely due to circumstances beyond our control: a death in my family, moving house(twice), thieving landlords, ill health, a stalker. Im tellin ya the **** we've been through. We recently moved to another county for him to go to college and also as a bid to make a fresh start. He's quite happy doing a postgrad whereas I havent been able to procure a job. Dont think he understands how majorly depressed I've been because of that. Its not easy to just walk away, even if in my heart I know I should. I dont know anyone in this new county and moving home is not an option.

    None of the above is a good enough excuse to stay in a relationship which is clearly abusive on both sides.
    It also does not excuse the abuse. There is no excuse for violence in a relationship.


  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 10,549 ✭✭✭✭cowzerp


    Get out of this relationship-your very bad for each other, your the abuser when you hit him,, i'd never let anyone hit me, girl or fella. start afresh and dont hit again..and dont ever accept been hit either.

    Rush Boxing club and Rush Martial Arts head coach.



  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 166,026 ✭✭✭✭LegacyUser


    Im not excusing my actions at all. I am embarrassed and ashamed at slapping him. Although I do think theres a big difference in a girl slapping a guy and a guy firing a girl into a wall -especially when it's hard enough to mark the wall. Neither are right and I'm not condoning either for a minute. To the earlier poster; he's 6'2" and does weights so I think he does know his own strength. In fact he prides himself on it. My slap was never going to hurt or injure him physically the way he hurt me. Can hardly stand/sit since it happened


  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 263 ✭✭Aura


    MissN wrote: »
    Thanks for the comments. I really appreciate the advice, even though I've been in tears reading most of it. Guess sometimes the truths hard to face. To clarify some things, I dont think either of us are here for the sake of being in a relationship. Quite the contrary in fact. I was a year out of a previously abusive relationship and was enjoying being single when we met. I told him clearly from the start that although I really liked him I didnt want to be in a relationship. He said that was just a label and wanted us to keep seeing each other, even casually, to see where it took us. It took us to falling in love and moving in together six months later. The past two years havent been easy, largely due to circumstances beyond our control: a death in my family, moving house(twice), thieving landlords, ill health, a stalker. Im tellin ya the **** we've been through. We recently moved to another county for him to go to college and also as a bid to make a fresh start. He's quite happy doing a postgrad whereas I havent been able to procure a job. Dont think he understands how majorly depressed I've been because of that. Its not easy to just walk away, even if in my heart I know I should. I dont know anyone in this new county and moving home is not an option.

    I feel for you completely. I wasn’t the one to walk either but unless you both are willing to go to counselling there’s nothing you can do as heartbreaking as that may be because you can’t continue as you are and I think you know that, otherwise you wouldn’t be posting here about it.

    Have you broached the topic with him?
    Difficult question to ask or indeed to answer but do you feel the abusive relationship in your past has some bearing on this?

    Beruthiel is right though, there is no excuse for violence in a relationship and to put it bluntly, unless you are both willing to take steps to end such episodes in your relationship, you do not have one.

    I can't say in my case if counselling would have worked for us because he wasn't willing but even though I doubt things would have become violent between us again the resentments and unresolved issues would still have been there. You can't just hope things like that dissappear. It takes work on both sides.


  • Closed Accounts Posts: 1,181 ✭✭✭LouOB


    If you have friends with an extra bed
    If you can get quickie loan for deposit on 1bed - do it

    All the answers you want, you already have - put yourself first. Nobody else will


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  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 10,549 ✭✭✭✭cowzerp


    MissN wrote: »
    Im not excusing my actions at all. I am embarrassed and ashamed at slapping him. Although I do think theres a big difference in a girl slapping a guy and a guy firing a girl into a wall -especially when it's hard enough to mark the wall. Neither are right and I'm not condoning either for a minute. To the earlier poster; he's 6'2" and does weights so I think he does know his own strength. In fact he prides himself on it. My slap was never going to hurt or injure him physically the way he hurt me. Can hardly stand/sit since it happened

    You should of thought about that before you hit him, if someone hit me i would not say oh that must of been 5 lbs of pressure i'll do the same back!!

    i'd be annoyed and just defend myself, you where wrong and so was he.

    been a small girl is no excuse for assaulting anyone, in future expect a reaction from your action, thats the way the world works.

    your no better than him and both of you are bad for each other, get out and try to be a good partner to a new person who you will respect enough not to hit. and will respect you enough not to hit you..

    Rush Boxing club and Rush Martial Arts head coach.



  • Closed Accounts Posts: 43,045 ✭✭✭✭Nevyn


    Yes.

