Marriage in trouble

LegacyUser

This will be long so apologies but please bear with me. My husband and I are going through a really bad time at the moment. Suppose a bit of background here. I am 35, he is 30, been together 9 years and married for one.

It all began about 7 months ago. A new bunch of people started working with him ( he would be their boss ). They all got on well together and he started going on nights out with them. I had no problem with this whatsoever, he has a hard job and deserves to have fun. The problem really began when he started staying out all night - not coming home till about 6 or 7 am. On the first couple of occasions I did ask him why he was so late home and he said he went back to the staff house and fell asleep. I accepted this as a valid reason and said nothing. However this pattern continued and it was beginning to annoy me so I thought it was best to talk to him about it. Now please understand, my husband has a very free life ( as do I ) in that we don't ask each other for permission etc to do things we want to do. For example he follows a premiership team and goes to England for the weekend to the majority of the home games and that's ok by me, no questions asked. He also goes out anytime he wants etc, etc. So I kinda hated having to say to him that his recent behaviour was upsetting me but I decided it was best to be open and honest about it to avoid any problems in the future. So, we talked and I was sure he understood my position and that was the end of the matter. But no. As you can guess he continued to do this. I would lie awake at night waiting for him to return home and always it was in the early hours of the morning, pissed. Things between us were becoming more and more strained. We talked again and he said he wasn't happy with our sex life - he felt we should be having more. This would be my fault - no argument from me. So I agreed to make more of an effort in this area and he agreed to stop this out all night stuff.

I kept my end of the bargin and was more sexually active with him and things got better. The on the next staff night out the same thing again. Not home till 6am. By this point I was really upset and angry and growing more and more suspicious of his actions. I got up when he came in and we had a huge row in which he accused me of not wanting him to have any fun.....what can I say - so far off the mark it wasn't funny. That morning I decided to go through his text messages - I know some people will say I had no right etc etc... and I know this but I did it anyway. I discovered a text he had sent to one of the new girls he works with. He sent it whilst walking up the road home ( was timed at 5.50am). The text just said "Goodnight". I know, not evidence of anything but it irked me all the same. I decided to tell him I'd seen it and ask what it meant - trying not to jump to conclusions. He said he didn't remember sending it - which I didn't believe....Why lie?? Later that day he deleted that message, only that one and then changed the pin on his phone.

So a wall of silence descended on the days following this, which has been a pattern throughout. He stays out all night, we fight, we hit days of silence, then I make the first approach to talk, think it's finally sorted then he does it again. Continuous circle for the past 7 months. As this has went on I have tried every approach with him. We have argued, I have tried to explain my feelings to him, I even wrote him a letter to better explain and asked him to do the same as I know he has a hard time talking about his feelings and I thought that might make it easier for him. He did that and again I thought we were working through things at last but no. Thursday night was the last straw for me.

I text him on Wed to ask him when he would be off work as we seriously needed to spend time together. He said he would arrange to be off with me this week. Great. I was working nights so hadn't seen him in a few days. Then on Thur I got a message from him which had been sent on Wed just hours after this, saying he was going out with the guys from work on Thur night and was that ok with me. It wasn't ok with me at all as I was expecting us to spend the night together. He knew I wasn't working yet he didn't ask me to go along which upset me. We had words when he came back to get ready and he then asked me to go but I was stubborn and said no. I was really upset but he went out anyway. So I expected he would come home straight after the pub, given the way things are with us, but by 3am he still wasn't home. I snapped. I got up and packed some of his stuff and drove down to the staff house to tell him he could stay there. When I went to the door one of the girls answered and acted like she didn't know who I was or who I was looking for - and she does know me. One of the lads then appeared and looked all shifty saying he didn't know where he was. I asked could I come in and went into the sitting room and asked. They said he had left hours ago. So I was heading back out when he appears from the back of the house and says to me "Hi honey, are we going home?". I'm thinking what the F*** is going on here and continue walking out the door with him behind me. I set the bag down and say I am going home but he's not. I get into the car, he is at the passengers door waiting to get in and I drive off. When I got home I texted him telling him not to come home as he won't be getting in. He arrives here and starts ringing the doorbell constantly for about 30 minutes all the while bombarding me with texts and ringing the house phone. It was horrible. Next thing he starts kicking in the front door - really aggressive and trying to break the window. I am upstairs in the room crying my eyes out in total fear. I was terrified he was going to break the door down and batter me. He really frightened me. All the while we were arguing by text he said he just wanted to go to bed and to please let him in, so I did. The minute he got in the door he started shouting at me that I was a psycho, a bitch you name it, he called me it. I refused to talk to him and went back to bed. He then knocks the door, all gentle saying was I not gonna let him in to talk. I was so upset and crying and I told him to leave me alone, that this was the end for me.

