Frozen cows

A farmer goes out to his field one morning only to find all of his Cows frozen solid.

As far as the eye can see are cows, motionless like statues.

It had been a bitterly cold night, but he'd never thought anything like this would happen.

The realisation of the situation then dawned on him.

With his entire livestock gone, how would he make ends meet? How would he feed his wife and kids? How would he pay the mortgage?

He sat with his head in his hands, trying to come to terms with his impending poverty.

Just then, an elderly woman walked by, 'What's the matter?' asked the old lady.

The farmer gestured toward the frozen cows and explained his predicament to the woman.

Without hesitation the old woman smiled and began to rub one of the cows noses. After a few seconds the cow began to twitch and was soon back to normal and chewing the cud.

One by one, the old woman defrosted the cows until the whole field was full of healthy animals.

The farmer was delighted and asked the woman what she wanted as a repayment for her deed.

She declined his offer and walked off across the field.

A passer-by who had witnessed the whole thing approached the farmer.
'You know who that was don't you?' asked the passer-by.

'No' said the farmer 'who?'
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'That was Thora Hird.'

dak

Her last Stroke was in 2003!!!


And twas her that died!

Enright

????????????????????????????????????

wtf????

whiskeyman

I wish I knew who Thora Herd was before I heard this joke...

dak

Enright wrote: »

????????????????????????????????????

wtf????

She used to be in "last of the Summer wine" but died of a stroke in 2003 !

I never said that it was a new one

Hagar

One from the vaults all right, but a good one none the less.

mickrourke

Maybe they were meant to be cold, maybe they were Fresian Cows

Jaysus hand me that coat double quick!
thats 2 strikes for me tonight, once more and i'm out.

Have you seen that Tesco's advert where the camper gets chilled milk from a cow;).

Mooooooooooooove along now....:D

Sinfonia

Haven't herd that one before...


ahem..

AngryBadger

I smiled at the idea of rubbing cows noses to thaw them

boneless

You deserve a kicking but I am laughing too much to administer one!! LOL!!!

cozmik

SumGuy wrote: »

Haven't herd that one before...


ahem..

lol

dak

mickrourke wrote: »

Maybe they were meant to be cold, maybe they were Fresian Cows

Jaysus hand me that coat double quick!
thats 2 strikes for me tonight, once more and i'm out.

Good One ! Why didn't you put on your "Jersey" and run !!

ALSO JUMPING INTO "Limousine"! On way to HEREFORD.

This thread has turned into a right load of old bull

dak

Deleted User wrote: »

This thread has turned into a right load of old bull

Thats got a familiar ring to it

LoneGunM@n

I want to laugh at it, but I'm afraid if I do I'll have to kick my own ar$e

dak

dak wrote: »

Thats got a familiar ring to it

A bullring perhaps.

dak

Deleted User wrote: »

A bullring perhaps.

Was it not obvious ? I was going to say through it but that would have given it away!

Homer

Just turn the udder cheek and mooo-ve on...

No use in crying over spilt milk

dak

industria wrote: »

Just turn the udder cheek and mooo-ve on...

No use in crying over spilt milk

HERD that one before!

dak

A farmer down the road had a fairly large herd of cows and three bulls. Each bull keeping a strict eye on his portion of the cows. A rumour comes around that the farmer is going to get another bull and the three bulls are standing in the field discussing this. The first bull says, "Well, there's no way he's going to get any of my cows." The second bull agrees, "Yeah, I'm not giving up any. He can wait till next year and get some of the new ones." The third bull who was a bit smaller says, "I don't have as many as you guys so I'm not giving any up." Finally, the new bull arrives. The first three gather at the edge of the field to watch him being unloaded from the trailor. To their consternation, the biggest, meanest Brahma bull they have ever seen comes strolling down the ramp and glares at them. He's at least three times bigger than any of them. The first bull looks around nervously and says, "Well now, I suppose it would be a neighbourly thing to give this guy some cows. I think I'll give him twenty of mine." The second bull says, "Yeah, I guess so, I'll give him thirty of mine." They look over at the small bull. He's busy pawing the grass, snorting, and shaking his head. They go over and ask him what he's doing and suggest that he should give up some cows too. He says, "Yes I know, I'm just making sure he knows I'm a bull

Porkpie

That was a load of bullocks!

mickrourke

Cheese-us that was bad, butter this is worse

2 cows standing at the gate, one turns to the other and says "Christ, all this talk of Mad Cow disease would have you reall worried!" The other one says "What are you asking me for, I'm a giraffe."

Ghost Train

What do you get when you cross a cow with a sheep and a goat?


A milky bah kid

Pal

stop.I can't take any more

Oliverdog

I agree. And anyway, it's pasture bedtime.

dak

Oliverdog wrote: »

I agree. And anyway, it's pasture bedtime.

Stop milking it !

dak

dak wrote: »

Stop milking it !

pull the udder one!

dak

Deleted User wrote: »

pull the udder one!

Don't cross my "cow" path !

dak

Deleted User wrote: »

pull the udder one!

There were these two cousins, one from Cavan (he's a bit thick) and the other from Monaghan (he isn't). And the two inherit the family farm. It's not a bad farm, but unfortunately, after just a few years, they are in dire financial straits. In order to keep the bank (hiss hiss spit spit) from repossessing the farm, they need to purchase a bull so that they can breed their own stock.

