The Dummies Guide to Wimmins

DublinWriter

Inspired by the thread on Man-Lit, I decided it would be a useful and practical thing to do to initiate a guide for the Brothers on how to deal with wimmins, a Dummies Guide if you will.

The rule is you only offer *one* tip per posting.

Seeing as I'm no particular expert, I have only one tip which is particularly topical at this time of year and considering we brothers have our annual Christmas Shopping period coming up (4pm Christmas Eve).

Rule #1: Never buy a wimmin clothes.

_blank_

Rule #2 - The Word "Fine"

i. If a wimmins says she's "Fine" there is something the matter. It is at this time that you should engage your mind-reading skillz to determine what this something is.

ii. If a wimmins says it's "Fine" when you tell her you are going for a few pints after work, it generally isn't.

iii. If a wimmins says it's "Fine" when you suggest going to the chipper/chinese for dinner, she actually wants to be taken to Shanahan's On The Green.

iv. If a wimmins says it's "Fine" for you to wear torn jeans and paint splattered T-Shirt to her mother's house on some occasion, opening an envelope for example, she actually wants you to wear a tuxedo.

trout

Rule # 3 The phrase "Whatever you like"

When a wimmins utters the phrase, "Whatever you like" they do not mean for you do to "whatever you like", they mean for you to do what they like, but they won't tell you what that is. Time for mind-reading skillz again.

trout: do you want pizza or kebabs for the biha dinner ?
mrs trout: <pause>
mrs trout: whatever you like
trout: <realises>
trout: or how about a nice meal in your newest favourite restaurant of your choice, my blossom
mrs trout: hmmph ... OK then, that sounds nice.
trout: <phew>

Latchy

4 If a womon says you look stupid wearing that monkey /bobble hat over your head ignore her . If it's really freezing you wont care what anybody thinks, her included .............or she might suggest if you were a gentleman (which your not ) you would give it to her instead to keep warm

HAPPYGIRL

Lads the rules are great but if you want to become an expert take this course.

http://www.amazinghumor.com/jokes/menandwomen/furthermencourses.shtml

daiixi

trout wrote: »

Rule # 3 The phrase "Whatever you like"

When a wimmins utters the phrase, "Whatever you like" they do not mean for you do to "whatever you like", they mean for you to do what they like, but they won't tell you what that is. Time for mind-reading skillz again.

trout: do you want pizza or kebabs for the biha dinner ?
mrs trout: <pause>
mrs trout: whatever you like
trout: <realises>
trout: or how about a nice meal in your newest favourite restaurant of your choice, my blossom
mrs trout: hmmph ... OK then, that sounds nice.
trout: <phew>

Not quite true. Sometimes it means "just make a decision and stop standing around blathering - I'm hungry!"

Just to confuse you further of course

Dyr

if a wimminz says ANYTHING to you, remember the safe cross code

one look for a safe place

two dont hurry stop and wait

three look all around before you open you gob.

Why do you think judge had a black eye? thats right, missis judge. poor bastard was speaking from experience

trout

Rule # 0 The Golden Rule

Q: How can you tell when a wimmins is being irrational, unreasonable, or plain ol' vanilla wimmins when she is speaking to you ?

A: Her lips are moving.








I'll get me coat :rolleyes:

HAPPYGIRL

HAPPYGIRL wrote: »

Lads the rules are great but if you want to become an expert take this course.

http://www.amazinghumor.com/jokes/menandwomen/furthermencourses.shtml

I reccomend this for you Happygirl:How to be a better woman.

HAPPYGIRL

Thanks nialler that has totally shown me the error of my ways! :rolleyes:

HAPPYGIRL

HAPPYGIRL wrote: »

Thanks nialler that has totally shown me the error of my ways! :rolleyes:

It's about time,now get back into the kitchen;)

smashey

Wimmins: Does my bum look big in this?

smashey: Darling, you're bum would look big in Texas.

Always tell the truth,

Hagar

Wimmins: Do these jeans make my bum look big?
Hagar: No, it's all the cakes and chocolates that does that.

shrapnel222

when a woman asks you what's on TV, do NOT reply "dust"

shrapnel222

shrapnel222 wrote: »

when a woman asks you what's on TV, do NOT reply "dust"

Well you should mention that she might have neglected to dust the telly in a while.

johnnyskeleton

5 (or whatever)

If you insult them, they will work harder to impress you. If you show them any sign of affection or gratitude they will take this to mean that they have won.

Pigman II

Rule 6: When a wimmins asks "what are you thinking?" don't tell her the truth (sex/football/auto-repair etc) as she will at best not understand and at worst think you are lying.

So instead just make up an answer that will lead to a "problem solving" conversation and a lot of head nodding from yourself..

ruthiedv

If yis really want to know what us wimmins want, just get yourselves a box set of Sex and the City. It covers pretty much everything from not banging our heads against the headboard to brown stripes on the couch(big no-no:D)

BTW, when I say "Fine" or "whatever you like" there's no hidden meaning, I just mean fine or whatever you like. Unfortunately himself has heard that mind-reading thing too and never believes me. Drives me nuts.

