Did He Cheat On Me???

LegacyUser

I have had the weekend from hell and I really need some advice and opinions. I’ve been going out with my boyfriend
For almost two years and as far as I was concerned everything has been going great. He’s like my best friend aswell as
My lover, in fact the way we carry on people often mistake us friends and are surprised to hear we’re a couple. We’re
Constantly laughing and messing and just having fun.

He lives with 3 of his friends, all blokes and all really sound. I live with my brother. Most weekends I stay at his place cause his
bed is comfier than mine and he has a TV in his room. On Friday night we went to a gig in town then got some take out and went
back to his place. We were lying on his bed drinking listening to music when I noticed a ring on the floor beside his bed. It was silver
with a big blue jewel in it and doesn’t belong to me. I picked it up and asked him who’s it was. His jaw dropped and he literally started
to shake. He was holding a can and the beer was spilling over the sides. He was all flustered and red and tripping over his words.

I trust him completely and even when I saw the ring and asked him I wasn’t expecting a bda or sinister answer. I thought he’d say
It must be one of the lads girlfriends and maybe she came into his room to get a dvd or something and it fell off. I really thought there’d
be a simple explanation. I nearly got sick when I saw his reaction and asked him why he was getting so worked up. He just kept saying
over and over ‘I don’t know who owns it, please stop this, please don’t ask me this’. My head was wrecked and because I was quite drunk
I got really really upset and stormed out of his room. 2 of his flatmates were just after coming home and were in the front room drinking cans.
I went in and said to them ‘He cheated on me, I just found some sl*ts ring in his room’ and they both just kinda looked at the floor.

I left the house and got a cab home. I turned my phone off and haven’t had it back on since because I’m scared to talk to him for fear that he’ll tell
me that he f*cked someone else. Thankfully my brother calmed me down yesterday and helped me get through the day but now I don’t know what
to do.

Please somebody give me advice. If he cheated then it’s over and I swear to God I will kill him. I’ll sleep with his flatnates for revenge and will set
out to destroy him. I know that sounds evil and a bit crazy but I think cheating is the worst thing you can do to someone else and he knows how
devastated I’ll be and if he still chose to f*cke someone else then he deserves to be hurt back.

Where do I go from here? Also, he I didn’t leave the house on Saturday or Sunday and he didn’t call over at any stage even though he wouldn’t have been
Able to get through to my phone – this SCREAMS guilt to me..

LegacyUser

Wow, you're upset.. it's understandable, but calm down. If he has indeed cheated, you need to focus on getting over him, not revenge or sleeping around, wouldn't that just bring you down to his level?

Be the better person here, avoid him, get over it and get on about your life. I know its not easy, but trying to get "revenge" won't make you feel better, it will only get you called names.

Marksie

Bluering wrote: »

Please somebody give me advice. If he cheated then it’s over and I swear to God I will kill him. I’ll sleep with his flatnates for revenge and will set
out to destroy him. I know that sounds evil and a bit crazy but I think cheating is the worst thing you can do to someone else and he knows how
devastated I’ll be and if he still chose to f*cke someone else then he deserves to be hurt back.

I only hope to goodness that that is a spur of the moment anger. But if your head was wercked and you were drunk how did you pose the questions?.

I was just wondering if you scared the Sh*ite out fo him when you found the ring.

Now, leave your phone on and see what happens.
The only way you will know for sure is by talking to him or him telling you.

TerrorFirmer

To be honest, I'd just text him and ask for a straight yes or no answer. You can only go on from there, but you really can't do anything while you're stuck in limbo. It does sound like there's hardly an innocent explanation with such a reaction, but again, you need to know the full truth before you make any decisions.

Cheating is indeed a terrible breach of trust but it doesn't necessarily mean you can't try and move on - cheating is cheating, but there is alway context. There is a difference between consciously choosing to sleep with someone, and making a drunken mistake you can barely remember in the morning, but regret for the rest of your days. Neither is particularly easy to deal with, of course, are subjective to personal opinion but I really believe it to be a mistake to refuse to even entertain that aspect of it.

That said, the lack of contact is alarming. Equally however, guilt can make it understandably hard to face someone in person and doesn't automatically mean an inherent lack of respect/care. I know if I cheated on my girlfriend, I'd be devastated at having to tell her in person - but only because I care so much it'd really kill me having to give her such news and see the reaction first hand to something I caused. But that's the way things are.

Just ask and get it over with, it won't get any easier until you know.

6th

Q: Did He Cheat On Me???

A: Yes, imo he did. Now all you have to do is get him to confirm this and start moving on.

