Boyfriend and Lapdancing Clubs

LegacyUser

Myself and the boyfriend of 3.5 years (both in our mid to late 20s) were having a bit of a “discussion” last night regarding strip clubs. In the middle of it the boyfriend decided to tell me that within the last year he has been to a strip club 3 times and has paid for lap dances. We have been living together for the last year and a half so this little revelation has come as quite a surprise to me. If he was out on an evening with his mates I always ask him how he got on, was there any craic etc. He has never once mentioned this so I am quite put out to say the least.

I wouldn’t consider myself a prude at all and although I don’t really agree with strip clubs I wouldn’t mind him going with his mates for a bit of a laugh. The thing that really gets me though is that he has paid for some girl to gyrate around him in a thong and there is no way on earth he is thinking of anything other than what he’d like to do with her.

This has not only left me feeling quite inadequate and ever so slightly cheated on but has also lead me to question his trustworthiness as he lied to me about where he was/what he was doing on the nights in question.

What I’m really looking for here is any advice from ladies who may have dealt with the same situation or something from a lads point of view, does getting lap dances from strangers mean that respect has been lost in a relationship?

Any advice will be much appreciated.

dellas1979

Cant blame you for not trusting him now. What an ejit.

Have you told him how you feel?

neuro-praxis

A lot of people are going to tell you that lap-dances are grand and it's not cheating etc. etc. etc. You might even be hoping they tell you it's fine.

Fact is, it's not fine. Your boyfriend has been secretly paying another woman for sexual services (which is exactly what this is) and in my opinion this is not the behaviour of a mature adult.

I would not tolerate this behaviour from my husband** and frankly I couldn't give a crap if that's unfashionable or uncool: decent men would want better for those women and would also respect their partners enough to at least ask their opinion on the subject before they go off to pay a random women to dance her breasts, backside and vagina in his face alone in a small dark room so that he can go **** in the bathroom afterwards.

**I should point out here that I haven't had to lay down the law on this: my husband has no interest in this kind of thing (he really likes and respects women), but if it was something he really wanted, that would be a signal for me that he wasn't the right partner for me.

ntlbell

it's a bit of crack?

do you think he would mind if you went to see the "celtic nights" and watched a load of well built finglas guys squirting oil over themselves?

not at all.....

If you guy going to a lap dancing club is a deal breaker for you, you're going to be a lonely woman

justsomebloke

GFNeedsAdvice wrote: »

The thing that really gets me though is that he has paid for some girl to gyrate around him in a thong and there is no way on earth he is thinking of anything other than what he’d like to do with her.

Truthfully chances are that he also thinks this way about alot more women then just the person he paid for the lap dance. Most males look at a look of women and think "what wouldn't I do with her" but to be truthful it is just window shopping, and really nothing to be worried about. Chances are the reason he didn't tell you before is that he was you would react, well react like this, which you have.

Jumpy

You cant actually do anything, most likely he is thinking what he is going to do to you when he gets home, that and his mates would be egging him on.
The only thing that would be a bit of a problem is if he was going on his own.

neuro-praxis

ntlbell wrote: »

If you guy going to a lap dancing club is a deal breaker for you, you're going to be a lonely woman

I'd rather be single

ntlbell

neuro-praxis wrote: »

A

**I should point out here that I haven't had to lay down the law on this: my husband has no interest in this kind of thing (he really likes and respects women), but if it was something he really wanted, that would be a signal for me that he wasn't the right partner for me.

I should point out if I asked the question of 5000 women who pass on grafton st today they probably think of their husbands in the same light.

It's fairly close to "my son would never do something like that"

It's rediclous, to think your husband doesn't have lustful thoughts outside of your marriage and would never under any circumstances go to a lap dancing club with a few friends from work or whatever is right up there with some of the silliest things I've heard a woman come out with.

Unless you married some sterile monk

ntlbell

neuro-praxis wrote: »

I'd rather be single

Or you could be married and dilussional...whatever helps you get by

LegacyUser

Thanks for the reply dellas, I haven’t told him how I feel in so many words although he knew that I was very annoyed about it. I wanted to sleep on it to see how I feel today and to find out from the good people of boards if I may be over reacting.