So the next morning I got up ( after no sleep ) and he had written a letter apologising and begging me to stay and make the marriage work. I told him it was too little too late. I haven't gone because I don't feel I should, I haven't done anything wrong here. I am so confused at the minute. I love my husband but right now I don't know who he is or what's going on here. He says he loves me, he swears he has never cheated but I don't trust him anymore. He has told me so many lies in the recent past I don't trust anything that comes out of his mouth.

So we are again in the silence part of the cycle. I always break this by making the first approach to talk but I don't feel that I should this time. I think he should be making a huge effort at this point to try and save our marriage but he's not. He comes in from work and we sit in silence till I go to bed. I feel like I have been doing all the work here and I'm tired. Emotionally, physically tired. But I am also questioning myself. Have I / am I been too hard on him? Do I expect too much from our marriage? I find that I am having feelings of dislike towards him because of all the pain he finds so easy to put me through. I am so confused right now and just don't know what to do anymore. I have run out of ideas to fix this. I feel we need to talk to sort this but he can't seem to do it - part of me thinks he just doesn't want to.

So I suppose I want an outside looking in opinion. I am not very clear headed at the minute so don't know if my reactions and responses have been the right way to go. If anyone has any opinions or advice I would very much appreciate it. Thanks for reading.

Carrigart Exile

He clearly was at the station house so put aside any hints of weird body language. I wonder if he is reliving his youth again, staying out late hitting the night clubs then back to the station house playing pool, cards, etc till the morning. I wondered if he was having an affair but the need for more sex with you and the fact he was at the station house when you turned up puts some doubt in to that.

With regard to the 'violence', there is nothing more annoying than being locked out of your own home, I guess his anger was at that.

LegacyUser

I agree with what you're saying. But whats really bothering me is his lack of effort or concern to try to sort it. I'm tired of trying - and thinking of giving up. I need something back here

K_P

Hi OP,

Firstly, I don't for a second think you're being too hard on him. It's obvious you're not a clingy sort of wife and him regularly staying out until 7am is ridiculous.

Obviously nobody here can give any definitive answers as to what's going on in your marriage, but there must be something that's making him want to go out with his workmates so much when he knows how much it upsets you. You said he's not great at talking about his feelings so that's probably half the problem right there.

You seem to have fallen into a pattern of communication that's not working for you so if he's serious about wanting to make the marriage work, you should insist on going to marriage counselling. He needs to know that this is a serious problem and you have a lot of issues to work on if your marriage is to work out - his inability to talk about his feelings, unhappiness with your sex life, the way in which you communicate with each other, him starting to show violent tendencies. You have a lot to work through, too much for you to do on your own. But it's not impossible. Good luck.

mikemac

He doesn't seem to be having an affair.
Not if there's a party going on at the house and friends you know are there.
He's just out with friends, it's nothing devious. You could have gone too.

I think you went a bit far locking him out of the house and driving off without him.
He wasn't violent, did you expect him to sleep on the doorstep?

For me to call you "clingy" would be harsh but I do think you were over the top with your reaction

Edit: My post still seems harsh. It's not meant to be but I've read your post and I just disagree with your point of view

SarahSassy

I dont think you are over-reacting 7 months later... He is acting like a single man and not putting his marraige before his social life. We cant tell if he is having an affairs but its obvious he is not putting the work into your marraige... Can I ask a strange question - was it his idea to get married or did that idea come from you?

AARRRGH

Do you have children?

That fact that he has been with you from 21 - 30 would make me worry perhaps he feels he has "missed out" on women or partying or whatever and is trying to make up for it now...

His behaviour is awfully suspicious and immature.

LegacyUser

micmclo wrote: »

He doesn't seem to be having an affair.
Not if there's a party going on at the house and friends you know are there.
He's just out with friends, it's nothing devious. You could have gone too.

I think you went a bit far locking him out of the house and driving off without him.
He wasn't violent, did you expect him to sleep on the doorstep?

For me to call you "clingy" would be harsh but I do think you were over the top with your reaction

Edit: My post still seems harsh. It's not meant to be but I've read your post and I just disagree with your point of view

Fair enough - but the reason I did that was because he didn't seem to be taking on board just how serious this has become. I was trying to make him understand that we are at breaking point over this. I feel that all of this shows a lack of respect for my feelings or our marriage. In so many other ways he is a really great man. He has never been like this before and I don't know what else to do to get him to talk to me. I am really distraught at this stage and afraid that we will never get through it this time.

I know he will read this when he comes home and to be honest I am sick with nerves as to his response - maybe it will help.... who knows?

LegacyUser

SarahSassy wrote: »

I dont think you are over-reacting 7 months later... He is acting like a single man and not putting his marraige before his social life. We cant tell if he is having an affairs but its obvious he is not putting the work into your marraige... Can I ask a strange question - was it his idea to get married or did that idea come from you?

