I have a child, get over it!!!

antodeco

What is it with people these days?? I have been single for over a year now, mainly because I have a child. I have no problem having girls talking to me, but when they hear I have a child its like "eh....ok...." and then I never hear from them. I know its a lot of baggage, but do people not realise that a love for a child, and the possible love for a partner are two totally different loves?? Im sick to death of how people treat other people with kids. I suppose its a case of "Oh you have a child and you're single? You must be a b@stard". I kinda feel that at 25 and having a four year old daughter, my "dating" life is over. Has anyone experienced this before?

Spades

I honestly taught that Irelands attitude to single parents had moved on. If you honestly feel that these people feel that way then your better off without them being your friend. you will meet the right women at some stage.

antodeco

I made the assumption too! Possibly if I was 10 years older it may not be the case, but as im still considered "very young" most of the girls dont want to have a child or any burden at this age.

axer

antodeco wrote: »

What is it with people these days?? I have been single for over a year now, mainly because I have a child. I have no problem having girls talking to me, but when they hear I have a child its like "eh....ok...." and then I never hear from them. I know its a lot of baggage, but do people not realise that a love for a child, and the possible love for a partner are two totally different loves?? Im sick to death of how people treat other people with kids. I suppose its a case of "Oh you have a child and you're single? You must be a b@stard". I kinda feel that at 25 and having a four year old daughter, my "dating" life is over. Has anyone experienced this before?

Some people don't want the extra baggage - that is there choice. TBH if I met a girl that I liked and she had a kid - it wouldn't turn me off her but it would be an extra thing to consider before getting involved with her. I don't think there is anything wrong with that.

axer

antodeco wrote: »

most of the girls dont want to have a child or any burden at this age.

any whats wrong with that? Its their choice.

Electric

I have to say if it were me I wouldn't think that you were a b@stard I would just be wary of getting into what possibly was a family.

I think most girls would be intimidated by the fact that there is an ex-partner. I know most people have exes but when there's a child involved it means that the ex will be part of the picture. It just makes things complicated.

Some people will see past that but for some people it will be an issue. I know it's frustrating but you may need to help girls see that things aren't that complicated and they won't be another in a list of daddy's girlfriends and who are essentially keeping a family apart. No girl wants to be in that situation!

antodeco

I completley understand if its their choice. BUT, if they like you, are talking to you, then dont have the decency to tell you "listen, im not ready to be with someone with a child" thats fine. I kind of think that its very childish if someone runs a mile because of a child. If you were dating someone for 2 weeks, thought they were really nice and you got on really well, would you want to stay with that person? Just because a person has a child does not make them inferior. I understand your point of saying that you would have to consider before getting with someone with a child. My issue is that people dont even allow this to happen. Its a case of, you have a child, Im not even going to attempt to get to know you. I just think its extremley shallow of people.

l3LoWnA

antodeco....They're just immature....may all those small-minded ladies who weren't interested in you be struck-down with single-parent syndrome before they hit thirty and then we can watch them change their tune!

As a girl, I've never had a problem with guys having children (as long as I didn't know they'd treated the mother badly etc.) Then again, you're only 25 so are these girls generally younger than you? Alot of girls in their early twenties are FAR from ready to settle down and might think that by you mentioning having a child, you're hinting that you're on for a long-term cosy family-thing. As a 26 year old single-mommy I've never encountered any lad who stuck his nose up or wasn't interested when I mention that I'm a mum. I think men feel that I need minding or something though so maybe it's different when you turn the tables around and you're the single-dad!

