Can Anyone Offer Any Words ?

Anselm

Hi everyone, thanks for reading - would really appreciate some help.

I am going out with an amazing girl for the last 7 months, I love her so much, and I thought she did as well, she called me her soul mate on xmas eve, suggested moving in, everything going well, bar a few odd arguments, which every couple has. Cant overstate how strongly I feel for her, and she is the same.
Anyway - she has said that her feelings has changed, and she is confused, - asked for some time to think, which I gave her - but a day later she came back saying lets break up - then later that day she said she didnt know, confused, needs time, etc. She also said that she still loves me, adding to the confusion. I just dont know what to do, cant sleep, eat, work - I just want her.
She has asked for a week to think - I dont know if I can handle the stomach churning, heart-breaking, wait - for what could be a decision that just shatters my heart and soul.

Has anyone any advice please ?
Thank you

togster

There is nothing you can do but wait. She asked you for time. You need to give her that space. Why is she confused?

Anselm

says her feelings have changed, but she isnt sure what, why, or how basically..I even texted her this morning (mistake) and she said she will talk to me on SUNDAY...

Marksie

OK firstly: try and get yourself into some routine. The not sleeping eating etc. is not going to do you any good or anyone else for that matter.

Are you pressuring her for an answer? and do you believe that a week is sufficient for her to make up her mind?

If you back off and let her be totally then it will put less pressure on the both of you.

Now did she give any reason why, after being the one suggesting moving in that her feelings have changed and that she is now confused?
It seesm a radical shift even before the event

listermint

Leave her to do her own thing. no contact. Do as she asks. It will more that likely work itself out. Annoying her will not work in your favour. Its hard but thats what you have to do.

Wibbs

Anselm wrote: »

I am going out with an amazing girl for the last 7 months, I love her so much, and I thought she did as well, she called me her soul mate on xmas eve, suggested moving in, everything going well, bar a few odd arguments, which every couple has.

So far so good. I will say this though, at least one of those arguments you figured was sorted is still haunting you and the relationship. Nobody no matter how daft, leaves a good thing for nothing.

Cant overstate how strongly I feel for her, and she is the same.

While I believe the former, I'm having trouble with the latter for obvious reasons. In any case, what matters here as far as the relationship is concerned is how she feels about you.

Anyway - she has said that her feelings has changed, and she is confused,

OK, bit of advice and obviously this is from my point of view as a man, so it's what I know, but when a woman says she's confused, you need to tread very carefully. The bull at least from your point of view is about to flow nine times out of ten. The next line is usually "let's take a break"/"it's not me it's you" etc

asked for some time to think, which I gave her - but a day later she came back saying lets break up

bingo. At least she didn't come out with the actual line, "we need a break" though that's how it's turning out.

then later that day she said she didnt know, confused, needs time, etc. She also said that she still loves me, adding to the confusion.

This throws a lot of guys(I presume women too). The old chestnut of "I love you but I'm not in love with you" or variants on that theme. Soulmate, best friend etc. They're all good but in the heel of the reel only worth a damn if you're in a functioning sexual relationship. If not, then it's nice to hear but useless long term.

My take on this would be that she still likes/loves you, but has lost the spark for you. This is in most cases the translation for "I'm confused", she's having second thoughts about you in the romantic sense, she isn't as into you physically as before, or she is into someone that way more than you. It might not even be a someone else(usually is though), it could be her feeling too young to be in anything serious. The fact is these are all excuses too. If she did love you then life or feelings towards other blokes would be dealt with. Confusion would not be an issue.

Put it another way, when it was going well a couple of months in she wasn't confused, was she? Flip it around here, ou're not confused now, are you? You would only be confused if you wanted to get out of the relationship, but liked her enough not to want to hurt her. This I strongly suspect is what's going on here.

She has asked for a week to think - I dont know if I can handle the stomach churning, heart-breaking, wait - for what could be a decision that just shatters my heart and soul.

Give her that week. Walk away. Anything you do of a "romantic" nature will drive her away. Sounds counter intuitive but it's true. Let her miss you completely. Let her know what it's like to not have you. If you normally talk every day, stop that for that week. Let her work her "confusion" out on her own time.

If she suggests more "time to think", tell her OK but you also need time and again walk away. Do not be a shoulder to cry on while she tries to move away from you.