Probably from me if I'm honest.... why?

estar

sorry to hear of your pain

after reading your mail, my initial reactions are that you reacted
as many normal women would. had you done this the first night
he had stayed out, yes that would be an over reaction.
to be fair, you did not try to curb his freedom too much.

while there are always two sides to every story, and i havent
heard his, why he is behaving like this, what is going on his head
one thing is clear to me.

and it is oldfashioned but it is this

married men who have respect for their wives dont stay out
all night unless it is completely impossible for them to get
home any other way. they most certainly dont continue to
do something that they know causes their spouse pain
unless it is completely unreasonable.

wise bosses dont get drunk with their staff, but maintain a
professional distance.

married men should not be texting women at all hours of the night.
if you have friends of the opposite sex you maintain a distance
from them to protect the integrity of your relationship with your
spouse.

with these principles in mind - i see his behaviour as having initiated
the predicament you both find yourselves in right now, although
there are two in a marraige and problems and solutions come from
two people.

both of you have now reached a stage where an intermediary
would really be a good option for you to stop the rows getting too
emotional and deteriorating into - your a b, etc.

these type of rows arent constructive - what you need is to
hammer out the issues together in a neutral environment.
relate offer counselling to couples having problems.

firstly perhaps you could try a holiday or weekend away together
where you discuss things.

personally - and i know this is prob not rational - if a husband did this
to me three times in a row in close succession - he would be
living in seperate accomodation for a while while we worked it out.

i dont share my partner at night time, and neither should you.

LegacyUser

dublindude wrote: »

Do you have children?

That fact that he has been with you from 21 - 30 would make me worry perhaps he feels he has "missed out" on women or partying or whatever and is trying to make up for it now...

His behaviour is awfully suspicious and immature.

No kids yet. We have been trying for a while but that has just been put on hold. Not sleeping in the same room since Thursday - first time since we've been together in fact. I see what you're saying about making up for lost things and I would understand that but he needs to tell me this. I am totally confused because I don't know what he is feeling or thinking but he can't seem to bring himself to tell me

dixiefly

There is a reasonabl;e chance that he was with another woman considering the responses of the others at the party. I dont know what the other posters are talking about when they say they dontb think he is haviig an affair.

He behaviour is off the planet to what is reasonable for any sort of a decent husband to behave.

If you do stay with him he needs to change in a serious serious way and no more of those nights out with colleagues.

acorntoast

I really think the behaviour of the others at the party is very weird. If he's not cheating, is there any chance he could be experimenting with drugs? Doing coke or something?

I think the text business is really odd too. And anything in a relationship which upsets one partner should be discussed and resolved as a couple. He is acting like a teenage son, not a husband. I really agree with the other poster - getting drunk or high with your staff is totally and utterly unprofessional - he is probably putting his job in jeopardy with this behaviour too.

I really hope he does read this - no matter what other circumstances in your relationship or his life are affecting him at the moment he owes you more respect.

Do you think that even discussing the possibility of kids is freaking him out?

Also - I would be really worried about the manipulative behaviour he is exhibiting - kicking a door down is a ridiculous reaction from any adult. But to be able to switch his temper on and off in the particular way that you are describing seems very unhealthy and controlling - as though he will try everything in his emotional tool box until he gets the response he wants.

aidan24326

dixiefly wrote: »

There is a reasonabl;e chance that he was with another woman considering the responses of the others at the party. I dont know what the other posters are talking about when they say they dontb think he is haviig an affair.

He behaviour is off the planet to what is reasonable for any sort of a decent husband to behave.

If you do stay with him he needs to change in a serious serious way and no more of those nights out with colleagues.

Agree with this. 'me&him' you need to ask some questions and be very firm at this stage in telling him that he's at risk of throwing your marriage away. It's difficult to ascertain why he'd be behaving like this. There could be another girl involved but that isn't at all clear from the events you've described. Maybe and maybe not. There's enough there to cause definite suspicion though. Either way you need to do some serious talking and start demanding some answers!

The Sweeper

me&him

First, he's behaving like an ass. There's no denying that. estar is completely correct and it's not old-fashioned to believe that husbands should go home to their wives - it's basic respect. If you're not going to be home, let your partner know in good time, don't persist with the behaviour and when it becomes obvious your partner is upset about it, you certainly shouldn't react by doing it more.

Those aren't the actions of a grown man. They're the actions of a spoilt brat.

Also - and this is very, very important - the poster who tried to justify your husband's actions of kicking the front door and being aggressive and bombarding you with phonecalls and text the night you locked him out - that poster is OUT OF THEIR MIND if they think that's not violent. That is EXTREMELY aggressive behaviour and it is totally and utterly unacceptable. My husband would be lucky to get within 100 yards of me again if he behaved like that - especially if he did it and then tried to tell me it was my fault.

Serious domestic violence is often an escalation of the kind of behaviour you described. As for it being annoying to be locked out of your own house - if your husband was that worried about it he should try COMING HOME once in a while.

