Boyfriends drinking

tyranis

ok this might sound really stupid to some people but im not sure whether to break up with my boyfriend over his drinking...i really dont care if people drink, i drink, my problem with it is that he never remembers anything when he does!! i was able to get over it for a while and laugh about it and stuffs but then last night we had sex for the first time and he didnt even remember!!
in a way it makes me feel like he doesnt care because he says things when hes drunk but doesnt remember a single thing when hes sober again the next day!! hes not always drunk either it just takes him 4 pints to start to forget things so we cant even go for a casual few drinks without the night being a blur to him! ive tried talking to him about it but he doesnt really see what the big problem is, he knows it upsets me but he doesnt want to give up drinking completly...should i break up with him, anyones opinions or advice would be really really appriciated!!!

frodi

If he drinks so much that he doesn't remember then he has a problem.
You can

1. Stay with him and live with it
2. Stay with him if he decides to do something about it and help him through it
3. Leave him before you invest any more in this relationship.

Best of luck what ever you decide.

vorbis

how does he act while drunk?
If he acts fine but simply doesn't remember anything the next day, I don't see the problem. In terms of drinking problems this would be a mild one. Maybe you're being too sensitive about it.

LegacyUser

I had a boyfriend who drank a lot too. He was quite drunk the first few times we had sex and most of it was a blank to him. He didn't tell me this for a while and eventually plonked an 'I don't really know you at all' on me. I felt like I was getting to know him pretty well (falling for him even), but during those important and intimate really-getting-to-know-you times, he was off his face. I ended up breaking it off with him - stupidly devestated for a few months, but then met someone miles better.

You're situation mightn't be as bad as all that, but I'd weigh up how much quality time you're spending with him while he's drunk.

tyranis

hes ok when hes drunk...hes not abusive or anything! its just the fact that he like forgets everything and i know it may see like im being to sensitive about it all but i mean like hel forget really intimate conversations and act like things he said and did never happened because in his mind they havnt so its really weird for me!! I do really like him but it has started to get to me latly!

Canis Lupus

I'm terrible when I'm on the piss. I'm perfectly fine, well behaved and can have conversations etc etc but the brain stops recording. It's odd. My missus just uses it to wind me up nowadays.

In saying that, not remembering the first time you had hanky panky is hilarious. Give him marks for being honest with you tho

bohsboy

he'd want to be careful. Alcohol does strange things to some people. I used to drink a fair bit and would blank out big parts of nights out. i thought it was funny at first and my mates would all slag me about it, thinking too that it was hilarious.

However, soon i was waking up with cuts and bruises, not knowing where i got them. The paranoia was unreal, was I fighting? had i assaulted someone? I woke up a couple of times in friends houses with no idea how i got there. The horrific imagery going through my head made me think I'd done awful things. I never knew if I had or just figments of my imagination.

Chances are, 99% of the time it's never a problem, but soon something will happen where he will have to account for himself. He's probably been lucky up to this. Tell him to stop before something serious happens.

faceman

There is generally no talking to people with alcohol problems. Unfortunately most people think you have to be a middle aged alco drinking every day, constantly hammered to be someone with a drink problem. Thats not the case.

Ultimately with drink problems, its the individual who has to acknowledge that they have a problem before things can improve. Telling them they have a problem usually results in conflict/agro/denial etc.

it sounds like you are going out for a short length of time so you have nothing to lose if you cut your loses now.

If you have explained your issue to him and he doesnt see the problem, id probably leave him. Im assuming you're young with no baggage etc so its not worth it. (in my opinion of course)

If you do wish to stick it out however, best of luck. I would recommend you talk to your GP or with the AA about your situation to get some professional advice.

http://www.alcoholicsanonymous.ie/opencontent/default.asp?itemid=15&section=About+Us

If anyone ever wants to see an eye opener, go to an AA meeting.

MagicMarker

People! The OP never said the guy had a drinking problem, in fact she says that he's fine when he drinks and that it only takes 4 pints for him to forget the night before.

I'm assuming the only thing the op has a problem with is the memory loss, and not the drinking itself.

