Usual 'Im so sick of being single' Problem

Lux23

Ok here it goes. Im a 25 year old girl with a halfway decent job and alot of new friends. In the past I had a number of breakdowns but with proper treatment I have solved my problems for the most part and i have grown up a hell of alot. Recently I began to feel ready for a realtionship so I began looking around. I have no problem attracting men in a pub, on a club or on the street even but after a couple of dates or when I sleep with them they just go off me. Its always the same thing no matter how long I wait to have sex with them.

I am geniuely happy with who I am and am far more confident then alot of my friends but they all seem to be able to keep a boyfriend I can barely get past the 1st date stage. I had been accused of been clingy by exs in the past so I now really don't want to appear eager at all. Im not cold but I like to show that I am very independent which I am but it seems to be putting them off too. Im know its not a looks thing so my main worry is that because of my former mental illness and subsequent treatment that I have just forgotten how to connect with someone.

I am trying my hardest not to let this get me down but its really beginning to bother me especially since so many friends keep asking me why Im still single. I really feel like a freak.

Darz0re

pics plz!

girliegirl

Maybe the right guy hasnt come along yet. You need to get yourself out of the mentality of "Having to have a boyfriend" and just keep yourself open to meeting interesting people without the pressure of having to hold on to them. Just go with it and eventually you'll find the right guy. It might not be straight away but it will be worth the wait when you do!

Dudess

Lux23 wrote: »

so many friends keep asking me why Im still single. I really feel like a freak.

Good friends won't give you that crap. Ask them if they could show you how to conjure up a boyfriend out of thin air since they're such experts. You're only 25. As for your former mental illness, you really don't have to justify yourself to anyone. I think it's more you defining yourself according to your problems in the past, rather than anyone else.
Try to believe in yourself more and keep telling yourself you've done nothing wrong, you're NOT a freak and you deserve to be happy - currently you hold a lot of self doubt and this is obviously radiating outwards.

Lux23

To be quite honest I don't feel the need to have a boyfriend but I would like one. I haven't had a long term realtionship in over three years but yea maybe I am coming across as desperate.:(

Lux23

Dudess wrote: »

Good friends won't give you that crap. Ask them if they could show you how to conjure up a boyfriend out of thin air since they're such experts.

I think its more that they find it strange that someone like me hasn't been snapped up, most of them don't see any of my negative side or would ever be able to tell that I have these feelings. I am doubting myself alot though, like I am not capable of sustaining a proper realtionship.

Anti

Yeah, pics plz. We might be able to see something you dont.

Lawless_Samurai

Dudess wrote: »

Good friends won't give you that crap. Ask them if they could show you how to conjure up a boyfriend out of thin air since they're such experts. You're only 25. As for your former mental illness, you really don't have to justify yourself to anyone. I think it's more you defining yourself according to your problems in the past, rather than anyone else.
Try to believe in yourself more and keep telling yourself you've done nothing wrong, you're NOT a freak and you deserve to be happy - currently you hold a lot of self doubt and this is obviously radiating outwards.

Second all that

girliegirl

Anti wrote: »

Yeah, pics plz. We might be able to see something you dont.

I really dont think there's any need for that guys, come on

Victor

Anti wrote: »

Yeah, pics plz. We might be able to see something you dont.

Cop on.

Lux23

Ah they mean no harm. I do have one nostril slightly bigger than the other, maybe thats it.:)

anonymousjunkie

cregser

To be honest, my gut reaction is that you might go over the top in trying to appear independant. Ironically that can set off a needy/clingy alarm in a guy too.

Don't be afraid to show a guy that you like him, but at the same time have him see other friends/hobbies/distractions etc. in your life that show him you'd be just as fine without him. But you have to believe it to pull it off. So is your life good enough without a boyfriend? And if not, what are you doing about other than trying to find mr.right?

But the nostril thing really needs sorting.

