Help urgently needed, complex situation

Gemini Sister

Here's the deal (try not to hate me).

For the past five months of my life I've been involved with two men. One I met at Christmas time, we fell out, got back together but not til I'd re-ignited contact with a ex from five years ago who had broken up with me five years before... I posted here three or four months ago - a thread called 'Choosing between two good guys'.
At the time my feelings for the ex were mostly fondness, while my infatuation with new guy was dampened cause I didn't know I could trust him. Months later, after much making up/breaking up & stress... both boyfriends want to settle down with me and I trust them both. And I want both of them. This situation is impossible, and I have to sort it out this weekend.
New boyfriend knows about old boyfriend but not the other way around. New boyfriend therefore alleges that he must love me more cause who else would put up with it... but I feel pressured by new boyfriend to break up with old boyfriend - even though after five months I'm not sure I want to. I can't get a clear handle on my own feelings cause they're so wrapped up in guilt. Also i know whoever I break up is gonna be devastated... I fear new boyfriend may even have a breakdown. It has to happen this weekend cause in a fit of remorse/love a few weeks ago I told old boyfriend he could move in with me... on tuesday! I've already delayed him a few weeks - he came from abroad to be with me. He quite reasonably says that if its not happening he's gonna hit the road i.e. he wants an answer. Both of these men are lovely and strong and caring and I love them both, yes, I know they say thats not possible but it is.
I never believed I find myself in a situation like this.
The last few months have been incredible stressful and aging.
Try not to get too hateful here, folks, cause I hate myself enough for all this already. Any help much appreciated.

:eek:

Kazobel

You have to choose, it's as simple as that but be prepared a few months down the line to regret not choosing the other one. It's a tricky situation and I don't envy you but it has to end for your own sanity if for no other reason.

Failing that you could just get them to fight it out, winner gets you, loser gets a ham so it's win/win

Good luck in what ever you decide

muppetkiller

Which one would you have your kids with ?

nialo

You have to choose.. no other option. List all there good and bad points. Ask yourself who you want to be with more.. (long term). take a step back from it all.. then go with your gut feeling. dont second guess it just go with it.. and live with the consequences...

BaZmO*

I don't get why you're asking strangers for advice on this. Nobody here knows anything about these guys other than they are both "Good" so it's a bit pointless offering advice. It really is something that you have to decide for yourself.

Zambia

There is nothing anyone who does not know the whole situation can help you with here.

In essence you are a very lucky(Possibly Pretty) girl to have two guys want you so badly.

Its avoiding this break up scenario that has caused this mess. Make a choice and go with it my vote would be on the weaker one dump him merely because the choice is yours considering what happens to the person after the break up should not be a factor in wether you break up.

On the other side what bloke allows a girl he is seeing to see someone else for this long.

Actually they both sound like losers dump them both and sort your head out. Touch base with you friends and never do this sort of thing again.

Personnally if I had let this get this far I would dump both and hide for a while abroad.

Oryx

Its entirely possible to love more than one person. (Mothers do it with their kids all the time) but the guilt and juggling when loving two partners romantically is hard to live with. The fact that you are feeling such guilt shows you really must have feelings for both these men.

The main thing is not to let how they may potentially feel or react affect your decision. They may breakdown, they may not, but the hard fact is that is not your problem. You need to decide for yourself whats best to do They're grown men. They'll deal with it.

Ideally you need to get away from both of them and give your head some space to decide which if either of them is for you. Defer the Tuesday move-in, which is putting far too much pressure on you. Sure, you may find that #1 will walk away, and you could end up with neither man, but that might happen anyway in this situation.

Good luck.

muppetkiller

On a side note if I found out my 'girlfriend' loved someone else equally to me..I'd make the decision for her. bye bye....

Vic Vinegar

KtK wrote:

Its entirely possible to love more than one person. (Mothers do it with their kids all the time)

Not really the same thing at all though!

Knockoff Nige

In my opinion, you should let the guy who doesnt know you've been cheating on him go, for his own sake.

Gyalist

This is a high-quality problem that calls for the wisdom of Solomon.

Seems like new boyfriend should be the one to go. Why do you think he'll have a breakdown if you split up? That alone should exclude him on the grounds that he is mentally fragile. He is also trying to guilt you into choosing him by claiming that he loves you more and is also pressuring you to break up with the old boyfriend. That to me reeks of neediness.

