Help urgently needed, complex situation

Gemini Sister

Here's the deal (try not to hate me).

For the past five months of my life I've been involved with two men. One I met at Christmas time, we fell out, got back together but not til I'd re-ignited contact with a ex from five years ago who had broken up with me five years before... I posted here three or four months ago - a thread called 'Choosing between two good guys'.
At the time my feelings for the ex were mostly fondness, while my infatuation with new guy was dampened cause I didn't know I could trust him. Months later, after much making up/breaking up & stress... both boyfriends want to settle down with me and I trust them both. And I want both of them. This situation is impossible, and I have to sort it out this weekend.
New boyfriend knows about old boyfriend but not the other way around. New boyfriend therefore alleges that he must love me more cause who else would put up with it... but I feel pressured by new boyfriend to break up with old boyfriend - even though after five months I'm not sure I want to. I can't get a clear handle on my own feelings cause they're so wrapped up in guilt. Also i know whoever I break up is gonna be devastated... I fear new boyfriend may even have a breakdown. It has to happen this weekend cause in a fit of remorse/love a few weeks ago I told old boyfriend he could move in with me... on tuesday! I've already delayed him a few weeks - he came from abroad to be with me. He quite reasonably says that if its not happening he's gonna hit the road i.e. he wants an answer. Both of these men are lovely and strong and caring and I love them both, yes, I know they say thats not possible but it is.
I never believed I find myself in a situation like this.
The last few months have been incredible stressful and aging.
Try not to get too hateful here, folks, cause I hate myself enough for all this already. Any help much appreciated.

:eek:

Kazobel

You have to choose, it's as simple as that but be prepared a few months down the line to regret not choosing the other one. It's a tricky situation and I don't envy you but it has to end for your own sanity if for no other reason.

Failing that you could just get them to fight it out, winner gets you, loser gets a ham so it's win/win

Good luck in what ever you decide

muppetkiller

Which one would you have your kids with ?

nialo

You have to choose.. no other option. List all there good and bad points. Ask yourself who you want to be with more.. (long term). take a step back from it all.. then go with your gut feeling. dont second guess it just go with it.. and live with the consequences...

BaZmO*

I don't get why you're asking strangers for advice on this. Nobody here knows anything about these guys other than they are both "Good" so it's a bit pointless offering advice. It really is something that you have to decide for yourself.

Zambia

There is nothing anyone who does not know the whole situation can help you with here.

In essence you are a very lucky(Possibly Pretty) girl to have two guys want you so badly.

Its avoiding this break up scenario that has caused this mess. Make a choice and go with it my vote would be on the weaker one dump him merely because the choice is yours considering what happens to the person after the break up should not be a factor in wether you break up.

On the other side what bloke allows a girl he is seeing to see someone else for this long.

Actually they both sound like losers dump them both and sort your head out. Touch base with you friends and never do this sort of thing again.

Personnally if I had let this get this far I would dump both and hide for a while abroad.

Oryx

Its entirely possible to love more than one person. (Mothers do it with their kids all the time) but the guilt and juggling when loving two partners romantically is hard to live with. The fact that you are feeling such guilt shows you really must have feelings for both these men.

The main thing is not to let how they may potentially feel or react affect your decision. They may breakdown, they may not, but the hard fact is that is not your problem. You need to decide for yourself whats best to do They're grown men. They'll deal with it.

Ideally you need to get away from both of them and give your head some space to decide which if either of them is for you. Defer the Tuesday move-in, which is putting far too much pressure on you. Sure, you may find that #1 will walk away, and you could end up with neither man, but that might happen anyway in this situation.

Good luck.

muppetkiller

On a side note if I found out my 'girlfriend' loved someone else equally to me..I'd make the decision for her. bye bye....

Vic Vinegar

KtK wrote:

Its entirely possible to love more than one person. (Mothers do it with their kids all the time)

Not really the same thing at all though!

Knockoff Nige

In my opinion, you should let the guy who doesnt know you've been cheating on him go, for his own sake.

Gyalist

This is a high-quality problem that calls for the wisdom of Solomon.

Seems like new boyfriend should be the one to go. Why do you think he'll have a breakdown if you split up? That alone should exclude him on the grounds that he is mentally fragile. He is also trying to guilt you into choosing him by claiming that he loves you more and is also pressuring you to break up with the old boyfriend. That to me reeks of neediness.

However, if I were you I defer moving in with the old boyfriend and try to put some temporary distance between both of them. This will enable you to make a more considered decision.