OP: If this is correct then i think you're over reacting somewhat and it would be very unfair to dump him over something he can't really control, bar giving up drinking completely. But why should he do that? For you?

jawlie

It's interesting to see that some of the responses seem to take the line that so long as he is not beating you up, or getting into fights, or ending up in other scrapes , then its not a problem.

I disagree. If a person is having memory loss caused by alcohol, then that person obvioiusly has a problem, and a potentially serious problem. If he refuses to accept that, then you have to make a choice whether that is something with which you, and possibly future children if thats a possibility , can live with in a relationship.

It could be caused by all sorts of things and could be that he is alcoholic, and hides some of his drinking from you, so that what you see as his first drink is not his first drink, or he could have neurological problems which need diagnosis. It could be lots of other things too.

If it were me, i would not stay as long as he is in a state of denial about it and doesn't take my feelings about it seriously and so long as he thinks our relationship is less important that his denial.

Nehpets

How is he in a state of denial jawlie?

OP, if I were you I'd ignore pretty much all posts here. (Except this one and MagicMarker )

MagicMarker

MagicMarker wrote:

People! The OP never said the guy had a drinking problem, in fact she says that he's fine when he drinks and that it only takes 4 pints for him to forget the night before.

I'm assuming the only thing the op has a problem with is the memory loss, and not the drinking itself.

OP: If this is correct then i think you're over reacting somewhat and it would be very unfair to dump him over something he can't really control, bar giving up drinking completely. But why should he do that? For you?

How in god's name is drinking alcohol something he can't control? if it's "only" 4 pints then he can just drink 3. Just because he's not violent...?!

This IS a problem, and if the bf refused to acknowledge that it was an issue or do anything about it, then I'd suggest leaving.

the_syco

bluewolf wrote:

How in god's name is drinking alcohol something he can't control? if it's "only" 4 pints then he can just drink 3. Just because he's not violent...?!

This IS a problem, and if the bf refused to acknowledge that it was an issue or do anything about it, then I'd suggest leaving.

Gotta agree here. You forget stuff, you forget the fights, the whores you've f**ked, you forget EVERYTHING!!!

This is a BIG problem. OP, get your BF to talk to the GP about this. These are called "blackouts". Once or twice is ok, but continous, and it'll lead to long-term memory problems.

Bad news: since he doesn't remember anyhting, he'll no reason to change his habits, and thus continue on. Only way is for one of his mates to tell him.

Finally, it's usually in the gene's: it'll happen to some, and not others.

DavyD_83

I've had more than my fair share of drink induced memory loss over the years. Its not a good thing, and to be honest should be avoided at all cost. (Now, if i can just start taking my own advice..:p ).

OP: from my experience, if its a huge issue for you and he cares about you, he should be willing to cut back at least some of the time when he's with you.
Not remembering intimate conversations and moments can be tough to deal with from his side too. In my case i always convinced myself that as long as i didn't do anything bad it wasn't a problem. I could never understand being given out to for not remembering being nice :rolleyes:. These days i finally get it, and just wish i understood at the time:( .

Give him a chance, but try and make him understand WHY your upset, cos he probably won't get it the first time.

Esel

If you're thinking of breaking up over this, I'd say you consider he has a problem. So do I. If you haven't invested much time in this relationship, breaking up could be the wise thing to do.

Imo, people who think blackouts after alcohol are not a problem have a problem!

davyjose

How frequently does he drink? If you can get him to cut it down to once a fortnight, and just have fun with him (rather than intimate), then it might not be a proble.
Alternatively you could refuse to drink with him. Since meeting my gf (who drinks very rarely) I drink an awful lot less. I still get hammered when I do, and I'm generally a mess the next day(today actually - ha ha), but I may not get drunk again this month.

faceman

esel wrote:

If you're thinking of breaking up over this, I'd say you consider he has a problem. So do I. If you haven't invested much time in this relationship, breaking up could be the wise thing to do.

Imo, people who think blackouts after alcohol are not a problem have a problem!

agreed

tyranis

thanks for all the advice!! im meeting up with him today and if he doesnt want to cut down his drinking then im gona break up with him....wish me luck!:)

jawlie

I hope it all went well and, whatever the outcome, it will be good for you both.