You can't have a discussion with someone who won't talk to you, and at the moment your husband is:

1. Behaving inappropriately with his staff, therefore possibly jeopardising his job if something untoward happens.
2. Behaving inappropriately in his marriage by staying out with his staff all night.
3. Displaying aggression and mood swings and an obvious need to "rebel" against something - very teenaged behaviour, and frankly utterly unattractive.
4. Being an uncommunicative arsehole when you try to sort things out with him.
5. Being a total and absolute brat.

You say he'll read this when he gets in and you're worried about it - I say this to him:

Bloke, your wife is so worried about the state of your marraige that she's posted on an internet bulletin board because you've been such an arsehole it's the only place she feels she can get a response.

She describes herself as "sick with nerves" as to what your response will be when you see this.

Sick with nerves. Your wife.

Congratulations. You've behaved like such an arsehole that your wife is now actually, if she'd admit it, a little bit afraid of you. She's afraid you're going to come home, read this, and fly off the handle. She's even afraid deep down that you might belt her around, because of the stunning behaviour on the evening you tried to kick your front door in.

What have you seen when you looked in the mirror lately? Seen a trapped bloke, still young, still good looking, trying to have some fun? Or seen an uncommunicative arsehole whose wife is afraid of him? Even a little bit? Even for a minute? I know blokes who'd die if they thought their parter was physically afraid of them. They'd curl up and die out of sheer shame.

Back to your wife: this can't go on. And you're the only one with the power to get yourself out of this situation, but you're NOT alone. Enlist the help of whoever you need to assist you in an intervention - siblings, parents, friends - and realise you have to spend some time either in counselling or apart before this gets any worse. You can't fix your husband's behaviour. He has to do that himself, and no amount of 'changes' you think you can make to please him will help until he addresses the issues of why he's been such an arsehole in the first place.

Miss Fluff

Poor you. Whether he is cheating or not (and only he knows that) his behaviour is completely unacceptable. He is your husband ffs and has shown you no respect whatsoever. He has been aggressive and has shown a blatant disregard for your feelings or for your marriage. You sure drink/drugs aren't involved here OP? You don't stay up that late playing dominos. First and foremost you need to see a counsellor (if you feel he is worth staying with that is).

Carrigart Exile

minesajackdaniels, where did domestic violence come from, you have escalated a relationship problem to a new level that is, as far as I can read, not there. Just for the record the guy could technically have phoned the guards and had them open the door.

Sounds to me like a classic case of reliving a youth as a single man, something he may currently feel he missed. I suspect part of the new group of staff include a female paying him some flirting attention and he is lapping it up, however, unless he is really desperate to both be caught and lose his job, you do not have an open affair at your place of work.

Miss Fluff

Carrigart Exile, I think MJD's point is that behaviour like that below can escalate or be a prelude to domestic violence.

me&him wrote: »

He arrives here and starts ringing the doorbell constantly for about 30 minutes all the while bombarding me with texts and ringing the house phone. It was horrible. Next thing he starts kicking in the front door - really aggressive and trying to break the window. I am upstairs in the room crying my eyes out in total fear. I was terrified he was going to break the door down and batter me. He really frightened me.

No woman should for a moment think that her husband may be about to "batter" her or should "really frighten" her.

Carrigart Exile

Miss Fluff wrote: »

Carrigart Exile, I think MJD's point is that behaviour like that below can escalate or be a prelude to domestic violence.



No woman should for a moment think that her husband may be about to "batter" her or should "really frighten" her.

She has been with him 9 years, why should she think that? Actually she has screamed at him which is now considered domestic violence if we want to discuss preludes, its very easy to jump to labels.

the_syco

me&him wrote: »

When I went to the door one of the girls answered and acted like she didn't know who I was or who I was looking for - and she does know me. One of the lads then appeared and looked all shifty saying he didn't know where he was. I asked could I come in and went into the sitting room and asked. They said he had left hours ago. So I was heading back out when he appears from the back of the house and says to me "Hi honey, are we going home?".

This sounds more like a teenager caught drinking in his friends house, than a mature innocent man. Suspicious.

me&him wrote: »

It was horrible. Next thing he starts kicking in the front door - really aggressive and trying to break the window. I am upstairs in the room crying my eyes out in total fear. I was terrified he was going to break the door down and batter me. He really frightened me. All the while we were arguing by text he said he just wanted to go to bed and to please let him in, so I did. The minute he got in the door he started shouting at me that I was a psycho, a bitch you name it, he called me it.

No-one should be frightened of their lover. And if they are, that person is no longer their lover. OP, do you have any friends who you could crash on their couch for a few days, to get your head together, as it seems unless he gets his act together, this will be a train wreck.

I agree with the above posters saying that he seems to be trying to relive his youth, but if you're married, then you can't just come in at 7am on a whim.

=-=

Also, how long are you living together? I ask as being with someone, and living with someone are two different things. Were you living together before you got married, and if so, how was he like then?

