'Walks into a bar' jokes

Conor108

I'll post 2 because I'm in a rush but add some more, people! Cooperation!


An Irish Man walks out of a bar

A dyslexic man walks into a bra.....

^actually told to me by a friend who's dyslexic:D

Oman

a man walks into a bar and says ''ouff'' or ''oww''

The Bollox

I dunno if Hagar will allow this one, but what the hay, it's on topic

a horse walks into a bar
the bar tender asks "why the long face?"
the horse replies "I have AIDS"

Lolocaust material I know, but it's hilarious

h57xiucj2z946q

a guy walks into a bar,
he made shìte of his head

forbairt

2 guys walk into a bar ... which was really stupid cus the second one really should have seen it ...


*takes coat*

Sam Vimes

a surrealist walks into a banana

Sam Vimes

a man walks into a bar with a roll of tarmac under his arm...

"large beer please, and one for the road"

forbairt

*hangs up coat*

A soccer ball walks into a bar. The bartender kicked him out.

A magician walks down an alley and turns into a bar.

A neutron walks into a bar and orders a beer. The bartender sets the beer down and says, "For you, no charge!"

A hamburger walks into a bar and the bartender says, "Sorry, we don't serve food in here."

Celine Dion walks into a bar. The bartender says, "So, why the long face?"

A grasshopper hops into a bar. The bartender says, "You're quite a celebrity around here. We've even got a drink named after you." The grasshopper says, "You've got a drink named Steve?"

A goldfish walks into a bar and looks at the bartender. The bartender asks, "What can I get you?" The goldfish says, "Water."

A polar bear, a giraffe and a penguin walk into a bar. The bartender says, "What is this? Some kind of joke?"

Shakespeare walks into a bar and asks the bartender for a beer. "I can't serve you." says the bartender. "You're Bard!"

An Irishman walks out of a bar. Hey, it COULD happen!


*takes coat ... exit .. stage left .. *

forbairt

These two strings walk up to a bar. The first string walks in and orders and the bartender throws him out and yells "I don't serve strings in this bar. The other string ruffs himself up on the street and curls up and orders. The bartender shouts, "Hey, didn't you hear what I told your buddy?"
The string says "Yeah."
The bartender says, "aren't you a string?"
The string says, "No, I'm a frayed knot..."

beans

Shakespeare walks into a bar.

The barman takes one look at him and says "You're Bard"...

Hagar

A penguin walks into a bar and says "Was my brother in here earlier?"
Barman says "Dunno, what's he look like?"

helios

A man walks into a bar and says 'ouch!'

Fringe

f(x) = x2 + 2x + 6 walks into a bar. The bartender says sorry but we don't do functions.

Sinfonia

The Bollox wrote: »

I dunno if Hagar will allow this one, but what the hay, it's on topic

a horse walks into a bar
the bar tender asks "why the long face?"
the horse replies "I have AIDS"

Lolocaust material I know, but it's hilarious

Commander Vimes wrote: »

a surrealist walks into a banana

Rolling On Floor Laughing


An amnesiac walks into a bar and asks, "Do I come here often?"

A man walks into a bar holding jumper cables. The bartender says "You can come in, but don't start anything!"

(A long geeky music theory based one now)
C, E-flat and G go into a bar.
The bartender says, "Sorry, but we don't serve minors"
So E-Flat leaves and C and G have an open 5th between them.

After a few drinks the 5th is diminished and the G is out flat. An F comes in and tries to augment the situation but is not sharp enough. A D comes into the bar and heads straight for the bathroom saying,"Excuse me, I'll just be a second"

An A comes into the bar but the bartender is not convinced this relative of C is not a minor.

Eventually C sobers up and realises in horror he is under a rest. The C is brought to trial, found guilty of contributing to the diminution of a minor, and is sentenced to 10 years of DS without Coda at an upscale correctional facility. On appeal, however, the C is found innocent of any wrong doing, even accidental, and that all accusations to the contrary are bassless.

(And that would be my cue to leave...)

ROCKMAN

Man walks into a bar with an crocodile ,Barman say I am not serving that crocodile here, The man says that this is the worlds friendliest crocodile I'll prove it...
So he steps back, Drops this pants Grabs his manhood Opens the crocodiles mouth and puts his manhood into the mouth....He then hits the crocodile a full force punch in the head. The crocodile does nothing..
The man then ask if anybody would like to try this...


