Surely this is wrong of him?

LegacyUser

Another money issue here people, one I'd really appreciate some advice on - My bloke and I live together and have done for eighteen months. I earn little more than a third of the money he does as I only work part time. That's the case because I'm a mother and can only work when the childs in school. My son isnt his, he's from a previous relationship and I get no support from the father. (havent even a clue where he is)

Everything was grand for the first nine or ten months. My bf would give me about 150 a week for his share of the household expenses and between that and my own wages I could comfortably pay the bills. Here's where things went sour - his brother lost his job in the spring and out of brotherly devotion my bf decided to start paying his rent and other household bills for him. His brother lives in a council flat so the rent isnt very high, but there's other bills to consider also. All in all my bf has been paying exactly 150 per week every single week without fail towards helping his brother to cope with his rent and other bills. Of course this money has cut into my bf's wages and no doubt it's inconveniencing him also but I really feel I'm mostly the one dealing with the fall out.

He dosent give me much money towards the household expenses here at all anymore and hasnt done since his brother lost his job, which dont forget was around february this year! He'll hand up around fifty quid every other week and the upshot is that I'm now struggling with a backlog of bills and I just cant cope. It'd be different and I'd understand if it was a case that his brother CANT work, but it's not, it's a case that his brother WONT work. There isnt a bloody thing wrong with the man and he's fit and healthy in his early thirties. I am starting to feel really resentful at the pair of them, but particularly at my bf because this is a situation he allowed to drag on and on and he knows I'm struggling here and how is this fair???

Seriously, I know I'm ranting on now, but though we still split the rent, ALL the other bills, eircom, sky, esb, oil heating, the lot, they ALL come out of my meager wages. The bills here are all in my name so they feel like my responsibility, but for Gods sake he lives here too. I think he might be getting a bit confused on that point because he does actually spend a lot of time with his brother in his flat (it's always the first point of refuge if we're having a row and he spends time there most evenings regardless whether we are or not) at the end of the day though, he eats here, washes here and sleeps here, so as far as I'm concerned he ought to be paying half the bills here while he's at it. I tried to talk to him about it two weeks ago and was told that it was his money and he could do what he liked with it!!!

Please someone talk some sense into me - surely this is not something I ought to be putting up with? I'd also be glad for any suggestions on what to say to him or how to put it. Thanks.

randylonghorn

Unreg&unhappy! wrote:

He'll hand up around fifty quid every other week

Well, whoop-de-doo, give him a medal!

Suggest he reverse the present situation, and go live / eat / sleep with his brother, given that it's there he's paying his way, and he can call over to you for a couple of hours "quality time" in the evenings ... if you can still be bothered, that is!

bigjohnny80

sounds like things are very unclear between ye. . . . .but you coped before u met him so i presume you could still cope without him

i guess there may be other reasons why he sticks to his brother. but it looks like you need to clarify exactly what your own arrangement is with him. i'm guessing he's not a mind reader as it looks like you haven't even spoke about it

best of luck . . .just talk

humanji

Tell him exactly wha tyou said here. Don't lose the head over it, or it'll just escalate into an argument. Just tell him that his brother needs to sort himself out and it's not up to you BF to do it for him. He should be thinking of you more than he is.

BaZmO*

Unreg&unhappy! wrote:

surely this is not something I ought to be putting up with?

No it's it, but why are you?

I also find it very difficult to believe that he is actually paying €150 to his brother every week because he lost his job, mainly for 2 reasons,
1) I refuse to believe that any able bodied man living in Ireland at the moment is not able to get work. Over the last few years, when needs be, I've worked 2 jobs.
2) It seems very convenient that the amount of money that he needs to give to his brother to help him out is the exact same amount of money that he promised to give to you each week.

Unreg&unhappy! wrote:

I'd also be glad for any suggestions on what to say to him or how to put it. Thanks.

It's simple, you just need to tell him that you can't manage the household bills on your own. If he's living with you and that's his fixed abode (as the Gardai would say) well then he has to pay his way. If he doesn't agree to it give him the boot. Sounds harsh I know but what are you supposed to do? Get yourself into ridiculous debt and therefore not be able to provide for your child?

Chinafoot

Unreg&unhappy! wrote:

ALL the other bills, eircom, sky, esb, oil heating, the lot, they ALL come out of my meager wages. The bills here are all in my name so they feel like my responsibility, but for Gods sake he lives here too.

What you need to do is every time a bill comes in divide it by 2. Mark it out very clearly on the bill itself how much you both have to pay, stick it on the fridge and let him know it's there. Do that with all your bills. You should have been doing this from the start tbh.

Unreg&unhappy! wrote:

I tried to talk to him about it two weeks ago and was told that it was his money and he could do what he liked with it!!!

He's right, he can do what he likes with is money...once he takes care of is responsibilties at home first. It's great that he's helping out his brother but he needs to realise that he can't sponge off you in order for him to do it. The only way he'll realise this is if you sit him down and tell him what you expect of him in this living arrangement.

