How wimmin should treat men

GLaDOS

Not going to claim credit, but I feel it should be shared

http://www.boards.ie/vbulletin/showthread.php?t=2055160522

Jesus Wept

ScienceNerd wrote:

Not going to claim credit, but I feel it should be shared

http://www.boards.ie/vbulletin/showthread.php?t=2055160522

Pasted for my lazy Brothers...


1. If you’re cooking a special dinner for a man, be sure to include something from each of the four major male food groups: Meat, Fried, Beer, and Red.


2. When he asks for a threesome with you and your best friend, he is only joking.
* Unless the answer is yes.
* In which case, can he videotape it?


3. Any sort of injury involving the testicles is not funny. Seriously.


4. Don’t make him hold your purse in the mall. It does something to our manhood.


5. Shopping is not fascinating. Ever.


6. It is only common courtesy to leave the toilet seat up when you’re done.


7. If you really want a nice guy, stop dating good-looking assholes.


8. The man is always in charge of poking the campfire with a stick and/or tending the grill.


9. Trying to provoke a large, dangerous-looking felon from across the room is not funny.


10. Don’t hog the covers. Really.


11. If he has to sit through “Legends of the Fall”, you have to sit through “Showgirls”.


12. “Fine.” is not an acceptable way to end an argument.


13. Money does not equate love. Not even in Nevada.


14. If you truly want honesty, don’t ask questions you don’t really want the answer to.


15. Of course he wants another beer.


16. The guy doesn’t always have to sleep on the wet spot.


17. Dogs good. Cats bad. Grrrrrrr….


18. He does not want to be just friends.


19. Do not question a man’s innate navigational abilities by suggesting he stop for directions.


20. He was not looking at that other girl.
* Well, okay… maybe a little.
* Okay, so what! He was looking at her. Big deal. Like you never looked at another guy…


21. He is the funniest, strongest, best-looking, most successful man you have ever met. a) And all your friends think so too. Especially the cute ones.


22. Your (select appropriate item butt/boobs/hair/makeup/legs look fine. As a matter of fact, it/they look damn good. Stop asking.


23. If you want a satisfying sex life, you will never fake an orgasm. Ever.


24. Despite the overwhelming evidence to the contrary in many of the fine bars and fraternities throughout the country, not all men are cretins deserving your contempt.


25. It is not necessary to discuss the heaviness of your menstrual flow with him.


26. Remember: that Nair bottle looks an awful lot like shampoo if left in the shower.


27. Two words: blow job. Learn it. Live it. Love it. Did I mention Love it?


28. Any attempt by a man to prepare food, no matter how feeble (ie: Microwaving a burrito, fixing Spaghetti, etc) should be met with roughly the same degree of praise a parent might shower upon their infant when it walks for the first time.


29. Those male models with perfect bodies are all gay. Accept it.


30. He heard you the first time. Honest.


31. You know, you can ask him out too… Let’s spread the rejection around a little.


32. Dirty laundry comes in several categories: Looks fine/smells fine, Looks fine/smells bad, Looks dirty/smells fine. Unless you intend to wash it, do not try to disrupt piles organized in this manner.


33. Yes, Sharon Stone/Pamela Anderson/Cindy Crawford is prettier than you. Just like Brad Pitt/Antonio Banderas/Keanu Reeves is better looking than him. But since neither one of you is going to be dating any of these people, love the one you’re with.


34. Of course size matters, and boy does he have the grandaddy of them all.


35. His (fill in appropriate selections bald spot/beer gut/impossibly thick glasses/impotency/scabby rash, is cute.


36. Watching football is a major turn-on for you. But please wait until the halftime show to act upon that…


37. A successful date always starts with the woman uttering the sentence: “You know, why don’t we just skip the expensive dinner and stay here having freaky circus sex all night?”

The Hill Billy

I read 1 to 5 then skipped to the last one. Doubt if I missed much. Too much effort on a Friday morning.

Maple

I should think that learning no.27 would be sufficient enough to keep any man happy.

ibh

You are right Maple. The rest is really just to fill out the list a bit.
although No.26 is the makings of a pretty good health warning...

ibh

Not quite on topic, but interesting none the less, not to mention fcuking true..

