Seen my friends GF kissing his brother

LegacyUser · 10-09-2007 7:48am #1

Ok, I came in early to post this! Was out on saturday night with a couple of old friends from college. To cut a long story short a good friend of mine steve lets call him has a GF call sinead and a brother call tom.

So i was in town on Saturday night and i walked into a bar, pretty crowded... Right in front of me two people were practically trying to swallow each others head.. It was tom and sinead. I was gobsmacked beyond belief. They seen me.
I got the "its not what it looks like speech" They've begged me not to tell steve but he and I have been friends for going on 14 years and i will not keep something like this from him as
1) He and his GF are planning on buying a house
2)I know that when they buy the house he is going to propose and his brother will be best man

How the hell do i break something like this to him? Or do i tell tom and sinead to come clean or if they dont i will??

Cheers,
Gobsmacked.

Kimbot · 10-09-2007 7:54am

My advise is to tell them to come clean or else you will!
Could you hold the truth from your mate though, I know I couldn't!!

Moojuice · 10-09-2007 7:58am

Tell him. Tell him now. Do not hesitate. If you are his friend you should tell him. They did something wrong, not you.

deisemum · 10-09-2007 8:02am

jonny24ie wrote:

My advise is to tell them to come clean or else you will!
Could you hold the truth from your mate though, I know I couldn't!!

I second this, not a nice position to find yourself in though. Give them a deadline.

Johnny Bitte · 10-09-2007 8:44am

if he finds out you knew he will not forgive, tell her she has til tomorrow to tell him or you will.

patrickolee · 10-09-2007 8:48am

I'd stay out of it if I were you. None of your business.

seamus · 10-09-2007 8:52am

jonny24ie wrote:

My advise is to tell them to come clean or else you will!

I would go with this.

The possible pitfall you face here is you -v- his brother and girlfriend. You might know him a long time, but you're not family or a partner. If the other two remain steadfast, he could quickly turn on you and cut you out.

If they refuse to tell him, then plan what you're going to say. I would advise just telling him what you saw - don't indulge, draw conclusions or discuss it with him after you tell him. Make it clear that you're just telling him what you saw because you're a mate, then leave it with him. If he tries to argue or disagree, don't argue back, just make it clear that you're telling him what you saw and that's it.

Heinrich · 10-09-2007 8:57am

Frankly, it's none of your business. Get on with your own life and stop trying to live others'!!!

Growing up is so hard ...

triona1 · 10-09-2007 9:03am

Stay well out of it.What if he did'nt believe you.Blood is thicker than water he may believe his bro if he denies it.I stay well clear.

someothername · 10-09-2007 9:05am

as bad as the mess is now , imagine how it will be when it eventually comes out what happend in a few yrs when they are married and there is a possibility of kids....
my advice is tell them both that they have X amount of time to tell him or you will.
if they dont and it comes to you to do it then you do run the risk of being cut out as another poster said , but for me id rather this than the alternative - being friends knowing a big secret that could hurt your best friend

cold_filter · 10-09-2007 9:07am

Tell him, He should know your not gonna make **** like this up

Loomis · 10-09-2007 9:07am

Most who say it's none of your business either wouldn't have the balls to do something if they were in your situation or they've cheated in the past and don't like the idea of someone 'telling' on people who cheat.
Of course it's your business. You know him years. He deserves to know this. If you were a brother would it still be none of your business? I think the fact you know him so long and the fact it was right in front of you makes it very much your business and your duty as a good friend to tell him. They are both utterly horrible people. He needs to know this. He's about to start a life with the girlfriend...ask yourself - would you want your friend to tell you if the tables were turned? Therein lies your answer

mickoneill30 · 10-09-2007 9:08am

If it was your girlfriend and your brother would you want (or expect) your friend to tell you?

I would. It'd hurt a hell of a lot but a lot less than finding out later on that you knew about it. It'll probably cause tension between the two of you but if he's been your friend for as long as you say he'll appreciate where you're coming from.

If you leave it to them to tell him they might put a bit of spin on it.

Edit: Beaten by Mr. Anderson. I really have to speed up my typing.

Knockoff Nige · 10-09-2007 9:11am

mickoneill30 wrote:

If it was your girlfriend and your brother would you want (or expect) your friend to tell you?

I would. It'd hurt a hell of a lot but a lot less than finding out later on that you knew about it. It'll probably cause tension between the two of you but if he's been your friend for as long as you say he'll appreciate where you're coming from.

If you leave it to them to tell him they might put a bit of spin on it.

Edit: Beaten by Mr. Anderson. I really have to speed up my typing.

