Did He Cheat On Me???

LegacyUser

I have had the weekend from hell and I really need some advice and opinions. I’ve been going out with my boyfriend
For almost two years and as far as I was concerned everything has been going great. He’s like my best friend aswell as
My lover, in fact the way we carry on people often mistake us friends and are surprised to hear we’re a couple. We’re
Constantly laughing and messing and just having fun.

He lives with 3 of his friends, all blokes and all really sound. I live with my brother. Most weekends I stay at his place cause his
bed is comfier than mine and he has a TV in his room. On Friday night we went to a gig in town then got some take out and went
back to his place. We were lying on his bed drinking listening to music when I noticed a ring on the floor beside his bed. It was silver
with a big blue jewel in it and doesn’t belong to me. I picked it up and asked him who’s it was. His jaw dropped and he literally started
to shake. He was holding a can and the beer was spilling over the sides. He was all flustered and red and tripping over his words.

I trust him completely and even when I saw the ring and asked him I wasn’t expecting a bda or sinister answer. I thought he’d say
It must be one of the lads girlfriends and maybe she came into his room to get a dvd or something and it fell off. I really thought there’d
be a simple explanation. I nearly got sick when I saw his reaction and asked him why he was getting so worked up. He just kept saying
over and over ‘I don’t know who owns it, please stop this, please don’t ask me this’. My head was wrecked and because I was quite drunk
I got really really upset and stormed out of his room. 2 of his flatmates were just after coming home and were in the front room drinking cans.
I went in and said to them ‘He cheated on me, I just found some sl*ts ring in his room’ and they both just kinda looked at the floor.

I left the house and got a cab home. I turned my phone off and haven’t had it back on since because I’m scared to talk to him for fear that he’ll tell
me that he f*cked someone else. Thankfully my brother calmed me down yesterday and helped me get through the day but now I don’t know what
to do.

Please somebody give me advice. If he cheated then it’s over and I swear to God I will kill him. I’ll sleep with his flatnates for revenge and will set
out to destroy him. I know that sounds evil and a bit crazy but I think cheating is the worst thing you can do to someone else and he knows how
devastated I’ll be and if he still chose to f*cke someone else then he deserves to be hurt back.

Where do I go from here? Also, he I didn’t leave the house on Saturday or Sunday and he didn’t call over at any stage even though he wouldn’t have been
Able to get through to my phone – this SCREAMS guilt to me..

LegacyUser

Wow, you're upset.. it's understandable, but calm down. If he has indeed cheated, you need to focus on getting over him, not revenge or sleeping around, wouldn't that just bring you down to his level?

Be the better person here, avoid him, get over it and get on about your life. I know its not easy, but trying to get "revenge" won't make you feel better, it will only get you called names.

Marksie

Bluering wrote: »

Please somebody give me advice. If he cheated then it’s over and I swear to God I will kill him. I’ll sleep with his flatnates for revenge and will set
out to destroy him. I know that sounds evil and a bit crazy but I think cheating is the worst thing you can do to someone else and he knows how
devastated I’ll be and if he still chose to f*cke someone else then he deserves to be hurt back.

I only hope to goodness that that is a spur of the moment anger. But if your head was wercked and you were drunk how did you pose the questions?.

I was just wondering if you scared the Sh*ite out fo him when you found the ring.

Now, leave your phone on and see what happens.
The only way you will know for sure is by talking to him or him telling you.

TerrorFirmer

To be honest, I'd just text him and ask for a straight yes or no answer. You can only go on from there, but you really can't do anything while you're stuck in limbo. It does sound like there's hardly an innocent explanation with such a reaction, but again, you need to know the full truth before you make any decisions.

Cheating is indeed a terrible breach of trust but it doesn't necessarily mean you can't try and move on - cheating is cheating, but there is alway context. There is a difference between consciously choosing to sleep with someone, and making a drunken mistake you can barely remember in the morning, but regret for the rest of your days. Neither is particularly easy to deal with, of course, are subjective to personal opinion but I really believe it to be a mistake to refuse to even entertain that aspect of it.

That said, the lack of contact is alarming. Equally however, guilt can make it understandably hard to face someone in person and doesn't automatically mean an inherent lack of respect/care. I know if I cheated on my girlfriend, I'd be devastated at having to tell her in person - but only because I care so much it'd really kill me having to give her such news and see the reaction first hand to something I caused. But that's the way things are.

