Slept with someone else

LegacyUser

OK....So i got very drunk and slept with my flatmate. I'm not really sure how it happened or who initiated it, but it happened. I'm completely mortified as there is just the two of us sharing a house and I have a bf. I'm not going to tell him as I do regret it, but not sure what to do now? Flatmate is acting fine with me although he does keep talking about other girls (trying to make me jealous??)
We got on really well before this, but i never found him attractive or really thought of him in that way...can i just put this down to being drunk and stupid??

sobriquet

badgirlfriend wrote: »

Flatmate is acting fine with me although he does keep talking about other girls (trying to make me jealous??)

Why wouldn't he? Why would he want to make you jealous? Why do you think he would want to?

badgirlfriend wrote: »

can i just put this down to being drunk and stupid??

Whilst I'm hammering out questions like a coin-op Freud, what's stopping you? You've no intention of telling your boyfriend, your flatmate is carrying on without any apparent issues about it, so why make anything more of it?

badgirlfriend wrote: »

but not sure what to do now?

Unless you're harbouring any feelings for your flatmate, why do anything? Carry on with life. Unless perhaps you want the situation to blow up due to something amiss in your relationship with your boyfriend...?

davyjose

badgirlfriend wrote: »

can i just put this down to being drunk and stupid??

Clearly that's what you are going to do, but can I offer some advice? Ditch your bf before you sleep with your flat-mate again. Because lets be honest, we all know it'll happen again. But please don't be disgusting enough to keep doing that to the poor guy(your boyfriend, that is)

Placid Casual

Your a skank and i hope he finds out before you do it to him again. Shame on you. When a fella does it we are scum, when a girl does it, it was a drunken mistake.....:mad:
You deserve everything you get.
No sympathy, except for your so called boyfriend

AARRRGH

Placid Casual wrote: »

Your a skank

That's a bit harsh. She made a drunken mistake.

Who hasn't done something they regret?

I know I've made drunken mistakes, and apparently I'm a really nice person.

OP, never do that again. Don't tell your boyfriend. Move on.

Do NOT sleep with the flatmate again.

How Strange

OP, the fact is that ending up in bed shagging someone doesn't just happen.

A snog can happen if you are drunk but shagging involves a certain amount of snogging first, a bit of groping, taking clothes off and doing the deed. That takes a bit of time.

So ask yourself why it happened. I find it hard to believe that you won't end up in the same horizontal position with your flatmate again.

AARRRGH

How Strange wrote: »

I find it hard to believe that you won't end up in the same horizontal position with your flatmate again.

I gotta say I'm a bit skeptical of this too.

LegacyUser

Thanks for the replies..I'm not a skank. Been with my bf 6 years and I've never done this before. As I said, I'm not attracted to the flatmate so I just don't know how this happened...I guess I'm just trying to make sense of it. I don't intend for it to hapen again and i do love my boyfriend (i know people will say how can i love him when i slept with someone else), but I guess I'm wondering if there is a deeper meaning to what I did or should I just accept that it happenned and move on?

acorntoast

badgirlfriend wrote: »

can i just put this down to being drunk and stupid??

I don't think you can put it down to being drunk. I get drunk all the time, I've been absolutely locked around guys who were coming onto me and cheating wouldn't even cross my mind. Usually people don't cheat unless there is something going wrong in the relationship. How long have you been seeing your boyfriend? Is everything going ok between the two of you?

Have you ever been unfaithful before - to this boyfriend or to any other boyfriend?

badgirlfriend wrote: »

I'm not really sure how it happened or who initiated it, but it happened.

Do you have any ideas about how it happened? Did you do the 'in for a penny in for a pound' morning bang?

badgirlfriend wrote: »

Flatmate is acting fine with me although he does keep talking about other girls (trying to make me jealous??)
We got on really well before this, but i never found him attractive or really thought of him in that way...can i just put this down to being drunk and stupid??

The use of the past tense there - and the general tone of this makes me think you now fancy the flatmate, am I right?

TBH - I disagree with the posters telling you not to to tell your boyfriend. I think you shouldn't be going out with anyone, and the fastest way for your boyfriend to get over you is if you come clean, imo.