LegacyUser

The thing is, if you ask him straight out and he says no, will you believe him? I'm afraid all signs are pointing to the liklihood that he did do something he should have, so you're going to have to decide exactly how you act now. You can either flip out, go crazy and try to get revenge or you can sit down and try to talk it out.

cowzerp

I'd say yes he did, especially due to his reaction-he knew he was caught. Sleeping with his friend will only make you a sluut, and make you out in a real bad light, dont even think about it, move on and find a great boyfriend who will treat you well and this is your best revenge!

evry1sm8

Dont try to talk it out. If he did cheat and he confirms it, hold your head high, simply say you deserve better, and walk away!!
Dont talk to him again. And only consider talking or "working things out" if he persists and persists that he wants you back and will try harder next time. Good luck.

Mighty_Mouse

Christ, calm down a bit. Sounds like you've turned into a complete nut-job over this!!

went in and said to them ‘He cheated on me, I just found some sl*ts ring in his room’ and they both just kinda looked at the floor

Fair enough you were upset but ya broke several cardinal rules here.
1. Airing yer problems in public
2. Harassing his friends
etc etc .......
Personally, I couldnt care what the circumstances were but I would of told ya to take yer bullsh*t elsewhere.

If he cheated then it’s over and I swear to God I will kill him. I’ll sleep with his flatnates for revenge and will set
out to destroy him.

Again, psycho-girl?

For almost two years and as far as I was concerned everything has been going great. He’s like my best friend aswell as
My lover,

He might of cheated.,,,,,,,,,,,,,
Or he might of got retarded drunk in the house with the boys one night & collapsed upstairs into bed, whereby some chick who's fancied him for a while followed him up to try it on.............

I'm not saying thats likely but FFS just talk to the bloke.

Finally, If I was yer bf & actually innocent when you went off on one like this?
I'd be the one turning off the phone!

So if you had stuck around and calmy questioned him for as long as it took until you got to the bottom of it you'd be better off.
Now he's had time to collect himself and think about what he's gonna say etc ..............so can you trust anything he says now even if he's innocent?

Sometimes helps to get the full facts of the situation before detonation!

Balmed Out

You dont know he definately cheated but it may be the most likely of a variety of possibilities. Talk to him.
If i had a gf who found a ring left in my room and i hadnt cheated id be a bit freaked as i know what shed assume. If i was one of the guys downstairs id have looked at the floor if i didnt know for certain that he hadnt, again doesnt hang him. If i was him and innocent i wouldnt have bothered contacting you after your reaction and what u said to his friends id be pissed off.
I hope he hasnt for your sake but chances are he has. Dont bother with the whole revenge thing its stupid. It will just make you look like a silly slut who cant get over him. Be a bigger person. Good luck.

dellas1979

Ammm yeah. Listen, who knows if he has cheated. We sure dont.

But maybe he hasnt called or come around cause he is so mad at your reaction? Maybe he hasnt come around cause he is scared? Maybe he hasnt come around cause its true. Who knows. You can only ask him.

Is it a case of a simple "yes" or "no" at this stage?

What I would do is I'd ring him/txt to meet up and ask him all these questions. If you start off with the "ill kill you stuff" he is going to clam up. Just sit down and ask him.

Mazeire

The only way you can get an answer to this is to take the bull by the horns and either ring him or meet up with him. I know that the answer you get may be horrible in the short term but you are drivibg yourself insane with all this second guessing.
Has this srt of thing happened before? I'm not trying to be smart, its just you were very quick to assume the worse for such a perfect relationship?

Anyway keep us posted and goodluck!

Femelade

Just turn on your phone for a start and see what he has to say for himself...
It looks bad though , even the fact that he hasnt called to you or anything...

LegacyUser

OP I had a similar experience to you expect i would be in your bf's position.

going out with my GF 3 year, living in a house with 4 other lads. I would go back home about once a month for the weekend it was a party house but I had been living with the same lads for 4 years and when i went home people often crashed in my room, I knew most of them pretty well by the time I started to let this happen. Anyway I had been home one weekend and the following friday my GF came over to watch a DVD, now I wouldnt be the tidiest chap in the world and usually my GF gets so irritated by it she usually cleans up now and again! Anyway she started tidying up and I was sticking on the DVD and opening a well earned beer!

Anyway all of a sudden she starts screaming "what the fcuk is this etc etc, have you been shagging someone else" She knew my housemates pretty well and stormed downstairs demanding to know who I had been shagging from them" Anyway it turns out on of my house mates pulled some girl in town brought her home but his room was in use by someone else so he took this girl to mine and she had left some jewellry on the ground, needless to say once she calmed down i gots lots of make up sex!

