Where would you be on the 28th?

Jumanji

Put yourself in these shoes:-

You come from a small family. You have one niece, your god daughter.
She'll be 5 in Oct, but won't be having her party on her actual birthday. She'll be celebrating it on Sat 27th.
Your family would be angry if you missed it, & secretly you'd kinda miss not being there also.

You've a gf who you love V much. You get to spend very little alone time with her. It's you 2 year anniversary on Sun 28th. That's a bank hol weekend, so she'd like to go away for the 2 nights (the sat & the sun) for some quality time.
If you don't go, she'll be disappointed & tbh you both know she usually draws the short straw.

What do you do?
Go to your nieces party:- your family's happy but your gf's not
Go away for the weekend:- your gf's happy but your family's not.

& it's not like you can simply go away the next weekend as the point of going away is cos it's a bank hol.

Knockoff Nige

Whichever I think would be the most fun. Explaining to each shouldnt be a problem. They should be understanding that your life doesnt revolve around them. Your neice will have many more birthdays (you can probably tell I'm suggesting the girlfriend thing)

Boredatwork

go away with your girlfriend ! ffs you can't be expected to stay around for a 5yr olds birthday party ! i'm sure your godchild won't mind - as long as you give her a pressie first !!

chuckles30

Could you try and keep both happy? Go to the party (which I presume will be on in the afternoon) for a while, drop off present, meet family etc and leave early. Then meet up with your gf and head off for the rest of the weekend? I know that all depends on locations.....but it would be a compromise.

super_furry

Yep. Go away with your girlfriend. See you niece before you go and on the actual day of her birthday.

missmatty

Give god-child nice pressie before you go, then maybe bring her out to do something nice on her actual birthday.
Since it'll have been a while then since the party, she'll probably appreciate it

axer

Definitely go off with Girlfriend. Do as the others said. Give the niece her present before you go. It would not be fair of your family to hold it against you if you go as your girlfriend should rank higher in the pecking order than your niece.

Dizzyblonde

You've got to go away with your girlfriend. If you can't work it that you see your niece on the Saturday then call in on Friday night with her present and make a fuss of her then. She'll be delighted with the special visit.
I speak as a parent and believe me it's not that big a deal (or shouldn't be).
She wouldn't have time to speak to you at the party with all the excitement any way so is it just the parents who'd be miffed?

justsomebloke

go with your girlfriend for christ sake. Trust me, she will remember a lot longer then your niece will. That and you can actually spend time with your niece on her actual birthday and get her a really cool present, remember kids are ficle and if you get her a cool present you will be the best uncle ever even if you don't bring it to her during the birthday party

muppetkiller

Stick with Girlfriend and big pressie for god-child on her actual Birthday..

tinkerbell

Go with your girlfriend! I can't believe ya are considering going to a five year old's birthday party rather than being with your girlfriend for your 2 year anniversary!!! Your niece isn't gonna even notice you're not there because she'll be too busy opening all her other presents. Just make sure you get your niece a nice present. At that age, all they want to do is open their pressies and play with the kids their own age.

kmick

Girlfriend
Nieces can't make your life a misery.
Girlfriend can
Plus nieces are more open to bribery

Jumanji

Thanks for all your replies.

That's wat I was thinking, unfortunately, I'm the girlfriend in this story & my bf doesn't think this way!
I was unsure whether or not I was unreasonable for thinking this way, so I posted it here.

The conversation went something like:- "xxx will be having her party on the 27th, won't she?" "yes, i'd say so" "I guess there's no chance that we'll be going away that weekend for our anniversary then" "You're right we won't!"

I left it at that, as I know where I stand when it comes to his family, but tbh after 2 years I'm starting to get a little p!ssed off. It's about time I started moving up the rank a little. I mean, we're planning on a future together, yet my feelings are always considered last.
It's only because I give him the easiest time when let down, but after your replies, I think I'm gonna have to tell him that it's not on dismissing my feelings so willy nilly.
I mean, thought didn't even go into his response. He didn't even blink, it was like a reflex action, pre calculated:- GF V Family= family wins!!!!

It's getting tiring.

Thanks guys

Linoge

You're equating your girlfriends feelings (and hence your relationship) with what your family think about you. Two completely seperate things.