I’ve never had to deal with anything like this before and its sort of not something I want to discuss with anyone until I can get it straight in my own head.

@ neuro - thanks for that, it’s hard hitting and to the point but I think that’s really what I need to hear.

neuro-praxis

ntlbell:

I have no illusions about my husband fancying other women, I fancy other men; but we are both secure and faithful and can have a chuckle about it together.

However to imagine that all men live the way you do is simply delusional. You're just parroting the social norms of your peer group and assume everyone does the same. Your own lack of integrity does not mean that other men cannot be trusted. Pulling the "all men are the same" card is a load of bull

OP: Go with your gut

biko

GFNeedsAdvice wrote: »

This has not only left me feeling quite inadequate and ever so slightly cheated on but has also lead me to question his trustworthiness as he lied to me about where he was/what he was doing on the nights in question.

He didn't lie in my opinion. As you yourself said "He has never once mentioned this so I am quite put out to say the least."
He probably knew you wouldn't approve and so just kept it to himself. Or did he say he was somewhere else?

I haven't had a lapdance ever but might one day. It's like porn, you look but don't touch. It does NOT mean he is cheating on you or that you are inadequate - I would be willing to bet Brad Pitt watches porn/strippers, and he gets to have sex with Angelina Jolie!
He'd probably be ok with you going to see male strippers, maybe you should ask?

ntlbell

GFNeedsAdvice wrote: »

Thanks for the reply dellas, I haven’t told him how I feel in so many words although he knew that I was very annoyed about it. I wanted to sleep on it to see how I feel today and to find out from the good people of boards if I may be over reacting.

I’ve never had to deal with anything like this before and its sort of not something I want to discuss with anyone until I can get it straight in my own head.

@ neuro - thanks for that, it’s hard hitting and to the point but I think that’s really what I need to hear.

Ah so you only wanted to hear from people who agree with you.

I like your style.

look up prude

Jumpy

@ neuro - thanks for that, it’s hard hitting and to the point but I think that’s really what I need to hear.

No, its what you want to hear. You have taken the advice that closely associates with what you feel. It doesnt mean it is right.
Take multiple points of view, ask him if he would care about you going to the Chippendales or the like? Would you be happy if he restricted you from doing so?

LegacyUser

ntlbell wrote: »

it's a bit of crack?

do you think he would mind if you went to see the "celtic nights" and watched a load of well built finglas guys squirting oil over themselves?

not at all.....

If you guy going to a lap dancing club is a deal breaker for you, you're going to be a lonely woman

I'm not really worried about him going to the actual strip club, i have been to male strip clubs with the girls and it been very harmless.

Its the having a lap dance thats really getting to me. I just don't like the thought of him paying for a woman to strip off to her undies for him.

Rosita

In fairness to him I think his "deception" in not mentioning these things at the time was probably a case of doing the "wrong" thing for the right reasons.

For him it was probably no big deal but he may have felt that you might be upset. He could have continued to keep it concealed and not mentioned it to you at all. I wonder why he chose to come clean on the matter? Maybe he actually wants to tell you and felt that you might be receptive to hearing it when the subject was up for discussion anyway. I am interested to know if you are now happy he told you or is it a case where ignorance would be bliss?

The only advice I can give is that many girls underestimate the capacity of men to compartmentalise. Yes, they may admire the girl at the time but I doubt if they could accurately describe her twelve hours later and would scarcely remember it. In contrast women are more emotional and tend to invest more psychological energy in things. It is this distinction that make it difficult to deal with as you are not programmed to think like him.

For what it is worth he could have gotten up to a lot worse than that though strip clubs are certainly by any rational definition offering sexual services. The only difference between this and what is considered prostitution is one of degree in my view. A naked girl gyrating all over a guy's lap is hardly anything other thn sexual and in that sense I can understand the feeling of infidelity. But men don't see things in that way.

In order to express you feeling of unfaithfulness, you might ask him to explain why if he thinks it is okay to go into a strip club and pay a naked girl to gyrate all over him why he would not pay a girl to come to his house and do the same thing? Both are "just a bit of a laugh" surely? There is no real distinction when it boils down to it but for men there is probably all the distinction in the world.