But tbh from my experience I'd say he's cheated and the housemates know, but you need proof...

K_P

First things first. Turn on your phone. You've already convinced yourself of the worst and are plotting your revenge. Find out what happened first and talk to him. I'm not suggesting you take him back or forgive him or anything like that. But at the moment you're driving yourself mad without knowing anything.

Mr. Incognito

Explanation A. He cheated and you went chicken oriental.

Explanation B. He didn't cheat and you went chicken oriental.

one is justifiable. The other is not.

BillyoftheBeast

If you have suspicions then you are probably right. people don't like to believe whats in front of them sometimes as the truth is too painful.

LegacyUser

I turned my phoned on and had 3 messages from him.

1) I've tried calling you but like a child you have your phone turned off. Grow up
and let me explain.

2) Please give me a chance to explain, why are you acting like such a child.

3) Ignore me then, your being a fool. Snap out of it.


What the hell????? How am I supposed to respond to any of them? There's no sense of sorrow for upsetting me. There's no I undersatnd that it must've looked bad but I'm really innocent, nothing. So he hasn't denied it or admitted it. As somebody else pointed out too, he's now had time to come up with an excuse and his friends will all be in on it and they'll make sure it's infallible. I'm never gonna know the truth but my heart says he did it. I was away last weekend in Galway so he would've had the perfect opportunity to do it.
The thing is, we really are like best friends and I sometimes get the feeling that he sees me as more of a mate at times and not as his sexy lover if you know what I mean...
I know the revenge thing is bad but how can I just let him get away with this?

Jesus Wept

Bluering wrote: »

.

Please somebody give me advice. If he cheated then it’s over and I swear to God I will kill him. I’ll sleep with his flatnates for revenge and will set
out to destroy him. I know that sounds evil and a bit crazy but I think cheating is the worst thing you can do to someone else and he knows how
devastated I’ll be and if he still chose to f*cke someone else then he deserves to be hurt back.

You sound like a complete psychopath.
Your genitals are not a weapon.
You degrade yourself 100 times more than you hurt him by this proposed plan of action.
Have some dignity and self respect and walk away.

dudara

Whether he's innocent or not, there is no need for him to leave messages like those on your phone.

Any one who calls themself your boyfriend should have the sensitivity to know what will upset you, and should know how to deal with it.

Leaving voicemail messages like that is fairly pathetic, he should come over and talk to you in person, allowing both of you the chance to discuss things.

LegacyUser

Oi people stop.

I reacted that way when my girlfriend found a condom wrapper next to the bedside locker. It was the wrapper of the one we used the previous week, but I had nothing to say, I was terrified she would think that I was cheating when I wasnt.
I was literally petrified. We then figured it out. She has maturity and sense. Unlike the OP.

tbh

Bluering wrote: »

I know the revenge thing is bad but how can I just let him get away with this?

what do you mean "let him get away with it?" You are not 16, are you? what's the point in letting him get to you? Take my advice, the best revenge is a life well-lived.

Amazotheamazing

I agree with him, you were acting like a child storming off and turning off your phone. If you are as violent as you make out, maybe you are better off apart?

You found one ring and decided to risk a two year long relationship with someone you call your best friend, you don't think, that maybe, just maybe, you massively over-reacted? It could be any number of innocent things but you immediately jumped to the worst possible one and now you're wondering why he might be a bit pissed off? If my g/f showed that little trust in me I'd be annoyed too.

Wibbs

Bluering wrote: »

Please somebody give me advice.

It doesn't look good. I suspect strongly that you're not getting the whole story. His and to a lesser extent his flatmates reaction suggests more goin on. Though his flatmates may have simply not wanted to get involved in the fireworks at the time.

If he cheated then it’s over and I swear to God I will kill him. I’ll sleep with his flatnates for revenge and will set
out to destroy him. I know that sounds evil and a bit crazy

Yes it does sound more than crazy and I can see why some hear are painting you wit the psycho brush, but as it's the heat of the moment and all that, then it's understandable. Hopefully you're looking at it with fresh eyes now.

but I think cheating is the worst thing you can do to someone else and he knows how
devastated I’ll be

Agreed

and if he still chose to f*cke someone else then he deserves to be hurt back.

Now he doesn't. You're not children. Blame and empty revenge is for kids. If he has cheated then cry your eyes out in private, but hold your head up high and drop him and don't look back. Going all nutso in public will make it look to others as if he made the right decision. Do not give him anymore power in this than you have to.