SEPT 23 1989

dont panic dont rush into anything you are only 25 in five years time you will laugh at the way you are talking now,you sound like a beautiful intelligent woman so there is no need for you dive into a relationship just because of the feeling of being alone that only last for a few seconds.when you are tied down in a relationship you will look back on these times as the best of your life believe me.

*Lees*

cregser wrote: »

To be honest, my gut reaction is that you might go over the top in trying to appear independant. Ironically that can set off a needy/clingy alarm in a guy too.

I agree with this!

I have always noticed that people who are consciously looking for a boyfriend/girlfriend find it much harder to actually find someone!! Just enjoy yourself and stop worrying about it and you will meet the right person!!
I doubt there is anything wrong with you, maybe the people you have met previously just weren't right for you.. in which case you are lucky that they didn't last!:)

Anti

You cop on ! ya muppet. It was a joke.

Nevyn

Anti 2 week ban for unhelpful, off topic posting and trying to derail the thread by questionig a mod action in the thread.

Blackpitts

Hey Lux
I think that you haven't found the right guy yet, but if you are OK with yourself I'm sure you are pretty close to find one.
Don't be bothered about people running away due to your past problems, they are just insecure and not strong enough to cope with these things..they are not a big loss because you are looking for a guy who u can rely on, aren't you?
My last gf had a breakdown (due to familiy problems etc...)before to meet me but it was not a problem for me, we got along very well (It ended for other reasons tho). My point is that the right guy will look at you like "the girl I want to spend the life with" and not "the girl with troubles in her past".
Be patient and smile...we boys are always attracted to smiling girls!

randombar

1 - Your friends should be setting you up with their boyfriends friend (Usually a goldmine)

2 - Spend time getting to know loads of people, nothing really wrong with a lot of first dates!

3 - Let the guys do ALL the chasing, let them text you etc etc, hard to get is childish but has worked since the danw of time!

biko

Internet dating?
Boys in pubs/clubs usually only have one thing in mind then (I know I do ) whereas on a date site you can cultivate the relationship better before committing to sex.

Lux23

No I won't do internet dating, have in the past and it just never worked.

Nevyn

Well come to a bards beers and meet some new people, there are a few boards events planned and who knows.

Blackpitts

Lux23 wrote: »

No I won't do internet dating, have in the past and it just never worked.

do you go clubbing? did you try to join a gym or a salsa club or else?

Lux23

Oh I do all sorts. I volunteer for the simon community and I have a season ticket for leinster so I meet loads of people through there. I dunno I guess I am just trying too hard, i will just relax and see what happens.

I might pop along to one your meets, I have been to drinks with a couple of other sites and they were fun so maybe I will try and go to your one.

Blackpitts

then I have a question for you.
We are at the Leinster match and we are sitting very close, I notice that you are very pretty , so I can't resist and I come to you with a stupid question ("hi, so...what do u think about the match?")...
would you cut me off? would you think I just want to score with you? or would you chat to me to see if i'm a nice guy?

I'm not flirting here, I just want to see which is your attitude towards boys....
as a guy, i can tell that many girls complain about being single but they are almost impossible to approach without a f**k off right in your face after the first question..

Lux23

If I fancy you I would be quite welcoming but I guess if I didn't and you didn't get the message straight away then I may be a bit rude. I try to be as nice as possible though.

Blackpitts

cool, nice answer!
I'm sure u'll find the right guy soon

p.s. see u at the next match

Dragan

Lux23 wrote: »

To be quite honest I don't feel the need to have a boyfriend but I would like one. I haven't had a long term realtionship in over three years but yea maybe I am coming across as desperate.:(

I didn't read the whole thread as i am a bit pushed for time so sorry if this has already been said but just be yourself?

I wouldn't hold the words or opinions of you ex's too highly to be honest, one persons clingy is another persons caring and all that.

Just be yourself and you'll meet the right guy.

Dudess

Seconded. And HAVE CONFIDENCE!!! Keep telling yourself "I deserve a loving relationship". I don't think you realise you do!

Lux23

Dudess wrote: »

Seconded. And HAVE CONFIDENCE!!! Keep telling yourself "I deserve a loving relationship". I don't think you realise you do!