One man says I'll try it





Once you do not hit me as hard.................

Fuzzy_Dunlop

'Three blokes go into a bar. Something happens. The outcome was hilarious!'

'Three blokes go into a bar. One of them is a little bit stupid, and the whole scene unfolds with a tedious inevitability.'

'Three blind mice walk into a bar. But they are all unaware of their surroundings, so to derive humour from it would be expoitative.'

Bill Baileys finest

bangersandmash

Sigmund Freud walks into a penis emmm a bar

Capt'n Midnight

This guy comes into a bar with a piece of tarmac,
"can I have a pint, and one for the road"

Later on a piece of red tarmac enters the bar.
The first piece of tarmac ducks down under the table.
The guy asks what's going on, and the tarmac says
"don't make eye contact, he's a f***ing cycle path"

forbairt

Capt'n Midnight wrote: »

"don't make eye contact, he's a cycle path"

I find it needs a ... "he's a ****ing cycle path"

but then maybe I should just wash my mouth out with soap

Capt'n Midnight

A duck walks into a bar and tells the bartender,
"gimme a shot of whisky and put it on my bill!"

Oman

guy walks into a bar and says ''crocodile sandwich and make it snappy''

Dont be at yourself

Two builders walk into a bar, sit down at a table and take out some sandwiches. They are just about to take their first bite, when the barman shouts 'Hey! You can't eat your own food in here!'

So they swap sandwiches.

Capt'n Midnight

This guy walks into a bar,
it was hollow.

kev_s88

ive got a few jokes here so brace yourselves....

A man walks into a bar and says, "Give me a beer before problems start!" Again, the man orders a beer again saying, "Give me a beer before problems start!" The bartender looks confused. This goes on for a while, and after the fifth beer the bartender is totally confused and asks the man, "When are you going to pay for these beers?" The man answers, "Ah, now the problems start!"

A pig goes into a bar and orders ten drinks. He finishes them up and the bartender says, "Don't you need to know where the bathroom is?" The pig says, "No, I go wee wee all the way home."

A bear walked into a bar and says, "I'll have a beer............and some of those peanuts." The bartender says, "Why the big pause?"

A brain walks into a bar and orders a pint of beer. The barman says, "I'm not serving you, you're out of your head!"

A guy walks into a bar on top of a ski skraper. He sits down next to a buff looking guy who looks like he had a little more booze than he can handle.
The buff guy looks at the bar tender and then at him and says
`'hey, did you know that this building is construckded in such a way that if I was to jump out the window and the wind would glide me safely to the ground. The man, who decided he could use a laugh said, 'prove it.'
So the guy walks over to the window and jumps out. A few minutes later he walks back into the bar and says, 'told ya.'
He looks at the bar tender who is shaking his head and laughing, and says, 'do that again.' So he does it again. The man astondished walks out to the window and jumps out and falls 100 stories to his death.
The bar tender looks at the buff man and says, 'you now, you are a real asshole when you're drinking, Superman

r3nu4l

A Texan walks into a bar and proceeds to tell everyone who'll listen that he's from Texas and that his great-great-grandpappy was Irish and a lover of stout.

He then says that his great-great grandpappy told his grandpappy that all Irishmen could drink ten pints of stout in a row without stopping. So the Texan says he'd like to see this done because as a Texan he can only drink five in a row and doesn't believe an Irishman could do any better.

He says:

"I'll bet any man in this pub 10,000 dollars that none of you can do it!"
With that one of the barflys, Michael Rafferty shakes his head and leaves the pub. So the Texan keeps bragging that it can't be done until 15 minutes later Rafferty walks back in and orders 10 pints of Guinness.

The barman starts pouring and as quick as he pours them Rafferty is draining them without spilling a drop until finally he slams the empty 10th pint glass down on the bar.

The Texan is flabbergasted and says to Rafferty "Why I can't believe you did it, is there a trick to it, I couldn't help but notice that you went out for 15 minutes before attempting it?"

Rafferty just shakes his head and says "No! There's no trick, I just had to go to Madigans first to see if I could do it before accepting your bet".