Pigman II

ruthiedv wrote: »

If yis really want to know what us wimmins want, just get yourselves a box set of Sex and the City.

I'd rather gouge my eyes out.

AlmightyCushion

ruthiedv wrote: »

If yis really want to know what us wimmins want, just get yourselves a box set of Sex and the City. It covers pretty much everything from not banging our heads against the headboard to brown stripes on the couch(big no-no:D)

I got sick a little after reading that post.

DublinWriter

Pigman II wrote: »

I'd rather gouge my eyes out.

Funnily enough, I though the same as soon as I read the post but you beat me to it yet again, Pigman.

As for Sex and the City, we brothers like our wimmin with a bit of maite on them ruthiedv, and generally wouldn't go for the ugly man-faced tit-stand types as featured on that show.

In fact, if we're on the subject of aspirational TV shows, if you say that Sex and the City is what we need to watch to understand you, then by the same token you should watch the A-Team to understand us.

ruthiedv

DublinWriter wrote: »

In fact, if we're on the subject of aspirational TV shows, if you say that Sex and the City is what we need to watch to understand you, then by the same token you should watch the A-Team to understand us.

Ah, my mistake. I didn't realise you all survived day to day,using your considerable skills to help others while on the run accused of a crime you didn't commit.

I thought your mission was more watching footie,drinking beers (that aren't bud) and eating curries:D

Kazooie

When you're buying food like say a burger and you ask her would you like one, the response: "No i'm gettin fat so I won't" does in fact mean: "I'll take "several massive chunks out of yours" instead.

cance

Being of a technical background, this one was a hard learning experience.

When a woman comes to you with a problem, she does not want you to solve it. Instead she wants to you to listen to her problem and empathise. i know, i know... what the ****?

For extra credit, after empathising for what seems like an eternity, the real trick is giving her the solution while still maintaining that its "her" solution and she thought of it. which will in turn give her more self worth and will result in less "wha, wha, woe is me" time for you to endure.

pid()

shrapnel222 wrote: »

when a woman asks you what's on TV, do NOT reply "dust"

Hahah, oh man, my sides! Comical. I'm using that one this evening.

Kazobel

LOL brilliant thread lads, you's really are clueless I'll do you's a favour, Since I have the unique perspective of living both sides of the fence in my 35 years on the planet I'll explain some of these things for you:

DublinWriter wrote: »

Rule #1: Never buy a wimmin clothes.

It's fine to buy a wimmin clothes but your opinion of "clothes" may differ from her's, G-strings and peep-hole bras are not her opinion unless she specifies them

DesF wrote: »

Rule #2 - The Word "Fine"

While not always, sometimes we use the word "Fine" as an early warning system so you are aware that your actions now may lead to a spat later. We try to trust your judgment to do the right thing and know that telling you straight out what to/not to do will only end badly so think of it as a suggestion. A quick tip here is if the answer is "Fine!" then the suggestion should really be changed but if the answer is "Yes that's fine honey " then that's more of less permission.

trout wrote: »

Rule # 3 The phrase "Whatever you like"

Like "Fine" this works the same way, we know you like to make decisions and are happy to let you as long as they're the right decisions but, of course, want you to think the idea was yours so as not to damage your ego so listen for the tone it is delivered in we may just mean it as "Whatever you like" just trying to be nice

hope this helps

thefinalstage

Kazobel wrote: »

LOL brilliant thread lads, you's really are clueless I'll do you's a favour, Since I have the unique perspective of living both sides of the fence in my 35 years on the planet I'll explain some of these things for you:





It's fine to buy a wimmin clothes but your opinion of "clothes" may differ from her's, G-strings and peep-hole bras are not her opinion unless she specifies them



While not always, sometimes we use the word "Fine" as an early warning system so you are aware that your actions now may lead to a spat later. We try to trust your judgment to do the right thing and know that telling you straight out what to/not to do will only end badly so think of it as a suggestion. A quick tip here is if the answer is "Fine!" then the suggestion should really be changed but if the answer is "Yes that's fine honey " then that's more of less permission.



Like "Fine" this works the same way, we know you like to make decisions and are happy to let you as long as they're the right decisions but, of course, want you to think the idea was yours so as not to damage your ego so listen for the tone it is delivered in we may just mean it as "Whatever you like" just trying to be nice

hope this helps

So your saying your a trans gender person? No wait you just have no balls.

Kazobel

thelastangryman wrote: »

So your saying your a trans gender person? No wait you just have no balls.

No actually, I'm a Transsexual person which everyone on here is fully aware of already. If you posted here as much as I do you'd have known that and wouldn't seem so foolish now because that was a really stupid attempt at a hit and the "balls" joke has been done to death :rolleyes:

kowloon

Kazobel wrote: »

No actually, I'm a Transsexual person which everyone on here is fully aware of already. If you posted here as much as I do you'd have known that and wouldn't seem so foolish now because that was a really stupid attempt at a hit and the "balls" joke has been done to death :rolleyes:

ULTRABURN!!

thefinalstage

Kazobel wrote: »

No actually, I'm a Transsexual person which everyone on here is fully aware of already. If you posted here as much as I do you'd have known that and wouldn't seem so foolish now because that was a really stupid attempt at a hit and the "balls" joke has been done to death :rolleyes:

So your saying that you don't have balls than?