Put together a list of all the bills that come in. If you can get a rough estimate from previous bills mark that down too. Then you sit him down, tell him what needs to get paid and that you expect him to have the amount handed to you before the money has to come out of your account. There is no way you should be paying for all of those things by yourself when he is living there too. You don't need to make it into a big argument, just have it all set out that this is the way it's going to be from now on to make it fair on both of you.

Hope you get it sorted.

dudara

He lives with you. His family is now you and your son and he has a duty to contribute to the running of the household. He may feel some brotherly duty, but you should be his priority

Carrigart Exile

dudara wrote:

He lives with you. His family is now you and your son and he has a duty to contribute to the running of the household. He may feel some brotherly duty, but you should be his priority

Clearly that is not the case, he spends half his time at his brothers so one must wonder where he considers his home to be.

BaZmO*

Carrigart Exile wrote:

Clearly that is not the case, he spends half his time at his brothers so one must wonder where he considers his home to be.

Regardless of where he "feels" his home is he pays half the rent with the OP so that would suggest that's where his home is.

He needs to make a choice, either pay half the bills as well as the rent or totally move out and leave the OP to sort everything on her own, bills, rent, etc.

MagicMarker

OP: You say household expenses... Do you include the rent in this?

Is he giving you €50 every other week for the bills on top of the rent, or for both the bills and rent? Because this is an important little detail to clear up.

If it is the latter, then i don't see why you haven't had words with him about it. How anyone can just stand by and accept €100 a month for everything i don't know, grow a back bone!!!!!

If he's giving you money for just the bills then 100 euro a month sounds fair enough, utility bills cost next to nothing in my place. If you're having trouble then get rid of sky and the phone line, why pay for something you don't need when you're already in financial distress!?

LegacyUser

'Thanks everyone for the replies. It's a releif to see people reckon he ought to be pulling his weight.

To respond to Carrigart Exile - he pays half the rent here, eats here, washes here, sleeps here, all his stuff is here, so I don't see that because he spends plenty of time visiting his (depressed, he tells me) brother that has anything to do with his responsibility regarding the bills here. He doesn't spend "half his time" in his bros. He sleeps here seven nights a week.

BaZmO - you're right in that there is no reason under God why his bro shouldnt be working, I've said that from the start. And there's nothing convenient at all btw, about the fact that he's giving is brother the 150 a week he used to give me. In fact I cant think of anything less convenient that's going on in my life right now, tbh.

& thank you Dudara, those are my feelings on the matter exactly.'

WindSock

Just tell him you can't be expected to support him while he supports his brother. You already have a child that needs supporting. If he wants to carry on supporting his bro, then tell him to do so while living with him, as his presence is a burden on your pocket.

LegacyUser

'

MagicMarker wrote:

OP: You say household expenses... Do you include the rent in this?

Is he giving you €50 every other week for the bills on top of the rent, or for both the bills and rent? Because this is an important little detail to clear up.

If it is the latter, then i don't see why you haven't had words with him about it. How anyone can just stand by and accept €100 a month for everything i don't know, grow a back bone!!!!!

If he's giving you money for just the bills then 100 euro a month sounds fair enough, utility bills cost next to nothing in my place. If you're having trouble then get rid of sky and the phone line, why pay for something you don't need when you're already in financial distress!?

I have a backbone, thanks MajicMarker. It's quite a tough one generally, but love can do some funny things to people.

I said in my original post that he gives me half the rent. If what he's giving me now was supposed to cover his half the rent he'd have found his arse out on the footpath many months ago. The 100 a month is supposed to pay for his half of the esb, sky, eircom and the OFCH (we're heading into winter now and I've got an empty oil tank to fill) and all that on top of the weekly shopping. If you can manage all that for "next to nothing" you must be living in Romania. Seriously, maybe you're living in student digs or something, but I'm trying to run a family home here.

Also, we'd no problem keeping the sky and the phone line before this crap with his brother. I'm surprised you'd even suggest that. Why should I knock off my television, internet and phone because his brother wont get off his arse and work?'

ntlbell

remember from the other thread.

you not jane he not tarzan

get out in the evenings and get yourself a second job leave the child with him and work your socks of to make up the rest of the bills, your a grown woman who can earn two/three times his wages have some self respect for yourself.

and remember when he tries to bring you our or spend money on you or help in anyway be quick to tell him he is insulting you as a woman that you're financially independant and don't need his money!

it's all part of being a modern woman!

great isn't it

WindSock

ntlbell wrote:

remember from the other thread.

you not jane he not tarzan

Thats just silly. The other thread is more about principal. This one is about survival.

ntlbell

boreds wrote:

Thats just silly. The other thread is more about principal. This one is about survival.

tarzan learn to survive, jane should too equal rights etc! :rolleyes:



also OP where is the mortgage/rent in all this or is it council flat/housing?