Zapho

A skeleton walks into a bar and askes for a pint and a mop.

A diamund walks into a bar and says "Can I have one of dem?".....Barman: "One of which? Whiskey?" Diamund: "No, no, dem dere...<pointing>" Barman: "Coke?". Diamund: "No, no, dem dere........ de Beres."

A Limerick man walks into a bar, and as soon as he does, this other man comes up and whispers "do you want a blowjob" in his ear. So the Limerick man proceeds to beat seven kinds of sh!t out of the man, ending it by smashing his head on the counter and then tossing him out the pub. The barman asks "What did he say to you?!" The Limerick man responds "Something about a job......"

r3nu4l

Zapho wrote: »

A Limerick man walks into a bar, and as soon as he does, this other man comes up and whispers "do you want a blowjob" in his ear. So the Limerick man proceeds to beat seven kinds of sh!t out of the man, ending it by smashing his head on the counter and then tossing him out the pub. The barman asks "What did he say to you?!" The Limerick man responds "Something about a job......"

That's brilliant

randombar

bangersandmash wrote: »

Sigmund Freud walks into a penis emmm a bar

OUTSTANDING!!!!!

jester77

Man walks into a bar with a giraffe and orders a round of whiskey. Looking slightly confused the barman gives him 2 whiskeys. Man drinks one, giraffe the other. This continued on into the night until the giraffe falls over. Man gets up to leave but the barman yell "You can't leave the lyin' there". Man turns round and replies "That's not a lion, it's a giraffe" and leaves!!


Man walks into a bar and orders a pint and walks over to a bunch of strangers in the corner. Few minutes later he goes up to the bar and says to the barman "I bet you €500 I could stand on the bar and piss into a pint glass at the other end and not spill a drop" Barman looking astonished thinks to himself that this is an easy €500 and agrees. Man stands on bar and pisses all over the bar without getting a drop in the glass. Barman laughs and says "You owe me €500". Man takes out his wallet smiling and hands over €500. Barman curious asks "Why are you smiling if you just lost €500?". Man replies "I just bet that bunch of lads in the corner €1000 that I could stand on your bar, piss all over it and that you would laugh"

Simply Red

A guy walks into a bar with a lizard sitting on his shoulder.
He says to the barman, "A double whiskey for me and," pointing to the lizard, "A half-pint of Guinness for Tiny here."
"Why do you call him Tiny?".
The man answered, "Because he's my newt"


Two oranges walk into a pub and one says to the other: "You're round"

A Primal Nut

I apologise in advance...

A brain walks into a bar. "You're not getting in!" "Why not?" "Coz you're out of your head"!

A guitar transcriber walks into a bar "sorry, I've no notes, but can you put all drinks on my tab?"

A door walks into a bar. Barman says: "Can't serve you, you're locked!"

Same as above joke but swap the word door for rope and the word locked for twisted.

Chinaman walks into bar. Barman: "I'm not serving you, your too young!" Chinaman: "How'd ya know my name?"

Sofaspud

SumGuy wrote: »

(A long geeky music theory based one now)
C, E-flat and G go into a bar.
The bartender says, "Sorry, but we don't serve minors"
So E-Flat leaves and C and G have an open 5th between them.

After a few drinks the 5th is diminished and the G is out flat. An F comes in and tries to augment the situation but is not sharp enough. A D comes into the bar and heads straight for the bathroom saying,"Excuse me, I'll just be a second"

An A comes into the bar but the bartender is not convinced this relative of C is not a minor.

Eventually C sobers up and realises in horror he is under a rest. The C is brought to trial, found guilty of contributing to the diminution of a minor, and is sentenced to 10 years of DS without Coda at an upscale correctional facility. On appeal, however, the C is found innocent of any wrong doing, even accidental, and that all accusations to the contrary are bassless.

(And that would be my cue to leave...)

That last bit should've been "And on that note, I'll leave"

Missed opportunity!

forbairt

Sofaspud wrote: »

That last bit should've been "And on that note, I'll leave"

Missed opportunity!

Oman

two fat men walk into a bar.
one lad says ''your round''
other says ''so are you!''

The guy

An epileptic walks into a rave.