Tried the internet dating thing

LegacyUser

Well I tried the internet dating thing, the big, named sites. Put myself out there, was friendly, positive, and upbeat. Yet, I've gotten nothing. Not a sausage! Now, I'm a really good guy, I'm told. 26, good natured, friendly, witty, and not unpleasant on the eye. However I can be pretty shy too, which is why I tried the internet thing.

Yet after all this, well, being ignored, not even a 'no thanks' or, hell, even a 'to hell with you, weirdo' (!) I've given up. I cant even get a response on the net, so I figure what the hell's the point in trying anywhere any more. I know I shouldn't take it personally, but with a picture up and everything, you cant help thinking there's something wrong with you. I'm not really looking for advice or anything, just looking to vent, I guess.

Thanks for reading. Already feel a modicum better.

py2006

AnyPointAnyMore wrote: »

Now, I'm a really good guy, I'm told. 26, good natured, friendly, witty, and not unpleasant on the eye.

There is the problem right there I am afraid! Alot of women simple do not like the "good guy". You see it all the time in pubs and clubs. Its the loud mouth idiot who would sooner tell them to f off that lands the girl.

I am not saying that this is aways the case. You are bound to meet somebody eventually. Just don't try to hard and they will come to you!

Cathmandooo

Not all girls avoid the good guy! It's the opposite with my girls anyway!

I know how frustrating it can be thinking 'why havent I met someone, what's wrong with me, etc'. Point is there's probably nothing wrong with you. You're just not going to the right places to meet girls, it's actually very difficult. I bet if you think through how couples you know met it's generally through school / college / work or mutual friends.

Try getting your friends to invite you out with their work colleagues or with their partners friends. Hang in there anyway (I hate saying that though). Your princess will turn up dont worry

MayMay

Out of interest how long have you been on the sites? Give it time.

girlwitcurls

what sites re you on and what have you written on your profile?

moco

This whole thing about girls not going for good guys is rubbish in my opinion.

the dee

I like nice guys but I'd be wary of meeting anyone over the internet. I know of some stories of people meeting this way but most the people I know would never meet someone from a dating site.

LegacyUser

I've tried match and anotherfriend. Here's what I wrote on my profile-
Hi, my name is ****. I'm 26, and I live in Dublin. I'm pretty laid back but can also be serious when needs be! I enjoy a laugh and a good time just as much as anyone else, and will head out for a wild time on the town, but I'm just as happy sitting in for a vid or a dinner with friends. I'm open minded, so I'm willing to give anything a shot! Heading away, both home and abroad are always great, and I intend to see as much of the world as I can! When it comes to what I'm looking for, someone who'll try anything and lives to have a good time! The rest will fall into place!

I know it's probably not the most devastating intro, but it's honest. Perhaps I should have lied. Seems that's all that people want these days! (I'm kidding!)

Dudess

OP, it's a cliché but why don't you stop trying to find a girl and just relax and let her find you? Seriously, at 26 you shouldn't be so pre-occupied with relationships. It's quite unusual for a 26-year-old lad, more something I'd associate with a 30-something woman!
You're too young to be wasting your time and energy on this one thing - seems like it's becoming a bit of an obsession. Please just enjoy yourself - get out there, have fun, stop worrying. And learn to love yourself too - because when you're happy within yourself, it radiates outwards and others will be attracted to you for that.

milli

the dee wrote: »

I like nice guys but I'd be wary of meeting anyone over the internet. I know of some stories of people meeting this way but most the people I know would never meet someone from a dating site.

Sounds like small-mindedness if you ask me. Once you keep your wits about you internet dating can be a very successful way of meeting people.

OP, try and be as patient as you can, it can take some time for things to fall into place. At least a month anyway.

MayMay

I met the most wonderful guy from a dating site. As have some of my friends. Best thing I've ever done, I'm very happy. Have patience with it OP. It takes time.

newestUser

Maybe you don't come across well in an internet dating profile. If that's the worst of your problems, count yourself lucky.