However, if I were you I defer moving in with the old boyfriend and try to put some temporary distance between both of them. This will enable you to make a more considered decision.

From a post of yours on another thread:

I'm a 33 yr old woman who still feels like a youth but I'm on the verge of settling down, partly to do with the bio clock.

I hope that isn't the reason why you feel that you have to rush your decision.

mickoneill30

muppetkiller wrote:

On a side note if I found out my 'girlfriend' loved someone else equally to me..I'd make the decision for her. bye bye....

Definitely. What'll happen if you tell old boyfriend what you've being doing. Your relationship with him won't ever be the same (if it continues at all).

The Sweeper

Look at it this way - if you could be absolutely guaranteed that neither chap would be hurt by what you tell them, and if their reactions were not influencing your choice, which one would you choose?

(Alternatively, stick your neck out, tell each about the other, then tell them you can't choose and they have to choose for you. Who knows, you could end up with a happy polygamous relationship(s). There's nowt as queer as folk.)

How Strange

I'm a 33 yr old woman who still feels like a youth but I'm on the verge of settling down, partly to do with the bio clock.

OP, I saw your reply above to another post in PI and when I read it I thought it was a bit odd but then I saw that this was your post.

Your bio clock must be ringing very hard if subconsciously or even consciously you have a fall back guy in case the main guy doesn't work out. I would urge caution here OP until you figure out what it is you want from either of these men. What if the one you choose is infertile? Will you ring the other guy up and ask him to move in?

I just think the bio clock issue is important when taken in context of the predicament you have found yourself in.

Sleepy

You're 33 years of age and you still think it's acceptable to two time guys in two serious relationships without even telling one of them? :eek:

Dump them both for their own good.

slemons

definitely break up with them both asap.
you're about to seriously hurt 2 good guys and you want sympathy?

the mind boggles...

Gemini Sister

How Strange wrote:

OP, I saw your reply above to another post in PI and when I read it I thought it was a bit odd but then I saw that this was your post.

Your bio clock must be ringing very hard if subconsciously or even consciously you have a fall back guy in case the main guy doesn't work out. I would urge caution here OP until you figure out what it is you want from either of these men. What if the one you choose is infertile? Will you ring the other guy up and ask him to move in?

I just think the bio clock issue is important when taken in context of the predicament you have found yourself in.

Yeah I had a feeling someone may bring up that post... it isn't a true representation of whats going on with me now... that was in response to what a 29 yr guy was thinking about settling down or not... I was just saying that for him there is plenty of time. I know there's time for me too - actually at 29 I was more paniced about aging that am I am now - although the bio-clock is a consideration its not really what this situation is about - if thats all it was then it wouldn't matter which one I was with. Last year I broke up with someone who would happily have had kids with me cause my feelings for him weren't strong enough. This year I'm involved with two guys that I would happily have kids with... shocking, I know.

Gemini Sister

slemons wrote:

definitely break up with them both asap.
you're about to seriously hurt 2 good guys and you want sympathy?

the mind boggles...

No. I'm about to hurt at least one good guy. And myself. I don't want sympathy. I'm appealing to a group of strangers on the internet out of desperation.

Sleepy

Tell the old boyfriend about the new one and I'm pretty sure he'll make the decision for you.

Gemini Sister

Sleepy wrote:

Tell the old boyfriend about the new one and I'm pretty sure he'll make the decision for you.

As daft as it sounds, I've considered doing that. But I haven't cause if I am to break up with him, why leave him with the hurt of being left someone else? And if I'm not to break up with him... yeah it may be a relief for me to unburden but... if then I've either lost a relationship that I want or damaged an innocent bystander...? I know what you're saying, that I should give HIM the freedom to choose... but to hurt him so much, is it justifiable?
I've always thought that if it was me in his situation I'd rather either be broken up with cause 'its not working' or if someone was cheating on me but then ultimately chose me then I'd rather not know they ever had a 'shaky patch'?
And, I know this sounds unbelievable but I'm not sure he'd walk away (I could be completely wrong of course).
???
My head is spinning.

humanji

Break up with both of them. You've screwed them around this much, you may as well put them out of their misery. Stop being selfish.

Knockoff Nige

Sleepy wrote:

Tell the old boyfriend about the new one and I'm pretty sure he'll make the decision for you.

