Excuse Thread

Gillo

Maybe this should be stickified for the good of all brothers

Here's my problem. It's my day off today and the missus want's me to lay the lawn. This apparently involves removing all the stones from the surface, levels the soil and spreading a load of seeds. I on the other hand, prefer to spend my day off, reading Boards, drinking a few bottles of Erdinger, having a smoke, maybe watching a DVD, hell I might even splash out and get dressed.

I need's to come up with some sort of excuse, for when she gets home. I could tell the truth and say "yeah, I meant to but I couldn't be bothered". I guessing a lot of Brothers have been in similar situation's so whats the best excuse for not doing the chore's????

Hellm0

I always use the physical illness excuse myself but seeing as this may be a reoccuring one I'd say use delay tactics. Find a reason your unable to do the job due to lack of knowledge...for me not cutting the grass is due to my inability to fix the lawnmower(I dont acually know if its broken).

A quick sudjestion off the top of my head is that you read somewhere the seeds require at least a weeks dry weather before you can lay them otherwise they'll just rot(in dry weather claim they'll get eaten by birds). Implausible I know but it -might- work.

Blitzkrieger

Just tell her you were too busy shagging the neighbour......

Dun laoire

Why dont you use the auld reliable "a big snail bit my finger and i had to go to the hospital to get an injection" trick. Works for me all the time

Slow Motion

Planting season is over, it's too late in the year and there is no point in doing anything until spring at least as the seeds just won't take and you'll end up having to do it again in about Feb or March anyway. End of....

_blank_

Slow Motion wrote:

Planting season is over, it's too late in the year and there is no point in doing anything until spring at least as the seeds just won't take and you'll end up having to do it again in about Feb or March anyway. End of....

You know bit much about gardening tbh.

Brother gillo, tell her you have a toothache.

She can't prove otherwise. Then tell her you have to go to the dentist, pop to the pub for a while, and when you come back drunk you can pretend not to be able to talk, and that the drunken daze is actually from the anasthetic.

smashey

Meh. Tell her to do it herself. You're on a day off.

Gillo

Sweet tooth ache sounds good.

What about other general excuses?
Falling in the door at 5am, after you go for one quick pint after work
General not doing stuff around the house
Watching the footies
Renting DVD's, why chick flicks are not allowed, (Although some of those fitness ones can make good viewing)

Slow Motion

DesF wrote:

You know bit much about gardening tbh.

Sad but true, worked as a gardner for a while.

John Mason

Slow Motion wrote:

Planting season is over, it's too late in the year and there is no point in doing anything until spring at least as the seeds just won't take and you'll end up having to do it again in about Feb or March anyway. End of....

was going to say the exact same thing, but slow mo got in there before me.

slow by name but not by nature.

tell your wife to cope on and if she wants the lawn laid to do it herself, its your day off - END OF

JohnnyStones

go out and start the job but break the mower after a few minute's don't know what type of mower you have but an electric one would be easier to sabotage, just take out the fuse, but if its a petrol one you may have the f**k up the blades, a few stones should do the job;)

JohnnyStones

sorry you said "lay the lawn" i thought mow the law:o so wrecking the mower won't help much:o

tell her you've hurt your back!!:)

trout

Excuses are small time, and she will be anticipating them. What you must do, Brother Gillo, is outmanouver your lady ... for her own good. Bear in mind ... if any kind of lawn is in place, she will be plaguing you to mow it for the rest of your days.

Follow my rationale, you will find no flaw in the logic.

1) Agree completely with your bitter half... the garden is a state and needs some attention ASAFP
2) She will be dazed & confused by this statement ... wait 2 mins.
3) Tell her you have been thinking about this for some time now. DO NOT SMILE!
4) Again, she will be dazed & confused by this statement. See 2 above
5) Tell her you want decking... just like <insert posh friend's name here>
6) Raise eyebrows in a knowing and meaningful manner. DO NOT SMILE!
7) Tell her decking is best installed by experts, so it is.
7a) You'd hate to make a mess of it. It will add value and extra living space to the house.
8) This is the coup de grace ... explain you were hesitant to arrange for decking without consulting her in advance, but that now you know she is all in favour for it ... you will get right on it.
9) Request she sorts out the deck furniture. Shopping for deck furniture is thrilling for the ladies, as it involves two of their favourite activities (shopping & furniture) as well as a taste of the dark side, as they percieve decks to be 'man stuff'. Ha!

This should give you two, mebbe three weeks peace, depending on the lady in question. :cool:

If she mumbles or demurs in any way ... say that decking is low maintenance, and very stylish ... and she can have her friends around in the summer evenings for soirees and the likes.

If she is still resistant to your arguments ... slip her a brochure on Patio Heaters & Chimineas (DO NOT READ!)

Slow Motion

irishbird wrote:

slow by name but not by nature.