Don't feel entitled to responses if you go on a dating site. And while I don't agree with the 'girls don't go for nice guys' argument, there's something about people who 'announce' they're nice. I dunno, if you came here and said:

AnyPointAnyMore wrote: »

I tried internet dating, and I didn't even get any responses! I'm disappointed, feel rejected and my already shaky confidence has taken a bit of a battering.

I'd think 'poor guy, he tried something new, didn't work out for him, but hey, life's like that sometimes, we should remind him about that, maybe ask him to put up sections of his profile so we can give him our opinions about it.'

However when you say:

AnyPointAnyMore wrote: »

Put myself out there, was friendly, positive, and upbeat. Yet, I've gotten nothing. Not a sausage! Now, I'm a really good guy, I'm told. 26, good natured, friendly, witty, and not unpleasant on the eye. Yet after all this, well, being ignored, not even a 'no thanks' or, hell, even a 'to hell with you, weirdo' (!) I've given up. I cant even get a response on the net, so I figure what the hell's the point in trying anywhere any more. I know I shouldn't take it personally, but with a picture up and everything, you cant help thinking there's something wrong with you.

you come across as an insecure quitter with a sense of entitlement.

I'm not saying you are this, it's just how you come across. And I'll bet you didn't intend to come across like that, but honestly, that's the impression I formed of you from your post. Along a similar vein of thought, maybe you're not paying close enough attention to how you come across in your profile or emails? Maybe you think that the women on the site are all desperate (otherwise why would they be on the site, eh?) and are bound to reply to you/message you, so there's no need to put any effort into how your profile portrays you?

I'm seriously jumping to conclusions here, so apologies for any offence caused, I'm only going on your short post. Best thing to do is put sections of your profile up for peer review, if you ask me.

LegacyUser

Dudess wrote: »

OP, it's a cliché but why don't you stop trying to find a girl and just relax and let her find you? Seriously, at 26 you shouldn't be so pre-occupied with relationships. It's quite unusual for a 26-year-old lad, more something I'd associate with a 30-something woman!
You're too young to be wasting your time and energy on this one thing - seems like it's becoming a bit of an obsession. Please just enjoy yourself - get out there, have fun, stop worrying. And learn to love yourself too - because when you're happy within yourself, it radiates outwards and others will be attracted to you for that.

Yeah, I guess you're right. I just know a bunch of friends who are all married and having kids at 28-29, and I keep fretting that I'm missing out or something. It's just been a few years since I had a proper relationship and I sometimes think there's something wrong with me. Just need to cop on.

Megatron091

Have to agree with PY2006 to a certain extent not so much that a good guy cant find a girl but the the most out going(loud mouth) of the group generally attracts the most attention not from all girls but the majority..

Also Dudess makes a very valid point you can try too hard some times just relax and worry about having fun and the girls will follow..:)

newestUser

Megatron091 wrote: »

Have to agree with PY2006 to a certain extent not so much that a good guy cant find a girl but the the most out going(loud mouth) of the group generally attracts the most attention not from all girls but the majority..

Also Dudess makes a very valid point you can try too hard some times just relax and worry about having fun and the girls will follow..:)

Girls are attracted to loud-mouths?

JohnnyBravo

Witty loud Mouths

newestUser

JohnnyBravo wrote: »

Witty loud Mouths

Some girls prefer quiter, more reserved types.

Can we not start saying things along the lines of 'girls like X'. They're people, not algebra!

Riskymove

the dee wrote: »

I like nice guys but I'd be wary of meeting anyone over the internet. I know of some stories of people meeting this way but most the people I know would never meet someone from a dating site.

I always like this one...


....I wouldn't meet some guy off a dating site....I'd rather pull some random stranger when drunk and wander off with him at 3 a.m. on my own!!

radioactiveman

Well i dunno you can only be yourself, a big problem with those sites is that you get people that are only there for the chat, which can be annoying if you get... 1 response every 2 weeks, then they stop writing. regardless of whether you're a cocky fecker or not! it can be a very drawn out process
It's not abnormal to want to have a girlfriend if you've been looking for ages.. you have to do something they're not going to come up and knock on your door!

Megatron091

I never said they attracted girls i said they attract the most attention whether it be good or bad attention it means they have the oppertunity to approach/initiate conversation with that girl..

newestUser

Riskymove wrote: »

I always like this one...