The Sweeper

CE, spending 30 solid minutes ringing your doorbell and sending text after text while repeatedly ringing the house phone isn't normal behaviour. Aye, a couple of texts, a phone call or two, two or three kicks - that's temper. A SOLID HALF HOUR OF THAT isn't temper, that's persistent, heightened agression and yes, my point is that domestic violence can ESCALATE from a situation like that.

Kicking the door and trying to break the window is bang out of order, frightened the wits out of the OP and in her own words she's now "sick with nerves" over what he'll be like when he reads this thread.

Why is that, do you think?

And whether or not you're with someone for nine years, no woman can be expected to remain calm in the face of 30 minutes of aggression - in fact, the idea that it's out of character is even worse. She feels like she doesn't know him at all.

There's no justification for that - I don't give a monkey's if you think she screamed at him first, because "she winds me up" isn't a justification for that behaviour.

She shouldn't have screamed at him. He shouldn't have spend half an hour ringing her and texting her, ignoring her when she told him she didn't want to talk to him and then trying to kick the door down and break the window.

And I think you'll find, if she's phoned the guards, their response wouldn't have been "ah sure let him in missus, it's his house like".

Carrigart Exile

Minesajackdaniels wrote: »

CE, spending 30 solid minutes ringing your doorbell and sending text after text while repeatedly ringing the house phone isn't normal behaviour. Aye, a couple of texts, a phone call or two, two or three kicks - that's temper. A SOLID HALF HOUR OF THAT isn't temper, that's persistent, heightened agression and yes, my point is that domestic violence can ESCALATE from a situation like that.

Kicking the door and trying to break the window is bang out of order, frightened the wits out of the OP and in her own words she's now "sick with nerves" over what he'll be like when he reads this thread.

Why is that, do you think?

And whether or not you're with someone for nine years, no woman can be expected to remain calm in the face of 30 minutes of aggression - in fact, the idea that it's out of character is even worse. She feels like she doesn't know him at all.

There's no justification for that - I don't give a monkey's if you think she screamed at him first, because "she winds me up" isn't a justification for that behaviour.

She shouldn't have screamed at him. He shouldn't have spend half an hour ringing her and texting her, ignoring her when she told him she didn't want to talk to him and then trying to kick the door down and break the window.

And I think you'll find, if she's phoned the guards, their response wouldn't have been "ah sure let him in missus, it's his house like".

This is going off on a tangent, sorry OP. The corollory to your point (MJD) is that for 30 scary minutes he was locked out of his own house in the middle of the night by the OP on some power trip...........okay that is an extreme interpretation, but so is your extrapolation. If you had read my point, I stated that HE should have phoned the Guards who would have rightly stated he had right of access to his own house. And, what behaviour is it of his that you see so abhorent that is not mirrored by the OPs behaviour, they both screamed at each other yet you see a victim and of course a male thug.

OP I do so hope you can resolve things, it sounds as tho' you had a great marraige which is probably suffering from outside interference (no responsibility single lads and flirty single girls) and if your husband does read this he sees what he is losing and bucks up his ideas.

Beruthiel

Wow OP, you poor thing, I cannot for the life of me understand how you managed to live with that for seven months (I guess you had to try to save your marriage)

I'm not at all surprised that you snapped and gave him his marching orders.
You reached out, many times, he was having none of it due to his utterly selfish, me first, dickhead attitude.

This all happened once he got in with this crowd, so it's either he's into drugs now or he's found himself a bit on the side, nobody changes that radically in such a short space of time without a damn good reason for it.

You marry someone because you love them, you love them enough not to hurt them on a regular basis and when they wish to talk to you, you love them enough to listen.

As majd said, if he's not prepared to fix this himself, then there's nothing you can do to make him. You've tried that already, it clearly hasn't worked.

I'm not going to tell you dump his ass, that will be your decision in the end.
But if he continues like this, then you'd be happier single and divorced, life is way to short to be married to a waste of space. You deserve so much better.
I hope it works out for you, I really do.

dame

Beruthiel wrote: »

This all happened once he got in with this crowd, so it's either he's into drugs now or he's found himself a bit on the side, nobody changes that radically in such a short space of time without a damn good reason for it.

Possibly hit the nail on the head there Beruthiel. Could also explain the uncharacteristic agression.

siochain

acorntoast wrote: »

I really think the behavior of the others at the party is very weird. If he's not cheating, is there any chance he could be experimenting with drugs? Doing coke or something?

Miss Fluff wrote: »

You sure drink/drugs aren't involved here OP? You don't stay up that late playing dominos.

I really think there is strong possibility that coke could be involved here.

Carrigart Exile wrote: »

She has been with him 9 years, why should she think that?

Coke would easily explain the change in behavior after 9 years. The husband is bullying and using aggressive violent behavior towards his wife, FACT.