I agree with that. They'll find a way to make it look less serious. But the OP knows the blatant truth, they sucked the face off each other. They might say that it was a simple kiss on the cheek or something and that the OP is jealous. Best to get the truth out first. Dont be too naive about desperate people.

Knockoff Nige · 10-09-2007 9:11am

mickoneill30 wrote:

If it was your girlfriend and your brother would you want (or expect) your friend to tell you?

I would. It'd hurt a hell of a lot but a lot less than finding out later on that you knew about it. It'll probably cause tension between the two of you but if he's been your friend for as long as you say he'll appreciate where you're coming from.

If you leave it to them to tell him they might put a bit of spin on it.

Edit: Beaten by Mr. Anderson. I really have to speed up my typing.

I agree with that. They'll find a way to make it look less serious. But the OP knows the blatant truth, they sucked the face off each other. They might say that it was a simple kiss on the cheek or something and that the OP is jealous. Best to get the truth out first. Dont be too naive about desperate people.

ali.c · 10-09-2007 9:19am

I think you should tell him, its important he knows the full information before he buys a house with this girl. Mind you i would suggest telling him and only him, i.e. do not discuss it with anyone else, as he may decide to stay with her despite this and this will leave his options open (after all its his choice). Plus there is nothing worse than the world knowing your business before you do!

its a terrible position to be in, but he has the right to know. If they dont tell him and you have to do it, do it somewhere relatively private and so he doesnt have any pressing engagements to attend.

Clare Bear · 10-09-2007 9:21am

Tell him. What kind of friend are you if you don't? You'd never get it out of your head anyway.

Varkov · 10-09-2007 9:28am

Yup, definatly tell him. Tell him exactly what you saw and dont let them put their spin on it, he deservers to know the clear truth of it if he trul is your friend.

Its up to you though.

Sleepy · 10-09-2007 9:29am

Varkov wrote:

Yup, definatly tell him. Tell him exactly what you saw and dont let them put their spin on it, he deservers to know the clear truth of it if he trul is your friend.

Its up to you though.

Tell him before he ends up in a position where she'll take him for half of everything he owns and tearing his family apart.

Heinrich · 10-09-2007 9:35am

When you take the kind advice to tell him will you have the decency to come back here and tell those of us who disagree how it works out?

Now if I was "informed" of some stuff like this the infromer would get a well merited kick in the backside. Can one be left to live one's own life and find out what has to be found out and eventually deal with it?

Loomis · 10-09-2007 9:37am

Heinrich wrote:

When you take the kind advice to tell him will you have the decency to come back here and tell those of us who disagree how it works out?

Now if I was "informed" of some stuff like this the infromer would get a well merited kick in the backside. Can one be left to live one's own life and find out what has to be found out and eventually deal with it?

You honestly saying you'd rather be left ignorant to it and prefer to find out in a few years time when you've bought a house with her, married and children?

Knockoff Nige · 10-09-2007 9:41am

Heinrich wrote:

When you take the kind advice to tell him will you have the decency to come back here and tell those of us who disagree how it works out?

Now if I was "informed" of some stuff like this the infromer would get a well merited kick in the backside. Can one be left to live one's own life and find out what has to be found out and eventually deal with it?

Heinrich, if its let go then worse things might happen. Its not fair on the OP that those two people have put him in this position but that doesnt mean he can neglect it. He has a responsibility.

Varkov · 10-09-2007 9:46am

Heinrich wrote:

When you take the kind advice to tell him will you have the decency to come back here and tell those of us who disagree how it works out?

Now if I was "informed" of some stuff like this the infromer would get a well merited kick in the backside. Can one be left to live one's own life and find out what has to be found out and eventually deal with it?

Ignorance is bliss for the cowardly.

mickoneill30 · 10-09-2007 9:49am

Heinrich wrote:

Now if I was "informed" of some stuff like this the infromer would get a well merited kick in the backside. Can one be left to live one's own life and find out what has to be found out and eventually deal with it?

So you're a more "shoot the messenger" kind of guy.

You're not going to get too far in life if you can't accept bad news. Better to get the bad news and either fix it or move on than walk around all ignorant with your mates knowing your girlfriend is cheating on you but not going to tell you because you don't like bad news.

If you respect your mate tell him. If you don't (or he can't take the truth like Heinrich) then don't.

patrickolee · 10-09-2007 10:11am

It's a bloody kiss for crying out loud. Get off your high horses. You're presuming that the brother and the female are terrible people because they kissed and that any relationship is doomed in the future. People mess up all the time. You don't know the full circumstances and you're advising someone to plod all over a relationship and a family with size 12s. O.P Think long and hard before you get involved. You aren't going to come out of this as a hero, don't be a busy body.