Marksie

Anselm wrote: »

says her feelings have changed, but she isnt sure what, why, or how basically..

Hmmm, seems like dodging to me, I think she does have an idea. Its not something that she is looking at though but is avopiding looking at.

Marksie

Wibbs wrote: »

If she suggests more "time to think", tell her OK but you also need time and again walk away. Do not be a shoulder to cry on while she tries to move away from you.

OP : i think this is salient advice.

You have to think about what wibbs is saying here.

Its not game playing or brinkmanship to turn around and say to her. "Yes, i appreciate you need to see if this is going to work or not. But i also now need to think if its going to work or not."

RubyXI

Maybe she fell i love with someone else. Thats what it was with me when i started acting like that. But of course it miten't be that.

Wibbs

Anselm wrote: »

says her feelings have changed, but she isnt sure what, why, or how basically

The usual reasons are unresolved arguments, boredom, doesn't see a future with you, sexual problems, met someone else that gets her going more than you, neediness in the guy is a big one. There are a lot of reasons. Often people can't explain why this happens. I've found this especially true of women. They can't always put words on why the feelings have changed they just have. Like the reverse of falling in love. They just "knew" he was the "one" etc, but explaining that is difficult. Don't ask her for explanation. Act on her actions, not her words. Even if she leaves you she'll respect you more. If it's over treat it as such. Wish her well and walk away.

..I even texted her this morning (mistake) and she said she will talk to me on SUNDAY...

Yea, stop texting or any contact. The more you contact the further she will drift away from you. Guaranteed.

wanabehome

nicely put wibbs

Anselm

All good advice guys..its like having to live in limbo for a week though - jesus, its so hard to focus on anything....

I dont think there is someone else, almost certain there isnt -we have had a few heart to hearts lately, and agreed to work on some issues like talking more, and specifically trying to be a team, and to each contribute in debates, issues, argument, etc

I just dont know what I will do if I lose her - had my heart broken once, just cant go through all this again..

Overheal

Yes, like the other posters have said; I'll just re-iterate its never going to invoke a positive reaction if you keep contacting her, especially in any romantic way. Especially: writing texts and emails saying i love you/ i miss you - these will well and truly drive her further away. This sounds counter-intuitive but trust anyone thats made this mistake in the past: it will never, ever work - and more likely the negative reaction you invoke doing so will just break your heart anyway.

Also, no girl (or guy) wants to really hear all of that depressed moody stuff - 'I cant live without you' 'you're breaking my heart' stuff - They want the strong guy that isn't going to fall off the planet if he hits a fork in the road; they one that can do what he needs to even when life drowns you in a dung heap.

Keep your distance in every sense of the word. Spend your week learning how to live without her.

Anselm

Thanks mate - I guess all I can do is wait..I just want to know how she is thinking, if she is OK, I literally cant imagine my life without her, even after only 7 months...ive never been this deeply in love before...how can someone say at Christmas that they are my soul mate, undying love, and now come to this in just 3 weeks ?

tbh

She thought you were her soul-mate, but it turned out she may have been wrong. It happens, and, fwiw, it's probably nothing personal. There's nothing you can do to control this now, and that's what relationships - especially the good ones - do to you. They make you vunerable to this type of thing happening. But it's totally worth it, even if it does'nt work out.

Wibbs

Anselm wrote: »

All good advice guys..its like having to live in limbo for a week though - jesus, its so hard to focus on anything....

Focus on the fact that you cannot contact her.

I dont think there is someone else, almost certain there isnt

Maybe not, but that's an assumption too many make that turns out to be wrong.

-we have had a few heart to hearts lately, and agreed to work on some issues like talking more, and specifically trying to be a team, and to each contribute in debates, issues, argument, etc

I would say that heart to hearts only 7 months in while sounding good, are not that good a sign. You should still be in the psycho love stage.

I just dont know what I will do if I lose her - had my heart broken once, just cant go through all this again..

Think of it this way. You're lucky(bare with me). You've gone through this before, so you know you will get over it and find someone else. You know you will fall in love again as you did after the first time.

littlebitdull

Just to echo an earlier post....

Do as Wibbs says.

Never before have i read such good honest and true advice. Step back, give here the space, wait. Its all you can do.