Just ask and get it over with, it won't get any easier until you know.

6th

Q: Did He Cheat On Me???

A: Yes, imo he did. Now all you have to do is get him to confirm this and start moving on.

LegacyUser

The thing is, if you ask him straight out and he says no, will you believe him? I'm afraid all signs are pointing to the liklihood that he did do something he should have, so you're going to have to decide exactly how you act now. You can either flip out, go crazy and try to get revenge or you can sit down and try to talk it out.

cowzerp

I'd say yes he did, especially due to his reaction-he knew he was caught. Sleeping with his friend will only make you a sluut, and make you out in a real bad light, dont even think about it, move on and find a great boyfriend who will treat you well and this is your best revenge!

evry1sm8

Dont try to talk it out. If he did cheat and he confirms it, hold your head high, simply say you deserve better, and walk away!!
Dont talk to him again. And only consider talking or "working things out" if he persists and persists that he wants you back and will try harder next time. Good luck.

Mighty_Mouse

Christ, calm down a bit. Sounds like you've turned into a complete nut-job over this!!

went in and said to them ‘He cheated on me, I just found some sl*ts ring in his room’ and they both just kinda looked at the floor

Fair enough you were upset but ya broke several cardinal rules here.
1. Airing yer problems in public
2. Harassing his friends
etc etc .......
Personally, I couldnt care what the circumstances were but I would of told ya to take yer bullsh*t elsewhere.

If he cheated then it’s over and I swear to God I will kill him. I’ll sleep with his flatnates for revenge and will set
out to destroy him.

Again, psycho-girl?

For almost two years and as far as I was concerned everything has been going great. He’s like my best friend aswell as
My lover,

He might of cheated.,,,,,,,,,,,,,
Or he might of got retarded drunk in the house with the boys one night & collapsed upstairs into bed, whereby some chick who's fancied him for a while followed him up to try it on.............

I'm not saying thats likely but FFS just talk to the bloke.

Finally, If I was yer bf & actually innocent when you went off on one like this?
I'd be the one turning off the phone!

So if you had stuck around and calmy questioned him for as long as it took until you got to the bottom of it you'd be better off.
Now he's had time to collect himself and think about what he's gonna say etc ..............so can you trust anything he says now even if he's innocent?

Sometimes helps to get the full facts of the situation before detonation!

Balmed Out

You dont know he definately cheated but it may be the most likely of a variety of possibilities. Talk to him.
If i had a gf who found a ring left in my room and i hadnt cheated id be a bit freaked as i know what shed assume. If i was one of the guys downstairs id have looked at the floor if i didnt know for certain that he hadnt, again doesnt hang him. If i was him and innocent i wouldnt have bothered contacting you after your reaction and what u said to his friends id be pissed off.
I hope he hasnt for your sake but chances are he has. Dont bother with the whole revenge thing its stupid. It will just make you look like a silly slut who cant get over him. Be a bigger person. Good luck.

dellas1979

Ammm yeah. Listen, who knows if he has cheated. We sure dont.

But maybe he hasnt called or come around cause he is so mad at your reaction? Maybe he hasnt come around cause he is scared? Maybe he hasnt come around cause its true. Who knows. You can only ask him.

Is it a case of a simple "yes" or "no" at this stage?

What I would do is I'd ring him/txt to meet up and ask him all these questions. If you start off with the "ill kill you stuff" he is going to clam up. Just sit down and ask him.

Mazeire

The only way you can get an answer to this is to take the bull by the horns and either ring him or meet up with him. I know that the answer you get may be horrible in the short term but you are drivibg yourself insane with all this second guessing.
Has this srt of thing happened before? I'm not trying to be smart, its just you were very quick to assume the worse for such a perfect relationship?

Anyway keep us posted and goodluck!

Femelade

Just turn on your phone for a start and see what he has to say for himself...
It looks bad though , even the fact that he hasnt called to you or anything...

LegacyUser

OP I had a similar experience to you expect i would be in your bf's position.

going out with my GF 3 year, living in a house with 4 other lads. I would go back home about once a month for the weekend it was a party house but I had been living with the same lads for 4 years and when i went home people often crashed in my room, I knew most of them pretty well by the time I started to let this happen. Anyway I had been home one weekend and the following friday my GF came over to watch a DVD, now I wouldnt be the tidiest chap in the world and usually my GF gets so irritated by it she usually cleans up now and again! Anyway she started tidying up and I was sticking on the DVD and opening a well earned beer!