LegacyUser

'

ntlbell wrote:

remember from the other thread.

you not jane he not tarzan

get out in the evenings and get yourself a second job leave the child with him and work your socks of to make up the rest of the bills, your a grown woman who can earn two/three times his wages have some self respect for yourself.

and remember when he tries to bring you our or spend money on you or help in anyway be quick to tell him he is insulting you as a woman that you're financially independant and don't need his money!

it's all part of being a moderen woman!

great isn't it

I think you need to cop on judging by the contents of that post ntlbell. The suggestion that I should neglect my son in the evenings in order to get a second job to make up for my bf's shortfall is ridiculous to begin with, and the further suggestion that I use my bf as an unpaid baby sitter while doing so is hardly conducive to independence! Wake up!'

tritium

ntlbell wrote:

tarzan learn to survive, jane should too equal rights etc! :rolleyes:



also OP where is the mortgage/rent in all this or is it council flat/housing?

NTL, you loose the arguement on another posters topic, so you demean this posters problem to score points - pathetic

honestly

pathetic!!

OP, as others have said, you need to force your other half to decide his priorities. If he doesn't want to pay his way, then you have no obligation to support him, and if he creates 50% of the expense, then he pays 50% of the bills.

Carrigart Exile

boreds wrote:

Thats just silly. The other thread is more about principal. This one is about survival.

theoretical feminism?

Carrigart Exile

tritium wrote:

NTL, you loose the arguement on another posters topic, so you demean this posters problem to score points - pathetic

honestly

pathetic!!

OP, as others have said, you need to force your other half to decide his priorities. If he doesn't want to pay his way, then you have no obligation to support him, and if he creates 50% of the expense, then he pays 50% of the bills.

but is he creating 50% of the expenses? Is he paying her mortgage without his name being on the deeds? we do not know.

LegacyUser

'

Carrigart Exile wrote:

but is he creating 50% of the expenses? Is he paying her mortgage without his name being on the deeds? we do not know.

For Gods sake! If he were paying half my mortgage without his name being on the deeds I'd have nothing to complain about and he'd be the one who'd ought to be posting on a personal issues thread about being done over financially! Who'd have the nerve to complain about household expenses not being met if they were having half their mortgage paid by someone not named on the deeds??!!

We rent a private house together and each pay 550 a month for the privilege. As for mortgages, that's not likely any time soon given the current situation.

Thanks everyone for the advice, and yes, I did manage before he moved in. I did that by working from home in the evenings. The agreement was I'd give that up after he moved in to spend more time concentrating on raising my son. What I had been doing was working half the day while he was in school and then sitting in front of the computer till late into the night. I guess I could go back to that rather than continue to put up with this situation, though it also was far from ideal in terms of how my child was being raised. I do intend to take the advice given and tell him it's shape up or ship out time. Thanks.

Ntlbell, I just have to say, I don't appreciate being told to "have some respect for yourself". I've got plenty of respect for myself, and for every other working single parent, male and female, that I've met. Single parenthood is the toughest job out there and you obviously don't know the first damn thing about it, and if you think pawning a child off daily on a man who's not his father is the route to financial freedom you couldn't understand the nature of independence either. You can take your Tarzan & Jane analogies back to the thread they came from because they just don't apply to this one. Sounds like you've got a lot of growing up to do.'

ntlbell

tritium wrote:

NTL, you loose the arguement on another posters topic, so you demean this posters problem to score points - pathetic

honestly

pathetic!!

OP, as others have said, you need to force your other half to decide his priorities. If he doesn't want to pay his way, then you have no obligation to support him, and if he creates 50% of the expense, then he pays 50% of the bills.

Lost eh? how did i lose?

I can't lose my opinion and my opinion can never be right or wrong.

stop talking nonsense now and move on.

MagicMarker

Unreg&unhappy! wrote:

'

I have a backbone, thanks MajicMarker. It's quite a tough one generally, but love can do some funny things to people.

I said in my original post that he gives me half the rent. If what he's giving me now was supposed to cover his half the rent he'd have found his arse out on the footpath many months ago. The 100 a month is supposed to pay for his half of the esb, sky, eircom and the OFCH (we're heading into winter now and I've got an empty oil tank to fill) and all that on top of the weekly shopping. If you can manage all that for "next to nothing" you must be living in Romania. Seriously, maybe you're living in student digs or something, but I'm trying to run a family home here.

Also, we'd no problem keeping the sky and the phone line before this crap with his brother. I'm surprised you'd even suggest that. Why should I knock off my television, internet and phone because his brother wont get off his arse and work?'

Ok, so let me get this straight, up until recently he was giving you 600 a month ON TOP of 550 for rent? So he was giving you €1150 a month? And now you have the nerve to come on here and complain that he's reduced it?

I'm sorry, but what kind of utilities do you run up that require 150 a week?

Food is one thing, but from the sounds of it you only have to provide for yourself and your child as he seems to be gone most of the time.

Other than that? Personally, i pay about 50 a month for my tv and broadband, and that's one of the most expensive packages. ESB costs next to nothing, i don't know about oil but to be honest i've never even turned on the heating in this place yet.

