cheating

john1963

my wife has told me she was intimate with a guy while we were going out, we split up for a few weeks and she was with him. she says she started to have sex but stopped it because it wasnt right. i am really upset, and am having trouble dealing with it. anyone have any advice. i do love her but hate what she did

cold_filter

john1963 wrote: »

my wife has told me she was intimate with a guy while we were going out

john1963 wrote: »

we split up for a few weeks and she was with him.

If you split up, then you weren't going out, There's not a whole lot of come back here, you were single she was single.

c - 13

john1963 wrote: »

my wife has told me she was intimate with a guy while we were going out, we split up for a few weeks and she was with him. she says she started to have sex but stopped it because it wasnt right. i am really upset, and am having trouble dealing with it. anyone have any advice. i do love her but hate what she did

She was fair game at the time, she hasnt done anything wrong.

john1963

it was her idea to split up

Oriel

Just be glad she came back to you.
Then drop it.

evry1sm8

I know it must be horrible to deal with the fact that it happened, but you need to be happy that you have her now and the other guy doesnt. Its the only way you can look at it from this point onwards.

Oryx

As has been said, she didnt do anything wrong. The only place this is a problem is inside your head, really. You need to try to come to terms with it yourself. Dont look on it as a betrayal of you, you broke up temporarily, she blew off a bit of steam, you got back together, which is a good result. Plus, she seems to have not had sex, she backed out, maybe because of thoughts of you.

Its in the past. Just leave it there and get along as youve been doing before you knew about this.

evry1sm8

PS: If what happened has made you insecure about her feelings for you, and if thats what the issue is more than feeling cheated, then id advise talking to her about it. Tell her how you feel and hopefully she can reassure you.

Aura

Was it a lets take a break scenario? Was it a case of no this is definitely over? Was it a calm break up if such a thing exists or were emotions running high? How long were you together at the time?

Been on the other side of this though nothing intimate actually happened but still I did end up in a situation I would not have been in had I still been in the relationship at the time. It’s a tricky one. She's human and people often look for comfort or some self affirmation with someone else whilst grieving. Personally I think the fact you are now married should show you her commitment to your relationship. Why let your head run riot with something that is in the past and ruin your present and future? It certainly played a significant role, amongst other things, in the downfall of that relationship for us and if I was married to someone and totally in love I personally would see much more to be gained in letting this go in the long run. By all means let it out now and discuss it with her but move on then. No good can come of it for either of you if you can’t.

Ultimately I say look at the bigger picture here. You’re married and in love. Stay that way if you can at all and fight your feelings of insecurity or paranoia.

Good luck. I know it’s not at all easy.


A.

Ciara2008

Well maybe this close encounter that your wife had was one of the reasons she knew she wanted to be with you!

People get mixed up and confused - event scared by long term commitment, its natural to see what's on the otherside.

End of the day - she chose you!

Think of now and don't dwell on the past

Dizzyblonde

You have a choice - you can either continue to dwell on this and make it a bigger issue than it needs to be, or you can put it in the past where it belongs and forget about it. You'd split up, she came back, don't make her regret it because of your obsessing about it. Plus, they didn't have sex.

Overheal

Its an old skeleton OP. She told you because it has no bearing on your current relationship. You weren't in a relationship when it happened and I assume you yourself can differentiate between the relationship you had before the split, and the relationship after?

She realised it was wrong, stopped it, and went back to you. Whats the problem? She had another mans dick in her? Most everyone any of us meets will have had someone else before us.

Balmed Out

Why is she telling you this now?

Wibbs

Balmed Out wrote: »

Why is she telling you this now?

That's what I was wondering about. How long are you married? How long ago was this break? How long was the break itself?

If this was years ago, I would echo the other posters. I understand where you're coming from. It is a blow to the oul ego and you may evn be wondering if this was an isolated case, or did she break up at the time just to see what someone else was all about. OK fine all natural, but you have to let this go. You're the one she's with now. Put it another way, what's the alternative?

MagicMarker

Did this happen when you were bf/gf, or when you were married? To be honest, I think there's a big difference between the two.

Marksie

I wondered too at the time interval and how long you are married. Also what prompted this.

A coming clean perhaps as she has carried this around for a long time.

You were broken up for a few weks and people do see others during that time and realise they have made mistakes, which seems to be what has happened here.

You will have to talk to her about it as its will only eat you up inside otherwise

SarahSassy

Its not a 10 foot wall so GET OVER IT. She chose you, if you are on at her every day about this aincient history I would not balme her if she 'unchooses' you......