Only in certain circumstances

Corksham

It may be a temporary (and possibly expensive!!) measure but leg it to shops get her some of her favorite girly tipple, cook her favorite meal or easier still order a takeaway, buy some girly mags, rent a dvd she's been meaning to watch and instead of moaning over the work not done when she gets in there may be more pleasant moans in store (so to speak).

FlutterinBantam

Jeeebus on the Cross!!!

Just bone her up the shítter and the lawn will be the least of her problems....jeesh.:eek:

Slow Motion

Corksham wrote:

It may be a temporary (and possibly expensive!!) measure but leg it to shops get her some of her favorite girly tipple, cook her favorite meal or easier still order a takeaway, buy some girly mags, rent a dvd she's been meaning to watch and instead of moaning over the work not done when she gets in there may be more pleasant moans in store (so to speak).

What the hell are you talking about man ! Shops ? Cook ? Which metrosexual forum did you mean to post that in ?

ibh

Corksham wrote:

It may be a temporary (and possibly expensive!!) measure but leg it to shops get her some of her favorite girly tipple, cook her favorite meal or easier still order a takeaway, buy some girly mags, rent a dvd she's been meaning to watch and instead of moaning over the work not done when she gets in there may be more pleasant moans in store (so to speak).

That idea is terrible... Where di you hear about these things? Tipple? WTF...
If i was faced with a day involving any of that shíte i'd haul my ass into work rather than do ANY of the above.. (No wait, in certain circumstances i could order takeaway. But i'm not budging on any of the other crap..)

Did you read his idea of a good day off? It involved Erdinger and sitting around and smoking..

JohnnyStones

Corksham wrote:

It may be a temporary (and possibly expensive!!) measure but leg it to shops get her some of her favorite girly tipple, cook her favorite meal or easier still order a takeaway, buy some girly mags, rent a dvd she's been meaning to watch and instead of moaning over the work not done when she gets in there may be more pleasant moans in store (so to speak).

That's more work and sound's less enjoyable than digging the garden!!!

slavetothegrind

Whilst i applaud the deviousness of brother trout's solution i fear it is temporary.

Far better would be to avail yerself of her credit card and from the comfort of yer armchair with erdinger in hand ( or indeed Budvar, a worthy beer also!)
call local handy man with instructions to cover back yard in concrete,
end of any possible future maintenance, and as per brother Trouts post endless shopping trips for wimmin to buy potted this and that or whatever lives out there, as long as it doesn't interfere with the Sky dish or viewing of programming from same.

If feeling lively of thought instruct handyman to make cobbledy effect in concrete and to stain it darkly and then tell yer missus ye recreated auld dublin in the yard!
Neighbours dog will no doubt add poo for realism....

Zaph

A Brother should not have to make excuses for his behaviour to the wimmins.

I concur with Brothers Zaph and Smashey.

Quint

Do the job so bad that you'll never be asked again. Although it's not exactly a re-occuring job. That method works better for daily jobs, like emptying the dishwasher. Put the plates in the fridge, say you thought it was the plate press. No better satisfaction than doing a job half assed and never being asked to do it again.

Jesus Wept

Quint wrote:

Do the job so bad that you'll never be asked again. Although it's not exactly a re-occuring job. That method works better for daily jobs, like emptying the dishwasher. Put the plates in the fridge, say you thought it was the plate press. No better satisfaction than doing a job half assed and never being asked to do it again.

Good idea, if not for that.

admiralofthefleet

Blitzkrieger wrote: »

Just tell her you were too busy shagging the neighbour......

solid advice, works everytime

randylonghorn

gillo wrote: »

... the missus want's me to lay the lawn.

Tell her that you swore on your wedding day that you only thing you would ever lay thereafter would be her, and that you are a man of your word!

Jesus Wept

randylonghorn wrote: »

Tell her that you swore on your wedding day that you only thing you would ever lay thereafter would be her, and that you are a man of your word!

They must of modernised the vows?

Gillo

Got it sorted in the end-
Just for reference buy a massive amount of top soil, it saves on a lot of the actual digging and really hard labour. Have a nasty feeling I used too much seed but hey the more the merrier!!

Also to remember that that sort of work makes your muscles arch, so after cooking you dinner she really does have to give you a massage.

Reg'stoy

Tell her that as a surprise for her birthday, wedding/first date anniversary (they have so many anniversarys :mad:) you have gotten Diarmuid Gavin from RTE to do over the garden, so it would now be pointless for you to lay the turf.

If she's anything like most women she'll be wetting herself at the thoughts of Diarmuid 'I don't care if he has mucky fingernails' Gavin being in her house that she'll start that diet she's been talking about for the last few years. That should give you a few months grace :rolleyes:.