There's nothing wrong with getting drunk and playing the field - but I think expecting your boyfriend to come to your house and make small talk with this guy, or have sex with you with this guy in the room next door is just icky and wrong. It would probably devastate him if - probably when in all likelihood - he finds out.

Also - if you are capable of keeping this from him, which most people aren't, you will be making yourself into the kind of person who can utterly betray people, lie by deed and omission and fake your feelings. I don't think any relationship can recover from the pressure of that sort of lie. And since you regret this now, you obviously have a conscience - it will really prey on you and trouble you and generally grind you down.

Lil' Smiler

dublindude wrote: »

That's a bit harsh. She made a drunken mistake.

Who hasn't done something they regret?

I know I've made drunken mistakes, and apparently I'm a really nice person.

OP, never do that again. Don't tell your boyfriend. Move on.

Do NOT sleep with the flatmate again.

ah but it's funny though!!

People who cheat know they're gonna be called names!

Personally I just don't get how people can do it! Sober or drunk, I know myself I still know I would never ever ever cheat on my bf when plastered, and i have been pretty plastered in the cases i'm thinking of....we've both had our ex's cheat on us loads so maybe it's just stuck in both our heads about how crap we felt..

Tell the boyfriend. You owe it to him and as you name suggests you have been a bad girlfriend.

sunnyjim

OP, tell your boyfriend.

Mike...

Bring the bf around and get him to screw you senseless, good and loud, keep shouting "oh my god, this is the best sex ever"....also make sure your flatmate is there when you do it

Now lets see who get jealous....

and as for telling your bf wait till after the loud sex

MagicMarker

This is quickly going to turn into a thread with half of the posters saying you should tell him, and other half saying you shouldn't.

OP: You screwed up, you should either A) Tell your bf and try and work things out if he doesn't dump you or Dump him and keep it to yourself.

It's one thing doing it with a stranger, but your flatmate?! Are they quite chummy when your bf comes over? How are you going to feel when they're in the same room together from now on? That's not on afaic.

TBH i can't see how you're going to keep this from him anyhow.

Requiem4adream

Hmmm....was the sex better with flatmate? is this the cause for doubt? Also this is important IMO (i'll elaborate later), did you wake up beside each other the next morning?

In terms of your mistake, dont tell your bf, no good can come of it.

LegacyUser

No, we didn't have sex in the morning but did sleep together for the night - I was very drunk so I couldn't really tell you if the sex was better. I'm not in the habit of getting so drunk either so the next morning I went straight to my own room. My boyfriend and i don't live in the same country (for work reasons & only until recently) so he has never met the flatmate. In saying that, if i tell him, he would fly out and kill the flatmate..I know i cant tell him.

I'm just not sure what was going through my head at the time. If i met someone else and fell in love I might find it easier to understand, but even before the b/f I've never been into one night stands and I'm not anyway attracted to the flatmate so I just don't know why I did it.

lolli

If you have been with your boyfriend for 6 years and suddenly you have a "drunken mistake" then something must be wrong in your relationship. If you have been with him that long and cheat now there is obviously some underlying reason for doing so. Are you sure everything is ok in your relationship? I think if you truely love someone you will not cheat on them no matter how drunk you are because if a situation like that occurs then your partner will automatically come into your head and you stop yourself from doing that to them because you love them, because you respect them and because you wouldnt hurt them.

Best of luck but have a think about your relationship with your boyfriend and do your self a favour and find somewhere else to live because it will never be same between you and your housemate again or else it'll happen again.

davyjose

badgirlfriend wrote: »

but I guess I'm wondering if there is a deeper meaning to what I did or should I just accept that it happenned and move on?

If you're such an awesome girlfriend, why don't you tell him and let him decide whether he wants to be with someone who sleeps around after 6 years. Also perhaps you could ask yourself why, after 6 years you live with a guy who isn't your boyfriend????

davyjose

Requiem4adream wrote: »

In terms of your mistake, dont tell your bf, no good can come of it.

For her maybe - what about him?