If you don't go to the birthday your family will be dissapointed. If you don't go with your girlfriend do you think she will be *just* dissapointed??

And its a 5 year olds birthday ffs. There'll be one every year for the next 5 at least.

CathyMoran

I think that sometimes men can be very insensitive and not know it. I was in a situation last year with my then fiance. I was very seriously ill and did not know if it would be my last Christmas yet my fiance wanted to go away with his parents for Christmas! I had a few words with him and with his family explaining the situation and they were fine, they actually had expected him to stay with me! Just speak to your boyfriend and his family if necessary in a logical manner and things should work out fine.

Dodge

CathyMoran wrote:

I think that sometimes men can be very insensitive and not know it

Shouldn't that read people can be insensitive and not know it.

Knockoff Nige

Actually, when I read 'shrot straw' I was more inclined to think he should go away with you. But, thats your opinion that you get the short straw so it makes it harder to call. I beleive that people should be as honest as they can when posting on here.

If he wants to be with his family, there is little you can do about it. If you feel he's not as committed as you are in teh relationship, then decide if you are compatible.

Jumanji

Jumanji wrote:

Thanks for all your replies.

That's wat I was thinking, unfortunately, I'm the girlfriend in this story & my bf doesn't think this way!
I was unsure whether or not I was unreasonable for thinking this way, so I posted it here.

The conversation went something like:- "xxx will be having her party on the 27th, won't she?" "yes, i'd say so" "I guess there's no chance that we'll be going away that weekend for our anniversary then" "You're right we won't!"

I left it at that, as I know where I stand when it comes to his family, but tbh after 2 years I'm starting to get a little p!ssed off. It's about time I started moving up the rank a little. I mean, we're planning on a future together, yet my feelings are always considered last.
It's only because I give him the easiest time when let down, but after your replies, I think I'm gonna have to tell him that it's not on dismissing my feelings so willy nilly.
I mean, thought didn't even go into his response. He didn't even blink, it was like a reflex action, pre calculated:- GF V Family= family wins!!!!

It's getting tiring.

Thanks guys

Did you suggest dropping into the party and heading off that night for the rest of the weekend?

Jumanji

Knockoff Nige wrote:

Actually, when I read 'shrot straw' I was more inclined to think he should go away with you. But, thats your opinion that you get the short straw so it makes it harder to call. I beleive that people should be as honest as they can when posting on here.

Not once did I make out that I was the male in this sotry, so you can't say I wasn't honest.

& I do get the short straw. We discuss it regularly. He does agree that his family tends to come before me & he's very sorry about that, but the situation never changes.
Like I said, it's a small family & they expect a lot from him.

He is commited to me, he just has different priorities.

The going away after spending a few hours at the party is a possible solution, so I'll put it to him.
Again, from past experience, I'm not too hopeful, but I suppose I'll just have to be more firm on what this means to me. (& that fact that it's not just about getting away for the weekend.)

AckwelFoley

Go with the girlfriend or you will never hear the end of it.

Knockoff Nige

Jumanji wrote:

Not once did I make out that I was the male in this sotry, so you can't say I wasn't honest.

& I do get the short straw. We discuss it regularly. He does agree that his family tends to come before me & he's very sorry about that, but the situation never changes.
Like I said, it's a small family & they expect a lot from him.

He is commited to me, he just has different priorities.

The going away after spending a few hours at the party is a possible solution, so I'll put it to him.
Again, from past experience, I'm not too hopeful, but I suppose I'll just have to be more firm on what this means to me. (& that fact that it's not just about getting away for the weekend.)

Actually, I think you did suggest it, you just didnt say it.

bronte

I feel for you op, some guys are just very family orientated..if it's any consolation, these guys are sometimes the best type of guy, as they realise the value of family, and that's a good quality to have.
It's not nice however to have that feeling of always coming second, and as it's a 2 year anniversary I know i'd like to do something special to mark the occasion.
Do tell him that this is something that's really important to you, because sometimes if you're too easy going with him, he may think ah, sure it doesn't matter.

I hope it works out.

Jumanji

Knockoff Nige wrote:

Actually, I think you did suggest it, you just didnt say it.

Nooo, I think you assumed it & jut didn't read exactly what was written!!!

