Is it my personality or what?........

Teddi

I have analysed myself until the cows come home about this particular subject...

Ive pretty much narrowed it down to the conclusion that im just not suited to the general consensus of girls out there that would find me suitable for a relationship.

Im 23, in college, im outgoing, friendly to everyone, funny, witty, considerate, caring, loyal (to those who are worth it..lol), a great listener, good advice giver...im good looking (not being boastful) so all 'n' all...i have a good amount going for me..right?

Then why...at the age of 23, ive had one girlfriend which lasted only 4 months? (she had maaaajor issues) I often think to myself, what are you doing wrong? all that i can see is doing good for people...being the best person that i can be...

Ive asked friends...family about this and they think its because im too nice and that i befriend people far too fast...believe me...Thats never my intention when i see a girl i like. I tried doing the bad boy thing but it made me uncomfortable and i was thinking to myself "this is not who i am". I know that girls/women eventually grow out of that bad boy phase as the years go on..but i dont want to wait until im 30 for women to realise what they have been missing out on (yet again, not being boastful but you know what i mean)

Meaning that in or around that age women look for a man that they can commit to...wanting to settle down with...and not some player with 50 dates a week (not me)..


Is there anyone else like myself? I treat girls so well...hold open doors for them..take there coats....hang them up....bring them coffee etc ...during the day in college as thats my natural way...but i think only 1 in 10 girls like the "nice guy" ...

Ive yet to meet one...

any thoughts?

(sorry for the length )

Tigger

Teddi wrote: »

I have analysed myself until the cows come home about this particular subject...

Ive pretty much narrowed it down to the conclusion that im just not suited to the general consensus of girls out there that would find me suitable for a relationship.

Im 23, in college, im outgoing, friendly to everyone, funny, witty, considerate, caring, loyal (to those who are worth it..lol), a great listener, good advice giver...im good looking (not being boastful) so all 'n' all...i have a good amount going for me..right?

Then why...at the age of 23, ive had one girlfriend which lasted only 4 months? (she had maaaajor issues) I often think to myself, what are you doing wrong? all that i can see is doing good for people...being the best person that i can be...

Ive asked friends...family about this and they think its because im too nice and that i befriend people far too fast...believe me...Thats never my intention when i see a girl i like. I tried doing the bad boy thing but it made me uncomfortable and i was thinking to myself "this is not who i am". I know that girls/women eventually grow out of that bad boy phase as the years go on..but i dont want to wait until im 30 for women to realise what they have been missing out on (yet again, not being boastful but you know what i mean)

Meaning that in or around that age women look for a man that they can commit to...wanting to settle down with...and not some player with 50 dates a week (not me)..


Is there anyone else like myself? I treat girls so well...hold open doors for them..take there coats....hang them up....bring them coffee etc ...during the day in college as thats my natural way...but i think only 1 in 10 girls like the "nice guy" ...

Ive yet to meet one...

any thoughts?

(sorry for the length )

ok i'd like all the ladies to looks away for a minute

yer too nice

women that want realationships while in the sexually charged arena that is college want a man that they are proud of and that their friends are aware of you'll need to be a bit more of a lad
and rember that the ladies can need a slightly less weak hand than you may be providing


being nice and quiet and holding the door is lovely and to be encouraged

but

make your presence known ....
whats your thing ? whadda you do for kicks

Elessar

Yeah you're too nice. Stop caring for a while. Start pretending it doesn't matter, because it really doesn't. You say everything is going well for you, yet you seem so desperate in that post. There's obviously something missing; you're too nice, you're trying too hard and girls (irish girls) don't like that. Stop caring. Forget about it for a while. Really stop trying, being nice etc. Really just relax, and forget about it. It'll get off your mind and from what everyone says, it'll probably happen when you least expect it.

Dudess

Hey Teddi,
Don't you worry hon. You're only 23 - it might seem like you should have had a couple of long-term relationships by now but it doesn't happen for everyone - nothing at all unusual whatsoever.
You obviously ARE a lovely guy, and if that's your personality, then don't try to be someone else - people can spot someone forcing an act miles off.
However, maybe you should just toughen up a bit (and I don't mean that as a criticism of you). What I mean is, don't think too much about what others think of you. Don't try to be super nice all the time. You don't have to be. If you have moments where you're not super-duper wonderful, that's not going to make people think you're a prick. People don't notice these things.