Your right I do sometimes feel like I haven't got what other women have that manage to have nice boyfriends. Like what is it that some people are always in a realtionship and I have never had one that lasted longer then 3 months.

Dragan

Lux23 wrote: »

Your right I do sometimes feel like I haven't got what other women have that manage to have nice boyfriends. Like what is it that some people are always in a realtionship and I have never had one that lasted longer then 3 months.

Don't stress about other people so much. We only see what people want us to see. How many of us really know when others are happy? I know for a fact that when one of my long term relationships ended ( about 3 years ) people were shocked, the usual "Wow, i never saw that coming stuff"....the reason they never saw it coming is because i never let them.... my relationship was my own business.

Anyways, don't stress it so much, you'd never know, Mr Right could be just around the corner.

OP, Im 23 yr old guy (well 23 this weekend, everybody say happy birthday jk) single guy and I get a constant stream of crap from girls Im friends with as to why i dont have a girlfriend! I had a 3yr gf and straight after went out withoanother girl and Ive been single for all of 9 months and Im gettin that crap!! I think its funny, people these days seem obsessed with having a partner/settling down/getting married. there seems to be almost a social stigma against single people!! One girl i know is obsessed with thee idea of getting married to the point where I wouldnt be suprised if she marries the first guy she gets her hands on. IMO u need to relax and just focus on enjoying your life and not worry about this.

A few things to remember, most people at our age (you are only 2 yrs older than me) are living life at 100mph and have barely any time to themselves nevermind keepin a partner, I know thats been the case for me recently anyway. Ive seen relationships of friends of mine go balls up for the same reason. So bein single at this stage of your life is normal. Look at it this way, at least u have the freedom to do whatever u want whenever u want.

Have u ever noticed that its when u arent expecting it that someone comes along!? Maybe u should just chillax and just focus on enjoying yourself and makin sure that u get out and mingle with people. U should have no trouble meeting the right person then.


As for the getting approached at a rugby match or wherever, Im pretty uninhibited, i can talk to anyone and in the past had no trouble approachin girls in settings other than nightclubs but have found that the majority of the time they look at u like you're some kind of freak for havin the balls to chat them up. (its not cos im ugly, cos im not...seriously!) So i just dont bother anymore, I dont need the hassle.I did it in the summer with girls from Australia and a few other places and they were much cooler and willing to chat with you. Irish girls seem to have an attitude that says man repellant.

PS - The whole "showing that you're independant thing", have u ever considered that u might be going too far to the opposite extreme and making them think that you arent that keen? I was seein a girl a while ago that was like that and I just stopped textin her. Ran into her friend a while later who gave out to me for not textin her, said that she really liked me and that she was relyin on me to make all the moves (which i had been doin!) Just a thought. u need to show some level of interest...just not too much!

the hero game

hey lux
i'm having similar problems, slightly.. i'm beginning to think that i'll never end up w. anyone again due to 1. my absolute need to share common interests and 2. i'm not sure anyone will ever really deal w. my depression
like i don't know how bad it is, it's hard to judge, but i'm pretty bad at the moment i think.. i don't feel close to any of my 'friends' and i had a break up last year that tore me apart really (along with other stuff).. so i don't know, maybe you'd like to talk about your situation.. is it difficult to find people whr they truly get a sense that they understand u?..

the hero game

the hero game wrote: »

hey lux
i'm having similar problems, slightly.. i'm beginning to think that i'll never end up w. anyone again due to 1. my absolute need to share common interests and 2. i'm not sure anyone will ever really deal w. my depression
like i don't know how bad it is, it's hard to judge, but i'm pretty bad at the moment i think.. i don't feel close to any of my 'friends' and i had a break up last year that tore me apart really (along with other stuff).. so i don't know, maybe you'd like to talk about your situation.. is it difficult to find people whr they truly get a sense that they understand u?..