Wibbs

Anselm wrote: »

I just want to know how she is thinking,

She's thinking what she's told you. She's confused about her feelings for you and has to work it out. Not a great help to you, but that's pretty much it.

if she is OK,

Not to appear cold, but until she makes up her mind to be or not to be your partner, it's not your concern. She's made a decision, leave her to it.

I literally cant imagine my life without her,

NOt good for future reference. If you cant imagine your life without someone everything you do in the relationship, good and bad will be coloured by that.

how can someone say at Christmas that they are my soul mate, undying love, and now come to this in just 3 weeks ?

That's nothin'. I had an ex of mine after 2 years tell me I was her soulmate, undying love, etc, while we were in bed making love. Fast forward 12 hours(8 hours apart) and she's "confused" and has discovered she has feelings for someone else(who she knew for 4 hours of that 8 hours apart). Mad aint in it. I tell you I was very very hurt by that and did the usual begging. All the while she was the usual " I love you and I hope I get my feelings back". :rolleyes: Luckily I copped on a few weeks in, basically over how embarrassing I was becoming. I walked away. Not easy but worth it. Of course, 6 months after that she comes back begging for me to get back with her. Needless to say I politely told her to go away. I still get emails and texts from her many years later asking to meet up. And she's apparently engaged now! It happens and in the case of that emotional nutter I dodged a bullet I can tell you.:D

Mighty_Mouse

I literally cant imagine my life without her, even after only 7 months.

Reckon there might be a bigger issue as regards how you handle yer emotions in general.
This might work out but if it doesnt; If you fall this deep, this quick with zero skills to handle yer emotions should things go pear-shaped.............you're setting yourself up for a tough life buddy.


Lay-off the girl, think practically about the situation. I wouldn't be surprised if its the intensity with which you express yerself thats maybe scaring her a little. (ie. if she doesnt feel as deeply and strongly as you, then she might start asking herself questions as to why?)

Marksie

Wibbs wrote: »

Maybe not, but that's an assumption too many make that turns out to be wrong. I would say that heart to hearts only 7 months in while sounding good, are not that good a sign. You should still be in the psycho love stage.
.

I am for once going to disagree here Wibbs. But perhaps its personal, i always get a twitch when someone starts talking about length of time together and relating it to, i love yous, arguments, heart to hearts etc.

Its different for different couples. So setting a timeline for when you shuld have your first argument, your first heart to heart really doesnt sit well with me

Anselm

Bit of an update –

Spoke to her today via text (I know this was a mistake)- asked her how she was, she told me that she will talk to me on Sunday but “not to be expecting anything, I am not promising you anything so don’t get your hopes up” kind of thing. She said she has told some of her friends we have “broken up” – I didn’t know we officially had – to be honest I am moving from tears to hatred – I called her “babe” in a text a few mins ago and she said that , for the time being, im not your “babe” anymore..

I don’t don’t don’t understand how she can be so cruel to me..

Wibbs

No I do agree that people differ, but in general, this stuff has a pattern. Now you can't reduce it to a formula or anything, but successful long term relationships tend to have fairly similar foundations.

As an example overly quick attachment is just one indication that something is amiss. In isolation no, but if there are other issues then it's something to keep in mind. Heart to heart chats more likely in the aftermath of arguments are something you would expect a little further down the line. Clearly the heart to hearts didn't have the effect the OP's GF was looking for. People fall in love for pretty clear reasons, even if not to them at the time. They fall out of love for pretty clear reasons too. It doesn't "just happen", even if it may look like that. Boredom is a reason. Unfulfilled promise is a reason. Meeting someone else is a reason too.

It's obviously a question of degree, but human relationships have fairly clear steps, that happen pretty much in sequence. If there's any doubt about that look at what happens if such steps are rushed or out of sequence. Way more likely that the relationship will go tits up because of that.

Mighty_Mouse wrote:

Reckon there might be a bigger issue as regards how you handle yer emotions in general.
This might work out but if it doesnt; If you fall this deep, this quick with zero skills to handle yer emotions should things go pear-shaped.............you're setting yourself up for a tough life buddy.

I have to agree with this alright.

Marksie

Anselm wrote: »

Bit of an update –

Spoke to her today via text (I know this was a mistake)- asked her how she was, she told me that she will talk to me on Sunday but “not to be expecting anything, I am not promising you anything so don’t get your hopes up” kind of thing. She said she has told some of her friends we have “broken up” – I didn’t know we officially had – to be honest I am moving from tears to hatred – I called her “babe” in a text a few mins ago and she said that , for the time being, im not your “babe” anymore..