Teddi wrote: »

I treat girls so well...hold open doors for them..take there coats....hang them up....bring them coffee etc ...during the day in college as thats my natural way...but i think only 1 in 10 girls like the "nice guy"

Maybe ease up on the above. That can make girls a bit uncomfortable. Certainly don't be feeling the need to "bring them coffee". They may end up taking advantage of this (consciously or subconsciously) - you deserve more than being a human doormat.

Just relax and enjoy college life. Focusing too much on getting a girlfriend will get you down. And again, don't be concerned about being nice all the time - you ARE nice. You don't have to prove it.
Don't become a bit of a lad, as rbd suggested (I'm not being smart, rbd). It would be too forced and would come across as ridiculous. And don't bother with the type of college girl he suggested either - there are plenty of female students who aren't vacuous bints like that and who don't give a **** about whether the guy they're with is someone to be proud of and that their friends are aware of (sorry rbd, really not having a go at you - I just don't think your advice is suited to this particular OP).

monkey tennis

Teddi wrote: »

I treat girls so well...hold open doors for them..take there coats....hang them up....bring them coffee etc

This isn't being 'nice', it's being a simpering doormat. If you wouldn't do these things for your male friends, then it's going to be obvious that you're only doing these things for females. You can't be seen as an equal if you're always going out of your way for people simply because of their gender.

You often hear 'nice guys' (losers) talk about how women go for 'bad boys' (men with confidence) - I think that this is a product of envy for the most part, it's not usually that the 'bad boys' are actually 'bad', just confident in themselves. Most women want men not boys.

Cathmandooo

ah that sounds terrible that people are telling you not to care. You shouldnt have to pretend to be someone you're not. I think you just havent met the right girl! I wouldnt advise you to 'not care', a woman loves a caring man, but keep in mind she doesnt want everything handed to her on a plate either so try find a level of politeness and caring that you can stick with! Nothing worse than a guy who does everything for you for the first few weeks and calls u every day and then just stops bothering :rolleyes: hang on in there, I'm doing the same myself, Mr Right will hopefully make an appearance for me soon as will mrs. right for you

Loomis

I used get mixed reactions to holding doors for people (both men and women-I was just being nice not necessarily nice to women) so I don't do it as much

Holding doors is fine. Hanging their coats or bringing them coffee is a bit much. You're not a waiter. Nor a house keeper. You can be nice without being ott

Dudess

monkey tennis wrote: »

'bad boys' (men with confidence)

Some girls do go for complete pricks though.

r3nu4l

I totally agree with Dudess and monkey_tennis. There is no need to be a bad guy or be anything other than yourself. However, as Dudess said, a lot of women tend to get creeped out by guys being 'too considerate'.

Opening doors on occassion is fine, taking their coats when they visit your home is normal but not taking them and hanging them in collge bars or the like! Just don't be seen to be 'running to do the next nice thing'.

I remember a few female friends of mine in college always getting freaked out by a male friend of mine because they felt 'stifled' by him. If they needed a stool in the pub he would go running for one, if they wanted a can from a vending machine he would offer to take their money and get one...

Women like to be treated well but they also love their independence and to be able to feel that they have a bit of space for themselves Don't turn into a cold-hearted son-of-a-bitch but just relax a little and don't be seen to be the guy who runs around picking up after them, put yourself on an equal level to them because when you do what you are doing too much you change the definition of the relationship. You place yourself in an inferior position to them. Make yourself their equal

l3LoWnA

Teddi, you sound great! You are confident and a decent person. Don't change yourself in the hope of finding someone, because if you try to change the chances are that person won't be right for the real you!

Yes, a LOT of us women go for absolute a$$holes but I don't think that changes as we mature/get older, women who are w*nker-magnets will always end up with a w*nker!!! There are PLENTY of girls, your age, younger and older than you who don't have a need to hook up with a bad boy! Just relax, be yourself and put yourself out there! Some lucky girl will come your way eventually!

I'm single - wanna meet up? :cool:

[edit] Hope those three different smiley faces yell I'M KIDDING!! As I don't want a date! I'm too old for yoU!

Marksie

l3LoWnA: Nice post, but Tis not a dating site. Go to PM please

Dragan

The only thing i can think of is that you seem to be looking to having a relationship to validate yourself as a person?

Nothing wrong with you bro, finding happiness with yourself and you'll find it with someone else.