How Strange · 10-09-2007 10:13am

OP, unfortunately you are involved now as you saw them together, they saw you and made some excuses of its not what it looks like.

Why were they out in town at the weekend? I'm presuming you mean Dublin but even if its Cork, Limerick or somewhere else in Ireland we all know how small this country is. I've spotted people I know having affairs/heading off home for some one night stand shagging on nights out in Dublin. Luckily for me they were only acquaintances so I could just shrug it off and feel sorry for the gf/bf. But how stupid of them.. unless they wanted to be seen.

Either way, your dilemma is whether or not to say anything. If you say something, your friend will be angry at you at the beginning. Don't expect anything less. But if you say nothing and carry on the charade then he will be gutted if he finds out later that you knew.

If it was my best or very close friend I would say something. If the friend wasn't a really close one then I'd keep out of it.

But the advice to tell the gf/brother that they have to come clean first is good. Then if they do nothing unfortunately you have to be bearer of bad news.

mickoneill30 · 10-09-2007 10:17am

patrickolee wrote:

It's a bloody kiss for crying out loud. Get off your high horses.

To quote the op.

Right in front of me two people were practically trying to swallow each others head..

That'd be OK for you if you saw your missus doing that?

Miss Fluff · 10-09-2007 10:20am

ali.c wrote:

I think you should tell him, its important he knows the full information before he buys a house with this girl. Mind you i would suggest telling him and only him, i.e. do not discuss it with anyone else, as he may decide to stay with her despite this and this will leave his options open (after all its his choice).

Agreed, tell your mate but don't go telling anyone else. He may just decide to stay with her and he may just decide never to speak to you again. I think he deserves to know though. I mean his own brother.....? Poor sausage!:eek:

patrickolee · 10-09-2007 10:28am

mickoneill30 wrote:

To quote the op.
Right in front of me two people were practically trying to swallow each others head..
That'd be OK for you if you saw your missus doing that?

Of course it wouldn't be OK, but I wouldn't automatically reach for the nuclear option. I certainly wouldn't jump to any conclusions as to the seriousness of the matter. There may have been drink/drugs involved which cloud people's judgement. And to answer your question directly, my partner has had affairs and we're still together. Our relationship is stronger as a result.

How Strange · 10-09-2007 10:31am

Patrickolee, that's quite a rare situation that affairs make a relationship stronger. It usually blows them right out of the water. In this instance, the OP seems to think that his best friends gf sucking the face off best friends bro is not a good thing. And he is asking advice on what to do now that he saw that display of affection.

Loomis · 10-09-2007 10:35am

patrickolee wrote:

Of course it wouldn't be OK, but I wouldn't automatically reach for the nuclear option. I certainly wouldn't jump to any conclusions as to the seriousness of the matter. There may have been drink/drugs involved which cloud people's judgement. And to answer your question directly, my partner has had affairs and we're still together. Our relationship is stronger as a result.

Affairs? Plural?
How did you find out about them?

Edit: drink is not an excuse...

patrickolee · 10-09-2007 10:42am

Mr. Anderson wrote:

Affairs? Plural?
How did you find out about them?

Text messages, browser cache and then I just asked. It happens. That was 3.5 years ago. Affairs are not the end of the world. If you think you're relationship would end because of one, then to be honest the relationship is not very secure and probably not worth having in the first place.

axer · 10-09-2007 10:52am

patrickolee wrote:

my partner has had affairs and we're still together.

affairs and ye are still together? My god! :eek:

Anyway, I would agree with the rest and say tell him. Doesn't matter if they were drunk etc. Let him decide whats important. You know the facts i.e. they were sucking the face off of each other.

Loomis · 10-09-2007 10:54am

patrickolee wrote:

Text messages, browser cache and then I just asked. It happens. That was 3.5 years ago. Affairs are not the end of the world. If you think you're relationship would end because of one, then to be honest the relationship is not very secure and probably not worth having in the first place.

Eh, if a relationship was secure why would an affair happen? And more than once?

Had you not seen the texts you'd never have found out. And that wouldn't bother you?

seamus · 10-09-2007 11:06am

patrickolee wrote:

Text messages, browser cache and then I just asked. It happens.

But if you'd never found out, then that'd be cool right? Ignorance is bliss and all that. Having kids by other men and someone making you look like a blind cuckolded idiot is great fun?

Look, good on you for working through your problems and getting through them, but I can't believe that you think it's better that a person knows nothing about it. In fact, you of all people should realise the importance of the other party knowing about what's gone on.