I said put yourself in these shoes & wrote it from the boys perspective as it's his decision to make!!!

Anyway, lets not argue about it, I get the short straw, ok?

Dizzyblonde

You've got to have a bottom line, and this just might be it. If he digs his heels in at this point and puts his niece's party before you then you could be looking at a lifetime of playing second fiddle to his family.
Or he might just need you to let him know that it's not good enough.
I'm from a very small close family and I never expected anyone to be at my children's parties if they had any better offers. It's just not natural.

Loomis

Gene Hackman in Runaway Jury: "Better an unhappy mother than an unfriendly wife."
Keep the missus happy. Family will get over it

Knockoff Nige

Jumanji wrote:

Nooo, I think you assumed it & jut didn't read exactly what was written!!!

I said put yourself in these shoes & wrote it from the boys perspective as it's his decision to make!!!

Anyway, lets not argue about it, I get the short straw, ok?

But thats my point, you TRY to put it from his perspective but can you honestly say that you have?

Dizzyblonde

Knockoff Nige wrote:

But thats my point, you TRY to put it from his perspective but can you honestly say that you have?

It would've been better if she'd just written it from her own perspective, but the facts of the matter are the same regardless.

Knockoff Nige

Dizzyblonde wrote:

It would've been better if she'd just written it from her own perspective, but the facts of the matter are the same regardless.

I dont think they are. He obviously think differently about this situation and might have a seperate reason for going to the party.

How Strange

OP, when you talk to him about it don't make it sound like a me or them scenario otherwise you will look like the evil witch trying to ruin a 5yr old's birthday! And you'll never come out of that looking good!

Put it to him that either you two go and do something with her on Friday, call over and bring a present etc or go to the party for a couple of hours on Saturday together and then head off.

That way, he hasn't lost any face and you get what you want too but you have gotten him to compromise.

Jumanji

Thanks Bronte,
I know what you mean. He is a really wonderful guy. Too good, he's always trying to keep everyone happy & the mother of his niece is a nightmare & he gets such a hard time (which he just shrugs off) that I hate to be nagging also, so I keep my feelings inside.

Dizzyblonde

Knockoff Nige wrote:

I dont think they are. He obviously think differently about this situation and might have a seperate reason for going to the party.

But wouldn't he still be putting his family before his girlfriend at a time she felt was important? He'd need a very good reason.

Knockoff Nige

Dizzyblonde wrote:

But wouldn't he still be putting his family before his girlfriend at a time she felt was important? He'd need a very good reason.

If he was to post here, we'd know what his reason was, whether it be good enough or not. She cant speak for him.

Jumanji

How Strange:- I will suggest the popping into the party 1st & then going away, but it's not a great situation either:-
Because it's a Sat, the party won't really start until around 3.
We live miles & miles away from anywhere remotely interesting, so if we weren't leaving close to 3, there'd be no point going at all.

But anyway, I've gotten the response from you that I thought I should get, so I've just to go back to him charged with amunition & let him know that going away is important to me, actually, important to us.

Jumanji

Knockoff Nige wrote:

If he was to post here, we'd know what his reason was, whether it be good enough or not. She cant speak for him.

Of course I can, I'm his gf, that's my job!!! LOL:D

Dizzyblonde

Jumanji, he sounds like a nice guy and I know some families put terrible pressure on. It'll be hard for him but he's going to have to start standing up for what he feels is right. They'll get used to it.

bronte

Jumanji wrote:

Thanks Bronte,
I know what you mean. He is a really wonderful guy. Too good, he's always trying to keep everyone happy & the mother of his niece is a nightmare & he gets such a hard time (which he just shrugs off) that I hate to be nagging also, so I keep my feelings inside.

No probs!
I have a mate who sounds similar to him, always trying to keep everyone happy, even if the favour isn't returned to him.
I suppose the best way is to calmly explain that you don't want to add to the stress, but that you'd like to celebrate your anniversary.
It's all in how you approach it.
Try not to bottle it all up, because it'll end up in an explosion of resentment.

Colonel_McCoy

Go away with your girlfriend and when you have her moaning like sea lion .........nothing else will matter

jdivision

Get girlfriend and yourself to take Monday off and go away on Sunday and Monday, plus attend party Saturday. All good.

spurious

In an ideal world, he would go away with you and see the 5 year old before you went.