Gyalist

A man can't really ever be "too nice". However, you may be coming across to women as being asexual hence they don't feel any attraction to you. Many men make the mistake of hiding their sexuality in order to befriend women. It doesn't work! She thinks that she's made a platonic friend while the man has other motives. Women end up being confused and think that you're a creep. Always be straightforward and upfront about your intentions.

Also, why do you seem to be so desperate for a relationship? It could be that that women are picking up on your desperation and they certainly don't find that an attractive trait in a man.

Dudess

Teddi, have you ever played the field a bit while at college? Or are one-night stands/casual flings not your thing?

l3LoWnA wrote:

You are confident

I don't know if I'd agree with that, l3LoWnA.
As Dragan says, it seems that Teddi needs to work on his self confidence a bit.

Marksie

Gyalist: Nice is a realtive term (and not a term i like), you can be respectful freindly and open.

However, when good manners are taken to an extreme they may be taken for suffocation, clinginess, creepiness or whatever.

It could be as dudess suggests and over compensation for lack of confidence.

Rooted in a sense of who you are, then the "niceness" comes naturally, as well as the secual attractiveness

l3LoWnA

Marksie wrote: »

l3LoWnA: Nice post, but Tis not a dating site. Go to PM please

Thanks Marksie, but I'm REALLY not looking for a date!!!

Was just joking around with OP you know, a little joke/flirt @ the end of my message to lighten the mood/boost his confidence - sorry if I broke some rules!

And Dudess you do have a point - but what I'm saying is, he KNOWS he's a good looking chap and a good person, to me that's confidence, maybe his self-esteem and/or self-worth need some building - do ya get me?! That's kinda where I was coming from anyways!

StormWarrior

I am so sick and tired of people perpetuating the myth that women only want bad boys. I personally would never date a "bad boy", I like men who are gentlemanlike and caring. OP - maybe you have BO or maybe a whiff of desperation about you and that's what is putting them off.

Dudess

StormWarrior, I do think the "bad boys" thing is definitely applicable to a lot of women - but of course, not all.

l3LoWnA wrote: »

And Dudess you do have a point - but what I'm saying is, he KNOWS he's a good looking chap and a good person, to me that's confidence, maybe his self-esteem and/or self-worth need some building - do ya get me?! That's kinda where I was coming from anyways!

Ah I get ya. True. I suppose we all have plenty of confidence in some regards and lack of it in others. That's certainly the case with me anyway.
I think the OP seems to care too much about what other people think of him and is afraid that people won't think he's nice if he makes any "slip".

sobriquet

Teddi wrote: »

im outgoing, friendly to everyone, funny, witty, considerate, caring, loyal (to those who are worth it..lol), a great listener, good advice giver...im good looking

all that i can see is doing good for people...being the best person that i can be...

women to realise what they have been missing out on

women look for a man that they can commit to...wanting to settle down with...

Is there anyone else like myself? I treat girls so well...hold open doors for them..take there coats....hang them up....bring them coffee etc ...during the day in college as thats my natural way...but i think only 1 in 10 girls like the "nice guy" ...

This doesn't read like confidence to me. I know plenty of lads who are the epitomy of confidence, and none self-describe like this. I doubt the OP intended it, but the jist of this reads to me like the OP just can't get his head around why women aren't throwing themselves at him (especially that 'missing out on' comment, it came over very creepy tbh). OP, I don't mean to be harsh, you could be all you describe yourself as and more, but you're not entitled to a relationship, no-one is, and from your post you sound like you really believe you are.

The thing about relationships is they only work if both parties want to be in it. Don't stop caring or being nice or whatever, but do it because you want to be nice to everyone. Every now and again, a woman you meet might express interest. Make something of it if you're attracted to her. Otherwise, just get on with your life and let women (as an indistinct mass amorphous group) get on with theirs. They're not missing out on anything, neither are you.

l3LoWnA

True!

I think OP should care less about what he's doing wrong and just keep doing what he's doing but try and realise that he doesn't "have" to be in a relationship to be happy - not just yet anyways. We all feel a little left out in the cold @ times if we're still single and wishing otherwise. I have never been on the look-out for a man and desperately wanting to be in a relationship and then lo-and-behold along comes a man.