Balmed Out

SarahSassy wrote: »

Its not a 10 foot wall so GET OVER IT. She chose you, if you are on at her every day about this aincient history I would not balme her if she 'unchooses' you......

If u were with someone in a very serious relationship and ye broke up for a short time and he slept with someone else would it not bother you a little. We all might do it but that doesnt mean its not going to hurt our ex (soon to be un ex) if they found out.
By the way i am right in thinking she didnt actually cheat on you as it all happened while ye were broken up for a few weeks?

Id be a bit pissed off she told me to be honest. Any time i break up with someone and we manage to stay friends i never say anything about my love life to them in case it upsets them, and id expect the same in return. The fact that she decided to rub your face in it would piss me off, not that it happened as after all ye were broken up.

Jack B. Badd

john1963 wrote: »

it was her idea to split up

Would it have been ok if it was your idea?

WhiteWashMan

john1963 wrote: »

my wife has told me she was intimate with a guy while we were going out, we split up for a few weeks and she was with him. she says she started to have sex but stopped it because it wasnt right. i am really upset, and am having trouble dealing with it. anyone have any advice. i do love her but hate what she did

its ok to be upset, but you need to talk to her, not us.

Esel

How long ago was this? Why had you split up? Why did she tell you this anyway?

Foolish of her to have told you, imo. Was she trying to hurt you, or getting it off her chest? Anyway, now you know. Look, it's in the past, leave it there. You say you love her, and let's hope she loves you. That's what is important.

[edit] Wrong of you to refer to it as cheating, if you had split up at the time. She did not cheat on you. Realise this. [/edit]

john1963

i do talk to her. i am just looking for objective opinions. thanks everyone for your advice and help. we were not married when it happened, she split up with me and i was hurt. i cant understand why she would go off with someone else.. maybe it is just my pride. he was alot older too. it does get to me sometimes

AngryBadger

I'm inclined to agree with other posters about you guys not being together at that time.

Although I am wondering why she bothered to tell you this? I mean she didn't cheat, erego there's no guilt, so all she'd achieve by telling you was to mess with your head? Unless I'm missing something else.

milkerman

Has this issue surfaced just recently? When did your wife tell you about this fling?
TBH She did not cheat on you. She did not do anything wrong and if you had the opportunity of sex with someone else at that time you would probably have taken it.
If your wife told you about this years ago when you got back together I would say hats off to her for her honesty. If she said this recently I would ask her why she bothered to tell you - what good could it do?
You need to talk to your wife. Based on what you have said though, she has no case to answer and you should just get on with life.

Dragan

john1963 wrote: »

it was her idea to split up

Maybe find out why she was't happen with you and see what you can fix?

Not being cruel dude, but people don't split up because everything is smiles and rainbows.

john1963

why was she having sex with a man 12 years older who she hardly knew instead of being with me

Mazeire

OP I'm lost. Whats your issue? That she had sex with someone else or the age difference between her and the guy she had sex with? How did all this come up? Did you ask her? How long are ye back together after the split?

6th

Only she can answer that mate.

Tink

Age should'nt be the issue (if there is an issue at all)
you were split up at the time or did you agree not to see other people.
Was the reason for splitting because she was seein this other guy these are questions only she can answer so start talkin

Hope you sort your head out

Blackpitts

just move on, it's hard to accept but it happened. Look at the future together not at the past.

Marksie

john1963 wrote: »

why was she having sex with a man 12 years older who she hardly knew instead of being with me

TBH there may be any host of reasons and the age is immaterial really. Loneliness, vulnerability, confusion, somoene giving her attentionat a low point. Mistakes (for that is what she is calling it) can be made when people are in emotional turmoil and confusion

But how ago did all this happen?

Months, years?
If you have been carrying this around with you all this time it really needs to be sorted now.

The only person who can do that for you is yourself.

Has she EVER in the time you got back together given you any indication that she has been with anyone else?

That this was not simply a mistake with all the turmoil going on when you were split up?

Do you in fact trust her? and is this about pride in the end..that you feel that you have been slighted because she went with someone else?

In the end you will have to accept this if your relationship is going to stay healthy.

WWM says it is ok to be upset, he is right, to a point. If you acrry this around with you for ever it will sour everything in the end.

The only people who can truly answer whats happened are you and your wife.