    You need to end that relationship, stop the pattern of abuse and you both have to go into couselling to deal with your anger management issues and what is the root of them.

    There maybe a remote possiblity that if you have both done that and given each other the time and space to do that you may consider starting a new relationship and start afresh with couples counselling to make sure you do not fall back into old patterns and habits.

    The thing is either of the indivual processes can change either of you so that starting a new relationship with that person is not an option due to you changing, them not changing or you both changing and seeing you need otherthings or you can not provide what the other person needs.

    The relationship you are in is over, it is broke and broken down badly to where there is physical abuse.


  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 263 ✭✭Aura


    Mmm strange.. Didn't see OP's last post until after I posted.. Must be taking too long to post..


    Anyway... By your own admission you have both been violent towards each other in this relationship and so are equally at fault. The whole male/female thing is a complete cop out in my mind as females can hurt just as badly. In any event it serves little purpose attributing blame and only adds to your grieve. You both need to figure out if you want this relationship and each other enough to go through the process of trying to save it i.e. counselling, which will not be a walk in the park


  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 505 ✭✭✭CamillaRhodes


    MissN wrote: »
    Its not easy to just walk away, even if in my heart I know I should. I dont know anyone in this new county and moving home is not an option.

    MissN, is it really not an option, even for a short while? It sounds like you really need (a) your friends around you and (b) some space from this suffocating relationship. If you could go back to where you friends are for a while, sleep on somebody's couch if needs be, you could then consider Thaedydal's advice about ending this relationship but being willing to consider a new relationship, without fighting and violence.

    This relationship you are in now has to end, no matter what you have been through. If you've been through enough to make it to counselling and out the other side, to start a new relationship, great. But for now, short-term at least, you need to step away.

    You sound like an articulate, intelligent woman, you shouldn't feel trapped in a violent relationship because of your geographic location. If you don't want to be alone at the end of a relationship (and I understand that fully) get yourself home for a while, and get some perspective. You don't want to stay this way.


  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 2,537 ✭✭✭Gyalist


    MissN wrote: »
    Quite the contrary in fact. I was a year out of a previously abusive relationship and was enjoying being single when we met.

    Have you considered that there may be something about you that attracts potentially abusive men or that you may find such men attractive?
    MissN wrote: »
    To the earlier poster; he's 6'2" and does weights so I think he does know his own strength. In fact he prides himself on it.

    Does he use steroids?

    You'd be well advised to step back from this relationship, even if temporarily. Abusive relationships can become a recurring pattern and you'll need to learn how to break the pattern. There are self-help books that you can read but professional help would be better. Good luck.


  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 23,093 ✭✭✭✭Esel
    Not Your Ornery Onager


    I'd like to hear the objective truth of what really happened. Two sides etc.

    You say you gave him a fairly mild slap on the face. He might say that he subsequently pushed you away and you stumbled back against the wall.

    Not your ornery onager



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  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 166,026 ✭✭✭✭LegacyUser


    Actually Esel hearing an objective perspective would mean from a third party, which is a non-sequitor as there were only the two of us in the apartment. Im sure you could appeal for an independant viewpoint in relation to any post on here but since that isn't feasible I thought you had to initiate trust and take people at their word here.

    I acknowledge that bias is always a factor but I have given much consideration to my portrayal of what happened and have tried to ensure that my description of events is as non-belligerent as possible so please take me at my word. Thanks


  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 521 ✭✭✭RuailleBuaille


    esel wrote: »
    I'd like to hear the objective truth of what really happened. Two sides etc.

    You say you gave him a fairly mild slap on the face. He might say that he subsequently pushed you away and you stumbled back against the wall.

    Women's Aid say there are three sides to every story - his, hers and the truth. And when all three sides spell out misery, it's time to take care of yourself. Even if it never happens again, it'll always be lurking there and who needs that hanging over them? Look after you. And I think you know that means getting out. Good luck!


  • Closed Accounts Posts: 6,395 ✭✭✭Marksie


    MissN wrote: »
    I was a year out of a previously abusive relationship and was enjoying being single when we met. .

    Is there a pattern here?

    MissN wrote: »
    Although I do think theres a big difference in a girl slapping a guy and a guy firing a girl into a wall -especially when it's hard enough to mark the wall.

    Agreed. To an extent.
    I was physically struck in a relationship. It was a cert i would not retaliate as its against my particular ethic.
    I just turned my back and she struck away. Then she began hitting hreself off the furniture.

    It happened once and once only, she was gone and the locks changed.