Zulu

Oh for crying out load people. So the guy forgets a little - get over yourselves. Has anyone even bothered to question how old he is?
I'm guessing he's in his teens.

OP - if you get upset because someone who otherwise is a good boyfriend forgets some things, do him a favour, break up with him and sort yourself out. Your overly sensitive.
On the other hand, if this is another in a list of reasons of why you don't want to be with him - leave him.

Canis Lupus

Zulu wrote:

Oh for crying out load people. So the guy forgets a little - get over yourselves. Has anyone even bothered to question how old he is?
I'm guessing he's in his teens.

OP - if you get upset because someone who otherwise is a good boyfriend forgets some things, do him a favour, break up with him and sort yourself out. Your overly sensitive.
On the other hand, if this is another in a list of reasons of why you don't want to be with him - leave him.

This is PI, you mention you drink in PI you have a problem. Doesn't matter or where what or how, YOU HAVE A PROBLEM!!! Thing with alcohol is the aul "you're in denial". You can't win in here with the pioneer brigade

karen3212

Hi Op,
If someone is blacking out after 4 drinks, then there maybe a medical problem. I would definately tell him to see his GP. There may be something wrong with his brain.

Otherwise if someone blackouts and don't think it's a problem, then I would leave, I personally couldn't handle the worry of where they'd been and what they'd been up to. Goodluck.

Jesus Wept

vorbis wrote:

how does he act while drunk?
If he acts fine but simply doesn't remember anything the next day, I don't see the problem. In terms of drinking problems this would be a mild one. Maybe you're being too sensitive about it.

Disagree.

I think anyone who that can't remember anything after drinking shouldn't drink.

Canis Lupus

The-Rigger wrote:

Disagree.

I think anyone who that can't remember anything after drinking shouldn't drink.

Why? It happens regularly to me. My mates have verified I am at no time, offensive or nasty. I do not fight. I do not fall about the place vomiting my ring up groping women and being, in general, a waste of time and space.

I do however lose track of parts of the night the morning after.

Apart from medical reasons that might indicate my brain is going to implode from alcohol consumption why shouldn't I continue to drink?

Why is it so bad that I forget things? Why is this a problem for you when I don't find it a problem for me? Having a few drinks and forgetting stuff is better than having a few drinks, getting into fights, stumbling around for the night look like a state with vomit on you, going home, hitting your missus and not showing up for work the next day cos you decided to stay at home and drink some more....

karen3212

Canis Lupus wrote:

Why? It happens regularly to me. My mates have verified I am at no time, offensive or nasty. I do not fight. I do not fall about the place vomiting my ring up groping women and being, in general, a waste of time and space.

I do however lose track of parts of the night the morning after.

Apart from medical reasons that might indicate my brain is going to implode from alcohol consumption why shouldn't I continue to drink?

Why is it so bad that I forget things? Why is this a problem for you when I don't find it a problem for me? Having a few drinks and forgetting stuff is better than having a few drinks, getting into fights, stumbling around for the night look like a state with vomit on you, going home, hitting your missus and not showing up for work the next day cos you decided to stay at home and drink some more....

But does that mean you have a minder with you at all times then, when you are drinking?

Jesus Wept

Canis Lupus wrote:

Canis Lupus wrote:

Why is it so bad that I forget things? Why is this a problem for you when I don't find it a problem for me? Having a few drinks and forgetting stuff is better than having a few drinks, getting into fights, stumbling around for the night look like a state with vomit on you, going home, hitting your missus and not showing up for work the next day cos you decided to stay at home and drink some more....

Price of turnips? Those aren't comparable examples, it's also better than murdering someone, crashing your car into a nunnery, developing nuclear warheads, the list goes on, but what's that got to do with it.

Not remembering isn't better than having recall of your life/night/actions (regardless of there merit), that's comparable.

It's just my opinion, I think if drinking leaves you with no recall of the night, then that's a message from your body/brain that you shouldn't drink.

I also think that people who puke all/most of the time after drinking alcohol shouldn't drink, I'm sure plenty of people don't agree on that, especially the pukers.