Ludricous replies such as "would he mind you going to a strip club" (there's a hell of a chance he would mind) miss the point. Doing a "wrong" in your view, cannot be not mitigated by him giving the no-brainer "of course not" answer to such a question at this time.

Ultimately there is no right and wrong answers to this one, only opinions and they are very easy to chuck out when one is not in your situation. It is a matter for yourself to mentally process.

ntlbell

neuro-praxis wrote: »

ntlbell:

I have no illusions about my husband fancying other women, I fancy other men; but we are both secure and faithful and can have a chuckle about it together.

However to imagine that all men live the way you do is simply delusional. You're just parroting the social norms of your peer group and assume everyone does the same. Your own lack of integrity does not mean that other men cannot be trusted. Pulling the "all men are the same" card is a load of bull

OP: Go with your gut

Live the way I do? How do I live? what do you know of me?

What do you know of my peer group?

How have I demonstrated a lack of integrity?

Who mentioned trust?

Raytown Rocks

I have gone lapdancing with my mates when in the UK.
My wife has gone lapdancing with her mates when in the UK.

Its a bit of craic (pun intended), nothing more, nothing less.
Its not cheating in my opinion, its purely a bit of fun.

Your issue I feel is more with he fact he didnt tell you when he went originally.

My 2cents anyways.

Chef

Rosita

biko wrote: »

He didn't lie in my opinion.

When you have to rely on semantic contortionsim it is difficult to sustain a serious argument that he didn't lie.

A withheld truth is to all intents and purposes the same as a lie.

Whether this truth might have been better remaining withheld for all that can be done about it is of course another matter.

nickyjellybaby

I really empathise with you on this one, it is a tricky scenario to be in

i don't want to burst your bubble but there is no way he paid for a girl to gyrate in a thong, it'll be totally and unashamedly naked so thats the first to note.

I worked in a strip club in Melbourne, (as a bartender only!) for about 3 weeks. There was a very diverse crowd. You had the 'lads lads' who are in there for the craic and each guy egging each other on. There is no touching allowed and is more or less live porn. You had the married man who would come in on his own for his own gratification, in a sex-less relationship or it simply becomes his routine. There are also regulars who have a specific girl they see on a regular basis and have a psuedo relationship with. Some girls are called by a specific name chosen by these men and sometimes the client requests her to wear something specific too, sometimes they don't even want a dance just to chat and buy them drinks
You also have those that can't create relationships with women for whatever reason including really shy guys, disabled guys, bi sexuals/lesbians, guys recently out of a relationship etc.


Anyway, personally I don't regard it as cheating but I would have a big problem with him not mentioning it before now though

In their head they cheat on you with hundreds of women and theres nothing you can do about that

LegacyUser

ntlbell wrote: »

Ah so you only wanted to hear from people who agree with you.

I like your style.

look up prude

You are very stong in your opposition to this woman, what's up with you bell? She's not a prude, she's a person who knows where she sits with stuff. Your previous points about a bit of harmless anjoyment of the opposite sex are very ignorant to how the opposite sex feel about this. There clearly is a marked difference between guys going to lap dancing clubs and women going to Chippendale shows. There have been scientific studies on the physical reactions done, and truth is that most women do not get personal sexual pleasure or gratification from watching these men, it's a social bonding experience and a giggle with their girlfirneds. Not so for men, it's about sexual gratification, some men are addicted to it, and it leaves women who aretheir partners feeling degraded, unloveable, unattractive, and unworthy of their attention. These women are not prudes either. They're just women who expect more form a partner than to go out and acton their whims, their pursuit of a bit of fun as you insinuate. We all have urges, what makes us different from dogs and monkeys is we all have a conscious ability to not do, or to do, but to be honest about it in the process. She's not a prude, and I think your vies are very shallow and somewhat insensitive to women.

nickyjellybaby

ntlbell wrote: »

do you think he would mind if you went to see the "celtic nights" and watched a load of well built finglas guys squirting oil over themselves?

QUOTE]

Sorry but women are there for a bit of fun, hence why there is little or no industry for male strip clubs and porn sites aimed at women.
Sex and gratification is different for women and men and should not be compared

ntlbell

nickyjellybaby wrote: »

I

i don't want to burst your bubble but there is no way he paid for a girl to gyrate in a thong, it'll be totally and unashamedly naked so thats the first to note.