To some (myself included), a snog & a grope is an issue regardless of what's been consumed beforehand. When that involves a close member of family, it's even more important to bring it out in the open - chances are there's much more than a quick kiss going on.

How Strange · 10-09-2007 11:14am

Patrickolee.Text messages, browser cache and then I just asked.

So you suspected something was up, did a bit of detective work and then asked her out straight. It wasn't like she came home one day and admitted to it. In the OP's scenario, he has seen something that is suspicious and he should tell his friend. And if his friend decides he can live with what happened then thats his choice.

My point is you found out (by being an amateur PI), confronted your gf/wife and forgave her. So I would have thought you would be advising the OP to tell his friend so he can ask his gf 'WTF' and then make a decision.

Tar.Aldarion · 10-09-2007 11:21am

Tell, really easy decision for me there...

patrickolee · 10-09-2007 11:21am

How Strange wrote:

So you suspected something was up, did a bit of detective work and then asked her out straight. It wasn't like she came home one day and admitted to it. In the OP's scenario, he has seen something that is suspicious and he should tell his friend. And if his friend decides he can live with what happened then thats his choice.

My point is you found out (by being an amateur PI), confronted your gf/wife and forgave her. So I would have thought you would be advising the OP to tell his friend so he can ask his gf 'WTF' and then make a decision.

Yes, but my point is that it is none of the O.P.s business. It's is up to his friend to find out himself, which he probably will in time. If the O.P. starts telling tales, he'll just make it harder for his friend to forgive his brother and his girlfriend. By saying something, you could be making a bad situation, much worse. While you're probably dying to get involved, you probably shouldn't, especially seeing as their is blood relationship involved. No matter how close you think you are to this friend, you are nowhere near as close as his brother.

Mel99 · 10-09-2007 11:28am

Mind your own business - neither will thank you!

Loomis · 10-09-2007 11:29am

patrickolee wrote:

Yes, but my point is that it is none of the O.P.s business. It's is up to his friend to find out himself, which he probably will in time. If the O.P. starts telling tales, he'll just make it harder for his friend to forgive his brother and his girlfriend. By saying something, you could be making a bad situation, much worse. While you're probably dying to get involved, you probably shouldn't, especially seeing as their is blood relationship involved. No matter how close you think you are to this friend, you are nowhere near as close as his brother.

Again, you would have preferred your friend not tell you and leave you ignorant to the fact your gf was cheating on you if it was your mate who knew?

chump · 10-09-2007 11:33am

patrickolee wrote:

It's a bloody kiss for crying out loud. Get off your high horses. You're presuming that the brother and the female are terrible people because they kissed and that any relationship is doomed in the future. People mess up all the time. You don't know the full circumstances and you're advising someone to plod all over a relationship and a family with size 12s. O.P Think long and hard before you get involved. You aren't going to come out of this as a hero, don't be a busy body.

nothing unusual about seeing this sort of awful advice on these forums

OP you've a simply decision to make. Do unto others... and all that.

It is the decision of your friend how he cares to view this kiss. Maybe he shares patrickcolee's views, but he probably doesn't.

Tell

ali.c · 10-09-2007 11:47am

i know people are saying its just a kiss with drink involved, but comeon, to get drunk and kiss a randomer is one thing to get drunk and kiss your bf's brother or your brothers gf is another.......

patrickolee · 10-09-2007 12:55pm

Mr. Anderson wrote:

Again, you would have preferred your friend not tell you and leave you ignorant to the fact your gf was cheating on you if it was your mate who knew?

Depends, but in some circumstances I'd prefer to be told. ie. if it was someone I had just met/not very serious. But if it was a serious relationship/blood relationship, I'd want my 'mate' to stay well away. In the scenario outlined by the o.p. I definitely wouldn't want 3rd party sticking their oar in. It would just make any resolution more awkward and difficult if I thought the incident was public knowledge.

If the O.P. does tell his friend, what is the likely or most desireable outcome?

mickoneill30 · 10-09-2007 1:12pm

patrickolee wrote:

Depends, but in some circumstances I'd prefer to be told. ie. if it was someone I had just met/not very serious. But if it was a serious relationship/blood relationship, I'd want my 'mate' to stay well away. In the scenario outlined by the o.p. I definitely wouldn't want 3rd party sticking their oar in. It would just make any resolution more awkward and difficult if I thought the incident was public knowledge.

If the O.P. does tell his friend, what is the likely or most desireable outcome?