Anyway all of a sudden she starts screaming "what the fcuk is this etc etc, have you been shagging someone else" She knew my housemates pretty well and stormed downstairs demanding to know who I had been shagging from them" Anyway it turns out on of my house mates pulled some girl in town brought her home but his room was in use by someone else so he took this girl to mine and she had left some jewellry on the ground, needless to say once she calmed down i gots lots of make up sex!

But tbh from my experience I'd say he's cheated and the housemates know, but you need proof...

K_P

First things first. Turn on your phone. You've already convinced yourself of the worst and are plotting your revenge. Find out what happened first and talk to him. I'm not suggesting you take him back or forgive him or anything like that. But at the moment you're driving yourself mad without knowing anything.

Mr. Incognito

Explanation A. He cheated and you went chicken oriental.

Explanation B. He didn't cheat and you went chicken oriental.

one is justifiable. The other is not.

BillyoftheBeast

If you have suspicions then you are probably right. people don't like to believe whats in front of them sometimes as the truth is too painful.

LegacyUser

I turned my phoned on and had 3 messages from him.

1) I've tried calling you but like a child you have your phone turned off. Grow up
and let me explain.

2) Please give me a chance to explain, why are you acting like such a child.

3) Ignore me then, your being a fool. Snap out of it.


What the hell????? How am I supposed to respond to any of them? There's no sense of sorrow for upsetting me. There's no I undersatnd that it must've looked bad but I'm really innocent, nothing. So he hasn't denied it or admitted it. As somebody else pointed out too, he's now had time to come up with an excuse and his friends will all be in on it and they'll make sure it's infallible. I'm never gonna know the truth but my heart says he did it. I was away last weekend in Galway so he would've had the perfect opportunity to do it.
The thing is, we really are like best friends and I sometimes get the feeling that he sees me as more of a mate at times and not as his sexy lover if you know what I mean...
I know the revenge thing is bad but how can I just let him get away with this?

Jesus Wept

Bluering wrote: »

.

Please somebody give me advice. If he cheated then it’s over and I swear to God I will kill him. I’ll sleep with his flatnates for revenge and will set
out to destroy him. I know that sounds evil and a bit crazy but I think cheating is the worst thing you can do to someone else and he knows how
devastated I’ll be and if he still chose to f*cke someone else then he deserves to be hurt back.

You sound like a complete psychopath.
Your genitals are not a weapon.
You degrade yourself 100 times more than you hurt him by this proposed plan of action.
Have some dignity and self respect and walk away.

dudara

Whether he's innocent or not, there is no need for him to leave messages like those on your phone.

Any one who calls themself your boyfriend should have the sensitivity to know what will upset you, and should know how to deal with it.

Leaving voicemail messages like that is fairly pathetic, he should come over and talk to you in person, allowing both of you the chance to discuss things.

LegacyUser

Oi people stop.

I reacted that way when my girlfriend found a condom wrapper next to the bedside locker. It was the wrapper of the one we used the previous week, but I had nothing to say, I was terrified she would think that I was cheating when I wasnt.
I was literally petrified. We then figured it out. She has maturity and sense. Unlike the OP.

tbh

Bluering wrote: »

I know the revenge thing is bad but how can I just let him get away with this?

what do you mean "let him get away with it?" You are not 16, are you? what's the point in letting him get to you? Take my advice, the best revenge is a life well-lived.

Amazotheamazing

I agree with him, you were acting like a child storming off and turning off your phone. If you are as violent as you make out, maybe you are better off apart?

You found one ring and decided to risk a two year long relationship with someone you call your best friend, you don't think, that maybe, just maybe, you massively over-reacted? It could be any number of innocent things but you immediately jumped to the worst possible one and now you're wondering why he might be a bit pissed off? If my g/f showed that little trust in me I'd be annoyed too.

Wibbs

Bluering wrote: »

Please somebody give me advice.

It doesn't look good. I suspect strongly that you're not getting the whole story. His and to a lesser extent his flatmates reaction suggests more goin on. Though his flatmates may have simply not wanted to get involved in the fireworks at the time.

If he cheated then it’s over and I swear to God I will kill him. I’ll sleep with his flatnates for revenge and will set
out to destroy him. I know that sounds evil and a bit crazy

Yes it does sound more than crazy and I can see why some hear are painting you wit the psycho brush, but as it's the heat of the moment and all that, then it's understandable. Hopefully you're looking at it with fresh eyes now.

but I think cheating is the worst thing you can do to someone else and he knows how
devastated I’ll be

Agreed

and if he still chose to f*cke someone else then he deserves to be hurt back.