From a post of yours on another thread:

I'm a 33 yr old woman who still feels like a youth but I'm on the verge of settling down, partly to do with the bio clock.

I hope that isn't the reason why you feel that you have to rush your decision.

mickoneill30

muppetkiller wrote:

On a side note if I found out my 'girlfriend' loved someone else equally to me..I'd make the decision for her. bye bye....

Definitely. What'll happen if you tell old boyfriend what you've being doing. Your relationship with him won't ever be the same (if it continues at all).

The Sweeper

Look at it this way - if you could be absolutely guaranteed that neither chap would be hurt by what you tell them, and if their reactions were not influencing your choice, which one would you choose?

(Alternatively, stick your neck out, tell each about the other, then tell them you can't choose and they have to choose for you. Who knows, you could end up with a happy polygamous relationship(s). There's nowt as queer as folk.)

How Strange

I'm a 33 yr old woman who still feels like a youth but I'm on the verge of settling down, partly to do with the bio clock.

OP, I saw your reply above to another post in PI and when I read it I thought it was a bit odd but then I saw that this was your post.

Your bio clock must be ringing very hard if subconsciously or even consciously you have a fall back guy in case the main guy doesn't work out. I would urge caution here OP until you figure out what it is you want from either of these men. What if the one you choose is infertile? Will you ring the other guy up and ask him to move in?

I just think the bio clock issue is important when taken in context of the predicament you have found yourself in.

Sleepy

You're 33 years of age and you still think it's acceptable to two time guys in two serious relationships without even telling one of them? :eek:

Dump them both for their own good.

slemons

definitely break up with them both asap.
you're about to seriously hurt 2 good guys and you want sympathy?

the mind boggles...

Gemini Sister

How Strange wrote:

OP, I saw your reply above to another post in PI and when I read it I thought it was a bit odd but then I saw that this was your post.

Your bio clock must be ringing very hard if subconsciously or even consciously you have a fall back guy in case the main guy doesn't work out. I would urge caution here OP until you figure out what it is you want from either of these men. What if the one you choose is infertile? Will you ring the other guy up and ask him to move in?

I just think the bio clock issue is important when taken in context of the predicament you have found yourself in.

Yeah I had a feeling someone may bring up that post... it isn't a true representation of whats going on with me now... that was in response to what a 29 yr guy was thinking about settling down or not... I was just saying that for him there is plenty of time. I know there's time for me too - actually at 29 I was more paniced about aging that am I am now - although the bio-clock is a consideration its not really what this situation is about - if thats all it was then it wouldn't matter which one I was with. Last year I broke up with someone who would happily have had kids with me cause my feelings for him weren't strong enough. This year I'm involved with two guys that I would happily have kids with... shocking, I know.

Gemini Sister

slemons wrote:

definitely break up with them both asap.
you're about to seriously hurt 2 good guys and you want sympathy?

the mind boggles...

No. I'm about to hurt at least one good guy. And myself. I don't want sympathy. I'm appealing to a group of strangers on the internet out of desperation.

Sleepy

Tell the old boyfriend about the new one and I'm pretty sure he'll make the decision for you.

Gemini Sister

Sleepy wrote:

Tell the old boyfriend about the new one and I'm pretty sure he'll make the decision for you.

As daft as it sounds, I've considered doing that. But I haven't cause if I am to break up with him, why leave him with the hurt of being left someone else? And if I'm not to break up with him... yeah it may be a relief for me to unburden but... if then I've either lost a relationship that I want or damaged an innocent bystander...? I know what you're saying, that I should give HIM the freedom to choose... but to hurt him so much, is it justifiable?
I've always thought that if it was me in his situation I'd rather either be broken up with cause 'its not working' or if someone was cheating on me but then ultimately chose me then I'd rather not know they ever had a 'shaky patch'?
And, I know this sounds unbelievable but I'm not sure he'd walk away (I could be completely wrong of course).
???
My head is spinning.

humanji

Break up with both of them. You've screwed them around this much, you may as well put them out of their misery. Stop being selfish.

Knockoff Nige

Sleepy wrote:

Tell the old boyfriend about the new one and I'm pretty sure he'll make the decision for you.

Personally, I think she shouldnt tell him and break up with him for 'other reasons'. No point in causing him unneccessary pain.

Sabre Man

Ask yourself the folowing questions:

What were the reasons for the break-ups? Are these reasons still valid? Could it happen again? Who do you know the best?

cowzerp

humanji wrote:

Break up with both of them. You've screwed them around this much, you may as well put them out of their misery. Stop being selfish.

Agreed..