I don’t don’t don’t understand how she can be so cruel to me..

Whoa!!
after whats being said her about leaving be.

Imagine each text as a wedge in a stick forcing it further apart.

Its a big indication she is moeving further and further away.

Plus that its a big swing in your emotional state.

When the posters said no contact, they advised it for a reason. you are seeing now why they advised it.

Take this advise its from poepel who have been through it before

tbh

Anselm wrote: »

Bit of an update –

Spoke to her today via text (I know this was a mistake)- asked her how she was, she told me that she will talk to me on Sunday but “not to be expecting anything, I am not promising you anything so don’t get your hopes up” kind of thing. She said she has told some of her friends we have “broken up” – I didn’t know we officially had – to be honest I am moving from tears to hatred – I called her “babe” in a text a few mins ago and she said that , for the time being, im not your “babe” anymore..

I don’t don’t don’t understand how she can be so cruel to me..

Ok, so what happens is you start going out with someone, you really like them, and then at some stage your feelings change. You wish you could make it work out, but you just can't. You obviously care about the person you were going out with, and you hate the fact that you are causing them pain. So, sometimes, you chicken out of being straight with them and start dropping hints, in the hope that they'll make it easier on you. They don't always do that, sometimes they said "right, feck ya so" and you move on. Sometimes, they beg for another chance, ask for specific information etc etc. And, of course, they have a right to do so. But for people who take the "chickening out" option - they get pissed off that you havn't helped. They say "who is this person to make me feel so guilty". And they get angry with you. They say cruel things that they wouldn't otherwise, and they justify it to themselves by saying "(s)he pushed me to it".

What you have to accept are that her feelings have now changed. In my experience, there is no going back - and anyway, could you trust her from now on anyway? If it helps, she liked you once, and it sounds like she's feeling guilty about hurting you. More than likely, you'll be in her position yourself one day, and you'll have to make the choices she's making now. Learn from her mistakes, and be honest with the person. In your heart of hearts, you know yourself that she's not the one. So, might as well move on now, than in six months when you are in that much deeper.

Wibbs

OK OP, it's over. Don't like saying that but the sooner you accept this the better for you. Trust me on that one.

Don't wait until Sunday to hear the "it's not you it's me", or just as likely "I've met someone else" .

STOP contacting her. You are as Marksie wrote driving wedges between you. Look at this stage all you can guarantee by your actions is to come out of this with dignity. Anything else is a bonus. Every time you contact her you are making you less attractive in her eyes. You are looking needy and weak and women are very sensitive weakness detectors. Weak+man = unattractive.

It will be hard, but control your emotions and walk away. If someone chooses to leave you and it's always a choice let them leave.

Mighty_Mouse

to be honest I am moving from tears to hatred

There's no need for hatred. The girl hasnt done anything to deserve it.
Relationships just end sometimes.

My only 2 cents here would be to try and keep yer dignity from here on it.
Don't lose the rag.

– I called her “babe” in a text a few mins ago and she said that , for the time being, im not your “babe” anymore..

You didnt listen to the sound advice that was offered here re: not contacting her.
She's asked for space, you havent given it.
Why were you using "Babe" anyways?

togster

Mighty_Mouse wrote: »

Why were you using "Babe" anyways?

Because she still is to him. Its very easy to look in from the outside and say you shouldn't have done this or that but when you are in the middle of it its very difficult to restrain yourself. @OP you HAVE to give her space. Sometimes letting her go is the only weay you might get her back....

Overheal

Oh cmon... I just went through the receiving end of this consequence yesterday... why did you not listen... oh dear.

Seriously. No more. At all. Zilch. Zip. Nada. Assume its over and cut all contact. If she wants to get a hold of you she will but IT MAY NEVER HAPPEN so get used to not contacting her.