Now he doesn't. You're not children. Blame and empty revenge is for kids. If he has cheated then cry your eyes out in private, but hold your head up high and drop him and don't look back. Going all nutso in public will make it look to others as if he made the right decision. Do not give him anymore power in this than you have to.

1) I've tried calling you but like a child you have your phone turned off. Grow up
and let me explain.

2) Please give me a chance to explain, why are you acting like such a child.

3) Ignore me then, your being a fool. Snap out of it.

Though he may be the guilty party he has a valid point about the maturity. Stop playing into that, for your sake.

There's no sense of sorrow for upsetting me.

Maybe communicating same by text is not the best plan as far as he's concerned?

As somebody else pointed out too, he's now had time to come up with an excuse and his friends will all be in on it and they'll make sure it's infallible.

Quite possible.

I'm never gonna know the truth but my heart says he did it.

Well an adult conversation is going to have to take place, sooner rather than later.

I know the revenge thing is bad

It's not just bad it's idiotic and will only serve to hurt you further and make him out right to have cheated on you.

but how can I just let him get away with this?

YOu don't you get on with your life without him, if that's what you want. The best revenge is a well lived life(tbh great minds...).

evry1sm8

I agree with Wibbs and tbh.

Miss Fluff

Bluering wrote: »

I’ve been going out with my boyfriend
For almost two years and as far as I was concerned everything has been going great. He’s like my best friend aswell as
My lover, in fact the way we carry on people often mistake us friends and are surprised to hear we’re a couple..............Most weekends I stay at his place cause his
bed is comfier than mine and he has a TV in his room.

How is your sex life?

Marksie

Bluering wrote: »

What the hell????? How am I supposed to respond to any of them?

Probably would have helped if you didnt have your phone switched off

Bluering wrote: »

There's no sense of sorrow for upsetting me.

Hard to express that in a text. But he couldnt get in touch because you had your phone off

Bluering wrote: »

There's no I undersatnd that it must've looked bad but I'm really innocent, nothing.

Perhaps he would have said that, but wait you had your phone off

Bluering wrote: »

So he hasn't denied it or admitted it.

Probably realised how hopeless it was as he tried phoning but couldnt get through.
You know why by now

Bluering wrote: »

As somebody else pointed out too, he's now had time to come up with an excuse and his friends will all be in on it and they'll make sure it's infallible.

Well lets see, he has had time to make an excuse..why? (hint: see above)

Bluering wrote: »

I'm never gonna know the truth but my heart says he did it.

and there it is..trust gone.

Well, whether he did or not. All your reasonings for leaving him are there even if he comes up with a plausible explanation.

Best to walk away now. You flew right of the handle (rightly or wrongly, it no longer matters). then Cut contact completely for an extended period.
By your own admission he tried to contact
and now you find yoursefl in a position where you wont believe him at all.

Your even loking at reasoning why he would see you as a friend rather than a sexy lover.
I am not saying that he didnt do anything, but what i am saying is that subsequent actions effctively not only droove teh nails into the coffin of your relationship, then carried it to the grave, chucked it in and put the earth on top

Mighty_Mouse

There's no sense of sorrow for upsetting me.

If you need a blokes perspective.
Honestly if I was your bf and actually innocent, then I wouldnt of even bothered contacting you.

I just figure you'd come back around after your hissy-fit dissipated.

You really really need to grow-up in how yer handling this whole mess.
And like I said previously, because you acted the nut-job before gettin the full facts its likely you'll never trust what he says. EVEN if he's telling the truth!!!

dellas1979

My god woman, will you just bleedin ask him. Put ourselves and yourself out of misery.

In all fairness, you want to know whats going on, but when it comes to the crunch, you cant deal with it. I personally think you are going about this all arse ways. Will you just ask him what happened? Im sorry to be so harsh, you did, after all, get a nasty shock, but you need to start making sense of this and stop speculating (I could think of 100s of reasons there could be a ring in the room - I could think of 100s of reason for his reaction - I could think of 100s of reasons for this flatmates' reactions).