From my experience, I think you MUST be happy being single before you will actually meet someone! It will be the very week you realise that you ARE actually a happy content person, on your own and you don't need anyone else that the perfect mrs. teddi wil come and sweep you off your feet

Dudess

Gyalist wrote: »

you may be coming across to women as being asexual hence they don't feel any attraction to you. Many men make the mistake of hiding their sexuality in order to befriend women. It doesn't work! She thinks that she's made a platonic friend while the man has other motives. Women end up being confused and think that you're a creep. Always be straightforward and upfront about your intentions.

A very good point. OP, with this OTT niceness, you might be coming across as too "innocent" - almost broaching "wee Daniel" territory.

nikolasjdsbs

Afraid to say it but as a man I agree with a lot of what the OP says. Women are not that attracted to nice guys. I know one of the posters said no one is entitled to a relationship but if you treat people well, you deserve it back. I don’t want to start the Irish v foreign women thing but personally but in my experience foreign women are more appreciative. I'll leave it at that.
If the OP Doesn’t have a point well how come so many women are willing to put up with being cheated on..I mean seriously how many times have there been posts here about cheating boyfriends. The less you care the more you get back with women, treat em meet keep em keen as the saying goes..
To the OP, just book a holiday to the US. You’ll enjoy yourself.:D

nikolasjdsbs

nikolasjdsbs wrote: »

Afraid to say it but as a man I agree with a lot of what the OP says. Women are not that attracted to nice guys. The less you care the more you get back with women, treat em meet keep em keen as the saying goes..

I think that is absolute Bullcrap and if you life by that sentiment your asking for misery.

OP When I was single, Kindness was always the quality that turned someone from fanciable into a smoking hot must have.
I do know a few girls who always fall for assholes, but then you have people like me and everyone else in the middle.

Most people I Know haven't had alot/any serious relationships age 23, because it is just coming to the end of the "Having Fun stage".


I do notice afew exceptionally nice single men, misdirecting their attentions at women friends who simple don't and won't ever fancy them.
I think you have a look at where and how you are trying to pick up women.

nikolasjdsbs wrote: »

I don’t want to start the Irish v foreign women thing but personally but in my experience foreign women are more appreciative. I'll leave it at that.
To the OP, just book a holiday to the US. You’ll enjoy yourself.:D

Appreciative of what? I can't say that appreciation is a quality traditional associated with the stereotypical Irish mamies boy.
Who are these "Foreign women", last time I looked the world didn't divide its cultural habits by Irish and Foreign.
American women tend to appreciate wallet size above all else. :rolleyes:

Teddi

Thanks for all the mixed replies guys..

Really made me think about a few things about myself and really helped..:)

Ok...one thing id like people not to do is focus on this holding doors etc part of my post... its something extremely minimal in the grand scheme of things and when im rushing around..etc I dont always get the chance to do that...but when I do, I will!

Dudess....you had some great points within your posts...innocent? please...im like any other red blooded male...I have no problem chatting with girls, i often,enjoy female company over male...as there is alot of macho'ness in my college which I think is sad, hence I dont dwell in that social arena. 70% of my college is female which makes it relatively easy for me to have female friends..which I think is one of my downfalls as their perception Is more than likely skewed thinking of how much of a great friend id be...(yay..lol)

To monkey_tennis: "This isn't being 'nice', it's being a simpering doormat" lol ...I'm far from this....Id rather you know me before making such a statement...I'm not some desperate boy trying to get their attention by being overly nice and doing mannerly actions, I was just brought up with good manners, and I think people arent curtious enough these days.

I dont feel like i deserve a relationship...but with the amount that ive been messed around in the past with girls...I believe that things should be better than they currently are.I dont come off overly confident...just i make it easy for people to get on with me as im a generally friendly person.

Finding a happy medium has been my goal for the past few years, ive yet to hone in on it and put it into action.Something that will come with time im sure.

To nikolasjdsbs: good points there buddy...especially on the cheating b/f part. Thats something i despise in people, cheating. Although I havent had enough experience to say that Id never do it. I always think ahead..and if I thought that my then current actions would have an adverse effect In the future...I stop myself. (i.e scoring some girl out one night and i was in a relationship)as I do in many aspects of my life... linked with a seriously bad guilty conscience, that re-enforces my opinion that it would be very hard for me to cheat.

Anyway....sorry for getting a bit off topic there...I know my queen is out there somewhere...I just dont want to be 90 when I find her

Dudess

Moonbaby wrote: »

Most people I Know haven't had alot/any serious relationships age 23, because it is just coming to the end of the "Having Fun stage".