1 of them is stupid enough to stick with you while your with someone else so stick with him, he'll be a great mat to walk on when you decide you'd like to try someone else out-the other says he's out of there if you dont let him know-Do him a favour and let him go, hopefully desperate guy does not dump you cause i dont know how you found 2 good guys when you dont deserve 1.

Gemini Sister

KtK wrote:

Its entirely possible to love more than one person. (Mothers do it with their kids all the time) but the guilt and juggling when loving two partners romantically is hard to live with. The fact that you are feeling such guilt shows you really must have feelings for both these men.

The main thing is not to let how they may potentially feel or react affect your decision. They may breakdown, they may not, but the hard fact is that is not your problem. You need to decide for yourself whats best to do They're grown men. They'll deal with it.

Ideally you need to get away from both of them and give your head some space to decide which if either of them is for you. Defer the Tuesday move-in, which is putting far too much pressure on you. Sure, you may find that #1 will walk away, and you could end up with neither man, but that might happen anyway in this situation.

Good luck.

Thanks KtK... and everyone else. Gonna go away for the weekend & try to sort things out on Monday. Its very hard to hurt someone you love... when that person has been fantastic and I would never break up with them if it wasn't for the siyuation. I feel like I'm about to murder someone. But I have to stop being a coward. I still don't know which one.

Sleepy

Gemini Sister wrote:

I feel like I'm about to murder someone. But I have to stop being a coward. I still don't know which one.

Jesus, get over yourself. From the way you've treated these two blokes you ain't that much of a catch.

Knockoff Nige

Sleepy wrote:

Jesus, get over yourself. From the way you've treated these two blokes you ain't that much of a catch.

I think thats a little harsh. You cant imagine being in her position but that doesnt mean it wouldnt happen to you. I doubt she started off with the intention of falling in love with both. Just made a mistake along the way. We're human.

SarahSassy

Why did you ask him to move in with you when you are having 2 relationships???? Are you the full shilling? Did you not think they may bump into each other coming out of the shower in the morning.... Is this for reaL?????

~Rebel~

I wont go on about how horrible i think what your doing is, or that im not entirely sure you can love someone and still do this to them, Ill just echo everyone else's sentiments that you have to decide between them for yourself.

I would say however that if you chose Old boyfriend, you should tell him about the other guy or else I think your doomed from the start. If you chose new boyfriend theres no point in hurting the old one so just break up with him, but you cant start a serious settled down relationship with the old one without coming clean IMO.

BaZmO*

Knockoff Nige wrote:

I think thats a little harsh.

I disagree.

The fact is she had already flagged this as been a potentially messy affair a while back when she posted here about it. And what does she do ? Nip it in the bud there and then? Nope! She decides to escalate the situation by telling one of them that it's ok for him to move in with her and then tells one of them them that she's seeing the other one.

She then comes back on here saying that telling one of them would be like killing one them that it would hurt them so much. :rolleyes: If that doesn't sound like a drama queen I don't know what does.

I think the OP needs to start acting like a grown up and sort this mess out.

K-9

BaZmO* wrote:

The fact is she had already flagged this as been a potentially messy affair a while back when she posted here about it. And what does she do ? Nip it in the bud there and then? Nope! She decides to escalate the situation by telling one of them that it's ok for him to move in with her and then tells one of them them that she's seeing the other one.

She then comes back on here saying that telling one of them would be like killing one them that it would hurt them so much. :rolleyes: If that doesn't sound like a drama queen I don't know what does.

I think the OP needs to start acting like a grown up and sort this mess out.

+1.

One thing, when the other bf moved from abroad over here to see you and then asked to move in with you, did you not see where this was going?

You can only put him off from moving in for so long. Time to make your mind up and move on. This is why you are where your at!

Stop feeling sorry for yourself having to make the decision, just make it. Your delaying is making it harder and eventually the decision will be made for you. By the sounds of it you don't deserve either of them. I mean if a boyfriend was doing this to you, how would you feel?

LegacyUser

Absolute Attention seeker and a complete drama queen.

"Give me attention...give me attention..."

AngryBadger

.......

I'm not being hateful but i really don't think you should be in a relationship with either of them.

At best you've found two guys who between have all the qualities that you want in a single partner. Which would mean you really shouldn't be with either of them since you'll only wind up with half a partner.