This cant be stressed enough without physically stamping it to your face >_>

togster

What if your ex contacts you quite regularly saying they miss you blah blah blah. Should you just not answer or say to them that unless they have something substantial to say you don't want to hear from them??
Just wondering;)

Wibbs

togster wrote: »

What if your ex contacts you quite regularly saying they miss you blah blah blah. Should you just not answer or say to them that unless they have something substantial to say you don't want to hear from them??
Just wondering;)

Real simple. If they miss you as a boyfriend/girlfriend and want to try again, very little you will do or not do will stop them. If they do contact you and say they miss you, ask them if they would like to meet in a date like scenario. Dinner cinema kinda vibe. Don't mention anything romantic per se. If they say no, then you pretty much have your answer, but at least you can claim it was a misunderstanding.

Usually exes say they miss you because they're looking for moral and emotional support or they want no strings sex. The former two are usually what female exes want and the last one male. Either way you're a safety net, or being used as an easy transition until someone new takes up the slack. When that happens they won't miss you at all.

The next type of ex contacts you out of guilt. They feel bad so they'll say they miss you thinking that eases their guilt and also they think this may make you feel better. These are known as thicks(technical term).

Then there's the ex who thinks enough time has passed and you could be "friends". This may be genuine if there was enough time and both have moved on. If that's what you want and are truly over them, then that's good. If it's too soon then it's back to the dumped person being a safety net.

Now you can also have the ex that keeps in contact because down the line they think they made a rash decision dumping you, usually by jumping to somebody new, a little bit of novelty. They then may realise that the grass wasn't greener elsewhere. When the horn and shine wears off the new guy or girl, then they may start thinking back. This would be the rarer type of ex contact though.

Overheal

togster wrote: »

What if your ex contacts you quite regularly saying they miss you blah blah blah. Should you just not answer or say to them that unless they have something substantial to say you don't want to hear from them??
Just wondering;)

Depends, really. Are you the one who broke it off? Lets assume I broke it off:

I might listen: but it would not be with arms open. I'd be defensive, perhaps even to the point of hurtful in my response depending on the situation.

This is a terrible realisation for me of course and I wish I had it 48 hours sooner but life is a bitch and a half:

Think about it: If broke it off, then for some reason, I don't want to be with you. It might be for any number of reasons. Maybe I've fallen for someone else; or you no longer attract me; maybe you hurt me; etc.
If I break up with someone after that I would keep pushing them away if they tried to push a situation on me i dont want: the situation being me and you.

So you say you miss me. And? The only thing this establishes is it makes me feel very uncomfortable: On the one hand - I dont want you. On the other, I might still care a bit. In response to this the only thing that can possibly go right for you [only in your eyes, not in reality] is that I would still treat you like a friend, etc. And so as [she] takes that step back toward you, you get stringed along on the false hope it might be an indicator she still sees a future with you.

The point is: she doesnt want it. And anything you do is another reminder that shes involved in a situation she may very well want to be out of. Being friends will never work for any length of time, because time and again you will try and revive the old relationship in some shape or another and then you will keep meeting resistance.

Nobody wants to see their ex suffer OP, but showing concern can have the opposite effect: you misread her care for a chance and you persist. Been there. You keep meeting the wall of resistance until finally you're strung out and so is she. Its then and there, that she will make the kill: push you so far back away from her that it throws you for a tailspin.
Hard love, is really the best thing they can do for you in that case. You won't understand it. They'll have lied to you, cheated on you, hurt you in some way that you previously thought impossible of them. It will leave enough resentment in you to cut them out completely and you get to move on.

In the end, OP, if this girl wants to break up with you: you need to break up with her, too. Please listen to mine and others hard earned experience on this point: you can not be friends while you still have any feelings for her.

EDIT: also very good advice from Wibbs there ^

Wibbs

Overheal wrote: »

Depends, really. Are you the one who broke it off? Lets assume I broke it off:

Good points there, but I think togster is the one who was dumped and it's his ex who is comin out with the "I miss you" stuff.

Overheal

Wibbs wrote: »

Good points there, but I think togster is the one who was dumped and it's his ex who is comin out with the "I miss you" stuff.

Curses! *sigh*..... I need to get into character again.....

Well in that case:

Assuming they needed the space and came back? Sure, welcome home. Tell us what you learned about yourself. Etc.

However not many relationships work like that. More likely this person has hurt you and may think they have either made a terrible mistake, or as Wibbs said, need a rebound net. Thats something you have to weigh for yourself. In my case, [lets assume...] that I was a cheap substitute/rebound guy. I might have said yes if it was early days. Maybe you realised I was better than the hand to pick you up. Of course if its later I will get the feeling I'm a crutch to help you get back onto your pedestal, and frankly, I'm not interested.