The Monaghan cousin balances their chequebook, then takes their last 600 quid out to another farm, way down in the Midlands, where a man has a prize bull for sale. Upon leaving, he tells his cousin "When I get there, if I decide to buy the bull, I'll contact you to drive out after me and haul it home." The Monaghan fella arrives at the man's farm, inspects the bull, and decides he wants to buy it there and then. The bull's owner says he can sell it for £599, nothing more but nothing less. After paying him, the Monaghan guy drives to the nearest town to send his cousin a telegram to tell him the news.

He walks into the post office, and says, "I want to send a telegram to my cousin telling him that I've bought a great bull for our farm. I need him to hitch the farmyard trailer up to our van and drive out here so we can haul it home." The telegraph operator in the post office explains that he'll be glad to help, then adds, "No problem, it's just 11 shillings a word." Well, after paying for the bull, the Monaghan man only has £1 left.

What can he do? He realises that he'll only be able to send his cousin one bloody word. After thinking for a minute or two, he nods, and says, "I want you to send him just one word - the word 'comfortable'." The man behind the counter shakes his head. "How the hell is he ever going to know that you want him to hitch the trailer to the back of your van and drive out all the way to here in the Midlands to haul that bull back to your farm if you send him the word 'comfortable'?" The Monaghan man explains: "My cousin's from Cavan. He'll read it dead slow."

Oliverdog

If I had £1, I'd send you a one-word telegram. As it is, have some stars.

ZorbaTehZ

lmao, dak that is brilliant.

dak

If Bull has fit of giggles if he now "laughing Stock"

patmac

Speaking of old bovine jokes what's the similarity between a Monaghan man and a pregnant cow, their both near Cavan(calving) oh you know what I mean.

Goodluck2me

you hear about the magic cow?

It walked down the road and turned into a field.

dak

A man takes his wife to the State Fair
and one of the exhibits is that of breeding bulls.
They come up to the first pen and there is a sign that says,
This Bull mated 50 times last year."

The wife pokes her husband in the ribs and says,
"He mated 50 times last year",
They walked a little further and see another pen with a sign that says,
"This Bull mated 120 times last year".

The wife hits her husband and says,
"That's more than twice a week!
You could learn a lot from him."

They walk further and a third pen has a Bull with a sign saying,
"This Bull mated 365 times last year".
The wife gets really excited and says
"That's once a day. You could REALLY learn something from this one".

The husband looks at her and says....
"Go up and ask him if it was with the same cow".

dak

The sky was dark
The moon was high
All alone just she and I
Her hair was soft
Her eyes were blue
I knew just what
She wanted to do
Her skin so soft
Her legs so fine
I ran my fingers
Down her spine
I didn't know how
But I tried my best
I started by placing
My hands on her breast
I remember my fear
My fast beating heart
But slowly she spread
Her legs apart
And when I did it
I felt no shame
All at once
The white stuff came
At last it's finished
It's all over now
My first time ever
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At milking a cow...

Sign on a farm gate,
"There is no entry fee, please feel free to walk across the field, the bull will charge you later"

LoneGunM@n

LoneGunM@n wrote: »

I want to laugh at it, but I'm afraid if I do I'll have to kick my own ar$e

Ah don't be such a COWard.

Deleted User

Deleted User wrote: »

Ah don't be such a COWard.

We might need to bully him into it!

dak

Deleted User wrote: »

We might need to bully him into it!

Whats the matador with you ?

dak

What kind of milk comes from a forgetful cow?
Milk of Amnesia
*****************************************************
A Cows Rules for life

1) Wake up in a happy mooo-d.

2. Don't cry over spilled milk.

3. When chewing your cud, remember: There's no fat, no
calories, no cholesterol, and no taste!

4. The grass is green on the other side of the fence.

5. Turn the udder cheek and mooo-ve on.

6. Seize every opportunity and milk it for all its worth!

7. It's better to be seen and not herd.

8. Honor thy fodder and thy mother and all your udder
relatives.

9. Never take any bull from anybody.

10. Always let them know who's bossy.

11. Stepping on cowpies brings good luck.

12. Black and white is always an appropriate fashion
statement.

13. Don't forget to cow-nt your blessings every day

********************************************
Did you hear about the salesman who sold a milking machine to a rich Kerry Farmer with one cow
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And took the cow as a deposit !!!!


*************************************************

One farmer says to another farmer that he had to shoot one of his cows? "Was it mad?" asks the other farmer. The farmer replies "Well it wasn't very happy about it".

RxQueen

whats green and fuzzy and stands in a field??

a cow wearing a green velure tracksuit!!


i laugh at this but the udder ones are much better!

what do you get if you make a cow run around the field.



milk shake.

RxQueen

Why does a milking stool have only three legs?


Because the cow has the udder:D

dak

No Bull**T allowed

Mahatma coat

what bad cow pun therad would be complete without this

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=a5s5qGg01nE

. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . and by complete I mean FOOOOOOOOOK OFF AND LET IT DIE!!!!!!

Soundman

http://www.totallytom.com/MadCow.html

Jesus Wept

It goes something like this:

One day, there was an old bull and a young bull grazing in a field.

Down in the valley, far below them, they see a herd of cows grazing contently on equally lush grass.

Not to miss a golden opportunity to exercise his manhood, the young bull quickly turns to the old bull and frantically says, 'Let's run down there, jump over the fence and fúck one of the cows!!!

The old bull slowly rises up from his meal, turns to the young bull and replies: "No. Let's stroll down there, walk through the gate and fúck them all."

dak

Moooveee Faster !!!!