THE PERFECT DAY FOR HER…
8:15 Wake up to hugs and kisses
8:30 Weigh-in 2 kgs lighter than yesterday
8:45 Breakfast in bed—freshly squeezed orange juice and
croissants; open presents- expensive jewellery chosen by
thoughtful partner
9:15 Soothing hot bath with frangipani bath oil
10:00 Light work-out at club with sexy, funny personal trainer
10:30 Facial, manicure, makeup application, shampoo, condition,
blow wave
12:00 Lunch with best friend at fashionable outdoor café
12:45 Catch sight of partner’s ex and notice that she has gained
17 kgs
1:00 Shopping with friends: unlimited credit
3:00 Nap
4:00 Three dozen roses delivered by florist; card is from
secret admirer
4:15 Massage from strong but gentle hunk—says he rarely gets
to work on such a perfect body
5:30 Choose outfit from expensive designer wardrobe
7:30 Candlelit dinner for two followed by dancing, with compliments
received from other diners/ dancers
10:00 Hot shower- alone
10:50 Carried to bed… freshly ironed, crisp, white linen
11:00 Pillow talk, light touching and cuddling
11:15 Fall asleep in his big, strong arms
THE PERFECT DAY FOR HIM…
6:00 Alarm
6:15 Blow job
6:30 Massive, satisfying **** while reading the sports section
7:00 Breakfast—steak and eggs, coffee and toast—all cooked by naked,
buxom wench who bends over a lot
7:30 Limo arrives
7:45 Several beers en route to the airport
9:15 Flight in personal Lear jet
9:30 Limo to Mirage Resort Golf Club (blow job en-route)
9:45 Play front nine (2 under par)
11:45 Lunch—steak and lobster, 3 beers and bottle of Dom Perignon
12:15 Blow job
12:30 Play back nine (4 under)
2:15 Limo back to airport (several bourbons)
2:30 Fly to Bahamas
3:30 Late afternoon fishing expedition with all-female crew, all nude
who also bend over a lot
4:30 Land world record Marlin (1234lbs)—on light tackle
5:00 Fly home, massage and hand job by naked Elle MacPherson
(bending over, naturally)
6:45 ****, shower and shave
7:00 Watch news—Michael Jackson assassinated
7:30 Dinner—lobster appetisers, Dom Perignon (1953), big juicy
fillet steak followed by ice cream served on a big pair of tits
9:00 Napoleon Brandy and Habanos cigars in front of wall-sized TV
as you watch football game
9:30 Sex with three women, all with lesbian tendencies
11:00 Massage and Jacuzzi with tasty pizza snacks and a cleansing beer
11:30 Night-cap blow job
11:45 In bed alone
11:50 A 22-second fart which changes note 4 times and forces the dog to leave the room
11:51 Laugh yourself to sleep

John Mason

**If you want a satisfying sex life, you will never fake an orgasm. Ever.**

okay so what do we do, you are obvisiouly arent hitting the right spots and we are bored and want to watch corrie?

The Hill Billy

irishbird wrote:

okay so what do we do

Try harder damnit!

cance

Hill Billy wrote:

Try harder damnit!

take what yer given and like it!

Maple

cance wrote:

take what yer given and like it!

a true neanderthal here!

Jesus Wept

irishbird wrote:

**If you want a satisfying sex life, you will never fake an orgasm. Ever.**

okay so what do we do, you are obvisiouly arent hitting the right spots and we are bored and want to watch corrie?

Take some ownership. You wouldn't hear a man saying 'lads, she just didn't hit the right spots'.

:D

John Mason

The-Rigger wrote:

Take some ownership. You wouldn't hear a man saying 'lads, she just didn't hit the right spots'.

:D

even with a map, a compass and stat nav, wouldnt help

ibh

irishbird wrote:

even with a map, a compass and stat nav, wouldnt help

Unfortunately for you rule No.19 is in place therefore he will not be stopping to ask for directions or consulting any maps....!

Much the same as a journey i once made from dundalk to Dungloe, you are just going to have to wait till he finds said destination, his way!!!

KamiKazi

wtf is stat nav?

smashey

Somebody mentioned orgasms?

Meh. Men are guaranteed an orgasm every time.

Jesus Wept

KamiKazi wrote:

wtf is stat nav?

That's what wimmins think 'Sat nav' is called. Bless.