....I wouldn't meet some guy off a dating site....I'd rather pull some random stranger when drunk and wander off with him at 3 a.m. on my own!!

Ah ffs dude, she said nothing like that!

sobriquet

Megatron091 wrote: »

I never said they attracted girls i said they attract the most attention whether it be good or bad attention it means they have the oppertunity to approach/initiate conversation with that girl..

This thing about 'good guys' getting short shrift (py2006s' post too) irritates me. We all have the opportunity to approach women. Being passive aggressive and kinda-sorta making a pass at someone just isn't going to endear you to them. Those outgoing loud mouths are at least confident, but you don't need to be a loud mouth to be confident and self possessed.

Tbh OP, I'd take newestUsers' advice on board, your post read like that (insecure and entitled) to me too on first glance.

Riskymove

newestUser wrote: »

Ah ffs dude, she said nothing like that!

I know she didn't...I said it....just an observation on how different people see different situations well, differently!:D

I see no reason to be more "wary" of someone on a dating site as to someone you meet in a pub/club or any other venue

star-pants

Hey OP - as others have said don't give up!
I'm 24 and feel the same as you, all I want is someone I can care about.
I have to hope that things do come around - I know it probably seems like everyone else is managing to find someone/ is happy but your time will come. It won't until you're ready / let it. IF you force it, it won't happen. (I know this sounds like crap but it seems to be fairly true)
I know how frustrating it must seem, I personally amn't fond of being single, I don't do the 'have fun being single' thing, I'd prefer to have someone but I know I just have to wait.

Don't lose hope - if you're a decent guy the girl that finds you will be very lucky

Wibbs

moco wrote: »

This whole thing about girls not going for good guys is rubbish in my opinion.

It depends on the definition of "good guys". Often what women will want and expect from a good guy is different to what men who consider themselves good guys put out. Also what they say(or even think) they want is not always what they go for. Most guys who describe themselves as nice guys are doormats waiting to happen. They put themselves in the friendzone before they have a hope of anything else. Then they wait around hoping the object of their affection will change her mind. Never gonna happen, or at least very very rarely. The loud mouth of the group may get more women simply because he asks more, and has social confidence enough to do so. He places a higher value on himself and hence so do others, male and female.

I wrote this in a recent post where a guy asked about always being the nice guy/friend;

All things being equal and let's say that when they meet you first they like the look of you. Then you end up as friends? Basically because from the get go you're acting like a "friend" not a potential lover/partner. You're telling them that you want to be their friend and actually making it difficult for them to see you as anything else. It's not the woman's fault it's yours.

Also putting the woman on a pedestal early on will end in failure. Thinking and showing her that you think she's the only one for you will generally turn her off at the early stages. It's an uncomfortable place for her and will do you no good. It's an unequal start and that's no way to start a relationship. Best case scenario you'll be her ego boost and you can't blame her either. You do all the chasing and she'll lose respect for you in a subtle way and without respect she'll like you but will not be "in love" with you. That's when you get the "let's be friends" speech.

The "friendly" guy when faced with this problem often redoubles his efforts to win her heart. That makes things worse, not better. What you're then telling her is that you're emotionally weak and not happy enough with yourself and think she's the only woman for you. Not good. Think about it from her side. She's just rejected this guy and the guy takes it and stays around. Would you find that attractive in someone?

You're telling her that your feelings don't matter and that you'll hang around waiting for her to change her mind and you'll be prepared to take less than what you want in the vain hope she'll see how great you are. Never gonna happen. Again she'll naturally lose respect for you, as you're acting like you have none for yourself and without respect she's not going to fancy you. Simple as.

This can happen even if the relationship gets going. If down the line you take everything she throws at you because you think she's the "one", then sooner or later she will leave. In fact her behaviour may get much worse than she would normally be, because she's frustrated at your passivity and is playing into that. At that point you'll get the "lost the spark" speech and you're back to friendzone again, while she gets attracted to someone who has respect for themselves and goes of with him.