  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 334 ✭✭JackieO


    MissN wrote: »
    Im not excusing my actions at all. I am embarrassed and ashamed at slapping him. Although I do think theres a big difference in a girl slapping a guy and a guy firing a girl into a wall -especially when it's hard enough to mark the wall. Neither are right and I'm not condoning either for a minute. To the earlier poster; he's 6'2" and does weights so I think he does know his own strength. In fact he prides himself on it. My slap was never going to hurt or injure him physically the way he hurt me. Can hardly stand/sit since it happened


    "Can hardly stand/sit since it happened".....................And you are asking if there is any way that this relationship can work????

    WHY??????

    The answer is NO.

    As someone said above, there are always options, they may just seem very daunting at the moment.

    You deserve much better than this.


  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 4,541 ✭✭✭Davei141


    JackieO wrote: »

    You deserve much better than this.

    So does he.


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  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 81,220 ✭✭✭✭biko


    In my opinion - people that regularly beat other people up have something wrong with them. Particularly when it is the person you're supposed to love the most. Maybe they haven't been treated well growing up, maybe they learnt that aggression/violence is a quick fix to get your way. Either way, it's always bad news.


  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 334 ✭✭JackieO


    Davei141 wrote: »
    So does he.

    Sorry - my point was more that everyone deserves better than this, just that it was directed at the person asking for the advice.

    Of course, both of you deserve better than this .


  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 20,099 ✭✭✭✭WhiteWashMan


    [QUOTE=MissN;55068293 I dont think either of us are here for the sake of being in a relationship. [/QUOTE]

    then what for?

    love?
    MissN wrote: »
    Quite the contrary in fact. I was a year out of a previously abusive relationship and was enjoying being single when we met. I told him clearly from the start that although I really liked him I didnt want to be in a relationship. He said that was just a label and wanted us to keep seeing each other, even casually, to see where it took us. It took us to falling in love and moving in together six months later. .

    so, this is the reason youre still in a relationship?
    MissN wrote: »
    The past two years havent been easy, largely due to circumstances beyond our control: a death in my family, moving house(twice), thieving landlords, ill health, a stalker. Im tellin ya the **** we've been through. We recently moved to another county for him to go to college and also as a bid to make a fresh start.

    and this is a reason why you are still in a relationship?
    MissN wrote: »
    He's quite happy doing a postgrad whereas I havent been able to procure a job. Dont think he understands how majorly depressed I've been because of that

    id be depressed if i had no job and my boyfriend hit me.
    MissN wrote: »
    Its not easy to just walk away, even if in my heart I know I should.


    now, here we get to the actual crux of the matter.

    why cant you walk away? what is stopping you? the only thing stopping you, is you.

    id really like for you to explain to me why you would stay in an abusive relationship
    MissN wrote: »
    . I dont know anyone in this new county and moving home is not an option.

    move county, move country.

    why cant you go home? have you asked? have you no firends who will help you out?
    do you know no one in the entire world you can stay with or will help you?
    im seeing excuses (and poor ones at that) for not leaving, and yet, you know(in your heart of hearts) that you should.


    whats the problem here?

    youre in a **** relationship with a bloke who throws you into walls, where you havent been happy for years, and there doesnt appear to be any chance of you being happy in the future.

    tell me this, if you leave, whats the worse that will be happen?

    i'll tell you, you'll still be unemployed, but you wont be smacked up.

    thats a good start honey.


  • Closed Accounts Posts: 43,045 ✭✭✭✭Nevyn


    Also best get gone before there are kids.


  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 2,876 ✭✭✭pirelli


    MissN wrote: »
    Hi. Was on this a little while ago and ye gave me good advice bout stuff thats too embarrassing and upsetting to share with friends or family so here goes again... Basically been having rows with my boyfriend again after what was a relatively "good" patch. Seems like theres no end to our vicious cycle of arguments.. Rows were over somewhat trivial stuff with a few hurtful comments thrown in for good measure on either of our behalves. Usually I hold back a bit when we argue cos 1) I have a temper and 2) I know he'll go mad and the fight will escalate if I tell him how I really feel. Decided today that I was gonna tell him honestly how I feel bout these arguments. Just been feeling like I cant handle things anymore, like im losing my grip on reality or something. Anyway was through instant messaging on the net so felt safer sayin it like that.. Came home tonight feeling guilty about telling him how I really feel bout these rows but wasnt long til it all blew up again. I ended up slapping him in the face. Feel so ashamed of myself. He responded by ripping a hairband off my head,snapping it in two and threatened to rip my clothes off. I buried under the duvet then and went after him when he tore it off me. He responded by grabbing me and firing me hard into the wall. Feels surreal even writing this now. I feel like I cant cope anymore. Was in this situation before and ended up having a breakdown


    I havent a clue.? It is good to resolve your problems and shouldnt let things
    build up or suppress your feelings and it's physically and mentally better to constructively resolve your problems than to ingnore them. I mean what do you think, can your resolve this argument and find a solution.? If yes then maybe although you obviously have a temper and he sounds possibly spiteful pulling your duvet from you and destroying your hair band shows he wasnt being constructive. Work Required.!