Anyway, personally I don't regard it as cheating but I would have a big problem with him not mentioning it before now though

In their head they cheat on you with hundreds of women and theres nothing you can do about that

Dancing in a thong or not is nonsense we have no idea what she was wearing.

Why would you have a problem with him not mentioning it? should he detail every move he makes every time he's out? maybe she never asked?

ntlbell

nickyjellybaby wrote: »

ntlbell wrote: »

do you think he would mind if you went to see the "celtic nights" and watched a load of well built finglas guys squirting oil over themselves?

QUOTE]

Sorry but women are there for a bit of fun, hence why there is little or no industry for male strip clubs and porn sites aimed at women.
Sex and gratification is different for women and men and should not be compared

whats your point?

Women can go and look at half naked men dancing and it's a "fun"

and men who go to see women are all dirty cheating perverts?

ok.

next..

Beruthiel

GFNeedsAdvice wrote: »

If he was out on an evening with his mates I always ask him how he got on, was there any craic etc. He has never once mentioned this so I am quite put out to say the least.

The fact that he went to one and did not tell you means he knew you would not like it.
If he knew you would not like it and yet he still went, then he disrespected your view on lapdances.
I personally would not be impressed if my bloke went and got one.

Mr. Incognito

Sheesh.

The women here seem to have the pickforks out fairly quickly. I think the reason women get so upset my lap-clubs can be feelings of inadeqeucy. (Did he prefer her?! Was he more attracted?)
Men see these women as objects- sad but true and that's what porn and lap-clubs do. They satisfy a bisc carnal urge. He LOVES you. That's a different story. Whilst women see strippers as fellow women and human beings with emotions and feelings, the average jack doesn't give it a second thought. So come off the high horse and give him a break. At least he was honest enough to tell you and after this reaction I'd be surprised if next time he doesn't keep his mouth shut. Also- I don't know any fully naked strip-clubs in Dublin? Usually underwear is kept on.

Rosita

nickyjellybaby wrote: »

Anyway, personally I don't regard it as cheating but I would have a big problem with him not mentioning it before now though

If it is not cheating why would you have a problem with him not mentioning it? Surely it's then in the 'nothing to declare' channel? "I didn't cheat last night" is hardly big news.

Again if it not cheating, would you consider him going back to the apartment of a random girl he met in a pub and her doing the same thing for him as cheating? Would you see a difference and if so why?

ntlbell

Beruthiel wrote: »

The fact that he went to one and did not tell you means he knew you would not like it.
If he knew you would not like it and yet he still went, then he disrespected your view on lapdances.
I personally would not be impressed if my bloke went and got one.

She may not like him going away on a stags, does that mean he should stay home and be a good boy because she doesn't like it?

nonsense.

bill_ashmount

There's not one man I know who hasn't been lap-dancing (No exaggeration, i'm struggling to think of someone who hasn't) It ain't that big of a deal. I've been a few times, to be honest I find it kind of boring.

ntlbell

bill_ashmount wrote: »

There's not one man I know who hasn't been lap-dancing (No exaggeration, i'm struggling to think of someone who hasn't) It ain't that big of a deal. I've been a few times, to be honest I find it kind of boring.

now now bill don't be washing these streets with the habbits of your peer group because that group of people are the only people who go lap dancing and they're just influencing your judgment.

in fact it's your peer group that has kept all the lap dancing clubs open.

shame on you and them!

spinandscribble

i'd be the same, i wouldnt mind my bf going on a boys night out to a strip club as an experience but actually paying a girl to push up close to you?

i know plenty of men who would have a issue with their gfs getting that from a male stripper but use the "we're men" excuse for themselves.

whoever said her bf was staring at this girl pushing her self around him, staring at him and HE was thinking of the OP and what to do to her... well... i fail to see your logic.

some men would never actually go to places like that. if i was the op i wouldnt mind the visit once or twice but the paying for a dance 5 times isnt about experience and seeing whats it like, its becoming a habit and something else.

it doesnt even matter what each of us in our opinion would care for the ops bf doing because he should care for what she thinks. clearly he knows it would bother her and thats what he hadnt told her til now when the topic came up and knew it was the time to say what he had done in his experience.