Mazeire

Go down and get the answers. Then decide if you believe and can live wityh what he tells you. I you can't , even if you have the slightest doubt then for the sake of your sanity it's over. You are worth more than being passed around by his friends as well, so get that daft idea of taking revenge by sleeping with them out of your head ASAP

AnonoBoy

You need to sit down and talk with him calmly. With no drink taken.

This rushing off and turning off your phone is only serving to confuse the matter and stop any communication.

There could be lots of explanations for a ring being in his room. He may have reacted the way he did because he knows you and knew you were going to fly off the handle without giving him a chance to explain. Also I would say that the fact you were drunk may have coloured your intepretation of his reaction.

Also - if I was one of his housemates I would not have answered somebody storming in like that. Best to steer clear of situations like that whether you know anything or not. So you can't really infer anything from their reaction at all.

evry1sm8

Please find out and let us know, i think we all are eager to know the truth at this stage
Say youre sorry IF you over-reacted, but you'd really like his explanation now, and you'll hear it with an open mind.

AngryBadger

Tbh OP you kinda seem like a bit of a bunny boiler. Ok you found a ring which doesn't belong to you in your bf's room. That doesn't prove anything.

There are plenty of ways that ring could have gotten there, and they don't all involve him cheating on you.

Your assumption of cheating seems to be based mainly on his response and his housemates response, which might wel have simply been due to the fact that you went "chicken oriental" (love that phrase!) when you found the ring.

So here's an alternative take on events
-You find the ring and start frothing at the mouth
-Your bf ****s himself, knowing that you're inclined to lose the head at the slightest provocation, and fails to provide an explanation
-You storm out of the room and demand an explanation from his housemates, who proceed to look anywhere but at you because, well their mate's gf has just barged into the room screaming up a storm and reeking of drink....
-You storm out like a child and cut off all communication

He may have cheated on you, he may not have cheated on you. By freaking out the way you did, (which in my view speaks as much to your own insecurities as to anything else), you obliterated any chance of resolving the situation like an adult, and in fact created a much worse situation.

Turn on your phone, and respond to his messages, and maybe try a few glasses of "grow-the-hell-up" it'll do you the world of good.

LegacyUser

I can’t believe the majority of people are telling me to grow the hell up. I found a womans ring in my boyfriends room
and he was shaking with what seemed like guilt when I confronted him about it. In fact, confronted is too strong a word.
I simply asked him where it came from and he nearly spilled his beer and couldn’t string a sentence together. I called him
and his answer was, predictably, I have no idea where it came from but you clearly don’t trust me so what’s the point in
continuing on with our relationship.

I feel like this is the beginning of the end. Now I have to deal with the possibility of him cheating, the fear of him actually breaking up
With me over it and neither of us trusting each other again. I calmly told him not to turn it back on me and that his answer is just not
Good enough. How would he feel if he found a mans watch in my room? Please don’t call me a bunny boiler because I am not. He
Went to Marbella with a bunch of mates, all male, just before Christmas and told me he’d been to strip clubs and I didn’t bat an eyelid.
When we were in Spain I even went with him to a strip club and I got a lapdance, so did he. I think I’m an easy going girlfriend but
This does not feel right. He did it, I just know it and saying ‘I dunno where it came from’ does not make matters any better!!!

BillyoftheBeast

Bluering wrote: »

I can’t believe the majority of people are telling me to grow the hell up. I found a womans ring in my boyfriends room
and he was shaking with what seemed like guilt when I confronted him about it. In fact, confronted is too strong a word.
I simply asked him where it came from and he nearly spilled his beer and couldn’t string a sentence together. I called him
and his answer was, predictably, I have no idea where it came from but you clearly don’t trust me so what’s the point in
continuing on with our relationship.

I feel like this is the beginning of the end. Now I have to deal with the possibility of him cheating, the fear of him actually breaking up
With me over it and neither of us trusting each other again. I calmly told him not to turn it back on me and that his answer is just not
Good enough. How would he feel if he found a mans watch in my room? Please don’t call me a bunny boiler because I am not. He
Went to Marbella with a bunch of mates, all male, just before Christmas and told me he’d been to strip clubs and I didn’t bat an eyelid.
When we were in Spain I even went with him to a strip club and I got a lapdance, so did he. I think I’m an easy going girlfriend but
This does not feel right. He did it, I just know it and saying ‘I dunno where it came from’ does not make matters any better!!!

Thats classic PI advice for you always trying to confuse the issue.