By all means talk about it further, but she has told you this for a reason, she could wuite easily not have, and you would have been none the wiser.

If you had been the one who had done this, what would you be hoping for by tellnig your partner?

Also look at the real reasons why you are clinging to this?

Intothesea

Hello there

Could it be that you're unsettled by this
because it potentially says that your wife
values sex in a different way to what you
previously believed? Do you feel her actions
were out of sync with the way she had
proclaimed to feel about you? If so, I can
understand the basis for your worry, OP.

I think the thing to focus on here is that
she says that it 'didn't feel right'. That to
me is a real marker that she acted impulsively,
and drew back when her heart raised a
giant stop sign. Your biggest issue might be
your ego, and you're entitled to your hurt.
I would talk to her and tell her honestly that
even though it's all in the past, it affects you
anyway. Ask honest, to-the-point questions
and recieve honest answers, you can't lose.

Good luck.

LegacyUser

john1963 wrote: »

why was she having sex with a man 12 years older who she hardly knew instead of being with me

I'd be the exact same as you to be honest...I can be guilty of being arrogant though...are you sure this is not just arrogance on your part?

john1963

i think i am insecure about it not arrogant

Tink

What are you insecure about- she chose you
You have to either try to put it behind you or talk it through once and for all.

The_B_Man

The OP is pissed off that shes not the nice innocent girl he thought she was when they got married. Also, the idea that his wife could actually be attracted to someone else is shocking too! i've been in that situation. not with a wife, but a long term gf.

Mr. Incognito

Its not a 10 foot wall so GET OVER IT. She chose you, if you are on at her every day about this aincient history I would not balme her if she 'unchooses' you......

This smacks of a double standard. i'd love to see your response if it was a wife on here complaining that her husband split up with her, had sex with someone else and then came back.

Your wife cheated on you mate. It's not something you can brush under the carpet.

The questions I would ask if I were in your position.

Can I trust her?

Why is she telling me this?

Why was she unfaithful in the first place? (this is important, fella's will rut like a dog in heat with no emotional attachment but this seems like a pre-meditated plan of hers. The fact that the experience did not live up to the fantasy is regardless)

Only your wife knows the answers to these and if you're not satisfied, walk.

"Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me"

Rossibaby

take a blunt object and bludgeon,bludgeon and bludgeon her head til you dont recognise her

Marksie

Rossibaby : Banned, advocating violence

Balmed Out

id be most concerned with why shes telling you now, i doubt she broke up with the intention of sleeping with someone else and then going back to u as some sort of lets cheat without feeling guilty afterwards policy.

Golferx

SetantaL wrote: »

This smacks of a double standard. i'd love to see your response if it was a wife on here complaining that her husband split up with her, had sex with someone else and then came back.

Your wife cheated on you mate. It's not something you can brush under the carpet.

The questions I would ask if I were in your position.

Can I trust her?

Why is she telling me this?

Why was she unfaithful in the first place? (this is important, fella's will rut like a dog in heat with no emotional attachment but this seems like a pre-meditated plan of hers. The fact that the experience did not live up to the fantasy is regardless)

Only your wife knows the answers to these and if you're not satisfied, walk.

"Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me"

This is ridiculous, IMO.


Anyone deserves to be criticised for something she/he did, but not for something she/he did not do.

Lady, who is not dating anyone, is entitled to do anything she wants. The lady in this saga did NOT cheat on the OP.

They were not dating at the time, by the OP's admission, so there was no act of cheating.

If the lady feels strong enough to confide about such an incident it's 100% wrong to criticise her for doing so.

If she felt an attraction for someone else, while she was a single/free woman, then sobeit. It does appear she is getting no credit for realising she may have made a mistake and going back to the OP, and to become his wife.


As for saying his "wife" cheated on him? It would be more accurate to say his, then ex-girlfriend, did not cheat on him. No ex-girlfriend of mine ever, ever, had any obligation to consider me in anything they did to/with anyone else.
My wife's activities before we got together are of absolutely no business of mine.

Jack B. Badd

SetantaL wrote: »

fella's will rut like a dog in heat with no emotional attachment but this seems like a pre-meditated plan of hers.

SetantaL wrote: »

This smacks of a double standard.

:rolleyes:

OP, when did your wife actually tell you that she had sex with someone else? You seem to be ignoring this very pertinent question. If it was recently, why did she tell you now? If it was at the time, why is this an issue now? Btw, I'm not saying you have to tell a bunch of randomers on the internet but when she told you and why is more relevent than the fact that she had sex with someone else when you weren't going out or married and therefore have no justifiable reason to get pissy about it.