Again the friendzone type guy tries to win her back. This will drive her even further away as she's rejected you in the biggest way possible, yet you still take it. Observe the thread here with the guy who dumped and walked away from a long term partner who he feels is cheating on him. I guarantee she respects him for that. I also would not be surprised if she runs after him. Not surprised at all.

In order to avoid all of this, you have to at least act like you have respect for yourself. That means looking for what you want, not settling for less. Women want self respect, emotional stability, confidence and fun in a man. By accepting the friendzone all you'll ever be is fun and not a serious contender for her heart. If you get friendzoned, be nice and respectful to her but move on and let her see that. More to the point actually move on. There are plenty of fish in the sea and more to the point better fish for you.

If you're looking for someone that gives you value, self respect and happiness, without having it in yourself you will be sorely disappointed. That goes for women too.

Now the above is more aimed at when you're talking face to face as opposed to the interweb.

The web based dating stuff is based on a different set of variables than face to face, where personality etc is more in play. There would tend to be more men looking for love so women have a bigger choice. It's also much more visual. If they don't like your photo or you're not photogenic, then it can be game over, even if you have the charisma of Nelson Mandela, the humour of Billy Connelly and the bank balance of Bill Gates. There may also be a natural reticence for someone to trust the internet so they'll tend to take the risk with the more visually appealing if they're going to take the risk at all. There would also still be the stigma attached to someone looking for a partner that way and the kind of men that may use such a method(however wrongfully). All of that adds up.

newestUser makes some good points too. I would also agree with dudess and try and relax. Try and improve on the shyness front as that will hold you back and not just in love. Try to get out more with friends and get involved in more activities too. For a while don't turn down any social event, even if you think you'll be bored. Basically you can't catch fish if you don't go fishing.

Megatron091

What wibbs said i just dont have the time to go into so much detail.. Very relavant points throughout and a good read..

moco

Wibbs wrote: »

It depends on the definition of "good guys". Often what women will want and expect from a good guy is different to what men who consider themselves good guys put out. Also what they say(or even think) they want is not always what they go for. Most guys who describe themselves as nice guys are doormats waiting to happen. They put themselves in the friendzone before they have a hope of anything else. Then they wait around hoping the object of their affection will change her mind. Never gonna happen, or at least very very rarely. The loud mouth of the group may get more women simply because he asks more, and has social confidence enough to do so. He places a higher value on himself and hence so do others, male and female.

I wrote this in a recent post where a guy asked about always being the nice guy/friend;
Now the above is more aimed at when you're talking face to face as opposed to the interweb.

The web based dating stuff is based on a different set of variables than face to face, where personality etc is more in play. There would tend to be more men looking for love so women have a bigger choice. It's also much more visual. If they don't like your photo or you're not photogenic, then it can be game over, even if you have the charisma of Nelson Mandela, the humour of Billy Connelly and the bank balance of Bill Gates. There may also be a natural reticence for someone to trust the internet so they'll tend to take the risk with the more visually appealing if they're going to take the risk at all. There would also still be the stigma attached to someone looking for a partner that way and the kind of men that may use such a method(however wrongfully). All of that adds up.

newestUser makes some good points too. I would also agree with dudess and try and relax. Try and improve on the shyness front as that will hold you back and not just in love. Try to get out more with friends and get involved in more activities too. For a while don't turn down any social event, even if you think you'll be bored. Basically you can't catch fish if you don't go fishing.

I agree with what you're saying, when I say 'good guy' I mean someone who is a genuinely good, kind person. Not a walkover.

Star Lord

OP have you tried contacting the girls on these sites or have you just put your profile up and waited for replies? If you simply wait hoping to get replies you may never hear anything, but if you break the ice first you will have much more success!

Also do you have a photo that (clearly) shows your face on the site? I personally think that if you do it comes across better, as they are not left wondering, and possibly not replying because they fear some kind of internet man troll

Also like a few posters before said, just enjoy yourself, you're in no rush! Have some fun, have some laughs, you may make a few female friends out of it, you may meet someone more, but just go with the flow and take it all as it comes.