Kazobel

thelastangryman wrote: »

So your saying that you don't have balls than?

Why are you so obsessed with my genitalia?

thefinalstage

Kazobel wrote: »

Why are you so obsessed with my genitalia?

So its true. Now lets get to the question of how you keep the stubble down!

Kazobel

thelastangryman wrote: »

So its true. Now lets get to the question of how you keep the stubble down!

No it's not true, I'm pre-op so I do have male genitalia but not for much longer. For now I prefer to see it as having both male and female organs i.e. a penis and a brain, as for stubble I have none to keep down.

smashey

Kazobel wrote: »

No it's not true, I'm pre-op so I do have male genitalia but not for much longer. For now I prefer to see it as having both male and female organs i.e. a penis and a brain, as for stubble I have none to keep down.

Wimmins has a penis?

ruthiedv

I've got eleven. One red one, eight black ones and two that don't work.

ruthiedv

Oh sorry, that's pens.

Karl Hungus

Oh, don't encourage Kazobel, you know she's just going to start posting pics again...

Tom Dunne

Keep it civil, people.

We welcome everbody here, no matter what they do with their penis.

barneysplash

Ok back on topic,

Women are obsessed with their hair.


You: "Have you had your hair done?" (Casting your eyes over her hair, froom right side of head to left side of head and back to fringe area)

Her: "No, I just washed it."

You: "Oh, very nice"

And leave it at that. It's the small compliments that mean the most.


If you notice she has radically altered her hair do:

You: "I like your new do, it really frames your face."

Her: "Oh, thanks [yourname], you're sweet."

Now they'll remember you now as the nice chap who notices when they change their appearance.

longshanks

smashey
Quote:
Originally Posted by Kazobel View Post
No it's not true, I'm pre-op so I do have male genitalia but not for much longer. For now I prefer to see it as having both male and female organs i.e. a penis and a brain, as for stubble I have none to keep down.

Wimmins has a penis?

wimmins has a brain?

dfx-

tom dunne wrote: »

We welcome everbody here, no matter what they do with their penis.

But......what if they drink Bud Light?

Kazobel

Karl Hungus wrote: »

Oh, don't encourage Kazobel, you know she's just going to start posting pics again...

Don't blame me because I'm confident in how I look, I'm just luckier than some I guess.

thefinalstage

Kazobel wrote: »

Don't blame me because I'm confident in how I look, I'm just luckier than some I guess.

Also taller.

Kazobel

thelastangryman wrote: »

Also taller.

I'm only 6 foot, I'd assume that would be a pretty standard height for guy's and girls. It's a pretty standard height for most female models, just as is my size 12 waist, that's what makes them models, tell me the last time you seen a male model that was 5 foot 6? sorry if my height makes you feel inferiour but I'd assume any girl my height would make you feel that way. Is that why you're angry?

thefinalstage

Kazobel wrote: »

I'm only 6 foot, I'd assume that would be a pretty standard height for guy's and girls. It's a pretty standard height for most female models, just as is my size 12 waist, that's what makes them models, tell me the last time you seen a male model that was 5 foot 6? sorry if my height makes you feel inferiour but I'd assume any girl my height would make you feel that way. Is that why you're angry?

Lets see, A six foot man pretending to be a woman with stubble,a wig and balls. You would probably scare the **** out of me in a back alley but inferiority? Nope.

Tom Dunne

thelastangryman wrote: »

Lets see, A six foot man pretending to be a woman with stubble,a wig and balls. You would probably scare the **** out of me in a back alley but inferiority? Nope.

I put it in plain English - drop it. Take whatever issues you have elsewhere and stop dragging this thread off topic.

I won't warn you again.

barneysplash

Instant Compliment #1

Most women's heads are full of simple words from Heat magazine or poorly written Irish chic-lit.

Try sticking one of these fancy words in now and then to spice up any standard compliment.


Her: "Do you like my dress?" (Expecting a "Yes it's nice" or "It's lovely"}


You: "Oh yes, that dress is very..." [insert one of the below]



Chic

Feminine

Dainty

Delicate

Elegant

Tantalizing

Exotic

Exquisite

Decadent

Alluring

Glamorous

Appealing

Refined

Luxurious

Élan (She'll probably never have heard of this one, just say it's Italian and it means elegant)

johnnyskeleton

barneysplash wrote: »

You: "Have you had your hair done?" (Casting your eyes over her hair, froom right side of head to left side of head and back to fringe area)

Her: "No, I just washed it."

You: "Oh, very nice"

And leave it at that. It's the small compliments that mean the most.

This works best as an answer to those difficult questions like "what are you thinking?" "what do you want to do tonight?" "what are you doing to my underpants?" "didn't I get a baring order against you?".

ruthiedv

johnnyskeleton wrote: »

"didn't I get a baring order against you?".

Is that a court order to stop you mooning at her?

Slow Motion

dfx- wrote: »

But......what if they drink Bud Light?

There are limits! Now mention that horsepiss again and I'll bar you from YORE MAs;)