The END??!! Maybe the end of college for most people, not the end of having fun by a long shot! I'd change that from 23 to 35 - at least.

Teddi wrote: »

innocent? please...im like any other red blooded male...I have no problem chatting with girls

Sorry about that!

I know my queen is out there somewhere...I just dont want to be 90 when I find her

Heh, for all you know you could meet her next week. Annoying thing to say I know, but my point is you really don't know what's round the corner. That's great that you have no probs having fun with girls - not every guy can do that. So concentrate on doing just that - having fun, the relationship will fall into place.

Creamy Goodness

Dudess wrote: »

Some girls do go for complete pricks though.

never a truer (is that a word?) statement.

nothing worse than seeing a girl going for a complete prick of a guy, then when they get dumped or dump him for something he's done they come crawling to ya looking for sympathy.

i see totally where ya coming from OPer.

SarahSassy

Dudess wrote: »

Some girls do go for complete pricks though.

some do and then they (generally) grow up and cop on....

celestial

l3LoWnA wrote: »

True!

From my experience, I think you MUST be happy being single before you will actually meet someone! It will be the very week you realise that you ARE actually a happy content person, on your own and you don't need anyone else that the perfect mrs. teddi wil come and sweep you off your feet

Teddi, I hear ya brother. In fact, you sound EXACTLY like me...or the way I was a mere few weeks ago..

First of all, the advice quoted below is the single best piece of advice posted on this thread so far. Read it again. Then read it again. And again.

Essentially, I was doing the same - analysing my personality, how come it didn't work out with that girl? How come she didn't want to go out with me? How come I never meet anyone I really fancy? How come this that and the other.

The bottom line is this. You're not unconfident, you're not too 'nice'..but listen don't go running round for coffee for girls! Listen - don't act any different around a woman than you do a man..treat them like your little brat kid sister..

Tease them
Make fun in a good way
Make lots of eye contact
Stand up straight, know you're the man - in a good, understated way
You will know when someone gives you that look that they like you - look at them right back, smile, make good eye contact, and say something cheeky, and funny.

The more you want something and try to grab at it, the further you push it away from you.

A good mate of mine fancied this girl who was gorgeous - and still is - he fancied her too of course. He made her wait for weeks before he actually got with her. He didn't go running to her thinking wow i've really scored - instead he knew his worth, that he didn't NEED anyone - which made him all the more attractive - even more so - and the girl was even more crazy about him.

I have been obsessing over not having a gf - now after a trip abroad that has re-invigorated me I have realised what a great guy I am - intelligent and HOT - yes ladies, HOT! and most importantly - that I don't need any woman. At all. Ever. BUT - if the right one comes along - IF she does - and IF she is what and who I really want - then I'll have a relationship. Until that time, I am my own man, living life on my own terms, respectful, polite - all the things you are - but happy to wait for the right girl to come along.

And they will- believe me...

arbeitsscheuer

Teddi wrote: »

Im 23, in college, im outgoing, friendly to everyone, funny, witty, considerate, caring, loyal (to those who are worth it..lol), a great listener, good advice giver...im good looking (not being boastful) so all 'n' all...i have a good amount going for me..right?

Then why...at the age of 23, ive had one girlfriend which lasted only 4 months? (she had maaaajor issues) I often think to myself, what are you doing wrong? all that i can see is doing good for people...being the best person that i can be...

Is there anyone else like myself?

/puts hand up

Yep.:(

I can't really offer you any advice since I'm pretty well in exactly the same boat as you... Only difference is that I've my longest relationship was only 3 months. So not that much difference at all.

Sucks to be us, eh?:o

celestial

where you are both going wrong is that you are seeing yourself as the problem in some shape or form, that 'because I haven't met anyone there must be something up with me'. If you have your **** sorted then it's just that you haven't met the right person. It happens at different times for different ppl

Dudess

Dudess wrote: »

The END??!! Maybe the end of college for most people, not the end of having fun by a long shot! I'd change that from 23 to 35 - at least.

current age + five years = offical time for stoppage of fun.

I meant that lot of people shift the focus from playing the field to having longer realtionships in or around that age.
You disappear off the face of the earth for 6 months to a 1 year and 1/2, and then feel hard done by when the oxytocin wears off and you realise all your mates have done the same!

arbeitsscheuer

arbeitsscheuer wrote: »

/puts hand up

Yep.:(

I can't really offer you any advice since I'm pretty well in exactly the same boat as you... Only difference is that I've my longest relationship was only 3 months. So not that much difference at all.