Dudess

AnyPointAnyMore wrote: »

Yeah, I guess you're right. I just know a bunch of friends who are all married and having kids at 28-29, and I keep fretting that I'm missing out or something. It's just been a few years since I had a proper relationship and I sometimes think there's something wrong with me. Just need to cop on.

You can't compare yourself to others. And obsessing over finding a partner just because other people are settling down and you don't want to feel left out isn't enough of a reason to obsess. You're making your life a misery trying to find something that (you think) will make you happy - is it really worth that misery? Don't be wasting your young life - you're in your prime, you should be having a bawl. Cherish this time or you'll regret it when you're 10 or 15 years older (and probably married with kids and a mortgage ).
It's also unusual for someone your age to have a good few friends who are married and having kids - even if they are a bit older than you. I personally think they're too young for such commitments, but that's just me...

LegacyUser

Thanks for the replies people. Gave me a lot to think about. For one thing, I just want to clarify, I in no way thought I was entitled to any response from anyone. I don't expect it or resent hearing nothing back, I was just a little disappointed is all. Because I find it hard to approach women when out, I figured internet route would be a much easier method of breaking the ice. It was just made out to me by a friend that you'd get immediate response, and because that didn't happen, I guess I figured 'all's lost.' Silly really.

diamondp

AnyPointAnyMore wrote: »

I've tried match and anotherfriend. Here's what I wrote on my profile-
Hi, my name is ****. I'm 26, and I live in Dublin. I'm pretty laid back but can also be serious when needs be! I enjoy a laugh and a good time just as much as anyone else, and will head out for a wild time on the town, but I'm just as happy sitting in for a vid or a dinner with friends. I'm open minded, so I'm willing to give anything a shot! Heading away, both home and abroad are always great, and I intend to see as much of the world as I can! When it comes to what I'm looking for, someone who'll try anything and lives to have a good time! The rest will fall into place!

I know it's probably not the most devastating intro, but it's honest. Perhaps I should have lied. Seems that's all that people want these days! (I'm kidding!)

Dont think you've to much to worry about if the above is true and honest. Actually if the above is true and honest i must go as i have an add to reply to on anotherfriend and match.haha.

thebiggestjim

newestUser wrote: »

Some girls prefer quiter, more reserved types.

Can we not start saying things along the lines of 'girls like X'. They're people, not algebra!

Ya the kind of girls that won't make the first move, and the guy is too shy/quite and nothing ends up happening.
QED

DawnMc

py2006 wrote: »

There is the problem right there I am afraid! Alot of women simple do not like the "good guy". You see it all the time in pubs and clubs. Its the loud mouth idiot who would sooner tell them to f off that lands the girl.

What a load of codswallop. You evidently know little about women. :rolleyes:

Nevyn

Off topic and unhelpful posts will get you banned from this forum.
Read the charter and abide by the rules while posting.
Have a nice day
Thaedydal.

scoot on

OP have you tried just chatting to people on msg boards like this instead of just trying dating websites? I post on a couple of boards that have regular piss ups and things like that and it's a great way of getting to know people. Whether it's friendships or something else you're looking for it's normally a good laugh.

Dudess

Yeah, good point. And there are the resultant real-life gatherings. OP, why not toddle along to a Boards Beers? I've never been yet and I can't wait til I get the chance to go. They seem like fantastic fun and I feel I'm missing out majorly...

BraziliaNZ

I tried internet dating too. It sucks. None of the good looking girls reply, only the ugly as sin ones. And then none of them want to meet either, they all seem to say "Oh I'm just on here "for a laugh"" and such. So I wouldn't bother with that ****e if I were you.
And why do people say - don't look for it - it will just happen. It might not. Hasn't happened for me in a long time. And maybe it never will again. Who's to say it will?

democrates

Does "willing to give anything a shot!" and "When it comes to what I'm looking for, someone who'll try anything" mean "might like a threesome" or is it nothing to do with sex?

MayMay

Maybe online dating is easier for girls then...

Dudess

BraziliaNZ wrote: »

And why do people say - don't look for it - it will just happen. It might not. Hasn't happened for me in a long time. And maybe it never will again. Who's to say it will?