i dont think neuro-praxis is lying to herself. some men just aren't attracted to women that use their bodies to make money. i've had discussions with men that find it disgusting ect and others who love the idea. its alittle silly to assume all men think one way and not to just accept some men dont like stripclubs. like some women would like male strippers and some wouldnt.

the op needs to let her bf knows how she feels and then see. maybe he will change things or not care but theres little advice she needs until then.

neuro-praxis

ntlbell wrote: »

Live the way I do? How do I live? what do you know of me?

ntlbell, you will notice upon careful re-reading that I didn't pass any comment on how you live; only that you assume that other men live as you do.
Case in point:

It's rediclous, to think your husband doesn't have lustful thoughts outside of your marriage and would never under any circumstances go to a lap dancing club with a few friends from work or whatever is right up there with some of the silliest things I've heard a woman come out with.

Try reading what is written.

ntlbell wrote: »

What do you know of my peer group?

Do you know what a peer group is? It's not your three best mates and you down the pub. It's your social grouping. And your peer group is almost certainly young, male and predominatantly Irish. Being young, female and Irish I am quite familiar with your peer group.

ntlbell wrote: »

How have I demonstrated a lack of integrity?

Integrity could be described, ntlbell, as a reliable, trustworthy moral soundness or perhaps as an earnest adherence to an ethical code. Perhaps you think lapdancing is a morally right, good and positive thing, in which case I suggest you argue your case for that, instead of arguing with me.

In this post you have called the OP a prude and cheered her bf on for lying and having a naked woman use her body to arouse him in a private place. Maybe that's how you live, or if not, how you aspire to live based on your support of the OP's boyfriend (who according to you is just like every other man). Great. But it lacks integrity. You've also suggested that women are stupid, as the 5000 women on Grafton Street that you know so well would allegedly tell you that their partner dislikes seedy stripclubs etc. Thanks for that!

ntlbell wrote: »

Who mentioned trust

You did.

Or you could be married and dilussional...whatever helps you get by

To suggest that I am delusional is actually a slur on my husband's character, not on mine (again you are simply suggesting that I am stupid). If I am delusional about my husband then obviously he can't be trusted. Just like you and all other men, as you say, and women should just get used to it!

What a pile of complete crap. I won't be bothering to reply any more to this so you can pm me if you want to continue the argument.

OP: I told you. Right now it is very uncool to dislike the sexualisation of our culture, which ironically, undermines the value and awesomeness of sex instead of elevating it to giddy heights. Whenever you suggest that such behaviour is wrong people come down on you hard but I just don't care. In my opinion, it ain't right - I wouldn't want that life for any one of the girls and women I love so much.

Marksie

Ntlbell: You have made you point. This is not going to fall into a flame war because of you.
That is a warning.

nickyjellybaby

ntlbell wrote: »

nickyjellybaby wrote: »

whats your point?

Women can go and look at half naked men dancing and it's a "fun"

and men who go to see women are all dirty cheating perverts?

ok.

next..

no thats not what I meant. Strip clubs aimed at women and at men are totally different
Of course men can go and look at a strip show for fun too, isn't that what I said about the 'lads lads' there egging each other on??

There are No Private Dance areas for a men to put their tackle in a womans face unlike in female strip clubs.
Female strippers actually pay the club to dance there, they make their money on 'private dances' thats how lucrative that part of the strip club is. These girls earn serious bucks and its all done privately in small booths or curtained off areas

Iago

what I've realised about this topic is that you'll never change anyone's point of view on it.

Some feel it's fine, some feel it's bang out of order.

So OP, my suggestion is have a think about what the relationship is worth to you, have a think about what you are and aren't willing to accept in that relationship and make a decision from there. In my experience and from my circle of friends, going to a lapdancing club is something that may happen on an occasional or exceptional occasion, and while it's good to window shop nothing sexual has ever taken place. It's light hearted fun and means nothing in the greater scheme of things.

of course, the only opinion that matters is yours. So figure out whether you're secure enough in yourself and your relationship that this isn't an issue, or if it is an issue that raise it and see what your partner thinks. This may mean that the relationship ends, or it might mean that you get an agreement that he won't go anymore.

editing below here:

Having read some responses I need to clear up some things

1. There is little or no naked dancing in stripclubs in Dublin, certainly the main clubs don't permit it. The clubs that were blatant about permitting it have been closed down.