  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 7,666 ✭✭✭tritium


    OP, like most other posters I reckon you need to get away from each other. You have violence issues. He has violence issues. Thats not good in a relationship, and won't improve by itself. Contrary to what some posters think, there is absolutely no difference as to which partners doing the violence - violence in a relationship is more often than not part of a larger cycle of control and dominance issues, and can easily escalate to much more serious than slapping.

    I strongly suggest that both of you need to seek counselling, individually and, if you decide do to stay together, as a couple, to try to resolve what issues you have. I don't for a second believe that a person is violent only to a particular person or type of person, or that its something that can be guaranteed not to recur in a future relationship. Its also incredibly destructive for both parties. Please, both of you, seek help on this one.


  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 166,026 ✭✭✭✭LegacyUser


    Again thanks to everyone for the advice. What's surprising me most is how difficult it is to read and actually absorb. Feel quite numb at the moment, in between bouts of crying uncontrolllably that is. Anyway to answer a few questions; WhiteWashMan, yes I would hope to think love would be the reason that we have stayed in the relationship so long. Believe me this episode that I have outlined on here has been the absolute worst it gets, wouldnt it want to be... I could refer to the many positive things we have done for each other, and do on a daily basis but I feel they pale into insignificance when something like this occurs -don't they? Also WhiteWashMan to suggest "moving country" -You usually seem to offer good advice but don't ya think that would be a bit dramatic? Not to mention unsafe -a 23year old girl in a foreign country by herself in this state? My friends are all busy with college and are located all over the country as a result. Besides after the humiliation of being in this situation before I dont want to burden people again as a result of my stupid mistakes. Feel like I got myself into this so its up to me to get me out isn't it.


  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 166,026 ✭✭✭✭LegacyUser


    For the moment the way things stand are me staying in our apartment and him staying with a friend. He came round last night to pick up some things. Was all very amicable and civilised, with him even mentioning that he had considered bringing me food as he knew I wouldnt have eaten and that he had also seen a job I may be interested in. Even went so far as to jot down the details on my behalf. I politely declined and reminded him that it is no longer necessary to consider my welfare. Nonetheless, I was still somewhat touched by the gesture. However it wasnt long until it all went nasty again. To my absolute horror he said he now thought that I might have actually punched him instead of a light slap and that I never connected with the wall at all as he had barely touched me. I could *not believe* his blatant lies! Did he think I was just going to nod and agree?? WHY is he doing this? Is it just to make himself feel better? The despair I felt when he said this is indescribable. He has refused throughout the relationship to acknowledge his wrong doings instead preferring to cast blame on me at every opportunity. I know what happened yet why does this man make me question my own sanity? To those who may argue that he's entitled to his point of view, yes but surely actual occurences are concrete and not subject to debate?


  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 1,405 ✭✭✭shinny


    Miss N, my opinion is that you are instigating these abusive relationships or at least perpetuating them. Sometimes when a girls slaps a guy he will not retaliate (strong resolve and good morals) other times they will react and because they are physically stronger, it will hurt more.

    I suggest you end this relationship. Don't see anyone else. Go and get some anger management counselling and when you are happy in your own skin, think about dating again.


  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 43,311 ✭✭✭✭K-9


    MissN wrote: »
    To my absolute horror he said he now thought that I might have actually punched him instead of a light slap and that I never connected with the wall at all as he had barely touched me. I could *not believe* his blatant lies! Did he think I was just going to nod and agree?? WHY is he doing this? Is it just to make himself feel better?

    Probably. It's something similar to the way you say a woman being violent is less important than a man being violent. Are you trying to make yourself feel better?

    As you said, his welfare is no longer your concern, so don't worry about what he says or does.

    You have been violent in this relationship. Stop blaming him, take some responsibility and get anger management.

    Otherwise, you will feel it's acceptable for you to do this and you'll be back here again with same problem in a different relationship!

    Mad Men's Don Draper : What you call love was invented by guys like me, to sell nylons.



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