So i don't see how you have anything to complain about, the only thing i think he needs to contribute more to is the food shopping. But €150 a week is WAY too much, he's basically supporting you.

My point about the sky/eircom is that if you can't afford it then don't use it, i presume you have a mobile? So why do you need a phone line? Why do you need sky? It's all pointless if you can't even pay for it.

ntlbell

Unreg&unhappy! wrote:

'



Ntlbell, I just have to say, I don't appreciate being told to "have some respect for yourself". I've got plenty of respect for myself, and for every other working single parent, male and female, that I've met. Single parenthood is the toughest job out there and you obviously don't know the first damn thing about it, and if you think pawning a child off daily on a man who's not his father is the route to financial freedom you couldn't understand the nature of independence either. You can take your Tarzan & Jane analogies back to the thread they came from because they just don't apply to this one. Sounds like you've got a lot of growing up to do.'

your right, maybe i should just move in some idiot to pay me 150e a week so i can get sky tv and various other bits in that i couldn't afford previously to show how mature and indepedant i am

and then when his brother who he's very close to runs into a few problems and he needs to help HIS BROTHER out FAMILIY i can come on to boards and moan and dribble about how i can't afford to watch sky TV

your right *I* need to grow up!

comongethappy

Your partner's in the wrong. It's okay if he wanted to help is brother out for a short period of time... but at this stage couldn't his brother have applied for social help? If he has depression as your partner says then surely he could qualify for disability benefit (even if only for a short period of time) or jobseekers benefit if he'd try to do something?

If he lives with you, it's his responsibility to cover half of the living costs. Some posters on here don't seem to realise how expensive running a family household is! I'd say you're looking at about €100 summer - €150 (maybe up to €200) winter for oil and electricity per month, about €150 on your weekly food bill for 3 people, sky and internet would come to about €100 pm, phones... etc... it all adds up quite quickly! And I highly doubt that you and your son are the only people in the house using sky and the internet - I'm sure your partner is too! I say fair play to you for working as a single parent - you could just rely on the social for help but you're making an effort not to be dependant.

ntlbell

comongethappy wrote:

Your partner's in the wrong. It's okay if he wanted to help is brother out for a short period of time... but at this stage couldn't his brother have applied for social help? If he has depression as your partner says then surely he could qualify for disability benefit (even if only for a short period of time) or jobseekers benefit if he'd try to do something?

If he lives with you, it's his responsibility to cover half of the living costs. Some posters on here don't seem to realise how expensive running a family household is! I'd say you're looking at about €100 summer - €150 (maybe up to €200) winter for oil and electricity per month, about €150 on your weekly food bill for 3 people, sky and internet would come to about €100 pm, phones... etc... it all adds up quite quickly! And I highly doubt that you and your son are the only people in the house using sky and the internet - I'm sure your partner is too! I say fair play to you for working as a single parent - you could just rely on the social for help but you're making an effort not to be dependant.

150pw X 4 = 600e

he was paying 600e a month for 50% of utilitie bills

600e X 2 = 1200e

now I know Ireland is a bit pricey but 1200e a month sounds a bit excessive for ulitie bills.

now a single parent claiming welfare and working part time i would assume sky TV and broadband are not exactly essentials they sound more like luxry's.

I think most posters do understand living costs and thats why there a bit suspect about the OP

BaZmO*

Unreg&unhappy! wrote:

BaZmO - you're right in that there is no reason under God why his bro shouldnt be working, I've said that from the start. And there's nothing convenient at all btw, about the fact that he's giving is brother the 150 a week he used to give me. In fact I cant think of anything less convenient that's going on in my life right now, tbh.

I think you missed the point I was making. I was just stating that it was a bit suspect that the amount that he is now giving to his brother is the exact same amount that he was giving to you.

And on the subject of how much he gives you, why can't he just give you half the money for each bill when it comes in?

I can understand giving a fixed amount for food bills as that can get messy as there's loads of little things that you get each day that add up but ESB/Oil/Phone, etc. are fixed and therefore easy to half.

Nevyn

ntlbell wrote:

150pw X 4 = 600e

he was paying 600e a month for 50% of utilitie bills

600e X 2 = 1200e

now I know Ireland is a bit pricey but 1200e a month sounds a bit excessive for ulitie bills.

Not if it includes food and the rest of the living expenses.

ntlbell wrote:

now a single parent claiming welfare and working part time i would assume sky TV and broadband are not exactly essentials they sound more like luxry's.

Because she is co habiting she is not entitles to any single parent welfare payments.

So those who are on welfare are not entitled to watch tv or surf the net for information or be part of online communities which can offer them a lot of support. What complete clap trap.

ntlbell wrote:

I think most posters do understand living costs and thats why there a bit suspect about the OP

Really and you think that 150e is enough to cover the food, all the bills and the other household items for an adult sharing the equal responsibilities for a household ?
where are you living the 80s ?

Nevyn

Unreg&unhappy! you have to sit down and do the household finances with him and if he won't then cut backs have to be made and if he is not contributing as much then there is simply not as money for luxuries like beer and what ever his favourite foods are.