Imo, if your alcohol consumption causes you to have no lose your memory, or to puke your guts up from drinking it, that it's a sign you shouldn't drink it.

Lets not forget it's a toxin at the end of the day, how many other things would be persist with if they caused these symptoms?!

That's my 2cents.

ninty9er

This is a slight problem, but not one that's out of the ordinary.

I find myself forgetting just as much after a sober night out as a drunken night out on the town.

Fair enough he shouldn't realistically be blacking out after 4 pints, which is more worrying than the memory loss itself, which I find is more a consequence of tiredness than alcohol.

Give the guy a chance...btw how old is he??

Marksie

OP: Anyone who has memory loss every time they drink has a problem. It is not being a member of the pioneer brigade to realise the common sense in this.

To be perfectly frank drunken s*x is about the worst for you can have anyways, regardless of how much you care for him.

You are entirely correct in your stance to talk to him and essentially give him an ultimatum. If he continues without being checked, it will not get better but worse.

faceman

ninty9er wrote:

This is a slight problem, but not one that's out of the ordinary.

I find myself forgetting just as much after a sober night out as a drunken night out on the town.

Fair enough he shouldn't realistically be blacking out after 4 pints, which is more worrying than the memory loss itself, which I find is more a consequence of tiredness than alcohol.

Give the guy a chance...btw how old is he??

ok so you're saying you suffer from memory loss whether you drink or not? Jaysus, you need to see a doctor pronto! That could be very serious, if you are for real.

If someone is blacking out (or puking) after consuming alcohol, then the alcohol has already caused damage to that person. in the case of memory loss, irrepairable damage. as i said in a previous post, with alcoholism (which doesnt just mean those middle aged men who get hammered every day) its up to the individual to realise they have an issue. If someone is happy enough to continue to do damage to their mind despite the damage that has already been done, then so be it.

I wonder how many of the "leave him alone he's only young and its harmless" and "sure give him a chance" crew can enjoy a night out without drinking?

oh and for the record, i aint no pioneer.

Canis Lupus

To Karen: Yes I do and prove otherwise.

To The Rigger: This is a point of choice. You shouldn't smoke, you shouldn't drink at all in fairness, you shouldn't do drugs, you shouldn't eat fatty foods. You should exercise and not spend your life sitting in front of the tv watching big brother and the X Factor and hating yourself for it.

You shouldn't do alot of things in life but then it's often the things you shouldn't do that makes life so interesting even if you can't remember doing it in the first place. Who wants to live forever tho?

Marksie

Canis Lupus wrote:

This is a point of choice.

Quite true and you are responsible for your own actions in whatever choice you make, and how it will affect you mentally and physically.

But to keep it on topic, then the OP isn't responsible. But neither should she put up with it if its affecting her negatively.

Canis Lupus wrote:

Who wants to live forever tho?

No-one, but there is a difference between enjoying the rollercoeaster ride and not remembering it.

Again the OP boyfriend may not want to live forever, but it depends whether it means enough to live it with the OP

Canis Lupus

Marksie wrote:

But to keep it on topic, then the OP isn't responsible. But neither should she put up with it if its affecting her negatively.

Oh totally, at the end of the day if it ****s her off she needs to be having words with him and if he won't change make her mind up about whether she can put up with his "flaw" or not.

the_syco

esel wrote:

Imo, people who think blackouts after alcohol are not a problem have a problem!

Not condoning them, but when the person doesn't see what they did as wrong (as they did everything right), but they're getting grief over not remembering it, they'll be confused on why they're getting yelled at. OP, explain why you have a problem with him not remembering those "nice moments", and he may understand.

faceman wrote:

I wonder how many of the "leave him alone he's only young and its harmless" and "sure give him a chance" crew can enjoy a night out without drinking?

Inside a pub without anything else to do, or in a nightclub? The former, I need drink, the latter, drink helps, but don't need it.