She probably said some mean things - which at the time may seem childish and trivial - until you realise the words were true-felt. So how can you trust this person *really* wants to get back at you at all?

Tog, if thats the case its really up to yourself. Personally I think I'd rather take the high ground and tell her to live with her mistake. But again, it depends. You really need to weigh how much you trust that person though.

Talliesin

Anselm wrote: »

she called me her soul mate on xmas eve

What does that actually mean?

Anselm wrote: »

suggested moving in

Quite fast that.

That isn't necessarily a bad thing, but still, quite fast that.

Anselm wrote: »

everything going well, bar a few odd arguments, which every couple has.

Actually, that's not entirely true. There are people who have passion between them and who yet go for longer than seven months without a single argument.

Now, that's not to say that this is any sort of requisite or ideal - the opposite extreme of thinking things are doomed after a couple of arguments is much worse - but there's a difference between "which every couple has" (hence not allowing for anything better to exist in the world, and hence allowing for what you have to be perfection) and "which, after all most people do" (hence allowing that things aren't perfection but being realistic and seeing things as mostly good).[/QUOTE]

In both your description of how you feel and of how you say she has said she feels I get this very strong sense that what is being talked about is an ideal, not a reality.

Which could mean it was all just pipe-dreams and wishful thinking, but could also mean that there was something real there that didn't get to shine through because there was too much froth and frosting hiding the real meat of things selling yourselves short.

Either way, it wouldn't be very sustainable, sooner or later one of you would end up feeling confused and in need of space to short out what they felt.

Overheal

Soul Mate: someone you connect with on an incredibly high bandwidth. Your Significant Other. The one you would easily live forever. A bit of a declaration to make after 7 months to be honest. When words like love and soulmate get thrown around - especially early - it can be a little overwhelming.

The moving in I have to say, quite fast.

In fact I begin to see where she may be getting her current feelings from. This relationship sounds like its going too fast.

In that case OP its doubly important - if you still have feelings for the relationship - that you back off, distance yourself a bit, and slow down. And ffs dont ccontact her. If she wants to talk on sunday LET HER BE THE ONE TO CONTACT. Even if it takes 2 more weeks for her to get back to you, or two months, Give her that time.

More importantly give yourself that time. Dont sit by the phone/cafe/canteen/road waiting for her to show herself - go live life as you would if she didn't exist for the time being. Go visit friends: play some dungeons and dragons or something (thats what I do ). Be a half-elf. Ranger class.

LegacyUser

she seems like a bit of a bitch tbh.....no nice people would act so cold and harsh to their other half of 7 months without a real explanation....i know you "love" her but tell her where to go, she shouldnt treat you like this and if she does "love" you she'l come to her senses...........

togster

Overheal wrote: »

Tog, if thats the case its really up to yourself. Personally I think I'd rather take the high ground and tell her to live with her mistake. But again, it depends. You really need to weigh how much you trust that person though.

it was her that instigated the break up. I have never once called her or contacted her because i have known its over for a while now just never had the balls to break up with her. I have learnt that yes i am alot stronger than i give myself credit for and that somewhere out there someone will appreciate me for me. She calls me quite often (1-2 times a week) says shes confused and sad and wants to know how i feel. When i say im fine she gets angry and upset. I still adore her and want her to be OK and it hurts me when she hurts but i have to move on.

So @ OP i would say this. The trust in your relationship is broken. If you get back together the doubt regarding her feelings will always be there. You might surprise yourself and realise that you deserve or want something better and trust yourself... you are alot stronger than you think!

@Wibbs and Overheal--- thanks i just needed to see what others thought-!!

Wibbs

togster wrote: »

it was her that instigated the break up. I have never once called her or contacted her because i have known its over for a while now just never had the balls to break up with her.

Which is handy at least it didn't come out of the blue for you.

I have learnt that yes i am alot stronger than i give myself credit for and that somewhere out there someone will appreciate me for me.

Something the OP should read again and again.

She calls me quite often (1-2 times a week) says shes confused and sad and wants to know how i feel.

Which means either she is having second thoughts, she wants to see if she can still pull your strings emotionally, or she's grieving for the relationship and feels "So should you be, you bastard!!!".