LegacyUser

Thanks to everyone for your replies. I think a very bad picture is emerging here of him as some violent aggressive man - which I have to state he is not - not at all. I certainly wouldn't stay and fight so hard to be with him if he was. Yes he was aggressive that night and I was truly frightened of him but it was also out of character and he immediately apologized the next day.

As regards this other girl there has been a couple of other things which are making me suspicious. Recently when the football internationals were on I was at work. The match was on during the afternoon and I asked him was he gonna go to the pub with a male friend of ours to watch it. He said no as the friend would be working, he would watch it at home. On the day on question I had text him a few times about the match and he gave me the distinct impression that he was at home. However the following weekend our male friend made a casual comment to me about seeing him in the pub that day watching the football with yer woman and another girl - I asked him about it and he said he thought I would take it the wrong way - bull**** in my opinion. Out and out lie and deception. Why the need for this if there is nothing to hide?

Then about a week after this my friend told me that he had seen him in a car with this girl driving up the road - he begged me not to jump to conclusions but just thought I should be aware of it. That night when I asked him about it he said nothing was going on that she was just driving him home ( lives in the opposite direction ). He was saying one thing to me but the look on his face was one of utter guilt. I nearly got sick looking at him. Before when he said nothing was going on I believed him because I felt his face would give him away in a lie....and now here it was, looking right back at me. He swears he hasn't cheated but I don't believe him anymore - not after that.

It also turns out that while I have been at work on night shifts he has been out partying with these people, yet I have been blissfully unaware thinking he is at home alone, even feeling sorry for him. God I feel like such a fool.

I have zero trust in him now. Someone brought up the issue of drugs. There has most probably been "smoking" happening but I smoke myself so I can't condemn him for that - purely recreational if you know what I mean.
As for us living together it has been that way since pretty much the start. So new living arrangements are not the issue.
The panic of having children is also not the issue - he wants a child - very important to him.
As for someone elses suggestion that I gather family support etc that's not easy. My family are all at least a 2 hour drive from me - I basically have no one around me here apart from another couple who have been fantastic to me and very supportive - we were all good friends but my husband even seems to have drifted away from them too. I did consider talking to his sister or parents as they are close by but I'm not sure I want to involve them in it
When he came home last night I told him I'd posted here. He was gonna see it anyway as he lives on this site. He read what I'd said and the responses that were up at that point. He took the suggestion about counseling and asked should we do that. I don't know what I want to do. This whole thing is affecting me really badly and I feel close to the edge - can't stop crying, haven't slept for days, just so tired of it all. Don't know if I can ever trust him again and without that where are we?

meditraitor

The prevoius 3 posts would cover my opinions from your telling of this situation.
Drugs or an affair is what comes to mind straight away, anyway I hope it s neither and you's sort things out as it sounds like everything was sweet before this 7 month period...

LegacyUser

meditraitor wrote: »

it sounds like everything was sweet before this 7 month period...

It really was - that's why it hurts so much. I mean of course we had our ups and downs as any normal couple do but we have always been able to talk and resolve things. Something has shifted in him but he won't or can't tell me what......

How Strange

I agree with the recent posts - he could have gotten involved with a woman at work or started taking cocaine. The cocaine would explain why everyone was acting weird when the OP called around to the house. It would also explain his aggressive behaviour.

Hyzepher

My opinion is that he is having an affair - I've seen all this before and I would say it's 100%

If you are serious about keeping your marraige I would contact his work and have a chat with them about this "staff house" and what goes on. I would also ask him to consider changing jobs (if possible). No work or "friends" should be as important as you and since they are coming between the two of you it looks like its either he gets rid of them or you get rid of him.

If you are uncertain about whether he is cheating or not, follow him one night. pertend you are working when you aren't and see what he gets up to. I'm sure he'll be wise to this but I fear he is in too deep to try and stop his behaviour now.

padser

Right just to re cap on exactly what happened.

He started going out with some new friends and staying out late at night. You didn't like this and started giving him hassle over it.

You read his phone and his text messages and discovered he had sent a text message saying 'GOODNIGHT' to a girl. You told him you read his messages and then you're surprised that he changed his pin. (Also I really don't see how him deleting a message you have already seen is incriminating - considering he knows you have seen it - or indeed how Goodnight in itself is incriminating).

Now you get really upset and really start to hassle him over the staying out late and go so far as to go down and confront him while he is relaxing with his friends. And then you lock him out of his own house.

Finding himself locked out of his own house he (somewhat unsurprisingly) gets annoyed and a) tries to break in b) sends you text messages and c) rings the house phone. Not exactly an extreme response on his part.

And finally he goes down and watches a match with 2 female friends in a pub frequented by mutual friends of yourself and himself and doesn't tell you about fearing you would freak. (not exactly an unfair assumption on his part considering how you responded to the text message saying 'goodnight').

And finally he actually went and accepted a life from a female co worker.

I think I have hit most of the highlights of the story and to be honset I can't see that this poor chap has done too much wrong.

