How to make a tournaments post

Hectorjelly

A lot of the new guys here seem kind of shy about posting tournament hands. Dont be! Ive created this handy guide so you can fit in.


1 Always start out by stating that you are going for the win. Repeat this several times at random through out the post.

2 Dismiss any mention of pot odds as cash game rubbish and accuse anyone using the term of being an egg head who was bullied in school

3 Be sure to narrow your opponents hand to not just one holding, but claim to be 100% sure of each of your opponents card. This is called your "read"

4 remember to check call everything on the river. this is the best way to play marginal hands because you then get to a showdown so which you can then based your read on, which you retrospectively apply to the hand itself. watch jamie gold on hsp to see how tournament professionals handles this important skill

Macspower

who was playign a donkament tonight?

mdwexford

Typical nerdy maths cash player thread imo

nicnicnic

and for the new cash players

1. always speak about how expertly you extracted the maximum value from the river bet although the only way you can know for sure if this is true is if you stack someone.

2. Always speak about turn and river play as if it is some form of spiritual enlightenment that is exclusive to the ring game and doesn't ever occur is any other form of the same game.

3. When playing a tournament always look down your nose at the inferior infidels and when one of them knocks you out blame there nonexistent understanding of the game for your exit constantly repeating the mantra loldnkaments loldonkaments loldonkaments

Requiem4adream

4. bet/fold > check/call. Always. In the rare instances where check/call > bet/fold, there's always the hotline to Lee Jones. "hit the doomswitch god-damn-it!!!!"

5. if in any doubt, remember: fuzzbox or HJ have the right answer. they might for a fee enlighten you. That fee may be monetary or sarcastic ribbing!

6. If cash game players wanted to destroy the loldonkaments they OBV OBV OBV could do so at ease....the rest of us should bow to their infinite mercy at not doing so

StraddleFor6

This could get really good.
Some excellent points so far.

kincsem

7. I put you on that exact hand (after they show it).

ianmc38

8. If your in a tournament and you've to make a +EV call getting more than sufficient pot odds, but you have a strong read your beaten, then ignore EV and odds and fold. That way your tournament life is secured and you can still come first. Leave all that EV and odds crap for the maths heads.

CHIPRIP

Cash game players (online)
1.Fold KK preflop to a fancy nit 3 bet, there is one hand bigger than it
2.Fold QQ preflop for twice the reasons as above
3.Dismiss god and all religeons, as to believe in such inprobabilities is -EV
4.Get quoted by cardshark with a dot or an ass lick.
5.Get knocked out of donkaments early despite ability edge as you forget the +EV of this
8.When posting hand advice look at who posted it 1st, then decide on your reply based on the poster.
Poster based thinking
9.Fail to comprehend how Phil Helmut has 7 bracelets and you will never have a single earring.
10.Post expert hand advice to people on boards sharing your expert knowledge and in doing so educuate the masses to
learn how to think, then lambasse some guy for doing something that is -EV in the long run and fail to see the irony.
11.Get shot in the punk head by Dirty harry, as you know in all probability he shot 6 bullets, despite your feel that there is one bullet left in the gun ,
and in so doing making said persons day and forgetting that death is EV- to the power of infinity. (fail to get this point)
12. Watch little house on the prarie and fail to be moved by Pas plight as he struggles to find Laura a blind school, you emotionless b'stard.
13.Take your laptop into the loo with you and 6 table as you squeeze one out...(you know you do it) then dont wash your hands.
14.Experiece deep vein thrombosis in the comfort of your living room
15. and for Macspower, play online in the hall with your 7 iron close at hand in case some hunchback thieft tries to place his hand in your letterbox and
randomnly grab at items lying near the door.
16.notice that there is no 6, 7,

Sirtoyou

CHIPRIP wrote: »