1) I've tried calling you but like a child you have your phone turned off. Grow up
and let me explain.

2) Please give me a chance to explain, why are you acting like such a child.

3) Ignore me then, your being a fool. Snap out of it.

Though he may be the guilty party he has a valid point about the maturity. Stop playing into that, for your sake.

There's no sense of sorrow for upsetting me.

Maybe communicating same by text is not the best plan as far as he's concerned?

As somebody else pointed out too, he's now had time to come up with an excuse and his friends will all be in on it and they'll make sure it's infallible.

Quite possible.

I'm never gonna know the truth but my heart says he did it.

Well an adult conversation is going to have to take place, sooner rather than later.

I know the revenge thing is bad

It's not just bad it's idiotic and will only serve to hurt you further and make him out right to have cheated on you.

but how can I just let him get away with this?

YOu don't you get on with your life without him, if that's what you want. The best revenge is a well lived life(tbh great minds...).

evry1sm8

I agree with Wibbs and tbh.

Miss Fluff

Bluering wrote: »

I’ve been going out with my boyfriend
For almost two years and as far as I was concerned everything has been going great. He’s like my best friend aswell as
My lover, in fact the way we carry on people often mistake us friends and are surprised to hear we’re a couple..............Most weekends I stay at his place cause his
bed is comfier than mine and he has a TV in his room.

How is your sex life?

Marksie

Bluering wrote: »

What the hell????? How am I supposed to respond to any of them?

Probably would have helped if you didnt have your phone switched off

Bluering wrote: »

There's no sense of sorrow for upsetting me.

Hard to express that in a text. But he couldnt get in touch because you had your phone off

Bluering wrote: »

There's no I undersatnd that it must've looked bad but I'm really innocent, nothing.

Perhaps he would have said that, but wait you had your phone off

Bluering wrote: »

So he hasn't denied it or admitted it.

Probably realised how hopeless it was as he tried phoning but couldnt get through.
You know why by now

Bluering wrote: »

As somebody else pointed out too, he's now had time to come up with an excuse and his friends will all be in on it and they'll make sure it's infallible.

Well lets see, he has had time to make an excuse..why? (hint: see above)

Bluering wrote: »

I'm never gonna know the truth but my heart says he did it.

and there it is..trust gone.

Well, whether he did or not. All your reasonings for leaving him are there even if he comes up with a plausible explanation.

Best to walk away now. You flew right of the handle (rightly or wrongly, it no longer matters). then Cut contact completely for an extended period.
By your own admission he tried to contact
and now you find yoursefl in a position where you wont believe him at all.

Your even loking at reasoning why he would see you as a friend rather than a sexy lover.
I am not saying that he didnt do anything, but what i am saying is that subsequent actions effctively not only droove teh nails into the coffin of your relationship, then carried it to the grave, chucked it in and put the earth on top

Mighty_Mouse

There's no sense of sorrow for upsetting me.

If you need a blokes perspective.
Honestly if I was your bf and actually innocent, then I wouldnt of even bothered contacting you.

I just figure you'd come back around after your hissy-fit dissipated.

You really really need to grow-up in how yer handling this whole mess.
And like I said previously, because you acted the nut-job before gettin the full facts its likely you'll never trust what he says. EVEN if he's telling the truth!!!

dellas1979

My god woman, will you just bleedin ask him. Put ourselves and yourself out of misery.

In all fairness, you want to know whats going on, but when it comes to the crunch, you cant deal with it. I personally think you are going about this all arse ways. Will you just ask him what happened? Im sorry to be so harsh, you did, after all, get a nasty shock, but you need to start making sense of this and stop speculating (I could think of 100s of reasons there could be a ring in the room - I could think of 100s of reason for his reaction - I could think of 100s of reasons for this flatmates' reactions).

Mazeire

Go down and get the answers. Then decide if you believe and can live wityh what he tells you. I you can't , even if you have the slightest doubt then for the sake of your sanity it's over. You are worth more than being passed around by his friends as well, so get that daft idea of taking revenge by sleeping with them out of your head ASAP

AnonoBoy

You need to sit down and talk with him calmly. With no drink taken.

This rushing off and turning off your phone is only serving to confuse the matter and stop any communication.

There could be lots of explanations for a ring being in his room. He may have reacted the way he did because he knows you and knew you were going to fly off the handle without giving him a chance to explain. Also I would say that the fact you were drunk may have coloured your intepretation of his reaction.

Also - if I was one of his housemates I would not have answered somebody storming in like that. Best to steer clear of situations like that whether you know anything or not. So you can't really infer anything from their reaction at all.