You have a hunch and you know yourself the truth.

tbh

Bluering wrote: »

I can’t believe the majority of people are telling me to grow the hell up.

When a majority of anonymous, unbiased posters get to the same conclusion, it'd probably be no harm to wonder why that is. If you want my opinion, it's because you seem more interested in how you are going to get revenge than in why he did it or what happens now. I appreciate you were/are angry, but it doesn't paint you in the best light. My 2c anyway.

Mazeire

Sorry OP to clarify, did he say that he had no idea where it came from when you rang him today after the messages?
Thats a bit lame IMO. Of course he knows where it came from or at least one of his flatmates does. Something so obviously girly does not make its way in to an all male house without anyone knowing how it got there.
Could you maybe talk to one of his flatmates?

LegacyUser

Mazeire wrote: »

Sorry OP to clarify, did he say that he had no idea where it came from when you rang him today after the messages?
Thats a bit lame IMO. Of course he knows where it came from or at least one of his flatmates does. Something so obviously girly does not make its way in to an all male house without anyone knowing how it got there.
Could you maybe talk to one of his flatmates?

I could but I know they'll all just side with him and go along with the whole 'ohh we have no idea where it came from' bullsh*t.

AngryBadger

Without getting dragged into a debate about this OP, the short and long of things is that you've already made every decision in your own head.

One possible explanationg for the ring is that he cheated. The problem is you've already decided this is the only option you're willing to entertain. So whether or not he did actually cheat doesn't matter since you're unwilling to entertain the notion.

It doesn't matter how many people come on here and declare you an unreasonable over-emotional gf, or a fully justified woman not willing to be treated like crap.

The only thing that matters is what you decide, but instead of making a rational (erego grown-up) judgement and maybe, just maybe giving your boyfriend of two years the benefit of the doubt, you've opted to go nuclear about this.

The best thing probably is for you to break up, 'cause I don't know how you'd expect to get through any serious problems if this is your reaction to a minor one.

Mazeire

Bluering wrote: »

I could but I know they'll all just side with him and go along with the whole 'ohh we have no idea where it came from' bullsh*t.

How do you know that for definate? It sounded from your first post that you were pretty friendly with them?

It could be as simple as one of them had a party while you guys were away and someone did the nasty in your b/f's room and they haven't owned up to it as they don't want to deal with an angry friend.

If its true or even if they have any idea at all they will own up to it.

evry1sm8

Bluering, i feel sorry for you
It must be horrible thinking that your boyfriend has cheated.
Maybe some people on here have been a bit harsh on you, maybe the way you wrote your first post seemed like you were very revengeful but you were probably just worked up about the situation. If it was me id feel the same, id worry that maybe he cheated, but i wouldnt accuse until i heard his side of things, and i do think everyone is right in telling you that you need to talk to him and get his side of the story...you need an explanation to be at peace.

As i said earlier in another post, tell him youre sorry if you over reacted and you'd like an explanation now, and listen with an open mind.

LegacyUser

evry1sm8 wrote: »

Bluering, i feel sorry for you
It must be horrible thinking that your boyfriend has cheated.
Maybe some people on here have been a bit harsh on you, maybe the way you wrote your first post seemed like you were very revengeful but you were probably just worked up about the situation. If it was me id feel the same, id worry that maybe he cheated, but i do think everyone is right in telling you that you need to talk to him and get his side of the story...you need an expanation.

As i said earlier in another post, tell him youre sorry if you over reacted and you'd like an explanation now, and listen with an open mind.

Thank you, you're the only person who could see that I'm just worked up today understandably I think!! I feel sick and scared and upset but i'll call him after work and get my explanation. I don't kno where it came from is not an answer I'm willing to accept.

Mr. Incognito

Okay blue ring I was a bit short in my last post but all we know is that you found a ring.

My girlfriend found women's underwear when I was moving out which had been behind the radiator and had belonged to the last person who had lived there. She didnt go mental, she asked me about it, I said I had no idea and we found out subsequent from another girl in the house that they were hers before she had moved rooms. However there seems to be a difference. She TRUSTED me. You have added 1=1 and gotten 11 imo. Yes he may have cheated but drunken shock does not equal drunken guilt. Instead of giving him the benefit of the doubt or even waiting for a reply you

Screamed the house down.
Threathen to sleep with his flatmates (what makes you think they'd do that to a mate- they may just have morals you know)
Refuse to accept any opinion except the scenario which you have judged, juried and executed in your own head.
Turn your phone off not even giving him a chance to explain (most frustrating thing imo)

Now it may come out in the wash that he cheated in which case you can continue your blind rage but, stop, what if he hasn't?

