You told me so...

LegacyUser

i know you're all gonna internet-kick me for this, but still. you know the story, ex-bf, cheated, lied after three dates and then dumped me when i found out. now he says he loves me. in fairness, i might love him. is there any documented evidence ofthis kind of thing working out, or am i an idiot?(you can say option b...everyone else i know has)

uptherebels

the way i see it is if someone cheats once it will probably happen again.also if it was me i wouldnt get back with them as the trust is gone and i would spend our time apart wondering if they were off with someone else.

TEH REAL CDP

He doesn't love you.

He's a posessive, insecure, manipulative horny boll*x who has probably been found out by a few other girls. It will happen again. Documented evidence? Divorce papers maybe. Just ditch it. You don't need the paranoia, the hassle or him. Do yourself a favour and cut contact.

greenteaicedtea

actions speak louder than words. No matter what he says now, he sounds like he's not treated you right in the past. I would stay away from someone like that, if he seesaws between treating you well and badly, well you don't need that.

m83

[puts on kickin' boots]


move on! he sounds like a grade A schmuck!

Mighty_Mouse

lied after three dates

How can he be your bf after 3 dates?

There's a whole initial period when both people are entitled to see other people that should probably be taken into consideration here.

qz

Get rid of him, sounds like an absolute prick tbh.

Mr. Incognito

This just cannot be a real post. Really. If you are a tangible person you need to grow a spine.

LegacyUser

see now, mighty mouse has a good point. he did this after 3 dates, i found out nearly a year later. and i know- I KNOW- it sounds like a terrible idea. i know he hasn't been good to me. but he still makes me happy, and do u think, maybe, if it's a choice between being happy and not, then....? no?

ali.c

youtoldmeso wrote: »

i know he hasn't been good to me. but he still makes me happy, and do u think, maybe, if it's a choice between being happy and not, then....? no?

How will you be happy with someone who doesnt treat you well? Just curious, tbh i think after 3 dates its hardly a deal breaker but then we dont know what other problems have been going on in your relationship.

I dont think its a choice between being happy or not, if he doesnt treat you well then to me its a choice of self-respect or not tbh....................

Lux23

Just wait and see what he is willing to do to win you back. If he really loves you he will walk over hot coals for you, if he isn't then it will be fun to watch him squirm for a while.

Mighty_Mouse

he did this after 3 dates, i found out nearly a year later. and i know- I KNOW- it sounds like a terrible idea. i know he hasn't been good to me.

Ok your original question was the cheating after 3 dates thing.
Are you now saying that ye dated for a year and other "bad things" happened?
He dumped you after you found out he cheated a year later?
What exactly is the problem?

TBH tis too hard to figure out exactly what the prob is here

Lux23

So you dated him for at least a year but you found out much later that he was with someone while he was seeing you. Thats changes things, if I was only in the beginning of something with someone I wouldn't expect any kind of commitment until we had a proper chat about things.

K_P

OP you need to clarify the situation.

Your bf cheated on your after ye had been on 3 dates. Was it a one-off that you found out about a year later? Was it going on for the entire time you were together?

Two very different situations so it's hard to give advice without clarification.

Quality

youtoldmeso wrote: »

see now, mighty mouse has a good point. he did this after 3 dates, i found out nearly a year later. and i know- I KNOW- it sounds like a terrible idea. i know he hasn't been good to me. but he still makes me happy, and do u think, maybe, if it's a choice between being happy and not, then....? no?

I think you already have your mind made up and you are just looking for someone to tell you to stay with him and that everything is going to be great....

LegacyUser

ok, sorry, i should have been clearer really, but i didnt want to bore you! its all very predictable really. we went out for nearly a year, several not great things happened, eg. he told me to lose weight(im a size 8), he was really jealous and slightly threatened the lads i work with, he put a lot of pressure on me to prioritise him, while im not sure if he did in return, etc, etc. all surmountable, i think. i then found out that he had slept with someone and posted it on the internet, during the VERY early stages of our relationship.(3dates, as i mentioned). i found this on the internet. i confronted him, he first of all denied it, then blamed me for spying, then got angry, then....after a while....got apologetic. i decided we could work through it(it was only three dates, as pointed out, thats not a committed stage) and we saw each other again. after about a week, he dumped me via text. i was also in hospital at the time, but for totally unrelated reasons.
alright, now i know this sounds ridiculous, when you see it all laid out like that. my mind understands that he behaved poorly, and thats not a good thing. however, my emotions are still really involved here, and i still love him.
i suppose, the question im trying to ask here, however ineloquently, is how much of a decision can you make with your heart, and does it ever turn out ok?
you can say no it doesnt, im not looking to be comforted here, though thank you everyone so much for your understanding in this and not web-screaming at me, "IDIOT", i'd just really like an unbiased opinion about the whole situation. obviously both he and my close friends and family have a certain bias, and it makes it hard to see it objectively. many thanks for the replies so far and any further advice you've got!