I suffered from bad panic attacks and an anxiety disorder and that was part of the reason that my ex is now my ex. She couldnt understand and started trying to tell me that i was fakin it!! So it is important u get someone who will support u, who understands u and is not trying to change u etc etc.

AngryBadger

Lux23 wrote: »

I had been accused of been clingy by exs in the past so I now really don't want to appear eager at all. Im not cold but I like to show that I am very independent which I am but it seems to be putting them off too.

I'd say stop trying to put yourself across as "not-clingy". Finding someone is not a game, or a puzzle, unfortunately you just have to keep going through the motions with different people until you find the right onw. There's nothing more to it than that.

Lux23 wrote:

my main worry is that because of my former mental illness and subsequent treatment that I have just forgotten how to connect with someone.

I don't think not having a boyfriend indicates an inability to connect with people It probably just indicates that you haven't found someone you've clicked with yet. Your posts indicate that it's all in the hands of the guys you're dating, by which I mean you're not saying whether or not you're attracted to them just that after a certain while they're not interested in seeing you anymore.

To me this isn't the right perspective to take. if you like a guy then by all means pursue him, but just because he's not interested doesn't mean there's something wrong with you.

I'm pointing this out because the way you're wording your posts makes me think that you are out there HUNTING OUT a partner, and that is going to put a lot of guys off. I know you say you're very comfortable with yourself, but I'm not convinced by what you're saying.

If I'm wrong I'm wrong, no hamr done (hopefully!), but if I'm right then you could well be coming across as desperate when you meet guys because on certain levels you are desperate for some guy to validate you by wanting to go out with you.

Lux23

To be honest I lost alot of my friends when I was sick but the new ones I have met and some I have told all that happened to me have been quite cool about it. Of course noone can ever understand what goes on in someone else's head and thats fine with me. I worry about going out with someone though and my problems returning and how a prospective partner may react.

@angrybadger You gave me alot to think about there. Its ****ed up but if I am so happy with who I am why do I need someone else to reflect that back at me.

Dudess

the hero game wrote: »

hey lux
i'm having similar problems, slightly.. i'm beginning to think that i'll never end up w. anyone again due to 1. my absolute need to share common interests and 2. i'm not sure anyone will ever really deal w. my depression
like i don't know how bad it is, it's hard to judge, but i'm pretty bad at the moment i think.. i don't feel close to any of my 'friends' and i had a break up last year that tore me apart really (along with other stuff).. so i don't know, maybe you'd like to talk about your situation.. is it difficult to find people whr they truly get a sense that they understand u?..

Again, you seem to be tough on yourself. Why are you any less deserving of a loving relationship than anyone else. Your depression? Absolutely not. So many people have depression or have had it at some stage. It's been referred to as "the common cold of mental illness".

LegacyUser

Lux23 wrote: »

To be quite honest I don't feel the need to have a boyfriend but I would like one. (

Well, if you don't need a boyfriend, why would you like one? The classic mistake to make with guys is to immediately think of them as boyfriend material. Give yourself a break, step back and actually look at the guys you meet, try to figure out what types of people they are as you cannot yet assume 'they'd make a great boyfriend...swoon'. Reading the guy you meet is half the job, it'll take time and experience to get it right and the only way you'll get experience is to go out and meet lots of people. Some people will be good, some will be bad, but that's all part of the experience, right?
Knowing what you want in a guy is the other half of the job. Getting to know yourself and what you need. Are there any things that you've really wanted to do? (like travelling, climbing five mountains in two five days, learn to swim....anything!). Well know's the time to do these things, it'll help you get to know yourself better.
It's no harm to be on the look-out for a boyfriend because you never know when the right guy comes along. Just don't spend the rest of your twenties hoping and wishing that he'll come along because life will very quickly pass you by




(Terms and Conditions apply)

Lux23

Lux23 wrote: »

To be honest I lost alot of my friends when I was sick but the new ones I have met and some I have told all that happened to me have been quite cool about it. Of course noone can ever understand what goes on in someone else's head and thats fine with me. I worry about going out with someone though and my problems returning and how a prospective partner may react.