Don't let yourself get behind on the bills and if he won't pull his weight then he will have to move out or take on minding your child in the evenings so you can go back to work.

If he wants to sub his brother's life and house hold well then he should go live there.

ntlbell

Thaedydal wrote:

Not if it includes food and the rest of the living expenses.



Because she is co habiting she is not entitles to any single parent welfare payments.

So those who are on welfare are not entitled to watch tv or surf the net for information or be part of online communities which can offer them a lot of support. What complete clap trap.



Really and you think that 150e is enough to cover the food, all the bills and the other household items for an adult sharing the equal responsibilities for a household ?
where are you living the 80s ?

Watching television or surfing the net has nothing to do with social welfare.

But living within your means is important, and if money is tight then you have to prioritise you don't need a monthly sub Sky to watch television and you don't need a monthly sub to an isp to browse the web.

I don't think i mentioned food in the post on the 150e i was referring to utility bills esb/ntl/sky/phone etc etc

now back in your box luv.

Nevyn

ntlbell wrote:

But living within your means is important, and if money is tight then you have to prioritise you don't need a monthly sub Sky to watch television and you don't need a monthly sub to an isp to browse the web.

Neither of those are living beyond a persons means, going out every weekend to restaurants is living beyond means.

ntlbell wrote:

I don't think i mentioned food in the post on the 150e i was referring to utility bills esb/ntl/sky/phone etc etc

She stated that the 150e was for the running of the household which includes food and other household shopping.

ntlbell wrote:

now back in your box luv.

I would not tolerate you speaking that way to a poster and certainly not to a mod of this forum. Consider this a warning.

Carrigart Exile this is not about how much a person is contributing to the house hold but the fact is that the amount which had been agreed upon changed and dropped to 1/3 of the amount with out dicussion or agreement.

That is not acceptable when a couple have joint finances are are running a household together.

ntlbell

Thaedydal wrote:

Neither of those are living beyond a persons means, going out every weekend to restaurants is living beyond means.



She stated that the 150e was for the running of the household which includes food and other household shopping.



I would not tolerate you speaking that way to a poster and certainly not to a mod of this forum. Consider this a warning.

Carrigart Exile this is not about how much a person is contributing to the house hold but the fact is that the amount which had been agreed upon changed and dropped to 1/3 of the amount with out dicussion or agreement.

That is not acceptable when a couple have joint finances are are running a household together.

Thaedydal I'm sorry but you are talking complete and utter nonsense.

living beyond your means is spending money on any non essentials you cannot afford

No one can decide for someone else what is living beyond there means or not.

But if someone came to me explainging they had some problems paying bills then rattled off they pay 60/70e a month on EXTRA SKY SUB to watch digital television or 25e a month to browse the web or various other bits and bobs that are not needed i would assume they're living beyond there means.

living beyond your means is very circumstansial it can be chosing the wrong brand of tinned beans!

I'f 150e wouldn't go far including bills and food etc and someone is on a social welfare benfiit of 180e single then i can't see how they could add on sky television and broadband i'd be even curious to where they got the money to purchase the pc!


i've noticed you get very emotional and threads dealing with social welfare benifit which i can understand so i won't go into this anymore

Nevyn

The are living as a couple ( a married couple this person is not a lodger ) they chose to do this and for her to loose her social welfare allowances and they agreed that she would only work part time but do the household chores and cleaning and part of this arrangement was that as well has paying his half of the rent he contributed 150e to the house hold per week.

This was thier arrangement regardless to how those outside of the relationship view it.

Based on this arrangement they set and maintained a certain standard of living.

He has with out consulting her changed how their joint household runs and she is left trying to keep things running as before.

That is the crux of the issue.

The sad thing is currently that she would be better off financial if he was not living there but that is a flaw in the system.

ntlbell wrote:

I'f 150e wouldn't go far including bills and food etc and someone is on a social welfare benfiit of 180e single then i can't see how they could add on sky television and broadband i'd be even curious to where they got the money to purchase the pc!

The minimum ammount of money a family with one child ( regardless of how many parents ) is allowed to subsist on is €480 per week. This is done usually in a combination of differing payments including in some cases lone parents allowance and family income support.

Children are not reared on the 18o euros of job seekers alloance.

ntlbell wrote:

i've noticed you get very emotional and threads dealing with social welfare benifit which i can understand so i won't go into this anymore

Again you are trying to make out that I am too 'emotional' to contribute to this topic and this forum well you are incorrect. If you have an issue with any mod take it to pm or feedback and stop trying to cast slurs.

You are also incorrect about your assumption and inference that I am receiving any social welfare payments.

You are quiet frankly wrong on this matter of this thread either due to ignorance or assumption.

BaZmO*

ntlbell wrote:

I'f 150e wouldn't go far including bills and food etc and someone is on a social welfare benfiit of 180e single then i can't see how they could add on sky television and broadband i'd be even curious to where they got the money to purchase the pc!