At worst you have no respect for either of these guys and are a complete mercenary who really shouldn't be getting into a relationship with anybody because as soon as something "better" comes along you'll feel bad for about a second then come up with a seemingly reasonable excuse to tear the foundation out form under whichever poor sap you have chosen and bugger off with a new guy.

oh and also I fail to see how a guy who's willing to accept that you've been seeing someone else for any significant period of time has even a shred of self-respect, which is also kind of critical for a functioning healthy relationship.

ali.c

AngryBadger wrote:

.......

I'm not being hateful but i really don't think you should be in a relationship with either of them.

At best you've found two guys who between have all the qualities that you want in a single partner. Which would mean you really shouldn't be with either of them since you'll only wind up with half a partner.

At worst you have no respect for either of these guys and are a complete mercenary who really shouldn't be getting into a relationship with anybody because as soon as something "better" comes along you'll feel bad for about a second then come up with a seemingly reasonable excuse to tear the foundation out form under whichever poor sap you have chosen and bugger off with a new guy.

oh and also I fail to see how a guy who's willing to accept that you've been seeing someone else for any significant period of time has even a shred of self-respect, which is also kind of critical for a functioning healthy relationship.

+1

after this length of time, if either one of them where the right partner for you, you would know it, also IMHO eh you dont want to hurt either of them is bull****, what do you think you are doing at the minute?

Sleepy

Knockoff Nige wrote:

I think thats a little harsh. You cant imagine being in her position but that doesnt mean it wouldnt happen to you. I doubt she started off with the intention of falling in love with both. Just made a mistake along the way. We're human.

Actually, I've been in the position of being interested in two girls a couple of times while I wasn't in a relationship with either of them yet and I've always made my decision and lived with the consequences. It's called being an adult or simply not being an asshole.

Seb-K

dont know if its been said before, cant be bothered to read posts from some of the so righteous folk in PI

why would you jump from one long term relationship (i remember your first post about this) into another
"to be" long term relationship? i was in this position before and if it were me, knowing what i know now,
i would break up with the 2 of them (as hard as it may be) and try to sort out my feelings!

but if you "must" decide then i think you need to get away from both guys for a while, before you decide!
not sure how you could do this? maybe visit family abroad or go on hols with the girls, i dont know but put
some space/time between you and them and see how you feel.

i wouldnt recommend going from one relationship straight to the next, specially when theres cheating
involved, it will turn out messy for you, specially when the new guy is putting the pressure on you to
settle with him! is he controlling by the way? the fact you cheated on the last bf could play on his mind
a little and it might go sour from there, him having issues with you going out with the girls cause he
thinks you will cheat on him too

its not about the old guys feelings or the new guy having a potential breakdown its about you and what you
want to do, dont ever stay in a relationship to keep other people happy

good luck...

Knockoff Nige

Sleepy wrote:

Actually, I've been in the position of being interested in two girls a couple of times while I wasn't in a relationship with either of them yet and I've always made my decision and lived with the consequences. It's called being an adult or simply not being an asshole.

Actually, I wasnt suggesting that two timing is ok. I was just saying that we dont actually know the entire reason fro her doing it. Personally, aI've never done it and cant imagine doing it. But thats my point. Its easy to sit in the stands and shout abuse. But when you'tre on the pitch, its an entirely different game.

Agent J

So to sum up.

New is a basket-case
Old is looking for a major commitment but doesnt know full facts.

Honestly?

Break up with both of them.And not because you dont deserve them blah blah blah.

For your own good. I imagine this is causing you massive amounts of stress and Old & new dont seem particularly stable anyway from what you have said. I would suggest a clean sweep stratgey and make a new start.

axer

Sleepy wrote:

Jesus, get over yourself. From the way you've treated these two blokes you ain't that much of a catch.

here here

Gemini Sister

Me again.
Its been a tough weekend. I just want to say its not the guys who are wrong or at fault here. To give you some background, old boyfriend broke up with me five years ago cause he didn't want to settle down, but he regretted it soon afterwards and is a good guy. I had a few issues about past hurts with him and maybe a sense of defeat for bringing him back into my life... but I realise those issues are surmountable. He's been cool.
New guy didn't initially know about the other one, then when he did (I told him early on), he decided to take a chance and stick around cause he had once been in my situation but walked away and regretted not giving it time to resolve... so he thought he give me time to resolve it. Thats either stupid or admirable depending on which way you look at it but I don't think it makes him a basketcase... yes he has been demanding, but only after tryin the patient route for ages. This isn't their fault. I'd only dated new bf for a short while when old bf appeared on scene. Then I broke up with him and waited two months and tried to make it work with old bf but kept I obsessing about new bf... I was fairly sure I'd break up with the old one for the new one... but then realised I'd underestimated how close I'd become again to old boyfriend & how much he'd matured in the time we'd been apart... If either of these guys wasn't a good guy it would be different... If someone had told me a year ago I'd be in this situation I'd have said no way.