Why are you using the words mate and 3rd party. In this case he says he's been a good friend for 14 years. That's a bit more than a mate.

To answer your question, there's no good resolution. What's your alternative? Blissful ignorance.
If it was me and a good friend that I'd known for 14 years told me the OPs story my resolution would be to have a serious chat with my girlfriend and then decide where to go from there (with a major chance of a breakup). But to the OP I don't think it would affect our friendship. Your close friends are the ones you can trust to tell you something like that when they know it. Your mates are the ones you go for a few drinks with and it doesn't really make a difference to you if you know them or not and that kind of info is none of their business.

meglome · 10-09-2007 1:16pm

It's one thing if it was some randomer but it's the guys brother. If I found my gf cheating I wouldn't go after the guy but if it was with one of my brothers it would be a different story. I would have a major problem with my own brother doing that.

The OP is in a tricky situation where no one will thank him (initially anyway) for telling the truth. For me if I knew the boyfriend was also playing away at times I'd say nothing at all. But if he's not then I'd come up with a way to tip him off, you've got to look out for your friends.

Caliden · 10-09-2007 1:29pm

If he is going to propose and buy a house with this woman he has to know.
Tell them to come clean or you will.

If I was 'steve' I would want to know.

patrickolee · 10-09-2007 1:36pm

mickoneill30 wrote:

Why are you using the words mate and 3rd party. In this case he says he's been a good friend for 14 years. That's a bit more than a mate.

I used the word 'mate', because the previous poster had used it. I even put little quotes around it to indicate I was using a word that had been previously used. If the OP is more of a 'friend' than a 'mate', he will think long and hard about getting involved. The easy thing would be to tell the friend. The more difficult and sensible thing to do is avoiding a rush to judgement and keeping his nose firmly out of it!

easyontheeye · 10-09-2007 1:37pm

you HAVE to tell him, your loyalty is to your mate of 14 YEARS! think of it, if he finds out , he will most like not want to know you if he finds out that you new.

listen if shes cheating with his brother she will cheat with anyone! at least save the man from stress of having to split a house 50:50 when he does find out she cheated

patrickolee · 10-09-2007 1:43pm

easyontheeye wrote:

you HAVE to tell him, your loyalty is to your mate of 14 YEARS! think of it, if he finds out , he will most like not want to know you if he finds out that you new.

I think if he finds out, the last person he'll be worried about is this 'mate' or friend:D of 14 years. I think he'll be much more focused on the transgressions his girlfriend and brother somehow!

mickoneill30 · 10-09-2007 1:51pm

Here's a scenario for you Patrick.

You're in love with your girlfriend.
She's cheating on you.
Your friend (of 14 years) knows and doesn't tell you.
You get married.
You find out she was cheating on you.
You find out your friend knew from before you were married.

Do you ever talk to your friend again? Maybe you do. Do you still trust him? Are you happy he didn't tell you?

Or another one.

Youre in love with your girlfriend.
She's cheating on you.
Your friend (of 14 years) knows and doesn't tell you.
You get married.
You never find out about the cheating. She does or doesn't continue cheating. There's no way your mate is going to know.
Any time he sees you and your wife they know they have a secret they can never tell you. If it was me I'd pretty much class the friendship as over.

Edit. My grammer was a mess in the second part.

patrickolee · 10-09-2007 2:00pm

mickoneill30 wrote:

Here's a scenario for you Patrick.

You're in love with your girlfriend.
She's cheating on you.
Your friend (of 14 years) knows and doesn't tell you.
You get married.
You find out she was cheating on you.
You find out your friend knew from before you were married.

Do you ever talk to your friend again? Maybe you do. Do you still trust him? Are you happy he didn't tell you?

I would hope I'd talk to my friend and try and find out why he didn't tell me. If the reasons were honourable I think I'd understand.

mickoneill30 wrote:

You're in love with your girlfriend.
She's cheating on you.
Your friend (of 14 years) knows and doesn't tell you.
You get married.
He never finds out about the cheating. She does or doesn't continue cheating. There's no way you're going to know.
Any time you see the couple in the future you and the wife know you have a secret you can never tell your friend. If it was me I'd pretty much class the friendship as over.

That ones easy as it's happened to me. I'm still friends with both of them and they are both happy out. But neither of them know that I know. If one party knew, I knew, it might be different.

OK scenario for you...

You're in love with your girlfriend.
She's cheating on you.
Your friend (of 14 years) knows and tells you.
You break up with your girlfriend
You fall out with your brother
You fall out with other members of your family as sides are taken
You meet your friend of 14 years.
Do you thank him?

Seen my friends GF kissing his brother

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