Sucks to be us, eh?:o

I can say it does. Only I've never been in a proper relationship and am the same age as the OP.

Gekko

i'll throw my 2 cents into the ring to see if it's helpful. Could it be that when you're hanging around with these girls that you're too busy analysing yourself and worried about how you're coming across that you're missing some signals that some of them are attracted to you?

Dudess

Celestial, great posts.

Karsini wrote: »

I can say it does. Only I've never been in a proper relationship and am the same age as the OP.

Plenty of 23-year-olds haven't. Try not to worry about it - that will only make it seem worse.

Lawless_Samurai

Dragan wrote: »

The only thing i can think of is that you seem to be looking to having a relationship to validate yourself as a person?

Nothing wrong with you bro, finding happiness with yourself and you'll find it with someone else.

Nail on the head right there.

Yes nice guys tend to finish last but you are who you are. If you change that for some girl or relationship you're never gonna be truely happy, ya know? Sorry about how corney that sounds! :D:D

celestial

'Nice guys' finish last because they're the kind of guys who let themselves finish last - they act like wussies, don't stand up for themselves and generally act too nicey nicey - too concerned about being perceived as nice, a good guy, and afraid to make a 'mistake' as an earlier poster pointed out.

You can be a nice guy while being the opposite of all the above - by being a real man: confident, not putting women on a pedestal, engaging them as a real man a sexual being and not afraid to hide it, being masculine, confident, assertive, etc...

lukin

nikolasjdsbs wrote: »

Afraid to say it but as a man I agree with a lot of what the OP says. Women are not that attracted to nice guys. I know one of the posters said no one is entitled to a relationship but if you treat people well, you deserve it back. I don’t want to start the Irish v foreign women thing but personally but in my experience foreign women are more appreciative. I'll leave it at that.
If the OP Doesn’t have a point well how come so many women are willing to put up with being cheated on..I mean seriously how many times have there been posts here about cheating boyfriends. The less you care the more you get back with women, treat em meet keep em keen as the saying goes..
To the OP, just book a holiday to the US. You’ll enjoy yourself.:D

Absolutely spot on. I know it kind of defies belief but it is true. At first I didn't really believe it myself but over time I've seen so many complete and utter assholes have success with the opposite sex that I have had my mind changed.
"All women love a bastard". Hard to believe but true.

Zombrex

lukin wrote: »

"All women love a bastard". Hard to believe but true.

Women don't love bastards. Women love attractive men (shock horror).

In terms of what women find attractive it has a lot to do with personality, such as confidence, power (even if that is just power within a social group), influence, success. Basically the alpha male.

Women like to feel that they are special for going out with someone special (he wants to be with me I must be important!), in the same way that guys like to feel they are special for going out with someone really attractive (I must be attractive to have a girl this attractive want to be with me!).

The problem with that, a problem a lot of women have a hard time recognizing, is that often men who are confidence, powerful, influential etc are actually bastards.

You can tell that women don't like bastards because the women wish the man wasn't a bastard, but held on to all the other attractive aspects.

Women aren't attracted to bastards who don't have these qualities, and equally they don't dump men who have these qualities who is also a nice guy.

So it isn't that they are bastards. it is that they are attractive bastards. And in the same way that a guy will stay with a boring bimbo who is physically attractive, a woman will stay with a bastard guy who is mentally attractive.

Which is where the whole notion that women try and change a man to be what they want, a successful powerful influential confident person who is also nice and kind and caring.

celestial

celestial wrote: »

'Nice guys' finish last because they're the kind of guys who let themselves finish last - they act like wussies, don't stand up for themselves and generally act too nicey nicey - too concerned about being perceived as nice, a good guy, and afraid to make a 'mistake' as an earlier poster pointed out.

You can be a nice guy while being the opposite of all the above - by being a real man: confident, not putting women on a pedestal, engaging them as a real man a sexual being and not afraid to hide it, being masculine, confident, assertive, etc...

Exactly, "nice" does not always have to mean "doormat" but too many people confuse the two.

Zombrex

bluewolf wrote: »

Exactly, "nice" does not always have to mean "doormat" but too many people confuse the two.