Requiem4adream

It's irrelevant imo! I found out my ex-gf did the dirt on me after almost 3 years together, i can say in all honesty i'd rather not have known! A drunken 1-off mistake that you regret is not the same as having an affair and it serves no purpose to spill the beans.

LegacyUser

Requiem4adream wrote: »

It's irrelevant imo! I found out my ex-gf did the dirt on me after almost 3 years together, i can say in all honesty i'd rather not have known! A drunken 1-off mistake that you regret is not the same as having an affair and it serves no purpose to spill the beans.

I'm with ya...once you know it just goes downhill...don't know from experience but i can imagine it would be pretty rough to deal with

Wisesmurf

i'd tell tbh.

He'll probably find out anyway. If the 3 of you are around together he'll sense the athmosphere is different. You wont be able to hide it.

It is probably likely to happen again. IMO its tell your BF and live with what happens or move out.

I think people who cheat are scumbags.

davyjose

Requiem4adream wrote: »

It's irrelevant imo! I found out my ex-gf did the dirt on me after almost 3 years together, i can say in all honesty i'd rather not have known! A drunken 1-off mistake that you regret is not the same as having an affair and it serves no purpose to spill the beans.

I dont know if you split from your ex for this particular reason, but surely the OP's boyfriend deserves to be given the decision as to whether or not he wants to stay with her?
And if she doesn't tell him, I think he is very unfortunate to be stuck with someone like that, who on top of everything else won't even show him that level of consideration. To leave him sit there like a chump with the other fella smirking at him whenever they meet.

drdre

Well, Simply if you cant handle drink then you shouldn't be doing it.Thats what happens....

eringobragh

drdre wrote: »

Well, Simply if you cant handle drink then you shouldn't be doing it.Thats what happens....

I'm sure OP will find that very helpful :rolleyes:

Mulan

If your sorry and want to forget about it then, Move out
Find another flatmate. Don't S**G him/her and your back to being happy.
If your really, really sorry then its that simply.

Good luck

WhiteWashMan

You were drunk. You made a really bad mistake, but a mistake none the less.
Don't tell your other half. If it was a complete mistake and you didn't intend it to happen, and you don't intend for it to happen again, then don't tell your other half. He doesn't need to know.
I'm all for comlete honesty in a relationship, but we all do things that are tragic mistakes sometimes, and sometimes its better not to introduce anything into the relationship which could cause it real damage. BUt again, only if it was a huge error that you have no intention of repeating, or had no intention of initiating.

If the housemate is pretending it never happened, then you should do so to. Only if it becomes a problem between you, then you can consider what your next move should be.

davyjose

WhiteWashMan wrote: »

sometimes its better not to introduce anything into the relationship which could cause it real damage.

But it has been introduced. If the OP can go through the rest of her life with this person, without a wisp of guilt then to be quite honest, she's a psycho.
So I'm gonna assume she will feel guilt. And this, over time, will be as destructive as any admitted infidelity.

WhiteWashMan

davyjose wrote: »

But it has been introduced. If the OP can go through the rest of her life with this person, without a wisp of guilt then to be quite honest, she's a psycho.

No, if that were the case, then it would mean she didn't care, and is probably in the relationship for the wrong reasons.
And psycho? Come on, lets not get melodramatic here.

davyjose wrote: »

So I'm gonna assume she will feel guilt. And this, over time, will be as destructive as any admitted infidelity.

Guilt maybe, regret maybe.

As for saying it will be destructive, I disagree. It could actually act as a catalyst for focusing the OP on her partner. The maxim 'you never miss it til it's gone' is true, and equally true is the fact that you sometimes don't appreciate what you have until it's threatened.

Requiem4adream

davyjose wrote: »

But it has been introduced. If the OP can go through the rest of her life with this person, without a wisp of guilt then to be quite honest, she's a psycho.
So I'm gonna assume she will feel guilt. And this, over time, will be as destructive as any admitted infidelity.

this ^^ isnt the real world man. Much easier to live with a little guilt. In the real world if she tells him he'll be gutted and probably will shatter everything he thinks he knows about her and their relationship. He'll tear himself apart wondering was this the only time or has she been Jekyll n Hyde the whole time.