I know alot of single-mothers find it inappropriate to tell a guy when they meet him first that they have a child, because of the very reaction you've been experiencing but I'm totally against that. Would you honestly want a small-minded person like those girls in you and your childs life?! You are who you are and your child exists. There are plenty of girls out there for you, you've just been unlucky so far - and being single for only a year isn't all that bad really is it?! Hell I've been single for longer periods long before I had a child. Lastly, you are NOT single because you have a child. You could be JUST as single if your child never existed in the first place, how do YOU know you wouldn't?!? Don't blame your child's existence for your loneliness.....get out there and meet more ladies, there ARE many nice ones out there, maybe you are attracted to b*tches though

Oh yeah, and try and be HAPPY to be single rather than "single and looking". The very day you realise you don't NEED a significant other to make you happy is the very day the ladies will be queueing up outside your door!

antodeco

Thanks for the reply l3LoWnA. Its nice to know that these people exist. I have a few friends who are single mothers and they have no problem finding people. I think men view it differently. Generally men cant see the long term! I have been told by several girls that if I didnt have a child they would ask me out! :eek: I think thats crazy!! As you said, people are immature, possibly by nature of their age, but also because of their mentality. I know a year is only a short time, but it just gets to me that people can treat others like that. The more I see it, and experience it, the more it gets to me, and the more my own belief of anything happening lessen. I have a beautiful daughther who is my whole life, but somethings I would like some adult conversation and companionship!

McGinty

Hi Op

I have encountered a similar reaction on a few occasions but decided that it was due to fear/immaturity and that I was well off from being involved with those people, there are some people who do not date people with children, I don't mind that, what has galled me in the past is that a lot of men think because I am a single mum I must be desperate for sex so they just want a quick shag, ie@ so when am I going back to your place kind of thing, which really ranks me off, naturally they get a negative response, I do believe though it is probably harder for a single dad to meet a woman than a single mum to meet a man, on the whole (statistically speaking) I find most men don't mind me having a child but just to share your frustation it has happened, let them on, your love life is not over just it is not as easy as if you had no ties, but the woman who goes for you will be worth it

King of Kings

antodeco wrote: »

I made the assumption too! Possibly if I was 10 years older it may not be the case, but as im still considered "very young" most of the girls dont want to have a child or any burden at this age.

antodeco - i'm 5 years older than you and I get that a bit. Its best to ignore them cos they aren't worth seeing seriously if they have that attitude.
But there is another flip side there are plenty of nice girls out there who are mad for kids and what to get involved with your kid etc.....way too soon. they're to be avoided too.
Women are mad.

also at 25 chill don't go chasing women with a view to long term "Let's get settled down" enjoy your 20's.
The love aspect will come in good time.

antodeco

King of Kings wrote: »

Women are mad.

Quote of the month! As you rightly said, there are women out there who like kids and want to be involved. Unfortunatley, I very rarely get to meet them. I have my daughter every weekend without fail (more if shes off or Im off), and as a result my time to head out is more or less non-existant. I can head out if I want. The folks look after her, but I feel so guilty about leaving her when its my time with her. I know its not healthy for me, but i love her too much to leave her behind

McGinty, I know where you're coming from. Im generally seen as a guy who got a girl pregnant and didnt support her, hence me being a b@stard. Its not the case. Was with the mother for 4 years, but she had other ideas with her life, so we didnt stay together. It just annoys me that people can be so judgemental based on a child. We were all children once, and some can be pains, but thats part of being a mother/father. Its not the role of the partner to have to do all that. I guess people think it is?!

axer

antodeco wrote: »

I completley understand if its their choice. BUT, if they like you, are talking to you, then dont have the decency to tell you "listen, im not ready to be with someone with a child" thats fine.

Why do they have to tell you that? I'm sure when someone is deciding whether they want go out with you they look at you as a whole and decide - they don't have to explain why.

antodeco wrote: »

I kind of think that its very childish if someone runs a mile because of a child.

How is not wanting to get involved with someone who has a child childish? I think that is a very prejudicial statement.

antodeco wrote: »

My issue is that people dont even allow this to happen. Its a case of, you have a child, Im not even going to attempt to get to know you. I just think its extremley shallow of people.

Maybe some people already know they do not want to be involved in a relationship where the other person has the responsibility of a child.