Personally, I think she shouldnt tell him and break up with him for 'other reasons'. No point in causing him unneccessary pain.

Sabre Man

Ask yourself the folowing questions:

What were the reasons for the break-ups? Are these reasons still valid? Could it happen again? Who do you know the best?

cowzerp

humanji wrote:

Break up with both of them. You've screwed them around this much, you may as well put them out of their misery. Stop being selfish.

Agreed..


1 of them is stupid enough to stick with you while your with someone else so stick with him, he'll be a great mat to walk on when you decide you'd like to try someone else out-the other says he's out of there if you dont let him know-Do him a favour and let him go, hopefully desperate guy does not dump you cause i dont know how you found 2 good guys when you dont deserve 1.

Gemini Sister

KtK wrote:

Its entirely possible to love more than one person. (Mothers do it with their kids all the time) but the guilt and juggling when loving two partners romantically is hard to live with. The fact that you are feeling such guilt shows you really must have feelings for both these men.

The main thing is not to let how they may potentially feel or react affect your decision. They may breakdown, they may not, but the hard fact is that is not your problem. You need to decide for yourself whats best to do They're grown men. They'll deal with it.

Ideally you need to get away from both of them and give your head some space to decide which if either of them is for you. Defer the Tuesday move-in, which is putting far too much pressure on you. Sure, you may find that #1 will walk away, and you could end up with neither man, but that might happen anyway in this situation.

Good luck.

Thanks KtK... and everyone else. Gonna go away for the weekend & try to sort things out on Monday. Its very hard to hurt someone you love... when that person has been fantastic and I would never break up with them if it wasn't for the siyuation. I feel like I'm about to murder someone. But I have to stop being a coward. I still don't know which one.

Sleepy

Gemini Sister wrote:

I feel like I'm about to murder someone. But I have to stop being a coward. I still don't know which one.

Jesus, get over yourself. From the way you've treated these two blokes you ain't that much of a catch.

Knockoff Nige

Sleepy wrote:

Jesus, get over yourself. From the way you've treated these two blokes you ain't that much of a catch.

I think thats a little harsh. You cant imagine being in her position but that doesnt mean it wouldnt happen to you. I doubt she started off with the intention of falling in love with both. Just made a mistake along the way. We're human.

SarahSassy

Why did you ask him to move in with you when you are having 2 relationships???? Are you the full shilling? Did you not think they may bump into each other coming out of the shower in the morning.... Is this for reaL?????

~Rebel~

I wont go on about how horrible i think what your doing is, or that im not entirely sure you can love someone and still do this to them, Ill just echo everyone else's sentiments that you have to decide between them for yourself.

I would say however that if you chose Old boyfriend, you should tell him about the other guy or else I think your doomed from the start. If you chose new boyfriend theres no point in hurting the old one so just break up with him, but you cant start a serious settled down relationship with the old one without coming clean IMO.

BaZmO*

Knockoff Nige wrote:

I think thats a little harsh.

I disagree.

The fact is she had already flagged this as been a potentially messy affair a while back when she posted here about it. And what does she do ? Nip it in the bud there and then? Nope! She decides to escalate the situation by telling one of them that it's ok for him to move in with her and then tells one of them them that she's seeing the other one.

She then comes back on here saying that telling one of them would be like killing one them that it would hurt them so much. :rolleyes: If that doesn't sound like a drama queen I don't know what does.

I think the OP needs to start acting like a grown up and sort this mess out.

K-9

BaZmO* wrote:

The fact is she had already flagged this as been a potentially messy affair a while back when she posted here about it. And what does she do ? Nip it in the bud there and then? Nope! She decides to escalate the situation by telling one of them that it's ok for him to move in with her and then tells one of them them that she's seeing the other one.

She then comes back on here saying that telling one of them would be like killing one them that it would hurt them so much. :rolleyes: If that doesn't sound like a drama queen I don't know what does.

I think the OP needs to start acting like a grown up and sort this mess out.

+1.

One thing, when the other bf moved from abroad over here to see you and then asked to move in with you, did you not see where this was going?

You can only put him off from moving in for so long. Time to make your mind up and move on. This is why you are where your at!

Stop feeling sorry for yourself having to make the decision, just make it. Your delaying is making it harder and eventually the decision will be made for you. By the sounds of it you don't deserve either of them. I mean if a boyfriend was doing this to you, how would you feel?