Wibbs

Heart or not, love and a committed relationship takes two. In this situation there seems to be oly one heart involved and that's you. The apres 3 dates bit wouldn't freak me as much as the jealous controlling behaviour. Run away, basically and start to realise you don't need to be in a relationship to be a full person.

t_ucd

youtoldmeso wrote: »

i know you're all gonna internet-kick me for this, but still. you know the story, ex-bf, cheated, lied after three dates and then dumped me when i found out. now he says he loves me. in fairness, i might love him. is there any documented evidence ofthis kind of thing working out, or am i an idiot?(you can say option b...everyone else i know has)

I went through almost the exact same thing - this guy whom I knew was not a very good person told me he loved me, I convinced myself I convinced myself I loved him too. It took me a while to cop on it was never going to work out because he was never going to change and that's 6 months of my life I'll never get back! So my advice - stay as far away from him as you can, to be honest.

estar

youtoldmeso wrote: »

i know you're all gonna internet-kick me for this, but still. you know the story, ex-bf, cheated, lied after three dates and then dumped me when i found out. now he says he loves me. in fairness, i might love him. is there any documented evidence ofthis kind of thing working out, or am i an idiot?(you can say option b...everyone else i know has)

when the love word without any supporting actions is mentioned.

give yourself the advice you would give a loved friend in the same situation and then take your own advice.

K_P

Wibbs wrote: »

Heart or not, love and a committed relationship takes two. In this situation there seems to be oly one heart involved and that's you. The apres 3 dates bit wouldn't freak me as much as the jealous controlling behaviour. Run away, basically and start to realise you don't need to be in a relationship to be a full person.

+1

The sleeping with someone else at the early stages of your relationship is forgivable. Just about though. In my eyes, it's still a betrayal, but it would be surmountable. But telling you to lose weight, regardless of size really, but when you're a size 8? :eek: Jealous of your male friends, demanding you make time for him when he doesn't do the same for you. It's too controlling, too creepy in my opinion.

I'm sure he has wonderful qualities too and that you had some great times together. But, for me, the controlling behaviour outweighs those.

As for your question: how much of a decision can you make with your heart? As much as you like. It doesn't mean it's the right decision though. Good luck.

b3t4

Noone who behaves in the manner you've outlined loves you.

There is SOOO much better out there and if you hang on to this distructive relationship you could miss out on it.

tritium

OP, afraid your ex is a nasty little scumbag.

You say he's threathened your workmates - hopefully your workmates have put this to one side and not held it against you. If they have, lucky you to have nice workmates, since this kind of thing could very easily also land you in an awkward spot with people who you have to work with.

He has control issues - you do not want to be seeing someone who has extreme possessiveness issues. Long run all you'll get for your trouble is stress and heartache

He's cheated on you - if he's done it once, and treated you badly since, do you really think he hasn't done it again. People like this, in my humble experience, tend to be VERY good manipulators and liars. The funny thing is the longer you're there and the more you get sucked into it, the weaker their lies have to be.

I don't know what the appeal of seeing a creature like this is, maybe its that he makes you feel good after he makes you feel bad. Honestly, you're better shot of him. Anyone who thinks that behaving like a scumbag to someone they profess to care about is acceptable deserves to be alone. There's a lot of good guys out there, please find yourself one who'll treat you well and lose this loser

gamer

ITS unlikely he,s in love with you ,he just wants a girlfriend,if you stay ,he,ll cheat on you, the longer you stay ,the worse it will get.BREAK up,you,ll get over this relationship.HE wants to be in a relationship,but hes not respecting you or your friends.You cant change him,so its best to move on.HEs not treating you as an equal,he has control issues.HE sounds like a selfish,ignorant macho oaf.If you leave him ,you,ll find a nice decent man in the future,someone who,ll treat you as an equal.If he goes off on a 1night stand ,he,s putting you at risk of an std.HES immature ,he is not ready to settle down with some1 in a mature 50/50 relationship.I know women like bad boys,but you have to think,do you wanna marry some like this.

WhiteWashMan

Move on. He's is probably just feeling lonely and reckons he'd rather be with you than not be with someone at all.