I get what you are saying but I don't think it is fair to criticise and negatively label all those who do not want to get involved in a relationship with a person who already has a child.

axer

antodeco wrote: »

I have my daughter every weekend without fail (more if shes off or Im off), and as a result my time to head out is more or less non-existant.

This is another reason why a girl might not want to go out with a guy who has a child. That guy will not have as much time for the girl or for the relationship than a similar guy without the child. I don't think that is immature, childish or any other labels put on it.

antodeco

axer wrote: »

Why do they have to tell you that? I'm sure when someone is deciding whether they want go out with you they look at you as a whole and decide - they don't have to explain why.

How is not wanting to get involved with someone who has a child childish? I think that is a very prejudicial statement.

Maybe some people already know they do not want to be involved in a relationship where the other person has the responsibility of a child.

I get what you are saying but I don't think it is fair to criticise and negatively label all those who do not want to get involved in a relationship with a person who already has a child.

The thing is, they look at ONLY the child part. This if from my own experience, and what appears to be others experience aswell. I knows it judgmental, but im basing this judgement and what I have experienced. Call it socialisation towards a culture of un-married parents, but the general consensus is that a child is a no-no for a lot of people. If somebody doesnt want to be with someone because they feel they can not handle dealing with a child, thats fine. But its the reaction of people. The sheer shallowness of people that they literally turn on their heels and walk away. I know its like that for alot of things (people in wheelchairs, people with physical scarring, etc). These are things that people deal with in their own way. However, its HOW they deal with it that frustrates me.

axer

antodeco wrote: »

The thing is, they look at ONLY the child part.

Im sure your child is a big part of your life thus it is a big part to consider when thinking about going out with someone.

iguana

It's not a nice but the fact of the matter is that getting involved with somebody who has a child is difficult. When I was 21 I was in a relationship with a guy who had a kid and I found it very hard to deal with. Everything was so complicated and while it was not the reason we broke up after we did break up the relief I felt at not having to deal with does complications was intense. I knew after that I would never want to put myself in that position again so if I met a guy who had a child I was never going to let it go anywhere.

There are lots of reasons why a girl might not want to be with a guy with a child. If it helps OP I don't think it's a reflection on you as a person. It's just that it's complicated, your ex will always be a part of your family. Your child will always come first. You don't have the same freedoms as a childfree guy. And if I'm honest the main issue with me is probably the fact that I want my husband and I to become parents together. I want every new thing I experience in pregnancy and parenthood to be new to him too.

Lots of people don't feel that way, but others do. You will find someone who doesn't feel that way but you shouldn't criticise those who may.

Nevyn

If you have a chid and are paying maintance then there will be less money if you become a couple, buy a house or have kids with you and that plus the 'hassle' and the assumption that all single dad's are to blame as they walk away are usually the reasons.

I spend alot of time with people in their early twenties, and find that they like to be around people like themselves and to be like the people they are around.
I'm mid twenties and I don't tell anyone how old I am anymore because alot of them would treat me differently.

Although if I meet a single father with little interest in his child/children, I would run a million miles away.

chuckles30

OP - I think the age of the girls could have something to with it too. Speaking as a 30+ lady, I have to say that now, I have no problem going out with a single dad. However 10 years ago when I was in my early 20's, I would probably have run a mile as well......although the situation never arose. I know that I've matured and changed a lot in those 10 years, so don't give up. You've probably matured younger than some of your peers due to the fact that you've become a dad. I can certainly say that the single dads I know are more mature than other guys of their age.

*Page*

Hey, I was on the other side of the single parent blip.

I'm a mum of a 7 year old and i'm on 24! Gosh!!! People have such a problem with that!

I had the same issue a while back but there were a few creeps in the picture that thought because i got pregnant that i was easy! So they only hung around long enough to find out that i amn't.

BUT you will find the right type of person soon, trust me.

When you get to telling them that you have a kid, how do you do it because the way you go about it can make the difference.

rs

So, I suspect the problem is that when a girl meets a guy with a kid she thinks one (or more) of the following.

1. This guy is a scumbag who leaves his girlfriend after she has a kid. I should not trust him.
2. This guy has too much baggage. I don't want to be a mother to his kid. I'm too young for that.
3. There is another woman (the mother of the child) who will always be in the picture.

Personally, I think number 3 is probably the main reason girls stay away. I doubt it's you or the fact that you have a kid. It's that in the back of the girls mind there will always be this "other" woman who would be perceived as a constant threat to the relationship and she is always going to be there.

I wonder if men who are single fathers due to the fact that their significant other has passed away face the same kinds of problems.

AngryBadger

Like it or not there are several perfectly valid reasons why people (note:PEOPLE both men AND women) may not want to get involved with someone who has a child.

- If someone already has a child then any potential partner probably feels they're likely to be less of a priority next to the child, which is as it should be

- Although it's not a PC point, there is the question of why are you a single parent? And for some people that question alone is enough to write you off

- Whether you like it or not another person will have to become a part of your childs life, whether they want it or not, and why should anyone be under an obligation to do that?

As to why people chat to you and don't let on. Come on man, are you expecting women to declare their intentions within the first hour of meeting you? Unless you're talking about a situation where you're dating someone for a while and they're leading you on then I'm afraid that's just how it is.

If, and this is what it sounds like, you're referring to situations where you're talking to someone out, or at a party or whatever, well it's unreasonable to expect any kind of committment one way or the other there, I'm afradid you'll just have to do what we all have to do. Try your hand, and eventually meet someone you DO click with.

To expect people to be 100 % honest about their intentions is childishly unrealistic, especially since many people won't know their own intentions until long after the fact. And even if they did a lot of them are not going to admit that you being a single parent is an issue for them, it's just not PC and heavens forfend they break taboo!

seamus

rs wrote: »

3. There is another woman (the mother of the child) who will always be in the picture.

Or perhaps they worry that the child is the "other" in his life.

I didn't realise there was any kind of stigma from women about men with kids, perhaps it's the age/type of women that you meet. Certainly women in their early twenties may be a bit turned off - as pointed out, they like to be with people like them, people who've just left college, have plenty of spare cash to spend on themselves and who go out and party at the weekends with their mates.

You may need to meet someone who's actually looking for a serious relationship as opposed to someone who's just window browsing but not specifically thinking about settling down.

Static M.e.

OP.

Im 29 and Ive had a daughter for the last 8 years. (Fair enough I'm only a weekend dad, rather than a Single Father) But I think Ive meet all sorts. I now have a very simply but effective solution.

If you mention your daughter and they have any sort of adverse reaction to the fact, get up and walk away, they simply arent worth it.

I honestly really couldn't care less why or why not they have a problem.

I think its kind of like a fast way to weed out idiots anyway, any of the girls I stay talking to or end up going out with have always been really nice girls. I can say Im still firends with 99% of them to this day.

moco

rs wrote: »

So, I suspect the problem is that when a girl meets a guy with a kid she thinks one (or more) of the following.

1. This guy is a scumbag who leaves his girlfriend after she has a kid. I should not trust him.
2. This guy has too much baggage. I don't want to be a mother to his kid. I'm too young for that.
3. There is another woman (the mother of the child) who will always be in the picture.

Personally, I think number 3 is probably the main reason girls stay away. I doubt it's you or the fact that you have a kid. It's that in the back of the girls mind there will always be this "other" woman who would be perceived as a constant threat to the relationship and she is always going to be there.

I wonder if men who are single fathers due to the fact that their significant other has passed away face the same kinds of problems.

I agree with this, about number 3.

I've went out with 3 guys with a child. One had no interest in his daughter so that didn't last long as I didn't want to be with that kind of person.

One was seeing the child's mother behind my back, and the other one had huge rows with the child's mother and there was constant hassle with her.

I would be very wary of getting involved with a guy who has a child in future based on the experiences I've had. Not because of the child but because of all the crap that comes with it, mostly stemming from the child's mother who will always be there.

Reku

Have to agree with most of the reasons people have brought up so far as to why people will not want to get involved with someone who has a kid:
1. If they are a part of the kid's life their ex-partner is undoubtedly a part of their's. If not then why, what did they do or why are the unwilling to have anything to do with the child?
2. Resources will always come into it, whether on a conscious level or only subconscious, simply put if you have kids by someone else then resources; both tangible (money) and intangible (love, patience and time) are not going to be devoted entirely to the potential relationship and kids you might have with this new person.
3. The difficulties in being a 3rd wheel in a relationship, they will have to exist in grey areas due to the whole lack of outlined boundaries with respect to the kid, are they allowed discipline the child, will you always side with the child. Then there's the simple fact of will the child accept them coming into the relationship or want to keep it as "mummy/daddy and me" and start doing everything they can to spoil things.
4. One of the things that causes the most problems in marriages is the child and how the couple no longer have the time for random acts of romance and passion, instead everything needs to be scheduled around the child. As such the potential for romance and passion with someone who has to care for a child can seem slim. As for dirty weekends away, extremely unlikely.
5. People don't appreciate constant reminders that they're not your first.
6. Young people will be reluctant simply due to the fact that they may not feel ready for kids themselves and as such both the fact of the child that will be in their lives and the fact that this could create a subconscious implication of carelessness WRT condoms, the pill, etc... and so perhaps a fear of having an unintended child with you can be offputting also.

As for the complaints of it being childish, are you not also being childish expecting that you should be treated the exact same as someone who does not have a sprog to care for. Fact is dating is all about gambling and trying to maximise your odds of a successful end result; a life and family together, as such anything that is a obvious hurdle to that can and will be held against you.
You had a child, you need to accept that life will not be as it was before in any respect and deal with it, harsh perhaps, but it is the case.

AngryBadger

farohar wrote: »

As for the complaints of it being childish, are you not also being childish expecting that you should be treated the exact same as someone who does not have a sprog to care for. Fact is dating is all about gambling and trying to maximise your odds of a successful end result; a life and family together, as such anything that is a obvious hurdle to that can and will be held against you.
You had a child, you need to accept that life will not be as it was before in any respect and deal with it, harsh perhaps, but it is the case.

+1

StormWarrior

It's not childish of someone to decide they don't want to date you because you have a kid. Maybe they enjoy their freedom and like being able to do what they want when they want, rather than having to take a child (especially one that isn't even theirs) in to account. I dated someone with a kid for 2 years and it was very hard, especially in my early 20's, to have to give up every other weekend and some weekdays because of a kid that wasn't even mine. It's hard for someone, especially if they don't particularly enjoy the company of small children, to be faced with 2 options every other weekend: a. spend time with my partner but be stuck entertaining a child and not be able to go out having fun, or b. go out and have fun with friends but don't get to spend time with partner. Not to mention having to ok it with the ex before being able to go on holidays, etc.

Anyway, are you sure it's only the child driving them away? Maybe they would decide not to date you anyway.

metaoblivia

My brother has three kids and two divorces behind him - he's 28. He had his first child when he was 19, acquired the second through his second marriage (he legally adopted the child because the child's father had abandoned him), and then had another baby with the second wife.
My brother has always been good with the ladies, and he's never been without a woman unless it's by choice. But he's most successful with women who have children and are single, like himself. So maybe, OP, you should try your luck with women who are in a similar position as you are. They would probably be more understanding of your situation, having been through it themselves.
I'm 26, and childless, and I would have to think really hard about dating a guy with kids. My inclination would be to say no for the reasons farohar listed above. In fact, I agree with his entire post.

Bethany

Facts are that no matter how good a single parent you are , very often people whom you meet may have little or no interest in developing a relationship with someone who is a parent. They often have little interest in children until they have their own. That's true of many people who go on to be great parents. Naturally any parent will put their child ahead of anyone else and this is not what some people want. That doesn't make them bad people. Some people have no interest in getting involved with a divorced person. They see existing commitments which they don't want. People want an easy life......that's life.