You on the other hand seem to have completely over re-acted and be acting extremely clingy and needy etc.

I think you should remember that it's his life. If he wants to go down to his local for a couple of quiet pints with his mates (as you seem to suggest you are OK with) then thats fine. But also if he wants to stay out for a little longer and have some craic its his choice - not yours. He is not a child and you are not his minder.

How Strange

To Padser.... there is always one!

OP, I'd disregard everything that Padser has said. I think he is missing the fact that you are recently married and his behaviour has been extremely out of character since starting a new job.

LegacyUser

padser wrote: »

Right just to re cap on exactly what happened.

He started going out with some new friends and staying out late at night. You didn't like this and started giving him hassle over it.

You read his phone and his text messages and discovered he had sent a text message saying 'GOODNIGHT' to a girl. You told him you read his messages and then you're surprised that he changed his pin. (Also I really don't see how him deleting a message you have already seen is incriminating - considering he knows you have seen it - or indeed how Goodnight in itself is incriminating).

Now you get really upset and really start to hassle him over the staying out late and go so far as to go down and confront him while he is relaxing with his friends. And then you lock him out of his own house.

Finding himself locked out of his own house he (somewhat unsurprisingly) gets annoyed and a) tries to break in b) sends you text messages and c) rings the house phone. Not exactly an extreme response on his part.

And finally he goes down and watches a match with 2 female friends in a pub frequented by mutual friends of yourself and himself and doesn't tell you about fearing you would freak. (not exactly an unfair assumption on his part considering how you responded to the text message saying 'goodnight').

And finally he actually went and accepted a life from a female co worker.

I think I have hit most of the highlights of the story and to be honset I can't see that this poor chap has done too much wrong.

You on the other hand seem to have completely over re-acted and be acting extremely clingy and needy etc.

I think you should remember that it's his life. If he wants to go down to his local for a couple of quiet pints with his mates (as you seem to suggest you are OK with) then thats fine. But also if he wants to stay out for a little longer and have some craic its his choice - not yours. He is not a child and you are not his minder.

Have you not read the parts where I have stated that I have tried to resolve this by talking to my husband? You are saying that I have hasseled him and make me sound like a right naggy wife - which I am not at all. I think I have been more than fair to him about all this...I do understand that he has the right to live as he sees fit but should that be to the point where it is destructive to our relationship? You think I am clingy - if fighting to keep my husband, the man I love and to honour our commitment to each other is clingy then yes I am. But I won't apologize for that. I took my vows seriously when I made them.

Sometimes in life you have to make choices and sacrifices that are hard but you do them because you love the other person - if he wants that life then fine - but don't drag me through hell in the process of getting it. If you think he is not at fault here I now thank God that I am with him rather than you. Even he can see that he has behaved like an ass and treated me badly.....

Beruthiel

padser
Did you completely miss the point where she has been with him for years, everything was perfect, but within a short space of time his character has completely changed?

Something tells me you haven't actually read everything the OP has said correctly and are in fact projecting.

LegacyUser

i think padser is actually her husband..would i be correct?

dudara

Please people, don't speculate.

LegacyUser

phillooG wrote: »

i think padser is actually her husband..would i be correct?

Just to clarify - no.

IRISH RAIL

She may not be his minder but she is HIS WIFE does that not stand for anything anymore ?

op I think when the trust is gone theres no point in sticking around
I tried it for seven months and it just made my life hell

Beruthiel

me&him wrote: »

Don't know if I can ever trust him again and without that where are we?

You're no where.
For me personally, no trust is a deal breaker. Once that's gone the relationship is over because I would never be able to 100% get it back, it would eventually kill whatever was left of the relationship.
Some people can forgive and forget, I'm not one of them.
Do you know yourself that well? What's your gut telling you?
Go away somewhere by yourself for a few days, think things over, look within and make a decision.
I wish you the best.

*Lees*

Beruthiel wrote: »

You're no where.
For me personally, no trust is a deal breaker. Once that's gone the relationship is over because I would never be able to 100% get it back, it would eventually kill whatever was left of the relationship.
Some people can forgive and forget, I'm not one of them.
Do you know yourself that well? What's your gut telling you?
Go away somewhere by yourself for a few days, think things over, look within and make a decision.
I wish you the best.

+ 1

I think once someone actually breaks the trust you will forever be wondering if they could do it again therefore never trusting them fully again. I hope things work out for you whatever you decide to do.

dudara

Trust can be rebuilt, but only after honesty. And I mean gut-wrenching painful honesty.

And the OP is clearly not getting that. Whatever is happening, she must at least be told the truth. What she chooses to do then is her business.

Unfortunately, it really does sound to me as if he is playing away from home. But it could take ages for him to admit it.

How Strange

OP, we can all say that we would put up with X, Y or Z if we were in your position but only you can say what you will or won't put up with in your marriage. Only you know when you have reached your limit of what you can tolerate. If you are influenced by opinions on forums such as this one then you might regret it later.