@angrybadger You gave me alot to think about there. Its ****ed up but if I am so happy with who I am why do I need someone else to reflect that back at me.

F*ck those firends, its when u hit the hard times that u wash away the wasters who arent your friends, thats what happened me and now I know for sure who my real friends are. Dont worry about it, its in the past now. if the problems came back its something that u should face then and there, dont let it debilitate u.



Sounds like u are still slightly insecure underneath it and u need the reassurance of someone else to help u to believe it?

the hero game

was that for me dudess?..
thanks if so, it's weird tho' the depression thing, i haven't met anyone who's really understood it, even my older brother who was on meds for a long time, he doesn't seem to get where i'm coming from even though he tries to be v. supprtive about it.. ?
i dunno, in terms of relationships, i'm just tired of meeting and being w. people that don't really interest me as nice as they may be etc.
my ex is a wonderful person in lots of ways but she's not exactly florence nightingale in terms of being sympathetic and i'm convinced that she thinks depression = weakness of character.. i'm not dying to be in a r'ship again, 'cause i avoid them unless i, uknow, fall in love.. ! .. The 2 i've had were heavy.. at the same time i hate having meaningless encounters and being disappointed ll the time..
hold on, i'm taking up someone's thread here, sorry lux..

Lux23

Deleted User wrote: »

F


Sounds like u are still slightly insecure underneath it and u need the reassurance of someone else to help u to believe it?

Im insecure and maybe I need to be secure before I really get into a realtionship, maybe im just not ready.

Oh I know that about those ex friends and I have met some really great people in the last three years who are good, good friends.

Lux23

Lux23 wrote: »

Im insecure and maybe I need to be secure before I really get into a realtionship, maybe im just not ready.

Oh I know that about those ex friends and I have met some really great people in the last three years who are good, good friends.

Maybe, who knows. Im of the opinion that u need to just chillax and make sure u keep socially busy and put yourself in the position to meet lots of new people. if someone comes along then great, if they dont, so what? U have yourr own life, live it.



Thats great about your friends, u are in a better place cos now u know you are with people that u trust and u got rid of the leeches who were using u for their own agendas.

Reku

Lux23 wrote: »

Your right I do sometimes feel like I haven't got what other women have that manage to have nice boyfriends. Like what is it that some people are always in a realtionship and I have never had one that lasted longer then 3 months.

Please don't take this as an insult but to be honest your situation reminds me of all the people who wonder (here and elsewhere) why they're not having sex as much as X or that they're having it too often. Don't worry so much about other people's lovelives and how your's compares, just focus on what you want from your own. Also if the others are always in a relationship it would imply that they are not that picky and are perhaps only keeping their feet wet and not really commiting.
I don't really think there is any magical one thing that lets you get a nice partner, everyone wants different things in partners and as such it's really just a matter of luck in finding someone who matches what you want and for whom you match what they want. So all you can really do is get out there and be yourself, if you're trying to find someone while pretending to be someone else then it's not you they love, it's the illusion and eventually they will see through it so best to just be honest from the start.

Dudess wrote: »

Again, you seem to be tough on yourself. Why are you any less deserving of a loving relationship than anyone else. Your depression? Absolutely not. So many people have depression or have had it at some stage. It's been referred to as "the common cold of mental illness".

QFT, which says something either about society or what expectations we're taught to have IMO. There are in fact far more people who suffer/have suffered from it than most people realise I feel as there are a lot who just put on a brave face and only others of us spot things. Some don't really even put much effort into hiding it but still go unnoticed as people don't see what they don't want to.