TBH honest any guy who think that being "nice" means he should be more successful with women is kinda missing the point of what a mature relationship is supposed to be about.

Its kinda like a girl saying that her new boobs should make men fall in love with her and want to marry her ...

Pigletlover

While I'm sure there's girls out there who would love to go out with someone like you, I think the majority of girls would just find you too nice. I'm not saying you should change who you are, but when a guy is too nice girls find it hard to see them as anything more than a friend. Fussing over people and bringing them coffee comes across as a bit desperate too, unless they do the same for you? Just try and relax a bit and don't be so eager to please, girls want to be treated right but will run a mile if you come on too heavy.

Wicknight

Wicknight wrote: »

TBH honest any guy who think that being "nice" means he should be more successful with women is kinda missing the point of what a mature relationship is supposed to be about.

Its kinda like a girl saying that her new boobs should make men fall in love with her and want to marry her ...

Yes, "I'm nice so why don't women want me! -insults women for not liking him-"...
Not that OP does this, but it happens.

Teddi

thanks again for the constructive replies guys...very appreciated

well.....I dont try to be too helpful/too nice as I am totally aware of how I come across to people as im a very analytical person. I do see quite alot of girls (not trying to come across "stud" like..but I know what I see) looking at me in that way (second,third glances)...I dress well and I carry myself quite well so im sure that has something to do with it.
I know that its not proper to think that because I'm nice, I deserve more credit for that, as its not always the first thing that a girl seeks for in a guy...Maybe my friendliness ruins any further progress??

Ive always wondered if there was this weird survey done, what people would say about me? what kind of person I am... I wouldnt be surprized if the majority of them said.."a nice,friendly,funny guy" and if that is the case...well I think ive hit the nail on the head there...

I think that I will be fortunate in the future when I find someone like me...as I was thinking the other day that I know one personality characteristic that id love to have in a potential girlfriend, was that she was a very friendly person, outgoing, considerate etc. I know id hit it off instantly with someone like that..but alas there are not that many that I know in my college like that..and if there are, they are taken

jdivision

It's not a great reflection on the girls you do all those things for if you don't find them very friendly, outgoing, considerate etc. To be honest I think you're overanalysing and have gone well past the paralysis by analysis stage. It happens, I'm guilty of it too. you like yourself but you're analysing everything you do in order to ensure you're liking yourself if you follow. You're constantly critiquing everything you do. You need to try and switch your mind off to that aspect of it, particularly when you're around a girl you like.

Teddi

jdivsion : if you read it again , i was saying that those personality aspects would be something id like in a potential girlfriend..not every girl i know!!!

so nothing is being reflected badly on the girls as im not seeking that within them, i may over analyse, but dont neccessarily see that as a bad thing, athough it can adverse effects on me. I have an incapability of being selfish, something which im trying to work on.

LegacyUser

Teddi wrote: »

I think that I will be fortunate in the future when I find someone like me...as I was thinking the other day that I know one personality characteristic that id love to have in a potential girlfriend, was that she was a very friendly person, outgoing, considerate etc. I know id hit it off instantly with someone like that..but alas there are not that many that I know in my college like that..and if there are, they are taken

OP, while it's very good to know what you want in a partner, it sounds to me from your posts that you are quite judgmental. To say that there are not many friendly, outgoing, considerate girls in your college sounds a bit arrogant. It's not a good idea to make sweeping generalisations about people. Maybe some girls are shy, maybe they've had some bad news....you really don't know what people are like until you get to know them.

From your posts, you give me the impression that you know everything about everyone so there's no real need to get to know them. You analyse, and are critical of, yourself. That's your business. Just don't assume you can analyse and be critical of everyone around you too.

LegacyUser

I don't normally reply to these but OP I'm exactly the same as you - but I'm 27. I've heard it all before - countless times having women shower me with every compliment you can imagine but ending it with I can only think of you as a friend... When it comes to beautiful women wanting to be my friend I'm fighting them off with a stick. I kiss them occasionally but it rarely goes any further...

To the girls who get offended when people say "Girls don't like nice guys" - please, wake up... Women love bastards, fact of life. There may be a small few girls out there who 'just want a nice kind man bla bla bla' but they are the minority. And if I may so bold as to say so, it's almost never the very good looking ones. Very good looking girls have men being nice to them everywhere they go. They want a challenge and a guy that is nice is no challenge. Women want a bastard / bad boy that they can change / mould into what they want them to be.