It really does help if you actually read the thread before spouting nonsense. The OP has stated that she needs the PC for work.

ntlbell wrote:

i've noticed you get very emotional and threads dealing with social welfare benifit which i can understand so i won't go into this anymore

:rolleyes: Cop out!

Marksie

NTLbell: You have dragged the thread off topic on miore than one occasion. Banned 1 week.

Carrigart Exile

Carrigart Exile this is not about how much a person is contributing to the house hold but the fact is that the amount which had been agreed upon changed and dropped to 1/3 of the amount with out dicussion or agreement.

That is not acceptable when a couple have joint finances are are running a household together.[/QUOTE]

I appreciate that, just wonder tho if he is starting to resent the fact he contributes so much. Taking a step back, despite many comments, the OPs man sounds a decent guy, he is contributing a substantial sum to support his brother through a hard time and if it truly is clinical depression then he simply cannot 'just pull himself together'.

DaMadSprogabeen

Have to say I agree with ntlbell here. Two things stand out. The OP seems to think the world owes her a living. Also she seems to resent her bf showing concern for anyone but her. his brother is suffering from depression therefore cant work. so he helps his brother out. to do this he cut back on other expenses. 150€ a week seems a lot(or was it every two weeks?) for bills. Seems like she should be pursuing the childs natural father to contribute financially to the upbringing of their child. OP comes accross as quite selfish from her post.

BaZmO*

DaMadSprogabeen wrote:

Have to say I agree with ntlbell here. Two things stand out. The OP seems to think the world owes her a living. Also she seems to resent her bf showing concern for anyone but her. his brother is suffering from depression therefore cant work. so he helps his brother out. to do this he cut back on other expenses. 150€ a week seems a lot(or was it every two weeks?) for bills. Seems like she should be pursuing the childs natural father to contribute financially to the upbringing of their child. OP comes accross as quite selfish from her post.

That's compete and utter bullsh1t, what has the child's father got to do with her current boyfriend paying his way in a relationship that he agreed to?

muppetkiller

I have to say that I agree with ntlbell here. He pays his half of the rent. But150 a week for half the weekly expenses is crazy what do you eat for dinner eye fillet steaks and champagne ?

I'm a single guy and live way beyond my means but still wouldn't have 150 a week for bills and food.

What I think may be happening is that your boyfriend doesn't feel he should be paying the child support of another mans kid. You really should be looking to get child support from the birth father.

While we don't know your relationship that well..Does he regard your child as his now ? Is the relationship that serious ? I would think that he wouldn't have any issues paying child support if he thought he was going to be the childs future father.

Zulu

BaZmO* wrote:

That's compete and utter bullsh1t, what has the child's father got to do with her current boyfriend paying his way in a relationship that he agreed to?

Well it's not complete bullsh1t. The original father should be at least financially supporting the rearing of his child. She should be getting some support from him.

...although that is not the problem I understand, it is a factor.

Zulu

muppetkiller wrote:

What I think may be happening is that your boyfriend doesn't feel he should be paying the child support of another mans kid. You really should be looking to get child support from the birth father.

That's what I was thinking as well. Does he consider himself part you the OP's family - or does he still see himself as her bf. (ie: her bf, not her childs father)???

I know a couple who live together. He invited her and her child (to another man) into his house. Now you'd expect that to mean it's a family unit. It doesn't. He keeps himself removed from the child, and very much see him as "her child".
Personally it's not something I'd stand for - or do, but love is strange...

BaZmO*

Zulu wrote:

Well it's not complete bullsh1t. The original father should be at least financially supporting the rearing of his child. She should be getting some support from him.

...although that is not the problem I understand, it is a factor.

Of course the child's father should be supporting his child and we don't know if he is or not. However, that's irrelevant. The fact of the matter is that the OP's boyfriend agreed to a situation where he would be paying his share of the upkeep of the household bills and now he has decided not to so anymore for whatever reason.

The thing that most people seem to have a problem with is the amount that the boyfriend was paying each week, which again is irrelevant as he agreed to it. The suggestion I came up with earlier on in the thread is that the OP should calculate the actual amount the bills come to and get her boyfriend to pay half which is the fairest way. But she needs to speak to him about it.

Zulu

BaZmO* wrote:

Of course the child's father should be supporting his child and we don't know if he is or not.

We do. I'm pretty sure she said he isn't.

However, that's irrelevant.

I don't think so. It could be causing resentment for the boyfriend.

The fact of the matter is that the OP's boyfriend agreed to a situation where he would be paying his share of the upkeep of the household bills and now he has decided not to so any more for whatever reason.

True, but perhaps that reason is because he resents the fact the the birth father is contributing nothing, and he sees himself supporting her and her child; perhaps he feels he only should be supporting her; that the cost of the child is between her and the birth father.
I'm not saying its right, and it's pure speculation, but it's not irrelevant.

The thing that most people seem to have a problem with is the amount that the boyfriend was paying each week...

agreed.