When i say im fine she gets angry and upset.

Probably the last two then.

I still adore her and want her to be OK and it hurts me when she hurts but i have to move on.

Sensible take on it.

So @ OP i would say this. The trust in your relationship is broken. If you get back together the doubt regarding her feelings will always be there.

Once the trust is gone, few enough can get it back and it takes time apart in my experience. Both have to move on. If down the line they run into each other it can happen that something kicks off again, but it's a new relationship, not a continuation of the old. Other than the trust aspect, often a bigger part is if the one doing the dumping has basically lost the horn for the one getting dumped. That rarely comes back too and also requires time apart. I do know people who have ended back with exes. Successfully too, so I'm not talking about those irritating couples we all know that breakup and get back together at the drop of a hat. , but there was a big time gap and both grew and changed and moved on. It just happened that way down the line, they found themselves in the same place.

You might surprise yourself and realise that you deserve or want something better and trust yourself... you are alot stronger than you think!

Exactly. If you want to think of it like this in those times when you do get angry, the best revenge is to live well. Living well is the best therapy of all and also the most attractive either to your ex or when you do move on you may find that someone better for you comes along. After all you have the singular advantage that this has happened before for you. You did find someone better, so what's the next love going to be like?

Anselm

thanks for the views, I have found it very helpful..

Still a bit all over the place, not really eating, work is going a bit off- but im sure ill get back on track. I still dont know what to do, although I have resolved for sure to make no contact until she contacts me.

Spent all night writing and thinking about this, the one thing that hurts me most is how cold she has been about it all, and the fact that she can give me a card on xmas eve with the most romantic and loving stuff in it, made me cry almost, and then three weeks later - its come to this - it just hurts so much, I can almost physically feel a pain in my heart.

I have been through a break up before, not good memories, and really dont want to revisit it...I just cry every time I think that I will never kiss, hug, talk to, or touch her face again..its so bloody hard and painful..

togster

Anselm wrote: »

most is how cold she has been about it all

It could be her way of de-sensitizing herself to the impending break-up. My ex was cold too and hurtful but it was her way of dealing. I understand that now. So keep busy OP. Its the only way to keep your mind occupied.

zervi2003

You know you really need to take good physical care of yourself right now.

Eating and getting sleep are one of the most important things right now.

You've got to see this as something that is out of your control now. There is nothing you can do. Im afraid if she does take the decision to finish it for good, there is nothing that you can do either. You'll come around, we all do! Remember there are lots and lots of people out there who have been in situations like this and have gotton through it.

Anselm

I know that someday I will be over this, right now I just feel like sobbing, I am finding it very hard to keep from crying in the middle of work..I just want to hug someone and let it all out..

Balmed Out

Anyone whos feelings are so fleeting isnt worth moaning over, forget about her. If I were u i wouldnt take her back if she wanted to. You dodged a bullet, go out and celebrate.

Marksie

Then go home/ go somewhere quiet and start yelling and shouting it all out.

It is NOT the end of the world but its a life lesson to be learned. Under no circumstances contact her, let her know how you are feeling now. Just let her go and concentrate on yourself.

dellas1979

Usually there is a more signigicant reason for someone reacting badly to a break-up. Were you very dependant on her? You have said that she was your sun, moon and stars? Have you many friends/good friends/family members you can talk to/rely on?

Give yourself a chance. Someday you will feel better. Right now you need to clear your head and rid yourself of this anxiousness. From experience, id say the best thing to do would be suck it up, brush it off and stick 2 fingers up to her and the world and say "i might be sad right now, but Im ok".

Overheal

Anselm wrote: »

thanks for the views, I have found it very helpful..

Still a bit all over the place, not really eating, work is going a bit off- but im sure ill get back on track. I still dont know what to do, although I have resolved for sure to make no contact until she contacts me.

Spent all night writing and thinking about this, the one thing that hurts me most is how cold she has been about it all, and the fact that she can give me a card on xmas eve with the most romantic and loving stuff in it, made me cry almost, and then three weeks later - its come to this - it just hurts so much, I can almost physically feel a pain in my heart.

I have been through a break up before, not good memories, and really dont want to revisit it...I just cry every time I think that I will never kiss, hug, talk to, or touch her face again..its so bloody hard and painful..