OP there are a few things that I have only learnt recently that seem to have had better results. The first thing is that most of this boils down to fear of rejection. If you take on a "I really don't give a F**k' attitude, women respond better than constantly being nice and understanding with them etc. Also, I used to find it incredibly hard to let women know I liked them, or I waited too long, and when you do there is rarely a change to get out of the friends zone. In a charming way let them know, quite directly, that you like them. If you don't get the response you want, just shrug it off like you really don't give a sh!t, and that they were not that nice or hot and you weren't that interested anyway. Then put your attention on one of her (less attractive) friends. All of us, especially women, want what they cannot have, and something that is put on a plate in front of you is rarely as attractive

Women talk about how they want a guy to be 'honest' - and really we do not realise how true (in ways) that this is. Say exactly what you feel (but have tact and common sense). Do not be afraid to tell a girl something that will (mildly) offend her or make her feel bad about herself. As long as you are being completely honest you will get away with it. In the long run it tells her you are not afraid of her and are not afraid to stand up for your own opinions. It all boils down to primitive instincts, a woman wants a man who can protect and provide fro her and her family - no matter how much she spots on about the 'independent woman' sh!te

If you have a lot of women friends be straight with them, tell them to separate themselves from the situation and give you advice on why they think you are in this situation. Your honest may even attract her, you never know. Be direct and ask her to hook you up with one of her friends who might be suited.

The one thing I have to tell you (and I wish someone had made me understand when I was 23 or younger) is if you keep doing what already do, you'll continue to get what you currently get" - or don't get in this case. You have to change. Be mysterious, don't give everything away. Be cocky and charming yet arrogant. Do a web search for David DeAngello or Ross Jeffries - some of the best known pick up artists and see how they describe it. Read "The Game" (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/The_Game:_Penetrating_the_Secret_Society_of_Pickup_Artists)

let us know how you get on

Teddi

sunnydayz....

for one...ive been in the college 4 years....I know alot of people in my college in varying years...at the end of the day..ITS MY OPINION....im not making it out like i know everything..I have a good head on my shoulders and im going on observations and how people interact with me...

I make people feel as welcome as possible when I meet them,so if they still feel shy, well theres nothing that i can do about that.

DawnMc

OP,
I gotta disagree with a lot that is said here. Seems perhaps you are going after the wrong girls? There's a lot of guys out there who want relationships and seem to end up with what they refer to as 'bitches' and a lot of girls who end up with 'bastards'. I personally think it's what you put out there. If you set in your mind that you want to be with a certain 'type' of person, then you will attract them.

sobriquet

OP, I re-read the thread and something struck me. Perhaps I missed it, but for all your statements about yourself, you don't actually state that you're pursuing these girls that you like. You befriend them, or they befriend you or whatever, but... do you actually flirt and unequivocally make a move on them, ask them out or whatever? The ex with the major issues - did you pursue her or did she pursue you? Or did it just sort of happen?

One thing that runs through all your posts is the repeated statements about who you are or are not (you're a nice guy; you're not a lager lout with macho'ness) and statements about what women are or aren't doing - specifically, they're not becoming your girlfriend. I may be completely wrong, but I detect a tone of passive aggressiveness from the writing, though mind you mainly because I recognise it from the sobriquet of christmases past.

And +1 to Wicknights post re: how teh wimminz love the bastards.

littlemonster

littlemonster wrote: »

To the girls who get offended when people say "Girls don't like nice guys" - please, wake up... Women love bastards, fact of life. There may be a small few girls out there who 'just want a nice kind man bla bla bla' but they are the minority. And if I may so bold as to say so, it's almost never the very good looking ones. Very good looking girls have men being nice to them everywhere they go. They want a challenge and a guy that is nice is no challenge. Women want a bastard / bad boy that they can change / mould into what they want them to be.

I think alot of nerds defacto describe themselves as "nice guys", when actually they are just mild mannered, a touch dull really.

True Kindnest, strikes a cord with the majority of women, because we have a deep desire to be cared for, because that validates our sense of self worth.
In much the same way that pulling a woman who is clearly out of his league validates a mans.

Yes Mystery is an effective pulling tool, yes people can get bored of the game if they don't feel a challenge.
But the game is just that, a game. When you actually fall in Love you usually have little say in it, your hard won preconcieved notions are obliterated by raw hormones. And you end up bemused at the futility of it all.