I'm sure you are at your wits end at the moment. Good luck with whatever you decide to do and I truly hope that you and your husband can work through whatever is causing these problems and overcome them.

LegacyUser

dudara wrote: »

Trust can be rebuilt, but only after honesty. And I mean gut-wrenching painful honesty.

And the OP is clearly not getting that. Whatever is happening, she must at least be told the truth. What she chooses to do then is her business.

Unfortunately, it really does sound to me as if he is playing away from home. But it could take ages for him to admit it.

I totally agree. I begged him last night to just tell me the truth - he insists nothing has happened but I don't believe him - I'm not saying that he has out and out cheated on me but something has happened and until that comes out I feel I can't move on.

How Strange

I'd still lean towards recreational drug use rather than him cheating. If he is hanging out with a new group of colleagues where cocaine is taken by everyone it would explain the behaviour of the colleagues when the OP called around.

OP, I should have said in my previous post, that of course you deserve the truth from your husband aswell as dignity and respect.

romarr

How Strange wrote: »

I'd still lean towards recreational drug use .

I tend to aggree...

OP is this something that you think he would want to hide from you ?

Dalfiatach

Sounds like an early mid-life crisis to me.

I think he's thinking that he got married too young, didn't have the whole 20s living it large thing, maybe didn't want to get married at all, maybe feeling pressurised into having kids that he doesn't want?

I'm not excusing his behaviour at all, staying out all night partying and leaving your wife at home alone is appalling behaviour by anyone's standards. I'm just saying what is probably going through his head.

He may or may not be cheating, but he's almost certainly hoovering up the drink and drugs at these all-night parties. He wants to pretend he's free, single and 18 again.

Unfortunately, either he cops on to the fact that he is a (supposedly) mature adult married man and starts behaving accordingly - and quickly - or this marriage is going nowhere. He has a lot of growing up to do.

LegacyUser

supersnail wrote: »

I tend to aggree...

OP is this something that you think he would want to hide from you ?

I don't know. Maybe. I don't really know these people or what they are into. I have been out in their company maybe twice or three times - they are all foreigners and the industry they work in can have a bit of a "party" social side but I can't see why he would hide something like this from me.

padser

Whether I have read the thread - Yes - every post the OP has written in detail, and scanned over the responses from other posters.

No I am not her husband.

And no I havn't missed the whole point of what she has been saying. I am simply pointing out that some of the OP's responses have been OTT imo.

For example: confronting her husband for sending a message saying 'goodnight' on his way home from being out with friends. Granted it was to a woman but still doesn't justify (if anything can) going through his phone.

People here have appeared shocked that this guy kicked his door trying to get in half an hour? If I was locked out of my house after half an hour I would have broken a window to get in. I don't think kicking a door when you have been locked out of your own home is an inappropriate response.

Minesajackdaniels thinks sending text after text and continiously ringing a house phone and doorbell to try and get someone to let you in for 30 mins is not 'normal behaviour'. I certainly don't think someone needs to go to counselling for it.

I think its really important when people post on PI to remember that we hear (almost always anyway) only one side of the story and its a biased version of events - so when the OP asks whether her responses are appropriate I think people should think long and hard before jumping on the bandwagon of 'you have done nothing wrong - its all his fault'.

Rarely (if ever) in these kind of situations is one party 100% to blame - and giving people advice that further cements their belief that they are completely in the right and that the other person needs to 'Cop on' (Dalfiatach) is not always particularly helpful.

Dalfiatach

padser wrote: »

Rarely (if ever) in these kind of situations is one party 100% to blame - and giving people advice that further cements their belief that they are completely in the right and that the other person needs to 'Cop on' (Dalfiatach) is not always particularly helpful.

Meh. Assuming the gist of the story is true, that he is out partying constantly to 7am while his wife is at home alone, then he does indeed need to cop himself on. He's a married man of 30 supposedly trying for a kid FFS.

LegacyUser

Dalfiatach wrote: »

Meh. Assuming the gist of the story is true, that he is out partying constantly to 7am while his wife is at home alone, then he does indeed need to cop himself on. He's a married man of 30 supposedly trying for a kid FFS.

Thank you. And I know that you are only getting one side here padser but you are entitled to your opinion and as I said before I am thankful I am not married to you if you think this is all acceptable behaviour. Your post is using words like confront making out that I have been on full scale attack - which is not the case at all. Sure I had no right to go through his phone but do I not have the right to some respect and understanding?

As for locking him out I had told him that this would happen if it was continuing so it wasn't a spur of the moment action - he knew it was coming...

Carrigart Exile

me&him wrote: »

I totally agree. I begged him last night to just tell me the truth - he insists nothing has happened but I don't believe him - I'm not saying that he has out and out cheated on me but something has happened and until that comes out I feel I can't move on.

trouble is, unless he tells you something awful has happened you won't believe him