Cash game players (online)
1.Fold KK preflop to a fancy nit 3 bet, there is one hand bigger than it
2.Fold QQ preflop for twice the reasons as above
3.Dismiss god and all religeons, as to believe in such inprobabilities is -EV
4.Get quoted by cardshark with a dot or an ass lick.
5.Get knocked out of donkaments early despite ability edge as you forget the +EV of this
8.When posting hand advice look at who posted it 1st, then decide on your reply based on the poster.
Poster based thinking
9.Fail to comprehend how Phil Helmut has 7 bracelets and you will never have a single earring.
10.Post expert hand advice to people on boards sharing your expert knowledge and in doing so educuate the masses to
learn how to think, then lambasse some guy for doing something that is -EV in the long run and fail to see the irony.
11.Get shot in the punk head by Dirty harry, as you know in all probability he shot 6 bullets, despite your feel that there is one bullet left in the gun ,
and in so doing making said persons day and forgetting that death is EV- to the power of infinity. (fail to get this point)
12. Watch little house on the prarie and fail to be moved by Pas plight as he struggles to find Laura a blind school, you emotionless b'stard.
13.Take your laptop into the loo with you and 6 table as you squeeze one out...(you know you do it) then dont wash your hands.
14.Experiece deep vein thrombosis in the comfort of your living room
15. and for Macspower, play online in the hall with your 7 iron close at hand in case some hunchback thieft tries to place his hand in your letterbox and
randomnly grab at items lying near the door.
16.notice that there is no 6, 7,

Wow lol.
A welcome new poster for +ev entertainment

pok3rplaya

clearly a gimick

GrangeUtd

always remember to tell people "I put you all in"
this is always the correct manner and etiquette.

bohsman

CHIPRIP wrote: »

Cash game players (online)
1.Fold KK preflop to a fancy nit 3 bet, there is one hand bigger than it
2.Fold QQ preflop for twice the reasons as above
3.Dismiss god and all religeons, as to believe in such inprobabilities is -EV
4.Get quoted by cardshark with a dot or an ass lick.
5.Get knocked out of donkaments early despite ability edge as you forget the +EV of this
8.When posting hand advice look at who posted it 1st, then decide on your reply based on the poster.
Poster based thinking
9.Fail to comprehend how Phil Helmut has 7 bracelets and you will never have a single earring.
10.Post expert hand advice to people on boards sharing your expert knowledge and in doing so educuate the masses to
learn how to think, then lambasse some guy for doing something that is -EV in the long run and fail to see the irony.
11.Get shot in the punk head by Dirty harry, as you know in all probability he shot 6 bullets, despite your feel that there is one bullet left in the gun ,
and in so doing making said persons day and forgetting that death is EV- to the power of infinity. (fail to get this point)
12. Watch little house on the prarie and fail to be moved by Pas plight as he struggles to find Laura a blind school, you emotionless b'stard.
13.Take your laptop into the loo with you and 6 table as you squeeze one out...(you know you do it) then dont wash your hands.
14.Experiece deep vein thrombosis in the comfort of your living room
15. and for Macspower, play online in the hall with your 7 iron close at hand in case some hunchback thieft tries to place his hand in your letterbox and
randomnly grab at items lying near the door.
16.notice that there is no 6, 7,

once a scouser always a scouser.

Hitman Actual

Sirtoyou wrote: »

Wow lol.
A welcome new poster for +ev entertainment

lol, hardly a new poster!

califano

Hectorjelly wrote: »

3 Be sure to narrow your opponents hand to not just one holding, but claim to be 100% sure of each of your opponents card. This is called your "read"

lol
especially if you have JJ facing an all in bet you put the other guy on 1010.

careca

If you make a horrendous call in an online game and suck out on someone, make sure to put the word "misclick" in your HH on the BB thread.

Even if you are losing (or for most posters loosing) your sack, be sure to say you earn "a nice monthly profit" from poker.

Learn to spell.

Samba

Highlight all the tourney wins and boast huge earnings, but always fail to mention your running expenditure for tournament entries.

cardshark202

CHIPRIP wrote: »

Cash game players (online)......

Is this the original Solksjaer or one of your brothers which you claimed to have using your account too?

carfax

cardshark202 wrote: »

Is this the original Solksjaer or one of your brothers which you claimed to have using your account too?

Don't think its Solksjaer but if it is its another brilliant post

Can we get an I.P. check please

RoundTower

this thread was funnier before the emo bits

Ste05

carfax wrote: »

Can we get an I.P. check please

She's clean from the checks I'm able to make...

The_Chopper

Fail to factor in any variables whatsoever when making "+ EV" decisions

CHIPRIP

cardshark202 wrote: »

Is this the original Solksjaer or one of your brothers which you claimed to have using your account too?