When she eventually gets pissed off that he hasn't made an appearence. Tell her that RTE have decided not to make the program and the soliciter you have hired to sue them (because of the emotional distress your lesser half has suffered ) has advised you that your garden should be left in as great a mess as possible. The reason being, he reckons your looking at big money in a claim, unfortunatly this claim may take years.

Hopefully in a couple of years you will have traded up your house or women and therefore the garden is no longer a problem.

pretty-in-pink

Gillo? You're married? Well I never, and the things you be saying........

Tell her that the hot neighbour girl distracted you, asking about DIY questions, and you felt a bit creeped out as she's only 18, and really a bit to young for you. Mention that se always seems to be outside, in revealing cothes whenever you leave the house. Also mention that she seems to like your muscles, as she keeps touching them. She'll never ask you to work outdoors again.

Gillo

Gillo married? nope, fighting the inevitable

PIP in Beer Gut & receding hair? WTF

pretty-in-pink

Fighting it......I see

Yeah I go to all the cool places.....

randylonghorn

pretty-in-pink wrote: »

Tell her that the hot neighbour girl distracted you, asking about DIY questions, and you felt a bit creeped out as she's only 18, and really a bit to young for you. Mention that se always seems to be outside, in revealing cothes whenever you leave the house. Also mention that she seems to like your muscles, as she keeps touching them. She'll never ask you to work outdoors again.

That's actually bloody good!!

jester77

Get some of the neighbours kids to do it for you and pay them with beer, usually a better incentive than money. But don't be paying them with premium beer, they'll be happy enough with some cheap beer from Lidl. Then pass it off as your own work and you'll be in the good books, and she'll buy you some premium beer in gratitude, thus earning you a return on investment!

Gillo

Exchanging cheap beer for a quality Weiss Beer, I like it. I know a bloke who tried a similiar trick with water & wine, he managed to get a book deal and some good merchantiseing rights out of it.

Wouldn't I was in Lidl yesterday and all, funny thing is I was picking up those Weiss beer glasses they had:D Forward planning

PIP I like your plan too, could be harder to pull off though

Gillo

pretty-in-pink wrote: »

Yeah I go to all the cool places.....

And you want to go to Fibbers????

Zaph

gillo wrote: »

Also to remember that that sort of work makes your muscles arch, so after cooking you dinner she really does have to give you a massage.

A massage is not worth the effort you would have to expend in order to get it. You have much to learn young Paduan.

pretty-in-pink

randylonghorn wrote: »

That's actually bloody good!!

gillo wrote: »

Exchanging cheap beer for a quality Weiss Beer, I like it. I know a bloke who tried a similiar trick with water & wine, he managed to get a book deal and some good merchantiseing rights out of it.

Wouldn't I was in Lidl yesterday and all, funny thing is I was picking up those Weiss beer glasses they had:D Forward planning

PIP I like your plan too, could be harder to pull off though

Thanks guys, UI do read FHM ometimes, and JEff Green. Funny cause itstrue. Well either that or I'm just a very easy going person who delights in the foibles of menfolk

Nevyn

gillo wrote: »

Maybe this should be stickified for the good of all brothers

Here's my problem. It's my day off today and the missus want's me to lay the lawn. This apparently involves removing all the stones from the surface, levels the soil and spreading a load of seeds. I on the other hand, prefer to spend my day off, reading Boards, drinking a few bottles of Erdinger, having a smoke, maybe watching a DVD, hell I might even splash out and get dressed.

I need's to come up with some sort of excuse, for when she gets home. I could tell the truth and say "yeah, I meant to but I couldn't be bothered". I guessing a lot of Brothers have been in similar situation's so whats the best excuse for not doing the chore's????

Knowing it was your day off you should have had vigorous morning sex that way you can say you put your back out humping her.

pretty-in-pink

Thaedydal wrote: »

Knowing it was your day off you should have had vigorous morning sex that way you can say you put your back out humping her.

ooooooooooooh I like that one too

Zaph

In fairness, one of the Brothers should have thought of that one. DOH!

smashey

Actually, I put her back out, thus confining her to bed and giving her something more important to worry about.

Nevyn

zaph wrote: »

In fairness, one of the Brothers should have thought of that one. DOH!

My, that is quiet a compliment

Gillo

zaph wrote: »

In fairness, one of the Brothers should have thought of that one. DOH!

The brother's realised that she was at work that day and thus up and out early!!
That said I'll bear it in mind.

Reminds me of a guy I was working with years ago, who appeared for work about two hours late one Saturday morning, when confronted my the manager he came out with the perfect excuse; he'd met some girl in a club the previous night and brought her back when he woke up this (that) morning he figured I can go to work or be late a have a good $hag. Cheeky lad got away with it!!!

someothername

you could always say that you would require "payment in advance" for the work she wants you to do.......
then request something that you know the wimmins dont like offering...

you know she wont - which means you cant do the work.
sorted!