metaoblivia

OP, I know exactly where you're coming from. I'm 26 and I've been in the same boat for 5 years. Nothing seems to work out past a few months. And it's hard to not get down about it every once in while, and question what it is you're doing wrong. I know people say, stop looking and someone will come along. I stopped looking and someone did come along... and then left a few weeks later. It's happened a few times. For the past two years, I've been pursued by a few men (and I point this out because I did not come on to them, I did not approach them, I was "not looking" at the time) who all decided to go back to their ex girlfriend, or decided that they weren't over their ex girlfriend, and ended what they had tried so hard to build. I'm at the point now where my friends and I just joke about it. The last one this happened with, I just laughed when he told me (he was taken aback, until I told him about my recent dating history).
I really think it's about timing. Everyone's timing is different. You should try not to compare your love life with the love lives of others, and remember that just because someone is in a relationship, it doesn't mean they're happy. I may not have had a boyfriend in the past five years, but in the mean time, I've had other accomplishments.
And I believe that life can be complete without a significant other. You just have to take it by the horns and do something with it, instead of waiting for an opportunity to come around.

nmk

Hey Lux,
First time browsing or posting on this forum, here's my two cents! There are lots and lots of lovely people in the world (lots of planks too, but hey, lets think positive ). Just because a person is nice, or sexy, or funny doesn't automatically make them a suitable partner for you. A good catch or whatever may simply not be suited to you and you will know when you meet a person with real potential to be a good partner to you. It seems quite contrived to me to either 'play hard to get' or act all flirty, not a solid basis for a mature relationship. When you meet the right man, you won't need to play these games. That messing is fine if you're a bit more robust or not looking for a genuine and serious relationship, you want and deserve more. You've obviously had a rough time of it and the last thing you need is a string of almost relationships under your belt in an attempt to live up to the smug couples ideal that there simply must be something wrong if you're single (let alone single, attractive and gainfully employed :eek:). That is what will happen if you're sizing up whoever you meet to assess their boyfriend potential and trying with all your might to interest them. Chill out, enjoy the vibrant you who is over your past and let life happen. When you're that relaxed with and in yourself you will have no bother meeting genuine cool people and finding a worthy partner. HTH

KilbarrackBlows

Lux23 wrote: »

Ok here it goes. Im a 25 year old girl with a halfway decent job and alot of new friends. In the past I had a number of breakdowns but with proper treatment I have solved my problems for the most part and i have grown up a hell of alot. Recently I began to feel ready for a realtionship so I began looking around. I have no problem attracting men in a pub, on a club or on the street even but after a couple of dates or when I sleep with them they just go off me. Its always the same thing no matter how long I wait to have sex with them.

I am geniuely happy with who I am and am far more confident then alot of my friends but they all seem to be able to keep a boyfriend I can barely get past the 1st date stage. I had been accused of been clingy by exs in the past so I now really don't want to appear eager at all. Im not cold but I like to show that I am very independent which I am but it seems to be putting them off too. Im know its not a looks thing so my main worry is that because of my former mental illness and subsequent treatment that I have just forgotten how to connect with someone.

I am trying my hardest not to let this get me down but its really beginning to bother me especially since so many friends keep asking me why Im still single. I really feel like a freak.

Simaler situation i know the feeling

thebiggestjim

Lux23 wrote: »

Ah they mean no harm. I do have one nostril slightly bigger than the other, maybe thats it.:)

You can take a joke and you have a sense of humor Lux, great qualities in my book.

Think of the positives and go out and have some fun with your mates and your guy will come along.

Jim

Overheal

It could be worse. Im in Digs and my landlady is trying to set me up with my flatmate... like breeding a cat with a dog. That woman needs a hobby.

Dudess

the hero game wrote: »

was that for me dudess?..
thanks if so

Yes it was. You're more than welcome. Remember, an illness you had does not define you - only if you keep thinking it does.

nacho libre

Lux23 wrote: »

Ah they mean no harm. I do have one nostril slightly bigger than the other, maybe thats it.:)

no it wasn't that. it was your snoring. i should have told you in person, i'm sorry...

you have a sense of humour so go forth and have some fun. if you go out and use it, and can deactivate your defensive shield once you get to know them, you will find a keeper.

Lux23

Hi all,

Thanks for your comments everyone and I will try to take alot of the stuff that you have said on board. You have all been very nice. I guess being single isn't just a big deal.