The five year old is not the reason he is going to her party though. Your average five year old can't tell you what month it is let alone what day of the year. Her party could be any day of the week. She could go out for a nice day with her uncle and his girlfriend any time, any day, any week. The 5 year old is not the issue.

It seems to me the issue is that you think he is pressurised into going to the 5 year old's thing because it's a family event.

In fairness, you're an adult and you can have your 'anniversary' the following weekend too. This really doesn't sound like a big issue. A guy that is that loyal to his family may very well be a plus if that family is some day you.

It doesn't have to be an 'either or' situation.

seastar

I have a five-year-old niece and I would not miss her birthday for anything. My sister and her husband really appreciate this and it means a lot to me that I am there too. Although I love my boyfriend dearly, family comes first for me.
Never try to compete with someone's family. You're the adult so why not go away the following weekend. (That said, I have freaked when my boyfriend suggested we 'move' our anniversary to another weekend).

Marksie

Jumanji wrote:

Not once did I make out that I was the male in this sotry, so you can't say I wasn't honest.

Usually the originakl poster is posting about their issues. While you say you were honest. Twas a misleading first post. Bit naughty that.

Jumanji wrote:

& I do get the short straw. We discuss it regularly. He does agree that his family tends to come before me & he's very sorry about that, but the situation never changes.
Like I said, it's a small family & they expect a lot from him..

Uhuh, and you let this pass all the time thus validating his behaviour. The situation never changes because you allow it not to.

Jumanji wrote:

&He is commited to me, he just has different priorities...

Its all about balancing priorities. Small family, one girfriend. If he balanced the needs of the one against the other it would be better all around.

Jumanji wrote:

&The going away after spending a few hours at the party is a possible solution, so I'll put it to him.
Again, from past experience, I'm not too hopeful, but I suppose I'll just have to be more firm on what this means to me. (& that fact that it's not just about getting away for the weekend.)

Then insists on a weekend away before of the week after. As you say the party per se isnt the issue, its the whole issue of constantly being relegated last

spinandscribble

visit the niece before, bring her to a toyshop make a big fuss of her and you having your own private birthday party then go away with the gf for the weekend. if they have a problem with that then tell them for who's sake are you really there for?

spinandscribble

oh now i see the op was the gf. sly. its up to him isnt it?

SarahSassy

I think he should spend the actual birthday with her and the weekend with you.... At the end of the day, you are his significant other and he appears to be taking you for granted.

Talk to him.

biko

chuckles30 wrote:

Could you try and keep both happy? Go to the party (which I presume will be on in the afternoon) for a while, drop off present, meet family etc and leave early. Then meet up with your gf and head off for the rest of the weekend? I know that all depends on locations.....but it would be a compromise.

Do this. Sure a 5yo will be in bed by 7pm anyway.

Shanda

surly a 5 year olds birthday would be during the day can't ye both go to that for a while and head off for your weekend away in the afternoon. i mean there's only so much of a kids birthday party you can take. make the best of both situations and keep everyone happy.

Femelade

even if ye headed off early on sunday, then ye would have the whole day and night together...no need to put off the weekend all together, one night is better than none..

txt_mess

Go away with your gf and then for the October 5th take your goddaughter to the zoo or a playcenter then to mac donalds etc, etc just make a special day for her on her real birthday.

justsomebloke

ok the big question is now, if his nieces birthday wasn't on the same weekend would he actually want to go away for the weekend or is it just something you want to do?

Jumanji

jsb wrote:

ok the big question is now, if his nieces birthday wasn't on the same weekend would he actually want to go away for the weekend or is it just something you want to do?

He'll never book anything. If I left it to him we would NEVER go away anywhere, but when I suggest it (& book it) & he has nothing else on, he doesn't argue about going.

Knockoff Nige

Jumanji wrote:

He'll never book anything. If I left it to him we would NEVER go away anywhere, but when I suggest it (& book it) & he has nothing else on, he doesn't argue about going.

I think you're going out with a typcial bloke. No offence to blokes (I am one) but this is often the way we are. Was he like this in the beginning?