Maple

irishbird wrote:

**If you want a satisfying sex life, you will never fake an orgasm. Ever.**

okay so what do we do, you are obvisiouly arent hitting the right spots and we are bored and want to watch corrie?

grab his ears and direct him.

Zaph

17. Dogs good. Cats bad. Grrrrrrr….

I had this very discussion with 3 women in work today. They just kept failing to see the error of their ways. :rolleyes:

smashey

The only good cat is a dead cat.

Jesus Wept

zaph wrote:

I had this very discussion with 3 women in work today. They just kept failing to see the error of their ways. :rolleyes:

All cats should be put down.

bronte

Not my kitteh! surely not! :eek:

AlmightyCushion

smashey wrote:

The only good cat is a dead cat.

Or a lol cat.

Jesus Wept

AlmightyCushion wrote:

Or a lol cat.

Too true, I do enjoy lol cats.

But a real cat? :eek:

Fúck no.

Cats are evil creatures. Can't stand the b@stards.

bronte

Mine looks like the felix cat...pure evil though!

bushy...

From the 'bike part of the forum :

Tree wrote:

there used to be cats near where my dad lived when he was a young fella, and at night when he'd come home theyd nestle aroudn the cooling bike engine for warmth. when he took a week off work midwinter one time and didnt use the bike the cats all died in the cold.

A solution for a cat problem suitable to BGRH

legspin

I have managed to mangle two cats that were where they shouldn't have been.

pretty-in-pink

Ummmm I cook, and clean, and am very.....accomodating, and I love games, and parties

I love cats,

I think i'd be a good girlfriend

(geographicaly impaired or not)

patrickc

pretty-in-pink wrote: »

Ummmm I cook, and clean, and am very.....accomodating, and I love games, and parties

I love cats,

I think i'd be a good girlfriend

(geographicaly impaired or not)

serve in the bar for a short while in skimpy clothes and if tom approves then you'll be a good girlfiend...

pretty-in-pink

How skimpy? I have some lovely shorts......

patrickc

pretty-in-pink wrote: »

How skimpy? I have some lovely shorts......

shorts on women apart from the beach are a no go.. skirt yes

pretty-in-pink

But they are hot pants.

I could wear my black skirt, its kinda flared-y, or my black n white checked one. yes I have some nice black tops that would go with those

patrickc

pretty-in-pink wrote: »

But they are hot pants.

I could wear my black skirt, its kinda flared-y, or my black n white checked one. yes I have some nice black tops that would go with those

its all about how short it is and what us male punters can see...

Ruu_Old

Women, know your limits!

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=SjxY9rZwNGU

pretty-in-pink

Well tehn I'll let you guys (last 2 posters) decide. Jeez, you're managment after all

patrickc

Ruu wrote: »

Women, know your limits!

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=SjxY9rZwNGU

very good

Sparky

As long as there is some ridin' and brekkie in the morning, I'm a happy man.

pretty-in-pink

Brekkie.....sausages, toast and eggs ok? I don't have any bacon or rashers.

patrickc

pretty-in-pink wrote: »

Brekkie.....sausages, toast and eggs ok? I don't have any bacon or rashers.

umm you cooking now sounds good?

pretty-in-pink

I make the best fry when drunk, the whole meat and egg version (none of that veg crap)

patrickc

pretty-in-pink wrote: »

I make the best fry when drunk, the whole meat and egg version (none of that veg crap)

great am starving.. none of that veg stuff great like a fried tomato though

pretty-in-pink

Would ya not just settle for eggs, rashers, sausages, pudding, toast, waffles, beans and beer?

patrickc

pretty-in-pink wrote: »

Would ya not just settle for eggs, rashers, sausages, pudding, toast, waffles, beans and beer?

yeh im sure i can settle for that

pretty-in-pink

excellent, ill just fry it up here for ya

patrickc

pretty-in-pink wrote: »

excellent, ill just fry it up here for ya

great whats for afters??

pretty-in-pink

beer?

patrickc

pretty-in-pink wrote: »

beer?

yep all good.....

pretty-in-pink

I'm good at what i do.....

patrickc

pretty-in-pink wrote: »

I'm good at what i do.....

cooking is it?????

pretty-in-pink

and baking

patrickc

pretty-in-pink wrote: »

and baking

a welcome addition to bgrh so..