Try your best not to over-analyze the situation. Its all going to seem far too confusing to you: if you spend all your brain-cycles trying to make sense of something you don't have all the pieces of you'll never finish. Which is why the other aspects of your life are slipping. Get your mind off of it. If you need to fall back on a book, or a video game, then do so.

Another thing is: all that writing you've been doing? Stow it; Lock it; Encrypt it; Delete it; Bin it; whatever. The last thing you should do is show it to her. Even if she comes back, its not something she needs to read, no matter how much you think she does.

It is really hard to forget the good times. The intimacy; the closeness. But, you have to. You have to dive back and remember a time in your life when you were single and happy: because you can't think about this.

and if you must hug something make it a pillow...

Anselm

I got a message from her last night, she is away at her family home, and is back on Sunday. Asked how I was, I told her I have said everything I can, poured my heart out, and need to know how she feels. She said she is "ready to talk more or less" and will call me on Sunday.
I cant take this. I feel like I am going to throw up 24/7 - its like a stay of execution. I know by her messages its not good news (no I miss you, I love you, things will be OK, no X at the end...)
I gave her a cross and a necklace for christmas that she said she would wear forever - If I see her without it on, I just dont think I could take it.
I dont even want to see her if its bad news, I dont think I could handle looking at her in the eye and hearing those words..
thanks to everyone for advice so far - I just want it to get better.

Marksie

Anselm wrote: »

I got a message from her last night, she is away at her family home, and is back on Sunday. Asked how I was, I told her I have said everything I can, poured my heart out, and need to know how she feels. She said she is "ready to talk more or less" and will call me on Sunday.
I cant take this. I feel like I am going to throw up 24/7 - its like a stay of execution. I know by her messages its not good news (no I miss you, I love you, things will be OK, no X at the end...)
I gave her a cross and a necklace for christmas that she said she would wear forever - If I see her without it on, I just dont think I could take it.
I dont even want to see her if its bad news, I dont think I could handle looking at her in the eye and hearing those words..
thanks to everyone for advice so far - I just want it to get better.

This is torturing yourself.

Take a tougher line and stop putting yourself through this.
You know what she is going to say on sunday.
She is by now well aware of how you are feleing and what a state you are in.
Why prolong it?

You say its a stay of execution. But tbh at this point, if i was in front of the firing squad I would have shouted fire already.

No matter how bad you think you will feel, you will feel worse on sunday. Time to say cut contact.


How you phrase it is up to you. But toughen up!!!!!! Re read what WIBBS has said in particular about how women react to texts and pleas and cajoling and heart pourings.

The cross and chain comment is childish in the extreme and either consciously or subconsciously desgined to hurt.

Of course "she is ready to talk"..now..but wait its not now its sunday... another4 days for you to stew and worry and get upset.

I am going to be harsh here, which is unlike me. But I would respond with something along the lines of: "I am glad you are ready to talk. You left it too late though, you have nothing i want to listen to. As for the cross and chain, wear it not wear it. Its up to you. Goodbye"
At the moment she has you dangling, wrest some of your self esteem back

Anselm

Do you think it might be better to just wait until she phones me on Sunday (she is not in Ireland now, will be on Sunday) and do it all over the phone ? I think this might be easier than doing it face to face if the inevitable (?) happens....

Balmed Out

This girl is completly taking the piss, id ring her up and tell her you dont want to be with someone whod treat someone like this or if u cant say that then demand to know now as some of your friends are going out tonight and u want to know if your single or not. As for the x mas present get over it, if u have to say anything tell her if she doesnt want it anymore to send it back to you as you still have the receipt.

Marksie

Anselm wrote: »

Do you think it might be better to just wait until she phones me on Sunday (she is not in Ireland now, will be on Sunday) and do it all over the phone ? I think this might be easier than doing it face to face if the inevitable (?) happens....

I dont think it will make one iota of difference how you do it. But phone and face may make you emotional.

She is sending you these messages which are fcuking you up. If text or email is the only way you can contact her immediately send it that way.

Normally i would talk or have face to face, but this has gone beyond that stage now i think. Best to keep it simple, brief and direct.... and dont keep checking your phone every 5 minutes to see if she replies.

Distance yourself and get some perspective.

From what you are saying this is screwing everything up in your life. You need to stop this constant masochistic behaviour.

Wrest the control from her and put it back in your own hands