YOU not him have now destroyed your relationship in a fit of childish immature rage.

evry1sm8

One factor here that none of us asked yet is how old you are??

I honestly think the best course of action is just like you said, to talk to him tonight
Say you are sorry you reacted so badly but you really care about him and obviously were very unnerved by what you found and that his response didnt really reassure you.
Say perhaps you should have waited longer for an explanation but emotions took over, and his response only made you more insecure.
Say you are sorry you turned your phone off but you were scared of what you might hear. If he cares he will understand.

Best of luck, and let us know yeah?

Wibbs

Bluering wrote: »

Thank you, you're the only person who could see that I'm just worked up today understandably I think!!

I agreed it was a heat of the moment thing too and understandable to a point. It's the continued angle you're taking that would worry me for your sake.

I feel sick and scared and upset

Naturally.

but i'll call him after work and get my explanation.

Make a time to meet face to face. Phone's or god forbid text is not the way to deal with this.

I don't kno where it came from is not an answer I'm willing to accept.

It may be the only explanation he has. Let's imagine that it was left there by the previous tenant like in SetantaL's example. Now let's say he actually didn't know where it came from and it was entirely innocent. What then? Now I know it looks bad but as you were drunk and so was he, judgement may have been impaired and what you took for guilt was nothing of the kind. Just a thought.

In your defence I would be very suspicious too. Very. His reaction of shock would strike me as weird. In his position if you found a ring that had nothing to do with me, I would just look at it and shrug my shoulders as to where it came from. His mates reaction doesn't surprise me though. I'll be honest here, most guys reaction to a drunk emotional, possibly hysterical woman is to avoid like the plague.

Talk to him

evry1sm8

PS: I dont agree that youve destroyed your relationship in a fit of blind rage, i think if you go back, say you were sorry for your reaction but it was hard not to be upset etc... he should understand.
If he doesnt understand than i think its him who will destroy the relationship.

Everyone does silly things when emotions take over, as long as you can admit that and say sorry for it, and explain why you got so upset, he should be more than willing to let it go.
And he needs to explain things better too.

Thats all.

LegacyUser

HI bluering,
Hope the evening goes ok and meet up and discuss face to face, don't waste your time with phone calls.
There could be lots of innocent explainations available.
This is no way to react. Just see what expalination your fella offers you and then take your own best judgement and knowledge of your BF to tell you the truth.
You did pull a bunny boiler act and your first post says this, but you were also drunk.
You need to calm down face the truth be mature, its the only way you'll get through this.

flaka

To the OP

First is honesty - you need to establish if your BF is being honest. I wouldn't bother with his friends as their loyalty will be to him - and rightly so.

Second is your reaction - right now he is probably just hoping that you will not freak out and argue - as a guy he is more interested in not arguing and will say whatever he thinks will end the arguing - not the disagreement the actual verbal arguing.

So don't argue with him or you will not go anywhere.

Third is to be open to the possibility of some bizarre explanation.
Maybe he nicked it. Maybe he is gay and its another guys ring. Maybe he bought the ring for you. Maybe its from a girl you know that he is sleeping with. Maybe one of his mates put it there. Maybe its a magic ring.

If he thinks being honest is more trouble than its worth you will not get honesty. Where is the incentive to be honest if its just going to be more arguing?


Ultimatums are not useful. Given a non-judgemental atmosphere he'll be more likely to open up.

LegacyUser

So what was the outcome Bluering??

LegacyUser

Well, an update. He broke up with me and still hasn't admitted to anything apart from feeling 'distant' and unconnected to me over the past while. He said he didn't wanna hurt me or put doubt in my mind about our bond unless he was sure that he wanted to end things and the other night made it clear to him that he does.

I haven't spoken to him since but am devastated. I feel like I'm being punished while he gets to sleep around and have his freedom.

bored and tired

hi bluering, im not trying to scaremonger or anything just speaking from unfortunate personal experience, did ye use condoms??
if not then get yourself checked out, it sounds like he cheated and if he did than you need to know that he didnt pass on anything to you, and get treated if he did. theres nothing to say that if he cheated while you were in galway that he didnt do it during the previous two years.
keep the head high, slap on the make up and go out with the girls for a night on the tiles to take your mind off the eejit,