Reginald, you gingerhaired dolt.....

Solksjaer will be joining your Saturday football game soon. I'm fat and unfit but I'm really looking forward to it.


Reggie you Veggie!

CHIPRIP

it's amazing, when HJ, Fuzz or one of these guys makes a post, regardless of content, out from the crevices of the overrated come the disciples......It gives me a real LOL hard on......

oh and DOT to that big boys.

Quack Quack, great fold Tony btw.

aodea

wow this thread sucks.

Ste05

I thought this Solskjaer might have been a nice version.. :rolleyes:

Ah well, until the next time Solks, cya around...

Banned (again)

Gholimoli

To tourney heads

1. Make a small raise with AA preflop after 6000 limpers.
Post-flop min reraise and make sure by doing so you put more than half your stack in the middle.
then when your opponent shoves , start to think about it for a while getting 3:1 on the call. then make sure you call when you are drawing to 2 outs and ensure that you say this after wards to your opponent:
“I got you to do exactly what I wanted you to do which is to put your stack in the middle”.


2. Limp UTG with AA, KK then come over the top when some 1 makes a raise.
This will be better played if you go all in as it will make sure the other opponent plays perfectly.

3. Limp, call a raise, and then when you flop a draw keep min betting the pot and calling huge reraises.
This will really confuse your opponent and increases the chances of your draw coming in.

ianmc38

Run hotter than God. Get big donkament score. Acquire ego. Label people who can play poker cash players or maths people. Compare cash and tournaments players results. Lolo lolo proof of the pudding is in the eating init. Obv cash players will refer to this as results based thinking.

Limp JJ UTG. When the button raises, raise about 50% of your stack to see where you stand.

Flushdraw

Gholimoli wrote: »

To tourney heads

1. Make a small raise with AA preflop after 6000 limpers.
Post-flop min reraise and make sure by doing so you put more than half your stack in the middle.
then when your opponent shoves , start to think about it for a while getting 3:1 on the call. then make sure you call when you are drawing to 2 outs and ensure that you say this after wards to your opponent:
“I got you to do exactly what I wanted you to do which is to put your stack in the middle”.


2. Limp UTG with AA, KK then come over the top when some 1 makes a raise.
This will be better played if you go all in as it will make sure the other opponent plays perfectly.

3. Limp, call a raise, and then when you flop a draw keep min betting the pot and calling huge reraises.
This will really confuse your opponent and increases the chances of your draw coming in.

D-

I was expecting better Gholi.....

I think you got tournie heads mixed up with the chief btw

Sweet Zombie Jebus this quack quack thread really has divided people.

Since when did the poker forum turn into a fncking kindergarten?

Grow the fnck up.

Mr.Plough

ianmc38 wrote: »

Limp JJ UTG. When the button raises raise about 50% of your stack to see where you stand.

.

Ste05

Deleted User wrote: »

Sweet Zombie Jebus this quack quack thread really has divided people.

The imaginary "Divide" has existed ALOT longer then the quack quack thread... years and years in fact, probably since this forum was started (and before that on other forums). Certainly as long as I've been posting here anyway.

5starpool

I don't know what side to be on

I'll just patronise all the 2 card specialists maybe despite me playing as much of that as the 4 card stuff lately.

The_Chopper

5starpool wrote: »

I don't know what side to be on

I'll just patronise all the 2 card specialists maybe despite me playing as much of that as the 4 card stuff lately.

Omaha for the win

smurph

Ste05 wrote: »

The imaginary "Divide" has existed ALOT longer then the quack quack thread... years and years in fact, probably since this forum was started (and before that on other forums). Certainly as long as I've been posting here anyway.

Ah I remember back in the day (wheres me horlics) ah there it is

when it was the divide between B&M (Bricks & Mortar) and online, oh the memories,
the rants
the throwing of toys out of the pram
the "I make more money than you playing poker" posts
the "Who the F*u*c*k are you" threads......