LegacyUser

I think I might suffer from the same problem - I rarely remember anything after a session, its not just the stuff that I do when Im drunk I forget a lot of what happenned in the few hours before I even start drinking

I used to think it was funny when people would tell me some of the things Id get up to but Im beginning to get a bit worried now

I dont think you should dump someone because of this but you should tell him how you feel about it and ask him not to drink when hes out with you

Esel

The basic fact is that having blackouts (i.e. not remembering stuff the next day - like how you got home, what you did between 1 a.m. and 5 a.m., how you have cuts and bruises etc. etc.) is a problem. It is one of the questions used to determine if a person may be an alcoholic.

You can deny that blackouts are a problem, but this does not mean that they are not. Just because your mates tell you were grand is not the issue. The issue is the blackout, plain and simple.

@the_syco: Who is yelling at anyone here?

Zulu

Good to see this has turned into a debate about "blacking out", wheither or not blacking out is a problem is entirly dependant on the individual. Anyhow, it's a moot point to argure here folks: it isn't the real issue here it is an element of it.

For those finding it difficult, the OP whats to know wheither or not she should leave her boyfriend because he forgot about their little fumble under the sheets.

Marksie

I am giving a general instruction to get back on topic.

if you wish to start a devate aboiut the drink culture take it to humanities

faceman

Zulu wrote:

Good to see this has turned into a debate about "blacking out", wheither or not blacking out is a problem is entirly dependant on the individual. Anyhow, it's a moot point to argure here folks: it isn't the real issue here it is an element of it.

For those finding it difficult, the OP whats to know wheither or not she should leave her boyfriend because he forgot about their little fumble under the sheets.

The issue is with the OP's boyfriend drinking habits. In order for her to make an educated decision as to the future of the relationship, she needs to understand the implication of his drinking.

i totally disagree with your comment highlighted in bold. so does that mean that someone cant have a drink problem unless they decide for themselves that they have one? Is blacking out an acceptable result of drinking? In what way is it harmless?

Zulu

faceman wrote:

The issue is with the OP's boyfriend drinking habits. In order for her to make an educated decision as to the future of the relationship, she needs to understand the implication of his drinking.

No she's upset he doesn't remember the first time they had sex. This was evidently a big thing for her and now she feels that it didn't really mean that much to him. Thus she thinks they are no longer reading from the same page and she feels hurt that something so special meant nothing to him.
That's the real problem - the rest is just dressing.

I totally disagree with your comment highlighted in bold.

Thats your prerogative.

so does that mean that someone cant have a drink problem unless they decide for themselves that they have one?

No. You've come up with that all by yourself. What it means is that "whether or not blacking out is a problem is entirely dependant on the individual".

Is blacking out an acceptable result of drinking?

Depends entirely on the individual in question. Personally, it occasionally happens to me, generally when I take a cut into the shots after a particularity long haul at the pints. That is a perfectly acceptable result.
As is the feeling of euphoria; the craic I'll have; the roaring hangover I'll have the morning after; the insatiable sexual urges the morning after. These are all perfectly acceptable results for me. It's not a problem.

In what way is it harmless?

I didn't say it was harmless, I said it mightn't necessarily be a problem.

faceman

Zulu you're a sound chap n all that jazz so i dont want to fall with u over someone elses boyfriend!

i feel you are being slightly selective with your arguments
(altho i concede i misterpreted your comment "whether or not blacking out is a problem is entirely dependant on the individual". However if anyone is having blackouts, then thats a problem.) If something is harmful its a problem in my view and im sure the view of many others.

however to avoid too much off topic debate, i might set up a thread in humanities to discuss the perils of alcohol further.

Mr. Incognito

Back on topic. He's young, you're young. He's entitled to a few drinks.

If you're not happy can his ass. Simple.

Zulu

faceman wrote:

however to avoid too much off topic debate, i might set up a thread in humanities to discuss the perils of alcohol further.

No worries face man, you're a gent. I just think people are being overtly sensitive here. I get the impression this is a very young couple.

eddiehobbs

i dont think you should dump someone over something they cant control. giving up drink completely is a big step. ye need to talk about this together op. memory loss after drink is a common problem as you can see from other posters. i remember nothing after roughly 5-6 pints on a night out myself.

Tzetze

tyranis wrote:

hes not always drunk either it just takes him 4 pints to start to forget things so we cant even go for a casual few drinks without the night being a blur to him!