The suggestion I came up with earlier on in the thread is that the OP should calculate the actual amount the bills come to and get her boyfriend to pay half which is the fairest way. But she needs to speak to him about it.

Bang on the head. Totally agree.

LegacyUser

Thaedydal wrote:

If he wants to sub his brother's life and house hold well then he should go live there.

Thank you to those who posted supportive comments. I've got some good advice here but unfortunatly its been a wasted effort for those who posted it as myself and my bf broke up last night. Somebody mentioned that I sounded resentful, well yes I do, and I dont feel that I should have to apologise for that when I've been putting up with his crap week-in week-out for eight months straight. Also someone calculated that his contribution had dropped to a third, actually it had dropped to 1/6 because he had been contributing 150 pw for the first ten months or so and that dropped to 50 every other week the last eight months, so you're talking a drop from 600 pm to 100 pm!

Also somebody said that I felt like the world owed me a living. I dont know where anyone would get that idea since I work and always have and am not receiving social welfare payments. That's not to say I've any issue with people who do receive them because some people genuinely need them and that's why they're there. The notion that I was somehow sponging off my parter (ex partner as of last night) dosent add up as I contributed at least as much to the running of the house as he was. We shared a car and I just dont know how anyone can think 150 pw is an excessive amount of money to put towards groceries, bills, petrol, and every other expense under the sun. If it is excessive I ought to be complaining too as I was contributing at least that.

Thaedydal, your comment above is almost word for word what I said to him last night. I've just had enough of this. I feel used and that's a very distasteful way to feel in a relationship, it leaves a bad taste in your mouth. Somebody on this thread made out that I was resentful of my bf's being considerate of anybody other than me. That's crap. I put up with this situation for the better part of a year. I know women who'd have been complaining after the first week. Maybe I should have, maybe if I had this crap wouldnt have dragged on for so long but I didnt say a word about it for a long long time (didnt mention having any issue with it till about three weeks ago) because he was worried about his brother and I loved him and didnt want him to be worried. I thought his brother would eventually get off his arse and things would get back to normal, but his brother clearly has no intention of getting off his arse - apparently some people are quite comfortable on their arses as long as their bills are being paid for them.

Someone else mentioned "clinical depression" on here. This bloke hasnt been diagnosed with anything and if it was it'd be clinical fukin laziness. So anyway I've booted the bf out and lets see how long the charitable feelings last now he gets to watch his brother sitting on his hole 24/7.

LegacyUser

BaZmO* wrote:

I think you missed the point I was making. I was just stating that it was a bit suspect that the amount that he is now giving to his brother is the exact same amount that he was giving to you.

Ah I see what you mean here BaZmO, but no, that was just an unfortunate coincidence.

BaZmO* wrote:

And on the subject of how much he gives you, why can't he just give you half the money for each bill when it comes in?

I can understand giving a fixed amount for food bills as that can get messy as there's loads of little things that you get each day that add up but ESB/Oil/Phone, etc. are fixed and therefore easy to half.

Well, what happened there was that we'd never split the bills in that way so it wasnt a habit we were in or had ever been in. He'd just given me the 150 pw and I'd sorted out all the bills as they came in, including grocery shopping and filling the car tank, so I was still expected to keep to the old arrangement of sorting everything myself, just that as his contribution became less mine obviously had to become more in order to make up his shortfall. He's not a mean spirited person at all as his behaviour towards his brother shows, he's just been incredibly inconsiderate as far as his responsibilities here are concerned. I'm actually relieved to be alone again tbh. I'd rather struggle alone than struggle with someone in a situation where I shouldnt be struggling in the first place, if you know what I mean.

Also, for the people who reckon he might have been feeling resentful about supporting my son, that wasnt the case. I'm used to supporting my son myself and when it came to anything specifically for the child like clothes, runners, school uniforms, school books, I always paid for those myself. No, I dont get any support from his father and I never have. I've no idea where he is. The last I heard he had left the country and as far as I'm concerned wherever he is he's more than welcome to stay there.

DaMadSprogabeen

BaZmO* wrote:

That's compete and utter bullsh1t, what has the child's father got to do with her current boyfriend paying his way in a relationship that he agreed to?

how is it complete and utter bull****? The childs father should be contributing to the upkeep of the child. not the current boyfriend. The bills seem quite large and I would hazard a guess the fact that there is a child involved might be part of the reason for that. (which is fine.) and if the current bf was happy with this arrangement that was fine also. however he now contributes some money to help his brother thru a bad patch. he obviously made a call on this and was happy to do this. so he cut back on money he pays elsewhere. at the end of the day if he is living somewhere he only needs to pay his rent and his part of the actual bills.If he isnt covering this(and I havent heard anything to suggest he isnt) then he is in the wrong. If he is covering this but the OP has gotten used to him paying that bit more(again nothing wrong with that on her part) and now finds her income doesnt cover expenditure then she simply needs to cut expenditure. Or persue someone with genuine responsibilities for a contribution.

LegacyUser

DaMadSprogabeen wrote:

If he isnt covering this(and I havent heard anything to suggest he isnt) then he is in the wrong.