Nobody. Maybe it won't. But it does happen for most people. That said, your attitude isn't great, so it might be turning people off you.

newestUser

thebiggestjim wrote: »

Ya the kind of girls that won't make the first move, and the guy is too shy/quite and nothing ends up happening.
QED

I know women who go for the shy type, and who aren't afraid of making a move on them. I question the validity of your theory sir.

BraziliaNZ wrote: »

I tried internet dating too. It sucks. None of the good looking girls reply, only the ugly as sin ones. And then none of them want to meet either, they all seem to say "Oh I'm just on here "for a laugh"" and such. So I wouldn't bother with that ****e if I were you.
And why do people say - don't look for it - it will just happen. It might not. Hasn't happened for me in a long time. And maybe it never will again. Who's to say it will?

I agree with Dudess, your attitude could be better BraziliaNZ. You've had a bad run of luck, and you've seemingly just accepted as inevitable that this run will continue indefinitely.

LegacyUser

I've been using internet dating for a couple of years - met loads of men (I'm female) but only sparked with one. Did get one male friend out of it though. The trick is.....

1. you don'[t wait for ppl to contact you - you contact them.
2. you say a bit more than 'how r u?' which is just offputting - i never reply to these, life is too short. Comment on their profile, ask about them. (So many men only talk about themselves!)
3. you don't spend too much time emailling berore you meet them, because otherwise you build up a fantasy person in your head and the real person is always different!
4 don't expect the next personto be perfect, sometimes you need to meet someone a couple of times to get to know them
5 maybe youd be better off making friends with people and getting more relaxed about the whole thing - get involved in interests and hobbies with others. MeetUp has loads of different groups if you're in Dublin

Relax! It'll happen .......eventually.....

I'm not just there for the laugh, but it is enjoyable. I'm self-employed so meet few people through work and all my female friends are either married/divorced and don't know any single men either.

moridin

Looking at the profile you posted, it just screams bland. You've said stuff there that could apply to 90% of the population and/or other guys on the site. If you want people to notice your profile I'd advise you to try injecting a little quirkyness into it... say something unusual rather than "I like tv, eating, drinking, going out, staying in".

Slightly off the beaten track is much more memorable than something that's basically the same as any other profile...

PixelTrawler

AnyPointAnyMore wrote: »

Well I tried the internet dating thing, the big, named sites. Put myself out there, was friendly, positive, and upbeat. Yet, I've gotten nothing. Not a sausage! Now, I'm a really good guy, I'm told. 26, good natured, friendly, witty, and not unpleasant on the eye. However I can be pretty shy too, which is why I tried the internet thing.

Yet after all this, well, being ignored, not even a 'no thanks' or, hell, even a 'to hell with you, weirdo' (!) I've given up. I cant even get a response on the net, so I figure what the hell's the point in trying anywhere any more. I know I shouldn't take it personally, but with a picture up and everything, you cant help thinking there's something wrong with you. I'm not really looking for advice or anything, just looking to vent, I guess.

Thanks for reading. Already feel a modicum better.

I read your post and thought - you know what, now you'll meet someone.

I've tended to meet people when i wasnt looking (and never when i did) - perhaps it was the looking that was the problem:)

Lifes funny like that

MissDefied

Hi OP, maybe I'm way off the mark, but allow me to share my musings with you! As someone who has searched cyberspace in my quest to find undying love, I consider myself to be somewhat of an expert:). I have had various levels of success, having met some complete feckers as well as some lovely fellas. Something struck me about your profile, and I don't mean to be offensive in saying this. If I read yours on a site, I'd deduce that you were just looking for a fairly casual lay!! There's not a lot personal in it. I've read so many profiles of people who mention "being up for anything", and when you get down to the nitty-gritty, they're just looking for sex.

In any case, don't give up...says yer wan who's as single as the day she was born!!

SarahMc

democrates wrote: »

Does "willing to give anything a shot!" and "When it comes to what I'm looking for, someone who'll try anything" mean "might like a threesome" or is it nothing to do with sex?

Also "open-minded" when in a profile is generally not viewed the same way as when used irl, with internet dating, profile is everything. You may need to edit yours!