If, as you say, guilt is her punishment for a drunken misdemeanour then fine. Live with it. No need to punish the guy too for her mistake. If she's true to her OP it wont happen again and they move on, no harm done.

How Strange

badgirlfriend.... we didn't have sex in the morning but did sleep together for the night - I was very drunk so I couldn't really tell you if the sex was better. I'm not in the habit of getting so drunk either so the next morning I went straight to my own room. My boyfriend and i don't live in the same country (for work reasons & only until recently) so he has never met the flatmate.

And you don't know why it happened!:eek: Read your own posts again, I don't think anyone needs a degree in psychology to figure it out.

You are lonely and possibly horny but def lonely for affection you get from your bf, you get drunk with a man, lonliness intensifies with drink and you end up in shagging the flatmate but worse you stay the night with him. So at no point before during or after the actual dirty deed was done did you feel remorse.

You need to get your head straight on this one. If you can't stop yourself from hopping into bed with any guy that shows you a bit of attention whenever you feel lonely for your bf then your relationship is either over or descending into dysfunctional.

Be honest with yourself. I think you are being a total coward about the whole situation. What you did was awful and yes I agree with the posters who said if you were a man we would be lambasting you from a height.

Move out of that flat asap before this becomes a frequent occurance becausee it most def will. If the flatmate is acting like a 16yr old trying to make you jealous by talking about other girls then he is into you so thats a winning combination for more illicit s*x.

Then have a long hard think about how you are going to survive a long distance relationship or if it is worth it because if it turns you into a sl*t every time you have a few drinks then you are not cut out for it. And there's nothing wrong with not being able to handle a long distance relationship, most people can't, just be honest about it and leave with your self respect and your bf's respect for you intact.

justsomebloke

OP what type of person is your room mate. Is there any chance that he would tell your boyfriend, maybe not now but if you ever have a falling out?

Also how are you going to feel when both of them are in the same room and you know your house mate is thinking "I screwed your girlfriend and you don't even know"

Dr_Teeth

Just break up with your b/f.. it's obvious that you're not happy anymore, with him being in a different country. Don't tell him you cheated either, he doesn't deserve that extra grief!

Dub6Kevin

One thing that hasn't been mentioned is if the OP was so drunk she did something she wouldn't normally do and cannot remember how good the sex was, did they use a condom?

On top of the "moral" issue here (and frankly I think we have all done things when drunk we regret and all those giving the OP a hard time are living in glass houses) there is the factor of whether she may have become pregnant and/or acquired an STI/D.

This needs to be considered very carefully.

Cathmandooo

How long has your bf been away? Before he went away did you see each other every day? I dont think you fancy your flatmate I think you were just craving male attention now that your boyfriend is away. That doesnt make it acceptable though.


Are you friends with your flatmate? As in does he go out on the beer with you when you go out with your friends regularly? I think you should move out and cut off all contact with this man. At least if in a few years time if your boyfriend finds out (from you or otherwise) that at least he can be sure it never happened again because you immediately cut all ties. It might save your relationship.

Hope you used protection anyway.

Wibbs

WhiteWashMan wrote: »

As for saying it will be destructive, I disagree. It could actually act as a catalyst for focusing the OP on her partner. The maxim 'you never miss it til it's gone' is true, and equally true is the fact that you sometimes don't appreciate what you have until it's threatened.

Exactly what I was thinking on this. I would say similar to what I said in another thread where the guy cheated on a one nighter.

If you want to save this relationship, then don't tell the BF and move out from where you are. You need to work on why you did this and move on from it. If it's just out of loneliness and lack of attention then you really need to think long and hard about your mindset.

LegacyUser

badgirlfriend wrote: »

I'm not going to tell him as I do regret it

Your relationship is doom to failure if this is how you plan to approach it.

CrazyNoob

OP the only advice I'd give is not to put yourself in the same situation again.
Dont get drunk with the flatmate

As to whether you tell BF or not - that is your choice, clearly opinion is divided in the thread.

That aspect comes down to a) what will come of telling him and b) can you continue uneffected and happy without telling him

tbh

you're looking for a deeper reason because it's hard to accept that intelligent, rational human beings can do something so stupid when they've been drinking. But really, that's all it is. Do you want to do it again? No. Did you think about doing it before? No. It's a stupid mistake, and there is no point punishing yourself unduely for it.

However.



The dynamic in the house has changed. You're no longer this guys flatmate, you're an ex-lover. Even a one-night stand changes everything, especially if it's just the two of you in the house, and especially if your boyfriend is in another country. You might not notice it, but he may well pick up on the fact that something has changed once he comes home. We don't even know what the other bloke is like, hopefully he's as mortified as you, but he might not be.

In conclusion: Move out, and move on.

zzantara

Ok ,you were pissed and you did something that you regretted the next morning ?? Hello--- let him who has not sinned etc ???, IF this is the biggest mistake of your life you will be a very lucky girl ,in the longer scheme of life if won't matter,imagine if you or someone that you love got some bad health news over Christmas,let's put this into some perspective :
Things might be a little "strained" between your BF and yourself at the moment and it is maybe a sign that you should ask yourself as to how comitted you want to be to this guy long term?, due to the distance between you and him perhaps that is why your were tempted to wander ?,
But for the moment I suggest that you have a heart to heart with you FM and (probobly) tell him that you want to remain friends with him,that whatever happened on the night should stay there,that you don't want to feel unconfortable when you are all together ?,you will probobaly find that he feels exactly the same?(assuming that you want this to be a once off?)

I slept with my wifes cousin(before we were married) after al ot of drink by both of us,after a couple of times that we all met up we didn't want to feel uncomfortable in each others company?I broke the ice and cleared the air,we both felt the same and get on really well now AS FRIENDS,(we sometimes have a little "private joke/ribbing together) and can laugh it off as adulkts,no one was killed -we are all still healty after it!
Relax and have a great (guilt free Christmas !)

Dragan

zzantara wrote: »

I slept with my wifes cousin(before we were married) after al ot of drink by both of us,after a couple of times that we all met up we didn't want to feel uncomfortable in each others company?I broke the ice and cleared the air,we both felt the same and get on really well now AS FRIENDS,(we sometimes have a little "private joke/ribbing together) and can laugh it off as adulkts,no one was killed -we are all still healty after it!
Relax and have a great (guilt free Christmas !)

So you slept with you wife's cousin, and to this day will joke about it with her at your wife's expense?

Why did you even marry the woman when you clearly have no respect for her?

Back on topic...... OP, you did what you did but your boyfriend deserves to know and make his own decision in my view.

MagicMarker

Dub6Kevin wrote: »

On top of the "moral" issue here (and frankly I think we have all done things when drunk we regret and all those giving the OP a hard time are living in glass houses)

No, we haven't.

Dragan

Agree with Magic Marker...... i do nothing drunk that i wouldn't do sober to be honest.

I suggest people stop hiding behind the excuse of alchohol, man the **** up and accept your responsibility to yourself and others.

That includes you OP.

Miss Fluff

badgirlfriend wrote: »

Thanks for the replies..I'm not a skank. Been with my bf 6 years and I've never done this before. As I said, I'm not attracted to the flatmate so I just don't know how this happened...I guess I'm just trying to make sense of it. I don't intend for it to hapen again and i do love my boyfriend (i know people will say how can i love him when i slept with someone else), but I guess I'm wondering if there is a deeper meaning to what I did or should I just accept that it happenned and move on?

There would quite possibly be a deeper meaning, only you can answer that. Has there been any flirtation? Were you both drinking at home or out together or what? Chances are you were pie-eyed drunk, lonely and horny. No need to tell your bf BUT there is every chance this will happen again. I know you have held your hands up and said you harbour no feelings etc for your flatmare. Why then, if that is the case, would you care to make reference to the fact that since you had sex he keeps talking about other women. Does it bug you? I think moving out is the best idea as chances are it may happen again. If it has bothered you enough to post about it on PI then it has obviously been playing on your mind, rightly so. You then need to have a think about relationship and see if it's what you really want. Good luck.

ando

lolli wrote: »