If my telling you that this man has been contributing 100 per month, which pans out at 25 euro per week, for his share of ALL the expenses in this household - if my telling you that doesn't suggest to you that he hasnt been paying his way there's no point in my typing another word. You must be living back in the 1950's when 25 quid pw would actually pay for something. Thesedays it'd hardly feed a family of cats.

I said in my original post that his half of the weekly bills had come to 150 before this crap - so had mine. By "weekly bills" I was talking about every sort of expenditure that comes with running a household. I wasn't referring simply to utility bills, though I did use those as an example so I admit I may have unwittingly caused confusion there. As I said, we shared the use of a car (which I bought, incidentally, and thank God I did otherwise we'd have to sell it now and split the proceeds) I was referring to the costs of running that car (which he drove a lot more than I did, btw) and I was referring to the weekly groceries, the utility bills and the oil tank.

I'm not going to bother going on about this anymore. If there are people out there who think all this is possible on 25 quid a week good luck to them when they have to get out and live in the real world.

DaMadSprogabeen

“If my telling you that this man has been contributing 100 per month, which pans out at 25 euro per week, for his share of ALL the expenses in this household - if my telling you that doesn't suggest to you that he hasnt been paying his way there's no point in my typing another word. You must be living back in the 1950's when 25 quid pw would actually pay for something. Thesedays it'd hardly feed a family of cats.”

No I don’t live in the 50s but I do live within my means. You obviously don’t. now whose fault is that? mine? Your boyfriends…his brother…or shock horror….could it be your own fault?

”I said in my original post that his half of the weekly bills had come to 150 before this crap - so had mine.”

This crap being him helping out his brother in a crisis? You don’t seem too understanding of your boyfriend? If he is giving over 600 euro out of his salary every month then I doubt he thinks its a minor issue.

“By "weekly bills" I was talking about every sort of expenditure that comes with running a household. I wasn't referring simply to utility bills”

Ah here we have the nub of the problem. Notional bills. Im always wary of these. He either owes money for something or he doesn’t? something tangible.
“

As I said, we shared the use of a car (which I bought, incidentally, and thank God I did otherwise we'd have to sell it now and split the proceeds) I was referring to the costs of running that car (which he drove a lot more than I did, btw) and I was referring to the weekly groceries, the utility bills and the oil tank.”

If you bought it its your car….stop him from using it if he wont pay for it. Oil tanks don’t have to be filled that often(relatively speaking). Certainly not 150 euro a weeks worth. Did you neve rhave money left over from this to cover the cost of paying for a tank of oil now?
Did you always used to spend exactly 300 euro a week on bills?

”I'm not going to bother going on about this anymore. If there are people out there who think all this is possible on 25 quid a week good luck to them when they have to get out and live in the real world.”

No its not. But your either spending more than you are taking in. or else(and I suspect this is the case) its got nothing to do with actual bills and more to do with asserting certain things in your relationship. anyway you posted for peoples opinions on a message board. dont cry if you get responses that dont tally with what you beleive to be the case.

Nevyn

Sorry you could not get this resolved Unreg&unhappy! but at least you are out of that situation and you have to put the stability of the home first and foremost for the sake of your child.

Every relationship has it's lessons and hopefully you can learn from this one.

Pinker

Why does he give his brother e150 per week?..
Dole/Unemployment assistance =e187.00 per week
rent assistance=e90.00 per week
If this man had previous employment and is now unemployed he is slso entitled to a large portion of tax back, so he really doesn't need this extra e150 per week

LegacyUser

DaMadSprogabeen wrote:

You don’t seem too understanding of your boyfriend?

I dont seem too understanding? After keeping my mouth shut for seven months? What would have been understanding in your book then? Should I have kept my mouth shut for seven years? Would that have been "understanding" enough for you?

You're assuming his brother is genuinely depressed, but he doesn't look in any way depressed to me while he's sitting on his sofa laughing and joking smoking dope and playing video games which has been the case every time I've walked into the apartment for the last eight months. I always liked my bf's brother by the way, I always got on well with him; I dont know exactly what's going on with him, but if he's in such a state of crippling depression he cannot even work, well, I've got to say he's hiding it very well. I think he's got himself into a rut and he's gotten comfortable in it and my (ex) bf is enabling him.

DaMadSprogabeen wrote:

No its not.

That's right, it's not, and since you concede that I dont understand what you're arguing about. You're coming across as someone who's never lived as an adult in a family situation. When two people share their lives together they dont work out who owes what every time someone has to run up to the garage for a jar of coffee (and if they do they're conducting a pretty whacked-out relationship in my opinion)

What we did, as I'm sick repeating at this stage, was to pool some of our money each week and pay for whatever was needed in the house and car, whether it was petrol, oil heating, food, utility bills, or whatever. This was agreed upon when we he first moved in with me. Maybe you're so used to living as a single man this kind of lifestyle seems too alien for you to contemplate, but you're going to have to get your head around it if you ever intend to form a family.