2. There are no sexual favours on offer in any of the main strip clubs in Dublin, even a hint of such an offer leads to explusion from the club and the sacking of the girl in question.

3. Girls working in the main strip clubs in Dublin do not pay the club to work there. They are paid on the basis of private dances and drinks bought at the club. If there are no dances or no drinks bought then there is no money given to the club.

4. There is a healthy and lucrative porn and erotica market aimed at women globally

* when I say main clubs I mean the most popular 8-10.

ntlbell

spinandscribble wrote: »

i'd be the same, i wouldnt mind my bf going on a boys night out to a strip club as an experience but actually paying a girl to push up close to you?

LOL

You don't mind your bf going to a strip club where he watches naked women dancing, and his drinks and cover fee's are going towards the wages. but if he pays a bit more to have it a few feet closer it's wrong

so for you it's a distance thing, so what is the safe distance that you allow your bf to be from a naked woman before you get angry LOLOLOL

AH, boards does breed em.

faceman

i think the issue here is that he kept it from you and didnt discuss it with you. i think for most of us guys who go in relationships etc, its generally for an event or a birthday. There is about as much ill intention in it as a bunch of girls going to see male strippers. If a guy is going to really cheat on a girl, then he is going to cheat. Ironically the one place he wont be getting the leg over is in a strip club.

You need to make it clear to your bf how uncomfortable you are with him going to strip clubs and get him to tell you about times he went etc.

My other half doesnt like me to go there either and i dont. However she also understands that if im on a stag with 10 blokes, i aint gonna be the plonker waiting for them outside on me own! However i wouldnt be interested in getting a dance (even if i was single) anyway.

ntlbell

Marksie wrote: »

Ntlbell: You have made you point. This is not going to fall into a flame war because of you.
That is a warning.

ok

nickyjellybaby

ntlbell wrote: »

Dancing in a thong or not is nonsense we have no idea what she was wearing.

Why would you have a problem with him not mentioning it? should he detail every move he makes every time he's out? maybe she never asked?

Twice GF needs advice mentioned that her boyf had a dance 'down to her undies' or dancing in a thong. That is what these girls wear in the clubs, in a private show its all off- fact. Ntlbell I know what I'm talking about

The point being, he's lying about the thong issue...

biko

Rosita wrote: »

A withheld truth is to all intents and purposes the same as a lie.

I'm happy to hear you share everything that happens with you partner.
I, for one, do not share everything - particularly things as "I was flirting with Sarah at the office party" because it is not relevant to our relationship. I am not interested in Sarah and I know mentioning it would only cause grief.

faceman

nickyjellybaby wrote: »

Twice GF needs advice mentioned that her boyf had a dance 'down to her undies' or dancing in a thong. That is what these girls wear in the clubs, in a private show its all off- fact. Ntlbell I know what I'm talking about

The point being, he's lying about the thong issue...

Whether she has knickers on or not is irrelevant really.

SheroN

It's not like he banged a hooker.I see very little difference between getting a lapdance and watching porn. Both are spectator sports.

ntlbell

neuro-praxis wrote: »

Do you know what a peer group is? It's not your three best mates and you down the pub. It's your social grouping. And your peer group is almost certainly young, male and predominatantly Irish. Being young, female and Irish I am quite familiar with your peer group.
[/quote/

You don't know what age I am. or nationality etc? so well done on being you female and Irish.

neuro-praxis wrote: »

Integrity could be described, ntlbell, as a reliable, trustworthy moral soundness or perhaps as an earnest adherence to an ethical code. Perhaps you think lapdancing is a morally right, good and positive thing, in which case I suggest you argue your case for that, instead of arguing with me.

Describe it anyway you like I haven't said anything to bring my integrity into question.

neuro-praxis wrote: »

In this post you have called the OP a prude and cheered her bf on for lying and having a naked woman use her body to arouse him in a private place. Maybe that's how you live, or if not, how you aspire to live based on your support of the OP's boyfriend (who according to you is just like every other man). Great. But it lacks integrity. You've also suggested that women are stupid, as the 5000 women on Grafton Street that you know so well would allegedly tell you that their partner dislikes seedy stripclubs etc. Thanks for that!