I know I have to bite the bullet here and make a decision (any decision). I know going away for awhile seems like the right thing to do... but this problem is what it is cause I've waited and waited for it to resolve itself rather than taking actions and suffering consequences.
If I choose old bf I WILL tell him something of all this but not the full extent of it. Meantime I'm gonna see can I stop him moving in tomorrow, this may the point at which he walks, maybe then I'll cop on. Or maybe I'll be relieved than someone is gone. After the weekend away I still don't know and I'm just as confused and I don't trust myself or my feelings. Yeah there is a good chance I'm not the full shilling at the moment
But tryin to sort it all out. Thanks again.

Knockoff Nige

Gemini Sister wrote:

Me again.
Its been a tough weekend. I just want to say its not the guys who are wrong or at fault here. To give you some background, old boyfriend broke up with me five years ago cause he didn't want to settle down, but he regretted it soon afterwards and is a good guy. I had a few issues about past hurts with him and maybe a sense of defeat for bringing him back into my life... but I realise those issues are surmountable. He's been cool.
New guy didn't initially know about the other one, then when he did (I told him early on), he decided to take a chance and stick around cause he had once been in my situation but walked away and regretted not giving it time to resolve... so he thought he give me time to resolve it. Thats either stupid or admirable depending on which way you look at it but I don't think it makes him a basketcase... yes he has been demanding, but only after tryin the patient route for ages. This isn't their fault. I'd only dated new bf for a short while when old bf appeared on scene. Then I broke up with him and waited two months and tried to make it work with old bf but kept I obsessing about new bf... I was fairly sure I'd break up with the old one for the new one... but then realised I'd underestimated how close I'd become again to old boyfriend & how much he'd matured in the time we'd been apart... If either of these guys wasn't a good guy it would be different... If someone had told me a year ago I'd be in this situation I'd have said no way.

I know I have to bite the bullet here and make a decision (any decision). I know going away for awhile seems like the right thing to do... but this problem is what it is cause I've waited and waited for it to resolve itself rather than taking actions and suffering consequences.
If I choose old bf I WILL tell him something of all this but not the full extent of it. Meantime I'm gonna see can I stop him moving in tomorrow, this may the point at which he walks, maybe then I'll cop on. Or maybe I'll be relieved than someone is gone. After the weekend away I still don't know and I'm just as confused and I don't trust myself or my feelings. Yeah there is a good chance I'm not the full shilling at the moment
But tryin to sort it all out. Thanks again.

I say you cant live with a guy without telling him the whole story. I also think that you shouldnt tell him the truth if you are about to dump him. But you're really leaving this very late.

Ok, Im gonna chip in with a very unsympathetic 2 cents of my own since Ive been in the position once upon a time of being "new boyfriend".


Dump them both cos if they were really right for u there wouldnt be an "other guy", but if u really must stay with 1 go with "new boyfriend" since he already knows about the other guy and is likely to hang around for a while but he'll probably develop trust issues towards u and low self esteem seeing as u took so long he'll probably feel worthless. But whatever u do DO IT NOW. The longer this goes on the worse its gonna get for you. What u are doing is incredibly self centred and ur in too deep to avoid hurting anyone and when it all hits the fan theyre gonna think this about you. Im sorry I dont mean to be harsh but face facts, u are a mature person acting like an insecure 15 year old being indecisive. I do sympathise with u as Im indecisive myself in a lot of things but this is peoples personal lives (2 people not one, not even counting yourself) that u are dealing with here. Theyre both gonna be hurt. By leading them along and not making a decision u have made it much much worse believe me. Get this sorted now before they both end up hating you. Im speaking from experience here.

How Strange

As this post is still alive and well, I'm going to contribute again. OP, what is delaying making the decision? You've got yourself in a right pickle but you just keep making it worse by dragging things out.

Really, I think you just want a bf more than you want either of these specifically. Move on and start again. If new bf is so great why is old bf moving to Irl to live with you.

K-9

How Strange wrote:

As this post is still alive and well, I'm going to contribute again. OP, what is delaying making the decision? You've got yourself in a right pickle but you just keep making it worse by dragging things out.

Really, I think you just want a bf more than you want either of these specifically. Move on and start again. If new bf is so great why is old bf moving to Irl to live with you.

+1. Old bf has moved back and wants to live with you. (Albeit, not knowing the full situation!)