LegacyUser

alright, you'd swear im the most indecisive person in the world, but honestly, im confused. he now wants to get married and move in together. on one hand, this is walking over hot coals, right lux? on the other, is he just a master manipulater? im not actually in a getting married sort of position right now(im 20,in college,he's 26,career sorted) but....i dont know. ?

TEH REAL CDP

WhiteWashMan wrote: »

Move on. He's is probably just feeling lonely and reckons he'd rather be with you than not be with someone at all.

Spot on.

Seriously, people can be utter twats. You have not painted a pretty portrait of him. He sounds like a grade A dick who has no respect for himself, women or anything for that matter.

6 years is a big difference. Do you really want to be tied down at this stage for the rest of your life. How would you feel if *THIS* was it for the next 30 odd years. Paranoia, Lack of trust, Mood swings???

Stop being a doormat, get a backbone and stand up for yourself. What about your career? Are you gonna bow to his every whim?

This marraige craic sounds like he knows you are growing a spine and its his blatant last ditch desperation move to tie you in. Pretty clever imo.

I'm pretty sure there's a bus which will take you teh opposite direction of wherever he is. I'd suggest you take it. You deserve better.

Learn from this and move on. Don't make one of the biggest mistakes of your life. Every other female has spotted this and now he's crawling back to you. Don't be so naieve.

MagicMarker

youtoldmeso wrote: »

alright, you'd swear im the most indecisive person in the world, but honestly, im confused. he now wants to get married and move in together. on one hand, this is walking over hot coals, right lux? on the other, is he just a master manipulater? im not actually in a getting married sort of position right now(im 20,in college,he's 26,career sorted) but....i dont know. ?

I apologise in advance.

You are a grade A fool. That's really all i can say. You really are a weak person. It's not your fault, but if you continue to let it happen then you deserve everything you get from this guy in the future.

Wibbs

I agree with MagicMarker on this point, except for one thing. You are a weak person, but it is your fault. It can be no one elses.

It is only not your fault if you don't realise it. At this point you should, so there are fewer and fewer excuses you can use for letting someone else treat you badly. You're letting them, in fact you're helping them to do it.

Now you should stand back and look at how you view relationships. If you view what you have now as anything like an appealing, mature, equal relationship then you have some questions to ask yourself. For a start you must like it in some way, or it confirms to you how you already feel about yourself. If not you would have left. I'm sure you've dropped guys before. They might have even been treating you OK at the time. Join the dots if you will.

Now a lot will blame the guy for being a scumbag etc. and that's fine, but if you had a dog and every time it bit you you gave it a treat, then you wouldn't be too quick to blame the dog alone, as it's no wonder it will continue to bite you and you will deserve the pain from it.

Same with this guy or the next ad nauseum, until you grow a pair and start to have some self respect. This does not mean turning into a grade A bitch either(a common mistake). It means knowing yourself, knowing what you may need and what you may want. A relationship falls into the second category BTW.

Oryx

youtoldmeso wrote: »

alright, you'd swear im the most indecisive person in the world, but honestly, im confused. he now wants to get married and move in together. on one hand, this is walking over hot coals, right lux? on the other, is he just a master manipulater? im not actually in a getting married sort of position right now(im 20,in college,he's 26,career sorted) but....i dont know. ?

oh dear this post makes me shudder. Please tell me your not considering this right now,please. You said it yourself, youre not ready.

This man sounds like a manipulative piece of work. He tries to control your looks (weight), who you see, wants to be 'prioritised' in your life. And when he thinks youre indecisive about him he puts forward the wonderful idea of marraige to win you over? It sounds really dodgy to me. I think youre setting yourself up for big problems. Sure it could work out, but are you willing to compromise yourself for a man who seems so controlling? People can change, really they can. But all Im hearing about your guy from your posts is someone who is promising you the sun moon and stars to get you where he wants you.

Wibbs

I agree kTk people can change, but only if they want to, have a good reason to, do it for themselves and actually work at it. That's a lot to be going on with, hence for most it's a case of a leopard won't change it's spots.

In any case she needs to change. She's the only one who can. Waiting around for someone else to change is a fools errant.

Oryx

Wibbs wrote: »

I agree kTk people can change, but only if they want to, have a good reason to, do it for themselves and actually work at it. That's a lot to be going on with, hence for most it's a case of a leopard won't change it's spots.

In any case she needs to change. She's the only one who can. Waiting around for someone else to change is a fools errant.

My point was people can change, but I really dont think this guy is changing. Im loath to ever tell anyone straight out not to do something, its the OPs decision after all. But if the op is posting here cos she has these doubts, then I think thats enough not to get back with this guy, especially if its leading to marrying him.