She stated she wasn't a prude i asked her to look the word up.
I never said women are stupid.


The rest is nonsense.

Caveat

Well I've never been and I don't know anyone who has - well I know of them but don't know them as they aren't friends.

At the risk of offending other lap dance afficionados, I think the whole thing is pretty pathetic - both for the women involved and for the punters.

I would have no interest as I would regard it as simply sleazy not to mention pointless - i.e. having your cake and not eating it.

I'm not prudish at all - e.g. enjoying porn togther I would regard as harmless and enhancing.

To the OP, 2 points:

The type of guy who goes to these places, for me, usually turns out to be the kind of person that I don't generally like anyway. In my experience they are emotionally immature, weak and untrustworthy.

If your guy genuinely didn't think it was a big deal then why didn't he tell you about it?

spinandscribble

ntlbell wrote: »

LOL

You don't mind your bf going to a strip club where he watches naked women dancing, and his drinks and cover fee's are going towards the wages. but if he pays a bit more to have it a few feet closer it's wrong

so for you it's a distance thing, so what is the safe distance that you allow your bf to be from a naked woman before you get angry LOLOLOL

AH, boards does breed em.

ah belly boy...

its the act of specify paying one girl to dance exclusively for him and besides that its one on one. i only stressed my objection to the lapdance as thats the way the op feels.

just because i have my opinion and you have your's does not mean the op needs to follow anyone elses way, shes allowed to have her own boundaries and this thread isnt about anyone putting their beliefs on her and calling her a prude. she needs to talk to her bf and she's only recieve abuse from men who need lapdances in their life on this board or cant accept this is upsetting her and theres nothing she can do about that.

faceman

Caveat wrote: »

Well I've never been and I don't know anyone who has - well I know of them but don't know them as they aren't friends.

The type of guy who goes to these places, for me, usually turns out to be the kind of person that I don't generally like anyway. In my experience they are emotionally immature, weak and untrustworthy.

considering you dont know anyone personally who has ever visited one, how do you know they are emotionally immature, weak and untrustworthy? :rolleyes:

Marksie

NtlBell: I cannot believe you just did that. You acknowledged my post then went ahead anyways.

this is far from the first time you have ben banned
So Banned 1 month

Kurumba

ntlbell wrote: »

She may not like him going away on a stags, does that mean he should stay home and be a good boy because she doesn't like it?

nonsense.

The OP never said a word about 'not liking him going away on stags'. Going away on a stags and having a lapdance (3 times i think the OP said) are two totally different things. You come across like you are looking for an argument to be honest. Don't put words in the OP's mouth.

Lux23

Personally I would be more angry about my boyfriend telling me he goes to these clubs. I wonder why all of a sudden he has felt the need to tell me. As long as he was as he was going to these places as a laugh with friends I wouldn't want to know, its like porn its his business and has nothing to do with me.

Jack B. Badd

Lux23 wrote: »

I wonder why all of a sudden he has felt the need to tell me.

If he has waited this long to tell her my guess is that he wants validation for some reason... Maybe he's feeling guilty and wants to spread the guilt around a bit.

paul_ire57

Hi , its an awkward situation to be in and theres so much that could be discussed about this. I suppose ill make a couple of points to consider.

1. You mention that you wouldnt mind him going to the clubs with his mates for a laugh. If thats the case, what has you so put out, as its pretty unlikely fellas go there without the idea of actually not getting a dance which im sure you would be taking into account, when telling him its ok to go with his mates.

2. If you caught him looking at porn on the internet would you be equally as peeved? I would consider a lap dancing club as live porn really. Another case of look but dont touch which satisfies our little heads need for arousal.

If you have been together for 3.5 years what makes you doubt his love and affection for you after this incident. Do you feel it could become a bone of contention between you? I definitely understand what you say about the trustworthiness point and it would have been better to have openly told you about it, but perhaps he was worried about your stance on it and your recent conversation gave him enough information about your feelings about it, that if he came clean you would understand where he was coming from and that you could both move beyond it.

Anyway theres a few things that i can think of.

Best of luck with it

Paul