friends - grown apart?

greenteaicedtea

I am not a night person, I don't like staying out late. I work half the time till 10pm, and I don't feel like going out afterwards. I can't be on the go all weekend every weekend, I like to have a bit of time to myself just to recharge.

I have this friend who calls me a lot, she seems to want to do something almost every weekend, and I'd be just as happy seeing her every couple of months. She doesn't wait for me to return her call, she just calls again and again. I'd like to get her to stop calling, I let the machine take it but I feel bad but at the same time I don't want to talk to her every time she calls.

She and her friend are a bit dysfunctional, what's more is they are both unwilling to change, and one time they asked me to mediate and neither one listened to my advice. Also she is not as computer-savvy as I am - it would be nice to stay caught up via texts and MSN, but she doesn't really like these things, she prefers the phone. It's hard for me to be her friend when I disagree with a lot of what she prefers.

How do I scale back this friendship, without hurting her feelings? I've felt this way for about a year now, I have to do something. I'm not her only friend, she has a few other people that she spends time with.

pow wow

Do you tell her a flat out no or a 'oh I would but I'm xyz' which makes her think that something other than her is a problem? Most people would have gotten the hint by now I think, unless she thinks it's not her that's the problem but rather her timing.

I have friends like you who I don't talk to all that often, I just assume they can't be ar$ed with me. I don't chase them. Clearly she hasn't come to that realisation yet.

greenteaicedtea

Weekend before last, I did email her back to tell her I was busy. I don't tell her "no" because I don't want to be mean. Like you say, she hasn't gotten the hint yet.

I don't chase my other friends, I assume if I don't get a call back that there is a good reason. Whether it's they're too busy, or whether they prefer to deal with me in smaller doses, I don't really want to know the specifics, lol.

I don't know how to start talking with her frankly about this. Maybe I should tell her "you know what, I can't call you back as often because of [work late, busy with family] maybe don't call as often, I feel bad when your messages pile up and I can't return them"?

I think she's just bent on filling up her schedule, and doesn't notice how she appears to others, and she doesn't seem to care how others percieve her, which makes it more difficult for me to figure out how to handle this.

I have another friend who plans a lot of things and invites others along, but she is more pleasant.

pow wow

I think if you're a bit more blunt with her she'll get it. If she asks you out just say you don't fancy it, she'll probably push it and you can just say 'because I don't want to'. Eventually she will realise that you actually don't like hanging out with her all that much, rather than thinking her timing is off and you are always just a bit too busy to go out.

I don't think it's impolite to be blunt, I have to say I'd be mortified though if someone gave me a 'I don't actually like hanging out with you' talk! Just say no :cool: