the dreaded number

LegacyUser

hey there

I was just wondering on people's thoughts about the "number", aka the number of sexual partners a person has had, especially when in a relationship. Do most admit to this number, is it possible to really not care about how many people your partner has slept with?

I ask because I was recently dumped by a guy, not because I told him how many people I've slept with, but because he thought I was TOO experienced in bed, and must have been a slut in the past to be so good (im really not trying to brag here). Yes, I have come to realize he was an idiot, and probably insecure, and that was just a lame excuse, or one of another million reasons.... I've been thinking about it too much, I have many a theory ha.
But now I am afraid to admit to anyone in the future about my number of partners. I don't want to lie, but I'm afraid to tell the truth. Anyone ever been in a situation like this?

And if anyone has ever heard Chris Rock go on about this, I know its not just me wondering. There's always a kind of curve for women, any number is too big a number for a guy, bla bla bla...funny stuff from him.

Anyway.....Thanks!!!

Marksie

I would be open about it and consequently open about hearing how many partners my partner had had. Neither would it bother me that a partner told me what they liked. Asking what they like or have tried would be a starting point to explore further.

But it does seem to be an issue for a lot of people, but you are correct in what you say that its their insecurities. (his loss by the way)

But i guess you have to play it by ear with any given partner. If they ask as part of the natural process then they would be ok, but if overly insistent then it may indicate they have issues.

Talliesin

Okay. Here's what you do.

1. Find a large mirror. Maybe you have a large one somewhere in your home, if not go into a clothes shop or something.
2. Stand in front of the mirror. Make sure you have a good clear view of your eyes and your body from at least the top of your abdomen up.
3. Cross your arms across your chest so that each hand is grabbing the opposite upper arm.
4. Give yourself a good shake, girl!

Of course some men are going to be freaked out by this. Men like the last loser you just got away from.

Do you consider dating losers to be a good thing?

Then why the hell do you care.

I don't know whether the fact that my girlfriend has had more sexual partners than me is why she's so good in bed, or whether it's just natural talent and a bit of thoughtfullness, but do I care? Hell no, I've got a sexy girlfriend who's extremely good in bed.

Should it ever begin to bother me I could probably distract myself by having sex with my sexy girlfriend who's extremely good in bed.

If anything, anything that puts off men with their priorities and thinking so messed up is probably a good thing.

Bottle_of_Smoke

Natural instinct in guys will put them off a girl with a high number. I was with a girl who I thought was really good in bed & just got the impression from her outlook & opinions that she'd "been around". I decided to avoid the number conversation because I liked her.

Some will tell you it's insecurity but there is an evolutionary advantage to being attracted to virgins so my advice is to keep your number to yourself.

Before I get shot at I would like to state that I don't believe there is anything morally wrong with a girl who has a large number of sexual partners.

randylonghorn

whos counting? wrote: »

Is it possible to really not care about how many people your partner has slept with?

Yes. I have never asked, nor has it occurred to me to ask. I was once told by a girl, fairly late at night when we were both half asleep. She mentioned the conversation the next morning; it had had such a huge impact on me that I couldn't remember how many she had said (and no, I wasn't drunk).

whos counting? wrote: »

I ask because I was recently dumped by a guy, not because I told him how many people I've slept with, but because he thought I was TOO experienced in bed, and must have been a slut in the past to be so good.

Bloody fool! The day I dump a girl for being good in bed is the day I buy magic beans and a can of striped paint.

whos counting? wrote: »

But now I am afraid to admit to anyone in the future about my number of partners. I don't want to lie, but I'm afraid to tell the truth.

Unless you're asked, why bring it up at all?

Talliesin wrote: »

Should it ever begin to bother me I could probably distract myself by having sex with my sexy girlfriend who's extremely good in bed.

Too bloody right!

Talliesin

Bottle_of_Smoke wrote: »

there is an evolutionary advantage to being attracted to virgins

If you just want to keep the chromosomes going you want someone who has children already - because you know they've already brought one baby to full term and are managing to look after the child.

LegacyUser

personally, i would never admit how many people i've slept with and i'm a woman . I don't lie about it either,i just get around it by saying 'why does it matter' or it's not something i want to discuss yet.

i suppose when i'm really sure that i've met 'the one' i'll talk about it then. It's amazing how immature some guys can be about this topic - no disrespect to those who have posted already because i'm sure women can be just as bad!

LegacyUser

Believe me, I would never bring up the conversation, I don't want to know how many girls my boyfriend slept with, what matters is that your with the person now, but some guys (and im assuming girls) do bring it up, and thats when it would become an issue.

Thanks for the replies though, good to know what others think and not quite an office conversation for a Monday! Maybe a Thursday tho...

Bottle_of_Smoke

Talliesin wrote: »

If you just want to keep the chromosomes going you want someone who has children already - because you know they've already brought one baby to full term and are managing to look after the child.

Evolution has nothing to do with consciously wanting.

If she's not a virgin she's slept with someone else & it's possible it's someone elses child you're putting your energy into upbringing. By being with a virgin you cut out that risk

If they've already had a child they'll still have to spend time bringing up that child which has none of your genes.

Of course this doesn't logically apply to relationships today but the unconscious doesn't catch up so fast.

Why do you think virgins are sought after in every society in the world & mainstream religions all preach no sex before marriage?

Nevyn

Too experienced.... must be a slut.... what an idiot.

If only takes one good trusting relationship for a couple to push the levels and vary the ammount of differing types of sexual play if they are open sexually and trust each other.

Some people are good at reading thier lover and watching thier reactions and taking those reactions as ques as to where to go and what to do next. These are wonderfull skills and some people have them naturally and some people could shag a thousand people and never get it.

Sounds like that guy was far to insecure, inexperienced arrogant and ignorant and hopefully you will find a better person.

Dudess

I was once seeing a guy who made similar presumptions about me. He was my third sexual partner ever (my first sexual experience was an extremely unexciting one-night stand so that barely counts). A person can instinctively know how to give the kind of pleasure the other is looking for - there's no manual.
And a person who's shagged half the country might be crap in bed. Or one person's crap lover may be another's dynamo in bed.
There isn't a cut-and-dry pattern to sexual behaviour - thankfully.

kowloon

I dont think the too many partners thing is as much a reflection on the girl as the fellas insecurities.
He doesn't like the challenge of getting mr. stubby to compete with all the other studs and their funky disco moves .

LegacyUser

Give us a ballpark figure here - are well talking 5 or 50? There is clearly a difference.

randylonghorn

kowloon wrote: »

He doesn't like the challenge of getting mr. stubby to compete with all the other studs and their funky disco moves .

You may be onto something there, kowloon!

greenteaicedtea

I was just wondering on people's thoughts about the "number

It used to cross my mind when I was still a virgin. Now that i'm not, that whole thing has faded into the background. I think that's pretty much the territory of someone who is insecure.

I fail to see a purpose in discussing how many people I have slept with, it can only come down to some kind of moral issue, left or right, take your pick. What's the next step after it, openly comparing your partner to previous partners? The past is the past.

Do most admit to this number, is it possible to really not care about how many people your partner has slept with?

I don't ask, I don't tell. All I care about is "is this person nice to me" You could have someone with a crazy past, who is a very tender nice person, on the other hand you could have a very moral person who insists on imposing their morals on you.

I ask because I was recently dumped by a guy, not because I told him how many people I've slept with, but because he thought I was TOO experienced in bed, and must have been a slut in the past to be so good

That is what is called a jerk. You don't need someone like that in your life. Sometimes people find any reason to make someone else look worse, and make themselves feel better, I think that was this person's way of doing that

And if anyone has ever heard Chris Rock go on about this, I know its not just me wondering. There's always a kind of curve for women, any number is too big a number for a guy, bla bla bla...funny stuff from him.

Comedians are trying to be funny, in order to get paid. I generally don't use any of their material as a way to gauge how the opposite sex is going to feel about me.

Dalfiatach

Any fella who cares is a moron. Any fella who would dump a girl for being "too good in bed" is a raving fecking eejit with rampaging insecurity complexes.

I can't stand inexperienced girls. Far too much trouble, sexually and emotionally. Give me a mature woman who knows what she wants any day of the week. And yes, that applies especially if it's a girl I'm considering having a relationship with.

Girls, I know this is one of my stock replies but it's very relevant on this particular topic - chill the feck out. Youse worry about these things far too much and work yerselves up into a huge tizzy over something that any rational mature man either doesn't care about or sees as a bonus!

If a fella gets all shirty about you having had "too many partners" or being "too experienced" or says stupid things like "you've been with more than 2 men before in your life, yer a slut and I can't trust you not to cheat on me" then just dump his sorry immature insecure paranoid ass. End of story. Problem solved.

DublinWriter

Dalfiatach wrote: »

Any fella who cares is a moron. Any fella who would dump a girl for being "too good in bed" is a raving fecking eejit with rampaging insecurity complexes.

+1

I heard Brenda Fricker on the radio today saying how guys used to hate it when she beat them at playing pool. Same basic principle.

OP - basically, it's a non issue for any guy worth dating.

randylonghorn

DublinWriter wrote: »

I heard Brenda Fricker on the radio today saying how guys used to hate it when she beat them at playing pool.

Ah here ... now that's a serious issue!!

l3LoWnA

Does everybody KNOW their number?!?

I don't!! And that doesn't make me a whore! I've just never thought to count, yeah I counted the guys I kissed when I was a youngster and kept diaries and the likes but have never thought about "how many" guys I've slept with over the years - would probably take weeks though :rolleyes::p;) (j/k) No boyfriend has EVER asked me either, so I never really thought about it! And I must also add, that any guys I've gone out with have absolutely LOVED the fact that I was experienced, appreciative and open-minded when it came to sex. I've been with extremely experienced guys and I never thought or cared what their "number" was as long as they were now bringing their experience into my bed.

That guy is an immature little boy if you ask me. A real man would love his girlfriend to be experienced.

matt-dublin

in my opionion, we men should never question where our ladies got their skills from, only should be grateful that such ladyfriends went to all the trouble to learn such great techniques.

-one for the beer gut and receeding hairline brethern

Blackpitts

whos counting? wrote: »

hey there

I was just wondering on people's thoughts about the "number", aka the number of sexual partners a person has had, especially when in a relationship. Do most admit to this number, is it possible to really not care about how many people your partner has slept with?

I ask because I was recently dumped by a guy, not because I told him how many people I've slept with, but because he thought I was TOO experienced in bed, and must have been a slut in the past to be so good (im really not trying to brag here). Yes, I have come to realize he was an idiot, and probably insecure, and that was just a lame excuse, or one of another million reasons.... I've been thinking about it too much, I have many a theory ha.
But now I am afraid to admit to anyone in the future about my number of partners. I don't want to lie, but I'm afraid to tell the truth. Anyone ever been in a situation like this?

do you know the rule?
when people ask to their lovers how many they have slept with in the past, they need always to divide the number by 2 (if the partner is a boy) or multiply it by 2 (if the partner is a girl)

leaving the jokes aside, your boy was really insecure, maybe frustrated and you don't need a spineless man in your life, do you?
personally i'm delighted when my partner has a lot of experience and not afraid to do stuff, everyone has a past and it has to be accepted.

matt-dublin

Blackpitts wrote: »

do you know the rule?
when people ask to their lovers how many they have slept with in the past, they need always to divide the number by 2 (if the partner is a boy) or multiply it by 2 (if the partner is a girl)

leaving the jokes aside, your boy was really insecure, maybe frustrated and you don't need a spineless man in your life, do you?
personally i'm delighted when my partner has a lot of experience and not afraid to do stuff, everyone has a past and it has to be accepted.

its actually the rule of 3 not 2. as well proven in amercan pie 3

pretty-in-pink

I don't see how the amount matters, experience is a good thing, so long as the other person is clean it shouldn't matter if the number is single, double, triple or non-existent digits. It souns like an insecurity thing- worried he wouldn't shape up next to any previous partners. Most "experience" will come in a relationship anyway, as someone else pointed out. Don't sweat it, anyone who judges you on the past like that doesn't belong in your future.

From what you've said, your ex reminds me of that old joke:
Why do men want to marry virgins?
They can't stand critism

McGinty

Hi Op.

I agree with a lot of viewpoints here, your ex was immature, but would say your past is your past, it belongs to you and no one else, so you do not need to state how many lovers you have had.

Girls, I know this is one of my stock replies but it's very relevant on this particular topic - chill the feck out. Youse worry about these things far too much and work yerselves up into a huge tizzy over something that any rational mature man either doesn't care about or sees as a bonus!

If a fella gets all shirty about you having had "too many partners" or being "too experienced" or says stupid things like "you've been with more than 2 men before in your life, yer a slut and I can't trust you not to cheat on me" then just dump his sorry immature insecure paranoid ass. End of story. Problem solved.

Thanks Dalfiatach for the advice, I'll keep that in mind

Nerin

if you ever do have the conversation and he leaves,he isnt worth it.
because afterwards he'll be "chasing amy"

Silent Bob: [to Holden] So there's me an' Amy, and we're all inseparable, right? Just big time in love. And then about four months in, I ask about the ex-boyfriend. Dumb move, I know, but you know how it is - you don't really want to know, but you just have to... stupid guy bull****. Anyway she starts telling me all about him - how they dated for years, lived together, her mother likes me better, blah, blah, blah - and I'm okay. But then she tells me that a couple times, he brought other people to bed with them - ménage a tois, I believe it's called. Now this just blows my mind. I mean, I'm not used to that sort of thing, right? I was raised Catholic.
Jay: Saint ****head.
[Silent Bob backhands him. Jay raises his fist as if to strike]
Silent Bob: Do something.
Silent Bob: [to Holden] So I get weirded out, and just start blasting her, right? This is the only way I can deal with it - by calling her a slut, and telling her that she was used - I mean, I'm out for blood I want to hurt her - because I don't know how to deal with what I'm feeling. And I'm like "What the **** is wrong with you?" and she's telling me that it was that time, in that place, and she didn't do anything wrong, so she's not gonna apologize. So I tell her it's over, and I walk.
Jay: ****ing-A.
Silent Bob: No, idiot. It was a mistake. I wasn't disgusted with her, I was afraid. At that moment, I felt small - like I'd lacked experience, like I'd never be on her level or never be enough for her or something. And what I didn't get was that she didn't care. She wasn't looking for that guy anymore. She was looking for me, for the Bob. But by the time I realized this, it was too late, you know. She'd moved on, and all I had to show for it was some foolish pride, which then gave way to regret. She was the girl, I know that now. But I pushed her away...
[Silent Bob lights a cigarette]
Silent Bob: So I've spent every day since then chasing Amy...
[takes a drag from his smoke]
Silent Bob: So to speak.

MagicMarker

Well, i'll tell you a little story.

I won't go into it too much when i first started seeing my current gf there were reasons for me to believe that she was quite experienced. Now maybe i am insecure or whatever, but she's only my second sexual partner and my first was a virgin. So to go from being with someone who had only been with me to someone who had been with other people took a lot of getting used to and i felt very uncomfortable about it. I couldn't stop thinking about it and i could get very depressed simply because i was thinking the worst and imagined her with countless amounts of men, these images were not what i wanted to think about when thinking of her.

So, after countless arguments (all my fault of course) i basically just asked her to tell me what the number was (i just needed to know as it couldn't have been as bad as what i was thinking). Eventually she told me, it was a large number in comparison to what mine is but once i actually knew, i stopped thinking the worst about the situation and learned to live with it and we haven't really argued about it since.

Now, it does creep into my head every now and again but i get over that pretty quickly plus i do like that she's experienced;)

Dudess

Every time this topic comes up (and it's pretty regular) Chasing Amy is mentioned. Some people say it's pointless using the sub-plot of a movie to illustrate a point, I'd normally agree... except in this case. My friend was getting **** off her boyfriend about her past and I told her to get him to watch it. And you know what? It shut him up.
Good work on getting the script, nerin.

Nerin

thanks,i thought it was really appropriate for this poor persons thread.

hell,years ago i was a fella who mite go off a girl with that kinda history,was goin out with a girl like that at the time, the silent bob quote shut me up very quickly.

once again a movie saves an otherwise disastrous occasion

Dalfiatach

nerin wrote: »

once again a movie saves an otherwise disastrous occasion

Cool, maybe we should have a section where we point out movies that have that bit of great dialogue in them that will solve most common problems.

I'm not taking the piss at all, loads of movies tackle various issues that crop up on PI all the time, and tackle them well.

Aside from movie advice, people just need to realise there's a lot of very immature people out there, or people lugging around whole suitcases of baggage, and these people just aren't worth bothering about, no matter how hot they are physically. Life's too short to be putting up with all that crap. Move on and find someone sane - they are out there.

Sleepy

The most experienced person I've ever slept with had only had three partners prior to me.

The largest amount of experience I gained personally came from a single relationship.

Experience tends to be gained in relationships, not many one night stands.

I've been with guys that have slept with less than 5 people that have much better in bed than guys who I know have been with half of Dublin, It doesn't matter if you’re a skilled lover...........

You’re a skilled lover, end of....

Iago

Sleepy wrote: »

The most experienced person I've ever slept with had only had three partners prior to me.

The largest amount of experience I gained personally came from a single relationship.

Experience tends to be gained in relationships, not many one night stands.

you can gain as much from both in my experience. The actual number should be a non-issue, as has been mentioned already who needs someone with that level of insecurity.

Gemini Sister

The number you sleep with rises with age & whats going on in your life.

If you're single for a year, you may well sleep with 3-6. Single for five years? Yikes!

Rule of thumb is: even if you're 70, never admit to sleeping with more than 20! Who needs to know? As all the posters say, its skill that matters, not numbers.

What I mean is: you don't have to admit anything.
Most girls don't tell the whole truth and nothing but the truth. There's nothing wrong with a bit of discretion.

LegacyUser

Bottle_of_Smoke wrote: »

Evolution has nothing to do with consciously wanting.

If she's not a virgin she's slept with someone else & it's possible it's someone elses child you're putting your energy into upbringing. By being with a virgin you cut out that risk

If they've already had a child they'll still have to spend time bringing up that child which has none of your genes.

Of course this doesn't logically apply to relationships today but the unconscious doesn't catch up so fast.

Why do you think virgins are sought after in every society in the world & mainstream religions all preach no sex before marriage?

The mainstream religion I know and love doesn't believe in evolution. According to that mainstream religion, we all came from Adam and Eve. Going by your reference to religion , I don't think you've actually studied evolution in much depth, so stop trying to use it as a flimsy argument to back up YOUR logic.

Men who don't like women with more partners than they've had are on the back foot. Women nowadays do not have patience for men with that type of insecurity issue. True, back in the old days, women had to be coy and unassertive. Not now. Who knows, maybe we're right at the beginning of a change on our evolution path

Bottle_of_Smoke

Unreg1992 wrote: »

The mainstream religion I know and love doesn't believe in evolution. According to that mainstream religion, we all came from Adam and Eve.

Do you actually believe it's true?.... we ALL came from Adam & Eve? What do you make of dinosaur fossils? - are they tests of faith from god? How about carbon dating, is that just scientists lying?

I bet your religion is against sex before marriage too.

Going by your reference to religion , I don't think you've actually studied evolution in much depth, so stop trying to use it as a flimsy argument to back up YOUR logic.

My reference to mainstream religion was just to show that something man-made like religion is based around the concept of virginity. Whether the bible's authors were aware or not.

Men who don't like women with more partners than they've had are on the back foot. Women nowadays do not have patience for men with that type of insecurity issue. True, back in the old days, women had to be coy and unassertive. Not now. Who knows, maybe we're right at the beginning of a change on our evolution path

I'm not sure if this is directed at me. I'm not saying women shouldn't have multiple partners, it's none of my business & as I'm non-religious promiscuity doesn't bother me. I'm basically saying, if I was a woman who had a lot of partners I'd avoid the numbers conversation with boyfriends.

I thought you said your religion doesn't believe in evolution???? Women being assertive won't change male's attraction to virginity by the way.

Why are replying unregistered?

gcgirl

Personaly i would rather get down and dirty with some one who knew what to do! Experience counts ! what ever you done before this relationship is not his business! I never told any ex whom i had before him !

LegacyUser

Bottle of Smoke, I never said it was MY religion.

I also said MAYBE we are on a new evolutionary path. I didn't say it was fact.

I'm posting as unregistered because I'm unregistered.
The last section of my post was not directed at you.

Bottle_of_Smoke

Unreg1992 wrote: »

Bottle of Smoke, I never said it was MY religion.

Oops, just kinda got misled by the "religion I know & love" part.

I also said MAYBE we are on a new evolutionary path. I didn't say it was fact.

Ah, the semantics card.

kowloon

Gemini Sister wrote: »

If you're single for a year, you may well sleep with 3-6. Single for five years? Yikes!

That doesn't apply to everyone, i'm going off to cry now :rolleyes:

Marksie

Keep it on topic please folks

thefinalstage

By the gods! He dumped you over that!? Thats a damn good bonus in a girl!
Am I right?

Froot

Well I have been with a few girls in particular who slept with lots of people and they were terrible in bed.

Maybe it's just this guy creating a problem for you...