Rattlehead_ie

To Golferx, I'm just curious over your opinion.
This isn't just a girlfriend / boyfriend breaking up kinda thing this is a marriage it changes the situation slightly.

OP: Can you clarify about this you "split up" was this a kinda we need time apart thing or was it at the time a definite we are finished no more us situation. Either way I think you have a right to be upset i.e. feel sad and disappointed that your wife would decide that sleeping with someone so soon after a break up of a marriage was good idea, but I also agree with the other posters that there is no need or cause to be angry / upset at her as if it was a case that you two had broken up and at the time it was a permanent thing she has every right to do what she did.

Marksie

rattlehead.ie: my take from the original post was this occurred while they were boyfriend and girfriend.

Unless i missed someghing in the thread, whihc is possible, we dont know when it occurred timewise in the realationship.
The reasons for the initial split.
How long it was until they got married
and how long they have been married.

There is a lot is supposition and guessing.

But the bottom line for the OP is how does he overcome this insecurity and move on in his marriage

Edit John 1963: I was checking your posts for anything i have missed.
I found this thread you started in november last year:
http://www.boards.ie/vbulletin/showthread.php?t=2055187036

Rattlehead_ie

and thats the reason your a Mod Marksie.
It its a case then so of bf - gf breaking up. I say there is no REAL issue, yes she jumped into bed quickly with someone and I'm sure thats upsetting but it inst cheating and there should be no reason why you shouldn't trust her. In fact she was very good to even tell you

john1963

wwe went out for 6 months. she said things were not working for her. she broke it off with me. i told her i did not want to break up. i rang her 8 weeks after. we got back together. then i found out about the other guy, she said she stopped and did not have full sex with him. i wonder why when she broke up with me and she wanted something better why she would have what amounts to a one night stand, should i believe her that she stopped it and asked him to leave

Golferx

john1963 wrote: »

wwe went out for 6 months. she said things were not working for her. she broke it off with me. i told her i did not want to break up. i rang her 8 weeks after. we got back together. then i found out about the other guy, she said she stopped and did not have full sex with him. i wonder why when she broke up with me and she wanted something better why she would have what amounts to a one night stand, should i believe her that she stopped it and asked him to leave

It doesn't matter if you believe her or not. You weren't a couple during this period so leave it and move on.
It does appear she realised she was better off with you and made her choice. Why not give her credit for this instead of acting like you own the girl.

Give her a break and forget about it, or else do the girl a favour and free her from this obsession.

Nobody owes his/her spouse an explanation for anything he/she might have done while they were single. You are being so unfair to your wife. Surely if she came back to you she deserves the respect any wife deserves?


(Oh, and please type correctly, use full stops and upper case, your posts are disjointed and difficult to read properly)

Aura

OP do both of you a favour and try as best you can to move past this. The more questions you ask the more tension there will be and the more this will stick in your head and drive you crazy.

It's horrible for you to be feeling this way but just focus on the fact that your wife loves YOU and married YOU and keep looking forward.

I feel for you but things like this can really snowball in your mind if you let them so let go of it now before it becomes insurmountable.

A.

Marksie

So you were going out 6 months

You split for 2 months

When you got back together how long was it until you got married?

how long have you been married?

In that time she *almost* had sex with asnother guy and WHEN did she tell you?

I am sorry john1963, but i am not happy with what you are saying. You are just repeating the same information time and again. I have been around on boards long enough to know that when it comes to a genuine desire to take on board the advice the OP is usually more than forthcoming.
Given the previous thread and this one contains nothing new..i wonder what you are acheiving here?

Mazeire

If you have such a problem with it then why on earth did you marry her? It sounds like she has been really honest and forthcoming with you, and has been rewarded with a load of judgemental nonsense.
She broke it off with you. Generally the dumper is dumping someone because, for whatever reason, they want to dip their toe in the water of singledom. This usually involves being with someone new. Not pleasant but true, and certainly not just confined to you.
Look, it is what it is and you either sh*t in the can or get off because you can't change the past and neither can your wife. You should be ashamed for trapping her in to this marriage because you have quite clearly been disgusted with this and her way before you got married and have not been honest with her.

john1963

ok folks, thanks for the replies. looks like i am to bame. yes i should forgive her and move on but i do find it hard to accept.i was not applying any double standards though. i have never slept with someone i was not going out with