Ste05

Oh yeah I forgot about that one too, still exists, except not spoken about as much because the On-liner's won that hands down...

bops

Hectorjelly wrote: »

2 Dismiss any mention of pot odds as cash game rubbish and accuse anyone using the term of being an egg head who was bullied in school

i would like to take the credit for this one plz tks

DeadParrot

The_Chopper wrote: »

Omaha for the win

Ignore advice on ALL threads from the Omaha players.
They are degenerate gamblers and only play because you get twice the cards as holdem. All their queries are how to play AAxx postflop when you know they should have pushed 'allin' pre.

hotspur

Tournament players:
Make posts with roughly 600% more spelling and grammatical mistakes than cash game players, but this isn't because you are semi-literate, your hands are just tired from a long night's taxi driving!

Jippo

hotspur wrote: »

Tournament players:
Make posts with roughly 600% more spelling and grammatical mistakes than cash game players, but this isn't because you are semi-literate, your hands are just tired from a long night's taxi driving!

BURN

nicnicnic

hotspur wrote: »

Tournament players:
Make posts with roughly 600% more spelling and grammatical mistakes than cash game players, but this isn't because you are semi-literate, your hands are just tired from a long night's taxi driving!

I have to disagree here as I am in-fact semi-literate, having left school at 13

MrPillowTalk

hotspur wrote: »

Tournament players:
Make posts with roughly 600% more spelling and grammatical mistakes than cash game players, but this isn't because you are semi-literate, your hands are just tired from a long night's taxi driving!

Lmao wp sir.

Hitman Actual

hotspur wrote: »

Tournament players:
Make posts with roughly 600% more spelling and grammatical mistakes than cash game players, but this isn't because you are semi-literate, your hands are just tired from a long night's taxi driving!

This can't be right. Everyone knows that those mathsy cash game players are more likely to have poor English skills. Leaving Cert results prove this.

nicnicnic

MrPillowTalk wrote: »

Lmao wp sir.

back to your desk you

califano

nicnicnic wrote: »

I have to disagree here as I am in-fact semi-literate, having left school at 13

Is this why you always back 'The top one' or 'the grey one' in the bookies!?.

nicnicnic

rounders123 wrote: »

Is this why you always back 'The top one' or 'the grey one' in the bookies!?.

No, I'd say im at the phd stage in punting tbh but my hand writing was formed through bookie slips rather then in school

mormank

i wonder if there would be any way to find out who is really better????? cash players or tournie players......like having a type of triathlon involving both disciplines...

i currently prefer playin tournies live but week in week out so many donkeys makes final tables and win to think that tournies can really allow the cream to rise to the top.

Ste05

mormank wrote: »

i wonder if there would be any way to find out who is really better????? cash players or tournie players......like having a type of triathlon involving both disciplines...

i currently prefer playin tournies live but week in week out so many donkeys makes final tables and win to think that tournies can really allow the cream to rise to the top.

uh oh??

I'll give you the generic answer from both camps (possibly slightly biased):

Cash Player: Ehh, cash players LDO. Tournaments are won by whoever can flip best, or who can fold the most and not get unlucky when they have a big hand.

Tournament Player: There's alot more going on in a tournament and lots more things you have to pay attention to such as rising blind levels, pay scales and .....[someone fill in the rest, I forget], so yes tournament play is more skillful then boring old Maths and Cash games, and there's more of a need to know when to make a big lay down which Cash players can't do.

Middle Ground: It depends on what sort of game you're talking about? At cash games well obviously Cash players are better, and for tournaments probably tournament players. (God that hurt to write, so I had to put in probably).

So I'm sure you can guess which side of the divide I sit on.

ianmc38

hotspur wrote: »

Tournament players:
Make posts with roughly 600% more spelling and grammatical mistakes than cash game players, but this isn't because you are semi-literate, your hands are just tired from a long night's taxi driving!

lol

LuckyLloyd

This post has been deleted.

DubTony

careca wrote: »

If you make a horrendous call in an online game and suck out on someone, make sure to put the word "misclick" in your HH on the BB thread.

Even if you are losing (or for most posters loosing) your sack, be sure to say you earn "a nice monthly profit" from poker.

Learn to spell.

Try not to lose your sack at the poker table. Leave this carry-on to the privacy of your own bedroom / bathroom / cupboard under the stairs. If you must do it at the poker table make sure you lose it under the table, otherwise the cards get all sticky.

(First post in months and this is all I have to offer. :rolleyes:)