A casual few drinks is 4+ pints?
If 4 pints is not drunk, then what is it? Sober?

craichoe

Oh ffs ... I think men forget alot more than they let on.

Birthdays, names, numbers, events, timelines ..

Its why women keep diaries.

I'd wonder how much he forgot .. or was it certain details. christ if he was just horny, i'd compare that with being drunk.

Bottle_of_Smoke

Is there *any* chance he has issues talking intimately to you ??

Find it very hard to believe he can't remember 1st time sex after 4 pints. Only time I couldn't remember sex was with someone I was sleeping with regularly & was very very very drunk.

Usually when I blank out it's because of an awful lot of drink combined with something I don't want to remember (saying things I shouldn't to the boss on a work night out is a common one)

So if he's got issues being intimate or even talking intimately his subconscious might delete the files in the same way I can't remember telling the boss exactly what's wrong with our department.

I'd stop drinking if I had your boyfriend's problem & I certainly wouldn't put up with a girlfriend doing it. Maybe the GP is a good idea.

Esel

Bottle_of_Smoke wrote:

Find it very hard to believe he can't remember 1st time sex after 4 pints.

A good way to have repeated 'first time sex' though!

Zulu

Tzetze wrote:

A casual few drinks is 4+ pints?

Exactly, tuesday night in the local with 3 friends. One round, keeping it civil; no worries.

If 4 pints is not drunk, then what is it? Sober?

Four pints, drunk? Are you insane?? ...or do you mean in as many minutes? Quantity of drink is only one factor. The volume of the drink, the size of the person, how much you've eaten, how healthy/fit you are, and how long you've been drinking for.
For a "night out" I'll have 8-10pints, and 5 vodka & lucozade. I'll be drunk but walking in a straight line. I won't black out. For a black out, I'll have the above please, with rounds of shots thrown in think, 1 sambouca, 1 baby guinness, 1 aftershock and another. ...but thats just me. I know many people who'd drink me under the table.

Tzetze, drink has different effect on different people. When I was 14, 4 pints would have had me well on my way. I know girls who are plastered on 3 pints, and I know other girls who can match me pint for pint, and I probably know other girls that can drink me under the table ...but I don't really remember any of them.

Tzetze

Zulu wrote:

Exactly, tuesday night in the local with 3 friends. One round, keeping it civil; no worries.

Four pints, drunk? Are you insane?? ...or do you mean in as many minutes? Quantity of drink is only one factor. The volume of the drink, the size of the person, how much you've eaten, how healthy/fit you are, and how long you've been drinking for.
For a "night out" I'll have 8-10pints, and 5 vodka & lucozade. I'll be drunk but walking in a straight line. I won't black out. For a black out, I'll have the above please, with rounds of shots thrown in think, 1 sambouca, 1 baby guinness, 1 aftershock and another. ...but thats just me. I know many people who'd drink me under the table.

Tzetze, drink has different effect on different people. When I was 14, 4 pints would have had me well on my way. I know girls who are plastered on 3 pints, and I know other girls who can match me pint for pint, and I probably know other girls that can drink me under the table ...but I don't really remember any of them.

Bully for you, two's my limit. 10 pints and 5 shorts. What's that, 20 units?
We're not allowed to drive after one pint. What effect do you suppose 4 pints have on a young person? Nevermind 20 units.

Esel

Tzetze wrote:

10 pints and 5 shorts. What's that, 20 units?

That's 25 units of alcohol.

DublinWriter

tyranis wrote:

ok this might sound really stupid to some people but im not sure whether to break up with my boyfriend over his drinking...i really dont care if people drink, i drink, my problem with it is that he never remembers anything when he does!!

People who drink heavily tend to build up a strange tolerance towards alcohol.

For example, someone who wasn't a drinker would gradually appear to be getting drunk through out the night in a fairly straight line if you could plot it on a graph.

A heavy drinker will not display the signs of being drunk so quickly and will usually not appear to be getting drunk at all. They finally will appear very very drunk when having their last drink of the night and will usually blackout at that stage.

From what you say about your bf's lack of memory, I would suggest to you that he's having a little more than 4 pints and might be drinking at home before meeting up with you.