If you have been with your boyfriend for 6 years and suddenly you have a "drunken mistake" then something must be wrong in your relationship. If you have been with him that long and cheat now there is obviously some underlying reason for doing so

I dunno how people do it... how could you, I just simply do NOT get it?? There's no fecking way I'd ever EVER cheat on my girlfriend, not a hope in hell, it just doesn't compute in my head. There has to be something that is wrong with the relationship for you to do that

LegacyUser

ando wrote: »

I dunno how people do it... how could you, I just simply do NOT get it?? There's no fecking way I'd ever EVER cheat on my girlfriend, not a hope in hell, it just doesn't compute in my head. There has to be something that is wrong with the relationship for you to do that

A lot of it comes down to age and generally how immature you are I reckon. If you are young, good looking and taken/rich...women want you even more (just look at the footballers who earn huge money) but my point is...temptation and drink can make people do crazy things...but there are so many good looking girls in the world (guys for the girls) and it can be hard to say no which is why I reckon it comes down to age and maturity. As long as nobody gets hurt...it's fine...but the problem is, people always get hurt EVENTUALLY...maybe not the first time, maybe not the second time...but they will always get hurt at some stage...

Overheal

alcohol is simply a disinhibitor - you already wanted to do it when you were sobre.

Cheeky_gal

cheesedude wrote: »

A lot of it comes down to age and generally how immature you are I reckon. If you are young, good looking and taken/rich...women want you even more (just look at the footballers who earn huge money) but my point is...temptation and drink can make people do crazy things...but there are so many good looking girls in the world (guys for the girls) and it can be hard to say no which is why I reckon it comes down to age and maturity. As long as nobody gets hurt...it's fine...but the problem is, people always get hurt EVENTUALLY...maybe not the first time, maybe not the second time...but they will always get hurt at some stage...

Wow...deep!

vorbis

as someone who has never cheated, I would have to say mistakes happen!

Even as a catholic, some of the replies here struck me as overly righteous. This idea that any mistake automatically has deeper underlying meanings doesn't wash with me. Alcohol makes you do stupid things. You're still responsible for your actions but plenty of people have done really stupid things mainly because of alcohol. The trick is not to leave yourself get drunk to the stage where this can happen.

Myself, I'm grand most times I drink a lot of alcohol. Sometimes though, if I'm in a bad mood and drink way too much, I've ended up getting arrested a few times (both times due to arguing too much with a police officer). I'd never do the same thing while sober. The arrests are still my fault but are not a sign of an underlying hatred of guardai!

OP do not tell your bf and live with the guilt. Thats punishment enough. Do move out from that apartment though. It'll be too awkward to continue living there.

paulusdu

I've got to agree with Vorbis there on 2 points.

There do seem to be a lot of over self rightous responses, im not sure how helpful they are.

But more importantly, i agree that you should start looking at a new place to live.
Sleeping with your flatmate opens a bit of a pandoras box, once you do it, the temptation will always be there to do it again.

My advice would be to move out of the apartment, preferably on good terms, and don;t tell your boyfriend. If it was a mistake, and it does sound as if it was, then there is no reason make him share in any misery. If it happens again, well then, maybe there is some deeper problem there you might have to deal with.

daveharnett

badgirlfriend wrote: »

if i tell him, he would fly out and kill the flatmate

We'll there's your problem. Your subconcious is telling you your bf is a psycho!
What has your flatmate done wrong, he doesn't even know your bf!?

Wibbs

daveharnett wrote: »

We'll there's your problem. Your subconcious is telling you your bf is a psycho!

Jesus that's a bit of a stretch. Did you find that nugget of pop psychology in an early christmas cracker? Her boyfriend is hardly a psycho on the basis of what she says about a hypothetical situation should he find out. Oh sure, no doubt he'll talk big on the back of his feelings of rejection and hurt, but in 9 times out of 10 it comes to nothing.

What has your flatmate done wrong, he doesn't even know your bf!?

Well obviously, but people when faced with infidelity often want to lash out at the person that the infidelity took place with, rather than face the idea that their partner is a male or female slapper. How many fights in pubs have started with "are you looking at me bird"? Plus I'm sure the flatmate knows she's not single at any rate.